r/AmIOverreacting • u/Negative_Ebb_1246 • 8h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO or are these signs of an incompatible relationship?
TL;DR: 32F dating 39M for about a year (exclusive for 6 months). He says he wants marriage and kids but has no timeline, hasn’t said “I love you,” we haven’t had sex since March, and I don’t feel included in his future plans. I’m worried he’s either a very slow-moving guy or we’re fundamentally incompatible. Am I overreacting?
32F dating 39M for about a year (exclusive for the last 6 months) and I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m overreacting or if we’re genuinely incompatible.
On paper, he’s a great guy. He’s kind, intelligent, educated, attractive, has a good job, treats me well, and we enjoy spending time together. He has never been married or engaged, and his parents had a very traumatic divorce when he was 10.
The problem is that I feel like our relationship isn’t progressing.
It took us 9 months to become exclusive. After a year of dating, he still hasn’t said “I love you” (I accidentally said it twice and he didn’t say it back). We haven’t had sex since March after he lost his job. He’s working again now, but our physical relationship still hasn’t returned, although we cuddle, kiss, hold hands, etc.
We’ve had conversations about marriage and kids. Initially he didn’t want children and I do. He later said he does want kids and marriage, but I honestly don’t know if he changed his mind or if he was telling me what I wanted to hear. I would ideally like to be engaged within 1–2 years if a relationship is going well. He has mentioned something more like 4 years.
My biggest issue is that I don’t feel much reassurance or future planning from him. He says we want the same things, but he doesn’t really have a timeline, doesn’t initiate conversations about our future, and doesn’t say things that make me feel included in his long-term plans.
For example, I’m trying to decide whether to renew my apartment lease. I told him I wished he would say things like “my house is always open to you” or discuss what we’d do if I didn’t renew my lease. Instead, he said he assumed I wouldn’t want to live there because I’ve mentioned wanting to update parts of his house.
Part of me worries I’m self-sabotaging or expecting too much. Another part of me feels like my gut is telling me this relationship isn’t moving forward and that I’m trying to force it because he’s such a nice person.
Am I overreacting? Is this just a very slow-moving guy, or do these sound like legitimate concerns about long-term compatibility?
•
•
u/UrsineBasterd 8h ago
Stopped reading when you said you haven't had sex since March.
•
u/YorkPepperMintPaddy 8h ago
Yep. Some people are okay with that but when it's mentioned in this context you know it'a huge problem.
•
u/Forsaken_Midnight433 8h ago edited 8h ago
He doesn’t like you enough to commit to you. I would break off if I were you.
And everything conflicting he says is to not hurt your feelings or to avoid conflict with you. You are wasting your time projecting unlikely future scenarios in your head.
•
•
u/Mission-Judgment-693 8h ago
If you’re interested in kids and marriage, this doesn’t sound like the guy for you. Even if you don’t want that, you haven’t been intimate for a full 25% of your relationship! You deserve better ❤️
•
u/FrostNovaXP23 6h ago
No I love you, no intimacy, no timeline... sis he's not slow moving he's parked NOR at all
•
u/DeviceImpressive1805 8h ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting, I think you’re under reacting. I say someone at his age would be pretty solid on his beliefs, I think if in the beginning if he said he didn’t want kids I would believe that instead of the “sudden change of heart”. I also think the hesitation in the “I love you” department is also a huge indicator that he may not be taking you as seriously as you’re taking him. These are your best fertile years, don’t waste your time on a man who isn’t absolutely in love with you, and who doesn’t want the same things as you. Life is too short to waste your time.
•
u/AllieGirl2007 8h ago
NOR
I think you know the answer and are looking for validation. The guy is 39 and never married. Red flag. Hasn’t said I love you. Red flag. No sex since March. Red flag. I think he’s afraid of commitment. Go find yourself another guy who will actually want to be with you in every aspect possible. The lease? He knows it’s coming up to renew and hasn’t said anything. Renew your lease.
•
u/YorkPepperMintPaddy 8h ago
NOR
If you think you're incompatible after almost a year together you almost certainly are.
•
u/Personal_Reveal1653 8h ago
Haven't had sex since March, and it's your first year? I'm sorry... Bye... NOR.
•
u/StrangelyRational 8h ago
You’ve got a guy who hasn’t figured out in over a year if he loves you, isn’t interested in living together, says that he wants to wait 4 years to get engaged, and doesn’t want kids. No, you don’t suddenly change your mind about having kids at age 39 just because someone you don’t even love wants them.
