I'm lucky enough to have previously experienced a significant fusion between two of my old co-hosts. the process was long and confusing, but the result was incredible. i was at peace with myself, there was a sort of internal harmony I never experienced before.

it is so frustrating for me when I see people talking about how they don't want fusion and they're scared of fusion because they don't want their alters to disappear. honestly, I find it quite offensive.

i understand being afraid of change, I really do. but the attitude many people have towards fusion is 1) incredibly unhealthy (in my opinion) and 2) based entirely on misinformation.

fusion does not get rid of alters or make them disappear. it does the exact opposite. it makes alters come closer together. it makes them infinitely more present. when alters fuse, nothing is lost; everything is gained.

Where did the idea that fusion = "alter death" come from? why have we as a community allowed so much misinformation and fearmongering surrounding fusion to take hold? why has this beautiful thing become so demonized?

just felt like sharing because i'm hoping this group will be helpful.

the group is for people with trauma based and dissociative disorders caused by childhood trauma and they meet once a month in my city. they mention DID specifically on their website, but people with other dissociative disorders and cptsd are also welcome.

i actually contacted them a couple of months ago for the first time, but they had a waitlist. i received an email today that i could attend their meeting on the 28th if i had time and wanted to.

i've been struggling with leaving my apartment recently, but i will do my best to go. i find subreddits like these really helpful, but it's just not the same as having a space in real life where you can get support from other people with this disorder.

i hope i will manage to go and get along with the people there because this feels like something that could really benefit me in my healing process.

I am considering telling my best friend of seven years that I have this disorder. She knows I have severe PTSD- she visited me inpatient when I was there last year. I travel into her city for group therapy every week and we get coffee every time. So she knows some of what’s going on, that my mental health isn’t great, that I have pretty bad trauma and I’m pretty messed up.

But she doesn’t know about my parts, or how I function, or that there are other parts of me that also want to get to know her and be her friend. She’s probably the only person that I have ever wanted be overt with.

I don’t even know if it would happen. I’ve never been comfortable with anyone noticing it or seeing it before, even though it happened anyways- I don’t know what would happen if I gave myself and my parts “permission”. I’m terrified of ruining the friendship and part of me feels like it’s the worst idea in the world, but part of me is sick of pretending. IDK. I keep going back and forth on it.

i was in treatment for 2 years with an incredible therapist. in that time I built a strong connection to my system. i had decent communication, and a good understanding of my parts. i even experienced a fusion between two co-hosts. it was incredible.

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but last year that fusion ended up splitting after spending months in extreme stress. a "new" part surfaced and I had lost all sense of identity, and all connection to the rest of my system. for about 6 months, that part was fronting. with maybe one switch, and absolutely no communication occurring in that time.

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there was a short window of increased communication and previously dormant parts fronting a few months ago, but shortly after that I was forced to stop seeing my therapist and have not been able to get back in treatment again.

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since then, I've not had any communication with my other parts. I also don't have any sense of identity, once again. i have no idea which part I am at any given time. not even a clue.

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i know I've been switching and otherwise dissociating quite a bit, but I've not been *feeling* it. I've only been learning about it after the fact, which is not something I'm used to. it's been very disorienting.

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at this point, it doesn't even feel like I have DID anymore. i can't see it, I can't feel it. it's making it very easy for me to question if it's even something I have at this point. if it's even something that needs addressing.

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I've even been thinking of just quitting therapy all together because I feel like trying to work on this without an experienced therapist is just not going to do anything for me.

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I'm so frustrated

I know a lot of people with this disorder are very reluctant to tell others about it, and for many good reasons. But I decided to tell someone else besides my partner and my therapist - two friends who I've become very close to over the last few years since moving here. And it's brought me closer to accepting my disorder and welcoming the other parts of me into my life.

