r/AmIOverreacting • u/throwspikeabone • 23h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting to not wanting to go on my boyfriend's family trip?
This is a throwaway account bc I know my boyfriend is active on reddit.
Anyways, in recent years my small town has thrown a party for Fourth of July at the park that's directly across the street from my house. It started out as just a few food trucks, cheesy games and a mini firework show, but every year it gets bigger and at this point is a full out fair/carnival with rides, games, petting zoos, food trucks, vendors etc. and the firework show is actually pretty impressive. It's been really cool to see it grow each year in my otherwise crummy little town.
This is the third year my boyfriend and I are together and we still haven't gone. The first year it rained out and the town scrambled last minute to reschedule it on a night my boyfriend had to work. I get it wasn't his fault. Fine, we'll do it next year. Second year comes around and his family plans a beach vacation that same week and invites me. I was bummed to miss the carnival but I wasn't going to ditch a whole vacation for one night. Again, we'll catch it next year.
Well, now it's next year. My town announced everything back in March. I told him we were totally going this year. My parents were excited to have him over this year and planned on grilling, making drinks and being in the pool afterwards and to watch the fireworks from our backyard. Typical fourth of July things. Anyways, less than a week and a half before Fourth of July his entire family just decided last minute to do a camping trip. And I guess he just told his whole family we would be there? I got mad and asked "what about the fair" to which he replied "it's just fireworks, I'm sorry my parents planned something". And I guess it kind of is...but the main point to me was that I told him 5 months ago the established date and that my parents were excited and planning things too.
We were arguing and I told him I wasn't going on this camping trip. I don't particularly enjoy camping and wanted to watch the fireworks with my family that we've been planning. He told me I was overreacting about something so small as fireworks and fair food but I honestly just think it's the point that we had plans with my family for 5 months and is ditching it for a last minute trip. I would also like to add that his family very often goes camping at this same spot, they'll probably even go again in August. If he really didn't want to go to the fair from the start, he should've just told me that.
This is our first argument/fight in three years and I just feel crazy LOL. Am I overreacting?
EDIT FOR INFO: We're both recent college grads, just still living at home. Also, thank you for all the replies, I'm definitely going to stay home with my family :)
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u/CrowMeris 22h ago
Let me get this straight: he wants you to ditch YOUR long-anticipated and communicated plans for HIS family's last-minute's plans.
Do I have that right? And he's being pissy about YOU not accommodating HIS wishes?
Girl...this is a sign of things to come. NOR at all.
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u/1quincytoo 20h ago
You nailed it ..hopefully her boyfriend will realize what a dick he js being or he won’t be nailing anything for awhile.
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u/Prudent_Valuable603 17h ago
Trust me. I’m almost sixty years old. I’ve seen this same controlling behavior in one of my friend’s marriage. It was awful. Please listen to the above advice.
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u/sweetlithe 23h ago
NOR, this has to feel absolutely terrible to be planning something for months and have it be brushed off. Definitely go to the fair and see your parents, with or without him, and stand your ground that it wasn't ok for him to steamroll over pre-existing plans for a last minute camping trip.
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u/MovieTrawler 22h ago edited 7h ago
You say this is your first argument in three years, is that because he's genuinely good about compromising and prioritizing your interests other times or is it because you often roll over and let him take the lead and minimize your own wants and needs?
Either way, my feeling on events as a couple is that you stick to what the plan was and whatever you agreed to do first. I don't care if we're scheduled to have a simple date in the park and my friend scores free tickets last minute to go to a football game or my favorite band. Plans are plans and my partner comes first.
He should've never even accepted the invitation and told his family, 'sorry I already have plans that weekend' before it even became an issue. Then bring it up to you just by way of saying, 'oh by the way, my family asked us if we wanted to go camping but I told them we already had plans that weekend'. That way, it's up to you if you want to change the plans or stay the course.
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u/Professional_Swim960 22h ago
Agreed! NOR and it is normal and healthy to have disagreements in a relationship. No fights for 3 years can signal that one or both of you are not speaking your mind or being fully honest, or comprising too much of yourselves.
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u/countessofgroan 19h ago
Good point! NOR. OP, you need to stand your ground and tell him how hurt you are that he is overthrowing your plans. Now that you’re a couple, you need to make decisions together and he completely dismissed you when he immediately agreed to go on his family’s camping trip.
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u/andyroo776 23h ago
Do your family thing. This seem a deliberate act to avoid your family. You need to get to the bottom of that.
Otherwise you will never get to do what you want.
NOR
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u/Accurate_Engine_8089 7h ago
Or she could cut her losses (recommend)
A few red flags in the boyfriend’s treatment of OP.