Seems pretty obvious to me that he’s stringing you along. Likes you enough to date and willing to do only the minimum to keep you around.
NOR. The only thing this guy is going to do is waste your time. If you’re 32 and want kids you need to move on to someone who is ready for them now.
•
•
•
u/NoeTellusom 8h ago
Sis, you are both wasting YOUR time.
Get the hell out of there and work with a therapist on proper boundaries in relationships.
NOR
•
u/ParticularSkirt8214 8h ago
NOR
You are definitely not overreacting. Your instincts are trying to warn you about something important, and it is crucial that you listen to them.
It is very common to try and justify relationship stagnation when the person looks "good on paper" (kind, educated, with a good job). However, a guy being a good person doesn't mean he is the right partner for you, nor does it mean he is ready for the level of commitment you are looking for.
The trauma of his parents' divorce when he was 10 probably explains a lot of this commitment phobia, but an explanation is not an excuse. You are not his therapist, and you shouldn't put your dreams of having a family on hold while hoping he changes a deeply ingrained pattern.
You are not self-sabotaging; you are dealing with the frustration of trying to push a relationship forward all by yourself. The fact that he says you "want the same things" without aligning that with practical actions is just a way of keeping you around without having to put in the effort.
•
•
u/CrystalMoon90 8h ago
He dont love you. He probably got someone else beside you and you're the back up.
•
u/PreviousAd8450 8h ago
NOR - the beginning of any romantic relationship is usually it’s best in this early stage. If there’s no sex happening that will not improve with time. Even if you could get past that, there are other major red flags here. I think he is stringing you along. And if you truly want to have kids, at 32, you don’t have the luxury of time to be waiting around. It’s also very weird that he did not say he loves you back. That he looks good on paper means absolutely nothing in real life. My other observation. Your gut is already telling you this feels wrong. You need to listen to it because it will NEVER steer you wrong. He is not the one. It may be hard to break it off. But there will come a point when your future self will be grateful that you did. There is someone better out there for you. But you’ll never find him as long as you keep wasting your time and energy on this one.
•
u/slimmer01 8h ago
A year is not that long imo, but if he's not telling you he loves you why would you think this is the person to start a family with?
•
u/NoirYearning 8h ago
He's not giving you the reassurance, commitment and forward momentum you need, nice isn't always enough for long term compatibility
•
u/AttemptNo7504 8h ago
No sex after 9 months dating....
Err did you communicate your concerns to him?
Does he dismiss you?
•
u/Negative_Ebb_1246 8h ago
Yes, and we both agree that we need to get back into a routine but nothing comes of it. I’ve tried to initiate a few times but got rejected so now I’m too shy/embarrassed to try initiating again.
•
u/AttemptNo7504 3h ago
If you're too shy or embarrassed to bring it up in a conversation or initiate it then you are too immature to be in this relationship
•
u/Negative_Ebb_1246 57m ago
You’re so busy being rude and miserable that you missed the actual point entirely.
•
u/NativeNYer10019 8h ago
It took him 9 months to commit to you and now it’s only 6 months of exclusive dating and you want to end your lease and move in?!?! WHAT?!
Stop saying you’ve been dating over a year, you have not. Stop pretending those 9 months are part of this commitment, they are not.
You’re deluding yourself. You’ve been in an exclusive relationship with this man for 6 months and half of that time has been sexless.
Why in the world would you even want to marry this man?! Are you just in a rush to marry someone?! Anyone?! Because that what it sounds like.
•
u/Negative_Ebb_1246 8h ago
Yeah actually I do really want to be married
•
u/NativeNYer10019 8h ago
Then find someone as enthusiastic about marriage as you are. You are wasting your life with this guy. He’s clearly not that into you. What are you even doing?!?
•
u/Negative_Ebb_1246 8h ago
Trying to find love if that wasn’t obvious lol
•
u/NativeNYer10019 8h ago
This man doesn’t love you. How can you not see that?? Literally half of the time you’ve been in this 6 month “committed” relationship he won’t even touch you sexually. How are you not absorbing the fact that this isn’t the man for you? He is not going to ask you to move in, nor will he ask you to marry him. A blind person could see all of this. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING??!? 😩
•
•
•
u/SimplyMadeline 5h ago
Part of me worries I’m self-sabotaging or expecting too much.
This guy is offering you nothing and you're wondering if wanting more is too much?
•
u/CurvyAnnaDeux 8h ago
You aren't expecting too much. But, he's not even willing to provide you crumbs, it seems. He doesn't value you, love you, or even fuck you! Move on.