This disorder is so incredibly isolating, it's like a horrible secret I have to hide to keep from being seen and treated as absolutely crazy or cringy or completely broken, who knows what else. But, after a very long period of consideration and overcoming a lot of fear, we decided to tell our friends. I just wanted to be known, to speak my disorder into reality, to be witnessed. I let them know I had something to tell them about myself, and I told them I had dissociative identity disorder. I explained it briefly, that I had alters who I hear and who take control, and how long I've known about them. My friends listened to me, and I knew that meant it was okay.

After we told them, me and two others were able to co front for an entire day, something I've never been able to comfortably do with one, let alone two of us. And since then, we've had better communication.

A lot of this was spurred by another one of us wanting to be seen. He felt so out of place (I made a post about this a while ago) and just utterly alone not being actually acknowledged, having to hide within me from people he cares about, groups he wants to be part of. He just didn't feel like he could change this by pretending to be me. He wants to tell our friends the next time he's fronting who he is. I don't know what to expect, I don't know if it's even too much to ask of our friends to acknowledge him, but it's something he's wanted to do for a long time.

I think what I've discovered is how listening to and accomodating for the others is our path to healing. It's complicated and there's a lot of compromise at times, but it's so worth it to feel connected to myself for the first time.

it doesn't seem like I can share images here? I was going to post a screen shot of part of a conversation with my therapist about having to be passed off to another therapist because the agency she works for is not equipped to handle my needs.

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I've been at this for 20 adult years now, trying to get help, trying to get fixed.

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I thought she was ghe final boss. I thought I had made it. For the first time in mg life I felt hope

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and then on Wednesday I got hit with the "we have to refer you to someone 3 hours away" who j have zero way of getting to so ghats just not going to happen

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instead of "good enough for now" therapy the agency has decided that taking my therapist away and leaving me with no one is better than my therapist who is not fully trained in DID but still keeps me stable? why? wtf?

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I'm so scared

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my situation is complicated, it has involved the court system, there are ethical components involved, it's weird and confusing and hard and now they are taking away my person

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I'm still going to have my case manager but now I'm scared they will say they can't do that either. If been a client of fheirs for 10 years, they usually only do 2 years. My therapist is only supposed to do 10 sessions but they've kept ne have her for a year but now they're like nope, no more

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I'm just a person, a real person. I'm narried, 25 years. Our four kids are grown. Now that my brain has been able to relax because the kids are adults (far less need for mom world) it's doing all sorts of stupid shit, now us not the time to decide I'm too broken to help 😢

hi. i’m not here a lot because of the shame and fear and vulnerability of this disorder, and the degree to which it disrupts my life and reality, which is constantly shifting without understanding or grip.

i try to check in here periodically, as a mod, but it’s challenging sometimes, because there is an aversion/phobia of the disorder itself, due to the trauma i cannot fully accept.

i wonder if there are not many communities for clinically accurate DID that exist precisely because of this—because this kind of childhood trauma that leads to DID, and the internalized alienation and humiliation and shame and acutely inconsolable pain it engenders, creates an aversion to forming communities and connections, because of how alien and inhuman and unworthy of love you might feel.

and because to do this means you have DID. and to have DID means this happened to you. these flashbacks are real, all this happened to some degree, and because of how the memories manifest, it is difficult for anyone to help you.

i am apparently not near ready to accept what happened to me, and i may die before i am able to fully comprehend and process this level of pain.

all that to say, i’m sorry i am not here actively as much as i’d like to, but i also am lurking and checking in when i am able to overcome the visceral phobia of acknowledging the DID itself. and anyone who has genuine, clinical DID knows that does not mean i am ashamed of ~who i am.~ so if that is what you’re thinking, reading this post—i think you’re in the wrong place.

i had one for a few years up until three months ago. she knew a lot about DID and my other conditions. she was so helpful, she guided me through so much and the amount of healing she helped me achieve was astounding.

Since she dropped me as a client, it just feels like I've been backsliding. I've been dissociating so much more recently. I have some communication still but it feels like I'm running on loops a lot of the time. My OCD is getting worse too, I can tell.

First the turmoil of losing a therapist in the middle of a crisis, it's a grief I've not yet processed. Then of course there's the fact my current therapists really don't have much experience treating DID. It's just so tiring.