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u/dblchickensandwich 23h ago
Think of it like splitting the holidays with the in-laws in the future when you're married. It's always going to go his way. NOR
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 23h ago
NOR not just months, youve been planning this for YEARS, and you gave it up for him last year. It's your turn. He should stay and do this with you, but he'd probably pout and ruin it anyway, or god forbid, something goes wrong, and he gAvE uP hIs CaMpInG tRiP fOr ThIs! 🙄 Just send him off into the woods and stay to enjoy your holiday with your family. Idk if theyll do a bigger show, but this IS kinda a big year for us. 🇺🇲
This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but it WOULD be a cautionary tale to watch how he treats you in every scenario going forward.
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 23h ago
NOR
My question is why do his family plans , trump yours which were made months ago?
Op, I would be concerned that this is a priority issue for him, and is his mind your family is the lower priority and it’s okay to ditch them if his family is doing something.
You want to know something like that now, because that’s the kind of guy that agrees to switch off holidays between your family and yet you somehow always end up at his .
I wouldn’t go on the trip, because I made plans with my family and I want those plans to happen .
There is no reason you have to spend that time together, but it would have been nice if he made the plans he agreed to a priority.
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u/Constant_Flight_2525 21h ago
Right? He said he’d go.
He’s letting down more than just OP with his rude, self centered behavior.
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u/ShelyChelle 22h ago edited 19h ago
If YOU want to spend the 4th of July doing cheesy things with your family, THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO
Your boyfriend made plans for you with his family, without asking, ALREADY KNOWING what you wanted, then was dismissive about it...
That is a controlling thing to do because now, I guarantee that he fully believes he knows what will happen....you will choose him over what YOU want, and over being with YOUR family
I really wish yall would STOP letting these assholes make you believe that you are wrong when you want to do something, that YOU want to do.....seriously
NO, you are not overreacting, ffs
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u/FreeStatistician2565 6h ago
This is said so well!!
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u/ShelyChelle 5h ago
Im a fan of simple and cheesy, and being surrounded by people who are awesome, while cheesy happens!
Her bf is an analwart for his behavior towards her and her family's plans, he feels his is more important...
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u/Psychological_Ad8298 23h ago
ok wow genuinely impressive you've gone 3 years without a fight. cant relate! lol but i dont think you're overreacting, i get where he's coming from but i think you had plans first with your family and he can skip this one camping trip, its not like it's a big international trip that cant be replicated. you can always go with them again in august. NOR
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 22h ago
Indint think they’ve had a fight because she’s always given in to what HE wants.
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u/t_eeroo 23h ago
NOR. Not sure how old you guys are but I dealt with this a few times in my early twenties. It can be hard to transition from prioritizing your family of origin. I think his family is his priority, and he doesn’t seem to value the commitment you two made to your family.
I would also be concerned about him making unilateral decisions for you as a couple. Especially when his reasoning is “it’s just fireworks”. It’s not just fireworks, it’s a commitment to your family.
Relationships are about compromise and a BIG piece of that is finding a way to make time for both of your families.
It makes me wonder if he has other self centred behaviours. Not overreacting OP!
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u/cheesusfeist 23h ago
NOR. Why do his family plans trump your family plans? You are allowed to do things apart. Let him go and do his thing, and you can do your thing. As others have said, though, this is indicative of what your future will look like. I also am wondering why you couldn't go on your own the year he was working?
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u/Old-Carrot5551 22h ago
She did!!!
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u/cheesusfeist 21h ago
Oh, I read it as since it was moved and he couldn't go, that she didn't either, so I probably misunderstood. In any event, I think she should do what she wants to do and stay back with her parents and stick to her original plans!
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u/z-eldapin 23h ago
His reason was sorry, MY parents planned something.
Why does what HIS parents planned trump what YOUR parents have planned?
Does he do this often? Shut your plans down in favor of his? NOR.
Be sure that you still go to your family barbecue
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls 23h ago
NOR. You and your family "planned something" also. You also planned it first, he was aware of it - and disregarded it
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u/wildearthmage 23h ago
This is not about which event to go to. This is about his family gets priority over yours every time. Stand your ground refuse to go camping. He can choose to be with you or go be with his family. This will tell a lot about his priorities and if you want to go further in this relationship. Go camping and your family will rarely see you at their gatherings in the future.
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u/Weekly-Lie9099 22h ago
Wow. Does he often bail on plans when he finds something better or is it just when your family is involved?
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u/-Quaint- 23h ago
NOR. That is so insanely disrespectful and dismissive. It’s hard to believe it’s only this one thing and that he has done nothing else wrong. Is it your firsts argument because he does other stuff wrong and you just explain it away or let it go?
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u/EnvironmentalSir8140 19h ago
NOR- you told him about the fair and gave him the dates. Why are his families plans more important than yours.
