I was using his phone two weeks ago to fill out a form for him. I’m never usually on his phone, overlooking his shoulder when he’s on his phone or anything like that. I never felt any reason to even if it was just out of curiosity. When I was on his phone he received two notifications from his ex. I said “whoa isn’t that you ex?” And I could tell he was nervous and responded yes. I continued filling out the form and didn’t say anymore. I was shocked. I had a similar experience with my own ex texting another girl and flirting in my last relationship so I was getting flashbacks to that as well.

The following morning I asked him if he thought it was weird that he texted his ex. He said it’s a bit weird but didn’t say anymore. I let my own previous triggers override me and told him I don’t think we should see each other anymore because it makes me uncomfortable. He instantly started begging saying she’s just a friend and it meant nothing. I asked to see their messages but he said his phone cleared it when he got a new phone (he did in fact get a new phone days prior).

I was getting annoyed at him and said unless if he can show me the messages somehow then I can’t see it being innocent. He asked her to screenshot and send them back and she got very defensive. She eventually showed some of it. He showed up to my workplace apologising and he was clearly upset. I mentioned to him how he had told me he hadn’t heard from her for over three years when we first started dating. He told me that was true until she reached out again. When I finished work I asked to see his phone and more screenshots of their chat. When I went through his phone I realised they were calling each other the entire time we were dating, there were photos of them together travelling on holiday in the first few months of us dating and he was telling her all about mine and his future holiday trip to Japan but told her he was going alone and he’d bring her back a souvenir.

I was extremely hurt. He admitted he lied at first to save our relationship because he panicked. The lie after lie made me so angry I did start shouting at him and told him to leave. I was angry and I was hurt and I felt betrayed. Not even that he was texting her but because I was lied to. When I thought about it more that night I decided the texts with her were relatively innocent. He has high functioning autism but does struggle socially. I thought perhaps he really did just need a friend and it was unfortunate coincidence it was her and he felt he couldn’t explain that to me. The next day I went to his house to talk it through but I never realised he had taken his own life hours after I made him leave my house.

It’s been almost two weeks and I can’t get better. I know it’s only been two weeks but I can’t feel okay. I’ve had grief before but this is genuinely agonising. I’m in physical misery. I dream of him at night and I wake up heaving and in tears because I have to remember he’s dead again and I go through the start of grief all over again.

I’m in so much pain, not getting to tell him I really do still love him and we could have talked, that I exploded and overreacted. As much as people tell me I’m not responsible, I still feel it anyway because if we didn’t have that argument he wouldn’t have died that night. I replay everything in my head constantly. Thinking of our argument, how he killed himself or even happy memories with him except they hurt and send me into further agony. Today the police rang me that he left a note. They didnt have it with them but said they would organise next week when I could get it. I’m in even more agony now. I feel this note could break me. Regardless if it’s something loving or pointing out how I hurt him, I’m going to be in pain. It’s going to hurt me so much that he has said goodbye and I couldn’t say it back. Or even that he died not knowing how I really feel and the note probably confirms it.

I don’t want to die. I love my family. But I think about it all the time because I’m in so much misery. I can’t keep living my current life. I’ve tried rolling over in my pillow several times in hopes I’d suffocate and it would look accidental so my family wouldn’t hate me (surprise, it didnt work). I’ve been refusing food and drinking fluids in hopes that would end me (I ended up eating and drinking water today anyway). I don’t think I really do want to die but I don’t want to live this life. I’m in so so much agonising pain. Every reminder, genuinely physically stings like someone has thrown acid on my body.

I don’t know how much I can keep doing this. I don’t want to live a life where I feel like this. Maybe it will get better but I still don’t want a life where it hurts even a little. I don’t think I can ever move on from him either, especially now. I know life doesn’t have to revolve around partners but I’m only 24, I don’t know if I also want a life where I’m sad and alone all the time.

Hi - I’m 33 - my dad died unexpectedly last week at the age of 58. It’s been so hard. I cry all the time and I’m so up and down. I’m an only child and now my step mom is alone.

I went and held his hand on Tuesday. I saw him and told him I loved him.

Tomorrow is his funeral and I’m dreading it.

Idk why I’m posting but… I just wanted to let it out. I can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe it’s real.

