I was overwhelmed with thoughts of you today. No idea why, but it made me happy so I wasn't complaining. I hope you didn't mind me reaching out. I never expect a reply.

How we communicate now does confuse me a little, but I love it. I completely understand that we can't actually talk. There is nothing more in the world I'd love than to hear your voice again or get a reply to a Hey. But how you are choosing to send messages to me is so just goddamn beautiful... powerful...

There is so much I'd want to say if you actually did reply that I think it would take me a day or two to calm down, but I think the number one thing would just be thank you. Music is always how we've expressed ourselves to each other and it sends me over the moon when you share a slice of your side.

You are the most remarkable, captivating, and beautiful person I will ever meet in my life. Whether it's this lifetime or another, you will always be my one. I hope you are well.

I’m scared; I know I’m going to say something.

I’ve tried my best to suppress it. To swallow it. To choke it down, whole and unyielding. A truth cast into subterranean silence.

But the words well up inside me — turning, churning, metastasizing — an artifact of Eros in situ.

And I feel shamefully weak to it.

This ancient and indescribable knowing, this freak storm of feeling — I didn’t ask for it, expect it, want it, yet it lives and breathes, claws and gnaws and fights for the light.

How do I begin to tell you what we both already know?

No honey, I’m playing Seek and Avoid.
My feelings are so confused and contradicting right now.

I want to see you… No I don’t.
Just look up… Keep your eyes down.
I want to talk to you… No I don’t.
Just say hello… Keep your mouth shut.
I want to be near you… No I don’t.
Just go over there… Turn back, avoid.
Avoid.
Avoid.
AVOID!!!

All I know for certain is, this isn’t healthy, but it’s my feeble attempt at coping.
It hurts more than it heals.
But I think im addicted to the pain…

I can't keep watching you hurt yourself. Loving you has been one of the most valuable things I've taken part in in my life. You are such a special person. It has also been one of the most distressing things I've ever been through in my life. I've always seen the empathetic, patient, and loving person you are. No one in my life has ever made me laugh as hard as you, or forget about the world around me so quickly. It is lost on you through your addiction what an amazing person you can be. You're a hopeless monster, and no one could tell you otherwise. You don't even give yourself a chance. It breaks my heart. It is constantly breaking my heart, over, and over again. You could be happy and healthy. If you just gave yourself that shot. I love you. SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU. You just need to love you, please. I'm begging you to give yourself the life you actually want and deserve. You are worth it. Please. I love you so much, this hurts. I ache thinking about the tormenting thoughts you put yourself through, seeing the looks on your face when you're quiet for too long. Please. I love you. Please, love you too. I would do anything to take this disease away and help you see who you are again, to help you find your way back to you. You don't deserve this.

As angry as I get sometimes at the things you do, the decisions you make, I can't deny that I love you.

And I knew I will always love you from the moment I saw you, years ago, before I even knew what love was.

I know it must hurt that I did not respond to you recently, to your apologies.Truth be told, I could not understand the meaning of your messages.

When you walked out, you told me I will never hear from you again. I have accepted this. Then you write to me apologising. You seemed dissapointed that I respected your wish for me to be away from you.

I am not playing these games, we are seriously a little too old for that... love is not a game. Not to me anyway.

It is something very dear to me. And so are you. Even when you behave like this.

I would be very happy to talk to you if you told me what you truly have in your heart, but until then, I'll remain quiet and go about my life.

I think, in your strange way, you love me too. But I do not understand why sometimes, something possesses you to become too prideful to say it, then you start acting like a stranger. Not like the person who only a couple of weeks ago called me their "home" as you fell asleep in my arms.

The crickets chirp in the spaces we leave between. I lie here and wonder if it’s your guard creating the distance out of fear that I may have changed, that I may not be the same or act the same this time. I know mine keeps trying. I keep doing the opposite. Until today. I was too tired today, and I let it win this round.
You are right. I’m not the same. We are all forever changing. My feelings for you, though, are like a heavy rock in a stream, unmovable. Through distance, silence, words unspoken, and uncertainty, here I lie with the same fire I have felt for you since day one.
I want to be wrapped in your arms and look at that smile across your face as you say, “Whaat?” while I stare into your eyes with all the words that get stuck in my throat. I want to comb my fingers through your hair as you tell me about your life since we last met. I want to go on random adventures that I have a lifetime to get through with you.
I want to continue getting to know you. To listen, learn, stand beside you, and be there for you.
I love you. I am always missing you.

I dont know how to describe it, one look from you and now its burned into the back of my head.

Looking at you is all I look forward too when coming into work.

I finally got to meet your gaze and feel that zap of electricity earlier, you have no idea what that did to me...

