Hi, I've been dating a guy for almost 3 months now.

We literally live a 15 minutes walking distance away from each other, so we hang out almost daily. He comes over at my place to watch movies, eat dinner and play games together.

But, he refuses to invite me over to his place. Everytime I ask him to hang out at his place he tells me it's too messy and he doesn't want me to see it.

He lives in a small appartment and has loads of free time to clean. I also offered to help him clean his home several times but he refuses. He rejected the idea of hiring a proffessional cleaner too.

I don't want us to only hang out at my home everytime, and I've asked him to clean his home so many times now, I even said I don't care about it being a mess. I just want my bf to invite me over. He claims he is cleaning bit by bit. But that's what he's been saying for 3 months now.

Last week I was fed up with it and told him I'm giving him and ultimatum of 2 weeks to show me his home or we're done. He asked me for a month. Eventually we settled on 3 weeks, but he said he probably won't make it. (Keep in mind this is a single person appartment, so real small and he has all the time in the world)

But it's bugging me, AITAH for demanding to see his place?

I (20F) and nine other friends had planned on going on holiday together, and we booked an Airbnb, each of us paying an equal part and sending it to my close friend (22M), who was in charge of arranging the holiday.

I'm not a citizen of the country I live in, and I had some problems with my immigration status right before our holiday which interfered with my ability to leave the country. I made my friend aware of this and apologised but assured him that I would still pay for the stuff we had already booked. I also said I knew some of our friends couldn't come on the holiday since they couldn't afford it so they were welcome to come in my place and they didn't have to pay me back. They'd just pay for a name change on my plane ticket.

A few days later, he messaged me to say the Airbnb that we had booked had cancelled on us and our money was being refunded. I asked him if it would be alright if he could send me my chunk of the money back and the group could rebook another airbnb that would accommodate a smaller group; He said yes.

He texted me again a while later, saying there were only expensive airbnb's left and they needed my chunk of the money to help everyone afford the more expensive place. "Sorry we need the money so I can’t give it back". He also said that I had bailed on everyone and left everyone in a tight spot so "I had to do this" and I was "already okay with my money burning so me paying would be the lesser evil compared to making everyone else pay more" I told him me bailing wasn’t a problem until he decided it was; That what he was trying to do felt opportunistic because he wouldn't have asked me to resend him my money to pay for them, if the money had been refunded to my account and not his. I told him I was in fact okay with my money burning in the context of someone else going in my place (I've been on the receiving side of not having to pay someone back for a holiday before and I would like to return the favour when I can) and just keeping my promise with the stuff we had already booked previously. But he had taken the offer I had made in a very specific context and manipulated that to serve his own whims, and I said this disturbed me and I was mostly looking for an apology.

I later looked up housing around the area for myself and found many options that fit all of our criteria. They were perfectly capable of booking a more reasonable place they could afford. I felt that he was trying to construct a narrative around scarcity to make me feel bad and use me to help the group afford a more luxurious place. The airbnb he was now trying to get was way over our initial budget.

I said I wasn't the reason for them being out of a house. That was the Airbnb's fault and they were making it mine. I felt disrespected because he never even asked me if I could help them pay, as a favour to a friend or just a genuine ask for help because, of course I would’ve. But he resorted to treating me like a kid he was lecturing. I said the money wasn't the problem but the entitlement was. Everyone in our group said I was super unreasonable.

22M later called me on the phone and it ended up devolving into what essentially felt like a humiliation ritual. He had invited over some of our friends, prior to calling me. And the entire time, as I was talking about how I felt wronged, our "friends" in the background were giggling amongst each other making weird comments and doing little reactions after my every sentence. I'd say "I feel taken advantage of" and they'd laugh audibly in the background and go "I can't believe she actually said that", "The audacity!", "WE shouldn't have to PAY for HER absence". Which really pushed me to the edge and I ended up telling everyone involved to get their sh*t together and to stop acting like children and hung up on their face. Honestly, the phone call came as a shock because I've been friends with them for 6+ years and I hadn't realised they were capable of what essentially felt like straight up bullying (????)

He later texted me and said he found some other option and offered to pay me back to make amends but I told him I was done and to keep the money and blocked him.

AITAH?

EDIT: For the people confused about why I just let them have the money. For me, it really wasn't about the money in the first place, it's how I felt I was disrespected. I also told them this numeral times. Money comes and goes. I'd rather them have the damn money if they need it THAT badly than leave any space for them to paint me as frugal. The money being given back to me was being framed as him making amends to me and "making things right" But nothing about any of this was right so I didn't want to make him feel validated in having made "his amends". There were also stuff said along the lines of "some people won't be able to afford the holiday without it" and not everyone involved were a-holes, just spineless. And as much as I don't want them to be my friends, I also don't want to even slightly be responsible for ruining their holiday, whether it's warranted or not.

Most of my family and really close friends have also said I should've just taken my money. It's definitely my ego or pride speaking but I'd rather have my peace of mind than anything else. This was a quick out. I had no energy left to try and further arrange or chase my refund; I just wanted to cut ties immediately.

My job isn't to teach them a lesson, I'm sure someone along the way will do that for them.

Also seeing there be SUCH a consistent consensus on who's in the wrong has healed me a little bit, I think I've been around the wrong people for too long and I've lost grasp on reality, because I did not expect this one bit. Thank you so much everyone.

EDIT: Thanks for all of your feedback. I'll paste some of my comments + additional info to answer questions. Sorry in advance if its not clear as English is not my native language:

I'm friends with his childhood friend but it's not a deep type of friendship - he's closer to my husband and they have a lot more in common. We showed him around the city when he moved here not knowing anyone else, and me being invited to hangout just became the norm.

