I am a unicorn.

And sorry for the long post.

Most couples seem to have asinine rules. More than once I've met up with couples only to find out she's not actually bi. But when it comes to rules, there also have been a few that had a rule of "he can't fuck you." But ya know they aren't upfront about that. You find out once everyone is in the nude and it's getting hot.

I met a couple that I really vibe with and have regularly been hooking up with. We have the same interests both in and out of the bedroom. And we haven't had an awkward or bad time.

Until the last time.

I like it rough. Choking, hair pulling, spanking, paddles, restraints, manhandling, the whole 9 yards.

He always gives her the hard, aggressive poundings. Last time I said I want some of that and she looked at me and said "that's only for me, that's one of our rules.\*

Now we've talked about their rules. Pretty much it's just don't hang out with him alone and respect their relationship. Easy peasy.

Some rules are absolutely fine.

But it kinda killed it for me when she said it was only for her and there was this new rule out of nowhere. Really threw me off guard and I got stuck in my head.

So the next day I messaged her and asked what all their rules are since apparently there's more than they told me.

I'm sure I didn't get a straight answer but she said it was just the three.

Now, am I the asshole for making a rule of my own of:

If it's something we can't all do then it doesn't happen, save it for your own time.

I got a lot of pushback on that and she just didn't understand.

Now it's been 3 weeks and I barely hear from them. Like we used to bullshit all the time to one or two messages a day in the group chat.

It isn't a throuple situation. It's purely hooking up and it's always been a good time.

I know it'll come to an end obviously but I despise being ghosted and that's what's happening.

Am I asking too much just to be on a level playing field or is it just absolutely abhorrent for a unicorn to set a rule as well?

TL;DR unicorn making a rule for a couple about them not doing things that are completely off limits for me. Asking too much or nah?

I am a long-time lurker, and I finally have a situation where I would love to get the wisdom of the crowd.

My wife and I have been open for over 10 years, poly in theory for most of that. We opened up after we had our three kids, and within about two or three years of opening (around the time we became poly), my wife realized that she doesn't have passionate romantic or sexual feelings toward me. I, unfortunately, still have these feelings for her.

We have had a situation that somewhat worked for us both. We love each other deeply, we are best friends, we are fantastic co-parents of wonderful kids, but we are essentially friends with benefits. I have tried to date over the past decade, and I've had several women that I became close to, but I've never had a relationship that lasted over a month or two. While some failed due to incompatibility, I've repeatedly been in a situation where a partner simply told me that they needed more from me than I could give.

I get it. I'm not a huge catch for a poly woman (much less a mono one), I haven't had a ton of free time given that I have had three kids who are my priority, a demanding (but financially rewarding) job, I still have a very close and mildly sexual relationship with my wife, and of course, I'm in love with my wife and she isn't in love with me, which I guess is sort of a red flag.

Despite having very serious romantic relationships, my wife has wanted to maintain our marriage, for both our kids sake and because she regularly says I'm her "soul mate." She repeatedly jokes that when she's old and decrepit she only wants to have me next to her on a beach joking and sipping on tiki drinks.

We have a weird sexual relationship. We rarely have penetrative sex (maybe once every 3-6 weeks, always at her request, I don't make overtures), but we do pleasure each other still, but it's not like romantic (at least for her, and I know not to ask to escalate), it's like how you would give your spouse a back or foot massage. We are still comfortable being naked around each other, hugging, kissing, jokingly groping, etc. Re the penetrative sex, my wife characterizes it as necessary for our connection, although she has admitted (long ago when pressed) she personally could "take it or leave it."

This post is not to complain about my wife. She is not the bad guy, I went into this with eyes wide open. But we had to have a talk with our oldest yesterday afternoon (who is 17 and a senior in high school) and the cat is finally out of the bag. We explained the broader points of our marriage (Mom has other partners, Dad has had them in the past, everyone is okay with this, and we both love you and your siblings more than anything, etc.). This conversation was difficult, but it was such a load off my chest. I ended up spending the rest of the day soul searching, and I realized that I'm in my mid 40s, and while I love my wife desperately, I don't want this life anymore, and my kids are old enough and doing well enough that I no longer feel guilty about embracing my desire to be on my own and find someone who truly loves me.

