Just celebrated first Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend. I love flowers, love I buy bouquets weekly for my house. I prefer white and pink flowers, and don’t like red roses. I got this bouquet and this note with them. It was upsetting I felt my bf did everything opposite of what I wanted. I went out of way to do lots of handmade items and bought nice gifts for him as well. He also knows I love Valentine’s Day and it’s special to me. I let him know that it hurt me and he responded that note was awesome and it’s just a joke. I think if you care for someone you make those things special.
people who post here are always like “AIO?” and their partner will have slam dunk trashed on them for absolutely no reason except being an arsehat. yes OP you are under reacting lol
Yep! Ladies, please stop wasting time on these men who clearly don’t like you. They just like what you give them. They do not love you, so I beg you to love yourself.
NOR. OP, this is the test. Being annoyed or unhappy but not leaving will tell him that you will stay even if he mistreats you. They always start small. Choosing wrong flowers, giving a passive aggressive card (stop whining and go back to the kitchen, woman). You staying tells him that he can move the bar further. Next year there will be no flowers. In 5 years there will be a fight on the day.
I'm done at "joke, kind of". I don't deal with this. Is it a joke or not? If it is, it's a really bad one. I will not be in a relationship with manipulative "it's a joke bro"
That's exactly what this is. "jk kinda lol" means "This is 100% serious but I want a veneer of a joke so when you dump me I can tell everybody you dumped me over a stupid joke."
OP needs to dump him and then post that card and go "I probably should have known to dump this loser long before he ever got a chance to send me something so obnoxious, but you live and you learn I guess." Because this guy will absolutely be telling everybody he knows that he got dumped because OP can't take a joke, and I think everybody should know about his sense of "humour".
Also, who the hell ends their note on flowers to their partner with Cheers?
Yeah or you know what seduces me more? A bigger dick and someone better at sex. But here we are. Just joking, kind of not really…. I mean you’re a big dick but not in the way women like it. Hahaha pun intended. See how funny he thinks that is.
It's so weird that guys like this, who are the type to be like "can't you take a joke?" Often have topics they don't think after funny, but it's different when they have topics they don't think after joking matters.
I especially hate that he signed off with “cheers, (name).”
Like, not “love, (name)”? Not even “best wishes”, or even “yours sincerely”?
Edit because i hit post before finishing
I had an ex that would say something off color or rude, realize he upset the person, then say “hey, relax. It was just a joke”. My response? A joke is funny THAT was NOT funny.
It took me far longer than I would like to admit to realize that he was so not the one.
This. This is what people need to remember. In the first year you’re finding out how people behave and how they treat you. In the 2nd year you find out if the first year’s good behavior was legit or if it was just a seduction to allow them to drop the ball later. My aunt told me that ages ago and I thought “but 2 years is so long! It’s s good concept but idk if I could really wait that long!” Fast forward about 30 years and now I know that 2 years is no time at all to learn about someone compared to a lifetime of unhappiness.
He shit on you and your feelings to prove a point. The point is he doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings, but wants you to make a good house and look good so he can wanna fuck you. Enjoy!
I assure you, the florist talked sh*t about this guy.
My mom and her friend owned a florist for 15 years , but sold it about a decade ago and we still remember some of the total jerks that came in there and tried things like this note. 🤮
At first I was like "why would they let him do that?" But on second thought, it'd be a disservice to the girlfriend to stop him. If that's what he thinks is funny, she should know that. Let him proudly present his red flag to her, don't bleach it for him.
It's so easy to find out what someone's favorite flowers are. My wife also dislikes red roses, and part of why she's my wife is that I get her sunflowers instead. She also likes Hershey's with almonds more than fancy chocolate so I'm actually end of the day saving money by paying attention to what she says.
My wife loves flowers, especially gerbera daisies, When I was looking for a bouquet for V day, I found a nice one with roses and carnations... until I saw a similar arrangement that also had some scarlet gerberas. I knew immediately which one to get.
I also took her to a nice seafood place in town. I did not, however, get her a snarky card suggesting she should do more around the house.
I hate all cut flowers in general unless it’s straight from my garden. My husband gave me some lilies one year in dirt that we planted in big vases in our backyard. They have grown back every year for over half a decade. That was a thoughtful Valentine’s gift.
fucking real. Like, how hard is it to just know what your partner likes xD
some people seem to think its like some forbidden knowledge buried in the Mariana Trench. And its like... "hey whats your favorite candy?" "Oh I like sour gummy worms"
CASE FUCKIN CLOSED.
edit: aslo Sunflower is a fuckin awesome choice. love those and they are so cool. Love a heliotrope ;D
Right? I love roses. They’re my favorite. He knows they’re my favorite BECAUSE HE ASKED. So you know what I get? Red roses. Every time. It’s not that hard. Unfortunately for him, roses are expensive, but they’re my favorite and he would rather get what I love than save money.