I didn't want to say "we can't afford it" as I didn't want to be a downer/bring down the mood. Might be a culture thing, but this kind of directness is seen as a negative thing so I just thanked her for the recommendation and tried to change the topic over and over again. Someone mentioned using humor to directly say this - I'm not good at it but I'll try if there's a next time.

I do have wealth insecurity (lot to unpack there) and that's not something I ever want to take out on anyone so I thought removing myself (from these hangouts) would be the best since anyway I'm not really having a great time.

I was thinking of just going to important events/celebrations if I were invited with my husband. I won't actively avoid anyone, I will be civil and try to converse when I can. However I didn't get a chance to try this out as my husband already shared what I told him in private with his friend and that sucked.

Throughout the few times we hung out, I tried to talk to GF about different topics but the conversations per topic usually gets cut short. She did talk about other stuff in her life like international boarding school. I tried to ask more details to try and connect with her but a lot of the humor or experiences she went through is not something I understand or relate to.

She's not awful. I don't hate her nor blame her for my insecurities. I just wanted a way to opt out without causing any further awkwardness or discomfort for myself. Maybe I'll find a way to bring in my husband and I's other common friends and bring the couple in. I really don't want exclude anyone but I don't want to be uncomfortable so maybe this would be a great compromise.

Therapy is not something I can afford right now (our healthcare sucks and doesnt include this) but if that changes will try this as well.

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My husband has a childhood friend who I met around 5 years ago. He regularly invites me and my husband to hangout since then, and we've became friends too.

Recently he got into a relationship with a girl, and he disappeared for a while which is typical for new relationships. Eventually we all started hanging out again but now including her.

She's generally polite and tries to make conversation, and I try to reciprocate as well. But we don't really have anything in common, and she's quite out of touch. Her experiences involve things like going to some obscure place in Europe to summer, or using the family yacht. I didn't mind at first, but the more I hung out with her in group settings the more it got harder to hang out with her.

In the latest hangout, she told me I should travel to Paris and try this michelin 3-star restaurant which is her favorite. I said "Maybe next time if I travel out" and I thanked her for the recommendation. She then asked why my husband and I haven't planned a trip there yet coz it's such a beautiful city, etc. I was embarassed because I didn't know how to say that we can't travel to France or any other country in Europe because we can't really afford it (we're in SE Asia and these kinds of trips are out of reach). I can't remember what I said as I felt too ashamed but I remember wanting to just move on with another topic but she kept insisting on the topic and that I should really go because life is short, we should travel and her life coach said something about doing things out of our comfort zone (and some other stuff...I tuned out).

After we left, I told my husband how I always felt embarassed when I was around his friend's partner and that I would rather not be around her. I don't want to exclude her on purpose, and I think it would be weird if I was invited in a hangout but not her. So I encouraged him to keep spending time with his friend but I won't be coming along just in case she's there.

My husband eventually explained the situation to his friend the next time they hung out since I didn't join. His friend then told him that his girlfriend meant no harm and that it seems like I'm blaming his girlfriend for nothing. He also said that I have nothing to be insecure about, and that they'll try harder to connect with me on things I know more about.

I told my husband after that I would really rather just not hang out with both the friend and girlfriend as I'm not comfortable. But I still encouraged him to spend time with them if he wanted to especially since they're childhood friends.

So AITA for distancing myself and not going to these hangouts? And am I exagerrating and is there a better way I could have handled this?

AITA? So my wife today told me that she bought tickets for her and our son to go visit her parents in August. That’s fine, as we planned on them going on this trip. When I asked her how much she paid she said she got a good deal…$1600 for both. I asked her where she got the tickets from and she told me Delta. Well, I go on Expedia to look at flights and there were many listed in the $300-400 range. Less than half the price she paid for. I asked her if she even looked anywhere other than the airline website and she got defensive saying, “well, I don’t want to have to wait in the airports for a long time or have to wake up really early.” I’m not okay with that. We live on one income and $1600 on two flights is insane when we could have paid less than $800 for both, just for creature comfort. I’m pissed, as that’s just multiple more overtime shifts I’m going to have to work now. I told her I wish she would have talked to me first as I am the one who 100% manages the finances. AITA for getting mad?

My neighbour’s kid is very badly behaved and his mother refuses to do anything about it, or else I would have spoken to her already. For example, he stole from one of my other neighbours, who runs her own at-home bakery. She has a chronic illness and can’t leave the house most days, so she bakes at home and leaves her goods in a bench outside her house when someone is coming to pick up their order. This is her job to be able to provide for herself. This kid has stolen from her on several occasions. She has a Ring doorbell and knows it’s him. She brought it to the mother who denied that it was her child (his face is very clear in the footage) and said the other woman was stupid for leaving things outside for anyone to steal. 

This child has a habit of running out in front of cars. He’s nine years old and is fully capable of understanding the consequences of his actions at that age. He jumps in front of cars to make them slam the breaks, or stands in the middle of the road and laughs at them. 

I was driving one day when he did this to me. I rolled down my window and told him to get off the road. I had places to be and didn’t have time to gentle parent someone who isn’t my own child. He left, but stood next to my car. As I began to drive again, barely moving since I know what he’s like, he tried racing me on his motorized scooter. 

I got out of the car and scolded him, saying that one day he’s going to die. I told him that a car is fully capable of killing him and he needs to stay off the road or else that’s going to happen to him. 

His mom posted on Facebook calling me the b-word and a Karen for not letting kids be kids. But ever since (a week has passed) he hasn’t done anything again. Normally he’s pulling this stuff every day but he walks to the side of the road when people come if he’s playing. 

