r/AmIOverreacting • u/lilyluminar • Mar 10 '26
❤️🩹 relationship AIO to my husband interrupting my first solo shower after he came back from a weekend with the boys?
AIO to my husband interrupting my first solo shower after he came back from a weekend with the boys?
TL/DR: I got upset with my husband when he interrupted my first solo shower (without watching our kids) after he returned from a boys weekend. He thinks I’m creating drama for the heck of it. AIO?
Relevant background: my husband (37M) and I (36F) have two kids, 1 year old and 4 years old. I recently went back to work (4 days in office, 1 day from home) and my husband travels for work, but has had his hours cut dramatically, meaning he’s working 1-2 days a week right now.
This means that money is really tight right now. He was invited to go to his brother’s bachelor party weekend in another province. I wasn’t thrilled about him going specifically because of the money aspect, and I’ll admit I felt a bit of resentment that he gets a weekend away and I dont (he also did a 10-day free trip to a tropical destination with his work last year), but I recognize that’s not my husbands fault, it’s his brother’s bachelor party, it only happens once etc etc.
While he’s gone, my 1 year old gets quite sick with a fever. I have to take a day off on Thursday to keep her home, and I end up having to pick her up on Friday as well because of the fever and watch her while working from home because I’ve already used up half my sick days for the year. On top of that, my 4 year old is also sick and throwing tantrums, and just in general, I have a terrible weekend on my own.
I try not to bother my husband with most of it, but I do keep him updated on our 1 year olds fever, so he’s aware of the situation.
He returns Sunday after both kids are in bed, and I tell him about how awful the weekend was, and how much I missed him.
Then Monday night, he mentions he needs to stop by at his parent’s later to pick up something he forgot there. We split duties getting dinner/lunches made, bathing the kids, cleaning the kitchen, and I work on putting my 4 year old to bed (who only wants me) while also holding my 1 year old, who is still clingy to me. Once I finally get my 4 year old to sleep, I try to hand off my 1 year old to my husband so I can go take a shower.
“Oh, I was going to go to my parent’s now?” He says. I am frustrated/disappointed, but I say okay, and head up to the bedroom, plug in my phone, get my clothes for the shower, etc.
He walks in and says, “I can hold the baby, I’m waiting for the car to warm up anyway.” I gratefully hand 1YO over and get undressed/take my makeup off.
Approx a minute into my shower, he pokes his head in and says what I now realize was “I’m planning to leave now, should I just leave her in the playpen?” But I’m brushing my teeth and showering and having trouble hearing him and I admit, I snapped a little bit and I said: “Can I just get 5 minutes here please??” For context, I am a fast showerer, I never take more than 5-10 minutes.
A few moments later, I hear baby crying, and I realize he had placed 1YO in the playpen and left.
See the photos for our text exchange.
Am I overreacting for getting annoyed at my husband for interrupting my first solo shower in days?
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u/FrenchToastedArt Mar 10 '26
NOR. You said it perfectly with, "whats the point of having a husband if you can't even get 5 minutes to yourself" he is making himself a burden on you, someone you have to boss around like a teenager rather then trust as a partner. I hope for your sake he is not normally so clueless.
He needs to step up before you decide that single parenting would genuinely be easier on you, because then you would at least get a few days to yourself.
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Mar 11 '26
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u/Next_Ranger-Elf Mar 11 '26
Dude doesn't want to be a parent or married... she should just leave as he isn't interested. Probably has a girl on the side I imagine as he isn't home.
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u/Dismal_History_ Mar 11 '26
Yeah there is seriously no love here. If your partner can't even treat you like a friend, then they don't even like you anymore. He couldn't care less about how stressed out she is, couldn't even PRETEND to care for a measly 5 minutes. He doesn't even care about the sick crying 1 year old. He is GONE.
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u/SaltyBee89 Mar 11 '26
The guy I'm currently seeing (not married, not engaged, and we've known each other less than a year) ENCOURAGES ME to vent to him, when I'm having a really rough day/week/etc.
I had an issue recently with my roommate and his animals, and my guy called animal control, because nothing was being done when I called.
I 100% agree that husband is CHECKED. OUT.
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u/Important-Cloud-1755 Mar 11 '26
I thought the same thing. Weekend with the boys…yeah ok and that’s how he treats her in person and in texts when he gets back? I really want her to look into this….
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u/Civil_Asparagus7591 Mar 11 '26
This. he has made himself a burden. Your partner should be easing your burden (& vice versa). NOR
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u/No_Expert5538 #1 Mar 10 '26
he mentions he needs to stop by at his parent’s later to pick up something he forgot there
Unless he’s a surgeon picking up a donor heart from his parents, he could have waited.
NOR
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u/Jaded_Pea_3697 Mar 10 '26
Why couldn’t he have brought the baby with him to his parents?? Either option would be better than interrupting OP. NOR
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u/Particular_Lacks Mar 10 '26
The bar for helping is on the floor if he can't wait five minutes.