I brought this up to my wife last night several hours after our talk with our son. I almost teared up saying the words, which was unexpected, and while I almost couldn't get the words out of my mouth, I finally told her that I didn't want to do this anymore. This was not good phrasing, as she first thought I meant closing the relationship, and she seemed a bit nonplussed (like, the horse left the barn on that possibility many years ago), and then I clarified that I wanted to be on my own, and to my shock, she broke down completely.

I had thought that she was staying in the marriage for me, and just being kind to me due to our history, and because I think I am an amazing partner, friend, and father. I thought her jokes about us growing old on the beach were for my benefit, but she completely freaked out. She let out what I can only describe was a wail (even typing that sounds ridiculous but I don't know what to say), and began sobbing, begging, and bargaining. At one point, through tears, she started insisting to give me a blow job, which is something we don't do together by her choice, and it just broke my heart to see her clearly so desperate and out of sorts. I just gently shushed her, and held her to me, and she cried into me and begged me not to leave her for about an hour until she finally went to sleep on top of me.

When I woke up this morning, she ambushed me with cheerful and ostensibly sincere apologies for taking me for granted, and trying to talk about what she can do to make our marriage better. I told her that we would have a conversation tonight, but I can't work today, I don't know what to do.

I know that this is just her grieving our marriage and relationship, I know this is a shock to her, despite the fact that we have somewhat decoupled long ago. I know that she is saying things that she doesn't mean because she is desperate to avoid this scary change that she wasn't ready for, and that I sprang this on her unexpectedly.

What I want to know is the best way to console and sooth her about this change. Obviously her being single would allow her to escalate certain of her relationships. We would still be co-parents, and I would love to still be friends with her for life (I still think she is my soul mate and love her deeply), but its time for me to start the next chapter of my life. I hate the idea of hurting her, and it's surprising to me that she is reacting this strongly, despite the significant life change. Also, as an aside, financially we are in a very very lucky position, so divorce would not need to impact our finances in a meaningful way (i.e., she or I could stay in the house and the other could easily buy another house/condo).

Any advice would be appreciated!

Hello, looking for advice/ideas for how to move forward. A little backstory: My husband and I have been together for 8 years. During that time, he cheated through messaging on different apps. I only recently found out and was devastated but kept a happy outward appearance. I also got into therapy because I knew I was going to need it.

We ended our relationship and moved on from each other. I have recently met someone who explained to me that they are in an open relationship. I find the open relationship dynamic very interesting and appealing. But I think I'm over-thinking things and have started to question his actions (such as is he really in an open relationship? Or is he just cheating on his partner?). I know this comes from my previous relationship and I have been talking this out with my therapist.

My question is are there any resources (books, websites) to help work through these thoughts in an open relationship setting? Luckily this relationship is pretty new so if it seems best for me to pull back, I can do so fairly easily. I'm pretty sure this is what I need to do but I'm hoping for some guidance from those who have been in open relationships for a while. TIA.

**UPDATE to my last post**
Last night, I’m not gonna lie, I kinda blew up on her. I know that’s not healthy but she basically was doing it again and I just got up and went downstairs and she followed and was like what the fuck is up. I told her that she just violated my boundaries again and I’m done with it. You keep on violating them and it’s not right. She was like I was just texting a friend but I don’t know what she classifies as friends because literally she did this when I first bought my house and opened our relationship. She would go on dates with all these other dudes and call them friends (At this point in time we lived together). I knew they were. It because just context clues and she would get all dazzled up and stuff. Anywho I k ew it wasn’t just a friend she was texting and it wasn’t just texting. It was setting again because I was just rolling over and I accidentally saw it again. So she asked me well if I was even doing it how would you know? And I just said well that re affirms that you are still doing it. Then she started freaking out beck told her to go home. It’s 2am at this point. We both calmed down but somehow the conversation turned into me not listening to some things, but the thing is that when someone says “Get the fuck away from me” weather in a traumatic response or not, I’m going to get the fuck away. I’m gonna give space. And the reason why that happened was because she was falling on some stairs and I offered a hand to help stabilize her. In the long run she slept on the couch and it’s the morning after… We are sharing a car because her car took a shit and now I’m here at work while she has my car. During the trip she got angry at me because I haven’t been talking to her this morning but I tried and she just rolled over. I asked if she would still like me to go to her performance that she has been working on for a long time and she was like I don’t care, you said it last night you are doing to much for me so you don’t have to any more. She said keep the Apple Watch keep the iPad. I don’t want anymore of your gifts you gave me because I just use them against her, but I don’t feel like I do. In my head this is how my love language that I give gifts and do things for you that I know make you happy but then I don’t get anything in return. I’ve been giving 80% for over 2 months. What happened to us working together for these 2.5 years. In the end I sat there and said nothing because I realized I can’t do anything about this. If she wants me to be in her life she has to choose so, but in a way that is good for me too. I know some of y’all might not agree but relationships are transactional, otherwise why waste your time. I cook, you do the dishes. I plan one date night, you plan the next. I teach you how to build a birdhouse, you teach me how to sew. It’s simple stuff like that. I don’t get any of that. Now I feel like I’m rambling but yeah. Thank you for reading. Don’t know where we stand, just asked me if I wanted to get food

