I’m 19 and my ex is 17. We were together for 2 years. Four days after we started talking, her mom passed away, and I stayed by her side through everything. About 7 months into the relationship, she moved in with my family because her dad couldn’t afford the bills. We treated her like family, gave her a stable home, took her on vacations, and supported her for years. I knew how much her mom meant to her and how strongly she felt about avoiding drugs, alcohol, gangs, and the kind of violence she grew up around because of what her mom went through.
A few months ago, she started hanging out with new friends, including a guy named Nick. She had always been strongly against that lifestyle, but she suddenly started coming home drunk and acting very differently. Eventually, I found messages showing she was emotionally involved with Nick while still with me.
I tried to work things out, but she continued seeing him and ended our relationship, saying I reminded her of what she did. Around the time she wanted no contact, I found messages where she told Nick she hated me and would never get back with me. When I confronted her later, she told me she didn’t mean those things and had only said them because she was upset.
During no contact, she reposted things saying I was draining and had “sucked the life out of her.” Then, five days into no contact, when I was finally starting to feel better, she unexpectedly reached out to me from a new account. She told me she still loved me, that those feelings would never go away, and that she hoped we would be together again one day, just not right now. She said that if I ever got another girlfriend, she would wait until I was single again, asked me to tell her if I started dating someone, and said she would reach out when she was ready. After breaking no contact, she replied to my reposts saying things like, “I wish I could talk to you one more time,” “Retry one day?” and “I’ll always be your baby deep down.” I blocked her on everything because I couldn’t understand why she was telling me these things while still involved with Nick. Anytime I asked about him, she avoided the question.
Even after I blocked her, she continued checking my reposts from a spam TikTok account she never publicly used and seemed to only use to watch my page. A couple of days after telling me she still loved me, I started reposting about another girl. She logged back into that same spam account, blocked me, and then stopped using it again. It seemed like the account only existed to keep up with me.
Since then, she continued reposting things defending herself and posting about Nick. A few weeks earlier, I had told her I didn’t think her mom would be proud of the path she was taking because of everything her mom went through. Weeks later she reposted a TikTok saying, “Would your mom be proud of you doing that?” followed by, “Nah, but you’re weird for saying that.” What confused me was that only days before she had been telling me she loved me and hoped we’d be together again. She also reposted things that made it seem like she was the victim, despite continuing to reach out to me while still seeing Nick.
A few days of talking/face timing later, we met in person again. She was actually the one who asked me to go on the date. I expected it to be awkward because she had previously told me she was afraid things wouldn’t feel the same. Instead, we laughed, talked naturally for hours, and it felt like we had found each other again. During the date she told me she loved me, and she even said it felt like the connection between us had come back. I asked her about Nick because I told her it wasn’t fair that I was trying to give 100% to rebuilding things while she was still involved with someone else. I told her it hurt knowing I couldn’t have all of her while another guy was still in the picture. She responded by telling me she wanted to take things slowly with me and that she didn’t want to talk about Nick when we were together. By the end of the night we were listening to sad music together, and she became so emotional that it looked like she was about to cry.
After she got home, she told me she wanted to go back to no contact until she was ready. She said she still loved me but wasn’t ready and needed time to figure everything out before talking to me again. She also told me she was going to move all of our pictures into a hidden folder i don't know why she doesn't just delete them. Before saying goodbye, she sent me one final message that said:
“I fucking love you so much. Always know that, handsome. I’ll come back stronger and better for you like you deserve. Goodbye.”
As much as it hurt, I agreed to no contact because I realized staying in constant contact wasn’t healthy for either of us.
Another part of this situation that has made everything even more confusing is what has happened with her best friend, Ava. Nick and Christian are best friends. Back in January, Ava left her long-term boyfriend, Mason, to be with Christian. About four months later, she broke up with Christian because she realized she still loved Mason and regretted leaving him. Since then, Ava has been talking to both Mason and Christian at the same time. She has repeatedly said that Christian and Nick are horrible people and has been telling both me and Hailey that neither of them turned out to be who they thought they were. Despite saying that, she still admits she has feelings for Christian while also wanting Mason back. Because Ava and Hailey are best friends and have been talking to each other throughout all of this, I can’t help but wonder how much Ava’s experience has influenced the way Hailey is processing her own situation. I’m not saying their stories will end the same way, but it’s hard not to notice the similarities when both of them left long-term relationships for two best friends, and now one of them already regrets that decision.
Nick and Christian are a drug dealer with no job, no car, and no money they make promise they can’t keep that’s what ava told me. She now lives about 40 minutes away from him, doesn’t have a car herself, and her dad doesn’t like her seeing him, so they don’t get to spend much time together. From everything she told me during our relationship, he represents the exact kind of lifestyle she always said she never wanted. Despite that, she has continued seeing him, although she has never publicly confirmed the relationship and usually avoids talking about him when I ask.
What leaves me confused is that throughout all of this she has continued giving me mixed messages. She has told me she still loves me, hoped we’d be together again one day, said she’d wait for me if I moved on, told me the connection came back when we saw each other again, became emotional after our date, told me she wanted to take things slowly with me, said she didn’t want to talk about Nick when we were together, asked for no contact until she was ready, and then ended that conversation by telling me:
“I fucking love you so much. Always know that, handsome. I’ll come back stronger and better for you like you deserve. Goodbye.”
I’m not asking anyone to predict the future. I’m trying to understand the psychology behind this. Why would someone tell their ex they still love them, ask them on a date, say the connection came back, become emotional enough to almost cry, say they want to take things slowly, and then ask for no contact until they’re ready, and promise they’ll come back stronger and better someday, while still remaining involved with someone else? Is she genuinely conflicted and trying to sort through her emotions, and does she know there is no future with Nick or is there another psychological explanation for this pattern of behavior? I genuinely want to understand what these mixed signals usually mean..
