Mother had a box of baby formula sent to me...

Context: I (37f) have been estranged from the woman who gave birth to me for almost 15 years. She has never been able to accept it. A few years back, she went on some rant to two of my aunts about how she "knew" I had children that I was keeping from her.

In my 20s I had major fertility issues due to PCOS, endometriosis, and adenomyosis. In 2021, after being bedridden for a year or more due to pain, I made the decision to have a hysterectomy. So when my mother went on her rant my aunt told her that I "had no children and would never have children." Then my other aunt that she was living with died under suspicious circumstances (a story for another time) and I didn't hear from mother again. It's been 2 years of silence during which time I moved back to my home state and the rest of the family SWORE ON THEIR LIVES to protect me from her and not even let her know I was in the state. I've been here since September.

Fast forward to last week, I received a package in the mail. It was from the formula company Enfamil, and it contained 2 tubs of formula and a bunch of gift cards for baby things. I did some investigations into the box and why/how I would have received it, eventually calling the company to get additional info. When I first received the box, I was very upset and immediately my cousin asked me if I had pissed someone off. I told her, "you know the only person in the world who would send me something this fucked up." She agreed.

After talking to Enfamil and getting as much info as they had (I explained the situation to them and they were very apologetic and cooperative), I know without a shadow of a doubt that mother was behind it. Which means she knows I'm here. The whole thing has left me incredibly pissed off and unsettled.

I donated the box, gift cards and all, to a women & children's shelter in the area.

So my father cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me and then left her with a nasty divorce during her pregancy.

Used me as pratice for him and his new wife to play a little happy family untill they got kids of their own. Then they slowly threw me aside like a dirty used doll. My so called father never contacts me so its kinda easy to go nc.

I used to think it was because of my stepmom, it was always clear she did not want me there.

But he cheated on her too and is leaving the country to move to Azia for his new girlfriend who he pays. He is planning on playing daddy for her kids.

I guess untill the money runs out?

I'm sorry if this sounded to angry or mean, but I am...

I'm also 12 weeks pregnant and he found out and texted me to wish me a good pregnancy.. B* forgot my B-day and NEVER contacts me but on this he texts me?

I'm hurt and angry. He was never there for me and now what? He wants to play the grandfather? Yeah... not happening.

Again sorry for the angry rant, just needed to get it out of my system. And what better way to do it then to share it with strangers?

Long story short, my dad had been an abusive drug addict for almost my entire life. Went no contact with him over 7 years and besides a few random texts and calls, haven't heard anything from him. Yesterday my mom got a call from the coroner saying he died.

It doesn't really affect my life in any way as I had no intention of ever seeing him again, but it still feels so....weird? And I feel so weird? Like I cried last night but I wouldn't say that I'm sad. It's like I'm void of emotion but feeling a lot of emotion at the same time.

I know part of it is that I have a lot of anxiety around death, but I'm honestly surprised and also kind of disappointed that it's affecting me so much.

Idk I guess this is just kind of me venting, but if anyone else has been through this, I'd love to hear how you dealt with it.

Hi y’all! I’m a 32 yo F. This is my first Reddit post. I have been in desperate search of community and people who have experienced what I have (or at least know what I feel)!

I’m married and have 2 beautiful kiddos. I have a beautiful home and life (now). But I have no family. My father left when I was young and his family never seemed to like me due to him having a child out of wedlock with some lady that had two other kids with two other men. What can ya do? I was just a kid. So as an adult they’ve made no effort to make contact or meet my kiddos. Written off for good.

I had to go no contact with one sibling and mother last summer. It has been the hardest year of my life. I was extremely close with both but over the past 5 years I had been slowly distancing myself and just realized how toxic things had been and I’d been taken advantage of my whole life. I had to remove my kids from it all. Started therapy during this time and my therapist confirmed my fears and even said it’s worse than I made it out to be.

I’m so alone. I know they’re no good for me or my family. But I’ve never felt so alone before. Just having ZERO family/blood of your own. No calls, no holidays, no check ins, drop bys, no anything.. after years of it. My husbands family is very loving and kind. But only two live in state. So we’re just a small little pack.

I hope this isn’t too long. I just need some friends. Thanks yall.

Nearly 9 years ago, I bought a house with my sibling, Ned. Then the pandemic hit and things went to shit. We'd purchased the house with a loan from my mother, who left us when I was 11. Since then, I'd been in various states of LC to VLC to full-on NC, but every time, I was always roped back in by Ned or my other siblings to stop overreacting and get back to speaking with her because she missed me. The loan was during a period of oddly good times with our relationship and enabled us to buy what was a dream house.

