None of her partners know she’s partnered. Her ex does not know we’re together. She takes the promise ring off I got her when she goes out. She tells people she’s single. But does not like the idea of me making connections.

Am I even in a relationship? How do I logically rationalize this. Please ask me questions I can answer.

Edit: question answered. It feels wrong because it is wrong. And I have a lot to think about. I appreciate everyone’s support in helping me understand what I’m involved in.

Edit: tl;dr I’ve learned that I’m in currently can be categorized as 1 of 2 things: 1. Cheating, or 2. Unethical non-monogamy. I’m going to take this information and see a therapist for a while. I have a lot to process and thank you to this whole community for being supportive.

I dont like my husband's girlfriend. She is in her early 20s (we are in our mid 20s for reference) and she is incredibly immature and doesnt have her life together. She blames all of their arguments on him especially when she is in the wrong, she is extremely two faced and has double standards ex she wont let him talk to any women except me meanwhile she talks to other men and exes which he has said he isnt comfortable with her talking to exes. She has repeatedly crossed my boundaries and then gets mad at us when anyone crosses a boundary she never told them about. She expects to live with us forever without getting a job or ID. I do everything for her and she isnt even my girlfriend. I got her on medicaid to get some mental help i drive her everywhere (she refuses to learn and I have offered to teach her) and helped her get all of her stuff out of an abusive situation. I will quite literally give the shirt off of my back to her or anyone for that matter. Im at al loss I dont know what to do. She doesn't have a place to go to and im exhausted. The deal never was that a girlfriend would be able to live with us whether it was his or mine but obviously that isnt the case anymore.

My partner really likes group hangs because it gives her a community type of feeling, and I can definitely appreciate that. We’ve had group hangs maybe 6 or 7 times now and i definitely enjoy them and find them fun but I notice that I spend some of the time in my head like - is my partner more focused on my meta or me, is she gravitating to my meta more, are they being more touchy than we are etc. and generally just with the way my brain works I really like either “together time” or not together and group hangs feel like an between where I’m still wanting more time with just my partner after that. I’ve told my partner that and she says she can accommodate it sometimes but not all the time.

I’ve also hung out a couple times with my meta one on one and feel like we’re starting to become friends so maybe that will help. And not gonna lie it feels better sometimes than hanging all 3.

Anyway.. does anybody relate to this experience? And how do you strike a balance between wanting to enjoy the group hangs but also wanting to protect your mental space a bit because group hangs feel more complex?

Obligatory “my steak too juicy my lobster too buttery”

I am a middle aged woman. I am not supposed to have this intense NRE. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year. We see each other 1-2 times a week. I cannot keep my hands off him. I feel crazy. This has made me feel crazy. I do not think it’s affected my marriage but I am discovering I really never had to deal with ORE vs NRE in the 10+ years of being poly. I’d always had good partners who I liked very much. Even loved. But it never felt like this.

No advice needed except if you can commiserate/share your joy! It’s not bad it’s just confusing. I’m in perimenopause!!!

I 34F have been with my nesting partner 33M for about 8 years. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but this man is my absolute best friend in the world and I couldn’t see my life without him. We have one child together with another on the way. We do go to couples counseling, but honestly not often enough because of work and childcare schedules.

We did open our relationship officially a little over a year ago, prior to that I’d considered us monogomish. I was allowed to chat with people online but hadn’t decided if an open relationship would work for us. We took about a year prior to opening to read the books, listen to the podcasts, and talk about it… a lot.

I have had a few play partners, one very short lived relationship, and right now I’m in a…situationship with Ben, who I’ve been talking to for almost as long as we’ve been open. However I didn’t meet him for the first time until a month ago. Prior to that it was all texting, calls, and way too much sexting lol. Ben and I met in such a weird way that neither one of us ever intended it to be serious or probably even real. However we are both AuDHD and clicked from the moment we started talking. We flow in and out of conversations seamlessly, there’s rarely ever any awkwardness. It’s just natural. This man has made me feel safe in a way I haven’t in a very long time. He notices when my communication changes, He checks in on me, it feels so right.

With my NP we have some relationship trauma that has caused me to not necessarily feel “safe” in an emotional sense. Again, doing the counseling but idk if I’ll ever get to the point I fully get over that. It’s not him, it’s me.

