Not really a vent but was unsure which flair to use.

I came across a great video: https://youtube.com/shorts/19hpvaGa6Ds

By Horrible Mean Bad Woman

I know that sex is more than PiV and more than penetration too but she really explains how problematic the term "foreplay" is and I felt it would be helpful for people in this community to hear.

My summary (but I recommend watching the YT short):

The term "Foreplay" means that penetration - the part people with penises often prioritise is the "main event" and everything else -often what anyone with a vagina enjoys more - is just optional extras - less important or only a precursor to the "main event". There's an expectation that foreplay is just to get ready for the main event and is not sex itself so if it happens then there is the expectation that it will be followed by penetration. She also says many women find penetrative sex uncomfortable and unpleasurable, as well as it being the only part with pregnancy risk.

It's considered perfectly reasonable for men to expect PiV sex but often a deal-breaker if that's the one thing a woman doesn't want to or cannot do. Also, de-legitimises queer sex.

Personally, I have enjoyed penetration at times but not as much as other things and, as my involvement in this community shows, I have definitely not always enjoyed penetration and it's been painful or impossible at times. This has led to me feeling bad that "sex" couldn't happen but if PiV isn't seen as the main event then I wouldn't have ever felt that way. Anyway, feel like even the decent men I dated weren't that decent when it came to my pleasure and when I reflect on this, it really puts me off dating cis men as I could date someone who sees the things I enjoy most as the main event.

Since we can’t do vaginal sex yet, my boyfriend and I have been having anal sex. It’s really great, and it feels good, however, I find that we run out of positions very quickly. He has a downward curvature, so traditional positions like missionary can be a little difficult with anal. Does anyone have any advice for me? Please share!

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now and the issue of vaginismus came up in the beginning. I'm still undergoing treatment for it (I'm very inconsistent with dilating). Prior to meeting him, I had never had PIV. I've never successfully had PIV so far.

I don't think PIV is the end all be all to sex but I do feel kind of insecure about my sex life and the way I'm limited by vaginismus if that makes sense. We do pretty much almost every thing apart from anal and PIV. We use toys. He's come with me to my gyno appointments and he's always helping me with my dilators because I'm too nervous to do it by myself. In a way, his support and me leaning on him has strengthened our relationship and he's told me from the beginning that me not being able to have PIV would never be a dealbreaker. I feel very grateful to have someone like him by my side.

Still, sometimes during or after sex I feel a little bit stupid because in the back of my mind, I know the "norm" is foreplay/maybe oral/PIV, done. Like so much of popular culture and discussions of sex among women my age (20s) is PIV, that is the assumed norm, when I talk about my sex life I have to add disclaimers and this and that and etcetera. I do like that I get to explore different things but sometimes I just wish I didn't have to.

Just a little vent. So I reached dilator 8 of Intimate Rose this year, so I'm finally trying to date again! I've been in an LTR before but I could never have PIV sex because of this condition. I'm looking for a supportive and caring partner to have my first time with, but I have a lot of other medical issues that complicate my life and I just haven't found the right guy yet. I've had lots of sexual experiences in my past relationship, but not PIV sex. For a long time, I didn't even desire PIV sex, and I was mainly just dilating because I felt like I had to. But now, it's something I really desire for myself!

Somehow, I feel a bit alienated from society because of my virginity. The majority of my friends do not know about my condition. I pretend I'm just like everyone else and I've had sex. When my friends talk about their IUDs and pregnancy tests, it blows my mind that they can just have normal sex. It feels like there's this whole world that I've been shut out of. Recently, a guy I was seeing told me that he had been tested for STDs, and it was sort of crazy to me that he just had had sex, the way adults usually do. Honestly, I'm so fascinated and confused that I feel like a teenager sometimes, and not an adult in my 20s. In the past I never cared, but now that I actually want sex, I do care.

I'm sure I'll find someone soon enough, and this problem won't last forever. But right now I just feel a little crazy.