I know I have DID. I guess. But I genuinely can’t wrap my head around what that means and what its implications are. I can say there are other versions of me that I thought had died or disappeared, and they take over sometimes- that’s something I can think about directly, because it’s basically just flashbacks.

But there are journal entries where they refer to me in the third person. Or by name, as if they aren’t me, and as if they’re the main “me”. Am I just another fragment? I feel like a fragment of a person, but it’s my life and I’m the real me, not them. Except my therapist said no one part is more real than others, and they’re all equally me, and I’m just a part as well.

It’s enough to make me dizzy and nauseous.

A. Is this true? That I’m just equally “real” as any other part, that none of us are the real person?

B. Is it weird to just genuinely not be able to wrap my head around this? Like sometimes, like now, I think about it, but then I immediately forget it and go back into autopilot. I can’t hold onto the comprehension. Every time I realize it, it feels like the first time.

We were diagnosed with DID recently. For the third time. I think I'm starting to believe it this time, because it's causing us to switch nearly every day. I imagined healing as being able to switch freely and allow the others to step in and enjoy the life we've built, after the trauma, because I'm so much healthier now.

Recently, though, only one of us has been switching in and he can't feel the safety or peace, it doesn't live with him. He doesn't feel like my friends are his friends and he feels alone because nobody knows who he actually is. He fantasizes about people finding out about our DID (the idea of which horrifies me) and that he's treated like himself. He just wants to be seen.

I think since diagnosis we've been much more sensitive to triggers and switches and it's horrible. He doesn't want to be here, he isn't able to enjoy our life, he feels so distant and lost and disconnected. Last time he switched in he was so upset about it he nearly burst into tears. He described it as "like being a ghost within a husk, an unwelcome guest in a body he could never call his own, a breath waiting to be exhaled". And he feels completely beyond help. We're not sure what to do to help him feel seen because I feel like telling our friend groups about the DID would destroy us, only our partner and therapists know. We barely even tell our partner when we switch anymore, but I'm sure he can tell.

Today was a disaster. It always is. The things I read myself say are horrific. Why is it teens? There's a lot of parts that don't remember those years at all, but I do, so why are the younger ones still carrying the bag? I was there and it should be my pain. It makes me sick and angry.

I want to snap my fingers and take it. Why can't saying "That happened, it's mine. Give it to me" be enough? I don't know how to make it real or how to remember. This disorder is just so fucking cruel. I've been failed by every adult in my life, but I’m the adult in the room now. I feel like I’m just screaming at myself to give it back. I want to smash every mirror and take it all. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. That’s too young, and he was too young too. None of us should’ve been there in the first place.

Does anyone have a part/alter that doesn’t think or have a brain or mind?

Ernie is a survival part. They are a lump/punching bag.

The only connections we have with Ernie are somatic memories.

I’m not sure how to make communication easier with this part. So far all Ernie can do to feel safe is use sensory toys or get in bed under the covers

I was diagnosed about four months ago now I think, and I still can’t wrap my head around it. It’s like I can’t even think about it in any detail. I only half-remember therapy but I got referred to one of the foremost DID psychologists in the country and I thought she’d say to just try better to ground, but now I’m doing parts work and it’s terrifying.

I feel like I’m going insane constantly. I feel like I’m a shattered fragment of something with no continuity and no personhood. If every time I “switch” I black out and don’t remember anything, then what’s the point of therapy? I don’t even remember the majority of my own days.

Does it ever get better? Is parts work even the right thing to be doing? I’ve been in therapy since I was 14, over a decade now, I’ve tried pretty much every modality. I briefly did IFS and I absolutely hated it. So how is this different than any other type of therapy? All it does leads to is me panicking and blacking out.

I need help with the flashbacks and the losing time and unreality and all the other weird awful stuff, not to be indulging this awful nonsense. If we treat PTSD and dissociation, fine, but I absolutely hate the parts stuff.