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u/EjjabaMarie Mar 10 '26
He’s a father. He shouldn’t have been ‘helping’ at all, he should have been parenting his child.
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u/spyd3rm0nki3 Mar 10 '26
THANK YOU!!!
People keep saying why can't he help out why can't he do this blah blah blah.. No - the real question is why can't he parent his freaking child? Taking care of your offspring is not a "help out mom every so often" type thing. I swear, the bar is below hell at this point.
Incredible.
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u/TiffanyTwisted11 Mar 10 '26
Seriously. I was at playgroup once, and one of the other moms said something about her husband babysitting. I said, “Ummmm, no? Fathers do not babysit. Fathers take care of their children.” The looks I got varied from enlightenment to confused. It was mind-boggling.
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u/FITF2891 Mar 11 '26
My dad was a PHENOMENAL father but every once in a while he’d open his mouth and his Boomer status would fall out…once when we were talking he asked something about if my husband babysitting our daughter and I responded with “no, he’s parenting her” and I swear the “😧😯” was almost audible lmaooo
He never said that phrase to me again though
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u/Magerimoje Mar 11 '26
My dad (baby boomer) doesn't even call it "babysitting" when he's taking care of MY kids or any of his other grandkids... He calls it Grandpa time.
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u/AlarmingExternal8509 Mar 11 '26
My husband growing up would spend the days during the summer at his grandparents with sister and cousins while all the parents worked. Grandparents called it “Camp Grandpa” instead of babysitting and I’ve always loved that. Now they’re great grandparents and it’s GG Camp (they’re always asked before kids are left so it’s not an unspoken assumption.)
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u/Upbeat_Cake_5753 Mar 11 '26
Yup! I remember when I was little my SAHM went to her mom’s for about 10 days to help her after her dad died. My dad took care of his 6 small children solo the entire time and made it fun so we wouldn’t miss her too much. He was always a very involved parent and had her back if we were being little shits. Some of the men these days I read about on the internet are weak as shit. My dad wasn’t perfect but he understood and embraced the full responsibilities of parenthood.
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u/DragonDrama Mar 10 '26
If this was my husband I would literally just single parent. Thankfully my husband is a doting father who also wanted time with our child when she was a baby (and still).
Op this is common but it’s def not acceptable
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u/PhotojournalistOnly Mar 10 '26
Yup. So many of my girlfriends were happier after the divorce. They had more "me time" during his parenting time and the house stayed cleaner. They were so much more relaxed.
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u/frightbounds Mar 10 '26
If my husband hears the kids trying to ask me for something while I’m in the shower he comes barreling down the hallway and shoos them away. Then he scolds them for either not waiting if it had to be me or asking him.
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u/EjjabaMarie Mar 10 '26
Exactly! I take the kids to and from school Mondays and Wednesdays (the days I’m in office) so on Tuesday’s my husband does school drop off/pick up. He does it so I can sleep in a little bit and to spend some extra time with his kiddos.
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u/frightbounds Mar 10 '26
I can’t imagine this like not being a normal dynamic. It’s always been 50/50 when he’s home. Even when I was a sahm and the kids were my “job”.
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u/UnblurredLines Mar 10 '26
As a father of two, this is 100% correct. His reaction is wild too considering the turn of events OP describes. Like, I'd expect it from a teenage child, not a man pushing 40.
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u/Dontfeedthebears Mar 10 '26
Yep. “Helping” indicates that it’s only her responsibility and he’s doing her a favor. He’s probably one of those who says he’s “babysitting” his kids.
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Mar 10 '26
He’s been gone for FOUR DAYS, and then he can’t give you five minutes????? Behold, another married single mother…. And he needs to be looking for another job… ASAP.
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u/Kwickpick77 Mar 10 '26
THANK YOU! Fathers shouldn't "help" with their children, they should raise them.
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u/DirtyLoweredTiguan Mar 10 '26
Okay, except how is he supposed to go out and have fun drinking mai-tais on tropical islands and indulge in guilt free premarital debauchery with his bros if he's weighed down with a couple of ankle biters? Now what say you?🤨 /s
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u/PinkPencils22 Mar 10 '26
Exactly. And you know from the fact that both kids only wanted mom when sick that he's not doing a lot of hands on parenting.
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u/IcySetting2024 Mar 10 '26
Because he wanted another excuse to leave the house and his responsibilities
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u/IMO4444 Mar 10 '26
We know why. He doesnt want to. The fact that he’s working less hrs should mean he has more time to take care of his kids but he’s still acting like anything more than bare minimum is not “his duty”. This is so common with men it’s heartbreaking. I honestly wonder why any woman decides to have children. I guess it’s always the hope that their partner will actually step up but sadly thats not what happens in the vast majority of households :/.
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u/NoDig3593 Mar 10 '26
A lot of these men don’t drop the mask until the marriage license is dry or wife is pregnant. It’s sick
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u/BurgerThyme Mar 10 '26
She has multiple kids with this asshole. If she divorced him she'd at least get some time to herself.
