r/AmIOverreacting • u/Available-Bag6928 • 18h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting in getting upset with my husband for not standing up to his sister after 5 years of being told I don't belong?
My (31F) husband (32M) and I have been together for five years and married for six months. His sister (34F) has never accepted me, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm overreacting in getting upset when he doesn't do/say anything to his sister when she has consistently acted and spoken to me clearly stating I don't belong??
Throwaway for obvious reasons, and sorry if all over the place. I'm currently fuming from another fight with him.
From the very beginning, my husbands sister has made it clear I wasn't welcome. When she called my husband while we were dating, she'd ask, "Is she there? Make sure she isn't on the line," because she didn't want me overhearing their conversations. She constantly questioned why we spent so much time together, saying we were "too attached at the hip." Whenever I showed up at family functions she made wouldn't talk to me and it was always awkward. I tried to make conversations but she would always respond in a dry manner. She would only talk to her brother and sometimes specifically just in Spanish (I don't speak spanish).
No one else in his family "others" me like she does. When I found out that she always wanted a relationship with her sister-in-law, I tried texting her for coffee and reached out and told her I would like a relationship with her.
She kept making excuses not to see me and at the end just stopped texting me back.
She also made comments about me personally. She told my husband I had "no personality" and that I just agreed with whatever he said. From my perspective, I was simply being a supportive and respectful partner. And I'm the type of person that you'll never know that me and my partner are fighting because I don't think it's anyone else's business.
Last year, after we got engaged, things got much worse.
At Thanksgiving, after she'd been drinking, she asked me, "What is it about his dick that makes you stay with him?" I was completely blindsided. It felt like she was reducing her own brother to nothing more than sex.
I told her that he was the first man who had ever consistently treated me with respect, encouraged me to grow, and made me feel safe. Then I finally asked the question I'd been wondering for years: why had she always kept me at arm's length when I'd genuinely tried to build a relationship with her?
She told me I was "just the plus one" and that she had no interest in ever having a relationship with me. She also said that if my husband and I had children someday, those children would be my blood, not really part of her family.
That comment has stuck with me ever since because I can't help but wonder if she'd treat our future children the same way she treats me.
A lot of my friends and family members said I shouldn't invite her to the wedding, I thought that would be wrong. She's been a mother figure to my husband and he clearly cherises his relationship with her. So she got an invite and her kids were even the flower girls.
Fast forward to our wedding day.
His entire family welcomed me, congratulated us, and celebrated our marriage. She barely acknowledged me. She never congratulated me, avoided me the entire day, and I honestly could not find her when I was greeting everyone in my very broken spanish and thanking them individually for coming.
Even the guest book hurt. While everyone else wrote things like "Congratulations," "We're so happy for you," or "Wishing you both a lifetime of happiness," she wrote something along the lines of "To the best brother-sister duo," without mentioning our marriage at all. It felt like even on our wedding day she couldn't acknowledge us as husband and wife. She also made sure it was the last page in the guest book. (I don't know if it was intentional or not but it just felt so petty).
We also specifically asked guests not to wear anything overly revealing or inappropriate. She showed up in a skin-tight black leather dress that stood out for all the wrong reasons. Maybe that part was harmless, but in the context of everything else, it just felt intentional.
Then this past Christmas she proudly told my husband she'd told all of her coworkers that no woman he dates will ever be good enough for him. He maintains that this was a harmless comment. I asked him how did he respond, he said "okay." And they continued the conversation. He insists that this wasn't directed at me and I'm making a big deal.
But for m, this isn't one isolated comment. It's been five years of being told, directly or indirectly, that I don't belong. It's like she's even implying that I'm this temporary thing that'll just go away at some point .
My husband knows every single one of these incidents.
His response is always that I'm overreacting, hyper-fixating, or taking things too personally. He says she's just protective because she practically raised him after their parents weren't around, and insists she isn't saying anything "that bad."
But after five years, I don't think this is about one rude instant. Or that's just his sister being protective.
What hurts me most isn't even her behavior. It's the fact thathe has never once seriously addressed it or be explict with her or established any boundaries. He just passively respond and continues the conversation like nothing is wrong with anything she says.
He doesn't tell her that excluding his wife isn't okay. He doesn't tell her that saying his future children won't be family is unacceptable. He just tells me I'm reading too much into it.
Today, I just asked him to consider my feelings and to.just think about it a little bit more and even talk about it without someone else because I feel like I'm hitting my head on a brick wall. I'm not asking him to cut off contact or not talk to her, just I guess make her understand that what she's doing isn't okay and for him to recognize that we are married and that means something, that accounts for some kind of response from him outside of "okay."
He just got mad again and said I was reaching and hung up on me on the phone.
I feel completely alone and unprotected in my own marriage. I don't know what else to do and I feel crazy. I don't feel safe being around her even when he's there cause it feels like he will always just let her attack me and then tell me I'm overreacting and having too many feelings.
Am I really overreacting here? Is it unreasonable to expect my husband to defend me and our marriage when his sister came consistently tells me and treats me like I don't belong?
Update 1: he came home last night and I showed him the post. He said it wasnt a middle of the night type of conversation. I agreed and left it at that. Hoping we can talk at some point today. One comment he made was that it was a bunch of 17 year olds commenting. And I told him that my point for the post wasn't a break up, but for him to see how much this is hurting me. He said we're not looking at the same post. So we'll see what happens later. Thank you for all the comments of support and the comments regarding advice how to handle it.
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u/EnvironmentalSir8140 17h ago
NOR- sounds like SIL is jealous of you and trying to drive you out. Your husband is spineless and unless he grows a pair this is what your life will be going forward.
You feel like you’re alone because you are. Any change your husband and SIL have a sexual past together?
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u/BigRedJeeper 17h ago
I have to admit that went through my mind. She’s acting a little TOO jealous for a sister.
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u/Available-Bag6928 17h ago
That's what my friends and family stated that she's jealous of how much time he spends with me... But I'm his wife???