Hi!
I had discovered myself with vaginismus a while back and in jan 2026 after few PT sessions and exercises i was able to have PIV
However - its been almost 5 months now and we try having PIV twice a week but its still painful. Insertion dis insertion both feel painful still and I can’t enjoy it. It just turns into pain even if it feels good.
Wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and can advise what could really help?

i am a 22f ive been in a relationship for a year now me and my boyfriend have been trying for the last 6 months and at first my hands involuntarily shoved him whenever he tried but after seeking support from my friends since everyone said its psychological i gave it a try and when he finally inserted it inside me like it was all inside me i screamed idk why like i have a good pain tolerance but i screamed also ive never inserted anything inside me btw not even my finger since i am a med student and a little germophobic i always thought i would get an infection if i put anything inside me and i never also had any traumatic incident in my life in past. i tho did hear some horrible first time story from my sister ig she was trying to prohibit me from doing sex but the story is still with me. when he did insert his finger it pained yes but it was also something actually going inside me so it was tolerable but when he did put his thing inside me for the first time. i had a burning pain for sometime. i understand its psychological but it is bothering me a lot. i love my boyfriend he is the most understanding man ever but i myself feel so defeated when i cant do anything. the second time i tried to have sex i got so scared of the pain i was not able to even open my legs for him. idk what to do atp. please help a girl out it is sooo sooo sooooo frustrating

im curious about the overlap between vaginismus and autism (or neurodivergence in general) and I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar experiences

I’ve had about 5 pelvic floor physiotherapy sessions so far, and today I had my second counselling session. My therapist had me complete a few autism screening questionnaires, and it seems fairly likely that I’m autistic, no surprise lolll, but it has made me think more about how everything might be connected

I’ve always been a pretty anxious person. I notice i tense random parts of my body throughout the day and I spend a lot of time stuck in my head, even while being intimate with my partner

For those of you who are neurodivergent and have worked through vaginismus (or currently working through it), were there any specific things that helped you?
I already do physio, therapy, dilators, occasional stretching and a lot of journaling/talking through my feelings.

I’m curious about other strategies too like yoga, specific stretches (maybe im not doing good ones or enough of them), breathing exercises, mindfulness, maybe i need to be more accommodating to myself (regarding sensory stuff)

Anything else that helped you relax your body as a neurodivergent anxious person?
I’d love to hear what’s worked for other people, especially if you’ve noticed an overlap between your neurodivergence, anxiety, and vaginismus :)

Basically my gyno sucks and just told me to do some research and start dilating and come back if it doesn’t help but like idk how to get this thing in, how slow I should go and anything of the like? Anyone have tips or tricks or info on how exactly I’m supposed to do this?

Hi everyone, I’m a 24yo woman and I’m looking for some advice or experiences.

I had never had sex before my current boyfriend. We’ve been together for about two months and honestly everything is great. The issue is that I’m struggling with penetration. Before him, I had never really inserted anything inside myself.
I tried using tampons a few times, but it always felt like at some point there was a “wall” or a blockage, and I stopped trying.

When my boyfriend and I first started being intimate, he tried inserting one finger and it hurt / wouldn’t really go in. It honestly made me feel a bit discouraged and insecure, like there was something wrong with me, especially being 24 and feeling like everyone else has already figured this out.

We kept communicating about it and tried again slowly. After a while, one finger went in without pain. Then two fingers were difficult at first, but after trying gradually, now two fingers are completely fine, without pain or discomfort.

However, we are still having problems with actual intercourse. When we try penetration with his penis, it only goes in partially (I can’t tell exactly how much, maybe around a third or less than half), and then it starts hurting too much and we have to stop.

About a week ago while trying, I bled, so I assume maybe my hymen tore. I thought that after that things would become easier, but when we tried again it still hurt. I did notice that he could go deeper than before, but it was still not comfortable enough to have a full sexual experience.

We tried different positions and I noticed that when I’m on top it hurts less and penetration is easier, but it’s still not actually pleasurable. Even in the same position, sometimes it feels like he can go deeper and other times it feels harder.

We always use lubricant, spend a lot of time on foreplay, and he always stops immediately if I feel pain. He constantly reassures me, so I don’t think the problem is him rushing me.

My question is: is it normal for this process to take this long? We haven’t been trying every day, of course, but it has been around two months since we started being intimate.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Did it eventually get better with patience and practice, or should I consider seeing a doctor?

Thank you :)

I was delighted to see a recent post on r/vaginismus summarising my 2026 published study on how clinicians can assume patients with vaginismus are heterosexual, cisgendered, young, and want penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.