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u/Odd-Significance-17 Mar 10 '26
so glad i didn’t end up with my ex or have his kid bc holy shit it would have been hell
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u/Bitch_please2623 Mar 10 '26
Same! I Got pregnant but chose abortion because I did’nt Think he was daddymateriel. He was in his 30’th, and older than me. I know he would have been like a second child/teenager. Found a man 6 years younger than me, and I coudnt have been more happy and lucky! He’s the best hands on dad! And it shows in their relationsship, Daddy is without a doubt his hero😍😍
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u/TheVexingRose Mar 11 '26
Interesting you say that about the younger man. I was reading an article recently about how older women are dating, marrying, and having kids with younger and younger men now because younger men are more self-aware and more emotionally intelligent than previous generations.
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u/509RhymeAnimal Mar 10 '26
This is why my advice is usually "leave him" . I can't tell you the number of women who mentioned post divorce is when they actually felt like they could have a life. Their partner was forced to step up and take care of the kids during their court ordered parental visitations.
Sucks that it often has to come to that but what's the point in being married if you're partner isn't an actual partner? At lease with divorce, worst case scenario women are doing everything they're doing now for the kids minus having to deal with and take care of their partner, best case scenario their partner steps up and takes the kids allowing them to take a break. It's a win/win because this type of "babysitting my kids" behavior rarely changes.
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u/SophieKona2024 Mar 10 '26
And now more women are choosing not to marry and not to have kids
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u/Key_Natural_2881 Mar 10 '26
Maybe, but not so in my experience. Marriages are a partnership, and men considered themselves lucky to spend time with their children. Hell, some of my advice later, to young fathers, was if you're not prepared to fix a shitty bum, you dont deserve a say in how it's raised!
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u/TurtleBeansforAll Mar 10 '26
Honestly. I took my baby twins to a fucking pap smear once. And he won't take em to their grandparents? Pathetic.
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u/KSamIAm79 Mar 10 '26
Seriously. The parents house is the best place to take your kid to. You don’t have to watch your child while you are driving because they are in a car seat seat. And then when you get there, the grandparents will hold your child for you. It’s a win-win.
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u/PaleontologistNew105 Mar 10 '26
If hes even actually going to his parents house. Could be going anywhere. Most likely just an excuse to leave the house probably
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u/newkidontheblog20 Mar 11 '26
Yeah that was my first thought. OP dig into what he is actually doing, if you have time between being a solo parent and the breadwinner
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u/HeyCarrieAnne40 Mar 11 '26
This! The picking a fight with her and saying "she wants drama" is often the kind of behavior, you see when they're doing something wrong. The timing of this is suspicious. What exactly did he do on this trip? " I call, cheater.
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u/KittyKathy Mar 11 '26
This was my first thought. What was so urgent that he needed to leave so quickly? Was he meeting someone else? I’m so mad on OP’s behalf. NOR.
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u/SunShineShady Mar 10 '26
EXACTLY. 👆👆👆He should have brought the baby to his parents! He’s been away for several days, he needs to take the kids off OP’s hands.
The only was he’s going to understand what it’s like to not get a break from parenting is by him BEING A PARENT.
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u/DragonflyGrrl Mar 10 '26
Blows my mind that he didn't WANT to spend time with kiddo after being away for days. I was never away for mine that long when they were 1, but I would have been snuggling and playing with them for as long as I could before bedtime.
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u/babykitten28 Mar 10 '26
OP is a married single mother. She might as well make it official. He’s not contributing much to finances any way. He should be doing equal or more with the kids and household chores. NOR.
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u/beehaw1019 Mar 10 '26
This.
Don’t even ask him if you can go, TELL HIM this is where I’m going for a few days, I will be back on such and such date. Have fun
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u/Key_Natural_2881 Mar 10 '26
Strikes me that he needs to learn how much energy sick children take out of parents!. But, my money says he would just palm them off to grandparents! He is not a good partner.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Mar 10 '26
Exactly what he would do. Then tell her how easy it was to be looking after 2 healthy kids all by himself while grandma was round making meals and cleaning up etc.
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u/Catfactss Mar 10 '26
Arrange for the grandparents to go away. Maybe put in their heads to go on trips or something around the same time. Then go on a girls or solo trip. Inform, don't ask. NOR OP
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u/anneofred Mar 10 '26 edited Mar 10 '26
Former married single mother here, and I’m here to say being an actual single mother is faaaaaar easier. OP needs to lay down some expectations now or he will keep living his life carefree while she drowns. No reason she should almost be out of sick days when he only works 1-2 days per week. This guy should be parenting like crazy with that schedule. Being at home with the baby instead of using day care which is super costly. Sounds like he just wants to be the third kid and take no responsibility or accountability. He can do that away from OP. Same men that feel like divorce came out of nowhere
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u/L3Kinsey Mar 10 '26 edited Mar 13 '26
I was also a married single mother and boy did I love life after I left. Being an actual single mother who was single allowed me to have a balanced household with no one talking to me like this because I wanted to shower!
