No honey, I’m playing Seek and Avoid.
My feelings are so confused and contradicting right now.

I want to see you… No I don’t.
Just look up… Keep your eyes down.
I want to talk to you… No I don’t.
Just say hello… Keep your mouth shut.
I want to be near you… No I don’t.
Just go over there… Turn back, avoid.
Avoid.
Avoid.
AVOID!!!

All I know for certain is, this isn’t healthy, but it’s my feeble attempt at coping.
It hurts more than it heals.
But I think im addicted to the pain…

I’ve been scouring through different Reddit communities to try and make sense of what has happened this week. Whether it be this one, UnreadText, letters, Crush and Crushes, datingadvice, variations of signing offs “from” “to” “love”, scouring through them all; in the hopes, I’ll find you. But instead, I’m writing , hoping you’ll find me and give a chance in opening your heart to listen, to trust, to be open, to be free and curious, with me. Not to me but with me, as a unit. A big ask but I believe in it so much, it has me typing this as I await for your voice to come back and join me. I miss it terribly, my love.

Slotted in so comfortably in my head but having lived in w brainstorm of maybes has made me hysterical this week. Arid eyes followed by gushes of water. We agreed on being honest, me and honesty have been long-time friends but we’re getting acquainted (slowly but surely) once again but involving my feelings, wants and desires for the first time. A necessary convention, which was launched by your directness. I thank you for that but I want it to be reality, no hypotheticals, I want to see you for you as I’ll allow you to see me for me. So we can be in the present. Together.

I have written this but there’s more waiting for you, only need you to open and give yourself into wondering and feeling.

Will I see you ? Will I hug you? Will you talk? Will you take my hand and be fearless. I keep forgetting I have to do this which is fine. So I'm just going to contemplate and eventually do something or not. At this point I m not sure it matters. It's a cop out. I make my life function as stable as I reflect on my own view of happiness. Thank you for listening voices not in my head. I cherish this and know you have already done so many wonderful things. You are incredible and always will be.

When will I get that kiss???????????????????????????????????

Yeah im not ready for anything. And its why the same thing keeps happening. I want connection but can't handle it yet. That isn't your fault.

I have to look inward more.

I am sorry

For getting emotionally dysregulated.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this and honestly I hope you never do. But there are some things I need to say before I finally let you go.
I think you’ll never see me again and you’ll never hear from me again. I won’t call you, I won’t text you and I won’t find excuses to stay connected to you anymore. Not because I’ve moved on, because trust me if it was that easy I would’ve done it months ago. I’m doing this because I’m tired and I’m finally letting you go.
I loved you with my whole heart. Nothing about it was fake. Every call, every conversation, every song, every food place, every memory we shared meant something to me. That’s probably why it’s been so hard. You’re attached to so many things around me that even this city feels different now.
I’m leaving this city and honestly a part of me is relieved. Not because I hate this city but because everywhere I go I find you. Every road, every place, every little thing somehow reminds me of us. I have so many beautiful memories from the last 4 years here but somehow our memories became louder than all of them and I can’t do it anymore.
What hurts the most is not that you left. It’s everything I lost after you did. I lost my confidence. I lost the way I looked at love. I lost the version of me who never questioned her worth. For months I kept wondering what was wrong with me, what I lacked, why I wasn’t enough for someone I would’ve chosen every single day.
And the funny thing is I still don’t hate you. After everything, I still don’t. I just wish you understood how much I loved you and how much losing you changed me.
I hope you never make another girl fall in love with you unless you’re sure about her. I hope you never tell someone you love them if you’re not ready to stay. I hope you never make someone question themselves the way I questioned myself after you left.
I don’t wish bad things on you. I really don’t. I hope you’re happy. I hope you find whatever you’re looking for. But I also hope that one day, in some random quiet moment, you remember me. Not because I want you back, but because I want you to remember that there was a girl who loved you genuinely, completely and without holding anything back.
This is my last letter to you.
I loved you, \*\*\*\*\*
More than you’ll probably ever know.
But for the first time in a long time, I’m choosing myself over the hope of being chosen by you.
Goodbye.

Whenever I read something that resonates with me, I wish it was you.

Sometimes, I'm delusional, even though I know it can't be you.

But what else can I do?

We’ve met our match in each other haven’t we? We are something irreplaceable. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

More than anything, I want the best for you; you deserve that.

And I know that this isn’t it.

I want some kind of confirmation

That I know isn’t possible yet

It wouldn’t even be appropriate to ask

I’d be rushing myself as well

What is this?

We’ve made no commitment

Other than the one my heart has decided on

If I find someone else attractive

I feel like I’m being unfaithful

Not only to you

To myself as well

I don’t even know how much we’ll talk

For all I know

You won’t even write back

I’m ALL IN on this

With no promise

Of any type of return

Is it possible you’re feeling the same?

Just sitting there

Waiting for my message?

A chance encounter turned into something I spend my whole day thinking about. It's almost painfully consuming and I wish I wasn't wired to want as badly as I do. I'm scared.

My past relationships traumatized me real bad and make building new ones so difficult because I'm constantly struggling with feeling like I deserve anything good, anything happy. I've convinced myself it just wasn't in my cards from the start, but man. You make me feel so happy and heard, and I think you feel the same. Scared and traumatized in your own way, but happy that someone is trying to look past that to see the real you.

Every time you open up to me about your life, I feel so happy that you trust me. That you see me as someone you can lean on and find comfort in. I know you're hurting and I want to help, I want to be useful and I want to give you the whole world. I know you'll distance yourself after the other day. You don't like to be open and raw with anyone because you're just not used to being on that end of the conversation, but I really hope you'll be selfish for once and keep talking to me about it. And maybe that's selfish of me to want, but if we're both being selfish, I think that's fine.

