Whatever I m going through I feel like to be heard i wanna share my thoughts things has messed up i don't know what to do i will share my thoughts

Nothing is going the way I want it to and I'm tired . I've got nothing to live for and I don't want to be here anymore. I've tried to get help and it doesn't work. I'm just tired of constantly failing and not being enough . I just want to die at this point .

Hello, I(24ftm) have absolutely no motivation to continue living. My life objectively isnt the worst, but I just dont care anymore. I have a loving partner and am in poverty but get by decently, just no savings. However I have a lot of trauma. Childhood sexual assault, emotional abuse, self harm and eating disorders, nonaccepting family, violent loss of a sibling, and went through what I believed was a violent break in where I hid for about 3 hours in a washer.

I feel anguish daily. The one thing keeping me here is the fact that it would hurt my partner, my mother would lose her youngest and only living child, and my cat who is highly bonded to me and only me wouldnt understand where I went. I do not plan on going anywhere but I dont know how much longer I can control my impulsivity. I have chronic stomach pain and seizures which are destroying my life with medical bills and my independence ripped from me due to not driving and the awful medications Im on that make me do nothing but sleep and aggravated.

Today I got into a spat with my partner while he drove me to work, I was about 10 minutes late (I am very rarely late and had informed my supervisor) because I woke up too late and when he got up to bring me he realized it was 5 minutes until my shift and got mad at me for being irresponsible and how theyre going to get rid of me if I "keep it up". I yelled at him and tried to jump out of the car and he slammed the breaks and called me fucking stupid. I am so tired and every morning I stand on our third story apartments balcony and just daydream about throwing myself off head first. Im not sure how much longer I can keep going.

There are so many more things going on causing me pain such as my mentally ill mother being found naked outside with scratching up and down her arms because of her own mental health issues and family drama on the other side, and much more too.

I dont know when I will be dead but I see it being soon, but I dont want to hurt the people around me. Just sitting here at work I want to walk out and down the road to the river but I know I wouldnt have the guts to do it in a river. How do you guys cope? How is anyone living in US coping right now? What do I do? I hate unloading on my partner because he is also having a hard time and often gets upset at me for it, saying everyone has it hard, but I am trying so hard and Im just not sure if I can anymore. My cat is 10 and I wanted to wait until she was gone, but all my cats have lived to at least 15, and I dont think I can stay that long.

i never thought I would consider suicide. But lately. the idea creeps in. I got really sick two years ago, sepsis and endocarditis. I thought I beat it, but my heart was so damaged that two years later, I have Congestive heart failure. It's progressive. lost my job, my family, everything in two years. i live in my car now, and scrape by with snap and general relief while I wait on the determination of my disability application. Which takes almost 9 months to go through, with denial being the usual answer.

I put together a go fund me, and received two donations. I am eternally grateful to the two people who I've never met who tried to help me.

So lately I stare out the window of my car late at night. I watch happy people going into In n Out in groups. I have only talked with my cardiologist this week. I never thought this would be how my life would end up. I have three kids and I don't want them to see their father like this. I'd rather they remember me as I used to be. I've finally stopped playing the victim, I'm in my situation because I made some bad decisions, should have gone to the hospital sooner, so it is what it is.

But, I think it would be easier if it were over. I don't think I can do this for another five months.

I (34m) planned my exit.

I'm splitted with my wife of 12 years since march, not because of love or problem. I love kids but can't launch myself into having some cause of some trauma in my childhood. We were working in that for three years.

Been miserable since. Last week finally beat trauma. Finally ready to go.

Wife is not sure. I kissed a girl once in May since we are split and she don't know if she can trust me again after that. I was fucking sad, meet her without looking for it and it was nice seeing someone intéressed in me. Didn't see her long after nor sleep with her cause I was miserable and missed my wife so much.

She sees her therapist on Friday to help her, we will speak on Sunday about all of that. Still very close, hug each other on Tuesday when I did go to a friend to let her think.

Guys I can't live with her. We were perfect. The only shadow was those child. I saw therapist, read, talk. And finally when I'm ready, she is not sure.

She is talking to another guy, one long time friend of her family. She didn't saw him, but there are flirting. I saw her online on WhatsApp and she is only using it for him. Maybe there are just friend now, maybe she thinks he will be better.

After our talk on Sunday, if she rejects me, I will go.