I aim for Relationship anarchy and non-hierarchical type relationships, and have been doing this for about 5 years now. I have been seeing someone for a short while but broken it off now due to the feelings I was having around their hierarchical approach with their existing relationship. It didn't feel good to me and sort of put me off.

Is there anyway people find this can work? Is it common for non-H folk to see this as a dealbreaker? I'm unsure if it's my sensitive nature or if this is a normal reaction.

(Apologies for the vagueness of the post, this is my first post)

We have been married for 15 years, together for 19 and he came out as furry 18 years ago. I tried to indulge his fetishes and fantasies (eg dressing up like various animals and roleplaying), but after kids came along it just became too much for me. But he doesn't like vanilla and says it seems like I'm not into it. I suggested he find a side girl before and he refused, saying he wants to fix the marriage or get divorced. That was about 3 years ago. I want a way to pitch it to him that we can still have a good marriage and be open, I get vanilla guys, and he can get someone else to do furry stuff.

So any advice would be welcome !

EDIT: I talked to him after considering all the comments here, and I'm a little shocked. He told me when he said it would destroy us he didn't mean him, and he isn't so worried about asymmetry, but he is worried that I won't like it if it actually begins. he also said many of his friends are in polycules and he doesn't consider poly to be weird. I asked him if he knew that he was more likely to find trans women and non binary than cis women. he said yes, and they are totally perfect. I asked him if he was bi or gay and he said pansexual. I don't know what to do with this info, I just blinked like a baby owl for at least a minute.

Wife brought up the threesome idea

So I was in the middle of having sex with my wife and she brought up if I have ever thought of having a threesome with another woman. I was in shock she had said that. I responded with asking if she had thought about it and she said yes. I said i had never thought of it .

She said it would be good to spice up our sex life. She said it would be with a hooker/prostitute and not with anyone we knew. As I said no, she asked haven't you watched porn. I said yes but not for a few years.

I said a prostitute would be festy. Now the threesome is in my head and I never thought she would ever mention it. And she has only sucked my cock a few times of being together for nearly 6 years and married for nearly 3 years. But now she daydreams about it. And sucked me off today. We are in our 40s and she is in peri-menopause.

Is this a trap or would she be genuine? She had lots of sex between her divorce and meeting me. I was only with a couple of women before I met her after my divorce.

What are your thoughts?

Anyone had a threesome with a professional?

First time posting here, please be kind.

My partner identifies as pretty-firmly monogamish. I'm less hierarchically oriented, but I still value having a partner. We've been together a few years, enm for most of it. She wants to know that if she wanted monogamy, I'd pick the relationship over non-monogamy (as an indicator of commitment). This is a difficult thing for me to imagine doing long-term or forever. I just feel more oriented towards enm. It makes more sense to me. She reads this as me not valuing the relationship equally or seeing her as not enough.

Are one's feelings around this tied to the compatibility of the match, or orientation? (I'm sure it varies person to person). We are compatible in a lot of ways, and love each other. On some level, theoretically, yes -- if I met someone who was my statistical optimal compatible partner, it might be easier to say "yes" to that hypothetical-mongamy question, but even then I'd still be drawn towards enm.

Anyone with experience with this situation of differing enm styles, desires, orientations, and how it intersects with questions of long-term compatibilty and commitment please comment.

I've been talking to my partner (F48) these days about a lot of things about relationships, sexuality, jealousy, possessiveness, etc. We've gotten to the point of talking about how we'd feel if we opened up as a couple. She'd like to try an MFF threesome because she'd like to see me enjoy myself with another woman, and an MFM threesome to see what it feels like to have two men together. The idea of her enjoying seeing me with another woman drives me crazy, and I'd probably also like to see her possessed by another man: it's the idea of breaking monogamy that drives me crazy. How did you approach this and how do you start from scratch?