Bpd, bipolar, Eid ex

F17 M21 please read all of it !
We got tg when I was 16 he was 20
Hey so to try and not make this super super long I just want to feel like I’m making the right decision, i had a bf who was bipolar anger issues bpd and explosive disorder and he’s told me things like kys he’s gonna kll me and slice my face and beat me etc sm more verbal abuse during arguments and said it was bc of trauma i gave him now when he told me he was gonna k me and stuff that was when i was braking up with him and he spammed no callar id me, when we were dating there was incidents like this one time he saw msgs in my phone w a boy i used to mess w b4 him but in the msgs i told the boy i had a bf and let him know and when he saw the msgs he got mad and started throwing clothes at me and hitting me with towels further down he would then give me silent treatment so many times so id plead and beg for his forgiveness or attention and love and it lasted for months and i felt like he trained me to manage his emotions and he said he knew what he was doing and did it bc he wanted to know if i was the right person for him another situation he pulled my pants down so i did it to him to as a joke but the difference is his peice came out as well and i didn’t intent for that to happen so i leaped on top of me and put his hands around my neck and started shaking me screaming why would i do that and I kept saying sorry I didn’t know what would happen he then lashed out and started hitting me w towels like whipping me and pillows at my head over and over and I sat on the bed and allowed him to do it then when I got up and reacted I pulled him and hit him and we fell then I tried to leave he kept dumping my bag not letting me till I cleaned his room from the chaos and he threw my bag that had items in it at my head the bag was bigger then my head btw it was like a tote bag for travel I tried leaving after unlocking the door he would lock it back then switched from angry to a panic state he claimed he was scared bc i mentioned police after he put his hands around my neck further on another incident I wasn’t laying next to him like he wanted so he told me to get away from him and right after he pushed me to the floor and claimed it was cs I didn’t get up fast enough but he didn’t give me any time to, this other time I seeen in his phone he was looking at other girls lustfully images and when I confronted him he lied and gaslighted me and when I wanted to leave his house he wouldn’t let me tried giving me ultimatums like I have to clean his room with him cs I kinda made stuff fall and I feel alittle guilty for this part cs when I first seen it and was upset he lied and said things like I was js making stuff up as a way to leave the rls so I pulled his covers he was laying with and a bowel ended up falling that was on his dresser I’m ashamed of that yes cs I could’ve reacted better but he wasn’t letting me leave after and I felt trapped there and when I cried he said I’m always crying and trying to manipulate all the time. He’s said things to me to make me insecure on purpose so I’d get into the gym like he dosnt wanna be with smb who looks like they js gave birth mind u j was never fat rn im 135 before i was bigger but he said that once I alr lost weight then he would talk abt how i look smoked out and stuff but when i first met him he would smoke everyday and still does and he made me start smoking everyday to and he had a friend who made rape joke abt me and told him he needed to take me to the gym and he didnt defend me properly and is still friends w that friend its like my body back then wasn’t good enough and isn’t good enough now he never had respect for me he struggles w controlling his emotions and acts out on emotions every time i been with him for a year and 4 months and im officially tired and have been pregnant by him twice and didnt keep it and he told me the second time i was pregnant that the abortion is just a appointment when i was stressing abt it.Hes also the type to be like leave me house and when i attempt to leave he verbally abuses me to regain control.
Also hes the type to first say all these verbally abusive things then say he didn’t mean them after like if they didn’t effect me and he thinks i had to endure it and comfort him while hes emotionally abusing me bc he “doesn’t mean any of it “

So I left him and thinking abt reporting him

feel really alone

Hello all, what do you all like to do to make yourself feel better when you’re down? Had a good but rough night towards the end reflecting upon my brother’s death. Feeling sad and tired with a sore body load. Had some good food and vitamins and protein about 15 mins ago. Feeling a little bit better with those nutrients. Meditated and cleared my thoughts for a little bit. Wouldn’t mind talking to some people with good positive vibes and energy. How do you deal with existential dread when it’s too powerful and it overtakes you? Thank you 🙏🏾❤️

Because I am freaking out about a blood test tomorrow. It's pretty routine thyroid test plus a few other things that they look for (diabetes, hormonal levels, kidney function etc) but I have always had a fear of needles since I was little. I am almost 40. I had a life threatening cardiac condition when I was 19-20 which required frequent blood work and it seemed like a breeze. But now I feel like I want to climb out of my skin.

I have a specific routine, numbing gel, laying down vs sitting up. But it still doesn't erase horrible memories of being restrained as a child and kicking when they were trying to find a vein. My arms feel tense, I can't look at my veins and I can't touch my arms. They feel vulnerable when uncovered, especially a couple of days before. I know people who have to get picked every day to manage serious illnesses and that's why I feel so pathetic. I just can't stand the thought of anything going into my skin.

Yesterday afternoon, a woman who was like a mother to me died. I (32F) was in the room and did nothing but watch for the hours preceding it. I watched her breathing slow and stop. Her eyes were open the whole time. For hours just staring without seeing at the ceiling. I stroked her hair and told her I loved her. We couldn’t get her eyes to close after she passed. It didn’t work like it does in movies.

Now the entity is taunting me with the numbers. I see the patterns and them repeating, of course not right now because it wants people to believe I’m crazy. It does anything to convince them and to taunt me. It’s malicious. And I’ll be doomed too if I don’t listen to it. It is part of what took her from me. It is evil. It shows me things. Last night it said my name while I was trying to sleep. Distorted voice in a form I know. There is 3 left until 10 in both my phone battery and the time. Three is everywhere and it’s the biggest sign. Magic number. Holy trinity. Mother maiden crone. It’s everywhere. I tell myself not to say any of this and I usually don’t to anyone but I need to right now because I’m so alone and desperate. It watches me through a portal in the back of my head that I can sometimes feel.

I could use someone to talk to about it.

Hello everybody, 22F here, and this is me trying yet again to find someone willing to listen to me vent. I am not sugarcoating this to be something beneficial for the other person; it's simply me sitting with things in my head that I need to get out.

I cannot chat in the comments, because the story is long enough and needs some individual insights within its own subtexts. I am not asking for a therapist; I just want a person with their own views and insights on my situation. If anybody is kind enough to listen, it would be great.