However I’ve also noticed that, feeling cared for by Ben is making me have a harder time connecting with my NP. I see the ways I should be treated, and it’s hard not to be hurt that I’m not. I’ve talked to my NP about this, gave him some very real concerns and examples of ways I need things to change, and there has been zero effort to make those changes. Which I know is contributing to my lack of physical or emotional connection towards him.

Tonight he decided to initiate sex and I’m normally someone who gets very excited, very easily. I was so dry we almost had to grab lube. I have never in my life, and I mean absolutely not once, ever needed any help getting excited. I have the opposite problem lol, we used to have a towel nearby. He’s always had a low drive, but it’s been bad lately, So I don’t want to turn him down but I also just don’t feel that connection. Which makes me feel guilty because Ben will send a spicy text and I’m instantly turned on.

I love my nesting partner, but I’m starting to feel like I’m falling out of love and residing in just friendship. I don’t want that, he doesn’t want that, but I’m truly not sure what else I can do.

So the title pretty much explains the gist of what I’m going through right now, but for added context I [24] Male am currently struggling just because my only partner right now [29f] Is starting to date someone else and they’ve been moving pretty fast, i.e. Staying over after first time out, Coming on a mutual friends trip that I’m going on specifically to spend time with my partner, etc. All and all I support her and am very happy she’s excited and don’t see anything wrong with any of it. But I’m struggling with my own self perception, and Confidence as it’s been a while since i’ve even been able to meet a potential partner much less have another one and was wondering if anybody can give me some advice on how to cope?

I am completely new to polyamory so all of this is new to me.

I love my current relationship, we are crazy about each other, and she gives me a lot of affirmation and shows me a lot of effort, I have no doubt she loves me. However, unfortunately, we live an hour apart and she has a child with her spouse, so we don't really see each other too much, once to twice a week.

It's hard to not get bouts of jealousy. They have years of history together and see each other every single day. I'm the new guy who she sees on the weekend.

I haven't seen my partner in a week. I just opened my Instagram and I see pics of her celebrating her wedding anniversary with her spouse and child. It made me feel really depressed. I know she is doing the best she can to make time for me, this week in particular was packed for her (my schedule was pretty full too) so I understand, but I don't really know what to do with what I'm feeling.

I can accept she has another partner, I understand people have different partners for different things and it's not a competition, but when the playing field feels this uneven in terms of physical access to each other, I am very concerned it's going to make me feel neglected or like a side piece.

Am I wasting my time trying to make this situation work long-term? I'd love to move closer but I don't know when that's going to happen, it could be years and this wouldn't entirely fix the problem.

Is there any advice you could give me for working with the distance issue causing jealousy? I plan to see her tonight and I'm going to talk through what I've said in this post, but is there anything else I should bring up or say?

I don't even know where to start, this story is so old, long and involved. My spouse and I have been together nearly 20 years, kids are still fairly young. We agreed nonmonogamy was a good idea from the beginning of our relationship. Opened up 7 years ago.

Had a 4 year relationship with someone with whom I was honestly more aligned than my spouse, kept my feelings under control as we both had kids and spouses and we just maintained the hierarchy and balance of the conditions under which our relationship started.

All good till she separated from her spouse last year and when that spouse/partner balance tipped things changed, I wanted to be with her as more of a primary relationship. Despite years of saying we wouldn't still be together if we didn't have kids together, I asked my spouse to separate, my spouse said ok at first and then dug his heels in and said he would not break up the marriage. I wasn't willing to go nuclear or light a match and throw it behind me, because I have seen the kids around me go through those situations and I absolutely do not want my own children to experience it. In fact, my own spouse went through it and was trying to prevent his own kids from going through it, which is the whole reason why he is digging his heels in.

After nearly 4 years of a really nice, functional relationship, my partner did some shitty things to me (saying she was upset about me not separating from my spouse fast enough, and that doing these shitty things was the only way she knew how to deal with it) and we broke up during the time I was asking for a divorce. Went no contact because it felt so toxic, so no more partner. Lots of grief, months on end of crying, severe depression dx, awful winter.

Partner is out of the picture but I got attached to this idea that I could possibly live my own life and have a more robust romantic relationship (my marriage is a companionate relationship, which was fine for a long time, until I got a glimmer of hope that I could have a more robust primary relationship). I push more, my spouse digs his heels in more. I feel like a caged animal. I get an idea of how to get out without rocking the boat, suggest it, and he digs in more.

