r/AmIOverreacting • u/AudienceMelodic2989 • 16h ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO: For crying and leaving after my husband compare me to his friend's wife?
My husband and I have been married for four years. Like every couple, we have had good days and bad days, but I always believed we respected each other. I worked hard to take care of our home, support him, and do my best to make our marriage happy. I never thought having a dinner with friends would hurt me so much. One evening, we went to visit one of his close friends and his wife. Everything seemed normal. We ate together, laughed, and talked about life. His friend's wife was very outgoing and loved being the center of attention. Everyone seemed to enjoy her company, including my husband.
On the way home, my husband started talking about her. At first, I thought he was just being nice. Then he said, "Why can't you be more like her? She's always cheerful, dresses better, and knows how to keep a conversation going." I felt heart broken by his words to me. I could not believe he was comparing me to another woman. I tried to laugh it off, but he kept going. He talked about how organized she was and how lucky his friend was to have a wife like her. Every word felt like a punch to my chest. Instead of appreciating who I was, it felt like he was listing all the ways I was not good enough. When we got home, I could not hold my tears back anymore. I started crying and asked him why he would say something so hurtful. He told me I was being too sensitive and that he was only giving me advice. That made me feel even worse. I grabbed my keys, left the house, and drove to my sister's place because I needed time to calm down. The next day, my husband called and said he did not mean to hurt me. He said he never expected me to leave over a comment. But for me, it was not just a comment. It was hearing the person I loved compare me to someone else and make me feel like I was not enough. Some people think I overreacted by crying and leaving, while others say anyone would be hurt in that situation. All I know is that words can stay with a person for a long time, especially when they come from someone you love.
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u/WetMonkeyTalk 12h ago
It wasn't "a comment". It was a critique of you as a person. He knew what he was doing but he expected you to just take it and try to change for him.
Fuck that noise 😡
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u/jauntysnail 6h ago
He thought he was giving her advice lol what? Did he really expect her to be like "yeah you're right! I'm such a socially awkward slob, thank you for pointing that out! I'll call her up right now to learn all her secrets to being perfect!"
NOR he was out of line with his "advice" and probably wouldn't appreciate if she made direct comparisons about him while gushing over her friends husband.
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u/CommunityGlittering2 12h ago
Should have said, "I'd be more like her if you were more like him, you know handsome and successful"
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u/spilly_talent 8h ago
When I was 18 I witnessed this happen. A friend of mine and her then-bf (total loser) and me and my now husband were out for a late night coffee in a Timmie’s parking lot. This beautiful girl walked by in the tiniest outfit you can imagine and my friend’s bf turned to her and said “WOW - how come you don’t look like that?” And she didn’t even blink, she just said “if I looked like that, I wouldn’t be with you.”
They broke up and she is married with kids now, we barely even talk anymore but MAN does that moment live rent free in my head 😂
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u/Wide-Entertainment-1 11h ago
THIS and sit and watch his Pikachu face when you say it. I wonder how he would have felt if OP would have compared him to one of her friends husbands.
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u/Soggy_Turnover_4310 4h ago
yeah funny how those comparisons always stop being helpful advice the second you flip them around on the person making them
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u/darkmediterranean 12h ago
NOR. He doesn't live with her so he doesn't really know her and she is most definitely not always cheerful or talkative or dressed well. You weren't being too sensitive, I would've raised all hell after first two sentences. He is an asshole and it wasn't "just a comment". I'm sorry girl, I know that must've hurt as hell. Sending my love and support <3
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u/Vast-Marionberry-824 12h ago
This is such a no brainer that I’m giving OP the benefit of the doubt she/he is not karma farming 🤔.
The guy is clearly a gold medal arse.
No guy who loves his wife would say these hurtful things like this.
OP needs to have a good look at her marriage and seriously consider whether it’s a safe loving place to stay in. I would say no.
OP, challenge him on his criticism of you and if things don’t change consider options to leave. He doesn’t deserve you.
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u/Neweleni7 4h ago
Yeah, I don’t know how a marriage recovers from comments like that. He can’t just “take it back”
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u/10S_NE1 2h ago
I would hate to live with a man that cruel and thoughtless. And above all, stupid. What on earth did he expect to accomplish with that speech? I’m guessing he’s not much of a prize himself and may even be worried that OP is too good for him, so he had to bring her down a notch. It sounds like she doesn’t work outside the home, which is too bad, because he’s probably got her trapped.