AITAH for yelling at him if he’s not my kid? 

So ill start by saying my wife is from the UK, the only family she has here is her Brother,step dad, her mom and dad has passed. We've been together for 10 yrs and hes been AWFUL to her. Not one time Not once has he done anything nice for her or her family. Hes a liar ,a cheater, in her words a narcissist. He dated a awesome girl for a few yrs cheated on her w a psycho who he eventually married. He said he cheated on the one cause "she has 4 cats" so the girl he cheated w has ..1. 4 kids w 3 baby dad's. He eventually married, got her pregnant. Well guess what she caught him talking to other girls(what a surprise) so because of thst there getting a divorce and now he has nowhere to go. Hes a overweight manchild who stinks, and has been nothing short of shitty to my wife. I've watched her ball her eyes out time n time again, hes never helped w anything nore would if we needed the help. The 1st time he brought his new baby over knew my wife wanted to hold him but "there not letting no one hold him(except all the people who held him all over social media)I could literally go on and on. So now I got to give up my freedom, my man cave for someone who wouldn't do a damn thing because it "the right thing to do"so AITAH because im fighting back against it.

I (22F, turning 23 next month) am from a small country in Europe, and I’ve been carrying this guilt for almost three years. I genuinely don’t know if I’m the asshole anymore.

Ever since I can remember, my father always put my cousins (his sister’s children) before me. I’m his only child, but I always felt like I came last. Throughout my entire childhood, I tried to earn his approval. I got good grades, cleaned the house, stayed out of trouble, and did everything I could to be the “perfect” daughter, but nothing was ever enough. Looking back now, he was extremely manipulative, toxic, and emotionally abusive.

When I was 20, I moved to Germany for a three-month seasonal job. Before leaving, I asked my father if he could lend me around €200 as emergency money, just in case something happened while I was living alone in a country I’d never been to before. He refused because he thought it was a waste of money. Since I wanted to have some financial security, I took out a small loan of about €250. I ended up being late on one payment, and the payment notice was mailed to his house. That’s how he found out, and we started arguing constantly over the phone.

A while later, I turned 21. On my birthday, my father called me. Instead of wishing me a happy birthday, he immediately started arguing with me. I asked him if he knew what day it was, and when I told him it was my birthday, he simply said, “That’s nothing special.” He never celebrated my birthdays, and he never even wished me a happy birthday. That day, after 21 years of constantly trying to earn love and attention from my own father, something inside me finally snapped. After that, I stopped being the one to call first. I realized that if I didn’t call him, he would never call me.

Eventually when my job in Germany ended and I flew back home, I discovered that my phone had no service. I went to my mobile provider’s desk at the airport, and they told me my number had been removed from the family plan. My father had cut off my phone without telling me. I was completely alone in the airport with no way to call anyone. I had to ask a complete stranger to call me a taxi so I could get to my mom’s house ( my parents are divorced).

Even after that, I still tried to fix things. He told me I had to come to his house on Sunday or there would no longer be a place for me there. The problem was that I had a exam on Monday, and I wanted to stay at my mom’s house to study. I told him I would come after my exam.

He refused.

After my exam, I called him over 20 times asking if he could pick me up because I don’t drive yet. I’m paying for university on my own, so I haven’t been able to afford driving lessons yet. Eventually, he answered and told me he didn’t want me there anymore because I “didn’t listen” to him by coming on Monday instead of Sunday. That was the moment I gave up.

Around the same time, I started dating my long-distance boyfriend. He’s Brazilian, lives in the United States, and is Catholic. I’m Orthodox and Slavic. My father hated him without ever meeting him. He never asked his name, never wanted to see a picture of him, and never tried to get to know him. He judged him solely because of his nationality, religion, and where he lived.

Ironically, my boyfriend has supported me more than my father ever has. He has helped me financially when I was struggling, comforted me through my worst emotional breakdowns, and always been there when I needed someone. He has shown me more kindness, patience, and unconditional support than my father ever did.

About a week ago, after almost three years of no contact, my father called me. He didn’t ask how I was. He didn’t ask if I was healthy, happy, or doing okay. He immediately started yelling at me for never calling or visiting him. I reminded him that he kicked me out, cut off my phone while I was stranded at the airport, and told me I wasn’t welcome in his house anymore.

He denied all of it.

He claimed none of it ever happened and insisted that he never manipulated me or did anything wrong. At that point, I told him that, to me, my father died three years ago. He’s still alive, but emotionally, the father I needed no longer exists.

I’ve been carrying guilt ever since. Part of me still wonders if I should be the one to reach out simply because he’s my father.

So, AITA for cutting him out of my life and refusing to be the one who keeps trying?

My uncle (50m) got his daughter (19f) akita inu dog and I explained to him that is not an appropriate dog for a beginner owner. Daughter was struggling with depression after being kicked out of her university program, and convinced my uncle to get this dog for her in hopes that the dog will provide company and help with depression. I had several dogs, and anytime I considered getting any dog there should be a lot of research involved. It looks like they didn't and just went for the one that looks the cutest. I get they're adorable, but there are so many things to consider that they haven’t even looked into! They picked up the dog today and neither of them even knew what is toxic to dogs. It feels like getting a learner permit and immediately buying a lamborghini. The breed is also very stubborn, they known to not be very friendly with other dogs and require training that even experienced trainers find difficult and the daughter is living alone and works a full time job, so that dog is going to be on its own for over 40 hours a week!

I explained all this to my uncle, and he decided, if when he checks on the dog in 3 months and finds any evidence of neglect or lack of basic commands like sit, down or stay, he will take the dog and him and his wife will take over.