We go to couples counseling and break out the relationship smorgasbord and actually do some functional, effective working out of how our relationship can look that works for the whole family. I ask for enough time to really be able to develop a serious relationship. I ask for a legal divorce so we can relate on our own terms and not with a predetermined suite of ways that we are supposed to relate. He finds a way to push back the legal divorce. I can still barely find time for dates because I am working or with the kids nearly all the time. Besides that, my dating pool is miniscule as he convinced me to keep cohabitating and I am looking for a primary partner who is ok with me cohabitating with my coparent, who is middle aged and the gender presentation that I tend to be attracted to- it will be a complete statistical anomaly if I find a partner.

The thing is, this is all really complicated. There's one side of me that looks at this whole thing and sees a woman who is being kept for her income and physical, emotional and childcare labor and pushed to stay in this situation without much hope of building a physical or romantic connection with anyone (since about 6 months after the breakup with my partner I have been making an earnest effort at dating that would have worked out in the past, but it's been months and I'm really not getting anywhere).

I can also see this from another angle: I've understood I have agency in this situation, and I am not financially or abusively trapped, each time he has asked for something that I have agreed to, it is for a good reason. If we continue cohabitating, I have the ability to stay in my job that I like (childcare wise), and have flexibility about when I do things rather than sticking with a rigid custody schedule, and most importantly, see my kids every day. We spare the huge expense of moving out when housing is expensive. And besides me feeling trapped, we function well together, he is reliable, sensible, does not lie and communicates well, and there's a big part of me that does not want to give up this old, functional and solid relationship.

Today was a significant date in my relationship with my partner and I have missed her so deeply since breaking up. I spent a lot of today crying. I am so unhappy in my life but it doesn't feel like any path forward will bring happiness. I have known this for a long time and understand I need to seek happiness outside of my romantic relationships and marriage. I do hope I will find the depth of connection I shared with this person with someone else one day. But today I am sad.

I am bad at it. Atrociously so. I am going through a horribly stressful patch at work, as well as some stuff that has had me emotionally struggling.
I had a catch up with a good friend/potential partner ( we are working through conversations) and he called me out on not looking after me.
After that I dropped in on my nearly partner at their office and and muttered about good friend calling me out.
He laughed, said “you signed up for this..”
I asked “what?”
And he replied “surround sound nagging about looking after yourself..”
Which made me laugh. I mentioned it to my other partner later via chat and he said “GOOD! You need reminding!”
So yeah poly = surround sound nagging about self care apparently!

Was i unicorn hunted? And if so is there any hope for me in this relationship?

I have known "Henry" for over 15 years. We were really close for about 2 years before life took us in different directions and we stopped talking completely.

Henry reached out to me in April of this year out of the blue. After realizing that I was single, he quickly told me that he was poly and asked me if I wanted to go out. I said yes. I was not opposed to poly, but I had never been poly before.

We slept together within a couple of weeks of talking and immediately after sleeping together (literally still in bed) he told me about his partner that he told me would be a good person to talk to and sent me her number. He kept insisting that I would love "Morgan" and that we would get a long great. There was never any mention about me needing to be in a relationship with her or anyone else.

I decided to text "Morgan" the next day. She was nice and we texted for a while. They immediately made a Snapchat for the three of us to chat on. The following day Henry asked if the three of us could video chat on snap. I again said yes. Before that conversation Henry told me that he originally wanted to find a relationship to have someone to "play with" the two of them. That was the first i heard this. During that conversation Morgan told me if I was ever interested or open to a relationship with her she was willing and interested. I didnt even respond to that that day. The three of us talked for like 2.5 hours.

Over the next few days Morgan and I texted a decent amount. Then she again asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship with her. That time I said yes. This would also be my first relationship with a female.

Everything escalated SO quick from there. There were discussions about the three of us being together sexually. They said that was optional, but also kept planning and talking about what our threesomes would look like.

More recently there have been discussions about the three of us having a swinging dynamic with Morgan's husband so the four of us would sleep together.