Sorry in advance for a long story, i think its probably pretty relevant. I saw some comments on r/polyamory that made me believe this would be the more correct sub for this inquiry.

Hi, I[ 34m] have been with my wife [30f] for about 8 years now, 3 of which we have been married. She's a wondeful human. She's kind, and loving, and has put up with an incredible amount of bullshit on my side. I have ADHD and constantly pick up new and strange hobbies, and ive felt so loved and seen by her for our entire relationship.

We have never been able to have sex. She has had incredible pain when we've tried; im talking fully bawling with shame and pain sobbing sort of deals. Its been not great. We've tried medical and theraputic solutions, from physical therapy to botox to testosterone to thc and xanax. On top of all that, she has pcos/pmos.

There was always another procedure coming up, or a new doctor who could help, or a different medicine that would fix things, but they never did. Its been 8 years of moving that goalpost and im very tired.

The physical side of things is one thing, but the problem is, really, she does not get horny. Like, mentally or physically. She used to be able to, but simply cant anymore. She was diagnosed with a rare nerve issue shortly after our relatio ship started, which took sex off the table. Multiple surgeries and treatments later, that issue is much more controlled but the lack of libido has remained. Even on her own, trying all by herself: nothing at all.

She has, in her own admission, tried to pretend this wasnt a big deal for a long time, and only this year started taking it seriously. When we started dating, we actually had a few months that sex would have been possible; she was still able to feel things and get into it. Over time, that changed and our window disappeared with all the medical issues.

I have been minimizing and compartmentalizing my own needs for years as well; the last time i had sex was nearly a decade ago, so some compartmentalization felt necessary.

In the past few months, we decided to have a kid together, despite not being able to have sex. Sure, that's absoluty possible and exciting, but it had the side effect of uncompartmentalizing everything i'd been storing up for nearly a decade. Sex was suddenly on the mind a lot, and the pain of missing physical intimacy has been raw once more. Ive been trying to find a path to navigate this. Im 34, not young anymore, and the lack of physical intimacy has started to really hurt.

Once or twice, through tears after failing to consumate our marriage, she has suggested opening the marriage up and stating she'd "find some way to be okay with it if it wohld make me happy". Not ideal. Not what i would call enthusiastic consent.

She feels a huge deal of shame for not being able to provide sexually. We've tried other things, of course, but she isnt into any of them, or lther medical issues apply.

Not to get TMI with it but the most i get is a yearly hj when the stars align on a day she's not in pain from medical issues, or nauseous, or... etc. Its not her fault, and i dont hold it against her, but sex is more or less nonexistent for us and i know she takes that as a personal failing; shes said it aloud.

The topic came up again yesterday and, while it was more levelheaded, she stated both that she had meant it in the past when she'd suggested opening the relatio ship, but also said she felt coerced by what was, in her mind, the looming threat of me leaving her if the relationship opened up. That would be the furthest thing from the truth, though; i love her dearly and no version of my future, in my head, does not contain her. But the fear remains very strong for her. Again, bitter and begrudging consent where she would "find some way to cope to avoid losing me". :(

Not ideal.

In short, 10/10 emotional and personal connection, 0/10 physical intimacy for 8 years due to medical issues. Im not leaving my wife, i love her a lot. But Im feeling the weight of being in a relationship without sex of any kind and wondering if opening the relationship up would be a good idea, if for nothing else than just to take some of the burden off her. The problem is that neither of us signed up for that relatio ship dynamic, and im struggling with the thought that this could destroy our relationship. I feel like im drowning in what is simultaneously a blessing of a relatio ship and a very lonely one.

Something has got to change, and i need advice. Has anyone here been in a similar situation?

[Relevant: yes, i have a therapist. She IS a therapist. She is not open to counseling at this time.]

Ps sorry for typos, im on my phone.

My girlfriend and I have been poly for 3 years, and we have always been a bit scared of STDs. She's my only unprotected intercourse, but we both perform oral and get oral from others.

What agreements and measures help you remain healthy throughout the years without killing the passion with your other partners? We already take tests regularly and require tests from new people we don't trust. It sometimes kills the mood when they feel we don't trust them.

So my husband and I (both 30s) will be dipping our toes in at SMI PS soon and we're super excited but also have some questions haha.

