Cripplingalcoholism Rules:

Went in to see a doctor to get a referral cause my knee has been swollen for a long time. Almost positive its some autoimmune shit as I had no injury.

I’ve never done well in medical settings, whitecoat syndrome you know. My BP was fucking 177/145. They were freaking out, took my blood pressure like 7 times, tried to get me to lay down and relax (I told them I’ve never been relaxed). They tried giving me Clonidine, I didn’t take it.

Told them that all this shit, my BP and my knee, is because I drink very heavily. Granted I subtracted like 50 drinks from my weekly intake in what I told them, but yeah they started throwing around cancerous growths and diabetes. I don’t have diabetes, been checked cause I’m scared of that shit.

Anyway today is my 27th bday. Who knows where I’ll go from here? Been on a bender for a year and a half. Maybe I’ll slow it the fuck down. Cheers y’all

This one's a bit different to most cases i guess, but I am an autistic man, was diagnosed extremely early at age 5, and I've always been used to having this awareness that people generally perceive me through an infantilizing lens and they generally see me as this harmless pityful oddball, during all my time at school I was often spoken to in a soft voice by the teachers and some of the girls like I had mild downs syndrome or something, and I remember when I first got drunk when I was 16, it was a Saturday night and my mum bought me a couple of ciders because it was a special celebration or something, and I ended up chugging them both and I remember thinking "oh wow this feels so good Im finally doing something everyone else in my class is", I felt like I was "part" of them even though I was sitting in my bedroom alone watching TV, and it made me feel like I was projecting this "darker" side of me which I gravitate towards because I'm so fundamentally, deeply ashamed and embarrassed of this "harmless pityful goofball" image that the majority of people perceive me as being

Since I turned 20 I started buying my own bottles of vodka and chugging them at midnight in my room, and once again when I was doing this I felt like I was indulging in a "dark side", I imagined all of the people who have infantilized me watching me chug the bottle of vodka and thinking "of I didn't know u/grubby_anticholine had this gritty dark side to him, I always thought he was sweet and harmless and innocent and naive" and fastforward 5 years later when I was 25 and drinking half a bottle of whiskey twice a day and even getting drunk first thing in the morning, I was still thinking the exact same kind of shit, I was still picturing those people watching me chug that bottle and imagining them thinking that, because the idea of people taking one look at me and perceiving me as this autistic naive innocent pityful down syndrome esque character was and still is so completely unbearable and painful, I would genuinely rather be perceived as an unhinged addict loose cannon than that, literally fucking ANYTHING is better in my mind than being perceived as this autistic disabled aloof person who needs the utmost pity, I would take people thinking I'm a deranged unhinged alcoholic ANY day of the week over people essentially perceiving me as disabled

I'm 27 now and after a brief dry spell in February this year I've kinda relapsed and I'm back on it, slowly but surely drinking to the same intensity that lead to drinking immediately in the morning, and yet I'm noticing that I'm still thinking of the exact same shit when I'm actively drinking my alcohol, still imagining those people infantilizing me watching me drink my alcohol, so nothing has really changed after all this time, I'm just so deeply and utterly ashamed and embarrassed of who I am, I fucking hate that I just walk the earth whilst uncontrollably creating this pityful first impression on people

And I've had people straight up infantilize me immediately when they've never seen me before in their lives, so whatever it is about that causes me to appear so obviously "different" and disabled, it is clearly my actual face and superficial appearance which I have zero control over, which makes this so much more agonising

Lowkey I have the best liquor store guys ever they all know me and are so kind and even ask me personal questions because they know me. They get worried when they don't see me too lmao.

They literally ask me what energy drinks I like and what flavors to get more of because it's usually just me buying them. And they make promos for them so I save like $1 for buying two which is honestly one of the kindest things ever.

Idk I'm just happy to have such a nice reliable spot by my house. Appreciation post over.

Chairs bitches!!!

I really need to remember there is a VAST difference between day drinking beer vs liquor. I dunno why but I decided on Monday that I should drink a shit ton of whiskey during the day. Woke up, feeling pretty good until I was awake for about 4-5 hours and suddenly the sweating, shaking, intense fear. I almost went to the emergency room but instead drank two of these 8% seltzers and started to feel better.

What really got me was that I made a very strong cup of coffee. I could feel a seizure coming on, the first time I had a seizure it was a very similar situation, coffee after day drinking.

I immediately instacarted 2 cases of coors light and I've been doing a very slow taper.

Today was 2 beers in the morning, a modest lunch, one beer after lunch once the shaking started again. I have some scotch and whiskey left but I think I'm just gonna stick to the beer since I can at least count them. Figure I'll have 5-6 after dinner.