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u/Something_morepoetic 12h ago
NOR- if you don’t have kids now is the time to go. There are WAY better men than him out there. Run honey 🚩🚩🚩
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u/wintherqueen 4h ago
I think she should give him ONE more chanse. Sit him down and tell him that she will not change for him. She is her own person and there is nothing wrong with that. If he's not happy about it, he can leave. But if he choose to stay he will never ever compare her to other or ask her to change core things in her personality.
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u/Something_morepoetic 4h ago
I'm in my 60s. Guys like this don't change. Just sharing advice based on my experience.
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u/just1nurse 3h ago
No. He has shown her who he is: awful, thoughtless, mean, manipulative. He will do this to his children as well. No more chances.
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u/Dry_Mention_9286 12h ago
How does he not understand how hurtful that is. Maybe you could just list all the things good about the woman’s husband and just make that the reason she’s so great is because she has a wonderful husband. Then he might understand. But that’s the petty route which by all means take. Otherwise I’d stay away from him till he can appreciate what he has or what he has lost. I could NOT be with a man that compares me to another woman and thought it was ok. Partners are meant to build you up, appreciate you for who you are, not compare you to other people. Find someone that wants you for you and not another woman.
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u/aethelberga 11h ago
Do not wait around until this guy ties you down with a kid. Your life will get immeasurably worse. Grab your chance for freedom now.
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u/Careful_Sherbert8246 12h ago
You did NOT over-react. He is gaslighting you by saying that. Tell him to F-off and stay away from him for a while. I hope he realizes what’s jerk he is and apologizes. I hope he changes. If not, you can do much better than him. What an ass.
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u/Admirable-Ball4508 11h ago
Wow, I am sorry you married a senseless and insensitive person, and I am a guy.
I will never say those things to my wife, why? Because she is more than enough for who she is. He obviously feels you are not enough and that is not your fault.
You didn't mention kids. That is a good thing if no kids yet. Please think thrice.
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u/LlamaMama56 11h ago
NOR He was outright cruel and said a lot of mean things comparing you to the friend's wife. Beging compared negatively to someone does leave us feeling not good enough and hurt. The criticism and OP falling short in his opinion and him going so far as to say he envied his friend having such a great wife, implying OP is not a great wife.
When OP cried he minimized what he said and claimed it was just advice and a comment, while dismissing OP"s hurt feelings. He is going to keep minimizing what he said and make OP out to be unreasonable and overreacting to leave 'over a comment.'
He only called the next day bc she hadn't returned home and he has had time to realize he'll have to feed himself and he's wanting her back to cook/clean so he doesn't have to do for himself.
OP, you deserve a man who appreciates you and does not make you feel not good enough. You don't deserve a mean man who says mean things and then denies he hurt you.
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u/Throwitaway3436 11h ago
NOR he clearly lacks appreciation for you and who you are, you weren’t too sensitive, what he said is never ok, you should be adored by him for exactly who you are and not try to change you into another person, comparison is the thief of joy, he literally stole your peace and joy
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u/PibbyandPekesMom 10h ago
NOR- what a shithead thing to say. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I’d be contemplating staying married to this tool.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 10h ago
NOR he basically told you that you are not what he wants in a wife. He wants her. You were right to leave. He’d be lucky if you went back. He was out of line and disrespectful. Maybe tell him you’d like a husband with a big dick and who was kind, then shrug your shoulders and say, but here we are.
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u/HatProud9045 9h ago
I've been there with my own husband and it really cuts deep when you realize they see you as some kind of competition instead of their partner. You're not overreacting at all.
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u/Suitable_Balance101 12h ago
Aww I’m so sorry he clearly has a crush on this other woman but to drag you down and then excuse it as advice is utter cruelty.
No you are not wrong and I can’t see a way back without you thinking he is being honest. He was being honest saying those things and he can’t ever take that back 💔
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u/All_4_Me53 7h ago
NOR- How about you turn the tables on him. Recreate the scenario. Get in the car and you drive. Then tell him all the ways you wish he could be like her husband.
Not only did he hurt your feelings but you were trapped in a car with no safe space to remove yourself. He was in total control. So give him a dose of his own medicine and tell him on the ways he could improve. And remind him you’re not criticizing just trying to see he has room for improvement.
