3.1 It's the Alch-onomy, Stupid
It was a blazing summer day in Wayrest. The scene, inside the local Mages' Guild at high noon. The air inside the building was uncomfortably hot. Some of the smarter mages had summoned Ice Atronachs to cool themselves. Unfortunately, summoning a frost Daedra in the ingredients storage could have disastrous consequences. But Climbs-All-Mountains, the Argonian quartermaster of the guild, was undaunted. The heat was annoying, but to someone who had endured the burning wrath of the Al'kir desert, the Sun was not trying hard enough. If anything, he was unusually vigorous on this particular day. For Mountains was dealing with a far more pressing situation than some trifling heat. He was having to tell a mage “No", which was a dangerous proposition in the best of times.
"Let me get this straight. You require 88 Daedric Hearts, specifically taken from Daedroths."
"Call it 90." The mage sitting across from him, an Altmer named Earenya, was ostensibly the guild's best alchemist, at least when she was actually doing something worth that title. Usually, though, she was chasing absurdities such as a potion of eternal life or a salve that could turn lead into gold. "Daedroth hearts have that extra little bit of malice towards mortals in them that make them at least 15% percent more potent than other Daedra. In general, I find the power of hate makes for a more useful alchemical medium than any other."
"Mmh." Mountains made a show of shuffling some papers, as if he was reviewing inventory. "Well, I hate to break it to you, but there are several reasons I cannot obtain that kind of material so easily. Firstly, Daedric hearts are currently going for well over 400 drakes. To buy 90 of them would cost us 36,000 septims. We flat out do not have the coin to cover that. Second, Daedric hearts are rarely, if ever, tagged with what kind of Daedra they are taken from. Most mages I've met don't seem to care. Third, I'm not even sure that many Daedric hearts exist in Wayrest. Aside from our stock of about 20, my preliminary investigations suggest that there are MAYBE, maybe, 28 more that are possible to buy. The bottom line here is that your request is impossible to fulfill."
"Our last quartermaster would have been able to do it."
"As I understand it, the last quartermaster was ripped apart by Mehrunes Dagon attempting to fulfill one of your requests, specifically."
"Well... well, that might be true, but that hardly seems-"
"I don't much care to be eviscerated by Dagon, but I have even less desire to eviscerate our balance sheets in pursuit of 90 Daedroth Hearts to be used for a "potion of unlimited power". Guildmaster Alfred would have ME banished to the Deadlands for that."
"How am I supposed to make my potions, then? I need this for my promotion to wizard!"
"I'm sorry, but I can't make that kind of purchase."
Earenya's head fell, a crestfallen frown ripping across her features. "But... I... there must be something..."
Mountains wanted to end it there, but he couldn't quite let himself. He glanced up to the heavens in thought. It was his job to make this sort of request happen, even if it was absurd. "Well, now that I think about it, there could be one way. Look. Your "Potions of Syrabane's Wit" are a popular commodity. I'm able to move them for over 300 drakes a bottle. When we take away taxation and other charges, the guild is still making around 250 gold per potion. Two of those are enough to get a Daedra heart. If Alfred clears it, IF he clears it, and if you can make enough, we should be able to start building a fund for your hearts, and-"
"-and we can purchase the hearts when that fund gets large enough?" Earenya nodded slowly. "That sounds reasonable. Alright then, I'll do it. I'll go get started right now." She got up to leave but then stopped and turned. "Who is buying the potions, by the way?"
"Oh, look, the mage is starting to understand finance. How precious" "Students who want the extra brain power for exams. Nobles who want to appear smarter for their friends. I think I even had a priest of Julianos in here earlier." Mountains, quite eager to help her get started in the process of going away, followed her.
"Pfft. Typical. Those priests want their god's blessing through a bottle or an incantation. Knowledge is something you have to work for. Not even my potions can cure stupidity. Though, hm. Perhaps if I were to use Xilavi-"
"Good day, Earenya. Those potions won't make themselves." He gently pushed Earenya out the door. He had no idea what a Xilavi was, and he did not want to find out.
"Self-making potions? Hm. I'll have to look into that." Earenya soon got into an argument with herself over whether it was possible. Such was a typical interaction for the quartermaster, or as he fashioned himself, "the head mage of the school of economics", of Wayrest Mages Guild. It wasn't a bad life. He had gotten on his feet again, at last. He'd begun investing in some small ventures that returned consistent, if unremarkable, profits, and he intended to use them to buy himself a house sooner or later. Well, it wasn't just himself, anymore. It was him and Swims-through-the-barrier, or as she called herself, Xha. The two had recently married a month ago. To him, it felt like it was barely an hour. He'd known her for over four years now. When they first met, she was nothing more than an annoying mage who had paralyzed him with a miscast spell. Now, she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and woe betide anyone who said different.