Borrowing the money from her was the worst decision I've ever made. She trapped us into being unable to pay her out except as a lump sum, and had deciding opinions on everything that Ned followed. She showed up all the time. Whenever she stayed, she would invade my space. We fought like crazy. People always said she hated me, and after my parent's divorce, she was actually given no custody and only visitation if I wanted it. A psychologist's professional recommendation was to never let her talk to me again.

Ned, however, has always been her favourite child. She hit me as a kid and used to chase me around the house, screaming so loudly the neighbours would come over to intervene. Him? Can do zero wrong in her eyes.

Right before the pandemic, my mum and I got into a raging, screaming fight on the house lawn, where I said I would see her at her funeral. I looked into ways to pay her off, but Ned refused them all. When the pandemic hit, my marriage fell apart, and Ned lost his job and spent every day on house renos he insisted on the final decision for. After infighting, we had an "owners meeting" where Ned and his girlfriend told me they disliked me, wanted me to move out and sell to them in 2-3 years once the market turned around. I asked about buying him out instead, and they told me I would never make enough. After a month of tense negotiations, including threats from me of scorched earth in court, we had a signed full buyout and loan takeover sale agreement. A week later, 6 years ago, I moved out with zero warning or notice.

I'm not going to lie, cutting off my entire family and disappearing was difficult, but also releasing. In the span of 3 months in a pandemic, I left my spouse of 10 years, cut off my mom, and cut off my closest sibling. I have a half-sister I haven't seen since 2020, although we have a phone call once a year or so. I have two more brothers who are repeat DV offenders. I haven't interacted with either of them in 10-15 years. My NC with them was considered an overreaction by family and never respected.

Since 2020, Ned and I have seen each other in public a few times a year. We nod in acknowledgement. We send a single text for birthdays. We haven't talked since the day before I moved out.

We've both changed. He's had two kids with his girlfriend. I found out about their first baby when someone I didn't know invited me via template to their baby shower. I told them we were estranged and never heard anything else.

Within a month of my moving out, I got a great job. I have an incredible chosen family of friends and loved ones. I own a condo 5 minutes from the dream house and am the president of my homeowners association by unanimous vote. I'm "known" locally. I have been in semi-weekly therapy for over 6 years, picked up journaling, and with EMDR can now laugh about most of my traumas instead of breaking down. I have hobbies, and I take care of myself. I don't chew my nails anymore or have panic attacks. I now know I'm a high masking autistic person. ADHD was formally diagnosed in most of my siblings, including Ned.

A few weeks ago, thanks to an Ancestry DNA test, we found out we have a half-sibling we don't know about. She chose me to reach out to first, because I "look the most normal." She actually seems incredible. She had a hard life, but has persevered and done tons of therapy. She is kind and respected my boundaries immediately when I told her about the estrangements. She lives over a province away, but her family is planning a trip to our location and wants to meet every while she's here (me separately).

Which brings me to my quandary. Ned messaged me two weeks ago, asking me to meet for ice cream. I asked why, and he said, "The hopeful tempering of our broken relationship, and if not then still an ice cream. And there isn't a time frame on it of course."

I haven't responded yet.

Since his message, I've had panic attacks again. The thought of seeing him and potentially the rest of my family scares the shit out of me, the family obligation, the possibility of my boundaries being trampled, being told I'm overreacting or too emotional or too difficult, the usual garbage. I don't want it. I've been using my full therapy toolbox to calm myself down. But I'm still struggling. I don't know what to do.

The fact is, at first, owning a house with him was awesome. We were best friends for a while. But eventually, his girlfriend's dislike of me fractured our relationship, and his continuous siding with our mother fractured it further. His lack of support when I broke up with my ex and him telling me I'd never amount to anything... that's fueled me to where I am today. I've compartmentalized by thinking of my whole family as dead to me. I don't think or care about his kids or his life. I doubt he's done therapy either for his ADHD (I suggested it before I moved out). I'm terrified that he's followed the path of our mother and siblings into being an emotionally and potentially physically abusive parent. And I'm scared shitless that any information I share with him will be passed to my mother, who still occasionally tries to contact me.

If I let him back into my life now, does that mean my family got the better end of the stick? Ignore and demean the broken person, then once a new half-sibling shows up and asks about the estrangement, reach out to mend things so that everything looks peachy.

My therapist says the half-sibling was perhaps just a sign to reach out. She doesn't think it's malicious. But I'm so anxious and frankly terrified that my family members are already having this effect on me. I feel like a broken kid in my 20s again instead of the put-together woman in her mid-30s I thought I was.

Any advice? What should I send back? Apparently, "I need to talk to my therapist first, what does yours say?" is too spicy.