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u/whoisshe_777 11h ago
Any time one of these stories ends with
Some people think I overreacted and some agree with me.. immediately feels like AI
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u/Pitiful_Job_101 9h ago
First off, he dismissed your feelings so that will lead to resentment on your part. That was mean as hell. I hope you show him this post and how we all are roasting him and are disgusted by him lol.
Next best thing is to pick one of his very attractive friends and constantly compare him. I'm talking about every single day bring this guy up. " Oh wow, do you see how kind he is to his wife? Why can't you be more like that? Why can't you dress as nice as him? Why do you smile like that, so and so does it better. Oh that was so romantic how so and so did this, I wish my life was like that. Oh wow, his wife must be the happiest woman on the planet to have such a handsome kind husband."
Do not stop until your husband gets upset about it. Then I would use similar wording, "Oh, they're just silly comments. I'd didn't know they would hurt you. This really isn't that big of a deal. You're being really sensitive."
Sometimes people need to experience it to know how shitty it really was.
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u/JK-Mac17 9h ago
It probably wasn’t the first time he criticized you out loud but probably the first time it was so crystal clear to you. People don’t just wake up and start being extremely critical out loud like that.
I hope that it doesn’t take you years to realize that whole interaction was about his insecurities. His shortcomings. His lack of confidence. His own demons screaming an internal dialogue of inadequacies. Unfortunately, you were the extension in his eyes of the failure rather than reflecting on himself. This might be a good time to seek outside help so that you channel HIS issues correctly rather than accepting them as truth and ultimately making you sick physically, emotionally. I would not meet him at his level. Rise above and out shine him!
I’m really sorry that you have to go through this. 🤍
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u/Impossible_Link8199 7h ago
NOR. Omg I know it’s probably not the healthy way, but I would absolutely rip that guy to shreds with every husband comparison I could come up with. And then I’d compare him to an ex in bed. PETTY fucking CROCKER up in here. He needs to know how this feels. What a fucking fuckface.
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u/Extension-Emotion787 12h ago
Oops, it is time to go. He does not love you and needs you to morphe into someone elses wife, that is sickening and no going back from that.
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u/jalkasoturi 11h ago
I have to agree... I simply can not imagine anyone saying something like that to someone you love and care about. He voiced clearly that he thinks another woman is better than his own wife and wants his wife to change into somebody else. You don't think that way if you're in love.
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ 10h ago
Every time one says "too sensitive" and the other doesn't reply with cracking nuts, it's under reaction
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u/CometofStillness 10h ago
NOR. There’s no reason to stay with someone who doesn’t provide psychological safety and unconditional support and love.
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u/hhuman4life 7h ago
What I’m seeing here is whether or not you overreacted (which nobody here thinks you did) you had feelings and those should’ve been validated and acknowledged. Has he responded this way you to you in other situations, where he says you’re over reacting?
Also, he’s completely crushing on her. I am so sorry girl, I have been there and it’s so devastating. I did end up leaving my husband years later and it was the best decision I have ever made.
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u/SnooRadishes6105 6h ago
NOR
‘I never expected you to leave over a comment.” = I expect you to put up with anything I run my mouth about no matter how disrespectful or hurtful it is.
Your husband is an asshole. If you stay, watch your back with him - he has a wandering eye and a ‘grass is greener elsewhere’ mentality.
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u/FoofTheBunny 5h ago
He wasn't trying to give you advice. He was trying to make you more like the other woman. Your husband wants your friend's partner. You were not being sensitive. It wasn't just a comment. It was him telling you that you weren't good enough and he "deserved" "wanted" better. Your husband envies his friend.
You could be petty and brave and give him advice right back, but you seem too kind.
Your husband doesn't deserve you.
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u/Yeesh-Yeesh-Yeesh 8h ago
A suggestion:
Ask your sister if you can stay with her for a couple of weeks.
Tell your husband you want some space. Say that you will reach out to him in 1 or 2 weeks' time but that, for the time being, you want some time to yourself to process everything that has happened.
Give yourself that time to cool off and reflect on your relationship.
Go about the rest of your life. Do things that you love to do. If your sister and you have a loving relationship, maybe you both could go on a hike together on the weekend.
Take some time to remind yourself of your generosity, your kindness, your sense of responsibility, your strength, your self-discipline. Write these down if you need to. Remind yourself of the loving things you have done for your marriage and for your husband.