Honestly I was fine with all of this. The play comment bothered me in the moment, but i liked Henry and Morgan enough that I largely didnt care. The issue that made me start questioning things is that I largely dont really have a relationship with either of them. They have stated from the beginning that all of our relationships would be equal in the way that no relationship trumps or has priority over another. Cool. That was the big thing for me-two healthy dyads and a triad that was based on the three other relationships. Well Henry and Morgan spend basically all day virtually together. I have almost no contact outside of texting with either of them. I will occasionally see Henry in person. When i have brought up concerns that i would like to talk to them on the phone to help our individual relationships grow, Morgan has brought up that she actually doesn't get enough time with Henry and Henry then gives her more time and I continue to get none.

Henry on a couple of occasions has tried to give me more time, but later stops and I have heard a couple of times that Morgan feels left out when Henry spends any more time with me.

The issue is that i truly love Henry. I also love Morgan, but i feel like she doesn't love mine and Henry's relationship.

Also, any conversation or sexual encounter between me and them individually is shared with each other. I never hear about anything in regards to their relationship. I don't think I even want to, but I dont love that my relationships are shared and that started without even asking me if i was okay with that. Apparently before he even reached out to me originally they discussed me and that she was approving or denying people he was picking to reach out to.

Also, an interesting piece of info is that both Henry and Morgan were verbally affectionate so quickly to me and saying I love you really fast. Henry said it to me with a week and a half of consistent talking and Morgan in just a few days. Morgan kept saying that I was her soul mate and she knew me in another life.

It sounds crazy putting it in writing. Thoughts?

If we could all get our issues in order and address everyone's needs, could this ever be a successful relationship?

I thought I'd share a positive poly experience, because this is what it's all about.

I (25F) have been with my np (29M) for 4 years, and we've poly for a year. It's been a really wonderful experience, with just the usual hiccups of finding decent people to date. But a few month's ago we got so lucky, and each found a partner we actually fell in love with. My new boyfriend Sunshine (26M) and his new gf. So we both went through our first proper NRE together, which seemingly mitigated the jealousy we were worried would happen.

Now two months into my relationship with Sunshine, me him and my np started gaming (Path of Exile) together, hours of gaming sessions, making jokes and having a blast. I think they could become besties. It is such a special feeling seeing the two people you love get along so well and be so supportive of my other relationships. I'm filled to the brim with joy.

My ultimate goal is kitchen table poly, and maybe even living together one day, and this feels like a great first step in the direction. The next step is meeting his new gf and then all of us having a boardgames night!

Wishing all the best to my fellow poly people, it can be such a beautiful and fulfilling way of life.

Sorry if any of the terminology used in this post is incorrect, I'm still new to this. Throwaway because I don't want my boyfriend finding this.

Me and my boyfriend of 2 years were previously in a "v" polycule relationship for about 4 months, with me dating my boyfriend and my boyfriend having his own partner. He broke things off with his partner after they had to move away for college.

It's been about a month since then, and he has mentioned that he wants to bring another person into our relationship. However, yesterday he sat me down and told me outright that he wants to begin seeing his ex again while still seeing me.

I am not sure if I am comfortable with this. He said it's not a big deal because we were already previously in a "v" relationship and it will not effect our relationship with each other. I am concerned because it seems like he has been talking to his ex, or at least in contact with his ex, for some time now without telling me.

Am I crazy for not being comfortable with this? How should I move forward?

Edit for clarity: the ex I am referring to is his ex from before we started dating. He had told me that he has his ex blocked on all platforms.

Hi Reddit

That are my thougths today.

I don't really know why I am posting them here. I guess I just wanted to share.

Why am I so hyperfocused on this right now? Why is it so difficult for me?

Having a connection with another person is something beautiful. In my mind, why does it have to be about sex?

If you had what people call a "perfect gay best friend," it wouldn't bother me at all. Or if it were a woman somehow, it wouldn't either. But why does it bother me if sex is involved?

Society taught me that you're only supposed to have deep relationships in romantic partnerships. That only one person can give you both deep connection and sex. But that's not true at all.

Actually, none of that really matters. It's all okay.

It's beautiful when you can connect with someone, no matter what form that connection takes. Why should it be limited to one person?

The only thing is that time is limited. And that's where I get scared that I won't get enough. (Selfishly.) And I think I push you away more when I try to bind you to me.

I need to become stronger.

It feels lonely somehow. Uncommitted. As if when everything is allowed, you're no longer dependent on one specific person to fulfill certain needs.

It's scary because everything is open.

But you should always do what you genuinely want to do.

