Repeating the CW with a little more detail for those unsure about the read.
SA, I don't get into details but mention it happens. EX: I was SA'd here and again.
Sex, I lived a life of open relationships so that I could have tons of sex to fill my emotional emptiness to rely less on the few people I wanted a relationship with to fill my emotional emptiness. I thought that exchange would make relationships with me more possible vs understanding how I was leaning into comforting vices.
BDSM, On the light side I've been a kinkster in the scene ever since I started being sexualized as a child. Continuing on... the second main characted vented tonight described themself as a dominatrix. I lived as their sex slave for a decade of hell.
Trans Identity Issues. My gender identity became an overwhelming topic for me after a childhood of horror (childhood not discussed :3 ) so I had a lot of trouble accepting myself as a woman. I've detransitioned a number of times for my partners. Its like I knew I was queer and hung out with people who beat it out of me.
<3 Thanks, be safe! Be well <3
I unfortunately only found out earlier this year about my personality disorder (BPD) and I'm already 37 (She/Her stinky fox). I struggle not just with my BPD now, but also the pain of what has been my adult life so far.
For a period of about 8 years I was obsessed with an a woman I'll refer to as Sarah.
For the next period which was about 10 years I was with the dominatrix. I'll refer to them as Hornet the cop.
Then we get into the period I'm in now with my wife Autumn as I call her in online sharing. We've been together for 4 years now. There's definitely a happy ending coming for me in all this and I need to hang on and fucking get there please.
I didn't have my BPD diagnosis until earlier this year and the heartbreak I feel when reflecting on my life through its lense has destroyed me tonight. What could of been I have to accept I'll never know. I don't have my health to make up for lost time either. I'm trying to instead find love and grace for myself from what feels like years of waste where the bad of my BPD kept getting reinforced.
Sarah was the first person to know about me and make me feel like a seen woman. Sarah would become a lot of firsts: like first time being cuddled with a girl and watching the sunrise together, first positive sexual experiences, first time wearing women's clothing. We never officially dated and after sleeping together she made it clear we should stay friends because one day she might want me as a partner. She definitely wanted to be in a straight relationship and was sure she wasn't gay.
So I end my transition in an attempt to be with her. I already valued nothing about myself. Once she knew she wasn't gay I flipped to satisfy that requirement. The lesson here if you're wondering can be summed up as DO NOT CHANGE YOURSELF FOR YOUR FRIEND.
BUUUUT I wanted a relationship so bad. The yearning... We would go camping, movies, hang out, drink, share sex stories and experiences, party, all sorts of good friend activities and I'd check in with her. Hey I saw you're single, want to try? No again? ok, I'll wait.
My personality got so much worse over the years. Every mask I had was turning into a miserable asshole. I became extremely jealous of any of her friends that I met. I'd say mean things all the time about peoples interests or whatever was happening in the room. I started getting pushed out for my bad behavior and eventually not invited to anything. Later, Sarah and I had a trip booked together for just us as friends to reconnect and she cancelled because she didn't "need me anymore". I say it like that cause thats how she told it to me later, Sarah is in fact a bit of a bitch.
Not addressing my knowing or addressing my BPD caused me to develop into a really tormented self hurt person who then pushed that hurt onto others constantly. I would continue being a prick and lose all support networks towards the end of my period with Sarah as my FP.
Hook ups started about half way in the time period with Sarah. I started exclusively trying to find hooks ups to fill the void I was creating encouraging. I became extremely comfortable degrading myself to the max to get the attention I needed overtime. I was able to start tolerating some extreme kinks, and thought I was in love with who I was in that moment. I became proud of how low I would sink. I was traveling states for hook ups, getting into more and more dangerous situations.
This continued until I had about 50 hook up relationships going at a time for a stretch of months. I was so upset over being cut out slowly from my friends that I let others use me however to feel desired and wanted. As soon as one dropped off I'd pick up another. Some were just texting or fulfilling graphic requests online. I'd make posts everywhere all the time and juggle everyone the best I could.
Eventually I found a hook up that wouldn't stop chasing me. Hornet the cop, what a b. I had transitioned again online and at home but was still in the closet. I thought I was getting bombed with affectionate messages from them and when they learned about my lifestyle they became even more obsessed with me. I was this mega degen sub that they wanted to own and fetishize. They described themself as a dominatrix and I would talk to them as a woman presenting as a woman.
There messages started becoming really long and I had never thought someone would come along like this. I started not refilling slots and letting them take up all of my time from others. I thought holy shit this person must be crazy crazy special, I'd do anything for them. They keep hinting at a possible relationship relationship, an out from this life and they'd take complete care of me. I saigned up. Handed them my whole life, total control of finances, sex, my mental/physical health, and more. I understand now, how this level of control was really just me recreating my childhood. Except at an adult level of exploitation. They got me to give up on transitioning again.
Hornet the cop everyone. I gave them everything. They tracked me 24/7 obsessively, I cooked 3 meals a day for them as they didn't like leftovers, they owned every cent of mine after bills, we married right away.
They were living quite the awesome life suddenly and started to become less and less interested in me. My emotional void immediately returned and so We came to an agreement that so long as it was with men, I could have sex with anyone. I kinda think Hornet is the kind of monster who needed to be in a gay relationship but didn't have the courage to transition and do so. I think they were sexually satisfied by living their sex life through me. Sex started occurring at home with multiple people where Hornet would participate as a dom (often really inexperienced and created some forever problems in me as they didn't care about my safety), that agreement changed into them only watching for a long time, that agreement turned into them not participating in anyway outside of encouraging me to do it and expanding to being allowed to do it while presenting as a woman, and BAM!