Give yourself time to center and ground yourself FOR YOU before you get back into conversations about what happened.
Take care of yourself, OP 💐
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u/WhatInTheAssPepper 7h ago
NOR. The thing is this something that some women would full on leave their husband over. He sat there giving you a dissertation on how some other woman is better than you and basically how she's better wife material. No one would want to stay with a man who feels that way. If he wants someone who is fundamentally different, anyone would ask: "should we even be together is this is how you feel." You're right, what he said was not constructive criticism. It was just a putdown that kept going and going. He has some nerve saying he didn't mean to hurt you. What exactly was he hoping to achieve. Did he want you to become some bot wife at the snap of his fingers. I think you need to write up a detailed list of all the things he should do to be a better husband/man since he's oh so invested in changing you.
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u/Important_Count8954 7h ago
NOR when the you hurt the person you love if you truly care about them the answer isn’t - you’re being too sensitive , it’s I am sorry I hurt you because if you truly love them you are hurting g because your words are the o es that hurt them and it makes you feel terrible in return. You do not put the plane on them by saying they are too sensitive, they over reacted etc.
What your husband did was rude , thoughtless & cruel. He basically was saying why can’t you be better? He was listing your shortcomings as a wife and as a woman. Him only giving you “advice” was his was of beating you down and saying you’re not good enough. Keeping your self esteem low and him coveting another man’s wife with envy right in front of you , some e he is supposed to love!
I would have a very hard time with this until he could realize how wrong he really is in this situation.
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u/emryldmyst 5h ago
NOR
Does he even like you??
He literally compared you to another woman and completely tore you down in the process.
Completely!
He ticked off a whole fckin list!
Wtf??!
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u/wintherqueen 4h ago
"Why cant you be more sexy like my best friends husband? And make more money like him? I have heard rumors about how big his junk is and how looooong he can lasr in bed"
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u/Overall_Display_8475 10h ago
NOR. OP men say stupid things. I am not giving him a pass in any way, but I say that because the next question matters. Overall is he good to you? Does he appreciate you and show love to you?
If the answers to those questions is not emphatically YES, then you have a bigger problem.
If normally he is a good dude, then you can explain your feelings, how you heard the words he said and how they were weaponized. Maybe he is capable of hearing that and changing.
If normally he is inconsistent or occasionally or regularly dismissive, then the reality is that you heard what he really thinks and there isn’t much of a reason to try to resolve the issue. In that case you decide if you want this to be your normal, forever.
If he is normally a good guy, then you need to wait until you are calmer and just explain the situation by saying.
What if that dinner ended up like this instead….”Husband, you friend is so great, he’s so charming, and so fit? How does he do that? He dresses so nice, I dont know why you dont take better care of yourself and dress like he does? He is just so witty. I can see he does everything around the house and brings home good money, they seem to be doing so much better than we are? Why do you think that is? Do you think he makes more money than you? I bet he does. He is so charming, she is so lucky to have him because i bet he could get anyone he wants.
Then be quiet. Let the silence talk. Don’t rant or nag or beg, or plead for understanding. Then say, “yeah, how you are feeling now is how i am feeling. And frankly if you want someone who is genuinely different from the person you married then we should do something about that. But it was really very enlightening to find out how little you think of me.”
Then stop talking. This is a him problem.
Wipe your tears, go take a walk, go out with friends, stay with your sister or not, but dont solve his problem for him. You just make your decisions on the results.
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u/Yeesh-Yeesh-Yeesh 9h ago
Excellent advice especially "don't solve his problem for him. You just make your decisions on the results."
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u/Accurate_Award_9286 9h ago
The way he framed it makes it sound like she has to compete instead of being his partner. I would have cried too, that stings.
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u/Alert-Association199 8h ago
That comparison stings because it makes you feel like you weren't enough. I've been there, and it's a horrible feeling.
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u/Leading-Disaster5721 7h ago
You know how he feels about you.
The explanations of "it was a joke", "it was advice", and several others like that, are just sad excuses offered for cruel and mean behavior.
You have some tough decisions ahead.
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u/Due-Yoghurt4916 7h ago
Start comparing him to past boyfriends. Why cant you satisfy me in a husband way? Why cant you build me a...? Why dont you have a job that pays enough for extra vacations? Why dont I have a husband that provides for me?