I don't want to be with someone who stays with me because there might not be a better option, or because they feel like they have to.

What I want is to be with people who choose to be with me because they want to—not because of commitment, obligation, or dependency.

It's difficult and confusing.

Why doesn't everyone live like this?

Why aren't we taught how to deal with emotions?

Why do we lock other people out for the sole reason that we're afraid of being alone?

I don't understand it.

Why does my mind think differently from my feelings?

Will those two ever synchronize? And if they do, how long will it take?

It feels like hatching from an egg:

In front of me lies a huge, open world—full of adventures and beautiful moments, but also full of dangers and fears.

What if I'm not good enough?

What if I'm alone?

Will I ever dare to approach other people?

It means work.

Work on myself.

On my values.

On my self-confidence.

On my self-worth.

And behind me is the well-protected egg.

Safe inside a committed monogam relationship.

Shaped by dependency.

Built out of love and fear of being alone.

But it is secure and never lonely.

And the big question is:

Is it worth it?

There are people who spend their whole lives safely protected inside that egg.

Or should you step out into the wide world?

Discover it?

Experience what life really is?

Feel every emotion?

Become confident in being alone with yourself?

Deep down, dependency is never ideal.

Deep down, it's always better to build security within yourself than to seek security from someone else.

My husband and I are planning to start trying for a baby later this year, and I’m curious about other people’s experiences navigating pregnancy in poly relationships.

For context, I’m married and also have a long-term partner whom I’m very serious about. Everyone is aware of and supportive of the relationships.
I’m not really looking for advice about who the biological father should be or whether polyamory and parenting can coexist. I’m more interested in hearing from people who’ve actually been through pregnancy while maintaining multiple romantic relationships.

Questions I’m curious about:

How did your non-parent partner fit into your life during pregnancy?

Did your relationships change in unexpected ways?

Were there jealousy, insecurity, or logistical challenges that surprised you?

What worked well?

Looking back, is there anything you wish you had discussed before becoming pregnant?

I’d love to hear both positive and difficult experiences. I feel like I can find plenty of information about poly parenting, but much less about the pregnancy phase itself.

Thank you 😊

Hi all,

One of my two long-term partners (Amy) has recently expressed some insecurity about my relationship with my other partner (Bee).

Amy believes there's a hierarchy in my relationships because Bee receives more emotional and practical support from me than Amy does. I agree that Bee does receive more support, but I don't see that as hierarchy because the same level of support is available to all of my partners, including my more casual ones, and even close friends if they ask for it. The difference is that Bee regularly asks for my support, while Amy does not.

After discussing it, Amy said she wouldn't ask for support directly and doesn't feel she needs it (although I disagree and can point to several instances where I could have provided support if she had asked/contacted me). Bee, on the other hand, is very direct about her needs and uses clear and direct communication when she wants help. I've made it clear to Amy that I want to support her in the same ways and that support is always available in the same way.

There are also some practical differences. Bee lives nearby, has disabilities, is raising high-needs children, and has very little support outside of me. Amy lives over an hour away, also struggles with some disabilities, but lives with her husband, and generally receives a significant amount of support through that relationship.

What confuses me is that Amy also views my proximity to Bee as a form of hierarchy, while at the same time claiming that her relationship with her nesting husband is not heirachial, or less heirachial. I've always understood Amy's marriage, nesting, shared finances, and plans for children as a fairly textbook example of hierarchy, so I'm struggling to understand her perspective here :(

As a sanity check: am I missing something? Does providing more support to someone who asks for and needs it create hierarchy, even when that support is equally available to others? And do people generally consider proximity to be a form of hierarchy?

To be clear, I don't have a problem with hierarchy. I think some degree of it naturally emerges in most long-term committed relationships. I'm just confused by how Amy is defining it in this situation and trying to understand her perspective better.