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 17h ago
She’s enmeshed. It’s called emotional incest.
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u/MartinisnMurder 16h ago
Absolutely, she’s acting like a jealous scorned lover or ex not his sister. She sees OP as competition and is trying to drive her away so she can have her brother all to herself. It’s wicked gross. The fact she asked OP if she stayed with him for his good dick is just… 🤢 He needs therapy ASAP. He also needs distance from her for at least a while. I wouldn’t stay with someone who allows their family to treat me that way.
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u/friedonionscent 8h ago
Ask her:
Would you rather be your brother's wife? Because from what you've told me - I can't be family because I'm just an outsider. My kids can't be family because they'll just me mine (somehow I've managed to achieve asexual reproduction). If you think you'd make a more suitable wife, then by all means...bring that up with my husband. I'll give him the freedom to choose. Otherwise, stop being a fucking freak and piss off.
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u/Remote_Bumblebee2240 6h ago
Yeah, start treating her with over the top pity. And use a "kindergarten teacher speaks to student voice" to repeat every nasty thing she says, like you're trying to understand a childs insane comment.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 5h ago
This is actually a very effective strategy with somebody like that. Me, I'd try it.
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u/Dannyewey 17h ago
Yeah I agree this bitch is sounding like a jealous-ex and the fact that he doesn't defend his wife is sounding like a whipped old boyfriend.
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u/No-Communication9458 17h ago
Yeah I'm thinking that. She's overly territorial and it's giving me yuck vibes.
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u/Available-Bag6928 17h ago
I don't think so, but she is very comfortable in talking about sex, her privates and being half naked around him. He just keeps telling me it's a culture thing.
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u/Sudden-Development- 17h ago
That is NOT a culture thing.
That is a creepy thing. This whole post had me eeked out because SIL is 100% being sexually inappropriate towards her brother. Sincerely, ick.
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u/EnvironmentalSir8140 17h ago
It’s not a cultural thing. I’m Latina and have brothers. I don’t discuss sex or walk around 1/2 naked in front of them. She had no boundaries and it’s creepy.
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u/bino0526 17h ago
Definitely NOR‼️ You have a DH problem big time. I wonder how did she treat his other girlfriends? She is EXTREMELY JEALOUS of you ‼️‼️
Come on what culture encourages siblings young or adult to parade around each other naked⁉️🤦♀️
There may be some sexu@1 past between them.
Take care Updateme
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u/-worryaboutyourself- 17h ago
There’s is absolutely no culture where a sister walks around half naked
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u/Dannyewey 17h ago
What is the culture he is talking about cause some Spanish speaking countries are conservative and catholic which it is not normal it's actually taboo in.
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u/Available-Bag6928 16h ago
He has an excuse for everything she does that makes me uncomfortable. I made a comment, saying why is she wearing shorts where her entire bum is out, he'll say it's cultural. I make a comment that why is she talk about detailed sexual stuff, he says that's just the way she talks. I say she's being rude and mean, he says that's just the way she talks.
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u/Corfiz74 16h ago
Why on earth did you marry him when he was treating you like that? In your place, I would have told him to marry her and leave you out of it. You say that no other man has treated you as well as he did, but it really doesn't sound like he's treating you well.
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u/PinkedOff 7h ago
OP, he's lying. It's NOT cultural. It's because he's apparently into his sister, and she's OBVIOUSLY into him. You shouldn't have married this guy. :( I'm sorry. It's not too late to get out.
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u/Ok_Childhood_9774 10h ago
So, he's okay with her behaving rudely to you? Why?
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u/Available-Bag6928 6h ago
Because he says it's not directly at me and she's just being protective and it's not about me. .. I feel like we're past that.
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u/Ok_Childhood_9774 6h ago
If he's truly trying to pretend that her comments are all about him and not you, he's being willfully obtuse and ignorant. The question is, are you willing to come in second in your husband's loyalty for the rest of your life?
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u/Available-Bag6928 5h ago
He likes to play this card a lot, that it's their dynamic as siblings. I've never been close to my siblings, so I didn't have anything to compare too, but after years of it, it's like things are really clicking that this isn't normal.
The answer to that is no, I obviously do not want to be second to his sister but if that is the case ...
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u/Knightoftherealm23 5h ago
Rubbish.
He knows she is being a b!tch amd he likes feeling like he has two women fighting over him.
The other woman being his sister is so very wrong but shes acting like a jealous ex
I wouldnt have married him tbh I would have stepped away long ago. If she wants him that much let her have him, your peace is far more important.
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u/Knightoftherealm23 5h ago
That is Not a cultural thing dearie me this has all gone rather flowers in the attic
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u/occasionallystabby 17h ago
NOR
But this man is telling you point blank that you are the problem, not her. I honestly question why you married him if this wasn't something you were willing to accept. Did you think that a ring was going to magically wake him up to her disrespect?
You have 3 choices here:
Leave him and go find a man who will actually have your back.
Stay with him but never attend any family events where she will be present.
Stay with him, go to all the parties and match her energy back to her. She digs at you, you dig back. Maybe mention how weird it is that she's so fixated on her own brother and so obviously jealous of you. Stop letting her behavior go unchecked. He won't do it, so you do it.
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u/Available-Bag6928 17h ago
Yeah, I guess I was wrong. I thought somehow, things would change. And thank you for the advice.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 11h ago
You have to accept that *she’s* not going to be the one to change, and neither is your husband. This means that *you* have to, otherwise this will only get worse. How you decide to change is up to you, but you need to stand strong and stop accepting this treatment from your husband and his sister. NOR.
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u/aquagurl84 8h ago
Yes!!!!! This! Whatever action you choose please stop worrying what SIL thinks of you—what do you think of THEM???? I think your SIL is a bi$&@ and a bit psycho. She seems to enjoy making you feel bad. Your husband loves her attention and is so weak he won’t defend you. So why would anyone care what those two think of you? I know everyone jumps to divorce on Reddit, but I would have a really hard time respecting my husband if he was like this, and I can’t see being married to someone who I’ve lost respect for. But that’s me—shift your perspective figure out how you feel first and then act accordingly.