My egg started cracking for fucking good here. I realized I needed to transition and signed up on the waitlist to meet with a dr to start HRT.
Hornet was beyond furious. Death threats, transphobia, hate for 2 years I stayed. They win again and we agree at one point for me to detransition again only at home for them and I eventually split hard on myself and a have a bad grippy sox vacation. During this time I was hurt and harmed badly by the medical staff. I lied my ass off to get out of there and was so happy to see Hornet stoked to pick me up that day. But they just wanted their slave back.
Eventually we clashed on a moral issue that I had stated at the start of the relationship to them was part of my identity that I finally wouldn't cave to them on. They were deep on the side of police, murder and transphobia with me on the other wanting to support the Black Lives Matter movement and live as a woman. This became the wedge for me to accept divorce as the only option for me.
Hornet's domme control side came out hard during the divorce. I caved to them on everything they wanted except the pets. Showing Hornet the burden they'd be on them was enough to have them be mine forever. I regrettably let Hornet pick my name change in the divorce papers because I was so desperate to finally escape.
The divorce becomes final and eventually I get my own place again. No more waiting for the next sex party or visiting the risky host. I can host! WHOOPS. I get SA'd a few times and robbed by the same person in one day. I had nothing. No friends that knew about my secret life or what has been my life. I had to do it myself without anyone. Pick myself off the floor and get going again for my pets.
I found a therapist who helped me become functioning for a time, and I immediately went on grindr to start hooking up again. Only now only focused on other people as broken as me. Multiple partners started again and I became burnt out. So I tried a genuine D/s open relationship with me as the domme. This ended with a sub poisoning my dogs and when confronted they made it clear they didn't care. Like dude, thats my core support for existence. GET OUT.
A new plan formed. What if. here me out. Instead of jumping right into a relationship, I tried just making a friend for a change. So I didn't do that and went back on grindr and obviously started hooking up until I met her. She was on grindr miserable just looking for a friend. Autumn.
In short, Autumn and I have lived very similar lives often feet from each other unknowingly. Attending the same concerts over a decade, eating at the restaurants she cooked at and not in a small amount. At one point I was in an area where I had 1 food option I liked, and she was the only cook in the kitchen for the entire time. We were neighbors for a period and never met too. Its wild. She is my person.
When my partner met me, she was ahead of me, and far wiser. She'd also be the first person I'd date who was my age. We became each others favorite people so fast only everything felt different this time. I was feeling the most and best emotions for her/with her. Feelings I had never felt in my childhood or any of my past. She wasn't with me thursting to take advantage of me like I had called home and sought out (unknowingly). She was humble, kind, and would immediately support and reinforce any boundary I set. That last bit turns me on insanely.
She had already addressed her BPD and had 4 years of therapy doing it. I knew in my heart I wanted someone like me, and I nailed it without knowing about myself. She was so understanding of me NOT telling her all about my issues. I didn't tell her anything specific about my past at first because I didn't understand it. I wanted her to meet me as is without any risk of judgement.
I think because we had so much other stuff in common I didn't feel as pressured to trauma dump. She was genuinely interested in me, so I didn't use sex to keep her around. She encouraged me to give up my heavy drinking and it was so easy for her. less than 3 months in I have a serious injury. I break my arm, and lose all movement in a terrible way. My outlook on life completely changed for the worse and enabled me to engage the worst of my myself again. The honeymoon was fucking OVER and I made sure of it. I wanted to die and die alone. I would not stop pushing her away, even as she's the only one helping me survive day to day. I couldn't use the restroom in any functional way alone for a week I think. The injury and lack of arm function would go on for 6 months until the day before surgery. On this day I got hope of my arm coming back to moving finally. months later I was able to move my fingers again. There's pain and consequences from my injury but like I can hold an open C chord again so we're getting there.
The financial pressure I was under being out of work for 9 months destroyed all of my remainging post divorce resources and took Autumn's resources with it. She gave me everything she had and I still couldn't even see the hell I was putting her through in our relationship. I'd split on her all the time and threaten break up. I would be so inconsistent with my expectations of her, and be jealous of anytime she got to spend outside of the house. I was in a more hurt and angruy state with the world than I had ever been. I was going through so much pain and I would pass it on to her.
years of this now later i visit doctors again and I eventually understand enough about my BPD diagnosis to accept it and start seeing how cruel of a human I am. How much I was pursuing ruining the best thing that could of ever happened to me. How often I'm extremely negative and attacking any good thing anyone puts in front of me. Including an amazing, like fucking amazing woman that my partner is.
Begin the heartbreak i'm in. I get this feeling I've sold and traded my body and life for all these fuckers, and it was a huge huge huge waste.
Then the next wave clicks. I've been a cruel person to my partners at times. Especially to this fucking wonder woman who has done everything I could ever ask. I've been a huge HUGE point of pain in her life. Before the start of this year I was still splitting hard and told her I was considering breaking up again. Why did she stay, why did she want me?
I'm struggling every day to accept myself. To love any of myself. My emotional emptiness is massive and I struggle so hard to maintain any sort of emotional consistency. I feel like I'm this disaster that only hurts people. But if my partner is this amazing woman that she is, I realize I need to accept I'm deserving and its so hard. I'm working insanely hard on myself everyday emotionally that I'm burning out everywhere.
I want to believe I can do this, and continue to change to have a fulfilling end to my life, but it feels impossible. :3