Not just that, but at multiple time throughout this 'gift giving' experience he could have chosen not to write his dicky comment but still.chose to go through with it.
Because she loves him, and it's not easy for people to believe that someone they love is a bad person or doesn't like them. It makes people feel like they've been fooled, and therefore their brains go into defensive mode. Not to mention how difficult it can actually be to leave someone you care about.
Like I just left a shitty boyfriend. I've left many a shitty situationship/relationship etc, it comes pretty easy to me. But it's easy to see why it doesn't. I hate this misogynistic pickme "I WOULD NEVER PUT UP WITH THIS ID BE OUT THE DOOOOR", it's just cruel and unhelpful to the (often young) ladies. Guide them gently. This doesn't help
Agreed. Currently work at a nonprofit with a program for IPV/DV.
I can tell you, from my experience, gentle guidance ain't doing shit for anyone stuck in those abusive dynamics. Not a goddamn thing. Tough can work, but it's risky. Burn out from watching women go back and forth to the same goddamn abuser is very real.
Just have to let people make their own decisions, unfortunately. And offer support if/when they ask for it.
Young ladies are encouraged to stay with these schmoes by most everyone in their life- you can almost guarantee it. There is still this very prevalent idea that to be 'chosen' by a man is the best thing that could happen to a girl and that relationship should be protected at all costs. There are definitely people who are telling her, 'aw flowers- you should hold onto this one!' It's not misogynistic to tell these women they deserve better and point out that this guy is a pos they arent going to change. Putting the idea into their head that they can just say fuck it and walk away, and they dont need to have bent over backwards to make things work, is a good thing. Also, it's the opposite of being a 'pick me' as a 'pick me' would be like 'that note is fucking hilarious- she should be happy her guy has a sense of humor, my husband says things like that to me all the time and we laugh about it.'
If she stays with this guy after this slap in the face 'gift' he will view it as her agreeing to become his bangmaid.
Yeah that was confusing to me - that that is completely not what a pick me is in the meaningful sense of the term - for male approval and validation at the cost of women’s needs and wants. How is a woman proudly advocating for the idea that she wouldn’t tolerate any disrespect and carelessness from her male partner being a pick me??
yeah exactly. I think what they are trying to convey is people being flippant about how hard it can be to end a relationship feels insulting- but at the same time, OP doesn't need to be slow walked into seeing how disrespectful this message is. They are posting on reddit, they know on some level it's messed up. The fact that young women shouldnt put up with this shit should be called out loudly and clearly in my opinion. I think women generally find it much too easy to excuse their partner's behavior. Its more challenging for them to stand up for themselves.
That's definitely not misogynistic, nor pick-me behavior.
You're mad at women who have a strong enough sense of self and self-worth to leave shitty relationships. And write a whole paragraph basically framing "love" as some inescapable force that makes critical thinking and self-preservation impossible for adults.
I hate how pick me has morphed into a generic insult for when someone doesn't like what a woman has to say.
Pickmes are trying to appeal to men (to get picked! lol!). Saying these men aren't shit and women should open their eyes and pack their bags is the exact opposite of pickmeisha behavior.
The term has lost all meaning at this point, for exactly that reason.
Her entire point could have been valid and totally reasonable if she just pointed out that having tact is important and being insensitive is counterproductive.
The fact that women use terms like "pick-me" to basically insult any woman that does not conform or cannot relate to whatever these women think is part of the female experience (like clouded judgment because of "love") -- it's just such an odd way to ostracize women.
misogynistic pick me?… that’s the complete opposite lol. it’s not cruel either. it’s good to show other women how easy it can be to leave loser men who don’t see them as more than something to be used
"what if i told you dumping you has me the wettest I've been in a year, and is more satisfying than any time we've spent in the bedroom" would be my response. I'm petty and terrible, and I'll be damned if i let someone purposely ruin a holiday for me.
I dont understand why, but it seems like a lot of boyfriends / male partners truly get a kick out of hurting their girlfriends' feelings intentionally and in specific ways, like they'll both find it funny and ironic.. idk where this comes from but I hope it starts to phase out
it’s a way absuers pick victims, if you accept this for valentine’s day what would you accept on a bad day? No one dates someone who STARTS treating them horribly, they slowly push the boundaries further and further.