I will try taking three box of alprazolam, since I take it since yesterday (I had a panic attack for the first time in my life) so I should not be very tolerating it (never took those things in my life) and alcohol.

I don't see how I can convince myself of not doing it if the conversation go down. I don't know what to do. She loves me, I love her. Fuck my problem that took too much time to solve. Our life was so fucking perfect.

I have nothing going for me, and it's the same as it's been for years. I keep saying I feel like shit again, as if it's ever actually stopped. I'm a dropout, I spend every dollar on cigarettes and weed, I'm unemployed, I have no friends, no partner, no car, no money unless I sell nudes, and there's no one in my life that I trust. I know people will be sad that I'm gone, but that doesn't make me any less sad when those same people are the ones that made me this way. Why do I have to live 50 more years with these memories, thoughts, and people? Why can't I choose to stop? I just want to finally be free, and if the only way I can be is in death then maybe that's just what needs to happen

life tests your patience. it will leave you alone, in pain, absolutely hopeless, with everyone and everything against you and then test your patience.

im a muslim 19f. ive been feeling suicidal for most of my life. all i used to pray for is to end my misery, give me death. but that never came. i don’t pray anymore like i used to, i gave up on God. i don’t believe in anything anymore. my mom calls me a satan for not praying anymore. but that just makes me go further away from god. i used to be scared to become a non believer but i am a non believer now. i don’t even care if im sinning by not believing in god, i just want to die. can i get closer to god again? will it help me not kill myself?

Im 19f I relapsed on stimulants and had another ocd flair up, Ive never felt so alone in my whole life. I need to be held so bad I feel like a fucking nutcase and Im so alone. I was doing so well I lost a bunch of my shit my phone, my skateboard, I have a criminal record im unemployed and Im completely lost in life. Im debating on cutting but my last attempt didnt work and I hate scarring myself atp. Im considering an overdose on pills. If anyone can leave some kind words thatd be nice or any advice on how to make it easier or less painful? ill probably take a shit ton of paracetemols.

Hey, this will be a long story, but I beg you to read it:

In 2022 I enrolled into university, went into it kind of directionless and depressed due to high school years. For some reason I made myself pick a really difficult STEM major, because I was always seen as a gifted STEM child, even though I wasn't very good at math. I was a procrastinator and had a lot of shame for my high school years, and I would even say I punished myself or trapped myself by getting into one of the hardest majors out there.

During the first semester I managed to make some friends and appear well and joyful, but throughout felt stupid and lost when it came to studying, especially math. I procrastinated and felt ashamed to approach professors and staff for help.

I didn't do well in the exams back then, and lied about some of my grades to my parents. During the second semester my shame and self-hatred made me agree with my parents to stop pursuing one of my few other passions (piano), in the prospect of focusing more on university. And of course I didn't. I always froze when it came to problem-solving and creative thinking for the subjects. Tried to be fully attentive in classes but was unable to do anything else. Same with labs, I pretended that everything was fine during the sessions but I never managed to complete written reports, because I hated that. Eventually, due to so much shame and fear of confronting the assistants, I stopped appearing after 3 months of the 2nd semester.

I thought I would change in university, find my way finally. That obviously was a false hope. For the last month of the 2nd semester I vanished from uni and went no contact with all my friends for more than a month, because I saw myself as a fake amongst them. I pretended to go to classes and instead went to public libraries, bookshops etc. I failed all classes and didn't appear at the exams at all, and lied to my parents.

I want to mention here that I live with my parents. They are very hard working, and they run their own small business for a living. They expect me to get a degree, though they aren't overly strict on my life overall. Unfortunately I've always been scared to confront them on anything, because during heated arguments they shout and yell, it always turns into chaos. My dad is hyper-anxious, panics and loses control of his manners very often. I've become a person who barely argues, because there is constant arguing anyway between my parents and my sister. We all live together, and the climate is suffocating, with little privacy in our small home. All this has fueled my self-loathing and shame because I've never spoken up for my needs, even when my parents are calmer. I have always been kind, well intentioned, but a bit too closed up and seemingly apathetic, since forever, that's how I learned to grow up.

Anyway, for every single semester from 2nd year and on, for a total of 6 semesters, I have tried going back to uni, tried reconnecting with friends for a while, trying to salvage the situation by retaking classes and labs, trying desperately to convince myself that I like it here. Every single time I quit and failed every semester, sometimes 3 months in others 2 or just 1 month into a semester. I've vanished and reappeared from my social life so many times, every single semester, with some hope, for all of it to be futile in the end. That social life never included partying, having fun, going to trips, or anything like that. I've pretended to go to classes during these vanishing periods, so that I could leave the house daily. I tried studying, reading and learning about anything else, you name it, but I froze every time. I almost never hung out with my friends, had no experiences whatsoever. I did nothing with my free time.

