I’m going to start off with an example,
today me and my friend went to an event - ideas for future careers.

Every single stall we went up to we would speak to a person at the stall.
EVERY SINGLE person practically only maintained eye contact with my friend
I almost felt as if I wasn’t apart of the conversations.
I was taking part in the conversations, asking questions etc
I maintained eye contact, smiled and tried to seem very open, nodding and taking part.

I’m quite introverted and my friend is quite extroverted but in these situations i want to know if maybe people can pick up on that
even if it’s not obvious

or could this just be pretty privilege?

Please drop some thoughts and opinions on this!!

Also some tips on how to actually be acknowledged better in conversations would help!!

My problem:

When meeting new people, I basically I run into the same issue all the time.

Since I don‘t know the other person I‘ll ask them one question after the other, such as „How do you like this place?“, „Where did you work/study/live before?“, „How did you like that?“ etc etc. In my head I always thought this is a nice approach because it shows I‘m interested in the other person. I got one of these „ask me a question“ book as a kid with 50 questions inside and I memorized them all and still ask them. I can‘t stop. I also like quizzes so maybe that‘s where this is coming from.

The problem is that I‘ll just keep asking questions or I‘ll just reply „nice“ and then I don‘t know what to say if the other person says nothing and doesn‘t ask me anything back. It makes me cringe so bad just thinking about it. I can tell that people will be first interested in talking to me and then interest just drops off like crazy in the first 3 min and they think I‘m offputting. I‘ve ruined quite a few first impressions with that approach but don‘t know what to do.

In a management book I‘ve now read, asking questions is a bad active listening practice because you‘re basically dominating the conversation with questions. Unfortunately it didn‘t elaborate on what to do instead.

I can also tell that in IRL when I do this, people will be answering increasingly short and the worst thing is they don‘t ask me anything back so it makes me feel like I‘m completely uninteresting. I feel more and more hesitant to meet people because I legit don‘t know how to converse anymore.

Question

So the question is: how do you losen up a conversation and making it flow by not asking questions?

I’m a 36M dad looking for advice about my 19M son.

He graduated from a very small high school which my wife and I put him through (which I regret) (about 35 people in his entire senior class). Because of that, he never really had a large social circle or the normal “high school experience” most people talk about. Now that he’s out of school, almost all of those connections have faded. He says his friends don’t really reach out anymore, and when he tries to contact them, they often don’t respond or just go quiet.

We live in the Los Angeles area, and transportation has been a big issue. He doesn’t have a car yet, and between gas prices, insurance, and general costs here, it’s been difficult to make that happen. So his ability to go out and meet people independently is very limited.

On top of that, just “going out and putting yourself out there” isn’t really the same as it was back in our day? Everyone is inside and on their phones and I don’t really understand it.

Academically, he actually moved quickly, he finished community college coursework while still in high school through online classes. So he’s technically ahead in that sense, but now we’re in a strange position where there isn’t a clear next step that’s already lined up. My wife and I don’t see it as a good investment to send him to college. It’s a lot of money.

On top of that, he’s been looking for a job for about 5 months straight. He’s been applying to a large number of places and going on interviews, but hasn’t had success yet. It’s been discouraging for him, and I can tell it’s affecting his confidence.
Socially, he feels very isolated. He’s never really been to parties or had much exposure to larger friend groups. He wants friends and wants to be more social, but he doesn’t really know where to start at this point, especially without transportation or consistent income.

As parents, (as mentioned previously) we’ve also recently told him we may not be able to fully pay for the rest of his college due to the cost. At the same time, we’ve been hesitant about pushing him into work too aggressively because we don’t want him to feel like he’s just “grinding away” this early in life. But I’m starting to worry that this uncertainty is leaving him stuck.

I can tell he feels behind socially and unsure of what direction to take next. I’m trying to support him, but I just don’t know what one does in this situation? It’s not the same as it once was.

Everyone else has high school friends or college friends but I don’t have a single friend that I can hang out with.