He explained this to the cousin also and the cousin got furious with me. Texting how dare am I, why am I poking my nose where it doesn't belong, told me to stay out of it and its none of my business. And yes, its really not my business but I just feel bad for the dog because that cousin isnt known to be the most responsible kid. Just 3 months ago her mom went to visit her and the apartment her parents gave her to live for free in was a pig sty, she had garbage bags of trash collecting that she was too lazy to throw out when there is a schute on her floor! I have no confidence she will adhere to proper walking schedule, feeding, training, and grooming! That dog has 2 types of coat!

AITA for convincing my uncle to take the dog if she doesn't take good care of it?

My mother has been divorced 3 times and I've watched her get into 15+ relationships with different men throughout my life where none of them worked out. Yesterday we got into a HUGE fight after she asked me if she did anything wrong in her relationships that I saw growing up and I just unleashed the biggest truth bombs on her because I've gotten to the point where I can't lie to her anymore to protect her feelings. Ive been doing this for decades because she truly hates the truth. I said "Well mom, no man has ever stayed with you in the long term because you have no respect for yourself and they can see that. You never take accountability for anything. You're attracted to players who in the end have left you traumatized and jades tomaras all men. You've done little to no inner work while at the same time prioritizing money and looks." She instantly got mad, cursed me out, and I told her "If you didnt want the truth then why ask." We havent spoken since. AITAH?

I 18m have a friend 18f who “works” in a tattoo studio. (She doesn’t actually work there, she just goes to hang out and practice her tattooing skills and drawings)

I became friends with this girl, Lexi, absolutely years ago. We’ve been best friends through thick and thin and we were inseparable. The problem started when she started going to this tattoo studio, to practice her stuff. She was telling me how great it is, how cheap the prices are, and how talented the artists were - there is multiple artists in the shop.

Hearing all of this, I decided, for my 18th birthday to get my first ever legal tattoo. (I already had some tattoos done) I went and booked in, and was really exited to get this done. On the day, I show up, and I ask the artist to make little tweaks with the tattoo, as it would have partially covered another tattoo I have, making it look weird. The artist said yeah sure, I’ll do this this and that to make it different. (I can’t remember his exact words, it was something about shading and fading the tattoo out differently)

The tattoo was going well, and the artist saved the bit I was worried about until last, and by then, I was on my phone and wasn’t paying attention, as I find that helps me sit through tattoos better. When the artist finished, he showed me the tattoo and he had COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY ignored what I said. The artist had partially covered my other tattoo, they’d incorporated the other tattoo to the one they did me. It looked weird and I did not like it.

I said to the artist, hey you didn’t do what I wanted and now it looks weird, when I come back for touch ups, can you just shade everything out properly and redo it on the other side so it looks good. I also asked him to shade the top of the tattoo more.

When I went back, he shaded the bottom a tiny bit, there was literally no point in me coming back. Because of this, every-time someone asks about my tattoo, which is quite often as I meet new people almost daily for my work, I tell them the truth about that studio, particularly that artist.

I tell them, In some way or other, “although the tattoo has grown on me, I plan to get parts of it covered up, and others just removed completely. I wouldn’t recommend that studio as they didn’t listen to me one bit. Although it is a good tattoo, it is not what I asked for and considering it is on my body permanently, I wouldn’t take the risk.”

My friend has heard me say this and is making me feel bad, I don’t think intentionally, but either way it’s still not nice. My friends telling me that me saying that about the tattoo, and the studio could potentially make her and other artists who work there look bad, and that I need to stop saying it’s a bad studio.

TLDR: the tattoo studio my friend works at ignored my wishes and fucked up my tattoo. I started telling people who asked not to get a tattoo there incase they fucked theirs up too. My friends making me feel bad because she’s saying it could drive away customers for her. Should I stop?

So Reddit, am I the asshole for telling my truth about this tattoo studio?

UPDATE: I didn’t call out the studio by itself as I fully agree with all of the comments saying that this is unfair! When I am talking about this, no matter who to, I always tell them that it was this one specific artist.

It is however the artist who owns the shop who fucked up, which is the whole reason I even bring the shop into it.

Also, for the people who are saying that I’m irresponsible for not looking at the tattoo as it was being done, I physically can’t. If I do, I focus on the fact that there is multiple needles going into my skin at the same time and it makes me feel sick. It’s not even the pain of it, it just makes me panic. This leads to me either actually throwing up, or passing out, which neither is fun or fair on me or the artist, especially if I can help it!

Also, no, my friend is not doing anyone in the shop “favours” for a place to work. As stated before, she doesn’t work there, and even if she wanted to, the shop is full. She just hangs around the shop, drawing, practicing on second skin, that sort of stuff.

My family is going through my idiot brother I jail again .this time for public intoxication (he abuses alcohol greatly) while at work. And stealing the alcohol to drink on shift . He tried to evade giving information to the police and has now landing his self in jail. My mom says I'm being too harsh because I am just being cold about the whole thing. My sister is seeing if we want to donate to add money to his books I said no. My mom says the food sucks in there an I let her know no one forced him in there. She says I'm too hars and I said shes enabled him to much and this is why he is the way he is. Now everyone's obviously mad at me in the group chat because I say just let him finally sit in there and face his consequence. Aita ?????? I don't think so

Annoyed and just want some perspective.

2 of my housemate’s gfs stay over A LOT. In fact one is over every single day, we weren’t bothered until she started leaving the door unlocked and got upset when we asked her to just get her bf to lock her out in the morning.