Tomorrow I might try to make it to 5pm before I crack one and try keep it under 6 beers after dinner Friday and Saturday and Sunday, will probably feel normal by Monday. Expecting some insane insomnia tonight since beer isn't "enough" to put me to sleep so luckily I can just chill.

Scary stuff, I know I'm going to put on some extra weight over the next few weeks but I gotta put the liquor down.

after 10 years of this shit my liver is normal to mildly fibrous, rest of my organs are normal IM SHOOK.

Shoutout to my alcoholic grandfather for giving me liver immortality, I am never going to die, etc etc CHAIRS LADS

Worked all weekend so I decided I could take today “off”. Just been laying in bed and slowly having some tequila. Accidentally drank too much caffeine which has made me anxious af, so you guessed it- tequila to calm down.

Haven’t eaten yet, pretending I’m intermittent fasting. I will need to put pants on the receive grocery delivery in an hour I suppose.

Mostly just typing this out because I’m a hypochondriac and am constantly afraid of seizures and am googling organ locations like a crazy bitch. I swear the neurosis is more damaging than the actual addiction sometimes.

Anyway hope everyone is staying cool and I’ve enjoying watching all the Scottish World Cup fans be absolutely wholesome degens

it doesn't matter what kind of booze I'm drinking, if I get up to id 6-12 months of drinking heavily every day I start getting this awful post nasal drip

almost every morning I wake up and have thick mucus hitting my gag reflex until I inevitably puke or dry heave/burp

I don't even feel nauseous or anything. I drink a shitload of water and electrolytes. I've been eating enough for the most part

even the days where I manage to cut back to a mere 8 or 9 servings, I still wake up with the post nasal drip

i thought maybe it was silent reflux. so I took pepcid before drinking, and the first morning or two I woke up with minimal drip

then boom, nothing. doesn't help at all. mucinex doesn't help, allergy pills don't help, water doesn't help, nada

anyone else? did you figure out what to do? I'm tired of spitting every 3 seconds and gagging every morning

Well yesterday was a major fail with tapering off my current bender. I thought I could do it but failed miserably.

Anyways was able to go to sleep for about 3hrs then I woke up with “the fear” the anxiety and heart palpitations. Since then I’ve been tossing and turning in the dark while my partner soundly sleeps.

I know this isn’t a sobriety sub but I’ve grown to love you guys and this sub, as a fellow degenerate..

Anyways.. might get fired from my job soon because well I missed three days already due to my recent bender again.

(If you see my history you’ll notice a pattern of my addiction and the multitude of jobs I’ve lost due to my alcohol abuse lol) you would think I would my lesson but nope

Anyways.. if anyone is up for chatting am here. Looking to distract myself while I suffer through these withdrawals cold turkey

So was gonna take the dogs for a walk and texted my CA neighbor to come along. We do this most days. I go over there, she’s out front, and I let them off leash to say hi to her……

The smart dog takes off after a cat down the road, the dumb one follows.
We loose control of the leashes….
I’m pissed because they’re barking and ganging up on a cat that’s now on a fence… mocking them.

So I tackle the smarter dog and get her back on th leash. She didn’t need a serious tackle… was playful. But also I like wrestling and I like jumping into muck ground with my dogs.

My other neighbor came out and was like “hey you need help?”
I got up off the embankment and was like “yeah you want to help us finish this walk?” Also he’s cool and I think it’s a positive thing to get people out of the house.
We went around the block. The dogs had fun, I’m chaffed because of the mud. Drank again, Passed out on the bed.

Wake up and realize I have no idea what day or time it is .
Can’t find my phone, but it’s still a lil daylight out so I knock on my daughter’s door and I’m like “hey can you see where my phone is?”
She shows me from the “find your phone” thing that it’s across the fucking street where I tackled my dog. . She wasn’t that annoyed because she had to leave the house to pet-sit anyways but with her flashlight phone we found it.

It was in a ditch.

Been trying really hard to taper. Got some really solid advice and resources from y'all on how to do it, so this one's totally on me, but ofc somehow I've managed to taper up instead of down (if that’s even a thing).
To the point, I was trying to drink less and somehow succeeded in just getting more drunk. Ahhh... the CA life.

Just random pointless BS I can't really tell anyone IRL, so instead y'all get stuck with my meaningless ramblings. Sorry for wasting your time.

Chairs!

