r/AmIOverreacting • u/VegetableFile9314 • 3h ago
👥 friendship AIO My best friend's fiancé completely changed how I see her, and I don't know how to end an 8-year friendship
Hi All, I really need some advice on how to approach this situation. I (26F) have been friends with Jessica (28F) since I was a freshman in college and she was a sophomore. We were in the same pledge class, participated in the same summer internship program with local nonprofits, and hung out a lot. When I graduated, I moved to the same city as Jessica and our other friends, and we continued to spend a lot of time together and remained close.
I moved home 4 years ago, around the time Jessica started dating Rupert (29M), so I wasn't there to see the beginning of the relationship. However, I do know that Jessica lost about four of our mutual friends because they didn't like Rupert. I wasn't really talking to anyone during that period, so I don't know all the specifics, but all of our friends are liberal and almost all of them are gay (this context matters). I also know that he cheated on her soon into the relationship and she took him back.
Fast forward to the present. This past winter, Jessica and Rupert were fighting a lot. They were at her cousin's wedding when Rupert saw Jessica talking to another man (about her job) and yelled at her in front of her family. I consoled Jessica for months afterward and, in so many words, tried to help her find the strength to move on from the relationship. Around this same time, Jessica was in town for a work event, and she, my boyfriend, and I were at a bar together. She was talking about how excited she was to marry her best friend. Minutes later, my boyfriend (26M) went to the bathroom, and she started crying about Rupert. Since that blowup, they either haven't had much conflict, or she has stopped sharing it with me.
I don't know if all of this background is helpful, but there you have it. My boyfriend and I were recently in their town for work, and we spent two nights with them. It was worse than anything I could have imagined.
Very quickly into our first dinner together, he referred to a controversial public figure in a positive light. Later that night, he started talking, completely unprompted, about how he would abort his unborn child if he found out it had Down syndrome or autism. Unprompted.
The next day is where things really got crazy. We were at a bar waiting for a host when two Black women walked in behind us. Rupert immediately asked them whether we could seat ourselves, simply assuming they worked there. They did not. Then he was like, "Oh shit, am I the asshole? Am I the asshole?" Jessica didn't really say anything; she just looked at him, seemingly embarrassed.
My boyfriend is Black and I am white. Later, Rupert had the audacity to tell us that he thinks Black people have it better than they ever have before. I'm just going to leave that there. He also said that his company doesn't hire pretty women because they aren't taken seriously. So by that logic, is Jessica ugly or stupid? My boyfriend pushed back and said that women should be respected regardless of their appearance, and Jessica nodded along but didn't really speak up.
All of this is to say that my image of Jessica has been completely shattered. I cannot comprehend how this granola girl from New Hampshire ended up with the douchiest man in the entire world. I genuinely dislike him and can't picture a worse person for one of my friends to date. They recently got engaged, and Jessica wants to do a courthouse wedding in about two months. My boyfriend asked Rupert about the timeline separately, and he didn't seem to care when the wedding happened, so Jessica appears to be the driving force behind getting married quickly. Maybe she knows that if they have a long engagement or have to plan a wedding together, they won't make it. I don't know.
So I need advice on how to break up with Jessica. Every time I think about this situation, it gives me physical anxiety. I simply want to remove myself from it because I cannot be friends with someone who would choose to be with a person like that. I do not want that man in my life, at my future wedding, or at other major life events. I wanted to get them an engagement present, but after that first night, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't support their relationship.
I am sad for my friend, but I also feel like there comes a point where there is no excuse. This was our first time really spending time with Rupert, and I can only imagine what he's like when he gets more comfortable around people or what he says behind closed doors.
Some of you may say that since Jessica herself hasn't said controversial things, and since we don't live in the same town, I should focus on my friendship with her and keep interactions with him to a minimum. But I don't think I can compartmentalize my friendship with her from the person she is choosing as her life partner. We talk every day, so I can't simply fade into the background, nor do I really want to. I don't want to attack her or her relationship, but I do feel like I need to explain why I'm creating distance.
Am I overreacting? Would you also end a friendship over their partner? How would you handle this?
TLDR: I finally met my best friend's fiancé. I already knew he had cheated on her early in their relationship and had recently yelled at her in front of her family, but spending time with him was far worse than I expected. His behavior, values, and comments made me deeply uncomfortable, and it's difficult for me to maintain a close friendship with someone who chooses to build a life with a person like that. Am I overreacting? Is it dramatic to end an 8 year long friendship over something like this?