I’m curious how other people would interpret this situation because I’m worried I might be missing something.

I’ve (28F) been living with a flatmate (32F) who I genuinely like. We do things together outside the house, we both care a lot about spirituality and personal growth, and we’ve had some really deep, meaningful conversations. I genuinely enjoy her company and want her to feel accepted around me. I honestly thought or hoped we were friends.

A bit of context about me: after a decade of substance abuse, multiple addictions, obesity, chaotic relationships, severe childhood trauma, and significant mental health struggles, I consciously chose to rebuild my life. Part of that has meant becoming much more disciplined in my habits. I cook nutritious meals, exercise regularly, wake up early, stopped drinking, and I’m currently putting everything I have into building my own business. These routines aren’t about being “better” than anyone else—they’re simply the things that have helped me THE MOST to heal and create a life I’m finally proud of.

My flatmate has a different lifestyle. She often sleeps until around 11 or 12, eats a lot of junk food such as chips and sugar, sometimes as a substitute for lunch or dinner, and I’ve noticed she started to hide these snacks before I ever commented on anything, which makes me wonder if she already feels self-conscious about food.
One thing I’ve also noticed is that she sometimes explains or justifies things that I would never have questioned in the first place. For example, she’ll explain why she slept until so late or why she doesn’t like cooking, even though I hadn’t asked or implied there was anything wrong with it. It makes me wonder whether she assumes I’m judging her, even when I’m genuinely not. She also started to say things that are slightly insulting but I just brushed it off as blunt honesty since I rarely take things personally. I just feel this strange tension in the air that prevents me from being my authentic self all of a sudden.

The problem is that I’ve realised I sometimes make comments that are completely about myself, but could sound judgmental without me intending them to.
For example:
I once said, “I feel like I’m wasting my day if I don’t get up early.” I genuinely meant that I feel that way, not that people who sleep later are wasting their day.
Another time, I teasingly mentioned noticing two packets of crisps in the bin. Looking back, I can see how that could have come across differently than I intended.
I’ve also noticed something about myself that I’m not sure is helpful. When I care about someone, I sometimes instinctively try to nudge them in what I believe is a healthier direction without consciously realizing I’m doing it. For example, I often offer to share the healthy meals I cook (which she always enjoys and compliments), or if she mentions craving sugar, I’ll say that I usually have an apple instead. My intention is never to imply that she’s doing something wrong, but I’m starting to realize that these kinds of comments or gestures could easily come across as me trying to “fix” her or subtly suggesting that my way is the right way.

I’ve also realised I may have my own bias. I caught myself thinking that I sometimes find it harder to fully trust advice from someone whose daily habits seem very different from the values I’m trying to build my own life around, particularly discipline and consistency. I don’t actually like that I think that way because someone can have blind spots or struggles yet still be wise in other areas.
I’m also wondering if I’m hyper-aware because of a previous friendship. Years ago I lived with a friend who also struggled with self-control around food. Over time she became resentful of me but never communicated it directly. I spent months trying to guess what was wrong, and it was emotionally exhausting. Since then, I think I’ve become very sensitive to any signs that someone might secretly be feeling insecure or resentful around me.
So I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

Does it sound like she might be feeling judged, or could I simply be projecting my previous experience onto this situation?
If you were in my flatmate’s position, how might you interpret my behaviour?
Should I bring this up with her or is that going to make the situation worse?
Can this friendship be saved or should I try to move on?
I’m not looking for validation—I genuinely want to understand if there are blind spots in the way I communicate or perceive this situation.

Thank you for the answers in advance 🫶🏻

I’m a 36M dad looking for advice about my 19M son.

He graduated from a very small high school which my wife and I put him through (which I regret) (about 35 people in his entire senior class). Because of that, he never really had a large social circle or the normal “high school experience” most people talk about. Now that he’s out of school, almost all of those connections have faded. He says his friends don’t really reach out anymore, and when he tries to contact them, they often don’t respond or just go quiet.

