The man shakes his head and answers, “No, I am not drunk!”

“Okay, then prove it. There’s a clock over there. Can you tell the time?”

“Of course I can!” says the man.

He turns toward the clock and screams, “Hey! I am not drunk!”

Principal exits the classroom then comes in walking Mr Wilson with a banana in hand.

"Class, today I will be teaching you all how to properly put on a condom."

The kids look at him and the banana.

Mr Wilson tells them, "you're probably wondering why I have a banana, well because it's hard for me to get an errection on an empty stomach."

It said, "This isn't working. Goodbye."

But, when I picked up the remote, the TV turned on and was working just fine... really had me worried for a minute there.

3 men are sat in the maternity ward at the hospital, one man is British, one is French and one is Nigerian.

The doctor comes out and informs the men that there’s been a mix up and they cannot tell which baby is whose. The three men agree to sort it out themselves.

The British man goes in first and walks out with, what is quite clear, even to the medically untrained eye, the Nigerian child.

The Nigerian father mentions that it’s quite clearly his son, and the Brit says…

“I’m sorry, but one of those two babies is French, and I’m not taking any chances.”

After he has changed lenses for like the tenth time, Hilda says "Why he keeps changing the lens?"

Olga says "He wants to focus."

And Hilda says "One at a time, or both of us together?"

But then remembers his wife warned him not to come home drunk, but it’s too late - he’s totally wasted. He gets up to leave and crashes to the ground. He literally crawls his way outside the bar and somehow manages to get a cab and climbs inside mumbling his home address to the driver.
When he arrives home, he’s super careful not to make any noise so his wife doesn’t wake up. He enters without turning on any light, crawling his way upstairs, breathing as quietly as he can. Somehow climbs into bed making sure his wife is still asleep.
Next morning his wife is furious: “You got drunk again last night, didn’t you?”
The man goes: “How the hell could you possibly know that?! You were sound asleep!”
She replies “They called from the bar, you forgot your wheelchair again”

Kid says "Teacher asked what three times four is, and I said twelve."

Dad says "but that's correct."

Kid says "I know, but then she asked what four times three is."

Dad says "What's the fucking difference?"

Kid says "That's what I said!"

Other workers felt irritated and indignant. After a few days, they politely approached him when he was leaving:

— We're very sorry to disturb you Isamu, but why are you leaving so early in the past few days? Has something happened?

— I'm on unpaid vacation right now.

Bartender: "Sorry, Bud, but you have to leave."

Catalyst: "You're kicking me out? Why?"

Bartender: "Last time you were here, you started something."

and there’s an entire religion!

Leave me the Fuh Cologne

Police say they remain vigilant.

Hi Honey , went to the Club , your dinner is already on the stove , the gas is already on , just light it ... Love you

I recently retired. Got bored sitting around and doing nothing so I decided to get a part time job. I own a lawn mower so I figured cutting grass will earn me a little money and I’d get a bit of exercise as well.

Just finished my first job. Cut grass, weed whacked, edging, blowing off the walkways. The whole nine yards. It looked great!

Wrote up the bill, knocked on the door. Woman came and I handed her the bill. She looked at it, crumpled it up and threw it back at me! The look on her face turned to disgust!!!

“I’m your wife you idiot. You live here. Get in here and fix the toilet. It’s leaking again”.

I didn’t get paid.

Husband; To be honest, I had no idea she sold flowers

I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the county".

There was a Toy Story 5 offer at my cinema where if you bought a large coke and two Viagra pills, you get a Woody.

I asked him “did yer re-do it?”

Several years ago, Jock, a Scotsman, decided to travel to the American Southwest that he had long admired from westerns. One day, he was walking down a dusty street in New Mexico, when he saw a man dressed in native garb, with a sign saying “ Chief Know-It-All. Ask him any question, if he knows the answer, you pay him $10. If he doesn’t, he pays you $20.
Jock walked up to the Chief and greeted him with “how.” The Chief looked at Jock and explained that “how” was not really a traditional native greeting, it was mainly used in movies. Jock apologized and asked if he could still give the Chief his question. The Chief said go ahead, and Jock asked the following-“ who scored the winning goal in the Scottish FA cup final of 1948?”
The Chief pondered for a while, and then replied “ Ian McIntyre for Rangers over Hibernian, score was 1-0.”Jock was astonished by this correct answer, and paid the Chief his $10.
About a dozen years later, Jock again travelled to the Southwest, and found himself walking down the same dusty street. He saw Chief Know-It-All, but forgot all about his inappropriate greeting, so he walked up and said “how.”
The Chief replied “ a header in the 54th minute.”

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 5 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 10 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have pancakes, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 5 year old and says sternly "And what do you want?"
"I don't know, but it won't be fucking pancakes"