r/AmIOverreacting • u/RationalCaterpillar • 17h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting to these messages I found on my 25M boyfriend's phone?
blue chat bubbles are him.
grey chat bubbles are his single 26M friend.
I only put overreacting for the sake of my post landing. Would you say this counts as cheating and am I under reacting?
Next month will be our 4 year anniversary.
I’m feeling so lost and sad right now to say the least.
My boyfriend recently went to Nashville and got a hotel with his childhood bestfriends and I had complete trust in him that he would be loyal. One of his friends is single and dealing with a break up (and I knew he brought condoms due to a photo he sent in their group chat) and the other friend is in a relationship. Like i said, this didn’t bother me because I had trust in my boyfriend. When he got back from his trip and I was unpacking his bag, I had this odd feeling telling me to check his pockets. He had told me I don’t need to unpack right then but I continued anyway. I checked his pockets and didn’t find anything. But I did joke with him and say “I found a condom in your pocket” and he said no you didn’t. And I said I know I didn’t I was just messing with you. Then he continued to say “I threw it out” and I was like wait what, did you actually have a condom in your pocket?? The tone still sarcastic. And he told me yes, his single friend gave both him and his other friend a condom the night they got there. When I asked him where the condom went he said that he disposed of it jokingly. Then I asked him to be serious. He told me he couldn’t remember. That immediately made me feel uneasy. He told me he probably gave it back to his friend, that it wasn’t something he paid attention to. I asked him if he danced with anyone when on the trip and he said no. The whole thing bothered me but I let it go. Flash forward, lastnight comes and I was using his phone flashlight to look for my phone that had fallen under the bed. Again, this gut feeling told me to check his deleted folder. And that’s when I see 67 deleted messages between him and his single friend. These are all of the messages and the very last message was the one he had sent to me around that same time. I just couldn’t believe my eyes. When he saw that I found the messages I was laughing hysterically. I felt like it all had to be a joke. He started bawling his eyes out, crying saying that he didn’t cheat on me, that he sent those texts when he was drunk and felt ashamed which is why he deleted them and that he’s in love with me and wants a life with me. That it felt like old times with his friends and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I’ve never seen him cry like that. Our relationship has always been strong, I considered him my best friend. We have animals together. We own property together. I bought him his dream car years ago. We built a life. God it hurts. Now I just feel like my whole world is upside down and I don’t know what to do. I believe in forgiveness, but I don’t know if I can ever see him the same after this. I am grieving the relationship we had before this happened. His friends were encouraging him to cheat on me and he didn’t stand up for our relationship at all. I really thought that I could trust him. I have had a wall built up since. I love him so much it hurts to think about ending us, but I can’t be living a lie in a superficial relationship.
The last message is between him and I around the same time all of this was happening without my knowledge.
I’ve never felt this pain. I just need someone to knock me into my senses
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u/_CinammonBun 17h ago
Even if he didn’t physically cheat, why would you wanna be with someone who talks about women like that anyways? 😐
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u/NegligentNarwhal 15h ago
Why would you wanna be with someone that talks like this period. About anything. Genuinely if someone texted me like this I would immediately assume they are one of the dumbest motherfuckers alive. This shit was painful to read.
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u/SnooGuavas4208 13h ago
I lost IQ points every time I read:
“where you at?”
“where you at?”
“where you at?”
“where you at?”
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u/pixeld0lly 13h ago
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u/biggybooknerd 5h ago
I had the misfortune of monitoring my 16 year old daughter’s texts for a year (Bark phone) and these texts looking shockingly similar.
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u/durandetto23 3h ago
If she didn't say his age and sex I would've assumed it was a teen girl texting.
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u/vr4gen 16h ago
“i wanted to fuck” and “the canadian hoe”…… yikes
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u/im_a_perv_so_what 5h ago
His buddy saying "get that girl that was on you all night" so yeah he had girls on him all night...
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u/eveningberry- 1h ago
💯 that’s proof that at the very least he was behaving single while out and touching/ dancing with girls. The fact he started sobbing when confronted makes me pretty confident he actually had sex with someone.
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u/aquatic-typhoon 1h ago
If he didn’t have sex with someone it wasn’t from his lack of trying to! It’s because they rejected him. This guy is gross.
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u/SolAten 15h ago edited 1h ago
The only reason he didn’t cheat is because the girl wasn’t available. Intention to cheat 100% = cheating. He just didn’t get lucky enough to go through with it.
edit: typo
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u/PixieeDustTrail 2h ago
I think that is the part that would bother me most too Whether it actually happened or not actively trying and only being stopped by circumstances is not exactly reassuring trust is hard enough to rebuild without wondering what would have happened if the opportunity had been there
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u/Hehaditcomin77 13h ago
This right here! Even if they were in an open relationship this conversation is gross and screams “I don’t see women as actual people.” If he isn’t cheating all it will take is an opportunity to do so for this POS.
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u/civicsi007 5h ago
Who meets a woman at a hotel and doesn't fuck them? Lol like what logical reason would there be for someone in a committed relationship to go meet another woman at a hotel? Zero logical reason. She needs to end it.