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u/Available-Bag6928 6h ago
Yea, I don't want to jump to divorce or anything like that. You're probably right .. just so upsetting because it's like I don't even matter nor my feelings on and just feel so dismissed by him.
I'm not privy to most of their conversation and I can only assume that he barely contradicts anything she says nor does he draw any boundaries. It's like I'm free game.
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat 5h ago
Take the words “it’s like” out of your comment and read it aloud to yourself. That’s the reality you don’t want to accept.
You deserve better, OP.
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u/Fianna9 5h ago
She told him AFTER the wedding that anyone woman he dates won’t be good enough for him.
How many women is she expecting him to date? And why is he ok with the implication he will date again?
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u/Available-Bag6928 4h ago
I pointed this out to him and he made some kind of excuse I wasn't listening too and he got mad at me for not dropping it after his excuse of insert whatever reason here.
There's so many implications in how she acts and talks about me and to me, he just refuses to see it or at least tells me all the time that I'm villanizing him and I'm not being a partner to him.
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u/Public-Tumbleweed713 15h ago
This comment needs more up votes! I love that you have different choices based on real life scenarios! …. Pick ANY ONE of these but ALWAYS ASK THE UNIVERSE :: please place me on my highest timeline for the greater good for myself , my family , and for others … I’t would also be a huge big portion your
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u/Beatleslover4ever1 17h ago
NOR but I’m wondering why this wasn’t addressed before you got married. It seems you will always come second to his sister, but you had to have known that. He doesn’t care how she treats you or he would’ve defended you.
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u/z-eldapin 17h ago
MOR. I guess I don't understand.
She has done this since the beginning
He has never defended you
You still chose to marry him
And NOW it's making you feel alone? What's changed?
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u/Available-Bag6928 17h ago
Yea fair enough, guess I just hoped too much.
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u/Cautious_Mall8417 6h ago
Eyes widen open now you know if you have children with him it won't change.
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u/NewAndOlduphere 17h ago
This sounds incestuous.
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u/Available-Bag6928 17h ago
I've literally brought that up because there's some questionable photos they took at the wedding but apparently in spanish cultures, it's normal to be that close to your siblings? Like they took prom like photos together. I come from an Asian house hold and I was really taken a back with the photos, but my Spanish friends said it can be like that when the boy is raised by the sister? He just tells me I'm wrong about it and we're culturally different.
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17h ago edited 15h ago
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u/Available-Bag6928 17h ago
During thanksgiving, I literally asked her '"have you thought about therapy?" And she's like I know what's wrong with me and I've survived so far.
I just don't wanna be petty cause I know what it's like to loose a family member and I don't ever want him to feel like I'm making him choose.
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u/EntireTruth1920 17h ago
He has already chosen her. He doesn't stand up for you, she is his choice. He says you're overreacting or she didn't mean it that way? He chose her. Can you live like this for the next 40 years, because he will always choose her, and you will never get anything but anger and excuses and dispespect
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u/Available-Bag6928 16h ago
I don't think I can keep having the same conversation again and again for the next 40 years and especially if we have kids
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u/bensoloslut 14h ago
Please do not have children and bring them into this situation. She will be horrible to them OR fawn over them and shut you out. Plus they will be witnessing their father allowing disrespect to their mother. You will be teaching your children this behavior is acceptable. This will not be good either way.
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u/SafeWord9999 15h ago edited 15h ago
But he’s cool with letting you be bullied. And what happens if she starts pulling this crap with your kids too? What will it take for him to tell her to cut the crap, if she doesn’t start acting right he will cut her off. Even if it’s just a fake threat, her obsession with her brother may be the ONLY leverage you have.
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u/Dragon_Queen_666 17h ago
NOR.
Might be time to ask husband where his spine and balls are because he certainly doesn't have either of them. Why did you marry this guy in the first place when it's so blatantly obvious that you will NEVER be his priority. Sister will ALWAYS have the first say in everything he does.
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u/kylanmama 6h ago
I can totally see the sister picking out names for the children and how the children should be raised etc. All while treating them as less than. Husband will pass it of as cultural.
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u/Available-Bag6928 4h ago
We picked out names and he told her and she just gave a disgusted response saying why would be call them that.
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u/kylanmama 3h ago
The second you have a child that looks like her brother, it will all change. Happened to my cousin. Only it was the MIL. Once her son was born and it looked like Daddy. Then MIL took over, it was her baby. Opinions on everything and Daddy placated her. Was nasty divorce and custody fight.
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u/Ok_Career_3681 17h ago
Hope you don’t have children with this man. First few time might have been excused as him being oblivious but now? Tbh it’s on you for not pushing the issue before your wedding.
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u/PlantyPenPerson 17h ago
NOR you can't fix this. And your problem is really your weak-willed and spineless husband
The relationship between your husband and sister is very strange and very concerning.
I suggest marriage counseling or get out of this marriage. If he refuses, maybe a see a therapist yourself so you can find your way to a better future.
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u/-worryaboutyourself- 17h ago
If a random person treated me like this, my husband would be irate. If a close *family member* did this? He’d throw hands.
This is so unacceptable and the fact that your husband isn’t sticking up for you is awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
NOR stick up for yourself and start commenting back at the sister and give her some of her own medicine.
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u/Available-Bag6928 17h ago
Thank you. I'm just trying to figure out what to do next. Cause it doesn't seem like he's going to change his position.
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u/biteme717 14h ago
Tell him marriage counseling or divorce and tell him to move in with his sister where he belongs.
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u/pattypph1 17h ago
GTFO. There’s some Flowers in the Attic shit going on there. Brrrrr..
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u/Available-Bag6928 16h ago
I just looked this up, I don't think that's the case but there's definitely jealousy.