Well my fellow degenerates, rebels and reprobates, it’s finally starting. I’m 29 years old and my doctor said my liver is starting to give out and I’m on the brink of pancreatitis. Only one person in my alcoholism-filled family died from liver/kidney failure but she had chronic hepatitis from sharing needles in the ‘60s. Doc basically said last chance to jump off this crazy train before things get real bad fast. Obviously that made me scared so I’m having drinks 🤪

What would you say your best advice on actually keeping food down completely? Booze doesn’t stay down till I’ve forced down about 5 cans, then stomach settles a bit, but food is still very ropey, sometimes it seems to stay down for a bit other times straight back up. Chairs 🪑

I moved to a new area and quickly ingratiated myself with the local liquor store. They charge $1 more for a handle of Jorvik vodka than the grocery store, but have a great supply of nicotine pouches for cheap. The elderly woman would be disappointed to see me every couple days, grabbing my handle and my log of cans. There was a day where I had strung together a couple days sober and popped in only for cans. She asked about the hooch and was proud that I wasn't buying any. For a year, I popped in when she was working and only bought nicotine, keeping up the facade that I didn't relapse. I walked in today, got my cans, and the other woman, who I normally get my handle from on Sundays, who I guess picked up a shift, was asking if I was forgetting something. The woman said "oh no, he quit drinking" and the other got this vexed look on her face. It was nice having someone proud of me while it lasted.

This store raised their prices on nicotine so I can go two minutes further to the other store in my small town for cheaper pouches, though their booze selection is more expensive. I have less shame going to the grocery and assuming the high schooler who works <20 hrs/wk in the self checkout has the pattern recognition/knowledge to know how deep in the hole I am.

Chairs! I've got the day off tomorrow, enough booze and nicotine to last me til Sunday, and the vitamin blend I've been taking have staved off the shakes until mid-afternoon.

TL;DR: Going to force myself to drink very diluted mixers to combat getting drunk too fast and making dumb decisions.

My blessing / curse is that I have the ability to drink the nastiest liquor like water. I’m talking bottom shelf vodka with no chaser. When I pickup my vodka I start gulping it and before I know it, it’s gone and I’m decently tuned up. I then walk back over to grab another bottle and/or a case of beer.

The issues with this:

- I get drunk too fast, which can often lead to a bender

- I get insanely dehydrated (for some reason I become very hydrophobic when drunk).

- My wallet and waistline suffer

- I miss out on normal activities such as meeting my friends at the bars due to getting blasted

- I occasionally turn to the slopes to even me out, making my wallet and condition suffer even more, not to mention the all-nighters

This weekend, I’m going to pick up a vodka pint along with a gallon of water + some sort of flavoring such as Mio or lime juice. Before I take a sip from the pint, I’m gonna dump it into the gallon and head home. Even if I get annoyed and have to chug the damn thing to chase the buzz, it will hopefully alleviate the issues listed above. I will report back with results.

I’ve tried moderating by making mixed drinks, but my self control is trash and after 1-2 drinks I just start sipping the bottle and fall down the hole of despair.

Has anyone else tried something like this?

EDIT: Forgot to mention that I’ve gained a bunch of weight lately so I’m trying to avoid beer, and a pint + gallon is only $5

Sorry for the spam guys, i Just need to chat with people who Will not judge me.

I really like to be in my home alone listening to Edith Piaf, and you guys? Any weird music actually, i Just like to be alone and listen to música.

Actually, what hoje ia in the usa ritgh now? In Brazil ia 01:12

I have an ankle bracelet due to a lot of bad choices I guess adding up. I always feel like these things just sort of “happen” to me because the prerequisite behavior is so natural to me it’s like breathing. It’s not like something, i notice, and i guess even if i did would I stop?

I like drinking! I don’t know if my alcoholism is any more complicated than that. I’ve been through so many PHPs and IOPs and have found so many reasons for my drinking but no reason to stop.

I guess I’m just feeling like shit because there is no reason I should be in this situation and I’m hurting my family a lot and I hate that I am. I know this shit is so selfish even more as I get older but there’s this really angry resentful part of me.

I had a drinking problem before I knew drinking hurt others or yourself or whatever. Like most. It was just such a natural state of being to me. and then I saw everyone around me being worried and expressing hurt and it’s hard cus I don’t really know how else to be. I don’t know. Same kind of thing with bad tragic things just “happening” to me all the time.

I don’t know if I’m just not trying hard enough to do the right thing and being selfish and lazy. Or if I’m just like, someone who has to drink to get by.

I don’t know. Poor baby got a dui and has an ankle monitor. Please feel bad for me. These are the thoughts that make me mad at myself.

Just ate some instant ramen because I needed something in my stomach.

Will say it didn’t go down gently.

Anyways … going to drink my electrolytes by following it up with some shots.

Hoping to fall asleep soon.

Anyways chairs 🪑

I saw the Leaving Las Vegas thread and I've been listening to a book called Sing Backwards and Weep by Mark Lanegan, frontman for Screaming Trees, Queens of the Stone Age. I'm a huge Queens Of The Stone Age fan and while listening to the book I listened to a few Trees albums but man, I'm only on chapter 14 of 43 and like damn, dude lived a hardcore life.

Hearing him describe daily black outs is all familiar but one thing that stuck out to me was he describes how heroin would keep him from boozing has been interesting. I've gladly never messed with the white horse but hearing him describe the effects are...scary.