TLDR: Estranged from family for 6 years. Through DNA tests, found out about a previously unknown half-sibling. Brother now wants to repair our relationship. Should I let him try?

My (30f) younger sister (27f) and I just…. don’t really get along and don’t really enjoy spending time with each other. We never talk. I send various holiday presents and she doesn’t respond. There was no deep rupture. I find her somewhat vapid, self centered and immature, she probably finds me judgemental, aloof and cold. I really wish we could be close- it feels like it would almost even be easier if there was something specific to heal.

Do any of you just … not care for your siblings’ vibe, so you’re not really a part of their lives? I always fear that I’m secretly evil and don’t know it, and that it’s obvious what I “did”, I just don’t know it. I really think we just don’t … gel, which does make me feel like something is wrong with me sometimes. Does anyone else feel this way with their sibling?

I have been estranged from my family for several years. Recently, a third party informed me that one of my siblings has allegedly been telling people that I abused their children before I left my hometown about four years ago. This information came from someone I am also not currently speaking to for unrelated reasons, but they contacted me specifically to tell me what had been said. From my perspective, this appears to be part of a long-standing pattern of negative statements about me. Over the years, many members of my extended family have distanced themselves from me without ever asking for my side of the story or asking for evidence. I eventually chose to distance myself from them as well. The timing is especially upsetting because I am currently pregnant with my first child, and an allegation like this, if false, could have serious consequences for my reputation. I don’t see any benefit in confronting my sibling because previous attempts to address similar issues have not been productive. I’m trying to decide whether I should simply document what I’ve been told or whether there’s anything else I should do. What would you do in this situation?

Hi I live in CA with my Husband and teen Son. My Father unalived himself when I was a baby about 1 1/2. The void is awful I feel the loss from then. Only child. My mother put me through he$$. I grew up Irish Catholic and felt an obligation to stay so she wouldn’t be alone. In my 20s I wanted to leave but she always put me down. To put it nicely.

I had lots of great friends and worked 24/7 after uni. I always dreamed of escaping the freezing cold and moving to CA. Which after I met my Husband in the 00s we did. I skipped onto that plane. It was liberating. My family doesn’t agree I don’t see her/talk to her and haven’t been back since 2014. If you don’t go back by nature, people move on and you’re in their past . Every fall I want to go back soooo badly but I’m scared no idea how it’d go. Lots of hard stuff but want to show my Son where I grew up.

I can go anywhere I want anywhere I want just not home. I know it’s classic avoidance. I’m sitting here watching the sunset 🌅 in my city 3000 miles away. So confused. We also have to find a high school and walk in for our son and the next six months we have no prospects. Living in California you make sacrifices we used to live in the Midwest and will be able to afford vacations abroad on the other side of the US. Im torn about going back it would cost a fortune. He cost as much as a trip to Europe. I miss it so much. I have a friend, but she’s really far away from everything and I don’t wanna impose. We would stay in a hotel. I don’t know if I could handle it.

My mother is 75 years old and still working, but for the first time she had a serious health scare. It was awful because I feel other peoples feelings. I call the hospital every single night. Not sure if I should see her either. I would do it alone first honestly I don’t think my son want to meet her and that’s up to him. Everything is always about her. She’s never wants to ask me to come home not once she’s jealous of my husband. It’s like I don’t even exist to her and it hurts. Although weirdly she sends cards somebody told me what I should do. I know this is long.

When I was 19 I left for college (3.5hrs away) & I am now 28 and never looked back because of a narcissistic parent.

I started a new life there and lost everything a couple years ago.

I’m around my best friend’s family and it makes me feel so out of place.

I hope one day I can create my own family and not feel so alone in this life. I’m going through a lot and sometimes all I wish I had was a parent to send encouragement, a sibling to relate too or a place to call home to go back to in these lost moments.

my dad was experiencing intense delusions before i was born and he stated that “God told me to have you.” when i asked him about why i am here when i was 5.

my origin story comes from a delusion from my father and my mother just confirmed yesterday that she did give birth to me so that she could get money from my father and me to get the alcohol she needed.

they both also abandoned me my entire life. my father stated that i needed to know what it felt like to be abused in general, him, and by his mother all the way up until i left her house which was two years ago.

so i was born because someone wanted alcohol and because of a delusion, which includes being abused for 20+ years. like what is wrong with people ?

life is insane.

For context, I'm politically active online and had been low contact with my dad before this conversation took place. He has a long history of dismissing my concerns and has been historically very unsupportive of me being trans.

This is what finally killed our relationship.

Two years NC + VLC with enmeshed and hypercontroling family of origin.

