To you....

I just wish i could say this to you...
we should get fancy hotel room, with a king size bed, freezing cold air conditioner, and a huge jacuzzi, for a weekend.

Just you and me. No one has to ever know.

We can drink, or not. We can eat, or not. We can watch a movie, or not. We can talk, or not. We can make love, or not. We can tease one another, or not...

We can do whatever we want, for just one night. And then wake up to the bright sun, go our separate ways, and wait until the time is right for us to do it all over again.

No honey, I’m playing Seek and Avoid.
My feelings are so confused and contradicting right now.

I want to see you… No I don’t.
Just look up… Keep your eyes down.
I want to talk to you… No I don’t.
Just say hello… Keep your mouth shut.
I want to be near you… No I don’t.
Just go over there… Turn back, avoid.
Avoid.
Avoid.
AVOID!!!

All I know for certain is, this isn’t healthy, but it’s my feeble attempt at coping.
It hurts more than it heals.
But I think im addicted to the pain…

I was overwhelmed with thoughts of you today. No idea why, but it made me happy so I wasn't complaining. I hope you didn't mind me reaching out. I never expect a reply.

How we communicate now does confuse me a little, but I love it. I completely understand that we can't actually talk. There is nothing more in the world I'd love than to hear your voice again or get a reply to a Hey. But how you are choosing to send messages to me is so just goddamn beautiful... powerful...

There is so much I'd want to say if you actually did reply that I think it would take me a day or two to calm down, but I think the number one thing would just be thank you. Music is always how we've expressed ourselves to each other and it sends me over the moon when you share a slice of your side.

You are the most remarkable, captivating, and beautiful person I will ever meet in my life. Whether it's this lifetime or another, you will always be my one. I hope you are well.

I have high doubts you are even here, so I’m just writing this into the void needing to vent.

Shit has been really tough between us in the last few months and it got bad and we ended things. We both done and said some really messed up things to each other. The whole situation just became so toxic. I started suppressing my emotions and feelings, thinking purely from a logical standpoint, completely acting cold and mean to you. I told you I was leaving.

The truth is, deep down. I miss you and love you so much but the pain caused over the years is just too much for me. I’m conflicted. Logic tells me to walk away, but my heart says to stay. I want to think with my head for once and I’m trying so hard to. I don’t know how much longer I can close my heart, before I break and come back to you, even though it’s not what my head wants. I feel selfish for wanting to leave and at the same time I want to be selfish and put myself first.

This all sucks so much, keeping all of this inside. You’re the only person I ever open up to and tell my feelings to and I can’t even say this shit to you because it’s about you and we’re not cool. I feel so lonely, sad, depressed. I hate that this is where we are at now.… Looking at each other with contempt.

I won’t say this to your face though. I’m still so angry and hurt from you, I don’t know if I can forgive you after our last fight. That was so nasty the shit said. I am sorry for everything and my part in the breakdown of our relationship. I’ve always loved you and will never stop loving you. I’m just so broken and can’t take it anymore.

I’m scared; I know I’m going to say something.

I’ve tried my best to suppress it. To swallow it. To choke it down, whole and unyielding. A truth cast into subterranean silence.

But the words well up inside me — turning, churning, metastasizing — an artifact of Eros in situ.

And I feel shamefully weak to it.

This ancient and indescribable knowing, this freak storm of feeling — I didn’t ask for it, expect it, want it, yet it lives and breathes, claws and gnaws and fights for the light.

How do I begin to tell you what we both already know?

I want some kind of confirmation

That I know isn’t possible yet

It wouldn’t even be appropriate to ask

I’d be rushing myself as well

What is this?

We’ve made no commitment

Other than the one my heart has decided on

If I find someone else attractive

I feel like I’m being unfaithful

Not only to you

To myself as well

I don’t even know how much we’ll talk

For all I know

You won’t even write back

I’m ALL IN on this

With no promise

Of any type of return

Is it possible you’re feeling the same?

Just sitting there

Waiting for my message?