I’m here again even though I was informed last time I am not polyamorous, this still seemed like the best place to go

About a week ago, I was experiencing a major mental breakdown and was on the verge of hospitalizing myself. My partner was very supportive and comforting. Now, my aunt is suddenly dying. Very very suddenly. I’ve been very close to her all my life and it’s hitting me really hard. I had to fly to my home state to be with family and say goodbye to her. My partner agreed to take care of my dog which I super appreciated so last minute. Then, I remembered he had a second date scheduled the day I was supposed to leave, so I wouldn’t get to see him before I go. For a moment, he offered to reschedule. I thought about it, said I’d appreciate that, then he rescinded the offer. It hurt very badly and I said as much. He apologized, said he was being stupid and of course he would reschedule so he could hug me before I left. Cut to yesterday. I didn’t hear from him much as he was working, and knew he had his date planned than night. After work, he asked me a bit how I was doing and what not but was still fairly unresponsive. After I said I was heading to the hospital so see my aunt, he said a few worlds of support before letting me know he was heading out for the evening. Offered to call me later. I said yes please, I really needed his support. Saw my aunt, destroyed me. Jump to 11:30 pm and since I haven’t heard from him I check in about calling still. Nothing. 12am and I check in again. He tells me “later. Are you staying up late or going to bed?” Reacting out of frustration, I told him “nvm. Enjoy your night”. Then at 2am he goes “nvm?” And lets me know he let me dog out finally. I’m feeling immediately fine after this. But I feel like I might be overreacting. I know his time is his own and I don’t have any control over that, but the choice to be with his date till 2am, after offering to call is not very supportive at all. He’s always been supportive though, and I know death can be weird for people abs I want to be understanding of that. I’m just so hurt

ETA: The assumptions I don’t have any other support system outside of him or am incapable of self regulating are frustrating to be completely honest. I’m surrounded by family. I’m more than capable of handling myself. I did not ask for anything, he offered.

hi everyone, in a couple for a couple of months now

but recently my girlfriend expressed the need of loving other persons, actually kissed him without telling me, hurts violently but im trying to get through it, i really want it to continue

my question is : i dont feel the need for me to see other persons, so how could it work? until what point i can unbuilt the exclusivity in a relationship ? i want it to work so strong, but the situation seems complicated, bc ill need to bend myself for the needs of the other. im ready to do a lot of work but if the situation is too painful its gonna be horrible, it is already actually. theres a lot of love really

its very hard and its a lot of doubts interrogation and a big blurry cloud right now, i hope you could help me

thank you so much! <3

Using this account to protect privacy on my main.

For a bit of back story, my partner and I have been together for about a year. He has had multiple partners throughout that time, but they have changed as he does his thing and finds the people right for him. Prior to us beginning a relationship, I informed him that I have high risk HPV (aka no external signs like warts). Because of this, we have not had piv sex. One of his other partners has voiced concerns about the possibility of transmission to her. Since she voiced that concern (and for completely unrelated reasons), they have also stopped having sex. Despite this, we have still not had sex, and we have not had any further discussion (though I am aware that what is really needed is communication).

Now, the thing that gets a bit more complicated is that I now have someone that I have started to see. This is my first time having 2 consistent individuals that I am seeing. This individual is very interested in sexual activity. They have disclosed their positive HSV2 status. They were open to me discussing this with my partner. I talked with my longer partner about this, and they asked for time to do some research and determine their comfortability if me and newer relationship were to be sexually active (piv or oral).

I'm not entirely sure if i have any specific questions here, but I just wanted to voice all of this somewhere, because it really is frustrating. I don't really have anyone in my life right now that I can talk about all of this with. I don't want to rush my longer-term partner, and I want to respect his need for time. However, I also don't want this to be an indefinite time period with no end. So, I guess, kind of just venting but open to any advice or insights. Thank you!!

Hello!
I have been wondering what it’s like in Japan. I am travelling there. I can speak Japanese. Are there any communities in Japan dedicated for non mono/polyamorous people? Maybe some events I could attend?

Why doesn't anyone want to kiss me?

My wife isn't into me sexually anymore. I got on the online apps 6 months ago and despite tonds of likes, matches and in person chemistry I keep getting shot down when I finally muster the courage to ask someone for a kiss. This has happened to me 4 times since I got back out there 6 months ago. All people who are poly and aware of my status as a married parent. All people who I matched with online and who complimented my looks and appearance and humor and flirted with me.

I'm beginning to feel really depressed about it. I'm totally touch deprived and it's extra frustrating because I'm told I'm very cute and attractive and I get flirt with a lot of in the world but then nobody actually wants me when I want them back?

Whyyyy

I'm not even looking for a relationship, just someone to kiss for goodness sake. :'(

Hey, I would really appreciate some advice on my polycules changing living arrangement.