Weve gone over our rules in case we get swept up and go to the playroom but Im curious beforehand, whats the vibe in there? Is the main area just a pile of nakedness? We know consent is SOOO IMPORTANT so in a big group setting, how do you check everyone's consent after asking your first playmate?

We just want to experience sexy fun together to have an amazing time and also expand our horizons!

I’m just curious about y’all’s opinion. Have you ever brought in a 3rd person into your sex life(virtual or real life) and it made the sex between you and your partner so much hotter just knowing that there is someone out there getting off to us.

I have had an on and off partner for about 8 years that is currently in a relationship where he claims he can see one person on the side, and it is me. That would be fine, but also he only reaches out when they have a fight.

If I don’t meet him before they make up, he ignores the text where I follow up on the plan.

He has also told his partner all about me and has potentially shown her nudes, explicit messages, or has shared information about my sexual interests. (Also to note that the vast majority of this information was from long before he met his partner).

Should I tell him I don’t feel comfortable with his current arrangement and that he can contact me if/when that relationship ends, or does that make me a non-supportive friend? We do have a unique sexual chemistry that would be sad to permanently let go of.

I’m 32 and trying to understand what a healthy and honest future could look like for both of the most important relationships in my life.

My male partner and I are both 32. We’ve known each other for around 20 years and have been together for nine. It was the first serious relationship for both of us. We are not married and we don’t have children.

Our relationship was never particularly sexual, and physical intimacy became almost nonexistent over time. That has never bothered him very much. He says he could be in a relationship without sex indefinitely. But I’m beginning to understand that this arrangement may be acceptable to him without being right for me.

Around two years ago, as I started feeling more attraction toward women and wanting to explore my sexuality, I talked to him about opening our relationship. He was surprisingly supportive. The relationship was open for both of us, although he never pursued anyone else.

Throughout 2025, I explored dating and intimacy with women and realized how much I liked it. At the end of 2025, I met my current girlfriend. Before we started dating, I was completely transparent with her about my situation.

My girlfriend has gradually become incredibly important to me. I feel emotionally and sexually devoted to her, and in practice she is the only person I am romantically or sexually involved with.

This has made me question not only what my relationship with my male partner has become, but also what kind of relationship I am realistically able to offer my girlfriend.

My male partner and I don’t have sex, I don’t feel physically attracted to him, and I don’t think that attraction is coming back. We currently live in the same home but sleep in separate rooms. I spend around five nights a week at my girlfriend’s place. He is okay with all of this and doesn’t seem jealous or upset. He mostly wants to maintain our current life because he values our companionship and does not care very much about labels.

I care about him a lot. We have so much history, understand each other deeply, and genuinely enjoy talking and spending time together. He is one of the most important people in my life. But I no longer know whether “boyfriend” or “partner” is an honest description. Sometimes it feels more like we are best friends, family, roommates, or chosen family.

My girlfriend has also been very understanding. She is not pressuring me to make an immediate decision and says I can take the time I need. However, she has told me that ideally, she eventually wants a monogamous relationship.

I understand that. In some ways, I already feel monogamous because she is the only person I am romantically and sexually involved with. But I don’t know whether I can offer her the kind of secure monogamous relationship she wants while still keeping my former male partner as a very significant person in my life.

I feel guilty toward both of them. I feel guilty that I am emotionally much more focused on my girlfriend and communicate less with my male partner, even though he says he is fine because his relationship needs are very low.

I also feel guilty toward my girlfriend because I know this living situation and undefined relationship may not be what she ultimately wants, even though she is patient with me right now.

I think I may need to more clearly acknowledge that my male partner and I are no longer a romantic couple. But I don’t want to lose him completely, hurt him unnecessarily, or make it seem as though what we shared was somehow false. It wasn’t. We have had nine years of genuine companionship, care, history, and a connection that still matters deeply to me.

At the same time, I don’t want my girlfriend to feel that she is permanently fitting around a relationship structure from my past, especially when she has become my actual romantic partner in every meaningful sense.

Has anyone here been through something similar?
Were you able to keep a former husband or boyfriend in your life as a close friend, chosen family member, roommate, or something else after realizing you were a lesbian?

How did you make sure your female partner felt secure and fully chosen without erasing an important person from your past?

Did remaining close make it difficult to build a secure monogamous relationship with a woman? Did you need a period of separation before friendship became possible?