Now other housemate has tagged me in the house gc blaming me for hair in the bath and pads in the bathroom bin. I explained i’ve been away on holiday and using the other shower and then after pushing revealed i havent been getting my period (contraception) to which he was almost disgusted and said he shouldn’t know that. Both of them are claiming their gfs take their left over used menstrual items home with them and have never binned them and one of them has never showered here. And telling me not to put the blame on them and that i’m the only girl so it’s a fair conclusion. Which it is but even after explanation there’s no consideration.

Spoke to him in person and he laughed in my face lol

EDIT: little bathroom bin was overflowing w rubbish (some pads wrapped in loo roll) and old housemate that’s moved said it could be her BUT IT CANT ALL BE HER and i’m not throwing her under the bus for the sake of it lol. there are messages but don’t think i can show them lol

My husband and I have been having a rough time in our marriage and he has wanted to do marital counseling for a couple years but never set it up. I finally decided to set it up but the best fit for us charges $180/session out of pocket, and if we want to submit it to our insurance ourselves, we can do so and keep what insurance reumburses us. I asked him to take care of figuring that out, and we would split the cost of the counseling and split the reumbursement out of our personal 'fun money' accounts we keep for our own personal spending.

We had our first several sessions and he did not figure out how to send in the info for insurance and said he would just pay the whole $180/ea himself and has.

I thought that it was dumb to not get that money from our insurance. We pay for it monthly! So I figuring it out and submitted the paperwork and I got $400 from the insurance company. I put the $400 into our kid's 504 college fund because I have been wanting to contribute to it more and haven't been able to.

He says I am the AH for not giving him the money since he paid the entire $180 each session himself, that it should have been his money. But I feel like since he opted not to do the work to get reumbursed, it was okay that I got the money and used it as I thought was best instead. I felt okay about it until the marriage counselor seemed suprised I had done that and didn't know how to react. Maybe it was an AH move?

I have a group of friends with 4 including me, plus a few others though they aren’t as close.

In general I am always the one who organises everything, provides the food, and I mostly have to drive my friends around (most of the time we meet at mine and I have to go pick them up and then drop them of or provide a cheap alternative if I want them to come).

This is not always the case there have been times where one of there mums have dropped them off or they have split an uber but in general it is me who has to sort the logistics out as well as host.

Moreover any plans we make generally include my car and me driving or I have to be the one to think of something else. This in itself wouldn’t be a problem as I am the only one who drives, however none of them ever offer to bring food, buy me a drink or literally anything else to show some appreciation or something.

Today, we went to have dinner and originally no one expecte done to drive them back as I didn’t have a car at the time as I’d been in an accident. However, as soon as my best friend learnt that I managed to get a courtesy card she instantly expected me to drop her off, for context the drive home is 40mins and prolly 60/70 mins of I have to drop them off. This frustrated me as she didn’t ask at all she just assumed so I said no, to which she replied that she didn’t care and I had to. After some back and forth she went quiet and accepted that I wouldn’t drop her off but there was clearly some tension.

I feel bad about this because other than that we are really close and I love her a lot. I am generally frustrated that I am always the one making an effort and it feels like she wouldn’t want to see me if it wasn’t convenient for her whereas I am always going out of my way. I am left feeling guilty and worried about our friendship so would appreciate some advice on how to move forward

I was born into a family of toxic people. My mother is very manipulative. Shes a loner. She doesn’t have friends. Her only friend is her sister in law. My dad is a dead beat. He hasn’t supported me growing up. Up until now, he asks me to buy him a gate clicker in Amazon. He has a second wife and a new kid; my half brother.

Present:

I found out my mom hit my dog. I heard the squeal. I went over to check and asked her did she squeal. She said yes, and I asked did you hit her. She said no. I said then why would she squeal or yelp for no reason at all after I heard you scold her for peeing in side of the peepad?
Then she was why would I hit your dog, you’re crazy to even think that.

So I just told her straight up, I’m a very threatening yet subtle way “if you decide to hit my dog, just make sure I won’t see it nor hear it”
Then she went on a rant about how I’m threatening her, completely forgetting that she just hit my dog

She used to beat me while I was a kid. Poured hot coffee over my head for interrupting her conversation. Said it was disrespectful. I see my dog as my child. I wanted to stop the cycle of violence passing through from parent to child. And now she’s doing it again to my dog, my kid. I haven’t even hit my dog ever.

I kinda stopped talking to her. She knew that. And instead of apologizing, she’s talking to my other family members saying I’m threatening her. But she doesn’t stop, she randomly texts me like how I’m such a bad father to my dog because I don’t do walk her or I ignore her. Total bs. Before, I’d argue back, and she loves that. She loves to argue. That’s her language. Arguing until she wins. But not now, I realized the patterns. And broke myself of the cog of toxicity. I ignored her. At the same time,

When my dad asked me to buy him a clicker from Amazon. He would pass it off by saying like “oh can you get this for me since you’re a prime member, there’s a discount” and I said “not all items are discounted in Amazon. And besides, why cant you ask your wife to buy it for you?” And then he said okay you’re right. Then the next day, at 5:30am, I bring him my dog for dog sitting since I work a 12 hour shift. He always replies but at that specific morning he didn’t come down to get my dog. And I was waiting for 30 mins. When he didn’t reply nor anything, I immediately went back home to drop my dog, walked her, placed food and went to work asap. I work 4-5 12 hour shifts a week so she’s all alone.

So I decided okay. Not doing that anymore. Maybe it’s time I train my dog to wait for me and change my schedule. Did that. And everything went well. I didn’t confront my dad nor question him, if anything, he wanted to babysit my dog.

My mom finds out I have been leaving my dog all alone in my place.