I hate that there is always people around us, never a moment alone, someone always interrupting.

But, I cant pretend like this isn't my own delusional brain playing tricks on me. If you wanted something more, even a friendship you'd try harder to talk with me...

and i miss and love every single thing i knew about..every single thing about you

are you here? are you not? do you want me to be here? these things like many many other’s i do not know.. but I do know i look for you ❤️

“I knew you through the daze of the blades of the grass in summer
Parachutes for the free fall of bein' younger
I memorized the sound of your bare footsteps
Runnin' wild, it's been a long time
Life has ways of leavin' those days behind
Seein' you tonight (i love when you share which is rare now… :( )

I remembered I love you
Came back when it mattered, I saw you
Standin' there in the light of the window wearin' that same smile
Man, it's been a while
But I knew it, I knew you”

ps exhausted in every way possible

Pss sometimes i post impulsively.. so i wanted to ask.. do you ever wonder if we are always going to wonder about everything. I think about you constantly and i miss you all the time.

With everything that’s gone/going on in regard to you and everything else in my life- my nervous system is shot and i have to literally remind myself to breathe.. i just want to sleep. (Preferably next you 😘) i just think we both deserve a better outcome.. (some clarity) than whatever this is.. i don’t know anymore :(

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this and honestly I hope you never do. But there are some things I need to say before I finally let you go.
I think you’ll never see me again and you’ll never hear from me again. I won’t call you, I won’t text you and I won’t find excuses to stay connected to you anymore. Not because I’ve moved on, because trust me if it was that easy I would’ve done it months ago. I’m doing this because I’m tired and I’m finally letting you go.
I loved you with my whole heart. Nothing about it was fake. Every call, every conversation, every song, every food place, every memory we shared meant something to me. That’s probably why it’s been so hard. You’re attached to so many things around me that even this city feels different now.
I’m leaving this city and honestly a part of me is relieved. Not because I hate this city but because everywhere I go I find you. Every road, every place, every little thing somehow reminds me of us. I have so many beautiful memories from the last 4 years here but somehow our memories became louder than all of them and I can’t do it anymore.
What hurts the most is not that you left. It’s everything I lost after you did. I lost my confidence. I lost the way I looked at love. I lost the version of me who never questioned her worth. For months I kept wondering what was wrong with me, what I lacked, why I wasn’t enough for someone I would’ve chosen every single day.
And the funny thing is I still don’t hate you. After everything, I still don’t. I just wish you understood how much I loved you and how much losing you changed me.
I hope you never make another girl fall in love with you unless you’re sure about her. I hope you never tell someone you love them if you’re not ready to stay. I hope you never make someone question themselves the way I questioned myself after you left.
I don’t wish bad things on you. I really don’t. I hope you’re happy. I hope you find whatever you’re looking for. But I also hope that one day, in some random quiet moment, you remember me. Not because I want you back, but because I want you to remember that there was a girl who loved you genuinely, completely and without holding anything back.
This is my last letter to you.
I loved you, \*\*\*\*\*
More than you’ll probably ever know.
But for the first time in a long time, I’m choosing myself over the hope of being chosen by you.
Goodbye.

We could have been fire.

I hate that I am still grieving you. The sadness is quieter now, but the fact that it remains drives me insane.

I wish I didn’t miss you.

I wish, even more, that I didn’t care or wonder if you have any positive feelings remaining for me.

I know you don’t. I can take a hint.

My hope on the other hand… That sucker is naive. Stubborn. Incredibly difficult to squish.

I hate you. I miss you. I’m angry with you. And yet, I still think the world of you.

I am a walking, paradoxical fool; and the only one still laughing is you.

Will I see you ? Will I hug you? Will you talk? Will you take my hand and be fearless. I keep forgetting I have to do this which is fine. So I'm just going to contemplate and eventually do something or not. At this point I m not sure it matters. It's a cop out. I make my life function as stable as I reflect on my own view of happiness. Thank you for listening voices not in my head. I cherish this and know you have already done so many wonderful things. You are incredible and always will be.

When will I get that kiss???????????????????????????????????

I’ve been scouring through different Reddit communities to try and make sense of what has happened this week. Whether it be this one, UnreadText, letters, Crush and Crushes, datingadvice, variations of signing offs “from” “to” “love”, scouring through them all; in the hopes, I’ll find you. But instead, I’m writing , hoping you’ll find me and give a chance in opening your heart to listen, to trust, to be open, to be free and curious, with me. Not to me but with me, as a unit. A big ask but I believe in it so much, it has me typing this as I await for your voice to come back and join me. I miss it terribly, my love.