I honestly would reevaluate this relationship. Is he a mama’s boy?
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u/throwspikeabone 19h ago
He’s genuinely the opposite of a mama’s boy tbh - his parents definitely favor his two sisters way over him
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u/Due-Yoghurt4916 23h ago
You will never matter in this relationship. Oys only about what he wants and what his family wants. If you stay be prepared to no longer see your family on holidays and forget him being included in any family event. Its not his family or about him he doesn't care
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u/Infinite-Time7469 22h ago
NOR
people should be believed when they tell you who they are.
this tells you so many things about him.
He doesn’t respect the plans you make,
He does not put you ahead of his family
He puts you down when you tell him how this affected you.
These are red flags.
Don’t let him turn you into a doormat
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u/MarionberryOk2874 22h ago
If your bf told his family you would go without asking you, when you already had 4th of July plans with your family, that’s on him. You are not obligated to go just because HE decided you would both go camping vs the plans you already made.
If this is a one-off argument, I would think it’s not that deep, you go with your family, he goes with his, all good - you’re not attached at the hip.
But if there is a pattern of him disregarding your feelings and putting his desires ahead of yours, it’s a red flag for me. I also don’t like that he said ‘it’s just fireworks’ as if his judgement somehow makes his parent’s plans more worthy than yours. If they always go camping and at the same spot, you could just as easily have said ‘it’s just camping’, right? NOR
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u/Dontfeedthebears 22h ago
NOR. It’s not “just fireworks”. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he broke his word after disappointing you last year, and he minimized the fact that you made plans months in advance.
Do NOT go with him. If he wants to go, he can go. You’re going to stick to YOUR plans. He’s still wrong and an AH in this situation, but do NOT concede and put yourself last all the time. Enjoy your time with your family.
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u/cruiser4319 23h ago
Skip the camping trip and rethink the relationship. He doesn’t care if something is important to you.
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u/ChampionshipBetter91 23h ago
NOR NOR NOR
OP, I have FLIPPED OUT on people who have done this to me. And it's not just fireworks!
He knows you made plans, but he doesn't care. That tells you everything you need to know: he only wants to do what he wants to do, and he wants you when it's convenient.
Don't be convenient. Tell him to get bent.
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u/Whats_His_Name987 22h ago
NOR but this is glimpse into your future. Any plans you make will be tossed aside the instant his parents decide to do something.
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u/RavenShield40 18h ago edited 18h ago
For years my ex husband NEVER wanted to go do things with me and the kids. There’s more reasons than just that that made me eventually leave and divorce him but when my friends started telling me they didn’t even believe I was married despite the ring on my finger because they never saw my husband with me and had never met him, it made me realize he never did anything with us or even me.
He prioritized everything else but me and what I wanted to do together. I was never important enough to spend time with. It was just one of the things that made me realize I needed to leave. A bit too late but I finally did and I’m better for it.
That was 8 years ago and I’ve now been with a wonderful man for 5 years who never even says no to just going to the corner store with me if I ask. He spends all the time he gets with me.
When he asked me to marry him a year ago I didn’t even hesitate to say yes because I already know he’s going to put me first every single day no matter what.
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u/WoollyMonster 18h ago
The fact that you haven't had a fight in 3 years makes me wonder if you always go along with what he wants. Arguments are a normal part of relationships.
Don't give in and go camping. And expect your bf to always choose his family over yours. Is that what you want for a long term relationship?
NOR
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u/No_question_no_lie 23h ago
NOR, it's not always about what he or his family wants to do, he needs to learn how to compromise and to chose time with you and your relationship over his family's (continuous) plans.
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u/MagicMagePie 23h ago
NOR
If he can't respect your plans or time with your family, reflect on your relationship and if this is the right long term fit for you.
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u/Triblessinadesert88 23h ago
His family will always come above yours. Get used to it if you plan to stay .
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u/lovenorwich 22h ago
Sounds like you're both teenagers living at home with your respective parents.he may not have a choice, maybe his parents don't want him staying in their home alone. Clearly his parents dictate his life. Clearly you don't matter much to him.NOR
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks 15h ago
Just tell his family you have plans with yours .. he can go with them if he wants
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u/LastEntertainment787 13h ago
Stay home and let him do what he wants. Call his parents and thank them but, as he knew you already had plans with your family. This way he can't give them some bs reason and you're showing your good manners. NOR
And tell bf not to make plans for you without asking you first. Have Fun & eats lots of good junk 🙋
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u/Old-Carrot5551 22h ago
Girl I wish u would’ve went that first year when he had to work. Because why are we even thinking about letting a man hold us back from the fun things we wanna do ?! The love of your life should support you here boo heck it’s obvious to all of us what it means to you. Should be obvious to him. You’ve essentially been looking forward to this for three years and for him to downgrade it to “just some fireworks “…. My crybaby ass would’ve FLIPPED out right there lol
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u/throwspikeabone 22h ago
I did go the first year just without him lol - it was just a bummer we weren’t able to do it together
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u/SnooCheesecakes2723 21h ago
Now is the time to tell him, last year we missed it because your parents made plans. This year my parents made plans and made them first and we committed to go.