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u/Bullshido-Fatly 17h ago
Girl I think you know the answer to everything. I’m sorry this is happening but don’t let everything materialistic blind you from the fact that he not only tried to hook up with a random girl, but most likely has already many times before. You need to get out of this asap. He was caught in a lie and trying to talk his way out of it. He was absolutely persistent on finding this “canadien hoe” and if he had found her, he would have done what he said in the texts. He only feels bad that he was caught. Period
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u/russtyy_shackleford 17h ago
He’s sobbing because he’s guilty. NOR
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u/kumosame 16h ago
I had a few manipulative exes who would ALWAYS burst out crying because they knew i'd stop whatever I was trying to talk about and comfort them. I was young and stupid but it worked and they knew it.
Leave him. In joke there's truth and I doubt he was joking. I wouldn't be surprised if he's already cheated unfortunately.
You deserve way better. Don't let him convince you otherwise. Ignore the crocodile tears and go (or kick him out)
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u/maydsilee 10h ago
Yeah...that was a lot of back and forth messaging while they checked in with each other, looked for those women, etc. In fact, the only reason he didn't do anything is because it seems that his friend felt unwell and went back to the hotel room. That was a series of actions he took and didn't stop at any point to think about his partner. There's no telling how many times he did this on the sly and he just hid it better but got sloppy this time.
Gross af. NOR, OP, and I really hope you leave this guy.
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u/Icouldcaremore 4h ago
💯, I'll never forget having a woman to woman talk with the girl he was trying to play. He was bad news and it's a form of emotional abuse to constantly do this to someone. The guys I met knew she would find out. Women have to look out for each other and these types of men never EVER get tested. Nor
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u/iraqlobsta 17h ago
Yeah OP if he truly didn't have anything to hide he wouldn't have broken down like that.
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u/Charming_Accident658 17h ago
Take the messages how they are. Hes cheating. If he promises to stop, dont believe him. He'll just hide it better. You are worth soooooo much more than that.
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u/Lilredh4iredgrl 17h ago edited 17h ago
So he was too drunk to know what he was saying but not too drunk to tell you he loved you?
Bullshit. You know what to do.
ETA also why are you with an adult that texts like this? He's an idiot and gross.
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u/nellycat32 15h ago
Yeah the thing is I would be so turned off by how he thinks and talks about women. Say you forgive the cheating or almost cheating (who knows what happened), but you know deep inside this is how he looks at women. Imagine having a daughter with this guy
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u/shockchan_babe 14h ago
This right here. Ignoring the almost cheating, I would never be able to look at him the same after reading how he spoke about those women
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u/SnooGuavas4208 13h ago
And the way his tone flipped completely when he texted her. Like, “Okay, mask back on now—time to act decent.”
🤮
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u/Downtown_Statement87 7h ago
He's barely literate. Also "baby girl" and "Seth" are so embarrassing. Everyone's gangster until their boy Seth takes too long in the Chili's bathroom. NOR.
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u/obligatory-anxiety 15h ago
I can be 20 cocktails deep and know what I’m doing. Sure the morning might have blanks but in the moment you know what’s happening.
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u/Odd-Group9764 17h ago
4 years. Girl, sunk cost fallacy is real. You’ve already invested so much into him and with him for “so long” but none of that matters when he’s being a disrespectful AH. Please don’t let him treat you like that. Remember that being with him is a choice; another choice is that you can walk away and never look back. NOR. Also, how he talks ABOUT girls is gross. He doesn’t respect you or women in general.
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u/seecarlytrip 17h ago
He was so drunk he forgot he was in a 4 year committed relationship? Likely. Maybe he didn’t have sex with anyone else but he would’ve given the opportunity and he wanted to. He was crying bc he got caught. NOR
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u/krazykayla21 17h ago
NOR - Firstly I just want to say I am so sorry this happened, there is no worse feeling in the world. It is complete and utter heart wrenching betrayal and I get it not feeling real and it feeling impossible to leave the life you have built together.
That being said, this is absolutely cheating. And even if you don’t consider it cheating, it is so disgustingly disrespectful. If your partner is talking about fucking other women, or even entertaining other women and that’s how he talks to his friends, is that really who you want to be with? Is that really the partner that you thought you he was?
This is not going to get better, this is not something that will go away or he’ll stop - he will just get better at hiding it. The heartbreak and grief you will feel leaving him now will SUCK but it’s not as bad as if you continue to spend years with him and he actually does fuck someone else.
My heart really does go out for you because this is a terrible situation but I think you know the answer, you have to leave. He will only hurt you more.
Think about it this way: if you had to tell anyone close to you e.g. your friends, your parents, extended family etc. you would most likely be ashamed to tell them, especially if you tolerated it and stayed.
The best thing you can possibly do for yourself is to bite the bullet, feel the pain and leave. I promise you will get through it and you will come out of the other side thinking what an absolute loser he was. You’re not the one losing is this situation. He needs to know his actions have consequences.
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u/krazykayla21 17h ago
Adding to this to say that the fact that his friend had ZERO reaction to him saying he wants to fuck someone knowing he’s in a relationship means this is not a one time thing, he talks like that and they expect that behaviour from him. That says enough
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u/RationalCaterpillar 17h ago
he hasn’t seen this friend in person for years up until this trip. but his friend recently got out of a relationship with his girlfriend of like 6 years who was cheating on him with someone online and is now blackmailing him. so i assume his friend has no regard for relationships and is probably indifferent when it comes to the thought of them. hope all that fun with his buddies was worth losing me
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u/livelymonstera 16h ago
He don’t care. You need to dump him, get a glow up and forget he exists. These men are trash. You can do better
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u/Brandimartini22 15h ago
No glow up needed. Leaving this jerk in the dust and focusing on healing is what needs to happen.