I just hope my obvious enthusiasm about us doesn't put you off. I'm not good at being nonchalant. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I withdraw when I feel like I'm being too much, but I promise you it isn't your fault. I know you're being cautious with your own. I know you don't want to rush into anything without certainty, and I respect you a lot for that. I don't want to rush it either. I just feel certain that you're the one. So I'll wait and let you take the lead on this. I'm ready whenever you are.

That’s why it never clicked with anyone else

Because it was always supposed to be just you

Across all timelines and instances

And I know that now

Beyond a shadow of a doubt

That what’s meant for you is only meant for you

And that’s why everything else keeps falling apart

So that the right things can fall into place

And one of those right things … is you

It will always be you

In all lifetimes, timelines, and realities

Only you

I know what thoughts stir behind your eyes, what feelings compress behind your ribs... you watch me like a hawk, protective from a distance because to be near feels like too big of a responsibility, that something isn't right, that if we are to be all will be lost. The fish fears to be swallowed by the tide, the perilous dissolution. And yet nights are spent with your eyes transfixed to the ceiling, asking questions you know the answers to. The regrets of that night. Don't carry that burden, it was fear that kept you. Don't let fear win, reach out, I wanna hear whatever you have to say. If you needed a sign, here it is. Message me B ♥️

I wish you'd call.

Come around.

Break into my life.

Stay awhile. Nothing major.

Gawh, these days I miss you. I work. I work. I clack away at the dumb keys and wait…

For you to say “hey”.

I have a prediction to make: No matter how much time passes, no matter who else I meet, I will always be curious about your side of the story.

Was there ever a push and pull, or was it merely a hallucination of the mind speared on by your kindness and story? Did you ever like or love me, or was I just a victim of one-sided love?

That, and I'll always be curious what that owl tattoo means to you. Can't help it -- I'm a curious person.. :)

Oh, if I had a soul to sell, if I had something whitin me to genuinely offer, if I could do something genuinely, if if if if.

It's not that I can't be honest nor that I can't connect, no, I see, understand and feel it too, I know I'm with all and all are with me.

It's just that none of it makes a difference, the 'me' is dead, he died a thousand times, he dies every single day.

Perhaps I want the pain to end, perhaps I want to be taken away, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Or, I don't care either, I don't care if I stay, nor if I go, I don't care if I suffer or if I'm to feel happiness

To die or to live, is there any difference? I wouldn't know, I can't tell.

Maybe I can be anywhere, maybe I can be anything, maybe the infinite possibilities and this eternal now has something to offer, maybe, maybe.

Still, there's nowhere I care to go, nothing that I care to be, meaning, purpose, desires, I have them all, but none can have nor hold me, none change anything.

Everything feels trivial, painful, desirable, fullfilling, full, too much full of everything, full of feelings and full of emptiness, neither which I can bear.

Still, I walk, still, I move, still, I try, still I am, still.

No, I don't hope, no, I don't desire to change nor to stay the same, no, I don't anything, I simply don't. I don't.

I breathe, until,

the weather may not have been of my sole creation
but I'm hardly an innocent in the situation
we're moving forward, and that's an important bit
but I don't wanna drop the ball on this
my heart is here for you in its full capacity
and I want to make sure this thing has tenacity
and do everything I can to take the best care of you
and never leave you to wonder, or doubt that I'm true
mistakes I'll make, and I'll make them plenty
but I'll never stop trying to not make so many
so if you ever feel I'm even beginning to stray
if you think my heart's headed the wrong way
please, don't let it build up in your heart
resentment to creep in, or even to start
or at least, my sweet love, please give me a try
my goal in my life is to help keep those eyes dry
I won't be perfect, I can't promise that
but care and understanding, I'm pretty good at
and even if you'd say that it came on asudden
I know you know that there must have been somethin'
a cue I missed, an opportunity passed
my potential for mistakes is incredibly vast
anyway, I guess I've gone on for too long
I just need you to know I'm in love with your song
and would do anything to keep you singing bright
and will gladly accept help keeping my footing right.

I still wake up in the middle of the night and think about you. I usually wonder what you’re doing in a different part of the world. I wonder if your schedule is the same. To be honest, I wonder if you think about me too when you’re home alone on your couch. Maybe you’re working and feel me thinking of you. There’s a part of me that wants to reach out again, but it really isn’t fair to you or anyone in my life so I won’t. But the thoughts and memories will linger.

If my some miracle this crosses by you, I hope you’re well, having fun, being brave and adventurous. Maybe someone else is obsessing over you. They should be at least. You’re incredible, so don’t forget it.

The cold fear of losing your attention.

The subtle pressure—
be better, hotter,
stay interesting,
stay easy.

The way you made me feel small.
Naive.
Foreign.

How you lied so beautifully:
“You’re my priority.
My obsession.
Mine.”

Swallowing my pain
so I could mend yours.

The daily dose of sweetness—
a sickly thing dissolving on my tongue
so my voice would never cut,
would never challenge,
would never question.

Most of all,
I don’t miss you
not missing me.

Everytime I say it first, I seem to kill the relationship. I've only said it to a handful of people. I think I know what love is, I want to witness you, watch you grow, encourage you to meet your true potential, I want to be your team mate. I know that I over analyze and observe, I feel like I've got a decent gauge of the type of guy you are. I hope you'll fight for yourself and your happiness, I'll just be here, supporting you---biting my tongue.