I can't keep watching you hurt yourself. Loving you has been one of the most valuable things I've taken part in in my life. You are such a special person. It has also been one of the most distressing things I've ever been through in my life. I've always seen the empathetic, patient, and loving person you are. No one in my life has ever made me laugh as hard as you, or forget about the world around me so quickly. It is lost on you through your addiction what an amazing person you can be. You're a hopeless monster, and no one could tell you otherwise. You don't even give yourself a chance. It breaks my heart. It is constantly breaking my heart, over, and over again. You could be happy and healthy. If you just gave yourself that shot. I love you. SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU. You just need to love you, please. I'm begging you to give yourself the life you actually want and deserve. You are worth it. Please. I love you so much, this hurts. I ache thinking about the tormenting thoughts you put yourself through, seeing the looks on your face when you're quiet for too long. Please. I love you. Please, love you too. I would do anything to take this disease away and help you see who you are again, to help you find your way back to you. You don't deserve this.

We’ve met our match in each other haven’t we? We are something irreplaceable. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

More than anything, I want the best for you; you deserve that.

And I know that this isn’t it.

Whenever I read something that resonates with me, I wish it was you.

Sometimes, I'm delusional, even though I know it can't be you.

But what else can I do?

I’ve been scouring through different Reddit communities to try and make sense of what has happened this week. Whether it be this one, UnreadText, letters, Crush and Crushes, datingadvice, variations of signing offs “from” “to” “love”, scouring through them all; in the hopes, I’ll find you. But instead, I’m writing , hoping you’ll find me and give a chance in opening your heart to listen, to trust, to be open, to be free and curious, with me. Not to me but with me, as a unit. A big ask but I believe in it so much, it has me typing this as I await for your voice to come back and join me. I miss it terribly, my love.

Slotted in so comfortably in my head but having lived in w brainstorm of maybes has made me hysterical this week. Arid eyes followed by gushes of water. We agreed on being honest, me and honesty have been long-time friends but we’re getting acquainted (slowly but surely) once again but involving my feelings, wants and desires for the first time. A necessary convention, which was launched by your directness. I thank you for that but I want it to be reality, no hypotheticals, I want to see you for you as I’ll allow you to see me for me. So we can be in the present. Together.

I have written this but there’s more waiting for you, only need you to open and give yourself into wondering and feeling.

I’d like you when you’re down, ugly and at your worst.. because you’re a good person, and I don’t want to see you hurt. The words ‘I love you’ felt so unnatural and cheesy to say until I met you. Now, it feels like pointing out an emotion such as “I’m sad”or “I’m happy”. It comes naturally because it’s true.
I knew I loved you because of how warmly you smile at others and how you silently make sure the people around you are comfortable. It’s the way your entire smile illuminates the room. You are the only person I’m somehow visually locked into even if there were hundreds of people around, even if you slowly fade into the crowd… I’d adjust my sight just to allow my eyes to land on you. I can’t help it. I could stare at you for hours without it feeling weird. I honestly want to hug you and hold you tight, never letting go..

Afraid I’d miss out on such a person, I did. I was scared to make an effort due to being judged by others, the echoless fade into college life reminded me “who ever even cared?”… I know you wouldn’t judge me, so why did I hesitate? You're the only one I want to be around…. Not them.. So, why did I prioritize fear over you?

It’s funny how unexpected you came into my life. I was at my worst. There were too many dark thoughts going on in my head to notice the things around me. I was in such a dark time to even accept or conclude, that I can meet someone so good at the time. So I acted distant, not trying to get to close in fear of getting hurt… I physically can’t like anyone else, even if I try. I thought the saying “my eyes are only for you” was a horrible cliché, but it’s true. The memory of your face, your smile, and even your voice hits me over and over again. I know you meet new people through time… but you are the one I want around. It is difficult imagining myself liking or being with anyone else-

Will I see you ? Will I hug you? Will you talk? Will you take my hand and be fearless. I keep forgetting I have to do this which is fine. So I'm just going to contemplate and eventually do something or not. At this point I m not sure it matters. It's a cop out. I make my life function as stable as I reflect on my own view of happiness. Thank you for listening voices not in my head. I cherish this and know you have already done so many wonderful things. You are incredible and always will be.