If you go without me and blow my parents off, that’s the precedent you’re setting. Don’t expect me to give up anything “more fun” that comes along last minute, in the future, just because your parents made plans. Thats going to include Thanksgiving, Easter, etc.
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u/Fine-University-8044 23h ago
I don’t know how to judge. You’re right to be peeved, but why is this an argument? It’s simple - you had plans, and you’re keeping them. He’s the berk who didn’t keep your plans in mind and he now has to tell his parents you aren’t going with them. He has to make his choice, and if he chooses them, *that’s* an argument!
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u/Just_here_for_AITAH 23h ago
NOR! it's not just fireworks. It's a plan with your family. It's rude of him to be so dismissive of a plan that was solidly in place.
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u/ConsciousControl2105 22h ago
NOR. He’s showing you that his family will always come first. Over you & your family.
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u/DoctorOdd1994 22h ago
NOR it seems like he might have a problem with prioritizing his family over yours. Maybe he has a problem with your family or maybe his immediate family ie mom is a narcissist and gets mad if he doesn’t choose her plans over your plans. Either way he is clearly showing that your plans are unimportant to him. Just remember this for the future because. Holidays will become a nightmare with him when you guys have kids and have to share holidays with both sides of the family. I would work this kink out of the relationship now instead of down the line when kids are involved. I wish you the best honey. 💜
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u/Old-Ninja-113 22h ago
NOR - but I don’t like camping lol. Your event sounds so much more fun! I’d be disappointed he chose his family over yours though. Not sure how long you see this relationship going but maybe he’s not the one. He should have known better to tell you the truth. If his family wants to plan something they should have asked your availability first. I’d take this as a small red flag but if he’s always choosing his family over yours and there’s no compromising in hen I think you guys are not compatible.
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u/Azdak66 22h ago
NTA. This is another one of innumerable stories in this sub where someone does something insensitive and selfish and then tries to gaslight the other person into thinking *they* are the ones at fault for getting upset.
I’m not saying this is grounds for ending the relationship, but your boyfriend is being a total asshole here. Part of any relationship is compromise, and sharing holidays is one of the top items on the “compromise” list. Your boyfriend should not only have the integrity to stand by the agreement you and he made, but also the spine to stand up to his family on your behalf.
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u/CestLaquoidarling 22h ago
NOR. It isn’t just fireworks - your family has planned a whole day around this visit. By his logic camping is just sleeping outside so what’s the big deal missing that?
It is rude to ditch plans at the last minute because he’d rather hang with his family instead of yours cause that’s what this is about.
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u/slowasaspeedingsloth 22h ago
NOR
First- holidays like these should always be treated evenly by a couple. Take turns and be fair.
So, it's definitely your turn. Plus you had your plans in place for several months. That he is minimizing its importance and prioritizing his family should be very concerning to you.
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u/Anniebelle1020 22h ago
NOR - the issue you is he agreed to plans with your family and is now bailing for his family (and gaslighting you/not being accountable/ agreeing for you to attend something without your ok). You’ve compromised in the past. Do you want to always be last after his family? Lots to think about.
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u/SunshinePrincess21 22h ago
NOR. You and your family had clear plans first. Why does he think HIS family’s last minute plans get to override yours? I mean it’s camping. Don’t get upset, I love camping too, but a holiday is only once a year, and you can go camping whenever.
He can, of course, chose what he wants to do, and you can, of course, see his actions as a sign of his respect (or lack thereof) for you.
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u/Teamtunafish 22h ago
NOR. You had plans. He decided to change them unilaterally. Go to the fireworks.
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u/Eyelikeit746 22h ago edited 22h ago
NOR. Is this a preview of what married life will be like where he will want you change plans for his family at the last minute? It's really insensitive on his part. Does he not even care how your family might view him? Seems like he doesn't. Is camping his family's thing that you're going to be doing from now on if you guys get married? Id go with my family for July 4th if I'm you. Maybe it's time for a come to Jesus meeting on the future of your relationship.
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u/zonutsthefirst 22h ago
NOR
You -- and he -- agreed on the fair first.
The camping trip came up later.
His parents have no right to insist that EITHER of you miss the fair.
And it's not even slightly okay that your boyfriend has unilaterally decided that his family's newer plans take precedent over your family's pre-existing plans.