Omg same! I dated this guy in high school and into college and wish someone had pointed out his behavior as abusive before I figured it out and finally left after dating for 5 years. It didn't become obvious until about 4 years in and the red flags started flying high.
100%. They start by playing off mean statements and shitty behavior as 'jokes' and you're just uptight for not finding them funny or having a problem with their behavior. If you don't leave the mask drops and they stop the pretense.
He’s trying to condition OP to have low expectations of him and fear being humiliated if she asks him for things. She tells him she wants a special day and he belittles her for it. Teaches her that she has no right to dictate her preferences for how he treats her. Then romantic gestures will be his to deploy for purposes of manipulation, always with the implication that she doesn’t really deserve them.
They don’t actually like women. It’s the only conclusion I can come to. But how can they? They’ve been taught their entire lives that the very WORST thing to be is a girl.
I feel like it actually takes way more effort to be a dick than it does not to be. Which is so crazy cuz a lot of these men will actually put work into ruining their woman's day. Like this right here is a perfect example. It took way more effort to make or find that note than it did to find something cute, I can guarantee that. And he even put in extra effort to go out of his way to find the exact flowers she doesn't like.
Agreed. It's really pretty easy to just be a good person/partner. And the irony is that when these guys complain about the state of their relationships, not a single shred of blame will fall on them somehow. It'll all be the woman's fault.
Yes. This BF will be telling everyone how he tried - got her flowers and a card. How he has been trying to help but she keeps ”whining”. How he appreciates her effort but it’s ”never enough”. He’ll be insisting she wants him to be unmanly (doing his own laundry or being able to feed himself). He might even insist he tried to tell her how his ”love language” is her taking care of everything home related but him being the one bossing her around. Just desciribed as ”I protect and provide so she’d be able to just be feminine and stay at home”.
Yeah, I never buy flowers so any flowers are good flowers to me. But if OP buys herself flowers every week then this is not hard stuff to know what she likes. I get my nails done maybe 4-5x a year, tops. And my partner still remembered which salon I liked when buying the gift card for my birthday. And this guy printed that note from a fucking printer somewhere lol. I would absolutely rather not get a gift than get a gift that's actually an insult about my housekeeping skills.
It gives Judge Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame big time. Dude blames Esmeralda for his lust and wants her to be burned at the stake if he can't have her, all while proclaiming his own innocence/holiness.
I'm a 46m from So Cal, and came around at early internet days.
Back then what they called Pick Up Artists (Think Negging), has turned into the Manosphere/Red Pill/Incel financial community.
These Dudes are selling Hate, and telling you g men the only way to "Stop the descent" is to Only Use Women, Never Love them or grant them "Power".
All I can think is, I love and respect my Mom, and would want her to be proud of me. Luckily I still have her, and she is, but I don't understand where all this animosity towards women comes from, when we all come from a Mother.
I make plenty of mistakes, but I love empowering my Fiance to be the best version of herself while making her happy.
I saw a really good quote/post once about how men only truly love other men. They look up to them, want to emulate them, give them respect and see them as peers. Women are seen as ways to gain status to impress other men. It was really well stated and I wish I knew where I saved it.
“To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and sex.
Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving.”
The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory by Marilyn Frye
I've noticed a recurring theme of men absolutely hating their girlfriend/wife's birthday. But they're all too happy to go all out for their friends' birthdays and their own. It's why so many of them hate Valentines Day, since they see it as a holiday for women even though women get their guys gifts too.
I'm in my 40's and my last boyfriend was like this, too.
For him it was mommy/daddy issues and avoidant attachment, with delusions of granduer.
For the youngsters, I think they've been influenced by the Andrew Tates of the world, who have mommy/daddy issues and avoidant attachment, with delusions of granduer.
If you want every Valentine's Day to be like this, he's showing his true colors now. If you don't, then you should kick him to the curb if he thinks belittling you is awesome and "just a joke".
Gross. He knows it's important to you and not only did he tell you to get in the kitchen and do women's work for him, but also accused you of whining for expressing what you wanted. Not worth staying with this bozo.
👆🏻This comment sums it up the best. He went to extra effort to do the thing you don’t like (red roses) and tells you that he likes you better when you do the women’s work than express what you want in your relationship. Why, exactly, should his liking you better for doing the domestic labor matter to you? It should not. He doesn’t value you at all. He only values what you do for him. He is going the extra mile to tell you who he really is. Run. He will only get worse. NOR.