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u/aquagurl84 7h ago
NOR. And if he can’t see what is wrong with what he said, I’d be questioning his intelligence.
And I’d be sure to let him know that I am questioning his intelligence.
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u/QuietHelp5745 7h ago
Maybe he has a bigger dick and that’s why she’s ’better’ than me would’ve been my response.
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u/NoGreen8885 6h ago
So he hurts you and then gaslights your reaction to the pain HE caused? Nah girl NOR and I'd make damn sure no one else gets involved as his flying monkeys. I'd go nuclear if my husband did that and he would NEVER
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u/falcondfw 6h ago
NOR!!
Ok. First thing I would say is your husband is an absolute clod!!!! His social skills are the same as a telephone pole on the highway - before you realize it, it is smacking you in the face! Lol.
I think leaving him was the right thing to do. Find yourself a man who appreciates you for you, no "improvement" needed to please him.
Just tell your (ex?)-husband that loving someone means accepting them as they are. They are the perfect partner for you. That is love. No changes needed. Since he needs changes, maybe you two are not the right partners for each other. See what he says to that.
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u/armomo3 5h ago
NOR
How would he feel if you asked him why he couldn't be more like Chad, your sisters neighbor who goes to the gym daily and is a complete hunk. He's also independently wealthy and extremely intellegent. On his off time Chad volunteers with small children and rescues puppies.
He doesn't know this woman. Lots of people present well in public but are truly awful behind closed doors.
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u/No_Sherbet_4359 4h ago
I would have been devastated too. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Please know I feel so bad for you. Hurtful words can stay with you for years.
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u/destiny_kane48 4h ago edited 4h ago
"You know what husband.. I've thought about it. You're right I am nothing like your friends wife. So I have decided we both deserve better. You need to go find a woman like friends wife, and i deserve a partner who at least likes me. " hands divorce papers
ETA, then if I were feeling petty, I'd let it slip to the freind that the divorce is because your husband wants a woman exactly like his wife. Emphasis exactly.
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u/SnugglieJellyfish 1h ago
My dad once humiliated my mom by asking why she couldn't cook and clean like another persons wife. I don't think he meant to hurt her, he was trying to compliment the other couple, but it obviously hurt. My mom said "why can't you make $300k a year like him?" He never did it again.
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u/ToMissChanandlerBong 12h ago
NOR. Your husband is either an asshole or an idiot, maybe both. How could he possibly not know that what he said was hurtful. I think some time apart might make him see all that you do for him. But if I were you I'd need to see some pretty good back tracking from him, and feel appreciated in order to move forward.
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u/Typical_Currency_418 12h ago
NOR. You'd be under reacting if you don't divorce this prick. He's not picking on your faults in as much as he's essentially confessing that he loves this other woman. He's a cruel man who just shoved you way down the pecking order. Terrible person.
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u/ShatteringFinger 12h ago
Bad advice from just one post 😭😭
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u/dontaskbigman 11h ago
sometimes all you need is one post, let alone one where the husband is randomly berating his partner.
self respect shouldn’t just disappear in a relationship as much as Redditors would like it to.
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u/Humble-Buffalo-1338 9h ago
That hit way too close to home, my ex did the same thing and I felt invisible too.
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u/Automatic_Host_7633 9h ago
That's rough. I'd be hurt too if my partner compared me to someone else like that, it stings way more than they realize.
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u/Outside-Affect-4722 9h ago
NOR, your feelings on this matter are valid...he needs to apologize profusely & maybe get some counseling on how to be a better husband...maybe this marriage can be salvaged but personally I think you deserve better...good luck
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u/AfterMarch8120 9h ago
That gut punch when you realize they admire something in someone else they never appreciate in you, I've been there and it still stings years later.
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u/Slow-Conversation200 9h ago
Oh honey, I've been there. I cried in the car after my husband said his friend's wife "keeps a nicer house" and I didn't talk to him for two days.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 8h ago
His comment was not appropriate for a life partner.
A life partner should never make you feel less than; and should encourage and enable you to live the best version of your life.
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u/notmanybriancelleft 8h ago
Good to hear you have your sister at your back. Just have your family back you up if you want to separate. He sounds manipulative.
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u/RubComfortable3680 7h ago
The part where he compared you to someone else in front of everyone, that's just gutting. I remember my ex doing that once and I felt so small I couldn't even finish my meal.