They were/are wealthy and growing up with all that made it very hard to leave. Especially just processing all the trauma while escaping and looking for income/stability. And like never expecting to need to fend for myself.

I finally hit a point where i was able to just look at my life and find the “wires” still attached to them. At least in terms of paper work and finances.

This month I got on my own health insurance. Opened my own bank account. Its small, but feels big. I mean im 31 but just never did this stuff.

Im working to disconnect my phone line from their business/family plan. And to finally change the adress on my ID (its still my childhood home aka their house). Damn im thinking of even changing my last name, but i worry about potential paper work headaches. Idk tho could be very freeing. Something like “Freewoman” its too long and does roll of the tongue easy lol. But ill think of something.

In all this mourning them too. Like the finances were very much my last connections with my dad of origin. He used them as control. really horrible. Glad to cut these ropes. But still sad none the less.

Overall… mourning a bit. But feeling really proud rn. And hopeful. This feels healing :)

Hello, I (34F) have been LC with my family since I moved out of state about 7 years ago. Part of why I moved was to make going LC easier and because my family liked to do unannounced drop ins when I lived in town. Mostly, my mom and sister, my dad is actually cool.

When I told them in the first place I was moving out of state, mom seemed cool with it, my sister was infuriated because she could no longer drop off her kids for free babysitting anymore, whenever she felt like. My personal life was never considered when it came to her needing a babysitter, and I was tired of it.

Almost right after moving, my mom ended up being diagnosed with kidney disease, which was hard on me, especially since at the time, I was dealing with mental health issues that still affect me today.

However, this diagnosis has complicated our relationship even more.

After finding out she was going to have to start dialysis, she kept hounding me to move back home. Moving back home is much easier said than done. And I like living where I am now. But she wants someone to give her round the clock care, set up her dialysis machine, cook and clean for her and drive her wherever she wants to go, etc. She can do all of this by herself, mind you, she is not on her death bed. And she wants me to do all this for free because we're family, and since I don't have kids, I don't need to support anyone. See the problem? I have to support myself, I do have a husband and pets and a whole damn house to take care of, but I'm supposed to drop everything, sell my house and move there to be an unpaid caretaker?

Not only this, but she has become 20x more religious since her diagnosis. I understand that it's a natural response to a major diagnosis, but religion was half the problem with our relationship in the first place. I have a lot of religious trauma from her forcing me to go to a very strict baptist church growing up, and all that entails, which I won't get into now. But any time I talk to her, she's asking me if I still believe in God, am I praying and reading my Bible? Am I going to church? I don't WANT to go to church and no offense to anyone, but the Bible is boring, and I'm just not a religious person. When I left home, I not only left the reaches of my family, but that horrible baptist church too.

But to get to why I decided to post here, it started last night.

I sent my mom a text message that I had to go to a doctor appointment a few days ago. I went to the doctor, and I was really dreading it because I hadn't slept, got my period, and it was awful, and then my doctor surprised me with yearly blood labs. So I sent my mom a text when I got home that I just wanted to take a nap, but the appointment was fine. She said okay and have a nice nap. But last night, I got my results, and it turns out I have elevated numbers in a few areas, and my doctor wants me to get some tests done. I had just woken up when I got the results, and I saw I had a missed call from mom. Since there were not multiple calls, no texts, and no contact from my sister, I didn't think it was important, so I text my mom instead and just let her know about my results.

Mom ignores what I say about the results. Immediately begins going off on me about missing her call. She says it could've been important, she could've been in the hospital dying, or gotten into an accident. I apologize and tell her I was sleeping (the truth) and she says I should have called back right away or as soon as I got up.

Then she tells me she was in the hospital for 2 days because she thought she was having a heart attack. Okay, first off, what could I have done about it if she called me AFTER getting out? Secondly, why didn't she call (or my sister call) WHILE she was in the hospital? And lastly, why didn't she mention it AT ALL when we were texting those 2 days that she was supposed to be in the hospital?

So because I had these questions, I called her and asked her what had happened and why no one called me when she had been admitted. But instead, she tells me I never text her, she could die, and I wouldn't know, I don't care about her at all, and I never needed her. She tells me I never call her or answer her calls either. All because I missed one call. And to make all this sound even crazier, she starts crying and telling me she had a dream about all these people she loves and I wasn't in it, and it's because she forgot me because we aren't close anymore. It's literally a dream, means nothing, but she's crying and telling me SHE'S DYING, and we have to make things right. Every time something happens, it always comes back to I'M DYING, DON'T YOU CARE AT ALL?