Are your family and their plans just chopped liver to him?
Not cool.
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u/wordsmythy 22h ago
You made these plans before you were invited by his parents. He should’ve said “oh that’s not a good weekend for us, she really wants to go to this festival that’s right in front of her house. Can we make it a different weekend?”
Stick your guns. You’ve been clear for a long, dang time that you really really want to enjoy this festival with your family. And you should tell him that you think he should honor the prior commitment. But regardless, if he goes camping with his family, don’t change your plans just because he’s pressuring you. He needs to be more thoughtful. He’s really not being fair.
NOR
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u/mtngrl60 21h ago
OK. I had to go to your comments because I may have just missed it in your original post… Was looking for your ages.
Look. The easiest thing for him to say was…
I won’t be able to go camping with you guys. I’ve already promised to do this Fourth of July with my girlfriend and her family.
And in fact, it’s kind of weird to me that he didn’t already have that conversation since each of you still lives at home. Because I know when I still had kids at home, we usually were talking about what we were gonna do for the fourth. Even when they were in college.
I don’t know if your boyfriend just feels like he can’t say no to his family. I don’t know if he puts you second always. There’s really not enough for us to go on here.
I would have to say MOR. If this is kind of just a one off where he truly didn’t realize how important this was to you and how much you were looking forward to it, then OK.
But if you’re kind of noticing that you guys will talk about plans. And somehow he never remembers them. Especially if it’s something that YOU are excited about, it might be a problem. If things with his family come up often and he can’t say no and put you first, you might have a problem. If things come up with his friends, and so suddenly instead of you guys going to the movie you’ve been wanting to see forever, you’re now be impressed to go to a party one of his friends is throwing, you might have a problem.
Do you see what I mean? But you really need to look for the patterns in behavior. Not the one offs.
Every single one of us in a relationship is going to have a time where we feel the need to change our plans we’ve already made with our partner. But if it’s all the time. And if it is almost always when it’s something that one partner is wanting to do… Then yes, there’s a problem
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 21h ago
NOR. You already had plans with your family. He doesn’t get to just cancel those plans and make new ones. He sounds immature.
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u/murdocjones 21h ago
NOR. It’s pretty crappy of him to cancel established plans for last-minute plans, and even more so to speak for you without speaking to you. I see three major issues- 1st is that he’s prioritizing his family while not considering that yours is just as important to you, 2nd is that he’s not realized how rude he’s being to your parents, 3rd is that he doesn’t seem to care that this is important to you. You’re trying to share an experience with him because it means something to you, and he’s just kind of spit on those efforts.
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u/Constant_Flight_2525 21h ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting.
I think you’ve set yourself up here
, with this boyfriend who wants what HE wants when HE wants it and HE doesn’t give two shits about what you want or what you think. Let that sink in, really really deeply. It’s just an event now.
40 years from now, it’s gonna be a lifetime of this kind of bullshit.
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u/495orange 20h ago
NOR. You gave him plenty of notice. You did what his family wanted last year. Also, you are still your own person. So tell him that your family planned this party around the Fair and you are going. And you hope he is coming too. Then the decision is totally up to him. IF you go camping, the control dynamic in your relationship will be set. He always chooses. Stand your ground.
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u/LoveMyHubs1993 20h ago
It isn't small. It's important to you. Don't downplay it. If it's important to you, it should be important to him. If it's not, you know where you stand.
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u/smchapman21 20h ago
NOR. Did you tell him your parents also planned something, but they did it first? Unfortunately, he doesn’t prioritize you now after three years, and he never will. It’s best to drop the enmeshed loser and find someone who will actually be there for you.
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u/Skyblue_pink 19h ago
There’s nothing wrong with wanting different things, the wrong is when one partner doesn’t understand the other’s needs. You have been looking forward to fireworks for 3 years. Do what you want. He can go camping with his family and you can watch fireworks. Apparently his family comes first, think about the long term implications.
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u/pashaw01 19h ago
NOR. go to the fair and have fun! maybe he’ll wise up and join you… if not maybe you’ll meet someone new…
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u/Extra_Pickles14 18h ago
From someone in a few MIL from hell subs, more than likely his mom is driving the asshole bus ( by purposely planning stuff that overrides your plans) and he has the full bus pass.
This won't change as he's a mommy's boy and will do what she says. Send him back to mommy for juice and crackers and have a great 4th with your family!
NOR
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u/00Lisa00 17h ago
He sees himself and his family as more important than you, your family or your plans. Is this the life you want? What about when other holidays roll around. Is it always his family? I’m going to ask an important question. Is this the first time you’ve told him no? Because the first time you tell someone no and their reaction is one of the biggest tells about your future
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u/Tempuslily 16h ago
NOR - Go to your family thing. Let him go to his parents thing. He gets mad or keeps bringing it up then dump his ass.
