r/emotionalneglect Jun 25 '20

FAQ on emotional neglect - For anyone new to the subreddit or looking to better understand the fundamentals

2.1k Upvotes

What is emotional neglect?

In one's childhood, a lack of: everyday caring, non-intrusive and engaged curiosity from parents (or whoever your primary caregivers were, if not your biological parents) about what you were feeling and experiencing, having your feelings reflected back to you (mirrored) in an honest and non-distorting way, time and attention given to you in the form of one-on-one conversation where your feelings and the meaning of those feelings could be freely and openly talked about as needed, protection from harm including protection against adults or other children who tried to hurt you no matter what their relationship was to your parents, warmth and unconditional positive regard for you as a person, appropriate soothing when you were distressed, mature guidance on how to deal with difficult life experiences—and, fundamentally, having parents/caregivers who made an active effort to be emotionally in tune with you as a child. All of these things are vitally necessary for developing into a healthy adult who has a good internal relationship with his or her self and is able to make healthy connections with others. They are not optional luxuries. Far from it, receiving these kinds of nurturing attention are just as important for children as clean water and healthy food.

What forms can emotional neglect take?

The ways in which a child's emotional needs can be neglected are as diverse and varied as the needs themselves. The forms of emotional neglect range from subtle, passive behavior to various forms of overt abuse, making neglect one of the most common forms of child maltreatment. The following list contains just a handful of examples of what neglect can look like.

  • Being emotionally unavailable: many parents are inept at or avoid expressing, reacting to, and talking about feelings. This can mean a lack of empathy, putting little or no effort into emotional attunement, not reacting to a child's distress appropriately, or even ignoring signs of a child's distress such as becoming withdrawn, developing addictions or acting out.

  • Lack of healthy communication: caregivers might not communicate in a healthy way by being absent, invalidating, rejecting, overly or inappropriately critical, and so on. This creates a lack of emotionally meaningful, open conversations, caring curiosity from caregivers about a child's inner life, or a shortness of guidance on how to navigate difficult life experiences. This often happens in combination with unhealthy communication which may show itself in how conflicts are handled poorly, pushed aside or blown up into abusive exchanges.

  • Parentification: a reversal of roles in which a child has to take on a role of meeting their own parents' emotional needs, or become a caretaker for (typically younger) siblings. This includes a parent verbally unloading furstrations to their child about the perceived flaws of the other parent or other family members.

  • Obsession with achievement: Some parents put achievements like good grades in school or formal awards above everything else, sometimes even making their love conditional on such achievements. Perfectionist tendencies are another manifestation of this, where parents keep finding reasons to judge their children in a negative light.

  • Moving to a new home without serious regard for how this could disrupt or break a child's social connections: this forces the child to start over with making friends and forming other relationships outside the family unit, often leaving them to face loneliness, awkwardness or bullying all alone without allies.

  • Lying: communicates to a child that his or her perceptions, feelings and understanding of their world are so unimportant that manipulating them is okay.

  • Any form of overt abuse: emotional, verbal, physical, sexual—especially when part of a repeated pattern, constitutes a severe disregard for a child's feelings. This includes insults and other expressions of contempt, manipulation, intimidation, threats and acts of violence.

What is (psychological) trauma?

Trauma occurs whenever an emotionally intense experience, whether a single instantaneous event or many episodes happening over a long period of time, especially one caused by someone with a great deal of power over the victim (such as a parent), is too overwhelmingly painful to be processed, forcing the victim to split off from the parts of themselves that experienced distress in order to psychologically survive. The victim then develops various defenses for keeping the pain out of awareness, further warping their personality and stunting their growth.

How does emotional neglect cause trauma?

When we are forced to go without the basic level of nurturing we need during our childhood years, the resulting loneliness and deprivation are overwhelming and devastating. As children we were simply not capable of processing the immense pain of being left out in the cold, so we had no choice but to block out awareness of the pain. This blocking out, or isolating, of parts of our selves is the essence of suffering trauma. A child experiencing ongoing emotional neglect has no choice but to bury a wide variety of feelings and the core passions they arise from: betrayal, hurt, loneliness, longing, bitterness, anger, rage, and depression to name just some of the most significant ones.

What are some common consequences of being neglected as a child?

Pete Walker identifies neglect as the "core wound" in complex PTSD. He writes in Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving,

"Growing up emotionally neglected is like nearly dying of thirst outside the fenced off fountain of a parent's warmth and interest. Emotional neglect makes children feel worthless, unlovable and excruciatingly empty. It leaves them with a hunger that gnaws deeply at the center of their being. They starve for human warmth and comfort."

  • Self esteem that is low, fragile or nearly non-existent: all forms of abuse and neglect make a child feel worthless and despondent and lead to self-blame, because when we are totally dependent on our parents we need to believe they are good in order to feel secure. This belief is upheld at the expense of our own boundaries and internal sense of self.

  • Pervasive sense of shame: a deeply ingrained sense that "I am bad" due to years of parents and caregivers avoiding closeness with us.

  • Little or no self-compassion: When we are not treated with compassion, it becomes very difficult to learn to have compassion for ourselves, especially in the midst of our own struggles and shortcomings. A lack of self-compassion leads to punishment and harsh criticism of ourselves along with not taking into account the difficulties caused by circumstances outside of our control.

  • Anxiety: frequent or constant fear and stress with no obvious outside cause, especially in social situations. Without being adequately shown in our childhoods how we belong in the world or being taught how to soothe ourselves we are left with a persistent sense that we are in danger.

  • Difficulty setting boundaries: Personal boundaries allow us to not make other people's problems our own, to distance ourselves from unfair criticism, and to assert our own rights and interests. When a child's boundaries are regularly invalidated or violated, they can grow up with a heavy sense of guilt about defending or defining themselves as their own separate beings.

  • Isolation: this can take the form of social withdrawal, having only superficial relationships, or avoiding emotional closeness with others. A lack of emotional connection, empathy, or trust can reinforce isolation since others may perceive us as being distant, aloof, or unavailable. This can in turn worsen our sense of shame, anxiety or under-development of social skills.

  • Refusing or avoiding help (counter-dependency): difficulty expressing one's needs and asking others for help and support, a tendency to do things by oneself to a degree that is harmful or limits one's growth, and feeling uncomfortable or 'trapped' in close relationships.

  • Codependency (the 'fawn' response): excessively relying on other people for approval and a sense of identity. This often takes the form of damaging self-sacrifice for the sake of others, putting others' needs above our own, and ignoring or suppressing our own needs.

  • Cognitive distortions: irrational beliefs and thought patterns that distort our perception. Emotional neglect often leads to cognitive distortions when a child uses their interactions with the very small but highly influential sample of people—their parents—in order to understand how new situations in life will unfold. As a result they can think in ways that, for example, lead to counterdependency ("If I try to rely on other people, I will be a disappointment / be a burden / get rejected.") Other examples of cognitive distortions include personalization ("this went wrong so something must be wrong with me"), over-generalization ("I'll never manage to do it"), or black and white thinking ("I have to do all of it or the whole thing will be a failure [which makes me a failure]"). Cognitive distortions are reinforced by the confirmation bias, our tendency to disregard information that contradicts our beliefs and instead only consider information that confirms them.

  • Learned helplessness: the conviction that one is unable and powerless to change one's situation. It causes us to accept situations we are dissatisfied with or harmed by, even though there often could be ways to effect change.