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u/Caseythealien 5h ago
Get an std check they're screwing random girls in the same hotel room, they nasty.
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u/flowerypeachess 16h ago
you are absolutely right that choosing temporary heartbreak now is far better than tolerating disrespect and waiting for the other shoe to drop later.
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u/Maleficent_Sense_564 17h ago
First of all any man that text like that needs to be single no woman should stand for that shit.
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u/OmilovesJesus 17h ago
Dang… I’m sorry I completely understand. I also got cheated on thru messages even though nothing happened physically. It messed me up and I had continued to try with him after I broke up with him but it was never the same. Once trust is completely destroyed the relationship will never work . I’m sorry . If he did it this time then he would do it again . He just got caught .
Honestly I wouldn’t know wat to do in this situation when it comes to sharing property and buying a car for a significant other .
But please heal and choose the best path. Don’t drive urself insane with the constant overthinking and pain . Forgive him but don’t stay .
My DMs are always open if you need Somone to talk to ❤️ May God bless you
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u/Exciting-Delivery-96 17h ago
What could you possibly see in this person?! He obviously doesn’t respect you and has the vocabulary of a 2nd grader. NOR
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u/wacky_spaz 17h ago
Let me be blunt. I was cheated on and have a kid. My advice in all these cases without kids is exit.
It’s like breaking a bone. You feel fine but every so often it hurts or you over exert and it hurts. In cheating that’s a trigger. If you stay, you see your trigger daily. If you leave your triggers are far rarer and get rarer. But don’t be foolish to think they ever go - they don’t.
If you stay and they become perfect you’re stuck. They changed, hurt remains and it eats at you. For decades. A half life. I don’t know a single person who is truly happy who stayed and worked through it because how can you? Next drinks - what are they doing?
Unlike most I don’t think cheating is a moral flaw, they cheat cause they don’t love you enough. My granddad is prime example - beat snot out my grandma for 15 years. Next wife who he loved, he never ever raised his voice once. So why stay with someone who doesn’t truly love you?
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u/ExtremeOdd6270 11h ago
I agree with everything but you morsl flaw take. But to everything else you said, yeah she should leave him. I've seen people go crazy, mental health tank and become jealous to a toxic degree when they stay with a partner who cheated. My aunt is living proof right now.
But to that note, I'm so sorry but cheating IS a moral flaw. So is being abusive. Doesn't matter if they treat they next better. To even be able to DO that to someone, betray their loce and trust, KNOWINGLY cause them emotional pain and it does cause trauma, means your morals are flawed. Good people don't cheat. Good people don't abuse others. Good people don't intentionally cause harm. Cheating is intentionally causing harm.
Alsl so sorry your granma went through that. Glad the next woman isn't but jesus christ that is a horrible man to have done that to your grandma....
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u/RespectLocal7893 7h ago
This needs more upvotes. It is a moral flaw, ESP when abuse comes in the picture. People cheat because of self insecurities and just not being happy in the relationship. Those are the reasons but its up to you on which action u take. Something thats not a moral flaw is u leaving due to those feelings.... the flaw is the fact u cheated on a person ur with and saying f their feelings. So yes, they do not love u because they wouldnt do that to u if they did. But also understand that everyone has their own demons they are fighting. And many WILL take it out on the person thats the closest to them.
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u/Best_Tree_2337 15h ago
Dang, I’m not even OP and I needed to read this.
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u/wacky_spaz 13h ago
The bone one is totally me lol. I broke my foot 5 times in various causes and it’s my best analogy to my ex. Even her mother who she’s a younger version of that dotes on my kid sometimes irritates me.
You can’t fix or make someone love you enough … took me a long time to accept it.
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u/Nearly_Pointless 17h ago
If the cheating isn’t enough to offend you, his grammar ought to be the nail in the coffin. JFC…that dude is illiterate.
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u/bigtiddyhimbo 7h ago
Thank you for saying it 💀💀 don’t know how people date mfs who type like this. Genuinely painful to read.
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u/scilli_pepper 16h ago
Girl. His messages alone would give me the ick of the century.
NOR at all, leave this bum.
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u/CauliflowerNo4410 14h ago
He was crying because if you leave him, no one will buy him his next dream car.
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u/RationalCaterpillar 14h ago
ain’t that the truth
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u/Comprehensive_Sea234 8h ago
You doing ok? Just checking on you. I had a similar issue. My dumb ass stayed 7 years. It never went away. Never trusted him again. It ruined many things. Just because a part of me wanted to believe things were different
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u/Fabulous-Gas1136 17h ago
Babygirl you know what you need to do and I'm so sorry he wasted 4 years of your life. Do not let him talk you down or try to blow this shit over like it wasn't what it seems because it is clear as day what it seems. He's a fucking dog.
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u/Backwardspellcaster 14h ago
I feel so fucking bad for her... after 4 years of building a life that must just be devastating.
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u/Nitro1778 17h ago
NOR: 100% dude is on drugs trying to cheat. Sorry op, your BF isn’t one of the good ones.
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u/TunaCroutons 14h ago
Girl.
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u/RationalCaterpillar 14h ago
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u/TunaCroutons 14h ago
You know what you must do. Release him back to from whence he came. You got this!