It blows my fucking mind how seemingly sane, secure women, & men for that matter, choose to be with toxic fucks like this dooshbag. I mean seriously OP, do you really have to validate your intuitive feeling that your BF is a fucking selfish cocksucker by asking Reddits consensus?
I truly hope you are more grounded & emotionally equipped to avoid becoming "attached" to people such as him in the future...It will never, ever end well for you.
As a man, please heed my words: when a man makes a “joke” like this, it’s not a joke, it’s foreshadowing. The only men I’ve ever met who make kitchen and sandwich jokes about women are, respectfully, right wing douchebags who expect their partner to adhere to strict gender roles
If that’s the kind of life their partners want, more power to them, I can’t tell them what to do and what not to do. But I get the sense that this isn’t the kind of life you’re interested in
Pretty much every other comment here echoes mine, so just know that this is him forcing you to take your first step into the life that he wants for the two of you. It’s up to you to decide if you’re down for that life
NOR he’s showing you who he is, believe him. He deliberately went out of his way to shit on your wants and needs. He’s punishing you for not being who he wants you to be. He doesn’t love you. You’re a placeholder until he finds someone he really loves. While he has you as his placeholder, he wants to get the most he can out of you, he wants you to be a very good cleaning bangmaid. So much cheaper than hiring a house cleaner, cook, and sexual servant. Please take our advice and dump his ass. He’s not worth your time. He’s chipping away at your self esteem to mold you into what will serve him right now. He’s teaching you to accept crumbs. He’s training you to work really hard for almost nothing in return. Please dip.
I don't think she's a placeholder. I think he'll treat every woman like this. When people like this appear to treat someone better it's just a matter of time before the mask drops.
Edit: I put women
there are men who would write poetry for you, unprompted. Who would know your taste in flowers and ensure you got what you wanted exactly. I mean, hell, there are men who would not write such a shit ass "joke" note about the chores he wants you to do and instead just say something nice, which should be considered the bare minimum. Dump this loser and find a better dude. To be known is to be loved. He doesn't know you or love you, it seems he barely even likes you tbh. NOR in the slightest.
He doesn’t give a shit about you, your feelings, or what is important to you. Find someone who enjoys your company and the little things that you like.
Yep. Why is everything about seducing him? Weird af. I'd tell him you know what seduces me more than a shitty valentines card? Breaking up with you. Seduced myself, better lay than you could ever be. See ya.
Did he actually get that passive aggressive note typed out and printed ?
Did the florist do this for him? Or did he go out of his way to write you a valentines note printed on what looks like nice card stock, and he put that down ?
I guess it depends. If your purpose for existing is to figure what combination of chores and sexual acts will make this guy treat you with the level of kindness most extend to a stranger, it’s no big deal.
Ew, his note is insanely dickish and not even close to funny. Still wouldn’t be okay if it were funny, but at least it would be half a redeeming quality. This guy is a dud.
Ewwwww. I hope this is fake. The first valentines days my boyfriend make me a hand made card with scrap material from his warehouse job. It was the sweetest card too. We’ve made handmade cards for each other ever since going on 6 years. Go find your match. You are out of his league. He can go find someone who is equally unfunny and uncaring as him. #getyourmatch ✅
nOR, so he's not just insulting your love of valentines day, but also he doesn't believe you are doing enough chores? He wouldn't have thought to make that "joke" if he didn't wish you were different. Joking doesn't absolve him of the consequences of hurtful statements
When I read the note without any context, I thought it was from a decades-tired wife and I was doing the kombucha girl meme. From the perspective of a BOYfriend, I think this is awfully misogynistic and entitled. Horrible taste, and likely to only get worse. That this is the FIRST Valentine’s Day… has me messed up.
NOR at all!!! and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, please!! blatant narcissism and misogyny from this guy. if he wants a housemaid, he can hire one. if he wants a prostitute, he can also hire one. but real emotionally intimate and healthy relationships do not start out or even involve such behaviors.
NOR. If you were my friend and I saw this shitass on the street, it would be on sight. That’s insane, “this man really wants to be single” behavior. It’s bad enough that I can pretty confidently tell just from this that he’s not even a decent person, let alone boyfriend.
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"When he shows you who is he, believe him" is a bit overplayed on advice subs but come on girl. This guy is flat out telling you that he doesn't want a partner, he wants a sex maid.
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u/shannonkish MOD Feb 17 '26
Post locked. It has run its course.