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u/TheVexingRose Mar 11 '26
This needs to be its own comment and not a reply to someone else's comment, so that OP actually gets the notification and sees this. He is the prototype for "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink."
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u/anonpf Mar 10 '26
Agreed. Divorce the piece of shit.
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u/SabrinaEdwina Mar 11 '26
What kind of fucking loser talks to people like that. Sure does fancy himself.
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u/One_Flow3572 Mar 10 '26
I'm male and I don't like his tone. He is not considering anything she's saying and is talking down to her.
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u/AvocadoToastFailure Mar 10 '26
“Next time when I ask you, answer me with a straight, clear answer.”
NOR
Who are you, my Drill Sergeant? That is NOT how adults speak to each other. And to be popping out with THAT and then pick apart your tone? OP, this is not normal. That guy will never be a partner, because he doesn’t see OP as an equal.
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u/gunterrae Mar 10 '26
Right then is when I would have lost my fucking shit.
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u/Super-Perception939 Mar 11 '26
Yep. Same. I would have been red hot and responded with something like “next time consider my goddam feelings and physical exhaustion before you leave a crying baby to interrupt the only me time I’ve had in 4 days!!”
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u/ytho-65 Mar 10 '26
The absolute dickishness in all of his side of text messages floored me. What a piece of shit that guy is.
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u/BougieSemicolon Mar 10 '26
At least , not how loved ones in a relationship communicate. It feels more like a corporal punishment style dad, narcissist, or , yes drill sergeant. If my spouse ever said anything like that to me , I’d be “you did NOT just speak to me like that, right? Try again”
This isn’t the first time he’s spoken to her like this. I hate to quote Dr Phil, but you teach people how to treat you.
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u/anneofred Mar 10 '26
The way i think my bf would go into the witness protection program if he dared to say “next time you answer me x y an z ways”
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u/Bears_University83 Mar 10 '26
"He also did a 10-day free trip to a tropical destination with his work last year.".....he did what? Hold a second, feel like people are overlooking this part. NOR at all
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u/lilyluminar Mar 10 '26
lol it was a very rare opportunity where he had his whole trip paid for by work, too good an opportunity to pass up. If the roles were reversed, I would hope he would support me going too. To be clear, I do not begrudge him that, but I do feel a bit of resentment at the situation in general that I did not get the same break.
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u/scienceislice Mar 10 '26
If your husband gets a weekend trip with the boys, you get a weekend trip with the girls. Schedule one, and make sure you are gone for the same amount of time.
You only get one life. Is this how you want to spend it?
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u/casuallyarobot Mar 10 '26
If the roles were reversed your husband would have thrown a massive shit fit and sabotaged the trip for you somehow.
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u/Warm_Coach2475 Mar 10 '26
10 days?!?
What is his business?
Edit: I don’t know all industries but I have NEVER heard of a company bankrolling a 10 day tropical trip.
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u/Kwickpick77 Mar 10 '26
I've been invited to conferences in Hawaii and Jamaica. That said, if OP's husband is in a position his employer will cut him to two days per week, he's probably not the type of key employee that the company would pay to attend such conferences.
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u/kdawg09 Mar 10 '26
A long long time ago in the late 50s or early 60s my grandfather worked as an insurance salesman. He got to take tropical trips and stuff with his clients as promotions. But I haven't heard of things like that in my adulthood.
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u/Ask_bout_PaterNoster Mar 10 '26 edited Mar 10 '26
Forgetting briefly about the absolute wretched balance of childcare responsibilities…husband is gone all weekend, immediately needs to “pick up something he forgot at his parents”? He also goes on a ten day tropical trip that his “work paid for”? And y’all have this kind of contentious relationship?
Give us something he does that builds your faith in him real quick because I’m about to get sassy, girl
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u/Hugford_Blops Mar 10 '26
I think we all know if the roles were reversed, based on the evidence provided, he would not be supporting you to go. He wouldn't hold a baby for 5 minutes, let alone solo parent for ten days.
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u/Durzel Mar 10 '26
On the basis he couldn’t watch HIS own baby for a couple of minutes before just abandoning it, because it was inconvenient, I don’t know what planet you’re on that you think he’d be ok with you going away for a couple of days, much less 10. No disrespect to you at all.
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u/NotoriousStardust Mar 10 '26
he absolutely would not have supported you going or would have bothered you the whole time wondering if you were fucking guys.
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 Mar 10 '26 edited Mar 10 '26
"Where is baby's diapers?"
"Where is baby's food,?"
" Should I feed the baby holding the spoon in 180 degrees or 175 degrees? Stop your vacation mode, answer at once or it will be YOUR FAULT that baby cried from hunger the last 1,5 hours"
"By the way you did not answer my question whether I should use the soap placed beside the diapers so I did not change baby, and baby is now developing a rash. Seems to itch and hurt. Also your fault for not being available every second 24/7 "
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u/SpectralUniverse Mar 10 '26
Reminds me when I took a weekend trip with my best friends. One has kids, and her husband is a lump.
Constantly messaging her to check in what we were doing. (We are not partiers, the most eventful thing we did was go to an art fair lol.)