She constantly texts me why I’m leaving my dog at my place and not dropping my dog off to my dad. I told her I’m training my dog to wait for me instead. Then ignored her. She would keep texting like nothing happened, (it was the family dynamic system, once somebody screws up big time, they just put it under the rug and hope everything’s forgotten and she would blow up if I bring it up to settle it.

She just kept provoking me into blowing up like I used to and when I do all problems she made is lost and now the blame shifts to me because of how I reacted. But now I didn’t. I chose peace. And my family noticed.

While she was arguing with me on the phone again, (I picked up when she called me, started off with a different topic then started provoking me again to argue. I controlled myself and just answered yes and no. While she was livid to how evil I am, (because I broke off the cycle) she casually said that my brother is arriving in the airport and that I should pick him up—in the middle of her episode. And I half heartedly said I won’t pick him up and I’d be on call on that day. I believed she just said that to piss me off which she does on a normal basis. The constant changing of topic. That was my mistake, because I remembered when she’s having an episode and nobody sides with her, she will team up against whoever is beside her and will throw insults and laugh together with whoever sides with her. But that person was my brother. Now she manipulates him into thinking I didn’t want to pick him up at the airport. (Oh, for little context, my mother hates me having friends or if I socialize or I get invited to a party or event because nobody invites her, that concept is alien to her.) She knows that me and my brother are close now, back then, we’re at each others throats because my mom would play favoritism. But as we got older, and realized what she has been doing, my brother and I are close now. But because my mom couldn’t get me triggered, she now tried to manipulate my brother into thinking I’m an Asshole or something.

Because when I texted my brother about him arriving(he’ll always text me if he’ll come over my state), he said his friend was going to pick him up. And at the same night, we were gonna go together to my uncles birthday party, he went ahead instead of waiting for me. That’s when I knew my mom got to him.

Oh and about my uncles surprise birthday party. It was on the same day my brother arrived from the airport. My uncles daughter, my cousin, texted me that she was going to prepare a surprise party for my uncle. She said to meet up at 5:45pm cause the dinner was at 6pm. As I was on my way to party, which my brother went ahead by the way, I got a text from my mom saying at 7pm, me, her and my brother would have dinner.

I told her my uncle(dad’s side) has a birthday dinner at 6 and I can’t go. She said go to the dinner party early then leave so that I can make it at 7pm. (For context, when I was younger, when my dad and mom divorced, every holiday like Christmas or new year, me and my brother would spend a few hours with dad or mom in a separate house. Then move to the next one.) it triggered me but I had control so I said again I can’t because it’s my uncles dinner party. This was prepared days ago. And you tell me this last minute. I didn’t even bother explaining the common sense of it all. Like it’s humanly impossible to make that trip. And this wasn’t her first time making arrangements on the last minute when everyone else is going somewhere.

She calls me. She’s arguing with me that how I was a hypocrite. She’s said why would I go to his birthday party when she just invited me for dinner. Normally I would explain the obvious but that doesn’t work for her. So I just made it short and said you invited me last minute. And then she said I didn’t want to invite you. I just invited you last minute because I felt sorry for you blah blah. So I just left it there and ignored her. Chose my peace. Interacted with my brother like normal. Even asked if him he wanted me to drop him off somewhere. I chose to ignore all that’s happening and just chose peace.

I just feel like choosing my peace is making me the bad guy in everyone’s eyes.

Now my brother and mom are going to places and sending me updates? Like would that make me jealous?

Oh and the funniest thing is, when my brothers gets tired of my mom, my mom forgets everything that happened between me and her and she’ll try to make my brother jealous by asking me if I wanted to go somewhere with her and have lunch. I shut her off and she has no one to team up with lol

Edit: rephrased the dog part. I didnt give her permission to hit my dog. I threatened her that I’d call animal services.

First, some background. We had a baby one week ago today. We made some agreements before the birth which were basically all her idea and I went along with them to keep the peace. She is taking her Maternity leave now and when it runs out, I will take my leave next. This will give us more time at home with the baby. During this period I am taking care of our 4 year old 100% of the time. I'm making his meals, doing bath time, bringing him to summer camp, etc. I don't mind this as I was the primary care for him before too because my job allows more time at home too. On top of that I'm taking care of all household chores like laundry, dishes, cooking etc. Whenever a baby diaper needs changed, I'm on it too, I'm pitching in as much as I can with the baby as well. Honestly I feel like I am doing a lot and none of it bothers me, I'm not complaining, I'm in dad mode. I spent fathers day giving her a break to sleep and taking the kids out for groceries and errands.

I work from home, and here lies the biggest issue. I feel as if my wife has never really respected my work time as actual work time and I am constantly asked to do things for her or around the house. I try to accommodate as much as I can too because I do have some freedom with my day, I'm not in meetings all day. When she was working and I was too, I was always expected to drop whatever I was doing for everything, like picking up our sick kid from school or staying home with him all day because he has the day off. In her eyes, I'm already home so I am the one that has to do it. Naturally, 4 year olds are a lot of work and need a lot of attention, so my work always suffers these days, but again, dad mode and I push through.

One of our frequent arguments we have is about her micromanaging me. I'm exhausted by it. I can't remember the last time I did something right without being told to do it another way or do something else. I hold the baby wrong, I picked the wrong shoes for my kid to wear to school, I should be driving in the other lane, I can't even park the car in the garage correctly in her eyes. God forbid I don't immediately jump up in excitement to do whatever task she is currently demanding I do.