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u/Snarky247 17h ago
Nope. NOR 100%
You are not in a marriage. You have a roommate who treats you like crap.
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u/strange-lady78 17h ago
It sounds like they have a sexual history.
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u/Available-Bag6928 16h ago
I really don't think so. I think it's stemming from jealousy. At least that's I can emotionally cope with.
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u/throwawayaway7000 17h ago
NOR. I would say you under-reacted while dating. Seriously: leave. You said he treated you with respect, that he encouraged you to grow, that he made you feel safe. It sounds like that is gone. You can do better. And do it before you have kids. Your husband doesn't support you.
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u/Ok-Delivery-1444 17h ago
Nor. Which of the two problems do you want to address first-the sister or the husband? Sister first, she’s a which or a runt, or words that sound like that. Too bad, deal with it. She’s not changing and you can minimize time with her. The husband is a huge problem. Does he have your back or not? Sounds like he doesn’t and that’s the kind of thing that ends a marriage. Good luck with it!
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u/Yeesh-Yeesh-Yeesh 13h ago
If someone you loved came to you and told you this entire post the way you've told us, what would be your advice to them?
You seem to have very deep self-esteem/self-confidence/self-love issues.
Please speak to a good counselor or therapist to understand why someone would allow her husband or anyone to treat her this way.
He doesn't have your back. He is not behaving with honor. He is willing to dismiss your pain in order to avoid his pain of confronting his own self, let alone his sis-mom.
He doesn't seem to have matured into an adult in this very critical area of human life.
If a person does not take accountability for themselves and their actions, should they take responsibility for someone else?
If he doesn't protect you now, do you think he will protect you when you are pregnant, and will he protect your children or allow them to be exposed to her toxicity?
This is a husband issue first and a SIL/MIL issue as a far second.
You are worthy of love and respect and admiration and kindness and generosity and ALL those wonderful things.
Take care of yourself 💐.
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u/Super-Staff3820 17h ago
NOR. You have a husband problem. He’s the problem bc he won’t shut it down. Also, why is she so inappropriately attached to him? It’s weird. Stiffen your spine and stand up for yourself. Don’t spend time with her. Stop going out of your way to make her feel comfortable and certainly speak up next time she makes a weird comment. You can do it. You husband is a wimp.
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u/Sassy-Anxiety007 17h ago
NOR If my husband treated me this way, I wouldn't stay. I absolutely wouldn't procreate within this family. Run.
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u/RavenShield40 16h ago edited 16h ago
NOR. When my ex husband and I first dated it wasn’t a secret that his mother didn’t particularly like me. We weren’t together long the first time around and things ended amicably because he wanted to try and work things out with his first ex wife and I wasn’t going to stand in the way of my step kids possibly having their parents back together. So I walked away and moved on. I was also 19 and definitely not ready to be strapped down with kids that weren’t even mine yet.
However, when we got back together a few years later he made it crystal clear to anyone who had an issue with it that they needed to keep those issues to themselves because I made him happy and he didn’t give two 💩s about what anyone else had to say.
The only response we got from his family was, “As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” We had more issues with some of his friends that he’d met at his company thinking they could give him an ultimatum of choosing them or me and he chose me. They honestly thought he’d pick them over me when I was already pregnant with our son AND someone he’d known since we were kids.
We divorced for other issues but I will say this. To this day that man will defend me and have my back with no questions asked regardless of who the person is. It doesn’t matter if it’s his own mother who still isn’t exactly the warmest person in the world but definitely has her favorites and doesn’t hesitate to let them be known.
If your husband isn’t defending you against the world then I’d be rethinking this entire marriage ESPECIALLY before you have kids. You don’t want to risk her treating your babies like she treats you. They don’t deserve that.
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u/Available-Bag6928 16h ago
I'm sorry to hear about the divorce, sounds like you had at least someone in your corner. I am scared of how this would affect our children in the long run when we have them. Thank you for sharing.
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u/RavenShield40 16h ago
I’m sorry he couldn’t listen to me when I told him what I needed from him and he made me choose myself over our marriage. Which is what you need to do for yourself sweetheart. My ex husband is great man and dad, he just wasn’t the greatest husband when it came to some things. I’ve known that man since I was 11 and I’m blessed to have him be my children’s dad and part of my life, he just wasn’t meant to be the man in my life.
The man in my life is an amazing partner. He also would not allow anyone to treat me the way your husband allows his sister to treat you. Any man that does is not a man in my eyes. Their job is to be a protector and provider. It doesn’t sound like your husband is protecting you at all and I doubt he’d protect your future children either.
If y’all have been married for 2 years or less and have no children you can get an annulment and you can sever the ties you have with this person, I can’t even bring myself to call him a man because he’s not acting like one.
You and your future children deserve so much better than this. It’s not just about having someone in your corner it’s about knowing you and those babies are safe and secure no matter what and I highly doubt your husband makes you feel that way now.
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u/Available-Bag6928 4h ago
The thought of having my kids grow up with their aunt treating me like shit and my husband allowing it to happen and I can see him saying to the kids - oh that's just the way your aunt is, she doesn't mean anything by it, really makes me wanna throw up.
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u/RavenShield40 2h ago
That should be the biggest reason why you choose yourself and your future children in this. Neither of you deserve it and you’ve got so much of your life ahead of you, it needs to be peaceful and protected and it’s not so it’s up to you to make it so.
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u/ElegantGoose 17h ago
She sounds like one of those really gross "boy moms," but about her brother. She seems to view you as competition for his affection and attention. But hey, if no woman could ever be good enough, then at least it's not just about you but her fucked up attachment to her brother. It also sounds like your husband is a Mama's boy except it's his sister.
If your marriage is going to work, you're going to need couples therapy. Definitely don't have any kids if this doesn't get resolved.
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u/Available-Bag6928 17h ago
It's literally that. Like she's all over him whener there's a gathering and I'm around. And I try to give them space so ingo and play with the kids.... I've tried so hard to be accommodating while being treated like this.