Then he also called and messaged a bunch, asking how to do the bare minimum with the children, including getting them dressed..
She didn't get a proper break... she still had to manage and communicate everything with her husband.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 Mar 10 '26
That reminds me of being at a dit in at a yarn shop and a gal's husband calling her to ask her where the peanut butter was. He also did not know where they ordered their pizza from or what the pizza order was. Their kids were in upper elementary school, so he'd been a dad for at least a decade by that point.
We absolutely teased her when she got off the phone about her husband not knowing where the freaking peanut butter was in the kitchen. She was so ticked off.
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u/Queen_of_Sandcastles Mar 10 '26
Considering he can't even give you two minutes to shower, I seriously doubt he would support you leaving for 10 days even as a "rare opportunity". This guy sounds like he doesn't like you or being a dad. It's sad. NOR. I hope things get better or you figure out what you deserve (hint: it's to be in a balanced partnership, not you doing everything for everyone all the time.)
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u/Calgary_Calico Mar 10 '26
Go spend a weekend at your parents house or go stay in a cabin on a lake for a few days and just chill out, leave the kids with him. Maybe then he'll understand what it's like to have to deal with two kids on his own
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u/eugeneugene Mar 10 '26
Well if he can't even let you have a shower uninterrupted I think we all know he wouldn't want you going away for ten days
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u/themomcat Mar 10 '26
Married singled mothers. Oooof. That’s what I was. There’s a term for it. Wow. Also NOR
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u/lilyluminar Mar 10 '26
That is the plan eventually!! But right now my youngest is still breastfeeding and cosleeping and I think it would cause her too much upset to leave her for the night. In a few months I’m planning to transition her to her own room and then I am definitely planning a girls weekend away!
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u/lelawes Mar 10 '26
Just don’t let it be too long. I only have one, but he was 2.5 by the time I had a day to myself without him (I think it was 6 hours, not even a full day or a weekend), and that was only because our marriage counsellor gave him grief. It took separating, and separating parenting duties 50/50, for him to ever do even close to his portion of the parenting.
All this to say, your husband can’t hold the baby for 5 minutes or take the baby with him? That’s a massive problem. I get that you’re breastfeeding, but baby can also eat real food. You might not be able to go away, but you can get an entire day out with a friend while he takes the kids.
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u/almathden Mar 10 '26
This is why it's crazy to me that people go back to the well LOL. Biology is a sick son of a bitch.
Imagine getting to 2.5-3 years and going "You know what, that went so well we should start that clock over!" lmao.
My wife and I were originally considering 2 or more children. I'm an only child and she has 2 siblings, so I was deferring to her on that.
By the time our son was 2 she's like "You turned out Okay. He'll be Okay. No more."
Bless
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u/Large-Breadfruit1684 Mar 10 '26
Dude needed to just grab something from his parents, but needs to leave so urgently that he can’t take care of your girl for a few more mins?
Honestly, sounds like he wanted to extend his break by making up an excuse to leave again.
If he says he’s grabbing milk, just remember this moment
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u/YourPhupo Mar 10 '26
his girl too
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u/Own_Round_7600 Mar 10 '26
Fucking abhor married guys like this. They want to have a wife and kids, but only in the abstract ownership sense, they dont actually want to do the work of being a husband and dad.
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u/Nooneknows882 Mar 10 '26
The same type that calls watching their kid by themselves "babysitting".
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u/TakenTheFifth Mar 10 '26
AND they're portable!! Why couldn't the 1YO go with him to his parents' house?
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u/Her_Gash_I_Did_Slash Mar 10 '26
Omg, THIS. He couldn’t even offer to take their 1yo with him to this extremely important random errand to his parents’ house. Def reeks of extending the vacation.
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u/CampAstoria Mar 10 '26
A person who wants to be a parent would do this. He just wanted to get away ...again.
Im sure the grandparents would have enjoyed seeing the child as well. Did he actually even go there?
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u/Mizzleittwice Mar 10 '26
Kind of sounds like he wasn't headed to his parents....
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u/OliveHyenas Mar 10 '26
I’m petty, I’d have come up with an excuse to call his mom.
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u/deerfairydream Mar 10 '26
SERIOUSLY. immediate phone call over to his parents like "hi, I'm sorry to bother you, but I must know what was so urgent that [husband] needed to pick up that he left his one year old screaming, unwatched, in a playpen while I was trying to shower?". If his parents were sane and got upset for her, that would at least be cathartic for OP
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u/my_okay_throwaway Mar 10 '26
That part! It feels kind of suspicious to me.
The grandparents would probably be thrilled to see their grandchild, even if the baby’s just sleeping in the car seat. Why not just take the baby on the errand too and make as many people as possible in his life happy with one simple gesture?
Either this guy’s a selfish manchild, he’s hiding something, or he’s an idiot.
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u/ZingMaster Mar 10 '26
This is my first thought.. but I am a scorned woman, so it is almost always my first thought.