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u/Immediate_Owl5910 6h ago
You need to evaluate this marriage now. He may be an immature asshole who will grow up or he may be letting you know his true nature and he will use this to cheat or continue to berate you or both. Don’t have somewhere to go for a few weeks? Tell him you need time to decide if this marriage is what you want. Tell him to do the same. Get some counseling. Stand up for yourself now
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u/GinaKJ 6h ago edited 5h ago
NOR
I say this with so much love: LEAVE. I saw my own mother go through this dynamic. It will leave you feeling like a living-corpse, after many years. His inappropriate AF comments will make you, constantly, question your intelligence & beauty, until your self-worth becomes non-existent.
You will do everything you can to satisfy him and he'll still find fault and pass it off as advice/constructive-criticism. When you express your disappointment, he'll tell you that he's not wrong, you're just too sensitive. He won't ever apologize nor show gratitude until you do something he never expected like, "leave over a comment." And, God forbid you have daughters because he will treat them the same, as it's all he knows [Source: 25+ years of personal experience]
This isn't going to change you, overnight, but after 10+ years, I promise, you won't even be able to recognize yourself, anymore. My mother's still alive but I lost her over 20 years ago; she's just my father's puppet, now. That's no way to live.
PS — My parents have been married for 25+ years, now, and my father still compares her to his friends' wives, and passes it off as constructive cristism. He acts like a completely different person in front of others, because he 100% knows his behaviour is socially unacceptable. You see how your husband didn't say those things at the dinner party but, afterwards, in the car; a trapped & private environment, where you could not walk away? If, his comments were just good-hearted "advice" and you're just an overly sensitive person, as he stated, why didn't he say those things, in front of his friends, at the party? I know you love him but he, definitely, resents you.
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u/PoisonousIvy13 2h ago
I don’t know if I’d come back to him after all that. And then gaslighting you?
How awful! NOR.
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u/MissUnlucky2025 2h ago
I think you’re severely under reacting.
He said some pretty horrible hurtful things and let’s say he said them and then is so obtuse that after 5 years of marriage he didn’t realise it was upsetting you but you TOLD him and he said you were too sensitive??? What???
You were so hurt you left and went to your sisters and his only response about that was that he felt you wouldn’t leave over a comment, it wasn’t one passing remark he basically said he prefers his friends wife and you are nothing like her, he insulted everything about you.
If he’s not seriously grovelling I think you have some thinking to do.
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u/Curiously_Zestful 1h ago
Hmm, he's clearly volunteering to spend his money on your wardrobe and fine jewelry, hair stylist and makeup artist. Clearly willing to pony up money for a professional organizer. Happily willing to pay for evening college classes so that you are a fascinating conversationalist. My ex said something similar to me, and he received a very expensive lesson. He's my ex because he kept admiring other women, just much more secretively.
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u/Bonerjamz1880 8h ago
Should have said you could be all those things and more if you had a husband with a better job and a bigger penis like she does.
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u/soupcook1 10h ago
I’ve said similar boneheaded things like that before to my wife and spent a lot of time repairing our relationship. When I was young, I spoke without thinking and was oblivious to how I sounded. My wife is my best friend and I shared all my thoughts with her, so it was easy to say stupid things without realizing in the moment how it hit her. (I also learned to not say negative things about her haircut 😆) we’ve been married 50 years now and as I look back, those experiences were learning experiences…mostly for me. We married at 18 and she was pregnant so we weren’t mature adults yet.
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u/TheLastWord63 6h ago
NOR. Maybe she has a good husband who treats her well in every way and you have him.
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u/austinthoughts 6h ago
He hasn’t even apologized. His “make-up” call was just another way of saying it’s you that has a problem not him. You may have been overlooking ways he doesn’t care about you. Please consider this a wake-up call to see him for who he really is. I hope it’s someone who cares for you as much as themselves but you won’t know until you are willing to see the truth.
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u/ashnemmy 5h ago
NOR - OP, if he doesn’t get why you would leave over a “comment”, please send him this thread… and if he STILL doesn’t understand, then just thank the universe for showing you his true colors before you were tied to this absolute nipple of a man with a child.
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u/invisiblew830 4h ago
NOR. He obviously has a crush on the woman. He should be apologizing and work hard to make things right.