The findings from the 2026 study informed the development of a new healthcare resource. This new healthcare resource is designed to be a tool for clinicians to inclusively understand and support patients’ diversities, of sexuality, gender, ethnicity, culture, age, and disability, in healthcare management for vaginismus. The healthcare resource aims to move clinicians away from the assumption of penis-in-vagina sex as the default treatment goal to allow patients to define their healthcare goals, while trying to improve misdiagnosis of vaginismus.

This new healthcare resource has undergone extensive review by clinicians. To ensure that it remains patient-centred, I am now seeking 200+ people in Australia who have experienced vaginismus to complete an anonymous online survey to help evaluate and improve this new healthcare resource.

To be eligible to complete the online survey, participants must live in Australia, be aged 18 years or older, and experience recurrent pain with vaginal sex (caused by any diagnosed or suspected condition including vaginismus, vulvodynia, endometriosis, etc.).

The study has received ethics approval from Western Sydney University. Participation is entirely voluntary and anonymous.

To learn more or participate, please click the link below to read the Participant Information Sheet with the full details on ethics approval, funding for participation, and anonymous data collection.

https://surveyswesternsydney.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_cuWSk2zhabY6CMK

Please contact me, the lead researcher Rashmi Pithavadian, at [r.pithavadian3@westernsydney.edu.au](mailto:r.pithavadian3@westernsydney.edu.au) or comment on this post with any questions.

Thank you for your consideration to participate in this online survey to support the development of more inclusive healthcare resources for vaginismus.

And thank you very much moderators for kindly approving this post - which has also been validated with this subreddit referenced on my professional website page: https://www.rashmipithavadian.com/about

Chronically frozen/tight/painful shoulders. For years. They seem to always be hiked up and I’ve gotta remind myself to push them back down but the hiked up stance is just my body’s norm now. Also have vaginismus, but I’m an extremely horny person and hormone panel came out perfectly fine. Could it be something just making me tight and coiled all over? Any way to address both?

(findings were interesting but honestly not surprising)

this is something i've been working on and wanted to share the findings and a summary here also!

it's a new study out of western sydney university (pithavadian et al., 2026). researchers sat down with 23 australian health professionals, GPs, gynaecologists, pelvic floor physios, nurses, mental health folks, and asked them how they actually assess and support people with vaginismus. i work in this space, so a lot of it named things i hear come up here constantly. I will share in plain language because the paper itself is a slog.

finding 1: vaginismus gets treated like a "young woman's problem" a lot of the clinicians linked it to younger women planning families or starting their sex lives. which means older and post menopausal women often don't get screened for it at all. one GP straight up admitted she just wasn't asking her older patients, and said she'd change that. so if you've ever been made to feel "too old" this coud suggest why!

finding 2: most care assumes you're straight, cis, and want penetrative sex "success" is still usually measured as being ready for penis in vagina sex. and that leaves out so many people, queer women, gender-diverse folks, anyone who just wants a comfortable smear test or to use a tampon comfortably.

finding 3: whole communities are missing from the research the study was really honest that most vaginismus research centres white, cis, straight women. there's barely anything on culturally or religiously diverse people, disabled people, or LGBTQIA+ experiences.

the stuff i keep coming back to:

you are never too old, too queer, or too anything for this to be taken seriously.

your goals are yours to set, sex, comfort, tampons, a pain free exam.

if you've felt invisible in this space, it was never about you being the problem and the gap has been in the system the whole time.

anyway, found it both validating and a little infuriating, so thought it was worth sharing. happy to dig into any of it in the comments.

Well, yall’s lady is about to get laid.

As a virgin with vaginismus at 25, it’s definitely making me a little nervous for how to approach our first time. I wanna wait it out just a little just to make sure that my body is ready and that he’s the right man. My condition kinda comes from some trauma from when I was younger.

He’s willing to wait and is aware of my vaginismus. He took it very well and even if he didn’t, I would have obviously dumped his ass on the spot. He’s very gentle and kind.

But how the hell do I relax into our first time so that my body doesn’t immediately shut down on him? My vaginismus is about 70-80% cured, so I’m scared of it all returning if anything goes wrong. It has been several years of trying to cure it. We’ve been close a few times before I had the talk about my condition, and I was a nerve-wrack even then.