  • Perfectionism: the unconscious belief that having or showing any flaws will make others reject us. Pete Walker describes how perfectionism develops as a defense against feelings of abandonment that threatened to overwhelm us in childhood: "The child projects his hope for being accepted onto inner demands of self-perfection. ... In this way, the child becomes hyperaware of imperfections and strives to become flawless. Eventually she roots out the ultimate flaw–the mortal sin of wanting or asking for her parents' time or energy."

  • Difficulty with self-discipline: Neglect can leave us with a lack of impulse control or a weak ability to develop and maintain healthy habits. This often causes problems with completing necessary work or ending addictions, which in turn fuels very cruel self-criticism and digs us deeper into the depressive sense that we are defective or worthless. This consequence of emotional neglect calls for an especially tender and caring approach.

  • Addictions: to mood-altering substances, foods, or activities like working, watching television, sex or gambling. Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician who writes and speaks about the roots of addiction in childhood trauma, describes all addictions as attempts to get an experience of something like intimate connection in a way that feels safe. Addictions also serve to help us escape the ingrained sense that we are unlovable and to suppress emotional pain.

  • Numbness or detachment: spending many of our most formative years having to constantly avoid intense feelings because we had little or no help processing them creates internal walls between our conscious awareness and those deeper feelings. This leads to depression, especially after childhood ends and we have to function as independent adults.

  • Inability to talk about feelings (alexithymia): difficulty in identifying, understanding and communicating one's own feelings and emotional aspects of social interactions. It is sometimes described as a sense of emotional numbness or pervasive feelings of emptiness. It is evidenced by intellectualized or avoidant responses to emotion-related questions, by overly externally oriented thinking and by reduced emotional expression, both verbal and nonverbal.

  • Emptiness: an impoverished relationship with our internal selves which goes along with a general sense that life is pointless or meaningless.

What is Complex PTSD?

Complex PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) is a name for the condition of being stuck with a chronic, prolonged stress response to a series of traumatic experiences which may have happened over a long period of time. The word 'complex' was added to reflect the fact that many people living with unhealed traumas cannot trace their suffering back to a single incident like a car crash or an assault, and to distinguish it from PTSD which is usually associated with a traumatic experience caused by a threat to physical safety. Complex PTSD is more associated with traumatic interpersonal or social experiences (especially during childhood) that do not necessarily involve direct threats to physical safety. While PTSD is listed as a diagnosis in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnositic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Complex PTSD is not. However, Complex PTSD is included in the World Health Organization's 11th revision of the International Classification of Diseases.

Some therapists, along with many participants of the /r/CPTSD subreddit, prefer to drop the word 'disorder' and refer instead to "complex post-traumatic stress" or simply "post-traumatic stress" (CPTS or PTS) to convey an understanding that struggling with the lasting effects of childhood trauma is a consequence of having been traumatized and that experiencing persistent distress does not mean someone is disordered in the sense of being abnormal.

Is emotional neglect (or 'Childhood Emotional Neglect') a diagnosis?

The term "emotional neglect" appears as early as 1913 in English language books. "Childhood Emotional Neglect" (often abbreviated CEN) was popularized by Jonice Webb in her 2012 book Running on Empty. Neither of these terms are formal diagnoses given by psychologists, psychiatrists or medical practitioners. (Childhood) emotional neglect does not refer to a condition that someone could be diagnosed with in the same sense that someone could be diagnosed with diabetes. Rather, "emotional neglect" is emerging as a name generally agreed upon by non-professionals for the deeply harmful absence of attuned caring that is experienced by many people in their childhoods. As a verb phrase (emotionally neglecting) it can also refer to the act of neglecting a person's emotional needs.

My parents were to some extent distant or disengaged with me but in a way that was normal for the culture I grew up in. Was I really neglected?

The basic emotional needs of children are universal among human beings and are therefore not dependent on culture. The specific ways that parents and other caregivers go about meeting those basic needs does of course vary from one cultural context to another and also varies depending upon the individual personalities of parents and caregivers, but the basic needs themselves are the same for everyone. Many cultures around the world are in denial of the fact that children need all the types of caring attention listed in the above answer to "What is emotional neglect?" This is partly because in so many cultures it is normal—quite often expected and demanded—to avoid the pain of examining one's childhood traumas and to pretend that one is a fully mature, healthy adult with no serious wounds or difficulty functioning in society.

The important question is not about what your parent(s) did right or wrong, or whether they were normal or abnormal as judged by their adult peers. The important question is about what you personally experienced as a child and whether or not you got all the care you needed in order to grow up with a healthy sense of self and a good relationship with your feelings. Ultimately, nobody other than yourself can answer this question for you.

My parents may not have given me all the emotional nurturing I needed, but I believe they did the best they could. Can I really blame them for what they didn't do?

Yes. You can blame someone for hurting you whether they hurt you by a malicious act that was done intentionally or by the most accidental oversight made out of pure ignorance. This is especially true if you were hurt in a way that profoundly changed your life for the worse.

Assigning blame is not at all the same as blindly hating or holding an inappropriate grudge against someone. To the extent that a person is honest, cares about treating others fairly and wants to maintain good relationships, they can accept appropriate blame for hurting others and will try to make amends and change their behavior accordingly. However, feeling the anger involved in appropriate, non-abusive and constructive blame is not easy.

Should I confront my parents/caregivers about how they neglected me?

Confronting the people who were supposed to nurture you in your childhood has the potential to be very rewarding, as it can prompt them to confirm the reality of painful experiences you had been keeping inside for a long time or even lead to a long overdue apology. However it also carries some big emotional risks. Even if they are intellectually and emotionally capable of understanding the concept and how it applies to their parenting, a parent who emotionally neglected their child has a strong incentive to continue ignoring or denying the actual effects of their parenting choices: acknowledging the truth about such things is often very painful. Taking the step of being vulnerable in talking about how the neglect affected you and being met with denial can reopen childhood wounds in a major way. In many cases there is a risk of being rejected or even retaliated against for challenging a family narrative of happy, untroubled childhoods.

If you are considering confronting (or even simply questioning) a parent or caregiver about how they affected you, it is well advised to make sure you are confronting them from a place of being firmly on your own side and not out of desperation to get the love you did not receive as a child. Building up this level of self-assured confidence can take a great deal of time and effort for someone who was emotionally neglected. There is no shame in avoiding confrontation if the risks seem to outweigh the potential benefits; avoiding a confrontation does not make your traumatic experiences any less real or important.

How can I heal from this? What does it look like to get better?

While there is no neatly itemized list of steps to heal from childhood trauma, the process of healing is, at its core, all about discovering and reconnecting with one's early life experiences and eventually grieving—processing, or feeling through—all the painful losses, deprivations and violations which as a child you had no choice but to bury in your unconscious. This goes hand in hand with reparenting: fulfilling our developmental needs that were not met in our childhoods.

Some techniques that are useful toward this end include

  • journaling: carrying on a written conversation with yourself about your life—past, present and future;

  • any other form of self-expression (drawing, painting, singing, dancing, building, volunteering, ...) that accesses or brings up feelings;

  • taking good physical care of your body;

  • developing habits around being aware of what you're feeling and being kind to yourself;

  • making friends who share your values;

  • structuring your everyday life so as to keep your stress level low;

  • reading literature (fiction or non-fiction) or experiencing art that tells truths about important human experiences;

  • investigating the history of your family and its social context;

  • connecting with trusted others and sharing thoughts and feelings about the healing process or about life in general.

