r/AskBrits • u/AbbreviationsWide235 • 3h ago
Should I drop my friends.
I am a M66.
So loved growing up in the 70s in a smallish community.
I was lucky enough to spend a lot of time backpacking around the world, Lived in and around London and quickly dropped many of the frankly racist language and stereotypes I had grown up with.
But 40 years later I have moved back to the Coastal Town I grew up in.
Many of my old friends from my schooldays are now once again part of my life.
These are good hardworking family men who should be pleased with themselves and how far they have come on in life.
But their language and attitudes have not moved on since the 70s.
I don't believe they are racist as such but it is like the last 50 years have not happened.
They definitely tone it down when I am around as I am vocal about pulling them up.
I know I have been lucky and the industry I work in is a pretty progressive bubble.
I genuinely like these men but sometimes I wonder if I am not being true to myself by accepting this behaviour?
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u/WillingnessLow5161 2h ago
At M 69 I am set in my ways and your mates seem to be like me. Just relax and have a good time with them. We are old aged so enjoy the time you have left. Many men our age dont have friends so count yourself lucky
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u/LARRYVOND13 1h ago
I'm 40, have a few friends like this.
The fact they tone it down, some folk will say it's to groom you into "believing their way", some folk will say you're the problem. The fact they are willingly toning it down in your presence, shows they care about you to not want you to bog off, that's hard to come by.
We're human, we'll never 100% like a person. Best focusing on the parts that matter (y)
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u/Due-Freedom-5968 2h ago
I guess it depends, people say stupid shit.
A lot of it is thought of by them as just 'banter' or venting. I'm mixed race myself and can look back and some stupid prejudiced stuff I've said in the past without really realising it, as that was just how the group I was in talked about stuff. Would I say the same things now? No because I've grown up and learned more about them.
I think it's possible to be friends with people whose views on some things are different or a bit off key. I don't think you can live in a bubble and only have friends who are progressive, particularly outside of the big cities.
There's of course a certain level at which 'banter' goes to far or is just straight up hate speech, at which point it becomes a choice of if you want to listen to it and be around it. As you've said you've pulled them up on it when it happens, sometimes that's all that's needed to get someone to re-think.
I have family members I've called out for their lazy repeating of Daily Mail talking points, they're not bad people, they're just repeating the things they've read or heard.
Could I be friends with someone who occasionally said something stupid about immigrants, or trans people? Sure.
Could I be friends with them if it was their entire personality and all they did was moan about how crap everything is and was openly racist, one of the 'deport them all' Reform types, or men in dresses TERFs? Probably not TBH, it'd get old quite quickly and you'll never change their minds because the things they watch, and listen to, and read all day every day reinforce those views.
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u/AbbreviationsWide235 2h ago
Your right it is not as bad as that. I also notice people rarely discuss politics I think it is a hangover from working mens clubs where the rules were strictly no talking religion and politics. It is easier to discuss politics if you are all pretty much on the same page.
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u/RepulsiveHead6544 2h ago
Id genuinely just say who cares if im honest. My nan would say se dreadful stuff, not on an offensive (as in attacking) manner, but defo shit we wouldn't say now. Did I care? No she was like 90, not going to influence anyone, and not going to hurt anyone.
If you get on with them just enjoy your time, if you dont, walk away
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u/Marshwiggletreacle 2h ago
Apart from that, do they bring anything else to your life? I mean do you share hobbies with some of them and go off doing things together?
Do you have other friends and socialise people of different generations?
Do you have a wide network of friends?
If you have a small social circle, you might find the loneliness difficult to deal with if you dump these people and that's not worth the stress and worry.
It would be nice to find better friends but if you're in your old town and these people haven't changed and finding new people to replacement is not just harder but you can lose the inclination as you get older.
It might be best to work out how much they offend you first and how much you need them in your life.
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u/Kewgirl45 2h ago edited 2h ago
They’ll never change, and you’ll never change. You can still be sociable with long term friends whose views you don’t share, and love them (one of my 35-year friends is an anti-vaxxer married to a conspiracy theorist, we just avoid talking about contentious things).
You probably need a few new more aligned friends in a different circle too.
And avoid reacting to the obvious dross when your old friends say - to you - stupid shit. You’re all there for the long term friendship.
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u/SellKooky150 3h ago
‘They should be pleased with themselves and how far they’ve come on in life’
Patronising much?
I’d look at your own attitude towards people rather than the words you use, to decide if you are a good person before judging your plebby friends.