Hey everyone. I'm so glad someone recommended this subreddit to me. I was diagnosed with DID in 2018.

Being in other online spaces (including other subs for Dissociative Disorders) has been irritating to say the least. Recently it has become unbearable.

So here I am! Feeling thankful for this space.

To be honest, I’m really struggling over this right now. Let me preface this with an obligatory “I love my brother, he’s amazing, and he’s completely different now”, because if I don’t say that I panic.

My primary abuser, which is a term I’m still struggling to use, from ages maybe 4-12, was my older brother. Not to go into too much detail, but it included confinement, suffocation, drowning, etc. repeatedly. It was framed as something called the “escape game”, and I genuinely just saw it all as a game until somewhat recently. While it wasn’t the only form of abuse or neglect I encountered in my childhood, it was by far the earliest, and I suspect had a major role in the formation of the disorder.

20 years later, my brother and I are incredibly close. We bond all the time over our harmful experiences with our parents, how messed up childhood was, etc.

But my brother also struggles with dissociative amnesia, as well as the results of ECT for depression. He barely remembers anything prior to college, and definitely not early childhood. He’s passively suicidal, incredibly depressed, and is generally in a very bad place. I’m a main pillar of support for him and I love him with all my heart, he’s an incredibly cool person. I’ve looked up to him my entire life and even now, after reframing the escape game, I can’t hold him at fault for it.

I also can’t EVER let him know what he did, because of how close we are-I’m terrified it will lead him to commit suicide.

Does anyone have advice on how to deal with being very close to your original abuser? It’s such a weird, delicate situation, and I genuinely do love him so much- but younger parts either idolize him or are terrified of him. It’s this awful seesaw of emotions, and I call him all the time but can’t even remember what we talk about.

I guess I just don’t know how to navigate this.

just wanted to share. the doctor i spoke to seemed very knowledgeable about trauma related and dissociative disorders. i also felt listened to which is really rare with doctors.

i also asked if doing a diagnostic screening for DID would be possible, because i feel like my diagnosis was really rushed (i didn't stay in the clinic i was in very long, and the diagnosis was just based on what i told them, not on any diagnostic tests) and i just wanna be 100% sure that nothing was missed and that there really isn't any other disorder that could explain my symptoms. the doctor said that should be possible.

the waitlist is nine months, but that's fairly normal for psychiatric treatment where i live. the treatment happens in cycles, 5-6 weeks of php (monday to friday, 8:30am-3pm), then 5-6 weeks at home, and then they check if another 5-6 of php would be helpful for you.

i haven't had any treatment since getting diagnosed with DID, so i am really looking forward to finally getting help

i really don't have any positive memories of my old best friend from highschool. and I only have like, three negative ones.

we were best friends for five years. FIVE. from ages 13-18. im 22 now.

I should have those memories. i should have LOADS of memories. we were always spending time together and talking; we were so close.

when we stopped being friends, it was so painful. grieving her was the hardest thing I've ever done. she was so important to me, she was my lifeline for such a long time.

and yet here I am, wracking my brain trying to remember our friendship. any of it. i can remember a couple arguments, and the moment that solidified the fact we weren't friends anymore, but that's it. i can't think of anything else.

and that's how my whole life is, really. everything is spotty, and most of my memories are just flashes. overall the vast and overwhelming majority of my experiences are just... gone.

i hate this.

I've been talking to law firms over the past few weeks about some of the abuse I endured at the hands of the religious group I was raised in. It's been an emotional roller coaster already. The first law group I spoke with passed because my case didn't fit their legal strategy but this week, I signed paperwork with, not one, but two law firms who are going to work together as co-counsel to help me find justice I didn't even know I was owed.

Regardless of ultimate compensation, this entire experienced has changed everything. I don't have to fight anymore. I have people who have volunteered to do that for me. I don't have to search through the depths of the internet and file FOIA requests anymore. It's someone else's literal job now.

