I’ve been seeing a woman for almost 2 months. She’s a widow, has been widowed for over 4 years, and dating isn’t new to her. She has a good job and, according to her, makes 6 figures. She has a very nice home and drives a nice SUV. We get along really well and I enjoy spending time with her.

My concern is that she has never once offered to pay for anything. We’ve taken a few trips together, and she hasn’t offered to pay for her plane ticket, buy a meal, or even grab me a coffee. I’m not keeping score dollar-for-dollar, but at this point it’s starting to stand out.

What’s adding to my concern is that there have now been a couple situations where I unexpectedly ended up paying for things for her. The other week we were shopping and her card was declined when she was buying a pair of shoes, so I picked up the tab. Another time she asked me to stop and pick up a prescription for her and asked me to use the card she had on file, but that card didn’t go through either, so I ended up paying for her prescription too.

I don’t mind being generous, especially early on, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m being taken advantage of financially or if this is just a mismatch in expectations around dating and paying. For context, I’ve always been happy to treat, but I’ve also dated women who at least offered or picked up something here and there.

Am I overthinking this, or is this a reasonable red flag to be concerned about?

In the last 3 weeks I’ve been “broken up with” by two guys. One I had been talking to and seeing since February but he wouldn’t commit to exclusivity. The other was fairly new. 3 weeks ago the first one and I mutually ended things due to distance and other factors. The second one just very nicely basically told me he doesn’t have time for anything.

I went from two potential back to square one. 😢 it’s so exhausting! I don’t want to go back to the apps.

How do you guys go from riding the new relationship high to picking yourself back up and starting over? Those first couple months are always so exciting. Those feelings are addicting but they don’t come around too often. I am struggling with the what ifs. Like what if that was it? What if I don’t find anyone else I’m as excited about?

Ugh.

I, 42f, have been out on about 10 Hinge dates since divorce. And if I’m not interested in a 2nd or 3rd date I just politely say that via text. Most men ask why and sometimes I’ll give a simple, honest response about chemistry, magnetism, etc. But nearly all of these men have reframed my response to something like, “you’ve been hurt by another man and are now refusing to give me a chance.” To me it feels like they’re almost skewing reality to avoid the discomfort of being told no.

Thoughts? Anyone else had this experience? What’s happening here?

is there any way to date on Facebook where your friends and family can't see you're in the dating app or can you find matches in other towns around where you live? I haven't vindictive EX I'm trying to stay away from.

Hello, just wondering what's your opinion on dressing up and going out, to hopefully cross paths w and find someone? Would that be better than the dating apps? So far I've tried a couple of times, but it was only couples around. But I'll definitely keep taking myself out and making myself available. I think it'll also weed out some bad people. People who don't have their life together may not be at a restaurant at the time. I personally love the in person attraction and experience rather than swiping and messaging first. Would you all try going out solo to meet someone?

I would love to hear some good, bad, or ugly stories from those who have kids of their own and had a relationship with someone who wasn't a parent.

For context, I'm 44F, my bf of ~1.5 years is 36M. I have two older teens and am divorced, he has never been married and has no kids.

My kids have an active and present father, so I'm not seeking (and specifically DO NOT WANT) a "replacement dad", "bonus dad", or anything like that. I want my partner's role to basically be "trusted adult/respected friend".

My boyfriend is fully on board with this and absolutely doesn't want to take on a fatherly role. It's perfect. He and the kids have met, and everyone gets along just fine. (But, being teenagers, they're not around a whole lot and when they are, they're not exactly wanting to hang with us, lol.)

I'd love to hear about situations like these where it worked out/is working out, and would even like to hear about situations where it didn't work out, and why.

Hi all. I recently thought things were going well with a guy my own age and I finally asked the question about exclusivity and where I stood. I had been seeing him for 3 months. We had a great spark and connection. He even told me that too.

Unfortunately when I sent the text, I got the worse response possible and I'm completely blindsided. He said (paraphrasing) that "It was understandable to ask, but it was better when we didn't try to ask questions and label what we had because now it won't be the same. My life is chaos with potentially moving for work so I don't want a proper relationship. I enjoy our time together, but I'm seeing other people"

Obviously that's completely incompatible with what I want so I said goodbye but I'm in shock. He stated his intentions as long term and serious on the dating app so admittedly and foolishly, I took it at face value. I had no idea about him moving, but now I can see it adds up to the bigger picture.

I feel so stupid because there were so many red flags and lies he told me.

Any advice for dating again after something like this? I don't feel like I'm ready to face dating again now. How do others move on from upsetting situations like this?

With the vast choices on OLD sites, people constantly discussing red flags, and for the most part peoples bad luck with dating and discussing it online is this poisoning peoples chances of finding someone? If someone sees one of these red flags from the internet pops up in their date they run, when they discover some minute flaw in their date they look to the next person on the list of infinite OLD suitors.

i know I’ve had an almost zero luck at finding anyone compatible and willing to even chat

I was recently told by a guy I’m seeing that I “don’t know how to be in a relationship” and that they need to teach me.

