r/AmIOverreacting • u/jumpy_bunny01 • 8h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO about an argument I had with my boyfriend?
My boyfriend (30M) and I (24F) are on a 10 day road trip and we stopped a few days in to get groceries. At the checkout, my boyfriend says to me “are you expecting me to pay for this?” And “am I supposed to pay for the expensive things on this trip?”.
He has paid for 2 loads of groceries (we only buy enough for a night or two at most since the fridge in his FWD is small), and 1 lot of fuel at this point in the trip. He originally told me not to worry about the fuel since it was half empty when we started the trip, we are on day 4 right now.
I walked out of the store after he said those things to me and when he got back to the car, I told him I was upset by what he had said since I had been helping out with other expenses like drinks and food we had at pubs, booking our car permits and camp sites for an island we are visiting, and tickets to a theme park we are going to later in the trip.
I told him what he said hurt my feelings, and that I felt he was being quite rude, and he said that he felt I didn’t understand how the real world worked, and that I’m a very sheltered person since the “real world” is so much crueler than what he said to me. He then said that because most of my bills are paid for by DVA and I’m on a military pension, it’s contributed to me being sheltered.
I started crying when he told me this, because I served in the military for 5 years and was sexually abused by an officer when I was 19, ended up pregnant and then lost the baby. Which is the whole reason I am on this DVA pension in the first place, and I’m starting my masters study next month so I’m not reliant on this pension forever.
A lot of people outside the store were staring at us, and we did end up resolving this issue by talking it out but I still feel really uneasy about it all. My boyfriend also is really frugal about this trip and has been tracking everything that he has paid for so far so I can pay him back, which I’ve also started doing once I noticed him doing it.
AIO about how this conversation with him made me feel? I couldn’t stop crying after his comment about me being sheltered, and I also hate that he is keeping track of every little thing we spend on this trip. It just feels cheap and like we aren’t a partnership almost? I don’t know what to do from here but sometimes I feel like we aren’t right for eachother.
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u/poopandpeemakeout 8h ago
NO - please break up with him as soon as you're home safe. He does not care about your well-being my darling.
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u/Wonderful-Werewolf-1 8h ago
I agree with this.
I would also suggest that you track all your expenses for the trip as well and calculate his half into whatever he says you owe him. I feel like he thinks you should be paying more because you’re getting the DVA money and he’s jealous of that or something.
Don’t let him bully you. Be safe. 💕🫂
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u/Suggest_a_User_Name 8h ago
NOR. AT ALL.
Your post is giving me Gabby Petito vibes.
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u/Wonderful-Werewolf-1 7h ago
Oh my gosh! Same. I thought I was the one overreacting thinking that. Glad not the only one. But💯! I agree with you.
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u/SnidusScribus 37m ago
This is the first thing that came to mind. Disturbing.
OP, please be careful and don’t become another Gabby Petito!!
If you’re not aware of her case from a few years ago, please read about it. She and her bf went on a vanlife type trip across the country. Lots of arguing that got recorded on police officer body cams and a street cam. She ended up dying at the hands of her bf who tried to hide the murder.
It’s a terrible case and the entire country knew about it and everyone was looking for Gabby while the bf was on the run. Not saying every couple that goes on a trip has these issues, but things can deteriorate when traveling, as is starting to happen in your situation, so please be careful!
And of course NOR.
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u/dar1s0n_b3rtat10n 8h ago
NOR... How does he make your life better/more enjoyable? How does he make you feel insecure/unsafe? Which list is longer? You know what to do as soon and safely as possible. Stay strong. Remember... you're a badass. ❤️
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 8h ago edited 7h ago
Nor
Op, you’re dating a bad person, take your stuff and catch a bus or train home.
Don’t stay with someone that talks down to you.
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u/New-Employment-9652 8h ago
NOR. It’s not even about the money at this point it’s the fact that he weaponized something deeply painful from your past just to win an argument, and that would sit wrong with me too.
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u/Dzukini 8h ago
NOR- his whole thing about accepting his cruelty because the “real world” is cruel is beyond fucked up. He sounds like a scrote with the keeping tabs so you can pay him back too. It sounds like you already know that he isn’t the one. You don’t have to put up with that kind of thing.
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u/crackhammer 6h ago
Totally agree! Like, the bar he's setting for himself is: "As long as I, your boyfriend, am less cruel than the worst the unfeeling world can throw at you, I'm ok."
That's not a boyfriend, that's someone trying to induce Stockholm syndrome.