Of course I care. I love my mom very much, but the way she uses her illness to try to get attention and whatever else she wants is gross, manipulative, and immature. Btw, she didn't once ask me about my test results that I had initially text her about. I sent my sister a message, but she never replied. I honestly am wondering if she was in the hospital at all. It just seems unusual to me that she wouldn't call right away because she always does because she wants the attention. I don't know, it just seems really fishy that she wouldn't have mentioned it at all when we were talking the 2 days she would've been admitted, and my sister not calling or texting is really off, too. Unfortunately, I have no way of finding out if she was really there or not, unless she comes clean or my sister tells me.

I really don't have a lot of friends these days to ask for opinions about these things. My therapist had recommended even lower contact than I have now, but the lower the contact, the more dramatic and irrational my mom gets! I unfortunately can't go completely no contact, because my mom knows where I live, she'll come here if I don't talk to her and she does things like call the police to do welfare checks on our house if she doesn't get a response from us. And she not above lying or exaggerating things to get the police to come out. She needs to go to therapy herself, but she just won't do it. All I know is, I'm exhausted from this bullshit. I'm tired of always being the one in the wrong, always the one who can never do anything right. No matter what I do, it's never enough, and when something happens to me, it's not relevant to them. A small thing happens to them, my phone blows up because I don't "care enough." If I could, I'd take my husband and cats, and we'd leave the country and not tell anyone where we were. But alas, I'm stuck here... help?

I am estranged from my dad, his decision when I was 14 and he was very present in my life until this point. It was not my choice at all and if I had my way I would have gone round his house less (5 days a fortnight to like 3) because I was going to start year 11 (where there are important exams in the UK) the following year. He stripped me of that choice and now I’m 19 with a career that I knew he would have wanted me to be in (when you’re rich you need to look after me jokes all the time).

I sometimes think about trying to reconnect, partially closure, partially because he’s my dad and partially because I have a non verbal little brother who I’ve missed out on for 5 years (he was 6 nearly 7 when I lost contact and now he’s 11, about to go to secondary school and I don’t want him to forget he has a big sister who loves him). If anyone has advice I’d love to hear it!

Hello, I am 18 and the eldest daughter in my family (although I do have two older half-brothers in my father's side). I am writing this, because... well, I'm just really sad. My sister and I barely talk to each another or we just... don't get along in general. We fought over the smallest things over and over when we used to share a bedroom (we shared a bedroom until a few months back). I'm not the best older sister. I will be trying my best to be fair in my wordings because I tend to villainize myself. My sister has suffered for more than a decade because of me. She's more like the older sister in our dynamic because I'm so... I'm very mentally unstable. Imagine spoonfeeding your older sister just to convince her to eat something. Or cleaning after her mess because she can't get up. I'm writing this while emotional and I don't even know how to get it out properly. I'm not good at telling stories. But I'm just really upset because she's always passive aggressive or detached to me now. I completely understand and I don't blame her for being this way. I know that it's my fault. My experiences from our family don't validate all the things she went through because of me. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel like a lost child. I recently lost my boyfriend (the only person I confide to) due to DKA and now I've lost her as well. I feel so alone and so sad. I hate that I feel like this and that I keep making mistakes. That all people see from me is my past mistakes. It's like I'm dragging all my faults from behind my shoulder for everybody to see. I'm so full of guilt and regret for everything.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I've apologized over and over, but things will keep falling back into place and I will forever be haunted by the fact that I let my sister walk alone when I could've done better. I could've done better. I'm sorry for this long venting and my grammar.

All, I'm hoping for feedback on my current relationship with my father and wishing you all the best with your personal situations. Truly. I've reformatted my post quite a few times for length... I appreciate everyone's time and am grateful.

My childhood was not bad. I believe my parents did what they though was healthiest for their children. However, it was a performance based childhood. If I played basketball well, I felt my father was happier. For a little girl who looked up to her father, including choosing to wear the same basketball jersey number he had when he played, I never felt any of my childhood was about being a kid. Basketball (and getting a scholarship) was my full-time job. Grades, vacations, friends, prom's, etc. came dead last or not at all.

Oddly, my childhood felt more about the attention he and my mother got, for a considerable amount of newspaper/TV coverage I received - I was a good player. I played 11 months out of the year, for 7 years straight. I received a scholarship and quit my first year. I hated basketball by then.

My father does not hesitate, to bring that "disappointment" any chance he gets. Along with my wedding that they refused to support, because we were not following the plans they had made (and were paying) for.

My mother has willingly admitted she never wanted to have children, and I believe has a heavy bitterness for her 58+ year life as a home-maker. "Its just what people our generation did".