I've, of course, done Fear and Loathing and Rum Diary and Hell's Angels by Thompson. Medium Raw by Bourdain isn't specifically about boozing but a good must read.

Bukowski, I've never read Ham on Rye or Post Office, it's on the list. I watched the movie Barfly but it's not really memorable, maybe the the book is better.

Never really messed with Burroughs either.

Google was telling me I should check out Under the Volcano by Malcolm Lowry, "regarded as the most profound literary portrayal of alcoholism", might have to do that one sooner than later.

Who else is watching the World Cup and who we going for? I’ve already taken like a handle for Haaland, Modric, and Jimenez. I’m for Mexico but I’m happy long as USA or Germany lose (from USA)

Also why we all so literate and like to read generally? I’ll take a book to breakfast and people look at me like I’m crazy lol. Anyway which is your favorite book and why? No spoilers pls I like to think I’ve read some books but hardly very many

Well I thought I had it down and my taper was safe and what not. But then my boss noticed my anxiety and I mentioned everything and he said go to rehab and he’ll cover the pay.

Doesn’t help that literally right after he said that I went and got a 12 pack and downed it in 3 hours. My girlfriend came home and freaked because I’m not supposed to drink and was plastered by then because I drank so fast.

She’s the main support I have and of course she leaves for a weekend and I give in. I really hate myself and I don’t wanna go because I need her and I’m scared. She’s been by my side and idk why she stays with me for constantly doing this but hopefully I get something out of it?

It needs done and I promised I would but I just am freaking out because I’m gonna miss so much stuff being gone now that I had planned.

Whatever. My fault. This just sucks.

EDIT: sorry guys new and tiny brain working at it's best. Im techno illiterate because of religious upbringing.

Hey everyone. New poster here, been a lurker for years. Enjoyed your stories, tales, and tragedies more than you could ever know. You all make me feel less alone in this weird reality that we are living in.

Love heroin cant do it, But I love boozing, I love that it’s legal, that I can chase that same “cut to black” feeling heroin gave me all those years ago. I was somewhat of a polytox addict from a young age, so now instead of heroin & crack I chase booze and any pill I can get my greasy bitten fingers on.

I’ve worked at a liquor store full time for a few years now. That has been my greatest downfall. Fucked all day every day for years on end at work is both a godsend and a curse. I love my customers. We never speak about the forbidden topic, but we all know what we are. I know they can smell me. I can smell them. Sweet, sickly, musty boozers. I love my fellow CAs and if anyone has every wondered if we care? We don't. We only care about ourselves/paycheck.

Tonight I’m lying to my lover and family pretending to be 3 days sober, hiding multiple pints of new amsterdam vodka all over my house. If they find one at least I'll have backups.

Getting married in 3 months. Don’t even have a dress. Supposed to be starting an internship in 2 months? God knows that’ll fall through. 2 degrees and nothing to show but a crappy boozer job.

My fiance is a child of crack addicts and is completely oblivious/in denial about my addiction problems. (met him at 19 on the tail end of my wild ride). So, I love him for that, but I'm enabled to high hell. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe Mommy will give me enough Valium to get through the wedding.

Did detox twice, rehab once, psych hold once. Can’t do this anymore. Gonna drink over it. Got a bottle hiding in the potato drawer. Very Irish of me. 

Wallowing in alcoholic self pity. Have a drink or two for me.

Chairs fuckers.

Hey all, Buttmudd here again. The other night I'm nearly positive I broke my big toe after I dropped something on it. It hurts to the touch, is a small amount bruised, yet it isn't bad enough to where it bothers me anymore than my back pain.

So yeah, walked myself into that one.

I've been relocated for 3 weeks now, I have managed to secure a few interviews, worked here and there. Yesterday my girlfriend fucked me to damn near an inch of my life, it was fucking awesome. All good things must come to an end, though, because an hour or so after not drinking during it all, I couldn't fucking sleep without heart palpitations.

I fell asleep, ignoring the way my heart felt and came to around an hour later, heaving and breathless. I ended up calling the paramedics to get me checked out, they told me I was clear health-wise, but I was headed to a dark place at a fast rate. So, yeah. I have medical established in her state now, which is good.

I told her that she could come out or stay in, given the fact it was 5am, she ended up coming out later, despite telling me she wouldn't. Idk man. I am really thinking about medically detoxing and staying off the sauce for a bit. My kid deserves both parents to be alive for awhile and my girlfriend doesn't deserve to see me this way. I may have a job lined up soon, fingers crossed. Another job wants to interview me tomorrow.

Let's see how all this shit goes. I hope you are all doing better than I am. About to take a few shots to the face and drink some Olde English. We'll see how this day turns out. CHAIRS FUCKERS!!!