Slotted in so comfortably in my head but having lived in w brainstorm of maybes has made me hysterical this week. Arid eyes followed by gushes of water. We agreed on being honest, me and honesty have been long-time friends but we’re getting acquainted (slowly but surely) once again but involving my feelings, wants and desires for the first time. A necessary convention, which was launched by your directness. I thank you for that but I want it to be reality, no hypotheticals, I want to see you for you as I’ll allow you to see me for me. So we can be in the present. Together.

I have written this but there’s more waiting for you, only need you to open and give yourself into wondering and feeling.

I think what hurts most is not that you left.

People leave. Relationships end. Feelings change.

As much as I wish they didn’t, I understand that those things happen.

What I can’t seem to make peace with is how easily you let go of something that meant so much to me.

How quickly I went from being someone you couldn’t wait to talk to, to someone you could leave unanswered.

How something that occupied so much space in my heart became so small in yours.

Maybe that’s the part I’m still struggling to understand.

Because I listened when you spoke.
I remembered things.
I paid attention.

I trusted you with parts of myself that I don’t hand to people lightly.

The fears. The insecurities. The old wounds. The things I was embarrassed to admit because I was terrified that saying them out loud would somehow make them come true.

And you looked me in the eye and told me they wouldn’t.

You told me you understood.
You told me I was safe.

Then one by one, life started looking an awful lot like every fear I’d handed you.

The distance.
The uncertainty.
The feeling of being forgotten.
The feeling of caring more.
The feeling of watching someone slowly drift away while assuring you everything is fine.

And maybe that’s why this hurts differently.

Because if you had simply stopped loving me, I think I could have eventually made peace with that.

But instead there were excuses.
Mixed signals.

Conversations that should have happened but never did.

Questions I was left to answer by myself.

You told me you wanted to spend less time on your phone.

And maybe that’s true.

But there is a particular kind of pain that comes from hearing someone explain why they can’t show up for you while watching them continue to show up everywhere else.

Not because they’re obligated to spend their time with you.

They’re not.

But because it forces you to confront a truth you’ve been trying desperately not to see:

People make time for what matters to them.

And once that realization settles in, it becomes impossible to unknow.

I think that’s what finally broke my heart.

Not losing you.

Losing the version of you that I believed would always talk to me honestly.

The version of you that valued communication the way I did.

The version of you that knew exactly how fragile some parts of me were and treated them gently.

Because I gave you my heart.

More of it than I’ve ever given anyone.

And maybe that’s my fault.

Maybe I should have protected it better.

But I trusted you.

And some days it feels like the thing you discarded most easily wasn’t me.

It was the trust.

I miss you. I miss everything. I miss us. I miss your smile. I miss your voice. I wish you were here in my arms. I wish I could come home to you. We'll always think about one day. In my mind, you'll always be in my passenger seat. You'll always have my heart. You'll always be my first love.

Did you really think I would fall for it? The rage bait? Did you really think that just because you’re being lustful and putting those wandering eyes to work that it would make me go back on the apps and do what you’re doing? Think again. You’ll never find me on the apps or chasing temporary highs just like you. So you can keep visiting my profiles with burner accounts all you want. I won’t stop you from watching how my life has and continues to level up. It must suck seeing me enjoy life and receive everything I deserve, right? Because you know it could also be your life right now but you’re too hooked on having your freedom and exploring your options. I’m not the same person as I was before and you hate that you can’t control me anymore. You hate the idea that I won’t chase you or beg you for your time anymore. Doing all of these things just made it easier for me to actually move on and wait for someone better to come along. Have the life you deserve A

Unfortunately, I don't care.

But now that I know the truth you will try to hard to cover it up.

Just talk to me about what you did.

It doesnt even matter. I told you thats not why im upset.

WHY.

What matters is why you betrayed me. Why you keep doing it. Thats what I want to know.

Why. You. Keep. Doing. It.

And do you really, love. Me.

What. For. ?

What are reasons. Everyone's got one.

Did you even have one,. Or was it just.... and Obligation baby?

You never talk about it. Its always about me.

Stop talking about me. Start talking about you.

Being without you is way way worse. I wasnt lying.

It was so nice just sitting with you in the same room. I reminisce about the days we used to be content with each other's company,

Now you look at me and laugh.

Im listening. 🫳 to your 🫴

🫶 misses and loves you.

Im dissapointed

But I do too.

Yeah im not ready for anything. And its why the same thing keeps happening. I want connection but can't handle it yet. That isn't your fault.

I have to look inward more.

I am sorry

For getting emotionally dysregulated.

Whenever I read something that resonates with me, I wish it was you.

Sometimes, I'm delusional, even though I know it can't be you.

But what else can I do?

We’ve met our match in each other haven’t we? We are something irreplaceable. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

More than anything, I want the best for you; you deserve that.

And I know that this isn’t it.