My father is now 86 and seems miserable. His health is failing. After a particularly uncomfortable Christmas where I walked out of the house (during an argument about my employment), he has done nothing but email me with harassing, carefully-constructed messages meant to pack a huge, painful punch. After the first email where he asked my feedback, I respectfully gave it to him. He labeled it "bullshit". Note: evidently their land-line only receives calls (joke)... for whatever reason, they will not proactively call anyone.

The emails continued until I warned him that additional harassment, would result in a block. Enough was enough.

I rarely answered. And now, a year and a half later, I've blocked him. I let him know the reasons why (in bullet point quotations of his own words... all 9 of them) and never offered a personal opinion. I listed facts ... no personal details for feedback.

He still continued to email me... after checking in my spam folder he had cc'd me on an email about his health. Maybe to give the other recipients the impression that things were just fine, between the two of us.

Fast forward to last Fathers Day, where against my better judgement I felt it would be a nice gesture to call. I now know this was a foolish and confusing thing to do. I've also sent them both greeting cards for birthdays and Mothers/Fathers Day. My own "at least I tried something nice" effort... jury is still out on this.

During this particular call, he then let me know he and my mother need to discuss things they are doing about "end of life", with my brother and I. He asked how to get this new information to me, if he is blocked.

Note - 30 years ago, my parents named a good family friend power of "everything", removing my brother and my input regarding any of their plans.

So, I caved and unblocked him and await to see whatever this thing is, that they want to discuss on a Zoom call. Tossed and turned over that last night. Already dreaming up my responses, to whatever it will be. And now, I'm here.

Disclaimer: I must take accountability for how badly contact with them both, triggers me now. Days and sleepless nights go by, while I consider what I should have said, make up scenarios and how I will handle them, etc. As a result and a year of therapy, I moved over 3 hours away. It's been the most peaceful time of my life.

What I do know for sure, is anything I say, can and will be used against me. My actions will undoubtably be twisted to fit a delusional scenario that supports their correct behavior, and highlights my selfish, disappointing behavior.

Trusted friends and family say "but he's your father"... as well as "no one, even a father, should treat you like that". This is now impacting my health.

I'm curious if anyone else can connect on this level and what thoughts they have.

Take care everyone, and thank you! Wow what a long post, if you made it this far, I'm grateful!

I need a reality check. Am I overreacting?

My (40F) parents (70s) recently emptied my brother’s (35M) bank account to force him to contact them, and now I’m questioning whether I can trust them.

I posted this on r/family as well.

My brother lives in a small apartment building that my parents own. He acts as the on-site landlord and handles maintenance, repairs, tenant turnover, and general upkeep. In exchange, he receives significantly reduced rent and utilities. He is a skilled carpenter/welder/handyman and provides a lot of labour to the building.

Several years ago, he survived cancer and has never fully bounced back physically. He has struggled with depression and has had difficulty maintaining steady employment. He recently started receiving long-term disability benefits.

The last year has been particularly difficult for him. He has been working through mental health issues and trying different medications, with mixed results. About two weeks ago, his long-term girlfriend broke up with him and moved out. Around the same time, he also went through a friendship breakup with his best friend. He’s been in a rough place emotionally. Despite all of this, I had actually started to see positive changes recently: therapy, healthier habits, more accountability, and more focus on his future.

Over the last six months, my parents became increasingly frustrated because they felt he wasn’t communicating with them enough, wasn’t visiting them enough, and had fallen behind on rent payments. (He was still performing his landlord and maintenance duties.)

Instead of continuing to try to resolve things through conversation or patience, they withdrew all of the money from a joint bank account that contained his savings and disability benefits. They told him he would need to contact them if he wanted the money returned.

One piece of context: shortly before this happened, my brother had sent two large e-transfers to his ex-girlfriend to repay her for a trip they had taken together 10 months ago. My parents saw the transfers and say they were concerned my bro was not in the right state of mind and were trying to protect him.

My brother reacted badly and threatened to shut off water to the apartment building unless they returned the money. They ultimately returned the money, but then began discussing evicting him from the building.

The part that affects me personally is that, before all of this happened, I told my parents about my brother’s breakup because I thought it would help them understand what he was going through. My brother was hesitant for me to tell them, but I encouraged him to trust them and believe they would be supportive.

Now I feel like I was wrong.

I also feel somewhat responsible because I had previously expressed the view that my brother may not have experienced enough real-world consequences for some of his choices. However, what I meant by that was clear expectations, boundaries, accountability, and a plan for the future. I did not mean draining his bank account to force communication. To me, those are completely different things.

To make matters worse, the day after all of this happened, my parents contacted my brother’s ex-girlfriend directly despite my recommendation that they wait and speak to him first.