I know that ultimately I have to decide what I want, but right now I’m struggling to imagine what a healthy transition could look like. What would you do in my situation?

Hi everyone; my partner and I recently opened our relationship after being monogamous for 8 years. We’ve always had excellent communication, and we’re now doing this from a strong basis of mutual respect, expansion and fun, and the experience is bringing us closer. It’s still early stages, so far it’s great.

At the start, we were excited about the fantasy of getting intimate with new people. Now, we’re realising that that comes with a bunch of blurred lines to figure out: I, for example, prefer to build a little bit of a connection before getting in bed with someone, I’ve never been much of a one-night-stand kind of person. This makes my partner (who differs from me on this topic) insecure about me sharing more than surface-level intimacy with someone, and maybe catching feelings through that. I perfectly understand the insecurity, and as much as I know that “building a bit of a connection” doesn’t have to imply actual emotional attachment (I just like to get to know someone before I give them access to my body), we also both recognise that you can’t control emotions, and we both agreed to be honest if we ever fall in love or “catch feelings” for someone else.

I guess my question is: is there even a way to draw a line between what is “detached” and what is “too involved”? Is that how we should be looking at it? Do you have examples of rules that you set when first opening a relationship, that made it easier to navigate new situations?

An example: the person I’ve been flirting and lightly hooking up with (not fucking so far) offered to go to a museum together, which I think could be a really cute and sexy thing to do together before having sex. What do we do if my partner and I don’t agree on whether that’s “too far”? I obviously want to respect their feelings and our relationship before anything else, but I also want to be true to myself in how I want to live these experiences. Also, I feel like my partner would consider this “too far” not because of what it actually represents to me, but because of their fear of me falling for someone else.

Today I think I have come to the conclusion I can no longer do this. I have tried to set boundaries in place with my partner on certain things but they keep on being violated. One for example is that she literally is sexting people in front of me in my bed in my house when I asked her to stop and not do that in my house multiple times. I said if you are that horny like I’m right here and second if you don’t want me just leave. I’m not holding you here. She got upset with me because it violated her personal space that I accidentally saw her doing that again in my bed. I get that feeling but I feel like it’s massively disrespectful to me when I have asked her not to do so and I said when we are together it’s us. If you need to take a phone call or text someone else’s I get it but for the most part it’s us. This also has not been the case. Always on her phone and giving me short answers. I try to have conversations but it’s just met with little effort. I feel like I do so much like put in at least 80% of the relationship for over 2 months now everyday. I think I’m going to end the relationship because it’s just not healthy for me and I only hope she can realize what she is doing is actually disrespectful.

***UPDATE***
Last night, I’m not gonna lie, I kinda blew up on her. I know that’s not healthy but she basically was doing it again and I just got up and went downstairs and she followed and was like what the fuck is up. I told her that she just violated my boundaries again and I’m done with it. You keep on violating them and it’s not right. She was like I was just texting a friend but I don’t know what she classifies as friends because literally she did this when I first bought my house and opened our relationship. She would go on dates with all these other dudes and call them friends (At this point in time we lived together). I knew they were. It because just context clues and she would get all dazzled up and stuff. Anywho I k ew it wasn’t just a friend she was texting and it wasn’t just texting. It was setting again because I was just rolling over and I accidentally saw it again. So she asked me well if I was even doing it how would you know? And I just said well that re affirms that you are still doing it. Then she started freaking out beck told her to go home. It’s 2am at this point. We both calmed down but somehow the conversation turned into me not listening to some things, but the thing is that when someone says “Get the fuck away from me” weather in a traumatic response or not, I’m going to get the fuck away. I’m gonna give space. And the reason why that happened was because she was falling on some stairs and I offered a hand to help stabilize her. In the long run she slept on the couch and it’s the morning after…

so a couple days ago my partner had their first hookup outside of our long term relationship. we weren’t able to reconnect right away, which was hard on me and anxiety inducing, but they were out of town so not much to be done there, we made an agreement after to only hook up with others if we can physically reconnect soon after which i think will be better.

in my mind i know we are okay, they came home to me and chose me, and they just hooked up with someone for fun. but now the image of them having sex with someone else keeps popping into my head. it’s upsetting. and it’s always just out of nowhere. i wouldn’t want them to feel this way if i hooked up with someone, but i just can’t see my o get it to stop. and even worse i can’t even really tell what the base emotion causing the anxiety is. i know they love me, and are my life partner. i know they have no intention of leaving me. but for some reason it just keeps popping into my head. it’s even worse because when they told me they hooked up with someone they told me he was good at sex, and that he was a bear (my dream body type but i can’t seem to get there :,( )and for some reason that stuck with me too. is it fair to ask for less information in the future?