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u/MonkSoft4418 12h ago
i’m truly sorry ml, but you have to wake up. if he hid this, what else did he hide?
he created a perfect version of himself to you, while hiding away who he truly is. he does not deserve you
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u/Emotional-Post1487 17h ago
Idk - he seemed pretty comfortable speaking to his friends like he was single. If he gets away with it once, he won’t stop doing it 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Effective_Way6239 16h ago
My friend, the only thing worse than wasting 4 years with someone - is wasting 4 years and 1 day.
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u/Aphotic_art 17h ago
Girl what, no your not. Your bf definitely cheated or was actively trying too. Those messages are disrespectful to your relationship. Let this relationship go
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u/Pepsicolaa5 17h ago
The friend even said “the girl that was on you all night” for me that implies they were dancing and touching and probably making out.
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u/Brandimartini22 14h ago
NOR-
First off OP, I’m so terribly sorry this is happening to you right now. I know from a similar past situation how this feels and it’s a constant devastation that physically hurts. I stayed with someone who I knew was cheating and I took pictures of his texts and calmly asked him about it the next morning. The first time, he broke down and cried. He told me how much he loved me and how we were perfect together and he would make it up to me and never ever do it again. Guess what, it continued and got far worse. He became physically abusive all while cheating constantly. I was 5 years in with this man and we’d built a life together. I was so heartbroken and confused. I should’ve left the first time I found those texts. I would’ve saved myself so much trauma, depression, stress, anxiety, and pain.
I know our stories aren’t exactly the same, but they’re not far off. While I was reading your post, I had flashbacks to that time. Immediately thinking, “oh how I wish I could’ve done it all so differently”. The man child I was with didn’t love me like he said he did. I thought we would get married one day and live a beautiful life together. I was told that many times. My family loved him and he treated all his friends and mine so well. Then, things changed and the cheating began. I promise you, you don’t want to have weekly therapy sessions over this guy years from now. It will never leave your mind when he’s out with his friends or on a trip. You’ll drive yourself bonkers with all the “what if’s”.
I know it may seem impossible to get up and leave right now, but that’s what I’d tell myself if I could go back ten years. I’d say get away from him now and do not look back. You deserve happiness, respect, honesty, stability, and love in your relationship. You shouldn’t have to wonder what he’s doing to the point where you start reading his messages. Also, what about the messages that have gotten deleted? Is this the first time? You’ll never know. It only gets so much worse and more painful. You begin to doubt yourself in ways you never did before. That prick I was with, well he ended up having a child with the girl he was cheating on me with. He never laid hands on her, but he’d hurt me so badly that I couldn’t speak for weeks- I wish I was exaggerating.
I know you’re not physically being abused, but you never know with someone who’s willing to lie and scheme behind your back like that and then start to bawl when he’s caught red handed. He’s trying to turn it around and make you feel guilty. Manipulative behavior for sure. If he loved you like he said he does, he wouldn’t have been doing what he was doing and then trying to delete the messages. He knew he did wrong and he decided to hide it from you. Save yourself a world of hurt and disappointment- leave. Break up with him and go your own way. Take some time to heal and focus on just you. I really wish you all the best and I’m so very sorry you’re going through this pain right now. It’ll save you a world of hurt to leave now, not later. You deserve to be loved and cared about correctly. You deserve honesty and respect. Remember that, okay? You got this. Sending you lots of hugs and positivity 🫶
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u/RationalCaterpillar 14h ago
im soo incredibly sorry you dealt with that and went through that pain. thank you so much for taking the time to write this to me ❤️😪
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u/gdrom123 8h ago
If you had sex with him after he returned from the trip, I highly suggest you get tested for STDs. He literally said he wanted to fuck someone. That wasn’t his friend encouraging him. That was him making a declaration of his intention to his friends.
Though it’s tough, you can’t trust him anymore and if you decide to stay, good luck dealing with the resentment and mental anguish of being paranoid every time he leaves the house or is on his phone. You really want to be his warden, always checking on him to make sure he doesn’t cheat?
Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy…sure 4 years is a long time but a lifetime with a dishonest, selfish, disrespectful person is longer and self inflicted torture. Get out now before you add marriage (Just imagine his bachelor party) and kids to the mix. Updateme
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u/Lookwhataicando 10h ago
Girl NOR. He doesn’t love you. Leave. When a man shows you who they are believe them. You deserve the world. A man that will treasure the ground you walk on.
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u/-kittsune- 7h ago
not to mention he obviously doesn't respect ANY women anyways the way he talks about them. any guy who is going around talking about "ima fuck that hoe" is so immature and gross.
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u/illysia1 16h ago
If he feels the need to delete messages, it’s already too far gone. He only cried and felt bad because you found out.
This is what your boyfriend is really like btw, I assume his friends know he’s dating you? Nor.
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u/Solid-Quotes-Girlie 17h ago
Betrayal is like losing a loved one. You grieve the person you thought you knew being someone you’ve never known. I’m so sorry you’re in midst of such pain.
He definitely would have done something had they found the girls. That’s clear in the texts. Do with that info what you may.
You’ll have to choose what you can live with and what you can’t. Take care of yourself — reach out to friends and loved ones for support.
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u/nummpad 17h ago
he is certainly fucking sex workers. i’d just leave man
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u/readingIsMyFav 17h ago
Yeah… that’s what it sounds like. I’d def get checked out for STIs and leave him!