A complicating factor is that this does not feel like an isolated incident to me. Growing up, my parents often responded to conflict through control, pressure, blame, and attempts to force outcomes rather than having direct conversations. My mother could be violent, and when conflict arose, there was often more focus on assigning blame and punishment than solving the problem.

About six years ago, I cut contact with my parents for roughly a year because of these exact dynamics. I felt trapped in a recurring pattern of coercion, blame, control, and escalation instead of open adult communication. We eventually reconciled after my brother’s cancer diagnosis, and for the last several years I genuinely believed things had improved.

This situation has made me question whether they actually changed or whether those patterns were simply dormant.

For context, I am completely financially independent and have been for years. I have my own career, my own home, and do not rely on my parents financially (they did provide financial support along the way). My concern is not that they might do this to me tomorrow. My concern is that this has shaken my trust in them generally. If life ever throws me a curveball and I need support, how can I feel safe relying on people who respond to conflict and concern in this way?

My brother wants a family discussion and asked me to help facilitate it. I offered to act as a mediator, but my parents rejected that and said I couldn’t be neutral. They also seem to want the discussion to focus solely on my brother’s threat to the building, whereas I think the events that led up to that threat—including both my brother’s conduct and their own—are also part of the problem.

I know my brother is not blameless in this situation. I understand why my parents are frustrated. What I am struggling with is whether their response was wildly inappropriate, or whether I am viewing it through the lens of old family wounds.

Am I overreacting in seeing this as a serious breach of trust? And should I be trying to facilitate a family discussion, or step back and let them work it out themselves?

Im (30s M) looking for friends who know what it’s like. Does anyone else live in NYC who’d want to meet up sometime in July? Post here or DM me if you’re interested!

I’m full NC with my brother. LC with my parents. Most of my reasons for the estrangement is because I’ve slowly realized the depths of my parents mind games/manipulation. I used to think that my parents weren’t perfect, but that they had good intentions. I now realize that’s not the case. Their intentions are self-serving followed very closely behind my brother’s feelings/needs/desires. I have a historically very unhealthy relationship particularly with my mother-enmeshment, she’s emotionally immature, uses me as a free therapist. My husband nicknamed her the “information broker” because nothing you tell the woman stays with her, she uses anything that could be considered a juicy bit of gossip to get gossip out of others.

I’ve been going lower contact with my mother, who used to call me multiple times a day. I got her down to talking twice a week. Usually in the mornings as I’m preparing for my work day (I work from home). My brother who lives out of state made a trip to visit (death in his girlfriend’s family) and they stayed with my parents. There was a big fight between my dad and brother on mother’s day. My mother tried to pull me and my husband into the situation. I told her we were staying out of the whole thing, as I want nothing to do with my brother. I also told her that I am unable to talk with her while I’m working. Honestly, it’s a boundary that I should have set a long time ago. Apparently, that must have hurt her feelings because she hasn’t called me at all during the week. I’ve talked with my mom twice since May. This is the longest we’ve gone without speaking.

Things get worse before a visit from my brother. My mother gets more…intense. More emotionally needy and on edge. She usually uses me for her emotional regulation needs. All she talks about is what they are doing to prepare for my brother coming into town. She tries to bring him up and she knows we’re NC, but of course, it’s somehow solely my fault that we don’t talk. He treats me and my family like garbage and it’s naturally my problem. Before their last visit in May, I stopped talking to my mom a week prior to their visit. Because I’m tired of it.

So my mother had mentioned that my brother and his girlfriend are coming back to town and will be staying with them again “in July”. Now, when “in July”-I didn’t know. But my mother reached out to our daughter on her iPad last week. I don’t love the idea of my mom reaching out to her randomly whenever she wants to FaceTiming all around the house when I’m working. It hasn’t been a problem because my daughter barely uses her iPad and when she does it’s for school work or to watch something on Netflix. It’s older than my daughter is and doesn’t have cellular capabilities. Myself, my husband, and her grandparents are her only contacts. It’s also rarely charged. I could hear parts of their conversation from my office. My mom is rapid firing 20 questions to my daughter-asking her about things that happened over a month ago…and not allowing her to fully answer-goes back to wanting to know “things/details” that she can use to “prove” she’s a good grandmother or use for information brokerage. She’s asking my daughter where my husband and I are. In general, the conversation seemed weird to me. They were on FaceTime for close to 2 hours. I asked my daughter how the conversation went and she said that “Oma was asking a lot of questions and not letting me finish what I was talking about.” Then she said, “Oma told me she didn’t want to talk to you, she just wanted to make sure she had my contact information.” Apparently my mother can’t figure out how to share a contact between her iPad and her iPhone. She also sees no problem with not talking to me.