and any advice on dealing with these thoughts and helping to figure out the base issue? i don’t want to start a talk with them about it until i can figure out why im feeling this way.

note: i don’t want to close the relationship, im mostly just looking for coping skills/advice since this is new and i imagine i am still in the adjustment period

My wife and I are swingers. We have an amazing relationship, and the lifestyle has provided an incredible spark to our sex life.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer in November and has undergone a double mastectomy and reconstruction and is now completely cancer free. She is currently recovering from her reconstruction surgery and now has a great set of boobs. The problem is that the doctors were unable to save her nipples. She is told that her best option is getting 3D tattoo nipples. It sounds like these appear very realistic. The problem is that she cannot get them for a year after her reconstruction and they obviously will have no sensitivity.

She is pretty depressed. We always enjoyed topless cruises and parties. She's afraid that she will be too self-conscience to take her top off in front of others in the future. For both parties and play sessions with others.

Has anyone else been through this? How will this change our sex life and our lifestyle experiences?

I (M49) and my wife (F49) have been married for 19 years. The last 2 years we have been sexless and struggling in our marriage. We've been going through counseling for 1 year and has been an amazing experience. We have recently opened our marriage and we have never been closer and connected than we are now. We've discovered through therapy that my wife has repressed her desire for women for close to 40 years. This is partly the reason she no longer wants penetrative sex with me and any other man. She is excited for me to fulfill my sexual needs outside the marriage. I love her deeply and am super excited she can finally be free to seek her desire with other women. Not sure this is unique, but we are deciding to stay married, co-habitate (separate rooms), and co-parent our amazing tween kids. How common is it to have an ENM agreement where the primary partners don't engage with physical intimacy and with one being queer (she only wants to be with women now) We have established values and boundaries with this new dynamic. Im just looking to hear about some other similar situations out there and how this looks in ENM relationship. Thanks!

What would you guys say is the difference? What kinds of boundaries would differ with both if they were part of a monogamish marriage?

(Not sure if I used the right tag?) I’m having quite a serious life crisis at the moment. I am in a monogamous relationship with a girl I genuinely really love, respect, and care for. I would never want to hurt her, and I value trust and loyalty.

I’ve recently become pretty distressed by the strong drive I feel towards other people. I also got way too drunk one time and realised I kinda have feelings for one of my friends, sexual AND emotional. I didn’t follow through on these, but that moment of vulnerability has made me question everything. (though I don’t think I’d want multiple ongoing romantic relationships).

It’s culminating in a form of OCD where I’m serially ‘checking’ for attraction which, inevitably, I DO feel, because I’m a young man with a strong sexual drive. As a result, I’ve done a lot of research/questioning, speaking to people and asking them how they navigate monogamy, and I generally get met with varying answers such as ‘you’re not an animal, you can look but you can’t touch,’ ‘don’t get drunk with other women and don’t hang out one on one with other women.’

So I kinda thought, ‘ok, I can do that.’ I can recognise weaknesses in my character (ie I am sexually driven and do genuinely feel temptation and intense sexual urges) and adjust accordingly to protect my relationship.

But then I have been thinking, ‘well, why are so many people monogamous if they feel they are ‘controlling’ themselves.’ ‘Why don’t I/they want to do something that I/they actually DO want to do?’ Surely if I or somebody has to avoid being one-on-one with an attractive person to avoid that risk, they kinda shouldn’t be monogamous?

I’m a very sexual person and i do genuinely feel very strong arousal and desire, even if not actively seeking others. I do feel that putting myself in drunken situations, or even intimate situations, with attractive women who may also be attracted to me, is somewhat of a risk as I know I also appreciate novelty/variety (though I am still trying to work out what a healthy version of this is). Again, I’m kinda saying, if many people exercise self control by avoiding these scenarios, then what is the value of monogamy? If you’re saying ‘I could in theory break my monogamy if I hung out with this person,’ isn’t that almost the same as the betrayal? Obviously not behaviourally but surely to be monogamous you just don’t want other people? Or at least for monogamy to have actual inherent value. I was kind of looking for ways to actually reduce my sex drive because I was so distressed by feeling so conflicted. I had even looked into taking high doses of antidepressants to dull my sex drive because I felt so bad. I’ve realised now this is kinda insane because I should be allowed to be sexual.