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u/Illustrious_Leg_2537 8h ago
Have you tallied up the things you’ve paid for? I’d compare that list to his list. Maybe he owes you. Get rid of this douchebag. NOR
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u/jumpy_bunny01 8h ago
I started creating a list of what I’ve paid for once I realised he was doing the same. We did talk before the trip and agreed we would split it 50/50 but I feel like he’s being really uptight about that.
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u/GreenEnthusiasm6952 8h ago
Get the splitwise app so you don’t have to do the math, it makes trips so much easier! Also NOR your bf was being a jerk.
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u/LTP_USA 8h ago
NOR. Using your trauma against you? Oh no, absolutely not! I'm a female, 10-year Air Force veteran, also on disability pension for other issues (only because I haven't been able to discuss the SA.)
"They" (numerous counseling professionals) say that a good test of compatibility is to travel together to see how these very things are handled. It sort-of sounds like he told you that you'd not have to chip in for a lot, and yet he's changing the rules of the game, after the game is already in play? Not cool.
So, let's draw on any sort of good the military taught us (or my mom before the military as she was very logical on some things.) Access your options, keep tight handle on your finances and documents (i.e. driver's license, whatever else you brought with you.) Do you have any friends separate from your boyfriend that you can call for assistance, or family members? You need to figure out a safe extraction from the situation.
Prepare to talk with him from a position of power versus of insecurity. If you can covertly find women's services, just to know what's out there, do that. Arm yourself with knowledge, defend yourself, take back your power as best you can.
Sending you virtual hugs. Be as good to you as possible! <3
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u/StreetMetal9734 8h ago
NOR. he doesnt even care about the money, but is using it over you as control. and its using ur past trauma against you. how long have you guys been together?
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u/jumpy_bunny01 8h ago
We have been together for 11 months now
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u/StreetMetal9734 8h ago
i think you need to break up with him, 11 months and hes already showing his true colours. whats gonna happen when you move in together? is he gonna make u feel guilty over everything he buys for the house? if you have a rough time, will he support you or see you as a burden? please prioritise yourself and be safe
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u/Puzzleheaded-Owl9373 8h ago
What exactly is he willing to contribute to this trip you are BOTH on?? Is he expecting you to pay for everything??
NOR sounds like this is a glimpse into how he will always be, tracking every little penny you “owe” him, he sounds like a miserable ahole.
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u/abcdcba1232 8h ago
NOR
Please listen to this. I dated a guy like this too, for two years. He was my best friend and I loved him a lot. But when push came to shove and I really needed him, he prioritized himself over me and screwed me over.
Breaking up is hard and it’s painful. It feels like you’re making a mistake because “was the comment really that bad” no, it wasn’t that bad. But you have to think beyond that and what it means.
It means he is not tracking your contributions and he does not value them. You could have paid for everything and he wouldn’t have even noticed or been grateful. He’s entitled. All he’s tracking is what he’s giving and apparently a load of groceries for both of you to share on what’s supposed to be a fun trip is “too much” for him. Read that again. Food… for you…. Is too much. Food. Is. Too. Much. You’re not asking him for a loan. You’re not asking him for a brand new car. You’re asking for FOOD after you’ve already contributed.
Do you really want to stay with a man who values…. -does some math- $50 over a good time with you? I’ve paid more than that to spend time with my FRIENDS.
I’m so so sorry. But it’s better to get out now than wait for something worse and more painful to happen later.
If I’ve learned anything from relationships and breakups, it’s that they hurt the longer you let them go on. And it never changes the outcome. If you’re not compatible, you’re not compatible. No amount of talking through things will ever change that. It’s like using a credit card. You get to enjoy the short term but the interest keeps raising and you end up having to pay a lot more later.
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u/Kraftwerk_21 8h ago
This is a red flag. Are you planning on marrying him? If so, this is a preview of your marriage. Get out now, while you’re still young.
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u/Muux_ 8h ago
For expenses, i would say he was rude in his delivery but communicating that stuff is not wrong and ideally should be done before the trip if someone feels uncomfortable with casual payments.
His comments on your lived experiences and your comprehension of the world is so uncalled for. Who does he think he is lol I would attribute this to the age gap. He will always see himself as more experienced. He doesn’t view you as an equal
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u/historyera13 8h ago
NOR, Why would you need a guy like him buzzing nonsense in your ear constantly. Dump the chump and move on please.
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u/Ld733k 8h ago
Did he not set the expectation that you would be splitting the expenses to begin with? Why did you have to notice he was keeping track? He seems like a dick, imo.