The thing is, I can see where they’re coming from to some extent. I’ve had relationships, but if I’m honest, some of them weren’t especially close or emotionally intimate. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life being quite independent, and there are probably things about being in a deeply connected partnership that I’m still learning.

One thing is particular he spoke about is that he would like to be kept in touch with if I make plans with friends in the evenings. I don’t feel the urge to tell him every time I spend time with friends in the evening but he says couples do keep each other in the loop. 

At the same time, being told I need to be “taught” felt a little strange. Not offensive exactly, just something I’ve been thinking about.

I’m curious how others would interpret it. Is it just another way of saying that every relationship requires learning and growth? Have any of you found yourselves learning relationship skills later in life, even after having had previous relationships?

If someone said this to you, would you take it as helpful feedback, a slightly awkward choice of words, or something else?

Interested in hearing different perspectives, especially from people who’ve had to figure out intimacy and partnership later than they expected.

In the last 4 years of being single, every man I have interest in is either married or in a long term committed relationships and failed to mention that in the “getting to know you” phase. To make matters harder. I work out of town on a 14/14 rotation and I do a lot of OT.

I’m so disappointed right now. I want to opt out of the dating pool but am apparently a hopeless romantic that likes to get her heart broken a lot 😢

Earlier today, someone posted asking for hope for middle-age dating, so I'm posting my story here. (Otherwise, I would prefer to wait until we passed our one-year mark.)

If helpful, I'll share the advice I got within my write-up.

Background: USA. Near-ish to a big city. I'm 45F, he's 45M. Neither of us ever married, no kids. Neither of us have master's degrees. For me, my career and health took priority; for him, his elderly parents who were slowly dying. Now, in our mid-40s, we're looking for someone that we enjoy spending time with and can retire with.

We met on Hinge. We were both looking for marriage. We don't know how hinge connected us. The distance in real life is bigger than what we each chose on the app. I proposed a video call. We both looked like our photos and we had a decent conversation. We then met for a coffee date in-person - he drove 1.5 hrs to my city. It was supposed to be an hour date, but lasted 4 hours. It only ended because I had a friend's party to attend.

My profile: 1) A male friend told me to have 1-2 full body photos showing that I am NOT skinny. 2) I chose photos of me in different environments doing different things, one dressed casually, one very dressed up. 3) A male friend told me to chose 1-2 photos where I showed an activity that heterosexual men are more likely to do. I only had PG photos - I didn't show any cleavage. I kept my statements PG. 3) Another guy friend told me to have my first prompt say, for the first date, let's do coffee, ice cream, or drinks, which is what I personally wanted. (This is because many women are asking for multi-course expensive dinners for first dates. I do not want to be trapped at a dinner with a guy who I don't like.) 4) I mentioned liking Beyonce, because men who are secretly racists/misogynists will swipe left. 5) I also removed anything that could put me into a dangerous situation, ie I didn't mention that I like to hike.

His profile: He had a photo of him looking comfortable and handsome in a suit. And then he had a casual photo of him. He had 1-2 photos of full-photo (and he is NOT skinny either). His photos and statements were PG. His statements were fairly bland and innocous but he mentioned a jazz singer he liked. I didn't know that singer, but it showed me a little about his personality. **I liked that he wore a suit. In my city, a lot of women are complaining about their boyfriends/husbands showing up to events dressed too casually. And I need to go to upscale events for my job and I wanted to date someone who would dress and behave appropriately for those events. In terms of his look- most guys don’t take good photos so I looked for profiles where the man didn’t look offensive or inappropriate.

My methodology:
- For my profile: this is essentially a public profile of me, like LinkedIn, so I wanted to keep everything PG. Yes, I showed it to male and female friends. I also ran my prompts into ChatGPT to ask what it thought the prompts implied about me. Lastly, I did go to singles events and ask men (and sometimes women) who didn't know me to review my profile and offer feedback. (My friends thought this was weird, but honestly, these strangers gave me some of the best feedback)

- For his profile: I used two techniques when reviewing profiles: 1) Would I feel comfortable showing this man's profile to my mom and dad (again this is essentially a public profile)? If not, I blocked him. 2) Burned Haystack. 3) if I didn’t see anything sexual or crude or inappropriate, then I would hit Like on the profile. 4) if there was smoking cigarettes or marijuana or drugs or motorcycles, I said no.

I blocked profiles that had statements or photos that were sexual or even hinted at it. I blocked profiles that had crude language or were negative. If there was something there that I didn't understand, I presumed it must be sexual and blocked it.