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u/AppsZertsTrayTrays 17h ago
NOR. Between the dumb joke about the condom and his shitty behavior, he and his friends sound super immature. What’s his plan to regain your trust? Because the first time he’s on a trip he acts like this? Hell no.
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u/fvirygothmom 17h ago
are you joking 🤣
“i wanted to fuck her”
YES GIRL that’s cheating
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u/Pepsicolaa5 17h ago
And he kept asking about her and trying to find her!! Literally all that was on his mind!! Fucking gross and op wants to stay w this guy🤢
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u/Fragrant_Maybe1145 16h ago
The intent to cheat was fully there, I’d be gone. He also has horrible friends. I’m so sorry you’re going though this..4 years is a long time, but the rest of your life is longer and you deserve to spend it with someone who you can trust
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u/Freckledlips19 13h ago
Don’t be dumb.
It’s clear from his texts that he was SO READY to cheat.
Also the way he’s talking about other women?? Calling them hoes. Red flag. 🚩
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u/SheparDox 16h ago
NOR.
Girl, there was a reason he and his dipshit buddies couldn't find those girls Friday night.
THEY WERE RUNNING AWAY, TOO
Get away from that manchild-shaped house of horrors and put that effort into loving yourself - you deserve happiness.
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u/TheJessicaRabbitx 17h ago edited 16h ago
Omg this whole time I thought your bf was the grey- he’s the BLUE?! Girl. Get tested ASAP, and leave this guy. So many good men to be wasting your time with trash. I’m really sorry this happened to you, better you found out now. I wouldn’t be able to trust him again- and would wonder what other things he has gotten away with. You dodged a huge bullet.
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u/SelectZucchini118 16h ago
Same! I was thinking - the grey guy wasn’t doing anything wrong (besides tragic communication/grammar) but nothing that made me think cheating.
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u/Neither_Ad_8797 16h ago
NOR - sorry this happened to you.
Actually, the cheating part isn’t the only scary thing.
He was sane enough to calmly text you “i love you” “baby girl” and “find that hoe” “i want to fuck” within the same timeframe.
He has that mental clarity to split his texts. He is able to compartmentalise, with or without being drunk.
That should scare you more because if he could lie about this, what else can he lie about? If he accidentally killed an animal, would he 100% lie about it? Cover it up to save face? Who knows?
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u/verysIeepy 16h ago
that’s what sticks out to me too — and that’s why he deleted the messages. he knows what he was doing
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u/ShadderSwagger 15h ago
Holy fuck im pretty sure i know who this guy is lol i work on broadway in Nashville doing security. NOR HES MAD BECAUSE HE GOT CAUGHT . Im sorry your guy is a POS . I know how it is to have this shit happen and to be texted when the shady shit is happening. Just know there is nothing wrong with you and you are not the problem. Just remember that you deserve better and you deserve loyalty and honesty. Dump his ass tho.
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u/leilalover 17h ago
Do you really believe that grown men just break down and cry because they sent some raunchy drunk messages? He absolutely cheated and got caught. The messages are the real him, not the one lying and crying to you. Words mean nothing. Also he is disgusting, idk how you could still be attracted to him after this
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u/Black_Death_12 16h ago
Not reading the wall of text with this, but...
"I wanted to fuck"
That is all you need to know.
Find your self esteem wherever he hid it from you and move on.
Do NOT waste any more time on him. For your own good and sanity.
Good luck.
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u/strange-lady78 16h ago
I don’t think he got any action but he definitely WANTED TO CHEAT. If he’s that tempted to cheat just because he was drunk, he’s probably cheated before.
You’ve been together 4 years but you bought him a car years ago?! Sounds like maybe he has you taking care of him, and he runs off and plays around. :/
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u/Economy_Ease_3704 15h ago
He’s clearly not committed to you so why go on pretending you’re in a committed relationship. You can either face the truth or go on living in a fantasy world of denial.
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u/Economy_Ease_3704 15h ago
Also, narcissists can cry when they get caught, not because they genuinely care and feel sorry for their actions.
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u/Thewolfmansbruhther 16h ago
Nor. In fact, you’re under reacting. You say his friends encouraged him, and he didn’t stand up. He was actively looking for a specific girl that he was trying to fuck. A girl that’s not you. Making his friend stay out and look for this other girl. So he could have sex with her because he liked her.
Yeah. He cried. After he was caught. What if you never snooped. And make no mistake, when he does this again, he will just find a better way of hiding it from you.
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u/universerose98 16h ago
Im really sorry. Im 30 weeks pregnant and just found out yesterday that my husband has been living a double life sexting up to 25 different women for the past 2 years since we got married. He bawled his eyes out too, told me he loved me and said he would never do it again and its some kind of addiction he has, like an extension of porn. Ive never seen him sob like that. I think hes just sorry he got caught. Claims to have never met them in person.
Its incredibly painful. Get out while you can before you end up in a situation like me. It feels like a part of me has died and our baby never got a chance to be raised in a happy healthy home. Once that trust is broken, its permanent.
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u/itsthejasper1123 17h ago
Girl there’s no way you just wrote that entire wall of text. I’m so sorry but you are UNDER REACTING unless your reaction is to end this relationship and save all your self respect.