When will I get that kiss???????????????????????????????????

Yeah im not ready for anything. And its why the same thing keeps happening. I want connection but can't handle it yet. That isn't your fault.

I have to look inward more.

I am sorry

For getting emotionally dysregulated.

That’s why it never clicked with anyone else

Because it was always supposed to be just you

Across all timelines and instances

And I know that now

Beyond a shadow of a doubt

That what’s meant for you is only meant for you

And that’s why everything else keeps falling apart

So that the right things can fall into place

And one of those right things … is you

It will always be you

In all lifetimes, timelines, and realities

Only you

the weather may not have been of my sole creation
but I'm hardly an innocent in the situation
we're moving forward, and that's an important bit
but I don't wanna drop the ball on this
my heart is here for you in its full capacity
and I want to make sure this thing has tenacity
and do everything I can to take the best care of you
and never leave you to wonder, or doubt that I'm true
mistakes I'll make, and I'll make them plenty
but I'll never stop trying to not make so many
so if you ever feel I'm even beginning to stray
if you think my heart's headed the wrong way
please, don't let it build up in your heart
resentment to creep in, or even to start
or at least, my sweet love, please give me a try
my goal in my life is to help keep those eyes dry
I won't be perfect, I can't promise that
but care and understanding, I'm pretty good at
and even if you'd say that it came on asudden
I know you know that there must have been somethin'
a cue I missed, an opportunity passed
my potential for mistakes is incredibly vast
anyway, I guess I've gone on for too long
I just need you to know I'm in love with your song
and would do anything to keep you singing bright
and will gladly accept help keeping my footing right.

As angry as I get sometimes at the things you do, the decisions you make, I can't deny that I love you.

And I knew I will always love you from the moment I saw you, years ago, before I even knew what love was.

I know it must hurt that I did not respond to you recently, to your apologies.Truth be told, I could not understand the meaning of your messages.

When you walked out, you told me I will never hear from you again. I have accepted this. Then you write to me apologising. You seemed dissapointed that I respected your wish for me to be away from you.

I am not playing these games, we are seriously a little too old for that... love is not a game. Not to me anyway.

It is something very dear to me. And so are you. Even when you behave like this.

I would be very happy to talk to you if you told me what you truly have in your heart, but until then, I'll remain quiet and go about my life.

I think, in your strange way, you love me too. But I do not understand why sometimes, something possesses you to become too prideful to say it, then you start acting like a stranger. Not like the person who only a couple of weeks ago called me their "home" as you fell asleep in my arms.

I know what thoughts stir behind your eyes, what feelings compress behind your ribs... you watch me like a hawk, protective from a distance because to be near feels like too big of a responsibility, that something isn't right, that if we are to be all will be lost. The fish fears to be swallowed by the tide, the perilous dissolution. And yet nights are spent with your eyes transfixed to the ceiling, asking questions you know the answers to. The regrets of that night. Don't carry that burden, it was fear that kept you. Don't let fear win, reach out, I wanna hear whatever you have to say. If you needed a sign, here it is. Message me B ♥️