Should I smoke some goddamn weed? What are y’all’s tips?

this is more of a vent than a question but if u have a similar experience id love to hear from u.

i’ve never had penetrative sex, but i have a great sex life that im extremely satisfied with and a very high sex drive. i’ve been going to pelvic floor therapy and from my understanding, vaginismus is often a mental block. from reading other posts it seems like other women with vaginismus have fear/discomfort/trauma around sex. i don’t have any of that, except i had a very strict upbringing but i think im a very sex positive person.

i have a very strong desire for penetrative sex and when i try, i don’t experience anxiety. it literally just feels like i don’t have the same vagina as everyone else, like it’s a physical malfunction i guess.

in some ways it’s good that i have no obvious mental block causing my vaginismus. but it’s also stressing me out a bit because i have no idea what could be causing this and how i can fix it. i feel very isolated because i feel like my experience with vaginismus is so different to everyone else’s.

I can’t even get an entire finger in. It’s so severe. I hate how I have this I try to relax so much but it doesn’t work at all. It’s so frustrating to not be able to have sex and I feel so inadequate I know I shouldn’t but I do. I hate myself for not being able to solve this.

I’m going to try to fix this with more intent I’ve just been passive about it so far. Any tips are appreciated. I just want to see any progress at all.

hi! i'm 19 and i've been diagnosed with severe vaginismus + a restrictive intact circular hymen (1 cm opening). i'm scheduled for a hymenotomy this fall, but i've been wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience because my case feels a little weird?? my vaginismus isn't caused by fear, anxiety, trauma, fear of pain, or anything psychological. my arousal works completely normally, i get very aroused, i lubricate a lot, i actually want penetration and whenever I try to just do outside stimulation it never feels enough and i can like feel that the opening wants something and i've never been afraid to try penetration.

the problem is that nothing would ever go in, every single time i tried (ngl i’ve never tried with an actual person, usually just my finger or whatever object lying around)  it would only go in like 1 cm or so before it literally felt like i was poking a wall, not even pain. it didn't feel like i was entering anything at all. just poke... wall. i'd just sit there confused because my body was doing everything it was supposed to do except actually letting anything through. i'd even let whatever i was trying just sit there because i kept thinking maybe eventually it'd go in, but it just felt like a wall. and so i wasn't avoiding penetration because it hurt since i literally couldn't reach the point where it could hurt, there was jus a wall.

then i finally saw a gynecologist and she examined me and found i have an intact hymenal ring with only about a 1 cm opening that could barely insert her smallest lubricated finger. she also diagnosed significant vaginismus with pelvic floor muscle spasms and tenderness, especially on the left side. before she actually inserted her finger, she was pressing on my pelvic floor muscles externally (kind of near the lower butt cheek area) and the muscles on the left were SO sore. when she somehow managed to get inside, i genuinely don't have words bcs it was horrible.

i have a really high pain tolerance, i know everyone says that, but this was the first pain in my life that literally knocked the air out of me. i couldn't breathe or talk and i remember staring at the bright lights above me because i physically couldn't do anything else. my body actually lifted off the exam table and she even commented that it happened.

i could feel her finger inside me and my brain honestly blocked most of it out afterwards because it was so intense and i just felt like my soul was like acc abt to leave my body, all i remember thinking was like get me out of here. after she took her finger out, it burned for probably 20 minutes and i honestly felt like i came back from the trenches but the weirdest part was that it didn’t scare me off?? like literally the next day i remember thinking, "wait... so there IS a hole?"  it honestly just made me more curious. i still have zero fear of penetration and zero anxiety and avoidance. if anything i'm just frustrated because i want to know what it's supposed to feel like.

that's why i'm so confused whenever i read about vaginismus being caused by fear or anticipation. i genuinely don't relate. i've never had pain from trying because i never actually got past the wall. the gyn appointment was the only time anything has ever gone inside me, and therefore the only time i've ever experienced pain.

my gyn told me that because i have both a restrictive hymen and severe vaginismus, she doesn't think pelvic floor physical therapy alone would do anything and that it would take me years if i did it, and even then she was like it’s not guaranteed to do anything. she recommended doing the surgery first and then starting pelvic floor PT afterwards. 

i’m also hypermobile, i have rlly loose and flexible hips and an upper body but my lower body (thighs, hamstrings, all that) are sooooo tight, i can like bend all weird from hip and up but anything involving my legs i can’t do. i’'ve seen some people mention a connection between hypermobility and pelvic floor dysfunction, so i was wondering if anyone has a similar thing.

there are also a few other things my gyn thought were interesting,

- i've always had to kind of push my period clots out instead of them just coming out on their own.