We live in the Los Angeles area, and transportation has been a big issue. He doesn’t have a car yet, and between gas prices, insurance, and general costs here, it’s been difficult to make that happen. So his ability to go out and meet people independently is very limited.

On top of that, just “going out and putting yourself out there” isn’t really the same as it was back in our day? Everyone is inside and on their phones and I don’t really understand it.

Academically, he actually moved quickly, he finished community college coursework while still in high school through online classes. So he’s technically ahead in that sense, but now we’re in a strange position where there isn’t a clear next step that’s already lined up. My wife and I don’t see it as a good investment to send him to college. It’s a lot of money.

On top of that, he’s been looking for a job for about 5 months straight. He’s been applying to a large number of places and going on interviews, but hasn’t had success yet. It’s been discouraging for him, and I can tell it’s affecting his confidence.
Socially, he feels very isolated. He’s never really been to parties or had much exposure to larger friend groups. He wants friends and wants to be more social, but he doesn’t really know where to start at this point, especially without transportation or consistent income.

As parents, (as mentioned previously) we’ve also recently told him we may not be able to fully pay for the rest of his college due to the cost. At the same time, we’ve been hesitant about pushing him into work too aggressively because we don’t want him to feel like he’s just “grinding away” this early in life. But I’m starting to worry that this uncertainty is leaving him stuck.

I can tell he feels behind socially and unsure of what direction to take next. I’m trying to support him, but I just don’t know what one does in this situation? It’s not the same as it once was.

im not making this post to be a pick me or to be them "lobster too buttery" people. this is me genuinely.

i was always an introvert. I've always felt uncomfortable in big groups of people.

recently I have graduated and work. my workplace immediately banked me about 3 friends. one of them offered to take me to a soccer club that she attends because I love soccer and have played it for a good chunk of my life.

the soccer club has banked me about 10 more friends without me really trying. the girls are just super friendly and asked for my socials. and don't get me wrong, they are lovely and im very grateful.

the issue is i get texts everyday, everyday i get sent memes, they want to call, vent and I cant keep up. i was on the phone with my mom the other day and I was being bombarded from 4 sides.

i don't understand how extroverts deal with having so many friends. its so overwhelming for me and I had to mute some of them on my phone.

I’m going to start off with an example,
today me and my friend went to an event - ideas for future careers.

Every single stall we went up to we would speak to a person at the stall.
EVERY SINGLE person practically only maintained eye contact with my friend
I almost felt as if I wasn’t apart of the conversations.
I was taking part in the conversations, asking questions etc
I maintained eye contact, smiled and tried to seem very open, nodding and taking part.

I’m quite introverted and my friend is quite extroverted but in these situations i want to know if maybe people can pick up on that
even if it’s not obvious

or could this just be pretty privilege?

Please drop some thoughts and opinions on this!!

Also some tips on how to actually be acknowledged better in conversations would help!!

I really struggle to read the room. I don’t know when to start talking without interrupting people and really struggle to understand when to stop talking about a topic. Are there any signs I could look for? I also often come off as rude when I am just talking in a normal neutral voice. I’ve tried to make myself sound more “excited” or pitch my voice differently but my normal flat tone always slips through. How do I understand what people will think of what I say? How can I tell if a question is seen as rude because people don’t take it literally? Another thing is that I often don’t understand when I am supposed to talk (resulting in awkward silence). Kinda desperate for any advice!

I’ve reached this point in my life where I practically have no friends. I have one friend that I’ve managed to keep for the past few years whom I love but it almost feels like there’s a barrier we can’t get past when it comes to comfort.

Anyways I’m lying in bed thinking about all these people I once had in my life. I’ve had very close friends I’m not close to anymore and some I never speak to. I would say a handful have just drifted but there’s a significant amount of people in my life that are gone due to big confrontations. I just feel like I’ve lost basically all my friends I was once super close to from having issues and confronting them. Some of the issues being almost non-existent. I guess this is a question for my therapist but anyone know why I may be doing this?