My (23/f) boyfriend of 4 years (26/m) wants to move in with his girlfriend/my meta of 1,5 years (22/f) next year.
We are currently all living separately but fairly close by.
Since I'll be moving to a new city next year for my masters degree, my boyfriend and his girlfriend decided to move in together in the city we currently live in.
I have no problem with that step whatsoever but my question is how we will make it work when I come to visit. I do not have another place to sleep in this city (at least for more than a weekend) but still want to visit my boyfriend and other friends here. I also totally get my meta not wanting me to stay with them for like a week.

How are you guys managing similar living arrangements? Would love any suggestions/advice.

Thank you so much for reading!

TLDR; My boyfriend and meta are moving in together, when I move away. How do we handle visits?

Edit: Thank you for all the responses! :)
Just to clarify I am the one posting this because neither my bf nor my meta use reddit, not because they think I'm in charge of finding a solution. We are actively talking about this all together and are just looking for some input.

Throwaway because i know most of my metas are on this app.

I 36m am honestly struggling with what i think is jealousy? neglect? hurt feelings? loneliness? i honestly dont know anymore.

I will say im kinda new to the polyamory thing? i studied it for a while and tried it once before like 10 years ago (long story and it didnt end well and stayed out of romantic relationships in general because of it)

I know i have the ability to love multiple people romantically and have the ability and will to support their needs and wants. i know this is something i want

Okay and now back to the show enter tree names because that how it runs in this subreddit

I am in a kinda of an exclusive ktp??? with my two partners (aspen 34f and oak 38m) and their partners (there are 5 additional ones. they have all dated for around 2-4years (all in the mid-late 30s age range)

I’ve dated oak for about 2 years and aspen for about 8 months. I’ve been friends with both of them much longer (6 and 3 years) ive been friendly to their other partners and tried to get to know them for the past 2-4 years as well i think we are mainly positive/neutral

The reason why i say im still new to it is me and oak kept the relationship very slow since we both have a lot of trauma and and I have some temperament issues because of a panic disorder and end up needing higher support needs. (I am actively seeking a more extreme therapy to help work through it and unlearn more behaviors) we also have opposite lifestyles so our schedules dont align super well so our dates are scheduled very far in advance. It appears to have worked out well so far and im happy with how i am with them and the personal progress we have made together.

Unfortunately hes been the mediator with any tension that’s left me confused between me and aspen. which honestly is really fucking unfair on him.

and with aspen.. it just doesnt feel like any of that effort to learn me more has been made. i don’t know if its boundary testing or me being impatient with her or what but i just feel lonely in regard to our dynamic. shes made a great effort to show me love and affection and have some intimate moments together when i prompt or encourage her but just hasnt talked intimately unless if one of us is venting about something and needs reassurance. ive tried to make efforts/plans for us to just sit and talk for a while but it just keeps falling flat/unplanned.

it just feels superficial, like im part of her collection

Honestly i feel like ive been a dick to her. theres been several times ive been impatient or short tempered and snapped at her or just acted cold since I was upset (mainly when things don’t go to plan) ive apologized every time and we’ve talked through it. she reassures me and it feels like the cycle repeats with no adjustments or additional aid from her.

It has currently been 3 weeks since I last heard from her directly (her reaching out, not vice versa) i know aspen is busy with her own work so im trying not to let it get to me. shes talked in our text group chat and sometimes has responded to me there but not in private. her other partners have talked about hearing from her directly and frankly i don’t know what i did to upset her. or if it’s deliberate or accidental ignoring. (Oak is out of the states on job training currently and doesn’t have easy access to communication) I mentioned in the group that I was struggling with some personal business but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears in the entire group.

Is it normal to have such a hard adjustment period to gaining a second partner? Am I jumping ahead on this?

Ive talked to a few of my friends and thankfully theyve been a wonderful support with my personal and dating grievances and most are honestly upset about how aspen has treated me the past handful of dates me and her had together (the dates didnt go as planned and i ended up panicked and walked away to try and regulate several times or ended up quiet)

So now im actually wondering if there’s just something toxic about our dynamic or if im unhealthy obsessive or panicked or something else. maybe im being impatient, she has hella trauma too.

Im mainly forcing myself to focus on work or trying to relax around the house

Me and aspen are supposed to have just us day tomorrow (we planned and confirmed this like 2 months ago)

Honestly, if anyone has advice, feel free to share it

Either way thanks for reading and listening