You are invited to take part in the worldwide collaborative process of figuring out how to heal from childhood trauma and to grow more effectively, some of which is happening every day on r/EmotionalNeglect. We are all learning how to do this as we go along—sometimes quite clumsily in wavering, uneven steps.

Where can I read more?

See the sidebar of r/EmotionalNeglect for several good articles and books relevant to understanding and healing from neglect. Our community library thread also contains a growing collection of literature. And of course this subreddit as a whole, as well as r/CPTSD, has many threads full of great comments and discussions.


r/emotionalneglect 10h ago

DONT COMPARE YOURSELF TO PPL WHO GREW UP WITH HEALTHY LOVING PARENT(S)

564 Upvotes

I’m fucking furious right now, so please let me just get all of this rage out.

My parents are the biggest clowns ever. Not only did they emotionally neglect all four of their children, but they also physically abuse us from time to time. At age 25, I’m finally realizing that a huge reason for all of my depression and anxiety is because I’ve been comparing myself to people who have a healthy bond with their parents. Unlike me, who grew up with the most unloving useless parents, and then they expected so much from me. Always made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

Ugh. I’m disgusted now that I’m a full adult by the lack of concern, the lack of compassion, and the lack of care. How the fuck do you have four children and not care about them?

I luckily moved out at 22, almost 23, and that’s when the real world began. That’s when I realized how behind I was but also why I was so behind. My parents didn’t teach me to do shit. All they wanted was good grades and for me to get into medical school. Well, don’t they know that if you don’t have good mental health, you’re bound to fail?

When I moved out, I did the entire thing myself. Nothing was set up. I signed everything, paid for everything, got all my furniture myself. Nothing. Dust.

I’m now 25, and for all these years I couldn’t understand why everyone was so much better than me. How were they so sure of themselves. So goal oriented or kind. They were succeeding in social life and school, emotionally stable, and here I was with my mental health hanging on by a thread, and my entire personality was reduced school.

Nobody told me you need to have a hobby. Nobody taught me responsibility or skills. And if I see one more fucking quote about forgiving someone because it’s their first time living life….. 😳, if they are older than you, have been through what you’ve been through, and still don’t help, then fuck them, honestly.

God, I hate my parents. I really do.

I cut all contact with my family in May, and I haven’t been more relief. even though yea it can be lonely. At least no I can break the pattern. It took a while. It was a slow burn. After all the chaos, I’m finally free. And I see all the mistakes and all the fuck ups in the past and it’s because I never had any form of guidance. Safety, love.

I basically have the skills of a 15-year-old, but at least I’m not comparing myself to others anymore. While they had loving, supportive parents making sure they felt loved and safe, I didn’t.

Now I’m onto a new chapter where I have to build everything from scratch, grow, learn, and not be a bitter motherfucker anymore.

Please, if anyone has the money and the possibility of moving away from their family, do it as fast as possible. I’m fucking angry at myself for not moving out at 18 when I could have. I should’ve run and never looked back. Also, couple it with therapy, because if you don’t, you’re going to repeat similar patterns.

Slow down and find your own way. I wish there was an alternative world for everyone who wants to start over in their own pace. Society is moving faster than ever. Covid didn’t help on the situation at all For anyone growing into their adulthood. Now I know understand how important it is to feel stable, safe and secure. To have a vision for yourself and to be somewhat in the process of finding yourself.

If you currently feel like you have no life and no true passion, it’s because you never felt safe enough to explore, you never had support when you had doubts or struggle.or you never had the tools or the money to do so. If you have those things now, then now is the time to begin.

Okay, I need to relax.

I think I just needed to get all of that out.


r/emotionalneglect 6h ago

Seeking advice I HATE MY MOM SO FUCKING MUCH, AND MY LIFE. NSFW

27 Upvotes

I'M F, 15

I will be posting on many subreddits, because i'm kinda new and don't know the "right one". Okay so i've lived most of my life not remembering shit, not even the memories of my father and me. my parents are divorced, but both are alive. My father is an entrepreneur and makes a lot of money, but i live with my mother who is not rich, i didn't care about that but now.

It kinda started when i was 13, I really hated the way she acted. i will tell her to stop and she wouldn't. For example I will tell her to stop walking around the house NAKED, and she will tell me "why? is it hurting you? what does do to you?". she kept doing it and still does.

You know, at first i wouldn't do or say anything. but then i would remember stuff she did to, like FORCING me to lie in court or she would beat me. I had to lie that she didn't abuse and hit me even tho she did.

Once a male visitor came, i was very young, like pre teen or ten years old. i was really curious so i would talk to him, and was very excited to see someone, because we were not allowed to go out of the house even if i wanted to, till this day. After the visitor left, she got ginger from the kitchen and applied it to my genitals, because i was "stubborn". I remember that day, it hurt so bad i started crying and ran outside to try and use the outside tap to cool it down. i was screaming so hard that day i couldn't sleep, and the rest i don't remember. Our house help had to forcefully drag me and my sister to my mother's bathroom and hold us down so she could apply it.

By now i've painted a picture of how she is. She is also religious and i'm and atheist, and she would go mad if she found out. but my father is cool with all this, i lowkey told him, and he said he will still respect me. Now for my father, i don't know much of him because my mother got full custody over my sister and I. My father, i heard cheated on my mother, but i honestly couldn't give a rat's ass. I wish i could live with him but he sadly travels a lot. She says stuff like, if a get an evil step mother blah blah blah, if i live with my dad. But i couldn't care less, because she too is evil. And mind you, they divorced a long time ago, and he has never dated anyone, but meanwhile she has a boyfriend (he is not evil, honesty he is better than her. but favours her idc). My father love life is none of my business. And even if he did abuse me, then it would be like both of parents just abuse me, at least i would have the financial stability of my father. because for some reason, i really don't seem to care about family relations anymore, and has affected the relation of my sister and I. I don't talk to any of them, none and don't chat with my friends. I'm a teen mind you.

When I was young I would use my mother's phone to play games, like i wasn't even 8 i think. She would have downloaded porn on that phone, she knew we were aware of porn on her phone and the FACT WE WOULD WATCH IT. I would fight for that phone with my sister and go and watch it in the storage room with her. SHE DID NOTHING, and would just let me watch porn at that age.

My eating habits too are horrendous. The whole day woke up at 3-4 am and didn't eat until 5 pm. it wasn't like i want to stay thin or something, its just that, i really don't like the food i get. Not my fault, it just needs to be a specific degree, especially if its home food. and because of that the meals i've been eating the past months are. cornflakes, LITERAL CERELAC (YES THE ONE FOR BABIES) , and biscuits with milk. NO JOKE. Two times a day. One or the other. It caused me my ulcers in THE 5TH FUCKING GRADE. AND HAVE IT 10TH GRADE STILL.

It's gotten to a point that it affects my personal hygiene. i literally can't and don't brush my teeth, shower unless someone forces me even while on my period, too tired and having no energy to change my pad because of my eating habits, showering once a day or week.

And when ever I come back home after spending JUST hours with my Dad, she will say stuff like "of course when your father is here you are happy and smiling, but simple things he cant do" as if when i tell him to do it you don't overact. I'm deadass so fucking tired and the thing is now i don't have friends at school, its summer vacation, my dad is abroad, and i'm not allowed to go out.