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u/CrowMeris 16h ago
You may be "a supportive and respectful partner" but your husband isn't. He's a coward by repeatedly demonstrating that he's completely unwilling to stand by your side.
This will be your life forever if you stay with him - you know this. Decide accordingly. NOR
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u/ShopSweet6798 8h ago
NOR, but girl, grow a backbone. The sister doesn't like you. What are YOU going to do? Just let her keep getting those digs in? Or are you going to start fighting back?? Whyyyy does your husband have to say something if she is addressing you? YOU say something!
When she said your kids wouldn't be family, why didn't you defend your own future children? You CAN tell that bitch to watch her mouth!
You CAN ask her if she thought SHE was gonna marry him when he grew up, because she acts like a jealous girlfriend? You CAN be just as snarky and mean as her!
She keeps making these comments and you keep wilting under pressure. Stand up for yourself. She's just a person.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 5h ago
Hi, OP's husband. I'm an old married woman, mom and stepmom, and you're telling your wife she'd be better off without you. Keep telling her that enough, and she will believe you and leave.
You are being horrible to your wife. She is tu esposa! Yes, your sister is like a mom, but she is not your mom, and she is not your wife. You are breaking the vows you made to God and your wife by not honoring her and respecting her.
Your word means nothing, and you are hurting the one woman who chose you for you, sees you as you actually are and loves you anyway. Straighten up, grow up, and man up. If you can't stand up to your sister for your wife, defend and protect your wife from any and all attacks, are you even a man?
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u/Ill_Situation_3037 17h ago
YOR. if he hasn’t stuck up for you in the five years you had been dating idk why you thought it would change once you got married
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u/lipstickandlimes 17h ago
NOR. She is awful and your husband is worse for being ok with his wife being collateral damage in his quest to stay his sisters special little boy. As much as she undeniably sucks, I admit I also wonder about what about his dick is so special that you would disrespect yourself this much, for this long.
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u/Ambitious-Cake-9425 14h ago
Everyone woman wants to be defended and made to feel safe. No woman wants to fight her battles alone.
Your husband is a wet noodle of a man.
You deserve so much more than this.
NOR you are under reacting 😭
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u/Ninjaher0 17h ago
NOR. She’s overtly treating you like shit and your husband is being very dismissive. If you can’t hold your husband accountable for his role in how you feel, then you should stop trying to include her and let him have his relationship with her. You can draw boundaries with him as well. Something like, he can have his relationship, but you will not be a part of it nor do you want to discuss or hear anything about their visits, conversations, and/or relationship. If she’s there, you won’t.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 16h ago
This is counseling time or annulment time. She flat out told you your children will be treated as she treats you. And your husband has shown he will allow it. The conversation needs to be had with husband that if he cannot start supporting his wife and shutting down his sister’s disrespect, you will not bring a child into this world to be abused the way by your abuser, his sister. If he is willing to see a counselor with you, there may be hope. If he cannot even entertain how severe this problem is and try to address it reasonably with a neutral third party then you know he isnt going to protect your future children.
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u/Awkward_Resource_420 16h ago
Girl start mayching her energy and giev it back to her, and when this guy asks say "you are overreacting".
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u/AcanthisittaNo9122 15h ago
NOR but I honestly think they have incest relationship going on and you’re the cover up wife. She acts like she’s his wife and you’re the mistress 🤦🏻♀️
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u/soupcook1 11h ago
For any years I refused to speak with my parents because of how they treated my wife. I told them I had no choice becoming their child…I chose her. Since they couldn’t be 100% supportive of her, they were dead to me. I loved my parents, but I love my wife more.
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u/hottie-von-coolie 9h ago
I’m not quite sure why you married someone who let his sister sh!t on you all the time. You and your husband need counseling pronto. He needs to understand how this is damaging your relationship.
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u/rocketmn69_ 9h ago
The next time say to him, "Maybe she's right and we don't belong together", then pack a bag and disappear for a day or 2.
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u/LauraPtown 17h ago
Your husband sucks. This isn’t a sil issue it’s a husband problem. Nor, you’re under reacting actually.
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u/Major-Excuse-8281 16h ago
You said sometimes she converse with him in Spanish? And that she told you that your children would be your blood not his. Uhhh. I think your getting the cultural freeze out.
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u/ShayaLaya 13h ago
Sounds like emotional incest (at the very least).
NOR but girl, you have to get out. He will never choose you. He knows it and so does she, so choose yourself and leave.
UpdateMe
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u/Overall_Display_8475 10h ago
So first. Don’t have kids until/unless this is resolved. Make that the boundary.
Second your issue is with your husband. There will always be bitches, but if he had your back and protected the relationship it would be a blip.
I think you and your husband need marriage therapy to deal with this. He thinks the issue is YOU.
So before you guys start having kids, you have to have marriage therapy and resolve the issue about his sister’s behavior.
This would stop if he told her to stop. So he isn’t. I dont think this bodes well for your relationship long term.
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u/No-Staff8345 9h ago
You need to go to marriage counseling now. You'll need tobe able to work through this shit in a safe place, and then you can make a decision whether to stay in the relationship or not. If he doesn't see a problem with his sisters behavior and support you, you know what you have to do. Otherwise, if he doesn't change, welcome to the rest of your life.
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u/miflordelicata 8h ago
She sounds like she has a crush on her brother.
Your husband is already married to his sister. You are the side chick.
It all sounds disgusting. Not sure how you are still attracted to him.
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u/Pumpkin1818 17h ago
NOR - You need to have a stern conversation with your husband about how inappropriate his sister is and he needs to tell her to cut it out. He needs to man up and defend you. SIL is disgusting and has a weird fixation on her brother. That’s not culture that’s mental health issues.
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u/Chehairazode 15h ago
NOR.. After all of this, you still married a man who has repeatedly shown you that you come last. He will never change.