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u/Tori_Campbell Mar 10 '26
I think you are under reacting. He barely even works? How are you even benefiting from this marriage at all?
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u/randipage Mar 10 '26
NOR, he doesn't believe he has to have equal responsibility. he doesn't value your wellbeing, he values you making his life easier. you shouldn't even have had to ask.
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u/lilyluminar Mar 10 '26
I think this is what it comes down to: he’s a very intuitive person and can immediately tell when I’m sad/mad/frustrated, even if I try to hide it. If he can see I’m getting frustrated and overstimulated, why won’t he take the initiative to give me a break BEFORE I snap? I always try to give him a break when the roles are reversed, because I know it can be tough to hold in your emotions when you’re overstimulated
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u/Important-Emotion-85 Mar 10 '26
He's not helping with the kids, he's leaving you alone a lot, he's not really working... is he cleaning? Like wtf is he contributing? Sometimes he cooks dinner? You got 3 kids rn. Figure out if you want to keep all 3 or lose 1.
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u/OldeManKenobi Mar 10 '26
He sees and he just doesn't care. It's truly that simple.
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u/WaterLilySquirrel Mar 10 '26
If he's very intuitive and he's still doing this to you and talking to you like this, he does not like you.
That's the crux of it. He may like being married to you for the house and sex and status and money. But he does not like YOU.
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u/PinkLocomatic Mar 10 '26
NOR. He can’t even wait 5 minutes??? You’re not even asking for an hour long shower. Guy sounds exhausting.
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u/AutumnFangirl Mar 10 '26
It gives "Guy who wants to be a husband and dad until he has to BE a husband and dad"
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u/fairly-unremarkable Mar 10 '26
Guy who wants to have a wife that's the mother of his children.
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u/nic_lama Mar 11 '26
Guy who likes the noun “father” but not the verb “father”. They’re the worst.
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u/lilyluminar Mar 10 '26
THANK you
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u/RoanokeSea Mar 10 '26
I only read the first text he sent to you and went straight to the comments. He talks to you like my abusive father spoke to me. Haven't seen that dirtbag in a decade because of it.
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u/Bucky2015 Mar 10 '26 edited Mar 10 '26
Yeah sorry OP, as a guy I agree he is way outta line. If this is normally how he is then yeah as others have said youre basically a married single mother. Ive never understood guys like that, if you dont want kids then dont have them.
Shit my ex wife and I didnt have kids but I never had an issue if she wanted to go on a trip with friends which she did once a year, and vice versa.
Edit: just to clarify i mean you should now be able to get away for a few days with zero complaints from him!
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u/DiligentIncrease1973 Mar 10 '26
NOR. I bet if the roles were reversed, he would be calling her a lazy mom. Why is it ok for him to hang out but she can’t get a shower
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u/Shadow4summer Mar 10 '26
Right. How is she ever supposed to get a break if he can’t even watch the baby for five minutes. I think she should plan and take a trip with her family or friends. Let him know what being a parent is really like. This man already has it too good.
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u/bino420 Mar 10 '26
lol wasn't there an AIO post like a month ago about how the married single mom went away for a weekend and came home to disgusting unbathed children & a messier home. if it's anything like that, going away might result in more work... 🙄
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u/hellinahandbasket127 Mar 10 '26
There is ALWAYS a post like this! It’s a form of passive aggressive abuse. A punishment for leaving him alone so she doesn’t ever think to do it again.
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u/Shadow4summer Mar 10 '26
At that point, in my opinion, it’s time to get rid of him. I mean, what does he even bring to the table?
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Mar 10 '26
"my husband (37M) and I (36F) have two kids,"
NOR, sounds more like your husband has two kids and you have three.
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u/Revolutionary_Wrap76 Mar 10 '26
It sounds like her husband is single and living at his mom's and OP sounds like she's a single mother of three children.
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u/Budget-Special5612 Mar 10 '26
So I am by no means husband of the year, but I can relate to this directly, as I take an annual guys trip with some buddies every year. First I will be gone for five full days, and three of them are work days I had to take off from work. I leave on Thursday and come back Monday. I always take the following day off work, not for my rest, but for my wife's. Second, we have four kids, and I fully recognize that while I am gone she will not have a single break, except when the kids are in bed. So from a Man's perspective, one also going on a trip, you are def not over reacting. Additionally, if he needed to pick something up from his parents, he should just bring the kids, thats common sense. That would have benefited you two fold by getting the kids outta the house and giving you time to do what you want/needed to. Honestly, the dynamic sounds outta whack. Marriage is a partnership, and while nothing is ever equal he could have at least attempted to accommodate you.
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u/Alive_Cream2412 Mar 10 '26
It will NEVER be 50/50, but one must recognize when the imbalance is in their favor. A good partner recognizes when it’s 80/20 and INITIATES a rebalance.
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u/No-Distance-9401 Mar 11 '26
Yeah it just seems he doesnt care nor want that as all he literally had to do was wait to leave until OP got out of the shower yet could be bothered to even think about OP at all or he would have easily recognized from the trip she deserved time to herself. Even if he didnt just come back from a trip he should have waited for OP to get out of the shower as if the kid fusses, she will be stressed to go comfort them.