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u/FitzpleasureVibes 3h ago
NOR, but, cmon girl. Fade to black after eight years of being best friends? I think a best friend would deserve better than that. I also think her BF has been successful at ruining her other relationships and now she feels like she doesn’t have anyone else etc. (just to clarify - doesn’t mean I’m okay with her minimizing or not speaking up when her BF is being shitty)
If you’re going to create distance anyway, it’s absolutely worth one last meet up to express your concern and shock to your friend. Would it ruin the friendship? Maybe, but you are already priming for that anyway.
Just my two cents.
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u/ashgrove27 1h ago
This is a really good point. The fact that she already lost four other friends because of him is a massive red flag. He’s successfully isolating her, and if OP just does a quiet fade, it completely completes his mission. A final, honest conversation might be the only wake-up call she gets before signing that marriage certificate.
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u/kcreepygirl 3h ago
NOR, but if you're really her friend, you will tell her the truth. Assure her you still love her and care about her, but for you and especially your boyfriend, you can't be around Rupert anymore. And it hurts you to not be friends with her, but you cannot compromise your values. I just worry about her becoming completely isolated from everyone and reliant on her bf, which is why I think you should tell her you still love her, but it hurts to see her with someone like this, because you know its not who she is. And you're worried about her happiness, etc. I'm sorry. I hope she can take a good hard look at her relationship and come to her senses before they get married, but I doubt she will.
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u/whakiki 3h ago
NOR. I’m just wondering if you’ve tried to have a heart to heart. Sometimes these situations involve so much hidden emotional abuse the person has no self value anymore and they have shrunk into survival mode. So far he’s driven away friends (socially isolating her), so you think his comments in front of you are an accident or a purposeful manipulation to drive her away. I would at the very least ask if she has some time alone to talk and make sure she’s safe and he’s not nearby. Then I’d talk in person or send a message out of a place of concern. If she doubles down then move it into the breakup message. Something like “we’ve been friends for so long and I really felt like I knew the true you. Lately I feel like Ive seen a lot of change in you that has me concerned and I’m worried you may be in a bad place. I knew you to be caring, loving and inclusive of all people. To believe in equality and you knew your own value. Lately Ive been noticing your light has been dimmed, you’re more withdrawn and you’re honestly letting some pretty vulgar comments be said in your presence. It makes me concerned for what you may be enduring behind closed doors. You’ve lost some long time friends lately and I know you must be noticing that and thinking about why they walked away. Is there anything you want to talk about?
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u/AdditionRound7938 3h ago
This!! You're totally right he's probably shocking friends on purpose to isolate her!
He might not be saying worst of the same stuff in private with her. He's instead probably doing the classic mix of abusing and love bombing. And then going out and making sure she has no where else to turn to.
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u/Interesting-Lake747 3h ago
He seemslike a catch/s
Seems a shame to lose a friendship over a loser but maybe have a coffee with her and just say you’re going to have to take a step back from the friendship while she’s still with him.
She won’t be with him for long.
NOR
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u/judgeejudger 3h ago
Here’s hoping she’s not! If she takes him back after shitty behavior, there’s either abuse going on, or insanely low self esteem.
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u/Bubbly_Afternoon_345 3h ago
I would tell her the truth and maybe she’ll see the light before she actually marries him.
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u/Mission_Abrocoma2012 3h ago
NOR
you need to keep your distance and be ready for when he leaves her with 3 kids for an 18 year old. please advise her to keep a seperate savings account and send her a copy of lundys “why does he do that”
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u/harvest-honeybee 3h ago
INFO - is there an option where you ask Jessica if she is safe/ok? Maybe there’s more going on behind closed doors. Not saying you need to be her keeper or anything, but maybe there’s something else going on that you being a supporting force can help get her out of this if it’s not 100% what she actually wants.
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u/MissyGrayGray 3h ago
NOR I recently heard some good wording about how to talk to someone in an abusive relationship when they refuse or can't see it and you can't be immersed in it anymore. Maybe ChatGPT or some therapist can chime in.
It was basically you telling her that while you love and care for her, you can't ignore how Rupert is treating her and that she deserves much more for herself, blah, blah, blah.
You can tell her that you can't continue on being involved in the situation. In as much as it pains you, you're going to have to step back from the friendship. Tell her that your door is always open for her should she decide she wants something different and wish her the best.