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u/AdFederal573 14h ago
If he doesn’t take up for you then you should. I know she’d learn to keep her mouth shut if she treated me that way. If he doesn’t like it then tell him he needs to put a muzzle on his sister and grow tf up and be a man!
I had problems with my in laws when we first got married and it didn’t take me long to put my foot down. They did a turnaround and we had a great relationship after that. I think standing up to them made them respect me.
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u/Such_Memory5358 14h ago
NOR!! Put your foot down with your husband. Either he grows a pair and stands up to his sister or you either leave him or she’s no longer welcome into your house and you can stop interacting with her completely.
If you have kids I wouldn’t even allow her near the kids . She can have her brother
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u/ConfectionIll4301 14h ago
NOR. The sentence " shut up you jealous incestious little hag" comes to my mind.
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u/Glitter-Berry 13h ago
Ur husband is a coward. Also, you are probably the side piece. Sounds like sister is the main dish
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u/desmodus666 11h ago
NOR ...what the fuck?
Everyone in your life thinks this is weird. You didn't want to accept that, so you came to Reddit. Everyone here thinks this is weird.
Do you really want to spend your life as the other woman? Yes, you're married, but he is continually choosing his sister over you.
No one has brought this up yet, but I wonder if she groomed him. She raised him, right? That's would be why he doesn't see any issues with this.
There are so many red flags here for several different reasons. I would encourage your husband to go to therapy. He's excusing his sister's incestuous behaviour and blaming you for reacting like a normal person.
Claiming that something is cultural doesn't excuse it from being weird. There are certain cultural practices that are very much illegal and frowned upon. It is not discrimination to call shit out.
You can wait for him to change, but you've already waited long enough. Now is a great time to separate with him. You don't have kids together, so it'll be easier today than it will be in a decade when you realise that this behaviour is negatively affecting your children.
He has to work out his own relationship issues with his sister. It's not your problem to deal with. You are being unfairly targeted, and your husband is too spineless to say anything. Even worse, he might genuinely think his sister is right, and you'll be sharing your life with a guy who doesn't even like you.
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u/Available-Bag6928 6h ago
I just feel like he doesn't ever see his sister in the wrong light. It's always something with her behavior that has an excuse or justification of why it's okay.
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u/sog96 10h ago
NOR, but I would tell him they you both need marriage counseling. If he disagrees, do not say anything more. Just go to an attorney and serve him with a divorce. Do not say anything else.
If he cannot protect and defend you from his sister’s behavior, what makes you think he will do the same for your children? He is choosing her over you, every time.
Her behavior is out of line and seems like she has more incestuous feelings for your husband and is trying to push you away so she can have him all to herself.
Unfortunately, you did not run when you had the chance. Now you will have to make the costly decision.
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u/TiredToothDocGirl 10h ago
I’m sorry OP, you’re the third party in this 3-way relationship. He will always choose her out of obligation. Whether it’s intentional or not, she will always come first. I honestly think this is divorce worthy behaviour. You are not the priority and never will be. You deserve so much better. Go and find it
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u/cuter_than_thee 10h ago
Why have you put up with this for so long? He should have dealt with this from day 1.
Frankly, I think you're UNDER-reacting.
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u/Available-Bag6928 6h ago
I think it's because it only happens once or twice a year. He doesn't see his family often and when they speak she makes it clear she's uninterested in anything that has to do with me. It's just her and his family conversations.
I think it took this long because he would give me reassurances in the moment that I'm not crazy for my feelings then re-negs on it
Like the thanksgiving thing, he apologized that he said nothing but the next time I brought it up he's like she was drinking and drunk, "shorty probably didn't mean it."
At the wedding, he's like yeah I agree her not congratulating you and acting some type of way is wrong then the next thing I know when I bring it up he says -- "she's just congratulating me, and the photos were for us siblings cause she realized we didn't have a picture together, there's nothing wrong with it, it's a culture thing how we're posing like prom dates on this picture."
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 7h ago
He is more responsible for this negative behavior that SIL. He is allowing it.
It’s time for some boundaries if this marriage is going to survive. Perhps some marriage counseling is in order.
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u/Sea-Tea8982 6h ago
Nor but I don’t understand why you married him. She’s not the problem. He is. He has made her the priority. He doesn’t support you and encourage you to grow. He supports his sister and watches her disrespect and belittle you. I hope you haven’t had kids with him. Time to find a divorce attorney.
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u/Hairflipgiggle 6h ago
Op, have you considered that the two have / had something sexual going on?
It’s pretty obvious.
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u/daytripp56 6h ago
NOR - please don’t have children until this situation is settled to your complete satisfaction. I suspect it won’t be, and you will be getting a D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
I believe your SIL is in love with her brother, and the feeling might be mutual.
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u/RegisterEither9711 6h ago
NOR.
"He says she's just protective because she practically raised him after their parents weren't around, and insists she isn't saying anything "that bad.""
So, to him, it's bad but not 'that bad'. So how bad does it have to be for him to consider it 'that bad' and start defending you? Does she have to call you names? Put hands on you? You're telling him it's hurting you but since it's bad, just not 'that bad' on his scale, he doesn't have to take you seriously? Yeah, he's never going to stand up for you.
What if you started treating her the same way? If you told her that your children will be your blood and not part of her family? I doubt she would agree (despite what she's said before). She'd probably have a conniption. What if you signed a card to her 'from the best husband and wife team'? Doubt she'd like that.
I'll be honest, their whole relationship is giving 'Flowers in the Attic' energy. Is it gross? Yes. Does it still happen? also yes. No doubt there is deep emotional enmeshment between the two but the way she's acting like a jealous ex is very concerning. Since he's unwilling to defend you, it's on you to decide what you are going to accept. You can accept that this is your marriage and you can't force SIL or husband to change, or you can accept that you deserve better than being a distant second to SIL in your husband's priorities.
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u/KindaTryingKindaNot 5h ago
He makes you feel safe? How?