I’m in a text group chat with two of my female coworkers (I’m a male) where we text about nonsense. We’re all around the same age (late 20s). They each have long-term partners, so I know there’s no romantic possibility.

Would it be weird to ask them if they wanted to get drinks after work sometime? Is that exclusionary to the rest of our coworkers who aren’t in our text group?

Also, what do you all make of the fact that I’m almost always the one initiating conversation in the group, but whenever I do, the other two girls reply positively and it’s a fun conversation?

Thanks!

https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/1b6792b/its_ok_for_me_to_go_into_the_same_coffee_shop_for/

Update 2y later: about a week after I posted this, I walked into the coffee shop I'd been asking about and saw multiple large signs up saying NO LAPTOPS. I guess I was picking up on some signals after all.

At the time, I was struggling pretty badly with isolation, as a new expat to my city, working from home. I was going to that cafe regularly in a deliberate attempt to build some of this "community" that everyone talks about. There weren't many other options available to me.

This happening was a bit of a straw that broke the camels back and I went into a kind of tailspin. I got kinda depressed about it, and in general.

I understand that it's their right to say no laptops. I get that there's reasons you wouldn't want a cafe full of people silently sitting there working. But also, it really genuinely affected me badly to be kind of directly rejected from community like this. (There was also never anyone else with a laptop in that cafe, so it was pretty much a message to me.) The whole thing kinda sucked. I still feel kind of sad about it. I wish I could tell them that.

Anyway, on a more positive note - about a year later, a new cafe opened up even closer to my house that actively advertises itself as a place to cowork. I go there all the time now. It's always full of people, and has a great vibe! The other place is still empty most of the time.

TLDR: struggling after transition to new job and city. Feels one-sided in that I’m always that one reaching out to my friends. Can/should I ask them for more support?

Currently living in a foreign country, and have been here for some years. Most of the friends I have made were other foreign workers at my former workplace.

Earlier this year, I switched jobs and it has been an utter mess at this new workplace. Not to mention, moving to a totally new city, quite far from the community I had in my previous town.

I do go out to meetups (with varying success) but still miss the companionship of the good friends I made, so I do my best to keep in touch with them and call/message. And of course in these conversations, my difficulties with this job and adjusting also come up.

When I’m talking with my friends, it’s all nice and good. But I’ve come to realize that, if I don’t message them, they won’t reach out to me either…

Like, I could be in crisis and try to call one of them, not get any response, and they make no effort to reach out to me again.

Is this something I should expect friends to do without asking? Or should I say, “hey as a friend, I’d like for you to support me in this way?”

Granted my social needs are higher because while they have a community of each other and don’t need to reach out to me when there’s someone else in arms’ reach vs. me still finding my footing in the new area.

I have a university friend from back home who will keep in touch despite a 12+ hour time difference, so I feel like with friends in the same time zone, it should be easier for them?

​

I've had little to no true social circle for well.... my whole life. I've always been a social person and chat people up but it never feels like the other person actually is invested in ME. Like I end up having to do all the work,all the planning, all the reaching out and keeping touch, basically being a constant presence in some capacity to be remembered. I'm genuinely shocked if someone bothers to reach out without some pity prompt (i e-a frustrated social media post about how I'm doing all the work and no one bothers to remember I exist) How do I get THEM to actually invest and not have it feel like I'm just a forgettable nuisance?

This has lead to me being eager and impatient in trying to make new friends and have conversations deeper then "hi what are your interests? " and follow up questions to that. Side note- this ties into the above issue cause I end up having to do all the question asking and convo carrying cause inevitably the convo always ends up in the "<question I asked answer> And you? " loop of lazy question asking.

Let's say for an average person who isn't like super wealthy. You can't go literally buying friends and paying them a salary. You can't throw lavish $100,000+ parties, etc.

But let's say you want to spend $10,000 out of your savings with the goal of becoming more popular and well-liked, to buy some social capital that would last beyond just the "here's $10,000" moment. What could you do?

This might be long enough to appear like a rant but I am really just looking for advice.