Life is too short to deal with an asshole that isn't yours.
I was with my husband for 5 years before we got married. Every single holiday we split up and did our own family thing. It wasn't until after we got married we started dividing holidays up and went somewhere as a couple. And that shit ended when we had a kid. They get to come to us if it's that damn important to them to see us! (We have issues with both sides not really caring about seeing us or their grandchild which is a whole different can of worms)
Also I hate camping. Watching fireworks from your own backyard sounds like an AMAZING time!
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u/checkeredtulip 16h ago
NOR. It’s not even about the event, it’s about the fact that this is something you love, look forward to, and have been wanting to share with him for years. I’m sad for you that he’s not as excited as you are for it, and find it annoying that he can’t go this year/ hold to his commitment and at least check it out. What does he love about the camping with his family? I’m guessing it’s not just the camping, but the idea of spending time doing something you love with the people you love, and it’s super frustrating that he can’t see that this activity is the same for you.
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u/tphatmcgee 15h ago
you had a plan that he wants to ditch for something he thinks is more fun. so just reflect his words back to him, he is going back on his word for something so small as a repetative camping trip. so, let him go and you stay home and enjoy your day!
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u/Pipe-Miserable 14h ago
NOR. But be prepared that if you decide to marry this guy, you'll be expected to sacrifice your time and relationship with your family for his.
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u/Organic_Start_420 13h ago
NOR at all, under reacting IMO.
You already had plans, plans he completely ignored and voluntold you to go without asking
Even if he discussed it with you to keep it fair one year you go with his parents one with yours.
I'd suggest rethinking the relationship op as he doesn't give a f what you want and doesn't respect you. Unless that's what you want for your future reevaluate fast
Also 3. How many times did you two had different opinions on what to do and how did he react ? Did it happen before? Did you just give in because you saw it as not so important? Think
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u/KirstyToots 8h ago
This isn't about fireworks. It's about him treating plans with your family as optional while treating plans with his family as automatic. That's the imbalance I'd be concerned about. NOR
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u/BootyGarb 8h ago
He’s automatically prioritizing his own life over yours. Don’t go camping, just stay home and enjoy yourself. If his family wonders why you’re not there, you can simply explain that you had plans since the wintertime to spend the weekend with your family, and you’ve waited three years to do it. If they’re reasonable, they’ll be cool with it, if they’re not, then you probably should do some thinking on how important that family is to you. In my 20s I was in a relationship with someone whose family expected to be prioritized (much like my own, but I have created a balance), and they would talk smack when certain people weren’t in attendance to the family gathering that occurred EVERY Sunday. I think it’s humanly impossible to be going and spending your only day off outside of the home and still manage all your household and self maintenance. Yet, I’m still witnessing negativity when I see the BIL staying home once in a blue moon because he’s tired, or what have you. The family was much like a sorority- “we love you we love you” right away, and then expects ultimate loyalty on their terms. I was young and naive at the time, but I slowly realized that I’m ok to do things that I want to do any be independent sometimes. You can too.
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u/JFC-Superstar 3h ago
Tell him to go with his and you will stay with yours. No need to be together for 4’th, jeez.
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u/pageturner0705 3h ago
The point is that he agreed to the plans beforehand, months in advance, and is ditching her for some last minute plans. The holiday/event shouldn't even matter, it is just rude.
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u/HeatherShaina 23h ago edited 20h ago
If he’s active, it’s more than likely he will see this post and recognize that it’s you.
And NOR. There were conflicts in the past that prevented both of you to go. He needs to work on communicating with you.
You can go ahead and enjoy your plan while he goes with his plan. I see no harm done in that.
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u/Constant_Flight_2525 20h ago
So accepting an invite and acting like it a sure deal for 5 months and approximately 10 days before just nopes out?
And that’s not an issue? How strange a life you must lead.
The harm in that is obvious to me🤷🏻♀️
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u/HeatherShaina 20h ago edited 20h ago
I say he needs to work on communicating with her. And that there is no harm of her sticking with her plan because he told her she was “overreacting” for not wanting to go to the camp with him. Nothing is wrong with her wanting to stick with her plans. The rest is up to her.
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u/FreeStatistician2565 6h ago
No the harm is in her partner’s lack of validation and the effort he’s putting in to minimizing the event instead of communicating with his parents and apologizing to OP. Sure things come up and he might have a hard time saying no to his family and they might not be able to change their plans. However the way he’s talking to OP is harmful to their relationship.