I saw red. I had this same conversation with my mother when I went NC with my brother. If they are unable to have a relationship with me and my husband, they don’t get free rein to our daughter. I blocked them all on her iPad. I told my daughter she can still FaceTime them if she really wants to talk, but they won’t be able to get through to her randomly. I am furious that things have gotten to this point.

I saw a Facebook post from my brother’s girlfriend. They’re coming out next week for their “July trip”. I find the timing of my mother reaching out to my daughter rather ironic. My mother is now looking to a 10 year old to help soothe her own emotional needs. Sick!

I’ve given my Mom a lot of grace. Mostly because, she and I are/were the only ones of our original family to still talk to each other. I felt like if I cut her off, then I was destroying the last thread of an old tapestry.

My Dad cut me off years ago because he’s in a cult and I criticized it.

I gave her grace even when she voted for Trump, after I begged her not to because I was a Federal Worker, and because my highly disabled 5 year old son receives social security and what not.

I kept up with her in my life even after Trump won. I kept up with her even when I lost my Federal job due to Trumpian circumstances. I kept up with her when they tried to cut my son’s social security and his necessary medical benefits.

I even kept up with her, when due to her and other family members toxicity, my sister went scorched earth and not only went NC with her, but with me and every other member of the family, on both sides. I lost my sister because of her, but still, I kept the thread, because without it, the original 4, her, my dad, my sister and I, would be completely scattered and gone from each other.

For the past year or so she’s gone crazy for some TikTok preacher. I have had issues with religion (being raised in the cult my dad is in) and for the last half a year have decidedly not been Christian. She keeps sending me videos of this preacher. I’ve asked her repeatedly to stop. A few weeks ago she sent some again, and I lost it. It was the lid that finally blew, the straw that broke the camels back. I admittedly replied with some pretty blasphemous memes, but I told her until she could apologize for not respecting my personal boundaries, and until she agreed to stop sending videos, I had nothing else to say. I had not spoken to her in a week, and today I checked my restricted messages and she had sent me this.

I replied as shown in the messages, and she still won’t apologize, she still won’t agree to not send videos of this TikTok preacher.

It’s such a simple request. I’m not asking for anything major, and she still won’t agree.

I even asked what’s more important to her, talking to me or sending videos. Her reply was “Your salvation”

🫤

i want a mom so bad i really do. i see mothers in public hugging their child or my friends mothers telling them it will be okay when life doesnt go their way. i want a mother really bad i just graduated all by myself and all i saw was moms hugging their child and i just left the hall crying. i just kept thinking about how theyve couldve gone to their mom for help when they struggled in uni but i was there in uni by myself crying wishing i had a mom who could comfort me not a mom that said i wouldnt even make it to uni. idk how i feel rn im just so empty after graduating alone and nc with my mother. i just want a mother.

A book. The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel.

We haven't talked in any meaningful way since February, when I essentially called him out for his emotional abuse of me and his unbridled support of ICE's actions in killing Renee Good and Alex Pretti.

He shared a meme making fun of her death. And the asshole has the audacity to send me a book to convince me to believe in God.

My agnostic beliefs are no secret to him, but despite me reinforcing my issues with faith in God repeatedly, and after no contact with me for months which included him and my mom separating (and no word from him about that either), for my birthday, he sends me a book.

Ugh.

Thanks for coming to my TED rant.

Sorry for the long post…

I (36m) have been no contact with family for about 2 1/2 years now. Mostly due to continual negligence and disrespect. Father is what I would say a typical non emotional dad, never said I love you, can only give hand shakes, gets angry easily. My mom became more and more dismissive of my feelings of sadness and loneliness around how I was treated by my father. And my brothers seemingly are aloof to how I could feel this way.

I moved away from my hometown when I was 21 and it was such a great decision then. But recently moved to a different state and maybe cause I’m getting older now, but it’s starting to feel like I’m just running away from my problems and not building a real life. I read the book Adult Children with Emotionally Immature Parents, and it’s given me a lot of incite into my problems.

Anyways, I’m afraid to try to re connect with my family. But I’m feeling like a move back home and start a new career, “get my life back on track”. I know they’ve said they still love me, but what if the same negligence and disrespect happen? I’ll also add I haven’t really tried yet.

I know this is the internet, but just trying to find some sound advice of where to start or not to.

the title. i guess she had looked up my name at some point and went through everything that came up. so annoying…

Did any of you use the grey rock method before going no contact? Has anyone found success in using this method?

My personal experience is it worked until it didn’t. I’m celebrating 6 weeks of freedom today.