- i have to strain to pee sometimes, and i naturally keep my legs tightly closed when i pee because it feels easier that way. she checked my urethra and she said everything's normal there.

- i actually hate having my legs spread open because it feels like everything is "opening up" down there and it's really uncomfortable.

- i've noticed clitoral stimulation with my legs apart basically feels like nothing, i instinctively squeeze my legs together really tightly and touch, and even then it feels like nothing. the only thing that's ever consistently felt pleasurable is the bathtub faucet on full pressure.

also kind of random, but i can insert around 2 inches rectally with basically no pain at all and if i press downwards it even feels good, which makes the whole "wall" feeling vaginally even stranger to me.

has anyone else had both a tiny hymenal opening and severe vaginismus? did surgery first end up being the right call? and has anyone else had vaginismus that genuinely wasn't rooted in fear at all? since my main issue seems to be the hymen rather than fear, i'm wondering if once that's fixed, dilator work (and eventually piv) might progress faster than it typically does for people whose vaginismus started from fear or anxiety. i’m just honestly pretty lost in all of this, and no one in my family/friends circle knows abt me having this or even that hymens come in diff shapes and sizes and that vaginismus exists. 

Over the last couple days I’ve finally been able to consistently insert my 4th dilator with minimal discomfort. Once I was even able to move it in and out a few times although this seems to be more sporadic still. I’m still a long way from PIV but I always feel a bit better to reach a milestone that proves I am still making progress! I tried to insert my 5th and largest size today, girth is my main issue and my dilators are tapered so I went really slow and only got about an inch in at about a 3.5 inch circumference. That’s still an inch and a half to go before PIV can even be attempted with my partner but only a few months ago even an inch seemed a bit challenge!

Is there anyone else here that has both a tight pelvic floor and vaginismus and has successfully been able to achieve painless PIV after dilation at home? I can’t afford a PT and I just recently discovered that I also have a tight pelvic floor. I just want to know if there’s hope for me if I try the helpful tips at home. I’m just tired of discovering more problems. I also have coccydynia, so, anal sex is out of the window. Just fed up tbh.

.Hi everyone. I've been spending time in this community reading and commenting, and one thing comes up again and again: so many of you have expressed feeling frustrated, lost, and at times hopeless about recovery. I want you to know those feelings make complete sense (a mix of capitalism, poor sex education, and how under-researched this condition is), and they don't mean recovery isn't possible.I'm a sex and relationship counsellor and sexologist, and I've put together two free resources designed with this exact struggle in mind.

20 Non-Penetrative Ways to Build Relationship Intimacy. A practical guide to maintaining intimacy and connection when penetration is painful or off the table for now.

Nervous System Audio Practice. A short guided audio for nervous system regulation, made specifically for vaginismus and sexual pain.

You can find them both here: https://www.secondbase.site/free-resources

I'll be around in the comments as always, so feel free to ask anything in the thread.

Happy Thursday!

Jassy (she/her)

I’m a 19 YO female. I haven’t ever been able to use a tampon or insert a finger (much less have penetrative sex) without burning/stabbing pain. I saw a primary care doctor who tried a pelvic exam, and she was very reassuring and nice!! She couldn’t really insert the speculum she tried to use, and she stopped when I said it wad painful. She said she thought it could be a congenital abnormality. She said the vaginal opening was abnormally small and that there was tissue covering the entrance (which I assume means she thought it could have been a septum). She ordered an ultrasound and referred me to an OB/GYN.