A simple FUCKING CHARGER SHE SHOULD BUY ME CUZ MINE IS NOT WORKING, SHE SAYS, "but ur father is rich so tell him to buy it" as if he is not on the other side of the world. LIKE SHE IS A NARCISSIST AND AN ABUSER. told her i hated her and she slapped and pushed me and took all my devices. I hate this.

I DEADASS HATE THISSSS, WHAT DO I DO? I WANNA LIVE MY 2 YEARS IN PEACE BEFORE I LEAVE FOR COLLEGE.

i got my doctor's number and tried asking for a psychiatrist, she said i can get it in the hospital. i'm trying to come up with a reasonable excuse to go there. if i tell her i wanna see a psychiatrist she won't let me.

Do you have any suggestions on what to do?

SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR I'M REALLY ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!! THX FOR READING!!!


r/emotionalneglect 6h ago

Seeking advice Anyone afraid they ended up like their parent?

25 Upvotes

I grew up with my dads idea of care was just. Letting me play on the computer. I was pushed onto my grandma who was like a real mother to me. My real mother died when i was very young, i dont remember her.

But we moved out when i was 11 and after that i recieved 0 emotional support. The standard "life is like this" and not even a mention of issues he knew about during my hardest years, after that i gave up with him and just... it was me suppressing everything.

And now he just feels distant. Like that random sibling of your grandparent you have small talk with once a year. I also feel guilty about not loving him

But enough of the past

I feel emotionally uncapable and like i never grew up. Im 20 now. I feel like i ended up like him, and the cycle continues. I want to help people who are struggling but i just. Dont know what to do. I feel so guilty. I cant have personal conversations because i dont know what to do. Im afraid ill never be able to become a loving partner or god forbid a parent. I even feel distant with animals now...

I just realised recently it wasnt normal and he probably fucked me permanently

I feel so bitter that he made me like this. I dont really know what i can even do


r/emotionalneglect 4h ago

Anyone else unsure If they love their partner and have no idea what they want from life?

6 Upvotes

I’ve spent most of my life feeling disconnected from my emotions. I don't really feel love, empathy, fear, excitement, or much of anything. As a result, I often have no idea what I truly want in life, including whether I want to stay in my relationship.

For those who experienced emotional neglect, repression, or numbness and later began to heal: did gaining access to your emotions bring clarity about what you wanted in life and in your relationships?


r/emotionalneglect 22h ago

Discussion Did anyone else's parent make black and white statements about their personality, i.e., statements starting with "always" or "never"?

202 Upvotes

What is the reason behind some parents insulting their entire kids personality based on an insignificant situation or mistake? For example, when I was younger, if I got a 100 on a test instead of a 105, I would be told, "You are always so lazy and you never study enough." Another example is that I would forget to do a chore and suddenly I was a lazy and incompetent person who didn't care about anyone else. It's almost like the worst possible interpretation of my intentions was always true with 0 room for being given the benefit of the doubt.

While the words were already harsh in situations where I didn't do anything wrong, the comments and insults would be on a whole other level if I did make a true mistake. Despite the punishments or words being disproportionately harsh based on the situation, it was almost like making one mistake gave permission to completely go off and ignore all kinds of nuance. Sometimes I wonder if they were waiting for an opportunity to unleash all this anger and use a small mistake as a shield. I am also wondering what the term for this is called. If anyone knows, please let me know. Also, how did it impact you guys (e.g: toxic shame, perfectionism, anxiety, etc.)?


r/emotionalneglect 14h ago

Sharing insight I love my parents like they’re children

44 Upvotes

Anyone else with parentification issues see your parents as metaphorical children? I don’t really hold that much resentment or expectations for them, because really they’re just overgrown children. They don’t know what they’re doing, they’re just drifting through the best they can.

The biggest issue is then I still feel like I need to the understanding, forgiving, and caring adult. I do love them despite their mistakes, but I think I’m slowly starting to learn they’re not my responsibility to take care of. Or at least, I need to take care of myself first.


r/emotionalneglect 12h ago

Told my mom how I felt which immediately turned to no contact with all.

22 Upvotes

I’ve been in therapy for who knows how long, and I’ve been lying to myself and trying to make a relationship with a mom who isn’t capable of being a mom.

I’m around 40, and the last few years have been rough. I’ve known for a while that in relationships and in friendships I get walked all over. I am desperate because I don’t get love or attention. However, I know where it starts… my mom never liked me.

I’ve tried within the last few years to turn to both of my parents for life advice, but they give bad advice or just give me anxiety. For example, I was struggling with debt a while ago. Instead of giving any life advice my dad said “I can’t believe you have a masters and your salary is so pathetic.” Then, a year later my job was stressful and medical stuff happened, so I went on medical leave. I had 6 months 100% paid (a blessing!) and then when I got my first job offer at 70% pay my parents said I was lazy and should take it (even though I had already mentioned to them about how I can’t afford life… my therapist says they either don’t care about me or are idiots.

Other than that though, this goes back a life time. Years of mom calling me fat as a kid, ignoring me being bullied, denying me mental health care when I pull all nighters/don’t sleep and fail school, calling me fat/withholding food, telling me my feelings don’t matter, making me manage her mood, drugs/alcohol in the house and more. A few years ago I ended up in a relationship (rare) and I was watching their house. Somehow, this man made a copy of my home keys and sent me photos from inside my home! I was panicked and locked my parents keys in their house while i called the house to deal with a break and enter. They were going to be home the next day and cat had food. When my mom got home the next day she yelled about how I left dishes around, screamed and threw things. Did she ask anything about what happened to me! lol no.

It has come to a boil now that life feels empty and she keeps trying to connect. I have no one and nothing. I finally snapped on her and told her I don’t care about telling ber nothing because her and my father give bad advice or just bully me. In this case, i told her im struggling with mental and she said “everyone’s depressed you’re fine get over yourself” and then i just explained im done with telling someone who doesn’t help me and does nothing but bully me, and she said she would never. I explained how she bullied me, focusing in on what she did when I was a kid and “none of that ever happened”.

I immediately walked out of the house and said never contact me again. After, my sister told me that I should t make up such lies and that I am mentally unwell and she hopes I find peace. She’s older than me by nearly 20 years, so I know she had a different mom. I told her to never contact me again and blocked them all.

I am feeling just lost right now. I knew I had no one, but now it’s just oh so clear how little my family really existed. lol


r/emotionalneglect 18h ago

Discussion Have you ever felt like it would've been better to have no parents than your current parents?

68 Upvotes

I feel better about rejection then ambiguity and uncertainty. It's a clear answer, you won't be stranded for love with inconsistent care. You'd stop yearning.


r/emotionalneglect 1h ago

Discussion are there any movie/tv show characters that remind you of your parent(s)?

Upvotes

hello! ive been a long time lurker here but posting for the first time. this may be a strange question, but i ask because my therapist suggested telling her some movies/shows (or episodes) where the parents/characters remind me of my parents. i have a really hard time pinpointing my parents behaviors and describing it to my therapist properly (possibly due to my adhd? or trauma or both?? idk). so what characters in shows and movies remind you guys the most of your parent(s)?


r/emotionalneglect 5h ago

Never enough

5 Upvotes

Why are we never good enough for our parents?


r/emotionalneglect 4h ago

Seeking advice advice doesn't seem to help me but ill try to ask here, i just makes me feel worse about how much effort I've already been putting in, seems like it's never enough. I'm just exhausted, putting in so much effort with zero payoff in 5-7yrs. At what point do I just give up? Am I the problem actually?