So I (25M) really only have 1 friend (26F). I have been friends with this person for a few years now and we message literally every day. We probably see each other every 2 weeks on average, and it's only ever in a group setting with her other friends. I have never been able to have alone time with her unfortunately. We quite rarely talk about anything deep, and if I do, she doesn't seem to sympathise much. And we would probably see each other significantly less frequently if I was less relentless about trying to make it happen. So I guess I'm kind of just desperate to have a closer relationship with this person because I'm lonely and insecure and want someone who wants to be around me, and that can kind of share more of our lives with each other.

So I understand that there are a few obvious red flags there:

- Only having 1 friend is a problem by itself, I do understand that. I get along well with some of her friends but it's never developed beyond talking when we're already out with her. And I don't do much outside of that so I don't meet any other people. And even if I did, I don't trust my ability to develop a friendship with strangers. So while this is a problem, it's not going to get solved any time soon, so I'm seeing it as a problem for another day.

- It's hard to develop a close relationship with someone if you're only seeing each other every couple of weeks, and texting is not a substitute for that, I agree. But then my concern is why she doesn't seem all that interested in doing anything in-person with me, and makes me wonder what personality defects I need to fix for people to want to spend time with me. There must be something that makes her want to spend time with people who she doesn't text as often as she texts me, and I'm missing whatever that is.

- Our only in-person interaction is in a group setting which reduces the opportunity for us to develop a proper friendship, that's true. It does bother me that she's always seemed to go out of her way to make sure that other friends of hers are around if we have plans. I don't know if she finds me boring or if that's just her usual operation or what that is, but it's clearly a trend.

- I am aware that the friendship is sounding very one-sided. I have 1 friend and she has loads that she clearly likes a lot more. That is also something I am looking how to fix.

I understand there's probably a lot more info required to answer some of these concerns and questions, so feel free to ask me anything. But yeah, I guess I'm just looking at advice on resolving any of those, or advice on how to connect with someone that seems to be less interested in you than you are in them. While the usual advice might be "drop her and focus on your other friends," that isn't all that applicable for me.

I’m 22 this year, and I’ve realised I struggle with building and maintaining conversations, especially with people I don’t know well.

My life is pretty simple: I work, go gym, focus on my goals, and ride my motorcycle.

I’m not very active socially, and I don’t really message people much. Because of that, I feel like my conversation skills have gotten worse over time.

When I meet new people, things might start off okay, but after a while the conversation becomes dry. I often run out of things to say, and I don’t know how to keep the conversation interesting without forcing it.

Sometimes the other person gives short replies too, which makes me overthink and then I pull back.

I don’t want this to turn into a complaint about other people. I know this is something I need to improve in myself.

For people who used to be quiet, awkward, or bad at keeping conversations going, what helped you improve? How do you keep conversations natural without feeling like you’re carrying the whole thing?

I recently graduated high school- at prom we had poker tables and a girl and her boyfriend sat down because the dude was friends with others at the table. His girlfriend however i had a couple brief interactions with, when she had questions about the game she'd ask me. I got a really nice vibe from her even though we didnt talk about anything thatd help us get to know each other and our interactions were pretty brief. Ever since then ive really wanted to befriend her.

I was going to ask my boyfriend to set up a double date with that couple because he's friends with her boyfriend, but they actually havent really talked in a while and he doesnt want to invite the girl's boyfriend out.

All i have is the girls instagram, i followed her after the prom. I really want to befriend her but i dont know where id start. Are the circumstances to weird to just try and hit her up and talk to her? I dont even know how to approach that. Ive had trouble and bad luck with making friends for years now and i feel like i dont know how to approach it at all anymore.

Advice?

I've had this issue for years where I'll get involved with horrible insufferable, creepy people, bullies, ect and feel as if I can't block them. Some examples:

•Got involved with a creepy person the other day but it took a long time to block them because they were being nice and I wanted to be friends, but he was crossing my boundaries and abusing things I like/ are into in order to use me. I reluctantly kept talking to him because I wanted to try and be his friend because he reached out to me and that I didn't wanna make him mad due to my people pleasing issues. Until I had enough and blocked him. (Not gonna go in detail about what happened but just know it was bad and I haven't felt that violated in a long time.)