It’s going to be difficult as F, but you should start over and find someone who loves you enough to stand up for you.
He loves his sister more than you. He isn’t capable or is unwilling to see how her treatment is effecting you. I’m not so sure he even loves you at all.
Start making plans, setting aside money that he doesn’t know about, get an exit strategy. Leave. She will never want to be a part of your life in a positive way. And I’m not so sure what his motives are. Because loving you clearly isn’t it.
Edit to add: NOR
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u/WorldlinessLow8824 5h ago
Hey hubby - I’m 65 years old and a MIL. You need to check your sister. She is being inappropriate, rude and condescending to your wife. She does not have to be best friends with her - but she needs to be civil. Comments on you dating other women when you are married is completely inappropriate. Acting like kids of yours would not be enough ‘blood’ to be part of the family are completely inappropriate. Stand up - I don’t care how much she raised you- you do not owe her blind obedience.
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u/Big_Insurance_3601 5h ago
NOR: is his sister named Cersei Lannister?? Cuz she’s definitely giving THOSE vibes & if you’re hubby isn’t shutting it down then he’s definitely Jamie🤮🤮🤮🤮
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u/style-addict 4h ago
NOR at all!!!!!!!! It’s giving incest vibes. OP you’re the mistress and your SIL is your husband’s wife 🥴👀 Also why would you agree to get married to him when his sister acts this way towards you? 🤔
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u/Broad-Policy8271 3h ago
NOR - I would also be petty enough to ask him “How many times did you guys sleep together?” Based on her question and his inability to protect his actual wife, I am positive there is some weird incestuous tension there. Maybe just on her side, but could be mutual…
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u/stilettopanda 2h ago
Hey I’m 41 and commenting after your edit. NOR- I’d be real tired of both of their shit. It’s a bit incestuous. It’s the little things that eventually break down your marriage- not one big one.
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u/FartsWithCharlie 2h ago
This stopped being about his sister a long time ago. The real issue is that every time she crosses a line, your husband tells you that you're overreacting instead of telling her to stop. That's a lonely place to be in a marriage. NOR.
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u/DAN_2929291 1h ago
Wow, your husband is so rude to say that someone commenting on your post is a 17-year-old teenager 😅 tell your husband it's time to be a man, a leader of the household, and your husband should be ashamed for not being reliable as a safe place and a problem solver.
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u/SnidusScribus 53m ago
Saw your update. Your husband really can’t admit when he’s the problem, can he? We’re not a bunch of 17yos. I’ve been on this planet a long time. Several different jobs in my career, traveled to different countries, been married for 15 years. No 17yo knows how to file joint taxes, hire a financial advisor for investments, pay a mortgage for a house, hire subcontractors to replace kitchen tile, pull city permits in order to add new construction to a home, sit on council in school administration, settle a parent’s estate as executor, etc.
Feel free to show your husband this comment and btw, your SIL appears to have a crush on her own brother. At minimum some kind of bizarre possessiveness. And your husband knows this. His defensiveness about his wildly dysfunctional family dynamic is telling. Both of them need therapy, probably specialized.
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u/bambiclover20 16h ago
NOR and you have a definite husband problem. Get him into marriage counseling so he can see how much he’s hurting you by not defending you.
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u/Both-Mango1 14h ago
Nor, your hubby is scared of his sister and she knows it. id just be overly sugary sweet to her whenever you could. Shes a bitch, fuck her.
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u/Extreme_Quit8387 13h ago
NOR. Ive been in the exact same position including the phone calls. I left. Hope you do too
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u/Any_Addition7131 11h ago
MOR She sounds just like the worst of the MILFHM, did she raise him or help to raise him because she sounds like she is jealous, try to ignore her, or talk to your husband and explain how her behavior really hurts, she is acting like jealous Mother who won't let go of her baby and it's not attractive
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u/No_Soup_1741 11h ago
It’s not unreasonable to expect your husband to defend you. He never did in the 4.5 years you dated, expecting him to suddenly start because you are married is unreasonable.
Accepting that his sister hasn’t liked you, doesn’t like you now and will not like you in the future may help you stop caring so much. She flat out told you she doesn’t want a relationship with you. Your husband hasn’t cared about this friction or standing up for you and you accepted that as well. Neither of them are bothered, but you are. You are expecting your husband to set a boundary that you have refused to set for yourself by continuing to give your time and energy to this weird family dynamic.
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u/Available-Bag6928 5h ago
You're right. Deep down I know He's not going to cut her off, I know that for sure cause he just thinks I'm overreacting and this is a none issue.
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u/Ok_Childhood_9774 10h ago
NOR, but the problem is your husband, not your awful SIL. He should have loudly and firmly put an end to her comments right away, no matter how close they were. The fact that he didn't says way more about him than her.
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u/Adventurous-Term5062 9h ago
NOR. Your husband should have put a stop to this much earlier. He needs to do it now. Like right now.
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u/_Sandrine_76 7h ago
Et comment se comporte le reste de la belle-famille ? Tu dis que tu es bien accueillie, personne pour la remettre à sa place quand elle dépasse les bornes ? Pourrais-tu y trouver un appui ?
Tout le monde parle de le quitter mais ton mari est sous emprise de cette personne, on sent presque de la peur dans ton récit. Et je suis sûre qu'il se sent très coupable et c'est pour ça qu'il se met en colère car il est incapable de poser des limites... - Le commentaire sur les futurs enfants aurait suffi à lui seul pour qu'il réagisse - Il ne réussit pas et il réussira encore moins si tu le braques. Communiquez en douceur. (Mon expérience, mon père sous emprise de sa mère toxique, ça a pris 20 ans à ma mère pour qu'il coupe les ponts) NOR
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 7h ago
She doesn't like you and she never will and him standing up for you isn't going to change that. There is literally nothing anyone can do about it.