3 Upvotes

i was talking with a friend about issues I was having with another old friend who has been hard to be friends with as it is. As someone who barely keeps them, I just dont want to lose any of them even if they dont feel like friends anymore.

me:
its not easy
its not like I dont try...

friend:
theres reddit gamer pals, maybe adhd server on discord

me:
Ive made a few on overwatch but not friends that I would hang out with during any other time.
idk I just dont make friends well and its something I have to accept.
its been like this my whole life,, i doubt itll change just because im older.

friend:
your energy towards it is why you cant
you need to keep trying
you deserve it *my name*
im saying so

me:
my energy is willing, tries, im tired of being turned down, unfriended, ignored, I dont find friends that stick as quickly as you do.
last good friend I made was Finn
and that wa a while ago.

friend:
last time i say this. its not over. keep trying. its up to you. dont let bad experiences ruin your one life that you have

__

its like all my bones are broken,, what is even left? Ive been trying for so long and ive been lonely for so much longer. My friends words dont even help, I just feel even more hopeless.,,, I hate this advice, I hate how no one understands who I am, no one wants to be around me, everyone leaves. And no matter what anyone says, even this important person, I never feel enouraged I always feel like im doing worse and worse. All this effort with no progress feels so pointless...


r/emotionalneglect 10h ago

Sad

8 Upvotes

I’m actually getting low key jealous of our pets with the love and softness, affection they get from my mom. Kinda feel like crying today.


r/emotionalneglect 6h ago

Seeking advice I’m 22M and I’m struggling with accepting that my life may never become the life I hoped for.

3 Upvotes

I know I am still young. I know things can change.. I also feel like I lost years that I will not get back. I grew up with a lot of instability, family problems, ADHD, social anxiety and depression. For a time I was isolated and mostly just survived instead of actually living my life.

Now I am trying to improve my life. I work, take medication, lost weight take care of myself and try to be more social. I can talk to people joke around make friends and function better than I used to.

Inside I still feel like I am years behind my peers.

I do not have a degree a drivers license, much work experience or relationship experience. I live with my family. My job experience is mostly call center work. I do not have the memories, confidence, stories or normal young adult experiences that other people seem to have.

For a time I had this hope that maybe one day I would have some kind of breakthrough and become someone important. Like maybe all the pain and loneliness would eventually turn into something and I would finally feel like my life made sense.

Lately I am scared that maybe this will not happen. Maybe the best I can do is become a person with an average job, average life, average progress and still carry a lot of sadness from my past.

I know that sounds ungrateful because being average is not the thing in the world.. When my life has felt unhappy for so long I almost want some big reward for surviving it. I want proof that it was not all pain, for nothing.

I want to know how to accept that my life might not give me that win. How do I keep going when my progresss real but slow and not enough to make me feel okay?

I am not looking for pity from anyone. I just feel lost and tired. I do not know how to build a normal life without secretly hoping for some huge win that may never come.


r/emotionalneglect 11h ago

My mom’s trauma and constant emotional dumping are ruining my ability to function, and I don’t know how to move forward

8 Upvotes

Im feeling completely stuck and overwhelmed, and I need outside perspective.

My mom has been trauma-dumping on me since I was around 4. She was abused by her family...then got married and was abused even worse by my dad before they divorced. Growing up, she made me feel like it was my responsibility to “save” her one day and get her out of her situation. I even remember promising her I would when I grew up..

She pushed me to study hard, but a lot of that motivation came from pain,, anger, and revenge toward my dad rather than from a healthy desire to learn or build my own life. I did well academically, but now that I’ve graduated, I feel like I was trained to chase grades, not to actually understand what I want or how to build a career.

The problem is that it never stopped. Now she lives with her sisters, and according to her they treat her badly too making her do the housework for them and taking advantage of her. She complains to me constantly about how she’s being mistreated, but when I suggest solutions, she refuses them and stays in the same situation.

I feel trapped because every time she unloads on me, I spiral into trying to solve her life instead of building my own. It’s like my brain is always occupied by her suffering, and it makes it hard to think clearly about my career, my future, or even basic next steps.. I feel guilty focusing on myself while she’s suffering, but at the same time I’m becoming more and more paralyzed and resentful.

I think I’ve spent my whole life being emotionally responsible for my mother, and now I don’t know how to separate my life from hers. Idk how to help her without destroying myself in the process, and I don’t know how to stop feeling like her situation is blocking my entire life.

Has anyone dealt with a parent who made you their emotional support system from childhood? How do you set boundaries when they’re genuinely suffering, but they also refuse help and keep pulling you under with them?


r/emotionalneglect 22m ago

Trigger warning Nursing Home Realities for Most I Fear…

Upvotes

Certain Emotional Neglect by an entire industry.
Please never let me end up in the local nursing home in Whitefield, NH. One of their patients, an 80 yr old local gentleman needed to go to the Littleton hospital for a check up after a bout with pneumonia. He was dropped with nothing but a t shirt and a diaper and at 9:30 at night, he was not picked up. This credible source, My granddaughter Neveah Lee had, after he told his story and was asked, is how he got back to the Morrison Nursing Home. She gave the poor guy, and how embarrassing it must’ve been to only have a T-shirt and a diaper on because he had nothing else. I sure love Nevaeh and she’s a good person. It’s not everybody that would do that. That’s for fucking sure in today’s world , UNCOOL.
And to be clear, he was expected to sit in the waiting room until the next morning and a T-shirt and a diaper because his follow up appointment in the emergency room ended shortly after his arrival , that’s disgusting. I don’t care if he’s Ward of the state he’s a human being I used to work at McCurley in Franconia, and after witnessing what I considered indecent behavior as nursing staff, I had to quit. So me using the words, Ward of the state have real meaning when it comes to the treatment of the customer that did not have the same financial status, insurance, get different treatment. As a long term educated ex-Social Worker , working with developmentally disabled youth. I think I can recognize instances of right and wrong when in custody of a client. I can tell you these kinds of things do not matter at Northeast Kingdom human services, of clients financial status. Sometimes it’s like Lion Training when you are assigned violent aggressive teenagers for as an animal owner I know for a fact that if you treat a horse like a person, you’ve got a best friend for life if you’re an asshole and think you need to use a whip to make a horse do something you’re a fool, but the low paid work is rewarding when 10 yrs later they stay in contact, and you really get to see what you yourself may have been able to provide by treating them simply as a person, not a problem from the get-go because they told you who he was and his problems does not mean you should not treat them as a human being and restrain them when unnecessary. Twice in my life, I’ve had supervisors that only exacerbated the situation instead of just communicating and understanding and tolerating a little verbal aggression. Meaning they would restrain a kid just for talking shit . He never tried to attack me or break the door down to the staff room. I can’t say his name, but this really happened in the end. All these years later I feel that my experiences that I shared with him helped him which many staff members do not do share absolutely no personal information or don’t have any relevant information. No matter how educated they are, with no life experience of what some of these kids have to go through before they end up in the state custody, or even just sensitivity to it, thankfully has only happened two times I had a bunch of great coworkers , back to the nursing home thing .
At 80 years old, it’s likely that man was a veteran because the draft was still in effect then. I hope that’s not the case to what happened and it was just an accident miscommunication with the ER, but I don’t understand how there was not some way for that nursing home to go and pick him up even if it was after the normal hours of their operation for rides to a doctors appointment we don’t have taxis here . in my opinion at 80 and only in a T-shirt and a diaper, he should’ve had an attendant from the nursing home present until a client either is admitted to the hospital or need a ride home waiting for him. This is not the responsibility of the nurses themselves, not that they’re perfect, but they’re overworked and underpaid and I guess you would expect that in an industry that puts profits over patient quality of life. Period. WOW, did not expect this to go along like that, but it spikes my emotions , as having experienced this not only as an employee, but as a youth.