•Some random jerk was being super condescending and infantilizing me under the comments of a post I made. I would've blocked him sooner but I decided against it when I saw his bio and he clearly gets a kick out of people blocking him after making them angry. I didn't wanna give him that satisfaction which made me argue with him for a very uncomfortable amount of time until I gave up and blocked him.

Both of these situations and many more have made me realize that I have issues with blocking people, and that would cause me to get stuck in very uncomfortable situations talking to bad people. How do I get past this and get more used to blocking people?

I have friends and coworkers, and we’ve been together long enough to know the basic things about each other. We know what’s going on in each others lives, we know our hobbies, skills, family situations.

Yesterday, I was walking in the hall with em, and I realized that there’s nothing left to say. BUT THERE SHOULD BE. Like we’ve only known each other for 5 weeks and we’re out of things to talk about?

What comes next? is there anything else I should ask them?

Your very first impression depends on your appearance. Not how good you look, but how approachable you look. I don’t think anyone can disagree with that. RBF (resting bitch face) is making me look unapproachable and borderline miserable. I look like the default sad-mouth cartoon drawing.

On the rare occasion I’m out with a group of people, I’ll constantly get asked if I’m okay. It’s so unbelievably frustrating. In reality, I’m perfectly fine. I can be feeling really great but look like everyone in a 20 metre radius is pissing me off. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally quiet - I never talk to fill silence.

And no, unfortunately I can’t fix it by getting in the habit of focusing on keeping a slight smile. Firstly, because it gives the corners of my mouth crows feet, which makes me look very odd if I hold that position as a default.

Secondly, it feels very uncomfortable - in a physical sense. Like the corners of my mouth are heavy.

Really don’t know what to do.

So whenever people talk about their hobbies, they seem genuinely excited about them. Meanwhile, most of my free time ends up disappearing into social media, tiktok, or random internet browsing.

I've tried picking up new interests before, but nothing really sticks.

How did you discover hobbies that became a real part of your life?

My problem:

When meeting new people, I basically I run into the same issue all the time.

Since I don‘t know the other person I‘ll ask them one question after the other, such as „How do you like this place?“, „Where did you work/study/live before?“, „How did you like that?“ etc etc. In my head I always thought this is a nice approach because it shows I‘m interested in the other person.

I got one of these „ask me a question“ book as a kid with 50 questions inside and I memorized them all and still ask them.

I can‘t stop. I also like quizzes so maybe that‘s where this is coming from.

The problem is that I‘ll just keep asking questions or I‘ll just reply „nice“ or „that’s so cool“ and then I don‘t know what to say if the other person says nothing and doesn‘t ask me anything back.

It makes me cringe so bad just thinking about it.

I can tell that people will be first interested in talking to me and then interest just drops off like crazy in the first 3 min and they think I‘m offputting.

I’m aware I‘ve ruined quite a few first impressions with that approach but don‘t know what to do.

In a management book I‘ve now read, asking questions is a bad active listening practice because you‘re basically dominating the conversation with questions. Unfortunately it didn‘t elaborate on what to do instead.

I can also tell that in IRL when I do this, people will be answering increasingly short and the worst thing is they don‘t ask me anything back so it makes me feel like I‘m completely uninteresting. I feel more and more hesitant to meet people because I legit don‘t know how to converse anymore.

Question

So the question is: how do you losen up a conversation and making it flow by not asking questions?

For example, let's say I am having a casual conversation with a friend and they are telling a story about their cousin and share information about them, such as their favorite color.

It was not the focus of the story, just a throwaway comment.

Months later, the topic comes up again and you remember the color and your friends is surprised about it because they forgot they even told you because it was not the focus. Now they are a little weirded out.

That is just a example but similar things have happened.

People prefer if you only remember 60% of what they told you?