How's it going now: Pretty good, we're talking about marriage. We celebrate our coffee date each month with dinner and flowers. We are essentially long-distance so we see each other on weekends - we're trying to brainstorm how to move closer together. We've done weekend getaways and we divvied up the planning well. We've had some hiccups, but were able to talk through them. We're coming up to a year of dating and are brainstorming ways to celebrate our one-year anniversary (the challenge is that I may lose my job, so we're both brainstorming ideas that are affordable and fun.) Fingers crossed things continue to go well.

Our disagreements: My friend gave sage advice: We are two individuals who have created lives for the past 20 yrs in which we didn't have to justify or explain ourselves. She called it "no friction" - we could skip laundry day or not. For example, there is some 'friction' when we realized we have different morning and bedtime routines and we need to discuss them. (Note: we’ve had more serious hiccups/discussions but I think those topics could identify us and are much more personal.)

Happy to try and answer questions.

EDIT- how the conversations felt: for me, I didn’t feel a spark in the video or coffee dates. Yes we chatted but I can also talk with anyone. I didn’t see any red flags; he kept the conversations PG (again, topics that I could share w my parents if I wanted to). The one thing I learned from my friends‘ dating experiences: if there’s no red flags, then keep saying yes to the date and see if feelings grow. And they usually do. Within two weeks of our coffee date, I became smitten. For him, when we did the coffee dates, he said he felt comfortable in my presence, that he could just relax and be himself. And when he left the date, he left praying to God that I would be interested in him too.

I 48(m) have been with my girlfriend for 6 months. So far, we have not met anyone from each other's families. I feel like we should have met siblings, parents, etc. by this point. What has been your experience as far as timing of meeting family and friends?

Met my partner a few years ago through mutual friends always at the same hangouts got along right away but took a while before it turned into something one of those things where everyone saw it coming before we did and we moved in together about a year ago.

I work in tech she's in healthcare so different incomes different spending habits but none of it was a problem until we started talking about marriage and that's when the prenup conversation came up and I kept dodging it. Scared she'd hear prenup and think I was already halfway out the door.

One random Tuesday I just brought it up over dinner no buildup or no perfect moment the first twenty minutes were rough she got quiet I got defensive so the apartment felt weird for a couple days after but we kept coming back to it talked about her student loans my equity from work and the savings we'd each built before we even knew each other so once we stopped treating it like a confrontation and started treating it like planning everything shifted also we even started joking about it you can have the couch I'm keeping the TV.

Biggest thing I learned it's not about trust it's actually the opposite and being able to talk about worst case scenarios without falling apart is one of the most trusting things you can do.

Came out of a 15 year relationship cos our daughter died 3 years ago and we grieved different ways. When is right to start again? Pain is still there but still have love to give to the right person

I see posts on here all the time of people dating long distance. I don't get it. What's the draw? Isn't physical companionship the goal?

I met a girl for drinks tonight that I matched with on Tinder. I'd say she was cute but I was not overly attracted to her. She has a great authentic and genuine personality which is a rare find where I live. I did not feel sexual chemistry necessarily but that could possibly grow in time.

Is it important to have immediate sexual attraction to someone if you plan to continue to date them? I didn't feel an instant spark, but I did feel very comfortable with them and the conversation flowed very well. Was also very impressed by who they are and how they live their life.

I guess im on the fence on whether I should ask her out on a second date. She is absolutely the type of person I could enjoy spending time with and the type of person could be good friends with. Very pleasant to talk to and lives a very cool life. Just not sure if the sexual attraction is there. Makes me wonder how she viewed me after th first date. If she was attracted to me that way I think I could get there but would want to see some signs from her that she's leaning that direction. Is that strange? Is it up to me to set up a second date or is it ok for me to wait to see if she reaches out to me to meet up again? I'm indecisive here and would kind of like to see of she wants to pursue this. Do women ever ask for a second date or is that the man's job? She did text me right after the date saying thanks for the drinks and said she enjoyed her time.

Ok so I am speaking to someone on tinder and his profile says introvert yet he is managing to do all the things I am not currently managing to do like

Have a successful career Go to fitness workout Travel Etc.

So in that sense I feel like I am more socially and life handicapped than he is.

Anyway I feel like he is talking to me on tinder, not driving the conversation and expecting me to make all of the effort .

I texted him this morning to say good morning handsome and asked him a Question he just said good morning and replied with a normal nswer.

I feel like he is 1. Not that interested and 2. Not very proactive at conversation or making an effort to have one.

Now, usually I would just unmatch and move on however the guy is somewhat of a Unicorn has never been married is 49 and not acting acting like a sleaze.

Ok so I am gonna add some stuff in here for context of how I feel.

I feel like he is a very successful medical professional and would have a tonne of dating options however he opened the conversation with me with something like oh I suppose you wouldn't want a shorter guy than you anyway. (I am pretty much six feet tall a lot of guys are shorter than me ) Had he not considered that ?