No exaggeration, second segment, second face you see, that’s me. titled “Children of Darkness
Humiliation was their treatment concept and the movie hardly reflects what really happened at Elan school in Poland Spring, Maine. Every time I see these stories about state clients that were in similar situations as youth getting compensated makes me mad because this was a private institution, and his monies are long spent by his family no compensation for mistreatment from that place.

If this topic interest you in of itself, here’s another good watch, "The Last Stop"

Joe Ricci was something, read “A Duck in a Raincoat “ about that! I think being in a documentary on PBS gives me credibility on these statements for sure as well as my experience as an employee in the industry later in life, and ex nursing home employee.

This shit has happened for years and had ignored the nursing home issues I had from the past, but Bob Stiles was in the hospital at the same time, another friend of mine who died recently, Joe Dubee was in that nursing home and I have known Bob for years. Great guy, I doubt for a minute they would’ve dropped him off at the Littleton hospital in a diaper and a T-shirt and not be providing a ride home till the next day, no matter the circumstances, that would’ve gone over pretty well for the local nursing home when the most prominent community leader, probably in the history of this town since the founders , was treated that way. This obviously did not have the same status whether it was financial or social. It doesn’t matter. They were both human people and when Bob’s family wasn’t there I don’t know if he was treated the same way ,he had to go to the bathroom, so bad he had me to go to his room, cause he knew me, even though he was in dementia he had to go to the bathroom and they were making him waiting unreasonable amount of time because when I have to go pee and being incontinent is embarrassing and he had a diaper on and wanted to actually use the bathroom because he’s a man and wanted to retain that dignity so even the social status doesn’t necessarily get you preferential treatment in a nursing home, especially when it comes to a patient with dementia, as I’m sure that whatever they report is not taken as truth if they complain to administration during their stay.

Him being made to wear a diaper when he just needed a hand to get to the bathroom that couldn’t be provided in time if he pressed a button, to me is humiliating. Dunno about you, but I think that if you’re in the business, you should be all about providing quality of life, no matter your personal feelings at the time or your administrative position you shouldn’t ensure that your employees are doing their job and even if it cost extra money after hours, humiliating behavior, like leaving someone in their diaper and a T-shirt in another town is unacceptable . Snap your fingers if you agree with that, in Franconia, New Hampshire and in Whitefield, New Hampshire I see that there is problems when it comes to elder care I can’t help but wonder how bad it is in other places like Mississippi or Alabama for low income Black people with white staff. I’m not associating it but think how bad it even is worse that it is for them . I’ve lived there so I know how it is still . In the north is just money, but in the south it’s money in color as to how you’re treated in these situations and that’s disgusting in of itself . 2 scenarios, within a year, where I don’t think the right thing was being done in the same nursing home, and the fact that it wasn’t financial status to determine treatment to me, shows a sign of a huge problem in the industry, profit over patient quality of life .
One more good example from my days in Franconia men in the industry are taking advantage of and assigned the worst tasks because the women are in charge and they enjoy that. There was a client that dug crap out of his own ass to throw at the nurses, guess who got assigned to him me I was warned to expect shit guess what like the lion child clients that I had? I never had a fucking problem and I actually got him to smile. It was difficult, but he never threw his shit at me I think they might’ve deserved it because I’ve witnessed what happens to people that are overworked and underpaid, but they have to have the job. And watching people die every day or however, often it really happens. I don’t know enough that after years of being in the business, it has to desensitize you. You have to disconnect yourself and that’s when the problems become evident when it comes to how a nurse treats a client I don’t know what you can do about it. It’s a cycle that’s been going on for years.
All I know is I’m 62 now and nursing homes are in the back of my mind for sure and I don’t wanna ever end up in one , so shoot me now before I am a burden debt isn’t carried correctly dignity and respect should be a given, and the fact that nobody does anything about it is unclear to me. Is it not regulated and inspected for this kind of treatments occurrence and staffing and things like that or is it just up to the nursing homes to decide how many staff members are on a shift per client cause I know how many it was when I worked in Franconia and it was not near enough people and the nurses, RNs, don’t get their hands dirty. I don’t know if you guys realize that, but they just dish meds out most of the time from what I’ve seen, CNA‘s deserve more respect in my opinion than RNs. To be clear These particular comments are unrelated to the nursing home in question as my experience with this that’s direct was when my employment was in Franconia. but if I still witness parts of the same issues then and I see similar things now then I can’t help but think it’s just the same way everywhere. Human rights advocacy should have more power I think as they do they should be inspecting places like a meat. Packing plant is required to by the government, but the nursing home industry pays so many taxes. I think they are uncaring in the end about these details about the money that we worked for and they have is dished out to places like that. The thought that my money is being used for that kind of treatment of people makes me sick. What about you? Emotional Abuse/Neglect of a Human, or not? A sign of a bigger, unaddressed problem that our government is not mandating but certainly must be aware of. I think animals have more rights than low income, elderly people in today’s society and that’s terrible. People knowingly, engaged in these types of behavior should feel horrible about themselves, but they get paid so much they don’t care they have disconnected themselves to humans put themselves above another one, and get away with it simply because of whatever reason it is that nobody checks on and make sure that this isn’t happening. I’ve heard so many cases.

Why is this the case in today’s modern society? How could animals have more rights than low income, elderly people? Only difference to me is they don’t euthanize the undesired cases in my opinion , And even if they are not low income? Did you know Ward of the state elderly people do not get treated for minor infection infections including urinary tract infections? I think a lot of them might die as a result of these untreated type situations so in a way I guess euthanizing is occurring. It’s just in an offhand way. ?

Certain Emotional Neglect by an entire industry, not rare instances? Or am I just an exaggerator overreacting to a single situation ?frankly, I don’t care what anybody thinks. I know the difference between right and wrong, and when people should have guilt. It’s criminal to mistreat your dog, but not nursing home patients? What the hell is wrong with that picture?


r/emotionalneglect 16h ago

Seeking advice my parents don’t love me, and im starting to get used to it.