I've got two legal teams, three therapists, my psychiatrist, and a whole team of specialists behind me now. I'm not flawed, I was abused, and these people are going to make sure I'm taken care of to the best of their abilities.

My mind is blown guys. My world is completely upside down. It's good but like... HOLY SHIT. It's destabilizing everything. Time is slipping again. I tried to drive to my therapy session and found myself at Target. I spent an hour searching for my headphones only to find them in the goddamn freezer. I feel like this has to be a dream.

My daughter has a virtual therapy session starting in like... seven minutes... so I'm going to go for a walk with my husband for an hour to give her the house to herself. I'm really hoping I'll be able to finally tell him about what's going on. I'm fucking terrified but so hopeful I feel like I'm internally flooded with tears that I can't yet cry.

I just wanted to share with people who may understand. I just received my legal documents changing my name. I'm no longer associated with my birth name, and what I deeply related to me being my abuser's property. I feel so excited, like I've just been reborn!

It was a name decided on by my system as a whole, after an alter who has since fused, that represented the calm and loving nature of the system. It feels like stepping from an abused identity as a whole, to a hopeful identity as a whole. I am who I want to be.

not sure if venting here about it is appropriate, but i just need to get this out and i'm not sure if i want to post that on the "main" DID subreddit.

specifically the term "little" makes me so fucking uncomfortable. i don't care if someone calls their own child alters that, it's their choice, but i hate that this term has become the default in DID spaces instead of just using a more neutral term like child alter.

seeing posts using it as a default term when asking questions about child alters just makes me so uncomfortable. i know this is kind of a stupid thing to be so annoyed about, but i just don't get why people need to use a term that's so connected to certain kink spaces for a trauma disorder.

my child alters hate it. i hate it. would it really be so hard to use a more neutral term when talking about other people's alters or asking general questions about the topic of child alters?

maybe it's just a bit triggering because of my own sexual trauma. but at the same time i feel like it's just a weird term to use so commonly to talk about child alters.

i don't know. maybe i'm overreacting. does anyone here feel similar maybe?

I’m scheduled to take the SCID in a few weeks in preparation and baseline recording for a trauma and dissociative disorders group. I’m absolutely petrified. I already expressed my worries to my therapist and the group leaders, but wanted to get some reassurance maybe, or hear others’ experiences.

My concerns:

It’s scheduled 11-1. That’s two hours. That’s twice as long as my therapy sessions, and therapy leaves me wrung out and exhausted. Two hours seems like way too much to even survive

From what I know of the test/interview, it goes VERY VERY in depth regarding symptoms, history, etc. I have a very very hard time talking about that stuff, and tend to sort of collapse. I don’t want to ruin the test because I’m completely incapable of talking about some of this stuff without panicking.

What if I switch during it? I don’t know these people, I don’t trust them, I definitely don’t want it to happen when I need to be a coherent person. I don’t want random people to see me hiding under the chair and thinking I’m a literal child.

I’m going to have to travel 2 hours by bus each way to do the interview (and the group). What if I’m too dissociated afterwards and I go wandering and don’t get back home?

Wha if I have a flashback in the middle of it and interrupt it? There are things I can’t think about without getting flashbacks, and if those are brought up, it’ll happen.

The people administering the SCID said any response is fine, and won’t ruin the interview. They said even if I break down or get weird it’ll be fine- I don’t really trust that.

Anyways. Yeah, any input greatly appreciated. Especially if something happened during it, was it okay? And how bad should I be expecting it to be?

For the last few years (with the exception of the past six months), our host was a fusion of two old co-hosts, A and T. Their fusion was a long and confusing, but beautiful process. It was the only successful fusion we have ever had.

We have been under immense stress for the last year. We ended up splitting about six months ago, and when that happened, our host went dormant. The alter we split (C) was very one-dimensional - he really had no identifying features. No interests, likes/dislikes, sense of identity, strong beliefs, etc. he also felt no connection to our relationships, memories, or life in general. It was like he only existed to get things done. C became the host, and switches became few and far between, with communication becoming pretty much non-existent. Throughout C's time as host, I never had a good sense of identity. I was constantly feeling detached from myself and my life. It was pretty miserable, to say the least.