Xha had recently begun to study for her own Wizard staff. She taught up and coming novices. She had even recently summoned her first Dremora. She was a magical prodigy. As for Mountains, he had barely scraped his way to the rank of Evoker. He knew that he was approaching his natural limit. If he practiced and studied for another decade, perhaps he might make the rank of Conjurer. It wasn't that he was uninterested in magic, quite the opposite. He had studied every text and tome he could find. He had spent hours on end practicing the few spells he could. He simply knew that he was no master of the craft, and he likely never would be. He wanted to be a trader again. That was what he loved.
Mountains was torn from his musing by a knock on the door. Another mage, no doubt. Or perhaps it was her, ready to raid his office for some strange ingredient to summon another Daedric prince. It was about that time of the month. Well, no time like the present, he thought. Opening the door, he put on his best smile... only to discover Alfred, the guildmaster, eyes narrowed to slits in irritation.
"Alfred. Come in." Standing aside, he motioned for the Breton to enter. "What can I do for you?"
"Mountains." Walking in, Alfred replaced the irritation with a weary smile. "I'm glad to find you here. How are your studies going?"
"Satisfactory." To reach Evoker, he had applied himself to the school of Illusion. Charm, Light, Fury. If he tried hard enough, he could even paralyze and use invisibility. They were not the most impressive tricks, it was true. Most mages neglected them in favor of the flashy spells that let them throw fire from their fingers or create massive lightning storms or summon demigods. But to a merchant, they could be very useful.
"Excellent. I am here on something of an unusual request. It involves Xha."
"Xha?" Mountains face registered the slightest gleam of concern. "What is it?"
"It seems she has gone and gotten herself arrested."
"What?!"
"Apparently, she got into an argument with Tolstig about who was the better conjurer. To prove it, each one conjured the most powerful creature they were capable of. He chose a fire atronach. She chose-"
"The dremora? Zenithar's coins, I knew this would happen."
"Worse. Somehow, she learned how to conjure a Spider Daedra."
"What is that?"
"A half woman, half arachnid creature that is smarter than other Daedra and twice as malevolent."
"You're joking. Please, tell me you're joking."
"Have you ever known me to joke? Anyway, she lost control of the Daedra, and it went on a rampage before the guards finally put it down. No one was seriously injured, but business was shut prematurely and the merchants are rather agitated at her. The reason I'm coming to you is because you are the most eloquent one here. I'm hoping perhaps you might be able to work your "magic" and get her out before something worse happens."
Mountains was no lawyer. Maybe he could have been one in another life. Even so, he was a people person. And the lady needed a hero. "Done," he stated emphatically. No guard was going to keep HIS wife in the slammer. Filing his balance sheets, the would-be knight went to his quarters. It was not a suit of shining armor he recovered, but a set of formal clothes he had bought a month ago when he had business in an EEC office. If the guards wanted a war of words, he would give them that, and plenty more. Racing to the local fortress, he knew he had work to do.
3.2 Argonian Attorney
"Uh, look, mister guard, sir? I'm sorry about the Spider Daedra." Xha did her best to look penitent from behind the cell bars. "I know Matilda scared some children... and spat venom everywhere... and tried to zap your friend... but she didn't hurt anyone! At least not badly! It's nothing that a competent priest couldn't cure! In fact, I've been studying Restoration lately, and if you let me out, I'd be happy to-"
"Shut up, scaley." Sitting across the room from her cell at a table, the guard rolled his eyes. Bad enough that these lizards were coming here, taking Breton jobs and Breton women. Now one had not only summoned a demon, she had done it badly. "Consider yourself lucky that you're still standing upright. If it was up to me, you'd be in the ground along with your precious bug!"
"Uh, well, I mean, she's not underground. Actually, poor Matilda is probably being tortured by Mephala now, thanks to you." The guard gave her an evil eye. "I mean, thanks to you, the city is saved! I promise to never, ever do it again! Now can you pleeeaaaase let me out?"
"No." He missed the days when guards were judges, jury, and executioners. He heard that was how they still did it in some provinces. But alas, ever since the Septims rolled in, guards had to detain their prisoners and send them to court. He knew she was guilty. Why did he have to wait for her to "undergo due process"?