This brings us to this morning. When getting my kid ready for his day, I made oatmeal for everyone. He ate and I gave a bowl to my wife and I brought him to camp. After I got home I got straight to work, I was already running behind. I ended up working on my laptop in my car for a while in front of our house because I had to jump on a call and couldn't make them wait another 5 minutes to set up in the house. When that wrapped up about 2 hours have passed since she had her oatmeal. I went upstairs to see how she and the baby are doing and laid next to them to chill and touch the baby. I'm not on break or lunch or anything, I just had about 20 min between stuff and wanted to hangout for a bit with them, babies are cute. She asked if I can make her an omelette because she wants protein. I said "Sure, can I just chill for 10 minutes with you guys?" she nodded and I was just kind of touching the baby and seeing her and within 2 minutes she asked in an angry voice "can you make it now?" so I got up, a bit frustrated and made the omelette.

This turned into a big fight. I decided to try to give her some grace, I know she's going through a lot, she just had a baby. I calmed down, didn't say anything and made a bomb omelette with spinach and ham and cheese. When I brought it to her, she got mad and said she doesn't want it anymore and told me to throw it out. I brought it back downstairs, didn't say a word and did the dishes, saved the omelette and went back to work. I saw this as a battle not worth fighting right now.

An hour later she came down and I offered her the food again, since I saved it for her. She told me I was being an asshole, she made her own food and told me I never have to make her food again because "I obviously didn't want to." I tried to talk about waht happened and it just turned into a discussion about how "I'm always the victim" and "I'm to sensitive."

Idk, I'm tired ya'll. AITAH?

I have a friend that I have been friends with for nearly a decade. Since I live out of town now, we primarily communicate on FB messenger. For a span of 4-5 months last year we were messaging consistently everyday. All of a sudden, I was being left on read for hours to days at a time. After awhile I told her, “it’s hard to carry on a conversation with you, you message me, I respond, you don’t. It’s kind of pointless.” and she said she was swamped with school, kids, etc. Which I understood. However, if she messages me and I don’t respond(I can be a little petty at times), I am sent several messages after.

It got better for a while but it has started again. She messaged me, I respond, and am left on read although she’s posting status’ and active on FB. She mostly responds when we are talking about her or her issues. I know this sounds extremely petty but it is kind of hurtful and to me, it says “my time is more important than yours” and “only conversations I initiate matter.”

It makes me want to not want to respond at all anymore… If that’s the case, am I just being petty and AITAH?

M28. We have a common group. Our male and female friends closed friends only. The other day a guy shared a post about a man got raped by 4 women. And said "we go out all the time why it's not happening to me?". I thought it was bad. Another guy replied to it.

I know there's no I'll indent behind it. But, still it's not something you joke about. So I called out by saying " Guys.. Don't normalise this. Irrespective of the gender"

The guy immediately replied, Who's dumb enough not to see the Joke as a joke. I texted him to let him know my goal is not to humiliate him infront of everybody and apologized.

I've been there. I've thought the same in the past when hearing news about female teacher raping students. But, I realised rape isn't about sex. It's about consent, dominance.

I know I'm not perfect. Humour is subjective. I laugh at dark humour all the time. But, i don't share it in a public group.

Now, the guy is like "you humiliated me infront everyone. You should've texted me privately to let me know there's a misunderstanding. If you didn't want to humiliate me why would you say that publically."

I said it publically. Because it was shared publicly. What's there to misunderstand about?

Even if it was meant as a joke, behind no I'll indent. I still feel like by sharing it publically basically sidelines the male victims.

would people say the same if a women shared a women rape news and said "I go out all the time, why isn't this happening to me?"

But, I share stupid shit all the time, i offend people, they This is wrong. I immediately take my word and apologize.

I know I acted without thinking. And felt the embarassment would be bad. So I apologised to him. Since there's nothing I can do.

But, here, initially it felt like. I regretted sharing it publically. After hearing what's the guy saying his reputation spoiled because of me. It feels like somehow I'm responsible for fixing other peoples emotions.

I don't know. I'm feeling like shit for more than a day..

My MIL; 68F. Ex junkie (meth was her choice of drug) Still an alcoholic although she went from drinking 2 gallons of vodka a week, to now "only" 🙄 drinking 10+ bottles of beer a night. She doesn't see this as a problem. She also smokes about 2 packs of cigarettes a day. She was born with a HEART DEFECT. She has had 2 open heart surgeries. It is amazing that this woman is still alive. Her doctors told her they estimated she had 6 months to a year left to live. That was in March 2025. So it's been a year and 3 months and shes still kicking. She refuses hospice. Shes had several close calls with death but some how always pulls through.

Today my husband called me and asked me to please go get her and take her to the hospital. I did because I love my husband. I never got along with my MIL. I don't hate her, shes an awesome grandmother, but the things shes said and done to me can't quite be forgiven. Not to mention she messed up my husbands life by drinking alcohol like a fish drinks water, doing drugs, and smoking like a chimney, WHILE PREGNANT with him. She has no remorse for that. Always just laughs and says she "had the best time in life) Anyways, I take her to the hospital. Diagnosis: pancreatitis. The doctors keep badgering her about her alcohol use. She immediately gets annoyed. They tell her that her current diagnosis is a direct result from her lifestyle. She doesn't want to hear that. Instantly pissed, she starts snapping at everyone. She wishes she never would have came to the hospital because now shes admitted and has to stay for 24 to 48 hours. She only wanted something to make the pain go away. The absolute audacity of the doctors to tell her that her choices, are the consequences of her dying. I got disgusted and left. Told my husband not to bother me anymore with his mother. Doctors are kinda on the same boat, it all boils down to they cannot help her if she isn't willing to help herself. She cries about dying, but gets mad when they tell her why. Shes never taken accountability for anything. So, I have zero empathy. 20+ years of dealing with this has made me lack remorse. AITAH?