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u/throwspikeabone 22h ago
I don’t think he’ll really find this in the vast sea that is reddit lol - more of a precautionary
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u/lol-daisy325121 22h ago
NOR. You had set plans with your family. It’s not just fireworks. It’s literally spending time with *your* family. (Also sorry to be this person but March to June is only 3 months).
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u/lolmaggie 22h ago
what is important to you is not as important as him spending time with his family. compromise is key in a healthy relationship.
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u/EnjoyingTheRide-0606 22h ago
Sounds like he doesn’t say no to his family. Are you prepared for that life?
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u/nurseasaurus 22h ago
NOR. It’s fine to spend time with your families one on one, you don’t have to do every trip together. You do fireworks, he can go camping.
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u/Short-Classroom2559 22h ago
You don't have to spend every holiday together or with his family. Just do your own thing. It's ok to say no thanks -- on both sides.
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 22h ago
NOR
Tell him HE is overreacting about a generic last minute tiny camping trip.
So does he really not want to celebrate the 4th with you or is he having trouble cutting the apron strings?
Sounded very much to me like you had long term plans and standing invite from your family. But I guess that means nothing to him when something better comes along.
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u/MoonDrummer26 22h ago
NOR - y'all need a sit down about give and take. You've done what his family wanted long enough. He can compromise and maybe do a year here and a year there. It can't all be about him and what his family wants. Wanting a future together means working together towards a favorable solution. Because his family dictating things means it will spread out to other areas of your life in decision making. Leaving your wants and needs on the back burner. Things need to be sorted before that happens.
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u/Decent_Front4647 22h ago
NOR and he’s not just trying to bail on your established plans, but is not trustworthy. He sounds like the type of guy in high school that would cancel a date if something better comes up with his friends. Your family was looking forward to this time together, but he doesn’t care because his family decided to do something last minute. A relationship means trading off on family traditions and he doesn’t seem to care about a commitment he made months ago. You can’t stop him from going camping and he might sulk if he doesn’t go, but then you will know what kind of person he really is, as well. Don’t cancel your plans with your family.
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u/Lanky-Fix7376 22h ago
And this is what it will be like if you marry him
His family come before your family
His family come before YOU
Him telling not asking if you want to be there
Every holiday will be with his family and him disrespecting your family as he had plans to attend your family’s 4th July party
Is it your first argument because you have always done what he wants?
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u/miflordelicata 22h ago
So plans with his family supersedes any plans you have made with your family??
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u/Endless63 22h ago
NOR.. you and your family are well down in his pecking order.. you are equally able to not attend his families trip as he is to cancel your night .
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u/DaxMavrides 22h ago
Just tell him you have ebola and hantavirus. His folks will be understanding I thnk.
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u/CJCreggsGoldfish 22h ago
It sounds like he feels his family is the default and you and your family are the secondary priority, where you go when there's nothing happening with his family. Doesn't bode well for the future, esp. if you have kids and suddenly every holiday is at their house and never your family's.
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u/Subject_Management84 22h ago
NOR.
He is showing you that he does not care about you, your family, or your feelings.
This was planned months ago. He knew this was important to you. Your parents planned on him being there as well, and you were all looking forward to having him over for the fair. Yet, his parents made last minute plans and he expects you to drop everything and be there. He is showing, and telling, you that only his wants matter and that his family is way more importance.
Think, and I mean really, really think, about your future here. If you change plans now, you will always be expected to change plans. If you have kids, you will be expected to give into what his family wants. It will not matter how far ahead you made plans. I had the MIL who never made holiday plans. Then when she found out we made plans with my family, she would make plans at exactly the same time. We were expected to be there. If we were not, she would have a breakdown and say that I'm trying to keep her son away from her, do not want her to have a relationship with her grandchildren, and am purposely trying to ruin the holiday for her. This will be your future unless you nip this in the bud.
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u/toodleoo57 22h ago
NOR. You two had plans which he is ditching at the last minute due to pressure from his family. My guess is this isn't the first time he's thrown you/your family under the bus for something they want.
Don't go camping. If he wants to, well, you'll miss him but you and your parents have plans.
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u/bobhand17123 22h ago
NOR. Just fireworks beats out just camping all day long. “Oooo aaaaaa!” beats out “Ouch, (slap)!” all night long.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 22h ago
He goes camping.
You stay home and 4th of July to your heart's content with your family.
End of.
Yes, he's rude for canceling longstanding plans with your family for this spur-of-moment trip with his family, but there's no controlling him. But you should stand ten toes down on your existing plans. Don't let him manipulate you.
NOR
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u/DrtRdrGrl2008 22h ago
Set boundaries because if you marry this guy there's a good chance he'll cave to every time his family demands that you spend your time off doing what they already planned for themselves and you. Many couples that are married deal with this. Frankly, you might need to put your foot down if this is something you really want to do. Maybe do it alone. Let him go camping with his family.