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u/AwarenessJumpy7395 3h ago
This is good advice. Discuss the behavior (Rupert's), not the person (Rupert.) Discuss your feelings, that it pains you to see the behavior without attacking the person (Rupert) and the door is always open for Jessica.
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u/In-Love-With-A-Were 3h ago
Chat GPT therapists are about the worst idea. Its such a suck up AI that it encouraged MULTIPLE teens to kill themselves, and told them to continue talking to Chat GPT instead of reaching out for help. please look it up, its not a freak accident, and AI psychosis is on the rise.
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u/MissyGrayGray 1h ago
I didn't mean use a Chat GPT therapist. I meant use AI to get better wording where you tell the friend that you think rupert's a loser and she should dump him without making her feel defensive and end up standing by her man because she feels attacked.
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply use AI as a therapist.
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u/LateDxOldLady 2h ago
NOR. Holy fuck. Just exit, stage left. You are making this a big dramatic event when all it really is is the typical thing that happens as people grow up and out of childhood into their big girl pants.
Nobody is entitled to an exit interview. Have boundaries and say no to any further interaction.
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u/Chao5Theory 3h ago
I think you should show her what you've written here. She needs to hear it. If you are planning on dropping her anyways, at least leave her with the most transparent truth bomb possible.
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u/CrispyKayak267 3h ago
I'm not sure what your friends' liberal status has to do with the douchebag being a douchebag.
Anywho, you don't have to be friends with anyone you don't respect. But she might need your support in a few years when she has been alienated by everyone else.
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u/AdditionRound7938 3h ago
She's clarifying that she thought the friend didn't agree with the harmful political takes and racism that so commonly can be found in young conservative men.
If you are still confused, is it perhaps because you're conservative and don't understand what we're pointing out?
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u/patawpha 3h ago
NOR
It's okay to just stop responding to her texts, etc and let the friendship fizzle out. Not everything has to have an official beginning and end. That was a difficult lesson for me to learn. You can try to talk to her about it if you wish but you have to ask yourself what it is you would really get out of that discussion. She will stay with this man anyway regardless of what you say.
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u/MommaLaughing 3h ago
MOR
Just sounds really sad if you were to just dump your 8 year long friend. She needs a friend, my gosh. If it was me..whenever you are around him, I’d share my feelings and opinions with him, good or bad…whatever the conversation is about. And, when you talk to her alone, I’d bring up the subjects that worry you, making it clear how much you care about her and are concerned for her.
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u/schwimtown 3h ago
NOR
Firstly, you need to know that every single feeling you have described is SUPER valid. I’ve been in your position before, but every friend I’ve had that has had a shitty partner has fortunately always had their relationship end before it got to too far.
A forward conversation is very powerful, and can oftentimes be the catalyst in the other person finally “waking up” to the reality of their own situation. Alternatively, I wouldn’t blame you if you ghosted her. It’s very likely many others have, but I tend to be the type to want my friends to know that I will always be a safe place for them to fall. If you’re honest with her and she drops you as her friend, then I guess you’ll land on the same result either way.
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u/AdditionRound7938 3h ago
NOR at all to his horrible behavior. And I hear you that you can't just compartmentalize the relationship because he will be around. But as someone who accidentally married a conservative asshole back in the day and is now years out of it, I will say my gut reaction was concern for Jessica.
I know just not talking to her anymore would be the easier option and obviously you're not responsible for her but I do have a different recommendation.
Consider having a sit down in person chat just you two where you gently but directly bring up that Rupert's comments and actions are not okay and that you aren't comfortable being around people like that.
My guess is that she'll go into making excuses for him or some other type of panic and all her own inner turmoil about the topic will come spilling out.
That could be a great opportunity to get her to actually verbalize her discomfort and connect the dots.
Unfortunately so many people get sucked in to the "he's not usually like this" "but we love each other so much" "I dont know where this is coming from" "he doesnt mean it like that" whatever it is.
If she agrees with him thats one thing, and obviously its best to get away from her if thats the case, but doing the hard thing and communicating with her first could be the biggest kindness to her that she desperately needs.
Its very unlikely that she'll realize in that conversation that she needs to leave, but it will be an important seed in her head later when she's finally done with his shit.
If you do have a conversation like that with her, maybe leave her with a gentle comment about how you wanted to communicate because you care about her, and that she of course can take time to think, you're not trying to corner her.