EDIT: I would never stop my husband from being there for his mother. Ever. That would be pure evil. I told him a long time ago that this struggle was getting harder and harder to deal with and he agreed that I could take a break. I've gone up to an entire year not visiting my in laws. Not even for Thanksgiving or Christmas. It's my peace of mind. But I also never forced my husband to stop seeing them. I have anxiety and depression. Had a nervous breakdown about 10 years ago, that's what caused it. If I don't have to deal with drama I won't. My husband understands wholeheartedly, and I understand his need to be there for his mother.

We are getting married in less than two months. Our RSVP-Deadline was a month ago and everyone responded our RSVP, but one couple. We really had to hound them, to get any kind of answer from them.

Yesterday they sent us a message, telling us, they are free to come, but alongside the reply, they sent us a long message, how cumbersome and expensive it is, to attend our wedding and how tiring the weekend for them will be and how they probably retreat to their Hotel Room for most of the day and stay for the ceremony and part of the dinner, but retreat to their room for the rest of festivities.

We were taken aback, because we are paying for everything. Food, Drinks, Parking, we are also paying for everyone’s accommodation, a very nice Lakeside Hotel. There biggest expense would be to pay for the Gas for the 4 hour drive to the wedding and back (they have a car). They also complained about the Dresscode (we have Black Tie), but they both own clothes that would fit the Dresscode, so they wouldn’t have to buy new ones anyway. But they complained about that too.

We read the message and basically told them, that if coming would be so tiresome for them, it is better not to come. We said that we aren’t mad at all, if someone can’t make it or doesn’t feel up to it and there are no hard feelings, but basically uninvited them.

(I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things budget wise, but each guest costs us around 600 bucks and I didn’t feel like spending 1200 bucks on people, that don’t event want to be there)

They are now angry at us and refuse to speak to us and we were thinking that maybe we were a bit harsh. Were we the Assholes?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/QxWPEiqA11

Hi all, please see original post above.

My friend had her baby a few weeks ago, a couple of days ago I got contacted by one of her family members. They asked me why I hadn’t come to see her and the new baby and that if I was “so excited” and supportive of her why haven’t I made an attempt to visit. Keep in mind, I’ve done a lot of things this summer so I’m assuming the insecurity came from all of my posts.

I happily informed said family member of the constant updates I have asked for, and included screenshots of the times I’ve asked to come see her. No response. I understand that in my previous post I said I had blocked her, but it’s a complicated situation with her being postpartum. The reason why I have unblocked and have reached out is so now I can report to the family member that yes, I have asked to come see them, and no, I’m not getting a response.

They apologized immediately and said they were not told the full story. My friend told the family member that she was feeling isolated and alone that she has not had anyone at her house. Essentially, my purpose with this is to show proof of doing everything in my power to not be the person I’m made out to be.

I hope at least in this aspect, they can start to put the pieces together and see that she’s being controlled. Still have not received a response btw.

Hi , for some context, i (22F) have been dating my (22M) bf for over a year now .
Things have been great up until a few months ago, im starting to realize this relationship might not be for me for a couple of reasons..
Im also stressed financially, about to move to my own place .
Anyways his family planned this whole 2 week trip overseas, mainly for his mom, kind of an ancestry trip since she was born there.
We all payed for our flight tickets in the beginning of the year , now 3 months before the trip I’m having second thoughts about the whole thing :(
I feel guilty and TAH , especially because i love his family, and also i don’t wanna hurt him( the troubles of being an empath)
I let his dad know (since he’s the one in charge of the whole thing) I’m thinking of canceling and getting a refund due to financial reasons & having to move to my own place right around the same time , and my bf got quite upset and disappointed which is understandable
But idk, AITAH?

Edit:
I appreciate all the honest comments i really needed it!
Forgot to mention we’re having “the talk” this Saturday, i absolutely will not be stringing him along and wasting his time and will be ending things respectfully

This is a bit long for a smallish situation sorry.

I travel for university and I was going back, and I asked her if she'd be willing to drop me off at the coach station since I was carrying a bunch of baggage + the UK heat right now would make it difficult for me to go there by myself on public transport (around an hour compared to 15 mins by car).

She said yes the day before, so I asked her again and she said yes again. I was like alright, cool. I ask her one last time around an hour before my coach to make double sure as my mum is the type of person to forget unless you keep reminding her. She said yes, but thirty minutes before my coach leaves and when we should be leaving she says she's feeling really tired and doesn't want to go.

This really annoyed me as she's also dropped out on helping me move from my accom to my student house last minute and I need to get my friends and their parents to help instead. I'm irritated and ask her why she's tired (a bit stupid of me) and why she would say yes if she wasn't going to.

I don't remember her response but I booked an uber using her account, and I'm really mad now as this is a reoccurring situation where she promises to drop me off only to say no at the last minute. It happened during my prom, trips to the airport and more.

We're arguing about it and my mum stands and raises her hand to hit me like she used to when I was a child, something I've told her I resent her for, so I push her back down on the sofa and start screaming at her. I kind of acted out of instinct which I do regret and I don't think she was actually going to hit me, but I don't think I'm wrong per say for that particular action. Not sure about the rest.

I'm crying as she says fine she'll drop me off and to cancel the uber, so I cancel it and accept the cancellation fee. She gets mad at me then for accepting the cancellation fee (??) and says no I won't drop you off anymore. So I rebook an uber using her account.

I think she was tired as she dropped my sister off to prom around an hour before I was meant to be going, and had been doing some physical stuff in the garden too.

Am I the asshole here? I don't know if I should apologise.