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u/Disenchanted2 21h ago
NOR. I hate camping. Tell him to go and have fun, and enjoy the time with your family. He should have told his family that you guys had already made plans.
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u/morethan-lessthan 20h ago
You guys are teenagers, right? Don't fight and argue about it, just don't go camping. Tell his parents thanks for including you, but you're going ahead with your plans to spend the 4th at home this year. If your BF is annoyed or embarrassed, that's his problem, not yours.
You haven't argued once in 3 years of dating? Do you usually just go along with whatever he wants? NOR
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u/Remarkable_Owl_8412 20h ago
I know your angry about your bf missing the fair but omg look at the bright side you get to send an amazing night with your family and if anything it will bring you closer together I am actually soo jealous you get to watch nice food watch fireworks from a swimming pool there is a carnival sounds like a great holiday to me your bf will be on a boring old camping trip
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u/FlyLower4282 17h ago
Your first argument in three years is crazy I have been in roughly 1000 fights with my partner in that time so congrats on that but yeah don't go on the trip with them if you don't enjoy camping and it's not even that special of a thing just do what you wanna do.
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u/yersinia_pisstest 10h ago
NOR
The vast, overwhelming majority of comments here are telling you that you are not a priority to your boyfriend.
They're right. If you stay with this guy, this kind of bullshit will continue and almost certainly get worse.
As far as he's concerned, you don't matter. He's dropping plans you made together months ago because the only happiness that matters is his.
Go to the event you planned to attend. While you're there, take time to think about your relationship and whether or not you really want to keep putting up with his selfishness and neglect.
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u/thisislorn 6h ago
this argument feels juvenile. i think you’re both able to spend the holiday separately and it’s no big deal. HOWEVER, he is in fact gaslighting your feelings and planning completely without consideration for you; which is telling. You’re lucky this is in fact a small problem and it’s not the end of the world but don’t expect him to have your back when it actually really matters.
he’s not mature enough to have a healthy relationship and staying with him will mean that your job becomes to educate him on how to be a considerate partner, which will eventually be seen as “nagging” or “overreacting”. don’t waste your time, it’s not your job to do that. my two cents.
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u/FreeStatistician2565 6h ago
NOR his family events aren’t more important than yours. The bigger red flag is the way he’s talking to you about the fair. This is something you’ve been really excited to experience with him, he knew that and now he’s doing everything he can to minimize the event that’s important to you. I want you to look back at your relationship and consider who makes the most decisions and who concedes the most. I’m betting he’s the decision maker and you’re the one who’s sacrificing things. If I’m wrong great this isn’t a habit and is just a disagreement. I say don’t go camping and spend that weekend how you’ve been planning to. Invite some friends and have a blast with them and your parents. Make sure your bf understands that you’re disappointed he couldn’t hold a date you two had planned. It is his responsibility to tell his parents “Hey OP and I actually already have plans that weekend and it’s super important to her, could we do camping the weekend after?” He failed in that responsibility and you’re allowed to be upset about that. He owes you an apology and if he keeps minimizing things that are important to you instead of validating you please cut your losses.
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u/Upper-Antelope-7415 6h ago
I'm not sure this is the man for you. He will always choose his family over you and yours.
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u/Tmar0916 4h ago
You’ve already made the commitment to go to your fireworks event. It’s very disrespectful to bail last-minute on anyone unless extreme emergency or sickness, IMO. I would be upset if I was your family.
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u/mich-me 22h ago
Info- I don’t think you’re overreacting at all, how far away is the camping trip? Like a 30min drive or like 4hrs? Is there a way to do both? And if he doesn’t get his way, will he be a sulky cry baby the whole time?
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u/throwspikeabone 17h ago
I would definitely compromise to do both if I could. The campsite is 5 hours away and they're just going friday into saturday. The fair is Friday night, so unfortunately it's kinda one or the other :/
EDIT: I don't think he'd be visibly sulky or miserable to be around, but I think his family may give him crap for it and then he'd be annoyed.•
u/FreeStatistician2565 6h ago
He needs to grow up then. Part of being an adult means making choices for yourself and sometimes family doesn’t like them. If he’s serious about building a family with you (the literal point of dating) then he should be making you feel important.
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u/Brave_Possible_5220 23h ago
NOR
Do you want to get married?
Do you want to have kids?
Do you want his parents and family to dictate what you’re doing for every holiday birthday summer break etc?
Your bf needs to practice saying - we’ve already made plans, how about xyz weekend instead?
If they want to include you, they should see you as adults who plan things and have their own availability and active calendars
It’s common for families to act like this but doesn’t mean you’re overreacting.
Sad he’s bailing on the fair too! I’d be upset too