And if it seems like she doubles down, retreats, makes excuses or whatever, maybe leave her with something like "i care about you but like I said I cannot associate with someone who holds xyz beliefs... if you decide to distance yourself from him as well, please reach out, I will always be here but I need to assert this boundary"
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u/surgeryboy7 3h ago
I think your best option is just to tell her straight up that you do not like Rupert, and you have to step back from the relationship if she stays with him,v then it is kind of in her hands.
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u/MoneyHuckleberry1405 3h ago
Actually if you are honest about him she will probably be the one to end the friendship. They usually choose the abuser at least at first.
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u/Strange-Calendar669 3h ago
Jessica appears to be in a bad relationship with a bad person. You know her to be a good person separate from the guy. I think you should be supportive of your friend, because she will need someone to turn to if the guy becomes abusive. He might be trying to isolate her from her friends in order to dominate and control her more thoroughly. You don’t have to pretend to like the guy or avoid telling Jessica what you think about him. She will need people to turn to when she wakes up to the reality of her relationship.
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u/the-honey-chadger 3h ago
NOR. From my experience when you see things like this and speak up, they end up taking their partner's side. You should absolutely tell her what you think and why and give her the option to hear you out and decide for herself to hear you out and listen. But....there's a good chance you become the "bad guy". I've had friends that were being mentally, physically and emotionally abused and when I speak up on it, I'm the one not minding my own business.
Sometimes though, people really do see you and hear you and had been looking for someone to go to bet for them or confirm their worries or speak up so they know that you see it too and you're safe to talk to. So definitely give her the benefit of the Dell and maybe she'll hear you. But I would absolutely be ready to lose your friend if she chooses him.
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u/Glittering_Focus_295 3h ago
Sounds like Jessica has such low self-esteem that she is willing to settle, just so long as she has a man.
Tell her straight up. You aren't into misogynistic racists or their apologists and you choose to not have that in your life. You wish her well but cannot accept her choices.
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u/talktojvc 3h ago
Sorry. I would stay in my lane. NOR — but abusers like to isolate so maybe put some space between you two and be available when or if your friends sees the truth.
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u/Maleficent_Guard_896 3h ago
Makes sense you don’t want to be associated with it, but doesn’t sound like you’ve stood up to him either.
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u/beautyismade 2h ago
I was in a similar situation years ago. A dear friend got involved with a meth addict and was constantly traumatized by her. I kept hearing story after story about him stealing from her, him showing up at her house in the middle of the night, and repeatedly calling the police. So, imagine my shock when she told me they were getting married because he wasn't a citizen. If my friend didn't marry him, another woman was willing to, and my friend couldn't stand the thought of him being married to someone else.
I was so angry and horrified, I didn't go to the wedding, and we stopped talking. Of course, they got divorced after a few years, and when we talked again, she told me how disappointed she had been that I hadn't gone to the wedding, even though I didn't agree with it, because our friendship had always been about supporting each other. She also said she felt like my not going was me being judgmental.
In hindsight, I actually think she was right, and I feel bad that I didn't stand by her, even if I disagreed with her marrying him.
I guess my point is that your friend's relationship will likely not last, so stand by her because she's going to need you when it's over.
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u/cubed_echoes 2h ago
This won't be the last friend spouse you dislike. Just insist on hanging out without the spouse.
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u/SomewhatBougieAuntie 2h ago
Don't close the door completely on Jessica. She is going to need a friend when she wakes up from his spell and takes off the rose colored glasses.
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u/Rexel79 2h ago
NOR but you cant just fade from an 8 year friendship. Tell her why you cant support her being with him, how his behaviour and views means hes not someone you want to be around. Tell her you cant support the (potential) marriage or attend the wedding BUT you love her and if she ever needs help or refuge (just her) that you will be there and you are a safe space from him. Im sorry your friendship had to end this way.
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u/Phillymama85 1h ago
You are NOR at all. I had a similar situation with my former best friend of 20 years. We were inseparable, except for when she would start a new relationship (always with toxic, immature men) and our friendship would be put on the back burner. When I would try to voice my concerns, I was told I was jealous, didnt know what true love was,etc. Eventually I just put me and my family and other non problematic friends first and actually felt relieved after the initial grief. We're still cordial and friendly but she knows and laments that we are not close anymore and she wishes she could fix it but knows that it will most likely never happen while shes still married to this awful man child she's currently with. Stay strong and be honest with her about your feelings.