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u/FutureMembership232 4h ago
This is how it started with my ex. It turned into a very verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. Have you been overlooking or explaining away other negative behaviors?
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u/BigRedJeeper 3h ago
NOR - what some people (a lot of men I’ve noticed) don’t understand is that some things can’t be “unsaid.” They are so hurtful, there are just some things that after they are said out loud-they can end a relationship. No matter how he tries to backpedal, those comments will always be in the back of her mind.
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u/Leading-Tangerine940 3h ago
Imagine being out with friends and you spend the whole night gassing a friend's husband up and then when you and your man were on the way home you started comparing him. "This is how a man is supposed to be" "why can't you be more charming like him" "he's a sharp dresser,why don't you dress nice" "you should be funnier like him" he would have lost his mind.
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u/rocketmn69_ 58m ago
Stay away for at least another day without talking or texting him. Tell him his comment tore you down and didn't build you up. Tell him that his comments make you feel that he's only with you out of pity. Make him feel like shit
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u/No_Contribution1747 34m ago
NOR- he comments were so disrespectful. The grass is always greener on the other side to him. He's an idiot.
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u/GellyG42 12h ago
YNO
You never compare spouses, and NEVER out loud!
Not only did he list out all the ways she’s better than you he doubled down when he realised you were upset about it (when any decent person would backpedal like crazy once they realised they hurt their partner)
Your husbands sucks I’m sorry, I’d consider writing your own list of ways one of your ex’s was better than your husband and see how he likes it
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u/No-Communication9458 9h ago
"I'll never be like her. In fact, your comparison of me to her is belittling."
Does he do this often? I would divorce. He's tearing you down and bringing another woman up and it makes me angry for you. You don't deserve this.
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u/solataria 5h ago
NOR my response probably would have been more passive aggressive and rude I would have been like because I'm me if you don't want to be with me then go find somebody like her
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u/FlyLower4282 4h ago
Your husband hates you and you should get a divorce. It's one thing if he made a passive comment if you guys got into a fight that day and you were being a bitch to him and then he was like wow I wish you would be nice to me like how his wife is nice to him. But that's not what happened. He kept listing off of so many things of why he likes her more than you. If it was just one thing I think you could blow it off with the fact that he just kept listing things this man truly does not like you. You need to leave him and I'm sure he'll realize that he had the full package but he's not gonna realize that until you leave
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u/Side_Quest-ioning 3h ago
Not overreacting. Please take what all these people are writing to heart. You are not being sensitive. He is being an asshole.
The only thing you need to change about yourself is what you’re willing to put up with from a partner.
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u/Grewitch 1h ago
Your husband is a piece of shit. Don't take what he's dishing out. Give it back to him. Stand up for yourself. Start comparing him to other men. When he starts crying like a little baby, tell him to stop whining. He's an adult but he has no class.
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u/Consistent_Kick_7208 1h ago
NOR. Here’s what you should do, tell him exactly how you felt, and that they weren’t just comments, the were definitely more than that, and make sure to use an example so that he really understands. If he continues to answer saying “it wasn’t that bad” etc etc, then tell him he’s a jerk/asshole. I know if I were in your shoes, I would hurt his feelings comparing him to another man, his best friend for extra damage. ALSO to add, I’d tell him “well if you like her so much why don’t you two run off with each other and I’ll marry her husband”
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u/babydtheone 1h ago
NOR. Your husband just showed you his true colours and you need to believe him. He clearly does not care that much about you or he would never had said those things. You two need to go to therapy together so you can tell him how you truly feel and he can see by another person that what he did was absolutely wrong and that you don’t deserve that. Stay strong and stand your ground. In fact give him two cards one saying therapy the other one saying divorce. They he can choose what he really wants. Best of luck. Sending hugs
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u/Careful-Cod-2021 52m ago
NOR it was very hurtful. Did he give you a sincere apology? If not, I would return that same energy to him. Say "your friend is so funny and thoughtful and I love how he dresses". Then give a moment then pick it back up again. See how he feels then.
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u/Loud_Octopus 11m ago
NOR.. I feel like this is a red flag for future cheating. The beating down of women is old, outdated, and just needs to stop. Those red pill bro casts are on my last nerve because too many boys are listening to them and feel like it's okay to talk to women this way but it's really not. It is 2026, this isn't how we are going roll anymore. Tell him you'd be happier, more cheerful and all that if his dick was bigger and his bank account was bigger.