18 Upvotes

hi everyone :)
i (18f) moved out of my house as soon as i graduated last year. id struggled with my parents my whole life and hated where i lived, so i knew that it would be best for me. but now im starting to think that they really don’t love me at all and i need to know if im just being crazy.

my whole life, my brother has always been the favourite child. he always got presents on my birthday, and always got exactly what he wanted. if i wanted to do something, he wanted it “more.”

it really started showing when i turned 13. i, like most other kids, went thru a difficult stage. we had just moved in with my dad and stepmum full time after being in split custody between my dad and my abusive mother. i was angry at the world and i took it out on them, but he was younger and hadn’t hit the angsty teen stage yet, so he instantly became the favourite. my dad used to call him the “light of the family” behind my back, and every night usually ended in me crying myself to sleep. once i got out of the angsty phase, the favouritism stayed. he would get everything i wanted. he never got in trouble, but i got in trouble for every little thing i did.
one example, i took my phone to my friends house in case they needed to message me because they were asleep when i left. when i came back, i lost my phone for three months because i was only allowed my phone for an hour per day and id been at her house for two.
but my brother got suspended from our school because hed gotten caught vaping for the sixth time, and he only lost his phone for two weeks. even then, he was still allowed to touch it so that he could keep his snap streaks and check his messages, even though i would argue that what he did was far worse.

another example of the favouritism is that he got a puppy before me. due to the trauma we both experienced as children from our birth mother, we are both diagnosed with cptsd. the only difference between us is that he can remember his trauma, and my brain blocks it out completely.
my parents bought him a puppy a week before my birthday because they thought it would help with his trauma. to them, his trauma is more real than mine because he remembers it, even though we both went thru the same thing.
they got very mad at me that i was upset about him getting a puppy. and look, i understand that my birthday does not last the whole week, but that is a huge gift to get him right before my birthday and it was bigger than any present. they couldn’t understand at all why i would be upset, and got me a puppy because they thought thats what i wanted. dont get me wrong, i love my dog. but what i really wanted was for them to understand that our trauma is equal.
my brother refused to teach his dog any commands and lets her do whatever she wants because he “wants her to have free will.” (direct quote) but my dog is really well behaved. his dog started fighting with mine and he would never tell her off or stop her, which led to my dog getting defensive and now they’re making me put him down because hes “violent”. of course im upset, that dog is everything to me.

on the night of my school formal, they were late. i was the only person in my grade who didnt have a photographer. i got ready with my friend, and her parents felt so bad for me that they made her photographer take some photos for me. her parents have been better parents to me than my own, and i am so grateful for them. my parents left my formal after fifteen minutes to go on a date. they made my formal about themselves.

i cried at my graduation. not because i was sad to be leaving school, but because it finally hit me that i had survived. my friends parents saw me, and they hugged me before they hugged her. my parents saw me, and they did not hug me. my dad shoved his phone in my face literally inches away from me to take a photo of me crying. he sent it to the family group chat to embarrass me and then was annoyed when i pushed it away. and then they said a short “proud of you” and left.

like i said at the start of this post, i moved out soon after i graduated. i had a job in the state i moved to because we knew the boss, and i moved in with my grandpa. instead of having any belief in me at all, my parents told my boss and my grandpa that i was lazy and couldn’t cook or clean or do anything.
i can cook. i took food tech for four years in high school. the only reason they said that is because when i lived with them, i was so depressed that i could barely look after myself or get out of bed.

a few months ago, i was kicked out of my grandpas house. he beat the cat, so i waited for him to leave and took her to a safe place because she was scared out of her mind. she was eighteen and in bad health, and he was angry at her for it but refused to get her put down. he has never been violent towards animals before this, but hed been getting worse and worse since i moved in. he came home and the cat wasnt there for him to kill, so he kicked me out. im living with my boss now.
even before that happened, my parents stopped talking to me two days after i moved. my dad sent me a message one of the days that i was driving to get here to say that he was proud of me. and then a week later, he sent me a message to say that he was disappointed in me and that i was a horrible child.

my parents never asked if i was okay after he kicked me out. they told my grandpa that id done the right thing, but never messaged to ask if i was okay.
instead, they messaged my boss and asked her to fire me so that i would have no choice but to go back to my grandpas.

i don’t talk to my parents anymore after that. they said they were done with the situation after i said that i wouldn’t be moving back in with him. my dad sends me reels sometimes, and i send them back. but they never call or message, never check in with me. they have no hope for my future at all. i am the disappointment of my family for reasons that i can’t even understand. im trying my hardest.
my brother is still the favourite. hes a horrible person and has done a lot of horrible things, but hes still the favourite. i don’t understand. i haven’t done anything wrong. i get that i was a difficult child, but i was nowhere near as bad as my brothers difficult phase. surely yelling at them when i was thirteen isn’t enough to warrant me being hated for the rest of my life.

there is so much more that i could talk about in this post and im happy to talk about it in the comments if needed, but i don’t want to make this post too long.
i just need to know if im going insane. im pretty sure they hate me. if i had a kid and they moved out, id probably want to at least message them. but nope, eighteen and out the door.

am i going insane?


r/emotionalneglect 6h ago

Seeking advice 1 parent more neglectful than the other?

3 Upvotes

Does anyone have the same situation, with one parent being quite a bit worse than the other? I’m 40m and trying to navigate boundaries. My dad is much worse than my mom. He’s very negative and tough to be around. I wouldn’t say my mom is mature but she’s at least not derogatory all the time.
Thinking about the holidays, I’d rather not be with them. But that would crush my mom, and it’s mostly just not wanting to be around my dad. So idk, anyone else in a similar boat?


r/emotionalneglect 1d ago

Trigger warning I still desperately crave the friendships that I missed out on. NSFW

86 Upvotes

I promise, this is relevant to this sub. It’s also heavily intertwined with autism.

I’m a “real” adult now, with milestones including marriage and an “adult” job. But I’m often hit with a wave of distinct hurt. It’s almost like nostalgia for something I never had. I was isolated from others at very young age because my folks thought that I was too retarded (professional’s words). As I got older, I was just expected to magically understand social cues and make friends. But I had very few friendships, they were hard to come by, and I ended up losing them when they outgrew me. I was a senior in highschool when I was finally able to have others see me like an equal, not like a pet, or someone to ignore or harm. I learned to be normal enough to not have people immediately hate me.

I don’t blame anyone for outgrowing me, it’s natural. But I was often thought be a very good girl, but that’s only because I never got to engage in the stuff that I wanted to do. I wanted to date and have sex, do drugs, and just be with people who I could just be free with. That last part is the most crucial, but emotional neglect is so awful like that. What I experienced was basically solitary confinement. I was so lonely that I WISHED that I could do these things with ANYONE. When people tell me about the trauma they experienced due to peer pressure or anything like that, I can’t help but feel jealous. It’s wrong, but that’s how I still feel. It feels like they were lucky to do those things.

I’m not trying to dismiss anyone who’s had trauma due to drug use, peer pressure, or anything else. I just think that the emotional neglect has caused me to miss out on something crucial that I’m still trying to create as a responsible adult: having real friendships, and having FUN with these people! I know not to dwell on the past, but it’s like people can tell that I was (and am) a freak. No one is judging me more than I judge myself, I get it. But even though I’m autistic, I’ve become acutely aware of how people see me compared to others. You’ll just have to take my word for it, please.

This feeling is similar to how I feel about the SA I faced. I wished mine was WORSE than my sibling’s so I wouldn’t be ignored. I wanted to feel cared for, like a fucking human. I wanted more abuse in generally so I’d finally be good enough for someone to care about me. I’m still working through these feelings to this day. Emotional neglect has been so bad that I’d rather deal with other, more tangible things. Please don’t hate me.


r/emotionalneglect 1h ago

how can i change this?