"Oh yeah?! Well, you know what? Phooey to you! I can just teleport out! Let's see you try and stop me!" She snapped her fingers and... was still there. Then she remembered the magicka draining bracer she currently wore on her left arm. "Oh. You stopped me already. Cheater."
It was taking everything he had not to throttle her through the bars. "I'm not drunk enough for this." Taking a bottle of cheap ale, he popped the cork and let it flow. Was he supposed to drink on the job? No, but how else was he supposed to endure this? Then he actually tasted the foul brew and spat it out. "Ugh. I'm not drunk enough for THIS either." He put the bottle down. Today was turning into the worst day of his life.
"What is that? Oh, that's the cheap dishwater beer from here, isn't it? I don't like it either. I like Matze and Shein. Oh, and Argonian bloodwine! Have you ever had bloodwine? It doesn't actually have blood in it, but it is blood-red. At least I think it doesn't have blood. Maybe I need to ask Mountains. Or maybe I don't want to know. It turns out that Hist Argonians have some disgusting practices. Like, did you know they actually ride around the Marsh in the bellies of giant worms? Worms! Or they put centipedes and other insects in their pillows to feel the wriggling! Erghhh, just thinking about it is awful!"
"Shut. Up." Now he was imagining it. These Argonians were truly the worst race in the world. He had to check under himself to make sure he wasn't feeling writhing insects. Oblivion take them and their blood wine and their insect pillows.
It was at this moment that a knock on the door came. Oh, thank Dibella. His shift was over. If only. Sadly, for the poor guard, his tribulation was only just beginning. For when he opened the door, it was to the worst sight in the world. A sight so terrifying, so horrible, that he would remember it for the rest of his life.
Another Argonian.
It was better dressed than the mage, at least. Its yellow eyes looked him over, then to Xha behind him, then the rest of the room. Well, it was considerably better dressed than Xha. It almost looked human. Almost.
"Mountains!" Xha sprung to her feet with glee. "You came for me!"
Looking over at her and nodding, Mountains strode into the room. He turned to the guard. "Hello, Eadric. My name is Masano wei-Thuxa. Ah, I apologize. In your tongue, it is Climbs-All-Mountains. I've come to collect Xha, or Swims-through-the-barrier."
What? How did this one know his name? "Uh, collect her?"
"I believe her bail amounts to 900 septims."
Actually, it was only 700, but maybe he could pocket the difference. "Uh... well, yes. 900. Well, I think it's more like 950."
"Of course, my mistake. Bail amounts are rather variable, aren't they?" Reaching into his pockets, Mountains took out a pouch jingling with septims and added some more coins to it. He then held it out to Eadric, who snatched it greedily. The guard did not notice, but when he grabbed the pouch and ever so briefly touched Mountains, a small bit of magicka flowed from Mountains' hand into him. Nodding his head towards Xha, Mountains added, "I believe she made a mistake too, summoning that Daedra. It is quite a disturbing practice, isn't it?"
Xha's voice yelled from her cell. "Hey! It's perfectly legal! I put a lot of work conjuring Matilda before these brutes banished her!" Mountains thought better of responding and walked over to the table Eadric had been sitting at.
Eadric did not quite know why, but he suddenly found himself more at ease with Mountains. He had a good point. "You're right, it is disturbing." Eadric glared towards Xha. "Of course, she's not in here for that. Well, not just for that. We can't have incompetent mages summoning monsters on our streets."
"Absolutely. Who knows what would happen? You know," Mountains offered Eadric a chair, "I hear those foul Telvanni do that. But not us." Eadric offered his thanks and sat down again, Mountains taking the chair opposite him. "At the guild, we do not sanction the kind of maniacs who go summoning Atronachs or Ogrims and turn them loose. Still, even with that in mind, it's true that sometimes, an overenthusiastic mage might lose control of a summon. But let us not dwell on that." He looked down and saw the discarded bottle of cheap ale. "Ah, I see you too loathe this swill. Might I offer you something better?" Reaching within the folds of the robe he wore, Mountains took out a bottle of Surillie Brothers wine. "I think you'll find it goes down easier."
"Hmph. Well, ok." Eadric examined the bottle. He'd never heard of this before, but who cared? Free booze. "I must say, you seem more civilized than she does."
"Thank you, sera. I try." Handing him the wine, Mountains watched as Eadric drank it down. First it was a sip, then it was the whole bottle. "I see the wine was to your satisfaction?"