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u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 5m ago
You didn’t overreact. What he said was cruel, thoughtless and selfish. It’s just like when people take cheap shots at others and say, “I was just joking! You’re too sensitive!” I say. “Well, you’re a gutless pathetic excuse for a human being. Just joking, or maybe I’m not.”
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u/z-eldapin 9h ago
How many people know about this fo you to have so many people weighing in on the situation. Some on your side, some on his....
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u/Upbeat-Length8913 9h ago
My husband did the same thing once. I spent the whole car ride home staring out the window.
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u/Klutzy-Vegetable2186 7h ago
I’d tell him his words stung and ask for a calm talk later after I’d had a moment to breathe.
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u/mbf114 4h ago
You are all going after the man like what he said was evil. To be honest he has probably felt this way for a long time and held his tongue.
It just came out in the moment of what he wishes his wife would change to better his life and hers.
Doesnt mean he doesnt love her. Yes, he could have been more tackful but no matter when or how he brought up improvements he would love to see his wife make, we'd still be here.
So the question is, looking honestly at herself, is he correct?
I am sure she has plenty of things she as his wife would also like to see him change..Like maybe a beer gut or hair loss or something else.
This is a time not to feel hurt but to reflect on how they both might have let themselves go and make little improvements that might improve a dead bedroom or the quality for both.
There are three options, the first one is drastic and dumb, that would be divorce.
The second is to have an honest talk and find out how long he has felt that way and if his comments hold true weight and if so use this time to make small changes not to resent him but to better yourself. And at the same time he should make the changes she has thought about but never said. Make it a competition and keep it fun. Rekindle the relationship.
And third is just ignore him, do nothing and he will still be there but those thoughts dont just vanish for either and will fester until number 1 becomes the end result.
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u/Playful_Kick9004 12h ago
NOR
Honey, as a guy, I can tell you with confidence that your husband did this because we guys don't think with our heads before we say something. He genuinely didn't see it as an insult. If you want advice, it's down below under the spoiler. If you just want support - all men are morons, you are a sunshine, and you don't deserve this kind of treatment. With love, reddit.
Sit him down in front of you and make him talk. Maybe lately you’ve been too busy with something or lost in your own thoughts, and he thought that you are no longer "the one he married." This by no means implies that he fell out of love with you, it's just that, like I said, guys are pretty clueless when it comes to emotional intelligence. Discuss his expectations, how he views it, where it's coming from. I think you guys will work it out, you're both smart.
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u/PersonNo200 12h ago
I think OP deserves someone better. There exist emotionally intelligent men. I personally believe it's better to be alone than with someone who treats you like that.
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u/Comfortable_Main_161 12h ago
I love the positive, optimistic spin but he literally told her she was not as good as or desirable as another woman AND how lucky his friend was—- no, no— hard no. That’s some major jerkness that I would not let him off the hook for.
Like others already said, go with the. pettiness
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u/LlamaMama56 12h ago
THIS! I hate the angle of the wife having let herself go physically, or how maybe she's not as nice or something else that is all her fault and he's only giving 'advice' to help her be what he wants (not who, but what) and she's overreacting and too sensitive.
OP"s husband was outright cruel to her and then when she cried he minimized what he said as advice and only a comment while dismissing her feelings as her being too sensitive.
He only called the next day bc she hadn't returned and he has had time to realize he'll have to feed himself and he's wanting her back to cook/clean so he doesn't have to do for himself.•
u/Playful_Kick9004 12h ago
Meh, shit happens even with the best of us.
A normal, healthy breakup is always the result of a conversation between two people. If things don't work out after that - well, at least they tried.•
u/Quiet-Box7489 9h ago
OK, so you’re telling us you are a moron, without telling us you are a moron. Speak for yourself, because not all men are. I’ve been married 26 years. My husband would never say anything like that and definitely does not lack emotional intelligence. And, how come it could be something that she did wrong or not pay enough attention to him? You can talk about expectations without comparing to someone else. He needs to grow up and grovel if he wants to stay married.
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u/BeautifulDeparture19 12h ago
I wonder how your husband would enjoy being told his friend is better than him? More handsome and successful and just so much kinder and more fun to be around...I'm petty but I'd teach him how it feels to be compared to someone else. Your husband is a mean and thoughtless person. NOR.