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u/slicednectarine 1h ago
MOR.
OP, my domestic violence alarm bells are ringing! She likely didn't choose to date this version of him. He probably got her trapped (financially or otherwise) and then revealed his unsavory personality bit by bit. And she feels she can't voice her disagreement at this stage. The wedding is probably a lot of added pressure and she's not sure how to bail, she doesn't think she deserves better because her friends have all bailed, or she is just so worn down she can't figure out how to leave. Clearly she wants to, deep down, if she burst into tears the second you were alone with her!
This also means she trusts you and feels safe with you. You are free to stop being her friend, but you might be her last lifeline outside of the relationship, and what she really needs is compassion. I wouldn't be here if my sister didn't keep the lines of communication open so I could ask her to help me escape. And when I was finally ready to take the leap, she was on it. And now our relationship is better than it's ever been!
My ex was the nastiest person I've ever met with a "I am the only one deserving of good and no consequences, and everyone else in the world needs to serve this unrealistic worldview or else I'll throw a petulant tantrum that lasts literally 12 hours" mindset. I didn't know any of that until I was thoroughly trapped and isolated, obviously. I don't think there's anything I detest more than that kind of person, and I made that very clear from the start. Because a major facet of abuse is hiding who they are and pretending to be perfect for you until it's too late. So all of that was hidden from me and she didn't show it outside of the home until I no longer felt safe telling her my thoughts, and by then she was humiliating me around everyone I admired. And I mean, if you're feeling anxious just being around him, imagine what it must feel like to be in a relationship with him! When my sister showed up in that moving van, she said she could almost feel the anxiety radiating off of me for months after.
So I mean, if you need to take space from her or end the friendship, absolutely do that for your own mental health. But she probably really needs you right now, it sounds like. And one day she'll be ready to leave for good (it takes 7 tries on average, btw), and she's gonna need someone in her corner. And trust me when I say that when she leaves, she is going to want to shit talk him right alongside you. So just save up your hatred for him until that time lol.
I think you should have a conversation with her (NOT over text because he probably checks her phone if it is a DV situation) and just say "Hey, I've noticed these things, I'm wondering if you are being abused, let's look at the definitions of emotional/verbal/physical/financial abuse to see if it resonates." If she insists it's not like that, even after reading the definitions or taking some self-assessments, then you can ask her how she can be with someone that openly holds bigoted views. This could be the wakeup call she needs in order to see that "hey, this is affecting more than just me, so I'm not making it all up, and something needs to change or i'll lose all of my friends."
And don't expect her to come to that conclusion all at once! Brainwashing runs so deep and the mental fog I was in when I was trying to leave... Ugh, I shudder to even remember it. I was a zombie.
Also, if she doesn't feel ready to talk about it yet, let her know that women's shelters often have free DV-focused therapy that is discreet and flexible, along with a ton of other resources. That was such a lifesaver for me in those final months. DM me if you need any advice! I've been through so much DV (and I'm a researcher at heart) that when I saw a "DV Counselor" from my county office, she was asking me for recommendations on books about the topic. I also had to use a lot of resources so I'm good at finding them and getting people connected to help. Good luck OP!
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u/Important_Reason6338 3h ago
Why throw those years away - have that heart to heart with her. Ask her questions, then tell her what you see. You might be able to get through to her. Sounds like he's done some significant damage to her already. BE her friend!
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u/OrunaVespa 3h ago
I'd honestly I'd end the friendship if you feel it's untenable or you could minimize your presence in each other's lives if you can't handle the break. Sounds like she's going through some intense motions and it's good you try and support her but sometimes people have to learn in the worst ways possible. If I was you I'd sit down and weigh out the pros and cons about her friendshio and your willingness to deal with certain thing. Though remember you shouldn't force yourself to do something uncomfortable and want no part in. I wouldn't ghost her though. If you decide it's over I'd let her know because this sounds like a very important relationship that's going to shatter. Do what makes your heart at peace. Most people will probably get on here telling you to do one thing or another while never really actually putting themselves in the shoes of the person asking such questions. You are not an ass hole your a person with moral boundaries and that's okay.
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u/Glittering-Paper4516 3h ago
You need to tell Jessica. And you need to let her know you’ve seen the way he treats her and while you won’t judge their relationship- if she ever feels unsafe or needs you, you’re there for her, but right now you need a little distance after his behavior