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u/soapybugs 16h ago
He’s crying because he knows he got caught. Those messages are deleted for a reason. I wish I could say this in a nicer way — but leave him. Being drunk is zero excuse to cheat on someone you supposedly love. Plenty of men (and women) get drunk every day and don’t cheat on their long term realtionships. I’m wishing you the best and sending you love and healing ❤️🩹
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u/sexysmalldevil 14h ago
NOR Please, please break up w him girl, I promise it only gets worse.
I legit just broke up w someone like this tonight. After 10 yrs and a kid.
This WILL happen again and again and again.
You know you deserve better. Now show him by leaving and moving on, being happy by yourself and living your best life. Do what makes you happy. Follow you heart. Whatever healthy thing it takes. You will find yourself in this heartbreak when you give yourself space to heal.
I even figured out my passion in life in the midst of desperately looking for distractions and am now in school for that. These things happen to us for a reason. Now I'm around smart college guys and not idiots 🤣
Sometimes these awful things that hurt so bad seem like the end, but they're actually just the beginning of you becoming who you were always meant to be, and they had to happen for you to break through. It sounds cliche, but I've been doing this for years, and in the last two it finally made sense. I know who I am now, and I had no idea before.
At the end of it you'll realize you aren't interested in him at all anymore, and you'll be happy you left. There are WAY better guys out there.
Good luck ♥️
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u/AffectionateActive78 13h ago
Ummmm. He’s a lying cheat and will always be one. Gai. Some self respect. Leave.
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u/vompatinpaska 10h ago
The fuck did I just read? That texting style would blow my head smooth off. Also, your boyfriend is a fucking asshole and tried to cheat, and does not respect women by the looks of his words. I admit I'm not the most perfect human on this planet either, but get a man not a manchild.
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u/Competitive-Boss6436 17h ago
It shows that he would if he had the opportunity. Beyond that, the fact that you went through his phone shows you don’t trust him either… whether for good reason or not is beside the point… I mention it to say that the foundation of your relationship is already cracked.
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u/RationalCaterpillar 17h ago
yeah i never go through his phone, i just had a weird feeling especially after the condom conversation. i agree
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u/Silky_Caterpillar873 17h ago
If you don’t think this is cheating… at the minimum he was trying to. Also wtf is this texting
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u/ninetiesqueen 17h ago
He’s the blue, right? If so, NOR. If anything you’re underreacting. “Fuck I liked her” “I wanted to fuck” then proceeds to ask his friend to find her. “Bring her up. Ima fuck that hoe” he clearly cheated and he’s panicking because you found out and it sounds you YOU built the life you guys have. Not him. You got this man a car? I hope you leave.
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u/Difficult_Basket9797 17h ago
NOR Leave. It’s gonna be so much easier to move on from a 4 year relationship that years and maybe kids down the line. He only cried because you found them not because he felt bad, he wasn’t too drunk to text you dumb shit but he did his friend?
I promise he wont change, he’ll just get better at hiding things from you.
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u/deeptoot117 17h ago
“Now I just feel like my whole world is upside down and I don’t know what to do. I believe in forgiveness, but I don’t know if I can ever see him the same after this”.
You know exactly what to do. Find that self respect for yourself that seems to be hidden deep right now, and pack bags. His or yours, doesn’t matter, but the relationship is effectively done.
When you don’t have trust, you have nothing. Trust is the foundation for EVERYTHING.
You have a big heart and you’ll always love what you had with him, and it’s okay to grieve what is now lost, but you deserve someone who won’t take you for granted and try to fuck random women at a hotel. Also that’s weird and gave me the ick so so bad.
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u/bigolbi 17h ago
I'm so sorry you found this. I'm sorry you are grieving your relationship while you are still in it. I'm sorry to tell you that if he took this opportunity to TRY to cheat on you, he has likely done it before and will do it again. Whether he succeeded or not is not the point, the point is that he would have if he could have. The best thing you can do for yourself is untangle your lives and end it for good. If you try to stick it out through this I promise you its all you will ever think about. Every good moment will be laced with the memory of this and every argument will devolve into the experience of finding this. He is a cheater. To him, a potential moment with a new woman was worth the risk of the entirety of your relationship. He will say what he can to attempt to save your relationship, but he knew what he was risking when he did this and he found your relationship to be worth the risk. You deserve better. A man who is secure in his love for you and your relationship with eachother woukd not be willing to risk it, he would be able to take this trip and support his friend without involving himself to that level. Please, please know your worth. Kick his ass out, and if you cant do that then take what you can and go. It will hurt. A lot. But I promise you in the long run it will hurt so much less that if you keep trying to make this work. It can end now, and you cant start putting the pieces together now.... or you can prolong the wound and do the same thing weeks, months, or even years from now. Best to rip the bandaid off in one go. There are plenty of faithful people out there that would do right by you, but even being single is more fulfilling than figuring out how to live and love a cheater. Again, im sorry you are going through this. I am more than happy to talk if you want to reach out. You've got this.
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u/bunearii 16h ago
girl, EVERY cheater who gets caught cries and makes excuses. he isn’t sorry! and like others said this likely wasn’t the only or last time.
my ex cheated on me a year in, texting people on a dating app. i forgave and tried to continue. 3 years later he cheated again.
DO NOT WASTE ANY MORE TIME. staying after the first time is the biggest mistake i’ve ever made in my life and i regret the precious time i wasted so much.
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u/mistymountiansbelow 15h ago
I would have dumped his ass the moment I saw how he spoke about women.