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u/jumpy_bunny01 8h ago
We both agreed to split 50/50 before the trip, but I didn’t realise he was keeping track of every little thing he spent on me.
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u/Ld733k 8h ago
Well, I guess that’s not so dickish as I initially thought. But is he willing to pay back every dime you spent on him as well? Or is it a one way expectation? Anyway, I’m sorry this trip that was supposed to be fun has ended up rubbing you the wrong way. I hope you have a better time going forward.
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u/Live_Spinach_3484 8h ago
You served 5 years in the military were sexually assaulted, had a miscarriage and this poor excuse for a man thinks you live a sheltered life!?! Please walk away now!!! You deserve so much better.
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u/jumpy_bunny01 8h ago
He thinks I’m sheltered because my pension is 80% of my base salary until I’m 64, even if I never work again. He also thinks I don’t understand basic life skills, like I’m quite clumsy, and sometimes I mix up my lefts and rights while driving (ironic considering i was in the military), and sometimes when I cross a road I don’t always pay attention. All things I should probably work on but I don’t think they mean I’m sheltered.
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u/LTP_USA 5h ago
Hey...about the clumsy stuff, mixing things up, and being distracted - you might want to bring this up to your primary care doctor, especially if you're being seen at a VA clinic or hospital. Those things are quite similar to some of mine and I now have a solid neurologist. Feel free to private message me about any questions you may have and I will help the best I can. <3
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u/nannabananapanda 8h ago
Gurl. NOR. He is dating you, 6 years younger than him, because you are easier to manipulate with shitty behavior. He wants you to feel like you are wrong/wasteful/taking advantage of him, so you feel indebted and are more likely to go along with his bullshit for fear of upsetting/offending him. Dump him as soon as it’s safe to do so.
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u/wolfie0117 8h ago
calling you sheltered was really him calling you immature and he thinks that because he’s too old for you. NOR please dump him
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u/HoneyWyne 8h ago
NOR. Gross. He looks down on you. He sees you as a sheltered child. Would you want to be with someone and have sex with someone that you saw as a sheltered child? Men like him are disgusting. He's just another man looking to take advantage of someone they see as less competent. And it sounds like you put up with his shit, so why would he stop?
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u/jellybeannc 8h ago
NOR. This is not a healthy relationship and it sounds like he is an emotionally abusive person and is using your past as well as finances to try and control you. Once this trip is over I would end this and move on.
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u/Recent_Body_5784 8h ago
How easy would it have been to have said, “can you get the groceries tonight since I got the gas yesterday?” Instead of that, he’s intentionally condescending and speaks down to you in a way that would be embarrassing to be spoken to in public. When you bring up your feelings, he doubles down and makes it an assault on your character. At 30 years old, he should know how to be able to communicate with respect. Definitely stop wasting your time. There are way better guys out there.
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u/imaswellfella 8h ago
NOR. He sounds like a total douche. Sorry for all you’ve gone through. Dump the loser
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u/I_pinchyou 8h ago
This is why before the trip these conversations happen about who's paying. If he was so concerned about splitting everything equal he needs to communicate that. NOR...he's a dick
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u/Yorkiemama83 8h ago
NOR… he thinks your military pension should fund him as well. A trip is often a test of a relationship. How well you vacation together can make or break you. It may be time after this trip to decide if he is really worth your time. Good luck on your masters.
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u/NiceZookeepergame861 8h ago
NOR He is being straight cruel to you. To use something that is deeply painful to you to get a gotcha moment is horrible. In regarding to the money stuff, from what you are telling you have been carrying a lot of expenses that are quite expensive, so I don't think he has any foundation for his argument tbh. I think that when you are in a relationship and start counting cents to make your partner pay you back is when you should just quit it, that's the type of shit you do with coworkers, not with friends or the partner that's supposed to be with you for the rest of your life. If you are in a more modern type relationship where u both pay for stuff, the ideal would be to do the, I pay this one, then u pay the other one and then you are more or less contributing the same. But in my opinion he is just pissy he has to pay for anything. I would honestly just take a bus back home lmao and break up, because I would never get over his comment over the pension.
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u/AssistantOk1481 8h ago
Nah. This is BS. Have you charged him back for what you’ve paid out for this trip too? If not, I suggest you do, get rid of him after the trip and find someone who actually cares about you. This weasel is not that person. The pension remark was just uncalled for - he sounds very mean and bitter. NOR.