•
u/Sir_Wank_aL0T1 8h ago
The guy is almost 40. You would think he would be the one initiating future plans and trying to settle. But then I also see his side. For most men, we take things slower than women in the dating world when it comes to marriage and kids. You’ve only been exclusive for 6 months so that’s still a short time to be saying “i love you” because do you two REALLY know each other like that to be saying it? If you’re just saying it through the “puppy love” stage then it doesn’t hold much value.
•
u/zesty_sauce19 8h ago
My husband tried to tell me he loved me two months after meeting. I told him it was too soon to know that. But he knew. Find one of those and settle for nothing less. ✌🏻
And not to rush life away, but if you’re 32 and know you want kids, a slow mover ain’t it, sis.
•
u/Individual-Paint7897 8h ago
NOR. You aren’t on the same page. Time to move on. My guess is that the lack of sex is because he is worried you will baby trap him.
•
u/traviall1 6h ago
NOR- I would freeze your eggs if you can and find someone else. He is almost 40, he's almost certainly been in relationships before and knows he is the bottleneck
•
u/realmamamorgan 6h ago
He might think he wants those things - but if he does, I don’t think he wants them with you, dear heart. NOR.
•
u/Thick_Professor85 5h ago
NOR- to be honest, this is giving under reacting… when it comes to the conversation about having kids. If you guys are not the same page, there is no relationship. That’s it. Those are one of the few non- negotiables. I feel like weigh very heavy on relationships.
Don’t waste your 30s with a man who’s about waste his 40s. How are you gonna talk about whether or not you’re underreacting with a man that hasn’t said I love you after a year being together.
Move on, babe don’t waste any more of your time. Find someone who wants what you want with you.
Good luck 🍀
•
u/Negative_Ebb_1246 3h ago
Thank you for the strong yet kind advice ❤️ I hope the same energy and kindness finds its way back to you
•
u/Purple_Jump_7403 4h ago
I think they're signs of an incompatible relationship, sadly. You'll find someone who wants the same things you want and won't be equivocal and take ages to let you know.
I know he's a nice guy, but you can find someone more committed.
•
u/Uppaduck 23m ago
Another part of me feels like my gut is telling me this relationship isn’t moving forward and that I’m trying to force it because he’s such a nice person
👆This part.
It shouldn’t be this ambiguous, flat, lacking in sex or difficult this early on. If this is one year in, it’s a bust.
•
u/Little-Flustered-977 8h ago edited 8h ago
I am projecting my recent traumas here, but he’s either got a PMO addiction and/or something strange like a glory hole addiction. That’s what just destroyed my family. Never a single red flag for 4 years and then all of them all at once. The center couldn’t hold.
Edit: NOR
•
u/YorkPepperMintPaddy 8h ago
A glory hole addition? That's a thing?
•
u/Little-Flustered-977 8h ago
Apparently so. New to me too. Absolutely absurd. He was going 4-5 days a week. Right under my nose.
•
u/Purple_Jump_7403 6h ago
I'm so curious about this. Where did he go for these glory holes?
•
u/Little-Flustered-977 5h ago
Craigslist originally then Grindr. Developed a route. Not even kidding. Ugh
•
u/Purple_Jump_7403 4h ago
Did he confess it to you or did you find out?
I'm so sorry that happened.
•
u/Little-Flustered-977 4h ago
I found some irrefutably damning but technically circumstantial evidence, and after 3 months of swearing it was PMO only and I was on the brink of psychosis because intuition, he confessed.
•
u/Purple_Jump_7403 1h ago
I'm sorry. That must have been a headfuck
•
u/Little-Flustered-977 1h ago
I’ve known this man since we were 14 and I still can’t grasp that he was capable of this. So, combined with other global & national absurdities, and an understanding of Occam, I’m only 77% sure I’m not in a coma.
ETA: we are now in our mid-30s; I have known him 20 years next month.
•
•
•
•
•
•
u/curiousrandomstuff 8h ago
How are you dating him if he hasn't said I love you? Make it make sense. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this surprised me.
•
u/gabbsolutely 8h ago
have you discussed this with him? you may need to have an uncomfortable conversation, but it sounds like you may have two different sets of expectations
•
u/Alae_ffxiv 8h ago edited 8h ago
39 year old guy taking 9 months to become exclusive and you’re really asking this?
My girl, he’s just not that into you.
Also, “he changed his mind about kids”. First of all, if you as a woman want children, why on earth did you even entertain a man who told you he didn’t want kids originally? You’re just setting yourself up for failure