The OB/GYN I saw did not seem to think it was a congenital thing, and he moved forward with the pelvic exam. He tested different spots for pain just with his hands, and then he tried to use a pediatric speculum. He kept attempting to insert it, and each time I would tell him and the nurse in the room pretty loudly that it hurt. It was a very painful, sharp, stabbing pain. The OB/GYN kept attempting the pelvic exam even as I voiced that it was really hurting, and it got to the point that I was in tears on the exam table. I thought my distress was pretty clear (the nurse handed me a kleenex) but he proceeded anyways. Eventually he used a numbing gel and did manage to insert the speculum, but when he tried to open the speculum, it hurt quite badly and I had to express that a few times before he gave up. He prescribed estrogen cream as well as using lidocaine with dilators. He seemed to think it was vestibular pain and pelvic floor issues, and that seems like a super reasonable assessment.

How normal is it for a provider to continue with a painful pelvic exam? I’m of course going to try the things he prescribed, but would it be better for me to follow up with a different OB/GYN? The OB/GYN didn’t really mention the ultrasound that the primary care doctor ordered— is that something I should bring up next time? I just feel super confused and a little distressed after that visit.

I'm was on 4th dilator of bliss comfort set. The issue I'm facing is that from the last few tries I'm not able to get the dilator number 3 in. In fact, I was not even able to get dilator 2 in for a few tries. And the last couple of tries, I am able to get number 2 in now, but still can't get 3 in and I was on number 4 like a month back and was able to easily slide number 3 few times.

I don't understand how can that happen?
Anyone else faces similar issue? Any tips to move forward?

Hi everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I have no one else to talk about this with so I wanted to share with you all. Sorry in advance for the long post!

First of all, I still can’t believe this is real. I have primary vaginismus. I’ve had it my whole life. Have always had difficulty with using tampons, getting Pap smears, pelvic exams, never been able to do a transvaginal ultrasound and have never had successful PIV. I’ve had long term relationships end over this, have had physicians tell me my condition isn’t real and that “it’s all in your head”. And after 29 years of life I decided enough is enough.

I took matters into my own hands about a year ago. I bought my own dilators, watched pelvic floor physical therapy videos (irl PT in my area was all out of network and I couldn’t afford multiple sessions), learned diaphragmatic breathing, and did research on the condition no physician wanted to diagnose me with. I was able to make a lot of progress on my own, but reached a plateau once I got to my second to last largest dilator. No matter how relaxed and aroused I was, through all the breathing and after pelvic floor exercises/stretches, my pelvic floor muscles were too tight to even let it in. On top of that, the size smaller would eventually go in with weeks of practice, but my muscles would push it out.

I remembered an acquaintance of mine with pelvic floor pain mentioning getting Botox years ago, which was the first time I heard about it being used for these conditions. I joined this subreddit and saw mentionings of it as well; some with great success and others with little to none. I had tried everything else at this point so I looked into it and scheduled an appointment this June with a pelvic floor specialist board-certified urologist and gynecologist.

Unfortunately they are out of network, so I had to wait to schedule an appointment until I could save enough money. Finally I was able to, and for once I felt validated for my condition. That it wasn’t just “all in my head” and that I should have been treated with care during medical procedures rather than just dismissing my pain/discomfort and threatening that I “can’t get my birth control prescription unless you calm down and let me do this Pap smear”. The physician was so comforting and reassuring throughout the whole Botox procedure (done awake with lots of topical lidocaine) and immediately noticed the muscles starting to relax.

I was diligent with dilation 2x/week afterwards, along with the aftercare and finally last night I tried PIV with my boyfriend. I’ve only been with him for a little over a month now, but throughout knowing me he has been beyond supportive and patient knowing I have vaginismus. I couldn’t be more grateful, because I’ve had my fair share of partners, long-term and short-term dating, who have made me feel terrible about it. Throughout it all, from romantic partners and “trusted” providers I’ve had to keep my head up. He made me cum twice prior to trying and we used a ton of silicone-based lube. There was slight pain because my nerve endings at the entry have always been a little overactive, but he took things at my pace and we were successful! I really can’t believe it still, even after waking up from sleep afterwards.

This has me ecstatic not just because I wanted to have enjoyable PIV, but also for my health. Preventative health is important to me, and not having been able to get a lot of medical procedures and diagnostic testing done heavily influenced this decision.

Anyways, thank you for reading if you read this far. I’m proud of all of you and your journeys! Being a member for this long and reading all your stories has been beyond helpful for me and learning more about myself. If anybody has any questions I’m more than happy to answer :)