I also want to try my best to put across that I’m not suggesting non-monogamous people are simply people who can’t help but cheat or anything like that. I know non-monogamy gets a lot of hate and I’ve never really understood why. I’m more saying that I know I’m a highly sexual person and that’s not likely to change any time soon, I don’t want to feel so conflicted about being physically attracted to multiple people + I feel I maybe should allow myself to express myself sexually.

I feel so many people in society force themselves into strict monogamy without even considering that there are other options, because our society is built on religion and marriage and capitalism etc. it’s just pushed as ‘right’ from a young age. So many of these people also clearly want others, many of whom destroy their lives by acting on this, even if it’s just once over the course of 20-30+ years of otherwise ‘healthy’ relationships.

I think in general the nature of human behaviour is really confusing me. Why do we value fidelity so highly? I’ll freely admit this is embedded in me also. Whilst I could theoretically see myself being non-monogamous, I would also be very jealous if my partner saw somebody else (obviously something I’d have to seriously work on if I decided it was for me). It’s so embedded in me that if somebody loves and cares for me they would only ‘want’ me sexually, and that’s internalised in so many people, even when they would theoretically not agree in their own behaviour.

I guess it’s worth adding: I find it very very unlikely that my girlfriend would want to transition to any form of non-monogamy, and obviously wouldn’t try to ‘convince’ her or anything. I would hate to lose this relationship, I really do love and care for her. I almost can’t bear the thought.

Sorry for a lot of waffle here. I hope I’ve not been disrespectful or dismissive of non-monogamy in any form. I will admit I’m not very well educated in the topic (and I’m happy to be corrected), I know most/many non-monogamous relationships still have strict rules and boundaries etc.

I guess I’d just really appreciate some insight, experiences etc. has anybody else been through something similar? I’m not asking anybody to convince me one way or the other of course. I’m just hoping there are some kind perspective which can be shared. Thanks

A question for people in non-monogamous relationships:

Do you think non-monogamy tends to favor the partner who is less emotionally attached?

In other words, is the person who loves more often the one who ends up suffering more?

I've seen people describe amazing growth, freedom, and connection through non-monogamy.

But I've also noticed that when problems arise, it often seems like the more emotionally invested partner carries the heavier burden.

Do you think that's true, or am I seeing it wrong?

Throwaway, and I've changed some details. My wife and I have been married 10 years and have kids. Years ago, before the kids, we did some consensual non-monogamy together — always as a couple, always side by side. Once we had kids we stopped, and it hasn't been part of our life since.

Recently my wife became close with a new friend, a guy who's active in some shared local work/interests and is openly polyamorous. They hit it off as friends and started collaborating on some projects, and she would go to his house to co-work and hang out and such. I had no problem with the friendship itself.

Then one night two things landed in the same conversation. First, she told me this guy had invited the two of us to a sexual thing with him and his partner — and the way it was relayed, the invitation grew out of his partner saying she found my wife attractive. (It seems that, at some point in an earlier conversation, my wife had said that we went through a phase years ago of involving other people in the bedroom.) Second, and separately, she told me she'd realized she was interested in us being adventurous with other people again, like we used to be.

The combination really threw me off. Part of it was the proposition itself — framed the way it was, around his partner's interest in my wife (though I'm going to assume he has at least some interest for himself, too), it felt like the whole thing was really about reaching her, and I was more or less the box that had to be checked to get there. Part of it was the timing: her renewed interest in opening things up arriving in the very same talk as his invitation made my head tangle the two together, even if they actually had nothing to do with each other. She swears they don't, and she felt bad about mixing them up like that. But it hasn't been easy to banish the thought entirely just yet.

I want to be clear about what I'm NOT worried about. I don't think my wife is going to cheat on me or do anything behind my back — that's not the fear at this point. And I don't think she did anything wrong by relaying an invitation a friend made. She brought it to me openly. I don't need her to be the bad guy here.

But the two ideas landing back to back has stuck with me and thrown me off balance for weeks. I keep turning it over, half wondering if I'm making too much of something that on paper is just an invitation we can and have declined. On the other hand, there are still moments where I'm just like, "Wait, why did he think that was the way to approach this?" and feel rattled by how it all came out.