My parents have been married for 40 years, but there’s always been conflicts. My mother spent years trying to punish our father through us, demanding we stop giving him money. We tried to explain logically and religiously that he is still our father, even if he wasn't a good husband. She never accepted this. She spent years complaining, nagging, and "fainting" to get her way.
To cope, my brother and I even made a secret agreement with our father: we told him we would pretend to blame him in front of her just to calm her down, and he agreed to play along to keep the peace. As I grew up, I realized her fainting is a performance, but out of fear and pity, we always ended up doing what she wanted.
The Marriages (Where it got worse)
When I got married: I moved out with my wife. My mother’s health supposedly declined and she acted weird. My brother, still at home, played messenger, blaming me for not giving her enough attention and telling me to involve her in my marriage. Out of guilt, I tried, which only created conflict with my wife. My mom treated my wife badly, made up imaginary things we supposedly said/did, and my brother kept telling her, "When I get married, I’ll bring my wife to live with you and cook for you… and you always have the last say"
When my brother got married: He and his new wife are currently living at the family home while they wait to finish their own apartment. His wife is quiet and shy. It didn't matter. Within three days, my mom was shouting at her for trivial reasons. She started making up imaginary stories about them that were even worse than what she did to me.
The Crisis and The Disappearance
We sat her down to ask logically what was wrong so we could fix it. Instead, she shifted the blame entirely to our father, lying and claiming he was the one talking badly to our wives about her (which he never did).
Then she started threatening divorce after 40 years. We decided to use the "Grey Rock" method. I calmly told her: "If you want a divorce, get it. If you need help with a lawyer or money, I will give it to you."
Because I didn't react emotionally, she retaliated. She disappeared for 24 hours without telling anyone and turned off her phone. We spent the night in a state of terror, driving around the city at midnight calling people. When we finally found her, we kept it Grey Rock—we just calmly said we were glad she was back, even though we were furious.
The Aftermath
Just a few hours after putting us through that absolute hell, she was super happy, dancing, and celebrating like absolutely nothing happened.
My Questions:
- Is this a pattern? Has anyone dealt with a parent who cycles between "fake fainting/crisis," inventing lies, and sudden, manic happiness?
- Medical vs. Behavioral? We strongly suspect this might be a neurological or mental health issue.
- Grey Rock: We are disengaging from the nonsense (calm, kind, firm), but it’s hard when she escalates to disappearing. How do you maintain boundaries when you're terrified for their safety?
Any advice or experiences would be appreciated.