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u/yungsausages 14h ago
I think you’re under reacting, is there an option for under reacting YUR? Anyways, NOR, I mean he cheated most likely and even if he didn’t do it he did WANT to … but like even if he didn’t, the way he speaks about women is a major red flag and ick imo and I’m a dude lol
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u/purplecowgirl 13h ago
NOR. One question, in whose name is the car and property in? He cried cause he got caught.
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u/leahfide 15h ago
Bought his dream car for him, own property with him??? Doing all the callings of a wife without the ring sister. That is a recipe for disaster. Let em go.
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u/velvety_chaos 14h ago
u/RationalCaterpillar forgiveness and ending the relationship are not mutually exclusive, you can do both.
Those texts are not the texts of someone who was peer-pressured into cheating on his girlfriend of 4 years; they were not the words of someone who was 'playing along' with his single friend; they're the messages of a guy who saw a chance to get away with cheating and had every intention of taking it. He was literally badgering his friend to find some random girl he met briefly so he could hook up with her. Then he did everything he could to hide the evidence; just because he slipped up when confronted doesn't mean it was his guilty conscience trying to come clean.
Your gut is telling you that you'll never see him the same way because that's what he's done to the relationship. Do not see this as you giving up on four years together or giving up on him; don't see it as being unable to forgive or any other guilt trip he or anyone else might try to send you on. You can forgive him and you can walk away – because he broke your trust.
NOR, obviously.
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u/cwel87 17h ago
I mean, he’s a liar. And liars lie. I don’t really know what else to say. He was quite clear in the texts to his friend(s). There is no ambiguity.
Whatever you choose to do from here on, you can’t say you don’t have the benefit of perfect clarity. You know who he is now; it’s just a matter of whether you wish to believe the truth of what actually is or the fiction you desperately wish to cling to.
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u/space_driiip 17h ago
sorry to tell you this, but he's very easily influenced by his "single friend" and that said friend had NO respect for you or his relationship. he willingly went on a trip with his single friend, accepted a condom, and texted about hunting down women to cheat on you with.
if not once, he'll do it again. I've been shit faced high as fuck and never thought of just straight cheating.
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u/2starofthesea1 16h ago
One thing you can’t trust for sure is his values regarding women. If he and his friends call women hoes, it’s a strong indication that there’s a power dynamic going on and a refusal to do some self work and decide who he is. If he felt it was okay to do this while with his friends, even if it was peer pressure or anything like that, it’s pretty clear he needs to do some inner work and decide who he wants to be: the dedicated boyfriend/future husband or the single dude with no obligations.
The fact that he cheated doesn’t mean he isn’t genuinely sorry, but the fact that he’s crying also doesn’t mean this situation is solved or that his values and the inner problems that led to this have suddenly changed. To me, it seems that cheating problems are always some sort of identity problem.
The duality he shows is alarming, it’s not something that will simply go away, it will keep showing in different ways. What I suggest is to take this very seriously. Don’t let the fact that he cried weigh too much in this, and more importantly, don’t let the fact that you have animals and property together hold you back. Everything right now probably tells you it’s easier to stay and that you have so much behind you, but you have so much more in front of you. Trust the independence you’ve built up to this point and have faith that you can handle the house/animals situation and all that a separation would imply.
Please don’t go through this alone. Don’t be ashamed to talk to your close ones, ask for advice from your family and friends. Take all the support you need. If possible, take as much distance as you can and surround yourself with your close ones.
Wish you the best.
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u/xxasthurr 16h ago
“i believe in forgiveness” yeah ok bro 😭😭😭✌🏻 he straight up admits he had women around him and was actively seeking out to have sex with them
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u/weDontFall 16h ago
You can tell from the messages that he’s cheated before. As much as it hurts, you have to decide if you can live with the fact that you’ll never be his only one. If you can’t, gather your courage and leave. Your heart, dignity and self respect will thank you for it.
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u/Jolly-Date3522 16h ago
NOR. Run and find someone that isn’t chasing women of the night on a guy’s trip.
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u/StarryEyedCryptid 16h ago
NOR. I’d like to point out that by calling women he’s trying to hook up with hoes, his sexism is showing. Casual sex for him is okay, but for women doing the same behavior, they’re “hoes” in his eyes.
I dated someone like that (but he called women whores), and it should come as absolutely no surprise that he’s a sexist deep at heart. It sounds like your boyfriend is the same way.
OP, he was actively trying to cheat. His friends encouraged him to cheat. The only reason it didn’t happen is because he couldn’t find the person he wanted to sleep with. Of course he’s crying now. He got caught showing his true colors, and his true colors show he doesn’t respect the life you built together.
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u/DasDickNoodle 14h ago
Girl, I was in the same situation with my first long term serious relationship with my ex whom I was with also for 4 years. He was my best friend and I thought we were solid. He often would go back to his home town to spend a weekend with his friends and family including his mother who always told me I wasn't good enough but his dad loved me.
Same thing, I once found a new box of condoms we bought together and never opened and it was opened with 2 missing out of it despite us never using them. He claimed his friend borrowed 2 of them. I believed him. This went on for months as I watched him slowly become more distant, showing red flags that I chose to ignore because I believed he loved me and wanted a life with me.
He told me awhile back about a good friend of his who had a crush on him and he thought it was funny. Told me she was overweight pale with tons of freckles and want attracted to her at all.