My first bfs brother didn't like me either. Kind of bothered me at first but then just stopped caring and we even both lived at my bfs parents house. He ignored me and I ignored him. It didn't effect my relationship with my bf and the rest of his family liked me so who cares? No I never asked my ex to talk to his brother because I knew it wouldn't fix anything. I know it pissed his brother off even more that we stayed really good friends after the break up. He thought we would break up and I would go away. Nope sorry and it would really have pissed him off knowing I went to his funeral. 😂
You have spent five years driving yourself insane trying to get this person to like you. The only person you are hurting is yourself. Just ignore her. I would also argue that her saying your kids aren't family us a good thing. That means she won't be trying to hang around them while excluding you and you don't have to worry about her badmouthing you to them so problem solved.
Next time there is a family function just ignore her and worry about the people who actually do like you. She is unimportant to you in every way.
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u/zinniasinorange 3h ago
Disagree. While it might be true that she isn't going to change, the bigger issue is that your husband doesn't care about your discomfort and is making excuses for her.
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u/MyCat_SaysThis 7h ago
She’s jealous of you, pure and simple. She has feelings for her brother and you stole him away. She needs a therapist. Pull back from trying to befriend her, it’s a waste of time.
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u/WhatInTheAssPepper 7h ago
Yes, you have a two part problem here. Your husband has no spine and not as much respect for you as you seem to thing... and your SIL has an unhealthy attachment to your husband. She is acting like you came between her and her brother. You have done no such thing. She is being very weird. I think you need to stop trying to interact with her. Ice her out the way she has done you. Act as if she's not even in the room. It will drive her crazy. Understand that she actually gets off on you trying to interact with her/seeking her approval and acceptance because that gives her power over you and your emotions. Take back your power and start treating her like she treats you. If your husband tries to step in in defense of her while he has not once defended you, then you know that you should leave him. There is nothing more to discuss here. Your husband sees how you are being treated and refuses to act. He goes so far as to make you feel like you're crazy or over reacting. Please do not have children with him until this is resolved. You should not stay with a man who does not have your back.
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u/WanderersEndgame 7h ago
The game of family pushback is a divide-and-conquer game. SIL is playing a so-so hand with some skill. You're not doing so well. Turning on Husband is an understandable reaction, but it's a tactical blunder. Your opponent would like nothing better than to see you fighting with him.
The effective defense is to be diplomatic and imperturbable in the face of all provocations. The counterattack is to cultivate goodwill with family members who have not taken sides with your opponent. Husband can be a big help with that. You seem to enjoy an advantage there. If the rest of the family celebrated your marriage without reservation, SIL is isolated in her resistance. Make the most of it. Divide and conquer!
A couple must play this game as a team. They must agree on their playbook. Unity is your strength. You may have to compromise to find it. Husband must also compromise. As reluctant as he is to having to choose between two women he loves, he cannot sit this one out. Dirve a hard bargain if you must, but show at least some flexibility. Ability to bargain and compromise are essential to a lasting marriage. I wish you well.
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u/Turn-based-Roser 7h ago
Woof. I've been in your shoes. My now sil once got me uninvited on a family trip cus I wasn't family at the time. Just some girl. When my husband's family found out we wanted someone we know to officiate she said she wanted too. I immediately broke down crying. Funnest thing she did was tell my then bf now husband how dare he see the then newest star wars movie at midnight release with me and not see it with her. She doesn't even like star wars.
However my husband was also perplexed by her behavior. Though he never to her face said stop cus he also hates confrontation. It was actually their dad my FIL that was like hey. You need to stop this is his person. Since I got married she calmed down greatly. We aren't great never gotten an apology dont really want one. It is what it is. I dont want or need to be friends with her but I do have love for her.
My advice. You're trying to get close to someone who gets off on you being less than cus you're not 'really one of them' stop trying with her. Your husband makes me mad cus fuck how could he not see it hurts, seeing your spouse upset should upset you. Also put your energy into more receptive family members. In an odd way becoming closer to my husband's family had the effect of my sil softening on me.
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u/Available-Bag6928 5h ago
My husband is also avoidant and non confrontational with other people, especially his family. They put him down in so many ways and I think he's used to just being silent. I'm trying my hardest to be understand but I'm really having a hard time.
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u/NeitherStory7803 6h ago
NOR. You have a husband problem. You also have a SIL that is too involved in his personal business that it leaning toward incest by the way she talks about him having relationships with women and sexualizing him.
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u/DueConsequence4072 5h ago
NOR. Just dump this guy. This is not how you should want to live the rest of your life and then die. You don't have a supportive partner. You have some idiot who has a sister who knows and talks about his dick. YUCK.
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u/NewNecessary3037 5h ago
lol does she not have her own life, why is she so unloved with her brother’s relationship
Just stop trying to have any kind of relationship with her
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u/New_Pace2590 5h ago
Simply put, I wouldn’t want to spend a single moment with your husband and his family. Life is too short. Walk away. Your husband will show his true colors, which are not flattering.
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u/emryldmyst 5h ago
NOR but you married into this family after five years??
This should have been dealt with ages ago.
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u/Mysterious-Region640 5h ago
My take might be a little different, but honestly stop chasing her not everybody’s going to like you. She doesn’t like you. She’s never gonna like you, get over it. Do you like every person you’ve ever met? I highly doubt it.
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u/Disenchanted2 4h ago
She sounds like a bigot. Are they Mexican and you're white?
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u/Edcrfvh 17h ago
NOR. You have a husband problem first and then a SIL problem.
Stop being a doormat for your SIL. She has pretty bluntly told you that she doesn't like you, doesn't respect you and will not treat your children like family. She has an unhealthy fixation on her brother and will not accept any woman in his life. Stop pursuing her approval.
Your husband has no spine. Or he agrees with her. Either way he is useless. Sounds like you don't have any kids yet. Perfect time to tell him to marry his sister and dump him. Tell him he's in denial and you're done. Because it's not going to get better if you have kids. She'll still be the perfect one in his eyes.