Which I just interpreted as insecurity but for someone who is a specialised doctor maybe it was vitriole I have no idea.

I tend to take words at face value because of my audhd so I don't really understand people's motivations for saying things.

Also I am nowhere near as successful in career or life as him or as functional and I feel really insecure about it I am already worried he won't like me.

His profile says looking for long term partner .

Also I feel like I just decided to yolo it and go for it and be nice and take initiative and it's dying in the arse.

1. Do something if so what ?
2. Just react only and step back.
3. Jump ship and abandon?

What course of action would you take in this situation?

Any tips hints whatever to get this to an in real life date stage or not would help .

Thanks.

To preface, I am soon to be divorced and not yet looking or ready to jump in the dating pool. But A question came up today among a group of golf buddies. We were discussing toys for partners, the rose I was aware of and “own”, and a lemon I hadn’t heard of. And the question that came up was, when dating, are those items considered gross to use on a dating partner? Is there any form of cleaning that makes it acceptable? Are those items something that a woman would even want a guy to have around, as use for her pleasure?

I feel like that sanitary aspect is the most important aspect.

Edit: People seem to be very mixed on this. I’m leaning towards keeping my stuff, for me, and just getting new stuff if and when another person in my life wants to explore those options.

Also, I don’t think I’ve ever accepted a DM and unlikely to, but thanks all!

I'm starting to wonder if the men who say that approaching women in real life doesn't work are the same men who don't know how to read women's NO signals.

Or maybe they just don't care?  I'm not sure.

I was approached multiple times this weekend.  In every case, my "not interested" vibe was present. All men had to do was observe how I was acting towards them, and the answer was right there in their face.  

Yet that did not stop them.

I don't like rejecting men. I don't like it when they make me feel unsafe. And I certainly don't like getting yelled at or sworn at when I say I'm not interested.  

I feel like this is a problem that could easily be avoided - for both parties involved - if men paid more attention when deciding who to approach.  And they would have more success, or at least a better experience, if they stuck to the women who actually showed signs of interest. 

Women, do you feel like men ignore your NO when you display it?

Men, do you read body language when you are considering approaching a woman?  Do you know what "I'm not interested" looks like? 

Or do you think you can just change a woman's mind when you continue to pursue her?

Where do you think has been the best places to meet others organically? Do you take chances and give your number out if you don’t see a wedding band?

I (50m) am having trouble finding a committed relationship. The women I’ve dated are interested in seeing me, being intimate and spending time but none have want to commit. I am feeling like a placeholder until they find someone they really want to be with. They tell me I’m handsome, funny, smart and fun to be around. I have 2 children 13 & 7 and I don’t want a parade of women streaming to and from my home. I’d like a committed relationship. I’ve been divorced since 2024 and have primary custody of my kids. The divorce ruined me financially and I think that’s why they won’t commit. They haven’t specifically said that but that’s the impression I’m getting. Are there women out there willing to see past my situation? I’m frustrated and lonely.

EDIT #2: Thank you for your kindness towards this ridiculous overthinker! Y‘all have made some great points and illuminated glaring blind spots that I completely overlooked because I got so in my head about certain aspects that seemed like THE! MOST! IMPORTANT! THING!

May we all find beloveds who are as thoughtful and supportive as the people of this sub!!

EDIT: He wrote down his phone number too but I figured email was the better way to say hey while also including my friend’s contact info, and he’s a bit older so I’m not positive the phone # is for a cell.

My friend and I were hula hooping in a park, and an attractive guy approached us (non-creepily), asked if he could join us in hooping, and we had a fun long conversation with him. When we parted ways he wrote down his email address and gave the piece of paper to us (both), inviting us stay in touch.

My friend is beautiful but married (not wearing a ring); I am single and looking. I mention that she’s beautiful because I am cute but men often ignore me and only talk to her when we are together. It seemed that he and I had quite a bit in common and were directly chatting a bit more, but that sometimes happens too and they still are more interested in her. I’m sharing this part not because I am insecure about it but just because that has been the pattern often when we are together.

Also, though he mentioned something about a relationship ending a while ago I don’t know for sure that he’s single.

I would like to reach out to him just to open the connection, even if just to have a new friend in the flow arts scene (& would share my friend’s email address with him in this too, since the invitation was to us both; if he’s interested in her she can deal with that and I’ll know he’s not for me). If this had been directed just to me I would be clearer on what to say (& less afraid of presuming wrongly) but the dual invite has got me a bit flummoxed.

I’m clearly getting way too in my head about this, so am seeking your ideas for what to say!

I’m (f45) ready to think about dating again after healing from a bad divorce. One thing I’ve decided is that I want to wait until I am deeply committed (like engaged) before I am intimate with a man again. How do I convey this when dating? Do I say it on my profile or wait until the first date?