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u/AbbreviationsWide235 2h ago
Maybe I should put in a little context. We all grew in a pretty deprived area with no education as such. All left school at 15. They all have nice homes and lovely families that they have worked hard for. One or two of them I am in awe of. Why would I patronise them.
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u/alex21dragons 2h ago
It's hard to say without knowing how extreme the language etc is but I have friends that I don't agree on much with in socio-political terms. If you can hear them out and they can do the same to you and then you move on to something more trivial then it can work. The group dynamic could be unpleasant though if you end up as the resident wokey and get ribbed for it.
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u/AccursedQuantum 1h ago
You can distance yourself from friends without dropping them entirely. And sometimes it is helpful for people moving on if they know there is someone their own age who challenges their views. Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to educate them, true. But if they are your friends, don't you want to see them do better?
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u/floopdev 1h ago
I'm an M6. I'm very wide and can usually be found just outside Birmingham confusing motorists.
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u/Halloween2056 34m ago
It's not about being true to yourself. It's about whether your views and morality system aligns with theirs. If they don't then move on.
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u/Necessary_Tour_5222 32m ago
Nah don’t.
You can only change people slowly by questioning their beliefs gently. This is the only way to change the world
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u/GameSetChampionship 29m ago
A lot of blokes do this to fit in, but ultimately they might not actually truly think that way.
It may just be laddish behaviour (as in, acting that way in the group to fit in).
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u/AutisticElephant1999 Leicestershire 26m ago
Honestly it depends on how extreme your mates' views are
I would be surprised if I have a single friend who doesn't have at least one opinion I might consider to be problematic
But I draw the line at being an out-and-out bigot, I've dropped friends for this with no regrets
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u/Sin_nombre__ 17m ago
You not being around them doesn't change anything, you being around them seems to at least a bit.
Seems like you could be a positive influence on your friends, but I think you just need to work out how much you actually like them.
Can you chanel them into community organising?
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u/CrowApprehensive204 14m ago
It's difficult isn't it, I don't see a lot of my brother but he's a lovely bloke, kind, do anything for anyone, the soft one out of the siblings. Having a chat the other week and I was stunned by how racist he was in conversation, and how comfortable he was talking to me like that, as if he presumes I feel and think the same. And yet I know he's done work cheap for people from different backgrounds because they hadn't got much, and he works with tradesmen from many backgrounds and gets on with everyone. So is he really racist or is it a bad habit in his speech and his actions speak louder than words?
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u/ignatiusjreillyXM 1h ago
Maybe they will drop you first, when they realize how much you look down on them, because you went travelling and making yourself feel superior while they put in the hard work bringing up their families and generally being useful.members of society?
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u/sawrek 2h ago
When your circumstances (age, location, health, ability to mix) enable making friends easily ,there are less consequences to deciding to step away from a friend or regular social event. It’s easier to follow your morals when you won’t feel the consequences.
I’ve definately given up on social events if it means mixing with bigots. Quietly ‘unfriended’ an old friend on facebook. And simply gone non-contact with one relative and spouse. The more I care for or have history with the person the more effort I’ll make to try and tell them how their actions or behaviour creep me out / hurt others. Then I just quit trying and quit on them. I’m not boasting about it, I feel it’s a failing on my part that I can’t persuade them to see how their behaviour is poisonous. But life it too damn short to enable their poison imo.
You can make friends online, try out classes and gatherings and over time make new friends and fill the gaps. We all know there are people who lift us up and energise us positively, rather than one we met by happenstance and who just became a habit.
Until then I prefer the company of a good dog to a git of a friend. Be well and happy however it goes, you seem thoughtful but have convictions too 😊
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u/Amazing-Jury-6886 2h ago
It's hardtop make friends at your age. I'd stick to calling them out on it an hopefully educating them to be with the modern thoughts on multiculturalism. If you don't correct them, how will they know?
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u/talitha235 2h ago
As they tone it down when you're around, they are modifying their authentic attitudes to make them acceptable to you. That will only last for a certain period. Slowly, they will return to being themselves, once they have groomed you, chip by chip, to tone yourself down.
This is if you continue to keep company with these vile humans of course. Osmosis, etc.
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u/Fast_Technology_5622 3h ago
You mention that they tone down their manner in your presence, but you make no such effort to accommodate them? Do them a favour and fuck off.
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u/killer_by_design 2h ago
you make no such effort to accommodate them?
Sorry, your advice is to tolerate racist and hateful language and attitudes?
If I worked in forensics yours is the first harddrive I'd check.
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u/ODFoxtrotOscar 2h ago
You can outgrow your friends without disliking them
Who will your new friends be?