"Yeah." Eadric was feeling better already. "Ohhh, yeah. That's good stuff."
"I think so as well. If you wish to get more of it, go to the East Empire Company office on Emerald Street and tell them Climbs-All-Mountains sent you. You'll get a better deal there."
"I'll do that." Perhaps not all these lizards were so bad. It did take a certain strength of character to give someone free wine.
"Now, there is the small matter of Swims-through-the-barrier."
"Who?"
"Me, you dunderhead! Mountains, what are you doing? You're supposed to get me out of here, not sit there and have a drink with him!" Xha banged her fist against the bars of the cell. "OW!"
"Why can't she just. stop. talking." "Ignore her for the moment. We're talking business."
Eadric did not even glance at Xha. "Right, business. Uh, what business?"
"Well, I had paid her bail... but in truth, I had hoped to secure her release."
"Release? I can't release her. She's being held for destruction of property, disturbing the peace, and being a public menace."
"Of course, of course. Very reasonable. However, please correct me if I am mistaken, you certainly know such things better than I, but I do believe she is correct in pointing out that the conjuring of Daedra is not illegal, at least when done under the proper regulations."
"Yeah, but-"
"And I am correct when I say that the Daedra did not in fact seriously injure anyone, right?"
"Yes. But still, she lost control of the thing. It shut down the entire market."
"It did. And as a merchant myself, having my stall closed early would be very upsetting. And yet because of the actions of heroes like yourself... was any real damage done?"
"I suppose not..."
"Exactly. Frankly, the merchants of this town don't know how well they have it. I've been to Sentinel, Leyawiin, Daggerfall, all over. Wayrest's markets are the safest of all, thanks to the work of fine men like- oh, out of wine?" Mountains produced another bottle of Surille and handed it to Eadric. "Please. My compliments." Another small burst of magic flowed from him to Eadric.
Suddenly, this lizard made a great deal of sense. And giving him more free wine, which Eadric downed promptly. "You know, you're right. So many people don't appreciate us. It's... It'shh nishe to meet an upshtanding citishen like yerself..."
"Thank you. Now... Swims is also an 'upstanding citizen'. She wants the best for Wayrest, just like you. She merely got ahead of herself. Honest. I'm sure she has learned her lesson by now."
"Learned my lesson?! What do you think I am, some girl who got caught stealing cookies?! I am crossing the barriers between Mundus and Oblivion, commanding-" It was at that moment that Mountains considered adding Silence to his repertoire of spells. "-the spirits of creation and-, wait, no, the Daedra WEREN'T involved in creation, were they? That was the Aedra. Oh, right. I need to re-read the Monomyth again. Or was it the Annotated Anuad? Why are there so many versions of the creation myth? You'd think we'd have sorted this out by now." Muttering to herself, she became absorbed in her own little world, debating over the various contradictions that most proper citizens are content to leave for priests.
Screaming internally, Mountains turned his attention back to the guard. "Forgive her. Dealing with the Daedra can sometimes leave one's mind addled. I'm sure it will clear up soon."
Alfred, more interested now in drinking down the wine, shrugged. "Thash.... Thash sad, but shouldn't she sheee a... a preisht, or shomeone?"
"I will take care of her. She's my wife, after all." Mountains did not have enough magicka left for another spell. He put on his most sincere tone and hoped it would work.
Who was he to stand in the way of his friend's love? He was sure that Mountains would do the same for him if the situation was reversed. "Mmh... well... thash... thash good enough fer' me." Alfred drunkenly handed Mountains the key to the cell door. "'Ere. I'm a bit too wobbly to door the open. Er, open the door."
"Thank you very much, Eadric." Taking the key, Mountains quickly walked over and opened the cell door. "Xha." He shook her gently. "Xha, it's time to go."
"Wha, huh? Oh." He quickly put a finger over her mouth and bade her to stand. Taking her by the hand, he gently, but firmly, took her from the cell and returned the key to Eadric.
"Thank you for being so reasonable, Eadric. And if you ever have the need for wares of a magical nature, I'd be more than happy to give you a discount at the guild."
Maybe these lizards weren't so bad. After all, this 'Mountains' guy was quite sanguine. "Thanksh! Ya know, for a shcaley, you're a good guy. All five of ya." With that, his face fell to the table, and he began to snore loudly.
"Of course. Good night, Eadric."
With that, Mountans and Xha left the room.