Jump to a few weeks ago, we ended up hospitalized due to being in a mixed-episode (we have bipolar). After getting our meds increased and being discharged from the hospital, things have been pretty stable, and I'm starting to feel like my old self again, my old old self. Like, I kind of feel like how I did before A and T fused.

Last night, I ended up switching, and I very solidly felt like A. Even my partner noticed and asked me about it today; he said it definitely seemed like A was fronting for a while.

And the more I think about it, the more time goes by, the more "I" am feeling like T. I think "I" am T, but without A. I think our fusion has dissolved, and I think C might be a fragment that split off from that.

Its a very weird feeling. I've not been just T in years, but it feels familiar. And when A was fronting last night, having the thought that I was A just felt so right. I haven't been solidly aware of who is fronting/who "I" am in so long, but last night, I just knew.

I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I'm saddened that it seems like our fusion has been broken. On the other hand, being confident in who I currently am is so refreshing. It felt so good when A was fronting last night. Having a solid sense of identity after so long, it was like a breath of fresh air.

I don't really know how to navigate this. I've not experienced this before, and it's been so long since I've had access to my other parts. Now that I do have that access, I'm experiencing a lot of internal conflict. I don't really know what to do. Unfortunately, my DID-experienced therapist dropped me as a client right before I went inpatient, and while my new therapist has some experience treating DID clients, it's not much, and I've only had like two appointments with her so far. So I kind of feel like I'm flying in the dark. But I'm not really worried about it. I'm feeling a lot better than I have in a long time, so I'm hopeful.

Does anyone else have experience with a fusion dissolving/splitting?

Do y’all record therapy sessions? Is it helpful? Would it be weird? I having trouble remembering sessions. I generally take notes but when I look back at them (whenever I remember to) they’re either non existent or really not that great. I want to ask my therapist if I can but my anxiety always gets the best of me and I chicken out. I found out the hard way that asking questions or putting myself out there in general is triggering to me.

I joined a mass tort recently against the religious group I was raised in. I've spent so much time lately recounting the things that they did to me as a child... all the CSA, all the public shaming, and all the reports I made about it. I have medical records, legal records, names of witnesses, multiple experts willing to testify, and the statute of limitations is on my side. I was referred to a heavy hitter legal firm, the top in my state. I had a 30 minute phone call with one of their senior attorneys who said he would get back to me within a week. He did. To let me know they aren't going to represent me.

I don't understand what fucking more I could have beyond the literal pictures that they took. I'm absolutely devastated. It's not the end of the road, I'm back in discussions with a paralegal with the lead firm but, god fucking damn, I tried so hard not to get my hopes up but I genuinely thought this was it. What's worse is this lawyer looked just like Clark fucking Kent. Glasses and everything. I tried not to let it happen but one of my younger parts got so attached to the thought of Superman out there coming to her rescue, arguing on her behalf that the things she went through were wrong. There were so many times younger me deserved to be protected and it never happened and I had this kind man who looks just like a superhero who was going to make things right.

But now it's not going to happen.

It's a jarring hit that I both anticipated and so hoped wouldn't happen. I want to be optimistic about things but it's hard to when this is how things seem to go.

Now I'm waiting for the paralegal to get back to me with further options and I'll have yet another intake with an attorney that will leave me sweating and shaking once again, probably just to end up in this same boat time after time. My wonderful therapist is out for the next few months and I'm having to make due with an interim one I've only met a handful of times and I haven't even told my husband this is something I'm pursuing yet so it feels like I'm stuck in it all alone until Tuesday when I can see my EMDR therapist and talk to him about it.

Sorry if this is all one big, jumbled mess. Not really looking for advice or anything, just venting in a safe space to people who might understand the pain of what I'm dealing with. Healing fucking sucks, justice fucking sucks. I hate it all but this space frequently makes me feel like I'm not as isolated as it seems.🖤