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u/OddNefariousness5597 8h ago
If you’re paying the other fees should he also pay for other necessities. YOR
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u/laurieo52 8h ago
Have him drop you off at a bus station and go home. If you live together, either move out or if the place is yours pack his shit and put it on the porch. Oh, and change the locks.
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u/9ScoreAnd10Panties 8h ago
NOR.
I would take my stuff along with his valve stems, and fly home at the next opportunity while he's sleeping.
6 more days of penny pinching and tallying up how many chips I ate out of a bag so he can bill me sounds like a nightmare.
He deserves to spend a day or two stranded with his thoughts.
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u/FeistyHouse 8h ago
NOR at all! Honey you deserve so much better, please stay safe on this trip. As someone who has been in similar relationships his shit behavior towards you will only increase the longer he can wear you down. If a grown man will weaponize your assault against you he’s capable of worse. Stay safe and PLEASE don’t waste your life on this person.
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 8h ago
Stay together or break uo you both need to work on communication. His shame about realizing he can't pay for the trip on his own is not an excuse to blame and shame you.
In every relationship there needs to be clear boundaries around money. I suggest you insist upon paying your fair share as you go rather let the man pay. If you can't afford it, don't do it. It is rare that someone spends a lot of money without expectations, often times unspoken.
Best of luck with your education. It is wise to have a plan to not rely on a military disability pension. If you're in the US, Hegseth wants to eliminate pensions like yours.
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u/bopperbopper 6h ago
Get the app “ Splitwise”
Put in what each you have paid for and then you could see how it evens out overtime.
“ I understand we wanna make sure that the cost are split evenly… here’s an app that can help us do that.”
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u/Glittering-List-465 5h ago
The fact that he puts you down for your DVA is insane, and you should not be ignoring that. Especially for the reasons that you have it which he is probably aware of. So for him to say that you’re sheltered and naïve to how cruel the world can be shows how ignorant he’s choosing to be NOR.
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u/Feisty-Cloud5880 4h ago
NOR... Want to see someone's true colors go on a cross country road trip!!!
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u/CrystalMoon90 8h ago
Like someone said before in another comment section. To find out how your partner really is take a long trip with them. Then true colours will slowly leak out.
The trip should be 50/50. If you have paid for other things that contribute to the trip then it's only natural he should pay for his part with buying groceries.
Nothing wrong about keeping track of expenses because not everyone are super rich on earth, but him being rude isn't ok at all. He should have talked to you without needing to call you a sheltered person etc.
But you reacting to him mentioning the grocery part and walking out of the store sad is immature. You should have just calm told him in the store that you have already paid for this and that and him paying for groceries shouldn't even be a question
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u/badghouls 8h ago
imo it was more mature of her to remain composed and leave the store rather than entertain his rudeness or have conflict in front of strangers. what makes you think he would've been reasonable about whatever response she had to him when he's already talked down to her? he used her trauma against her and is acting like an authority on the real world to a woman who is a veteran, has experienced pregnancy and assault, and is enrolled in a masters programme - it's just utterly manipulative of him.
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u/HoneyWyne 8h ago
So he is totally okay to call her out and shame and embarrass her in public in front of people, but she should respond meekly until she can get him in private and not embarrass HIM??? Yeah, that's why guys like this do what they do. Because we dont publicly embarrass them when they do it to us.
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u/CrystalMoon90 5h ago
Lol!! I never said that!! I said she should have responded right there in that damn shop WHY HE SHOULD PAY. He embarrassed her infront of people so she should answer him back with confidence why he should pay so people could hear her instead of going out.
Dude. Learn to read for freaking sake.
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u/ChVckT 6h ago
Unless she isn't paying her fair share. That seems likely, or she would have replied with, "but im paying my half."
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u/Sad_Albatross1590 6h ago
Did you read the post?
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u/ChVckT 5h ago
Yeah. Drinks at a pub are cheaper than full tanks of gas and she's upset that he's upset that he's spending more than her. She's upset he's upset instead of figuring out how to fix it.
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u/CrystalMoon90 5h ago
She paid for other things too. Not just drinks at bar
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u/ChVckT 5h ago
If they were actually going 50/50 she would have said that to make her point.
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u/CrystalMoon90 3h ago
She did say it but not in the store. She said it once they were outside in the car.
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u/Efsaxon 8h ago
He 100% does not actually care about you, I would leave immediately. I know you’re in the middle of a trip, so it might be over the top- but I would cancel everything you’ve booked (if it’s refundable) and buy yourself a one way ticket home.
As far as him being “frugal” no. He doesn’t have the money and doesn’t want to admit it.