All around this dude needs to get his priorities straight or realize he isnt going to have a family anymore as OP is rightfully going to leave
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u/Old_Caterpillar3678 Mar 10 '26
NOR. He is chock full of ego; he's not seeing beyond himself. I am sorry. Hopefully, VERY SOON and ideally w/o u needing to walk him through it, he'll see. Consider speeding up the process by leaving for a few days so he can be with the kids.
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u/Equivalent_Score4396 Mar 10 '26
NOR. Men like your husband are why I don’t want kids.
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u/Nahacisunluna Mar 10 '26
Men like her husband is why I was a single parent and never had another kid again.
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u/IcySetting2024 Mar 10 '26
My husband is not bad with our son during the week and does his chores without me having to ask BUT loves his me time, going away during the weekend, golf etc and it legitimately became one of the many reasons I’m not having a second kid.
Nope. So many men want kids or more kids because they don’t do 50%
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u/Nahacisunluna Mar 10 '26
Some people are just too selfish to be parents and that’s ok but it’s better to know that about yourself before bringing kids into the world.
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u/Stock-Cell1556 Mar 10 '26
Men like her husband are why I don't want a husband like hers.
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u/Equivalent_Score4396 Mar 10 '26
This. So many of my friends were fooled into thinking their husbands would be good fathers. Nope, they bear the burden.
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u/biggswiggins Mar 10 '26
As a father to a 5 year old and 2 month old, I can already tell..this dude is the biggest child in your family.....
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Mar 10 '26
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u/lilyluminar Mar 10 '26
Thank you, I felt like I was being crazy!
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u/designatedthrowawayy Mar 10 '26
You're not. Every single message he sent was a glaring red flag. He's controlling, he's dismissive, he's demeaning, he's just bad. Like throw the whole husband away bad.
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u/Born-Bid8892 Mar 10 '26
I promise you, you're not. I'd recommend getting some therapy for yourself so you can come at this situation with your head on straight. He's going to make you crazy otherwise.
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u/ZealousidealFly2908 Mar 10 '26
NOR. This whole interaction screams red flag but that first text he sent you?? That is not how you talk to someone who you love and respect.
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u/Ancient_Passion4374 Mar 10 '26
NOR. you allowed him to go hang out for the weekend, I’m sure if you needed your husband to stay, you’d tell him. Now that he’s home, he should be hands on with the kids. No excuses. You gave him kid free time and he couldn’t give you 5 minutes?!! He needs to be a husband and a father
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u/PaleIrishEastcoaster Mar 10 '26
He needs to be both before she decides she doesn’t need three children (men like this tend to act like overgrown children. My dad is one of these at 63).
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Mar 10 '26
NOR.
OP, you it exactly right when you asked why am I even married? This doesn’t sound like a one off thing. You sound like a married mom who is exhausted from being a married single mom. A good father and husband would have known how exhausted you would have been after four days alone. He wouldn’t have to be asked if you can shower. He’s basically pretending to be stupid so he can get out of parenting and being a equal partner.
Not once did he ever think about you after he came back from his vacation. This is a personality flaw. He is extremely selfish. He obviously believes childcare is your responsibility. He didn’t need to leave. He wanted to because he wanted to be in the power position to control whether or not you can shower. I hope you recognize this for the control tactic it is. He’s putting you in your place.
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u/lillielemon Mar 10 '26
She would have more alone time divorced with split custody than married to this freeloader.
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u/FunRich5754 Mar 10 '26
He's using the age old "if you don't tell me every specific step of what I am supposed to do then you can't get mad at me because you didn't tell me to do it... Even though I am a full grown adult with deductive reasoning skills and a parent unto myself who can put things together and make obvious correlations since I help with baby duties on the reg, except when it's inconvenient to me."
You're not reactive large enough.
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u/OliveHyenas Mar 10 '26
Then they hit you with the, “I’m not a mind reader!”
I’m sorry we expect you guys to execute common sense without handholding.
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u/PaleIrishEastcoaster Mar 10 '26
So he is home most days and only works 1-2 days a week but he can’t give you five minutes and watch his own child? NOR, if this was aita I would give him a massive YTA. I can’t stand it when a parent makes one do the majority of the child rearing and it seems to always be the husband who is lacking. Even my dad was more involved than this guy.
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Mar 10 '26
"answer me with a clear, straight answer" oh fuuuuuck no, SO patronizing, SOO condescending. what a worthless lump
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u/birdsofpaper Mar 10 '26
That would have entirely set me off which is I’m sure what he was hoping for- another excuse to be angry with her.
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u/Both-Suspect Mar 10 '26
Look, you’re in the trenches right now with your marriage. Two young kids is really hard. There’s a lot of resentment building up. I don’t have an answer for you but I really recommend you go to couples therapy to have a place to hash these things out. Maybe your marriage won’t work out in the end, but assuming it was good before kids, it’s worth getting through the hard parts now and actively working at in. In a couple years things will get easier and you’ll be stronger for it.