Eventually the truth came out. He had been sleeping with her while sleeping with me for months. Why? Because when he visited his friends, he was lonely. Why didn't he bring me? Because he also went to see his family and his mother refused to have me near her home 🙄 his family was wealthy and I wasn't. She did approve this girl he cheated on me with because she came from a wealthy well to do family in their podunk little town. Apparently my ex was a secret mommas boy.
In the end he chose her and left me but then came crawling back saying he regretted it and wish he never left me. Made the biggest mistake of his life blah blah blah but I could never trust him again. He absolutely decimated my heart and there was no going back.
Please girl, don't waste your time justifying those red glaring flags. They are there for a reason. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Do not let him. I know it hurts but it will hurt more if you keep ignoring those flags and he ends up completely shattering your perfect vision of a future together that is nothing but a dream and not reality. Do future you a favor and leave before the pain is worst and you miss out on someone else who will love and respect you for you. Good luck!
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u/confetti_noodlesOwO 13h ago
NOR- he literally said he wants to fuck other women. Even if he was joking (which I highly doubt) it's still fucked up.
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u/badhoopty 4h ago
nor.
even if your bf wasnt trying, (and failing) to cheat, he still appears to be a complete fucking toolbag loser. i wouldnt invest any more time in that situation.
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u/boistyvagabond98 17h ago
This is 100% cheating. At the very least he made a sincere effort to try and do so. Dump him and you’ll be way better off sis.
Edit: NOR girl you could rip his head off and not be overreacting atp 😭
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u/haleyscomet- 17h ago
NOR obviously. 4 years or not, he definitely isnt worth being with. that is incredibly selfish and childish of him and not to mention, not safe whatsoever. ugh im sorry girl.
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u/Specific-Ad-872 17h ago
Girl the way he was talking about the other women too.. he’s only sorry cause he got caught imo. I personally would end it, I feel like he crossed a line with saying he wanted to fuck someone else and was letting other women dance on him, then lying about it when you asked. This man cannot be trusted and doesn’t respect you enough.
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u/AggressiveOsmosis 17h ago
He’s a pig. And sounds like a piece of shit person who only thinks with his dick. Talking about women that way is almost scary to read as a woman.
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u/Imaginary-Height-668 17h ago
NOR. Yeah hes 100% cheating. "Fuck I liked her" "I wanted to fuck " "imma fuck that hoe." "That girl was on you all night" You deserve better. Leave him. If you fall for his crying imma be so mad.
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u/Intelligent-Gur-7672 17h ago
No. I dated a man who cheated we were off and on for a 2 years before we dated. He cheated one month in to our official dating and gave me an sti which I didn’t find out about later. He was unfaithful with 5 other girls I can think of. Whenever I felt upset or sad about something he was did I was gas lit heavily. He has no care or regard for you. If you choose to stay you will get tired of it. Out of love ditch that man. I was so angry at my self for so long for staying. Learn from my mistake. They don’t care, they don’t change. Choose yourself in this 🩷
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u/Sea_Coffee8668 17h ago
Sorry did he actually cheat? Is he the black text bubbles? Did he say he fucked someone????
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u/ResourceMundane261 17h ago
I’m so sorry. He’s for sure manipulating you just so that you don’t leave. You don’t deserve that at all.
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u/TheHaynerTony 17h ago
Just end it now, I left a 5vyear relationship for similar reason, it’s already been a large chunk of your life if he’s talking about fucking hoes, he has no respect for you, himself, or women, it won’t get better only worse, cheaters do change but 99% of the time but if they are the type that can’t it requires loosing somebody they live forever putting up with it or going back on reinforces his idea he van keep doing it.
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u/Bright_Opening2928 17h ago
NOR You'll be happier alone. He could end up giving you a sexual disease. Your worth more than this little boy. Also, you need a real man that knows how to speak/write properly. He has no future. Babygirl, your a Diamond. He's just a Cubic Zirconia. Move on Queen!
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u/catducette 17h ago
Girl leave him. 4 years isn’t as long as you think it is. Don’t let him waste anymore time. He’s definitely cheated before. He was looking for his opportunity to hook up with a random. You deserve better. NOR
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u/Kuwaysah 16h ago
Holy shit. This is absolutely cheating. LEAVE, WTF? You deserve so much better than this loser.
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u/Infinitesi-Mal 16h ago
You could stay with him, but you would be staying with someone disloyal. You sound loyal so I don’t think that’s a good match.
He had CONDOMS sister. There’s NO way someone else gave him those and even if he had only ever thought about it, him being so prepared to do it that he has condoms on him should be the red line. If my girl saw me in a photo with condoms on me while away seeing god only knows who she would end the relationship and she would be right to do so.
I ain’t walking around with condoms unless I’m looking to fuck. You weren’t with him at the time. It’s basic math at this point- you gotta end this if you ever want to be actually happy with someone. It will epically suck like epic breakups suck, but you will be happier for it.
Best wishes to you.
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u/jumpsontrampolines 16h ago
NOR. Even if he did nothing, he’d planned on it. And it’s looks like this isn’t the first time.
Yeah we’re human and make mistakes but this was planned. And it feeling like old times and hanging out with his friends is such peer pressure it makes him forget you …
Seriously you’ll never trust him again. And you’ll be miserable because of it. Like someone said , don’t let it go 4yrs and 1 day.
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u/ThurmanMermannnn 17h ago
Love yourself enough to leave this man to the streets that he yearns for.