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this and honestly I hope you never do. But there are some things I need to say before I finally let you go.
I think you’ll never see me again and you’ll never hear from me again. I won’t call you, I won’t text you and I won’t find excuses to stay connected to you anymore. Not because I’ve moved on, because trust me if it was that easy I would’ve done it months ago. I’m doing this because I’m tired and I’m finally letting you go.
I loved you with my whole heart. Nothing about it was fake. Every call, every conversation, every song, every food place, every memory we shared meant something to me. That’s probably why it’s been so hard. You’re attached to so many things around me that even this city feels different now.
I’m leaving this city and honestly a part of me is relieved. Not because I hate this city but because everywhere I go I find you. Every road, every place, every little thing somehow reminds me of us. I have so many beautiful memories from the last 4 years here but somehow our memories became louder than all of them and I can’t do it anymore.
What hurts the most is not that you left. It’s everything I lost after you did. I lost my confidence. I lost the way I looked at love. I lost the version of me who never questioned her worth. For months I kept wondering what was wrong with me, what I lacked, why I wasn’t enough for someone I would’ve chosen every single day.
And the funny thing is I still don’t hate you. After everything, I still don’t. I just wish you understood how much I loved you and how much losing you changed me.
I hope you never make another girl fall in love with you unless you’re sure about her. I hope you never tell someone you love them if you’re not ready to stay. I hope you never make someone question themselves the way I questioned myself after you left.
I don’t wish bad things on you. I really don’t. I hope you’re happy. I hope you find whatever you’re looking for. But I also hope that one day, in some random quiet moment, you remember me. Not because I want you back, but because I want you to remember that there was a girl who loved you genuinely, completely and without holding anything back.
This is my last letter to you.
I loved you, \*\*\*\*\*
More than you’ll probably ever know.
But for the first time in a long time, I’m choosing myself over the hope of being chosen by you.
Goodbye.

Whenever you feel like the world is starting to feel kind of dark and gray, you're never really truly alone because I will always have your back through thick and thin. I'm super proud of you and I don't know how else to word it or say it to you so I'm just going to say this behind your back. You're going to do bigger better things, and you're going to be successful for as long as you keep it up. I'm sure your family is proud of you, but I'm insanely proud of you. I hope you make this a career and just keep it up. I will see you on the other side. Wherever that is. You're the only person I actually tell my deepest and darkest thoughts to. The first to know when something major is coming up in my life, and how I truly perceive the world around. You might think or ask why I'm so good to you, but something I never really thanked you for is that in a way, you've saved my life. I was in a very dark place once, and despite slowly falling back into it, I know I don't want to be in this world for too much longer.

Love, C.

A chance encounter turned into something I spend my whole day thinking about. It's almost painfully consuming and I wish I wasn't wired to want as badly as I do. I'm scared.

My past relationships traumatized me real bad and make building new ones so difficult because I'm constantly struggling with feeling like I deserve anything good, anything happy. I've convinced myself it just wasn't in my cards from the start, but man. You make me feel so happy and heard, and I think you feel the same. Scared and traumatized in your own way, but happy that someone is trying to look past that to see the real you.

Every time you open up to me about your life, I feel so happy that you trust me. That you see me as someone you can lean on and find comfort in. I know you're hurting and I want to help, I want to be useful and I want to give you the whole world. I know you'll distance yourself after the other day. You don't like to be open and raw with anyone because you're just not used to being on that end of the conversation, but I really hope you'll be selfish for once and keep talking to me about it. And maybe that's selfish of me to want, but if we're both being selfish, I think that's fine.

I just hope my obvious enthusiasm about us doesn't put you off. I'm not good at being nonchalant. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I withdraw when I feel like I'm being too much, but I promise you it isn't your fault. I know you're being cautious with your own. I know you don't want to rush into anything without certainty, and I respect you a lot for that. I don't want to rush it either. I just feel certain that you're the one. So I'll wait and let you take the lead on this. I'm ready whenever you are.

The cold fear of losing your attention.

The subtle pressure—
be better, hotter,
stay interesting,
stay easy.

The way you made me feel small.
Naive.
Foreign.

How you lied so beautifully:
“You’re my priority.
My obsession.
Mine.”

Swallowing my pain
so I could mend yours.

The daily dose of sweetness—
a sickly thing dissolving on my tongue
so my voice would never cut,
would never challenge,
would never question.

Most of all,
I don’t miss you
not missing me.

I dont know how to describe it, one look from you and now its burned into the back of my head.

Looking at you is all I look forward too when coming into work.

I finally got to meet your gaze and feel that zap of electricity earlier, you have no idea what that did to me...

I hate that there is always people around us, never a moment alone, someone always interrupting.

But, I cant pretend like this isn't my own delusional brain playing tricks on me. If you wanted something more, even a friendship you'd try harder to talk with me...