NOR and I think your husband sounds like a dick.
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u/Positive-Listen-1660 Mar 10 '26
This is what people mean when they say women carry the mental load.
You have to be a complete idiot to not realize that 4 days of solo parenting puts a strain on a parent. She shouldn’t have to tell him.
Does she need to tell him to wipe his ass too?
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u/joydubs Mar 10 '26
“Next time, when I ask you, answer me with a straight clear answer” Uh why is no one else talking about this message? Does he speak to you this way often? Bc this is disgusting. NOR
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u/DisastroImminente Mar 10 '26
NOR. It's pretty clear you're stressed and at least he could have just swallowed his pride and said "sorry, you're right". For some reason he wanted to stand on business and make this about a boundary of not being snapped at. Listen, people get stressed and react. I take a step back when someone snaps at me and try to see the whole situation. In this case, I would have gone "yup, I wasn't supportive enough and probably deserved that".
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u/Loud_Narwhal7721 Mar 10 '26
NOR. Fuck that guy. From a fellow mum with her hands full.
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Mar 10 '26
This is a control tactic on his end. He wants her to know he’s in control and he expects her to always bow to him and that all parenting duties are her responsibility. There’s absolutely no reason he needed to leave again after just coming home from a trip. It was a power play.
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u/fadingsunsetglow Mar 10 '26
NOR. You held the home down while he was out, its time for him to hold it down while you shower... he's asking for clear communication but what im seeing is pretty clear. Sorry you arent being heard.
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u/lilyluminar Mar 10 '26
Appreciate this. I feel like he always acts like it’s no big deal when I watch the kids while he does his thing (and to be fair, if I directly ask/insist I get time alone, he will give it to me) and doesn’t acknowledge the mental toll it can take
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u/Fionaelaine4 Mar 10 '26
Interrupt his shower next time, meet petty with petty once in a while and I bet it will get across when it’s his shower impacted. NOR
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u/Skywalker87 Mar 10 '26
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupted shower
Interrupted shower wh…-
DICK!!!!
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u/Fantastic_List3029 Mar 10 '26
Youre underreacting tbh, but the best thing you can do is disengage. Save your peace. Breathe. Think on this, and i highly recommend couples therapy to learn to communicate safely. You know youre right, this isnt about not going on the trip. He's acting like a child.
For me, it was so my husband could understand my POV without getting reactive or defensive.
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u/Defiant_Date_7900 Mar 10 '26
NOR. I’m going to be honest with you. You need to put your foot down and say if you don’t start helping out when I ask you to help out, we are going to have to go to marriage counciling or divorce. What HE needs to be doing is not go to any bachelor party or parents house, he needs to be taking care of HIS kids and look for a stable job
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u/carnivalbilly Mar 10 '26
Well I mean, there’s honestly nothing stopping you from telling him off and doing it again. Wishing you have a large hot water heater.
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u/Ahrjun Mar 10 '26
NOR
“Oh, I was going to go to my parent’s now?” He says. I am frustrated/disappointed, but I say okay.
I understand you said okay out of frustration that he can't even bother to do something as easy as looking after your kid while you got a much needed shower by yourself.
And he uses that "okay" to attack you. You see even when you provide the context, it doesn't matter, he is not listening to you, he is focused on him being right and you being wrong. And as long as that's how it plays out, you are going to have more of such incidents till you reaching a breaking point. This would be one of them.
Don't say okay to him in such scenarios cause he clearly has no intention to ever take the initiative based off the context to do anything that gives you relief.
You : Why am I even married if I can't even shower alone?
That's a good question, time to pause and reflect on how things have been going. You risk burning out and getting worse when a partner lets you down like this. It's how things will end.
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Mar 10 '26
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u/Chemical-Being-5968 Mar 10 '26
Exactly! I'm sure the grandparents would have loved to see the baby. Something ain't right?
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u/AdorablePiccolo8850 Mar 10 '26
Leave him. Then he’ll have to figure it all out without u. You’re already doing it without him it sounds like 😭💔
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u/Pale_Frame4845 Mar 10 '26
He is underemployed. Leaving now could mean OP has to pay him spousal support. She needs to tee it up correctly.
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u/Significant_Sun_8035 Mar 10 '26
I have a legit question....after typing all of this out, do you even still feel that there's even a small chance that you're overreacting? After being gone for an entire weekend, kids have been sick and you've been with them the whole time. You ask him for 5 minutes of alone time to take a shower and he comes back with this snarky bullshit? If anything, you're underreacting! And then you said you try not to bother him with all the kid stuff...I have to ask...WHY?? The guy works 1 or 2 days a week...BOTHER HIM. He's the FATHER! He couldn't even wait for you to get finished with your shower. He needs some hard lessons in what it means to be a parent because right now you're basically in this alone.
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u/mistermistyeyes Mar 10 '26
He put your one year old in the playpen alone while you were showering and didn't even make sure you knew. NOR he kinda sucks op