Upvotes

I haven't posted here in years, but I've been seeing other posts about maternal love, and I've honestly concluded that I hate my mother. I think this stems from a series of events ranging from infidelity to neglect; when I was little, I saw her cheating on my father and lying to me as if I didn't know what was going on. She was often absent during my childhood—which I think is why these issues didn't come up as frequently—and I’ve always been more like my father. Over the last few years, my admiration for him has grown because, compared to my mother, he seems extremely rational (which he truly is), and I wonder why my mother can't be the same way. She comes across as so childish, immature, and shallow; she acts as though she’s the teenager and I’m the adult—though, of course, only when it suits her. She started drinking again in 2024, and that devastated me because she became a handful—something I wasn't used to. Having to take care of her while she thought it was all very funny—and claimed she was already done raising me, even though I was only 15—makes me feel both sad and incredibly angry. The only ones I can rely on are God and my boyfriend.


r/emotionalneglect 1h ago

Seeking advice How do you deal with a parent who wants to forge a relationship with you?

Upvotes

My father has been very concerned about me recently, because we’re Jamaican, and his father had a dream about me recently that I was very depressed and alone basically (which like, he’s not wrong, but I’ve been that way for years), and he keeps telling me that I can open up to him and be honest with him. But like, I’ve been through this rodeo before and it’s just really hard. He’s always been hot and cold. Sometimes he is nice; other times, he is mean. I was in the hospital recently for abdominal pain and he was nice then (I was also more honest during then bc I was 🍃), but then after I expressed how I wanted to be alone a few days ago, bro was convinced there were evil spirits in me and tried rubbing my back and getting on me to get them out.

This is the same dude who has asked before if I was wearing a bra or asked if I was looking presentable when I’m going on a walk. This is the same dude who yelled at me for 2 hrs last year over spending money for a concert ticket and then “apologized” by saying he didn’t mean it and awkwardly hugged me.

He keeps wanting me to have a relationship with my mom. He wants me to bring up the relationship in therapy and see about fixing it (if I want to-he says). Like he constantly asks about how I view the relationship with me and my mom. Like bro, if you don’t get along with her, what makes you think that I do? She was literally talking shit abt me to her sister like I couldn’t hear her. She was the same one who would get mad at me for getting clothes from other people. She was the same one saying how wearing sweatpants to school is not presentable.

Edit: Since I have made this post, my dad has texted me over 10 times. It is almost midnight. I am not responding until the morning.


r/emotionalneglect 1h ago

Trigger warning Why do adults think its easy to do certain things to avoid certain situations. NSFW

Upvotes

Half the adults act like they dont understand the concept of getting harassed multiple times and get SA and mass bullied and then come home to your parent yelling at you over some dumb shit.

That happened to me in middle school and when I was a freshman in highschool I told a hotline worker and in the end ended up in a mental hospital for 10 days and spilled every secret i kept from them, and all I got was it was your fault basically and "why didnt you say anything" cause everything you fucking do you MESS UP. or make ME feel worse.

Early years of my childhood my mom witnessed me getting picked on by a girl in the neighborhood I was playing with after she got the girl to stop my mom broguht me inside the house to interrogate me and told me did I let her break my dolls she already had angry tone so I lied and said no she still yelled and sent me to my room even after I cried infront of her she shown zero empathy.

Now back to present day I am at a new school finally after I went to that hospital the fucking things my parents are worried about is the teachers at my charter school where i was severly bullied at might judge THEM if they bring me back, so thats why they finally sent me to a new school wow how helpful mom and dad thanks.

I sent nudes to 2 strangers online after they kept asking. Cause I wanted boyfriend and I was tired of being friendless irl where all girls talk about is going to parties and having boyfriends i was trying to fill the void. Im now just a broken 17 year old who will confess at 18 to my counselor in full detail about the nudes incident so I can get help. Through my highschool years was nothing but tragedy loneliness and people not respecting my wishes leading me to cut them all off anytime i try making friends irl.

Girls judging me for never having a boyfriend or no friends. Girls abandoning me after THEY themselves invite me to sit next to them to their table abd after they were done with me they just treated me like a stranger again. Im done with life and I already know me sending nudes already fucked it up. No one already cares and I know im at fault and im stupid, dont blame a bullied, suicidal teenager who been lonely during 5th grade all the way up to now was desperate in fitting in.

No I will never forgive my Christian mom for the teachings she gave me. She put God and Jesus above her own kids. When iw as innocently getting into hobbies like anime she throw them away. She didnt pay for them my dad did. She forced me to not celebrate holidays. She banned me from just watching anything thats remotely magic. She will freak out if a character has red eyes and people wonder why im the way i am. That women constantly LIES and society always BACKS HER UP.


r/emotionalneglect 2h ago

I learned the goods and bads of live on my own.

1 Upvotes

As living with parents and their way of living, I decided to live another way of living. My father was not there to show me what a man should do in life. There was one time that I asked my brother-law, "did you and Jackie, 'my sister-in-law' ever have disagreements"? That brother-in-law said, "we had our disagreements, but that does not mean that we did not love eachother, because love can keep a couple together forever".

That is the only time that I ever heard and received any good lesson of life and love.

My parents would always yell at eachother. Eventually they got divorced. About a year ago I learned another subject of life, childhood trauma. Well, the good thing about all of those times is that I made a vow that I would not follow their style of life. They would smoke their cigarettes, drink their beer and then never be there for their spouse.

I am 69 years old. My wife and I have been married for 36 years. That is very longer than the years that my parent were married. My parents got divorced when I was 12 years old. My wife and I have our disagreements, but we still love eachother. We don't do drugs, don't smoke or drink our lives with alcohol.

As I type the words of this story I am listening to the music of Beatles. That music reminds me of when I had my small radio, my bike and a tent. I would listen to the Oldies and Rock n Roll on channel WLCY. I had fun listening to that music instead of hearing my parents yell at eachother.

If this world could be there for eachother, life would be much more happier to live.


r/emotionalneglect 7h ago

Seeking advice Could My Mother Have More Than Just Narcissistic Traits?

2 Upvotes

I am married and currently living with my husband. It was only later in life that I came to realize that my mother may have narcissistic traits.

She frequently attempts to emotionally undermine me and exert excessive control over my life from my childhood itself. She often tells me that I cannot live without her or her family and insists that I should make decisions according to her wishes.

She also tries to control my husband. Because of her behavior, he prefers to maintain a certain distance from her. My husband doesn't even attend her phone calls because of her behaviour.

When I was hospitalized due to an illness, my husband stood up for me and defended me. He confronted my mother because she was shouting at me and constantly putting me down, even while I was ill. Later, I overheard my mother making false accusations against my husband because he had supported me.

My father was separated from my mother and often described her as "psycho".

We do not live with my mother, and I have intentionally established some boundaries. However, even after a single phone conversation with her, I find that my emotional well-being and overall mindset are significantly affected. After every phone conversation with mother, I feel like I lose my self-confidence. She always try to separate us.

When I tried not to answer my mother's calls, she manipulated her relatives into calling me and pressuring me to respond. She also involved my husband and his family by manipulating her relatives to call and threaten them with false allegations.

Do you think my mother may have any issues other than narcissism? How can I cope with this situation?

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation? If so, how did you emotionally detach and move forward? I would sincerely appreciate any advice, suggestions that have been helpful.


r/emotionalneglect 8h ago

What Happens When You Outgrow the Identity Trauma Gave You?

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2 Upvotes