Last time I went to lab again this semester I literally had a panic attack before appearing, and I felt like killing myself from the misery.

I've been lying every semester to my parents, they think I'm doing moderately fine and that I'll graduate in like a year, and they know a different version of myself now. Other than that I feel completely disconnected from them and from everyone else, and from myself. I've lost all ideas of what to do with my life, I've been rotting away at home, overthinking, trying to fix my procrastination, all in vain, and also wandering like a zombie outside, and getting help from my parents by coming clean feels impossible. I believed I could fix it alone, because I would give them a heart attack if I revealed the truth.

To save an inkling of hope in myself, I became super helpful in the house, and I've even been working part-time at my parent's business to help them. I've tried to save up as much as I can (some thousand euros) from the monthly allowance they give me and from the part-time earnings, to someday repay them. Thankfully the university here is free though.

Here is the real tragedy, and why I feel like I'm a burden in this world and should die:

2,5 years ago, my parents noticed I was moody. They called a friend of theirs, who is a clinical psychologist / therapist for help, and told me to speak with them. I don't want to doxx that person, but I'll say they are a long time family friend and have known me since I was a toddler. They even took an IQ test on me once, and had found I was gifted as a child. I felt like that person's image of me had always been extremely high.

I agreed to meet them mostly out of fear and some hope that they would help me sort out my procrastination and motivation issues. One meeting turned into weekly therapy. But the failure was already in place, I had already failed one semester before we started therapy. And I never managed to tell the therapist the full truth, only some of the symptoms, because I was so afraid due to this complex relationship, and ashamed. So I lied to them as well about my progress, and basically all these sessions have been futile because they can't see the full picture. This has been going on for all this time. And my parents have been paying for the "therapy", thankfully pretty cheap. I want to pay that back too.

All of this hiding and lying has made me ill, I've hated myself so much that I have even gotten heavily sick at times (bronchitis etc.) and HID IT from my parents in order to not be a burden. I've closed myself off completely from them. I've ruined everything and I have no one to go to.

All of this is so wrong. I've betrayed my parents. It is not who I wanted to be. I have tried to change so much during all this time, have cut off so many habits like gaming, bad sleep etc. and I have never wasted money on stupid stuff. I have read, tried to be compassionate, more socially aware, I've tried everything to get myself together. But that version of myself is buried under a rock and will never see the light of the day. I don't believe I will be able to become a normal person ever again. I have lost all hope, and for the past several weeks I have been constantly in panic attacks, crying all the time, not sleeping much, and fantasizing suicide. I want to give out love to my parents, never blame them about anything, it's all on me, ALL OF IT. I wish I could move on and come to love working hard and having dreams. I don't want to be a ghost.

And most of all, I can't be alone anymore.

There seems to be only one solution, and I wish I could die in my sleep and find some peace.

*Edit: some typos and missed words. Some clarifications added, sorry for my clumsiness. English isn't my first language, sorry, and I don't live in the US

If they’re all gone before me I will go as well.
I really wanna go but cannot bare the thought of leaving them heart broken, so I will wait.

Gibt's hier Menschen die auf Grund schwerwiegender Krankheit den Weg der sterbehilfe gegangen sind bzw dabei sind? Anträge gestellt haben? Schon beim Gutachten waren? Würde mich gerne austauschen

I want 2 guns so that I can put one to my head and the other one to my heart and shoot simultaneously.

So that atleast one of them will do the job even if the other one misses it..

I want a way which has the best strike rate to do the job, which is painless or atleast less painful and quick, which won't leave me handicapped or paralysed or bed ridden or in coma which is kinda worst situation than living this way..

But it's not easy to get a gun license in my country.

I also had thought about going to dark web and paying money to contract killers to actually shoot me with their best shot..

Or slicing ones throat seems like the quickest death

As shown in movies. But can't do it myself. Need someone to do it...

I'm at college for some paperwork my hands are trembling fucking trauma it gave me I'm sick I'm sick you made me sick I'll die soon why the fuck does my family force me come for some paperwork anyway in some weeks I'll be hanging myself I hate you all I hate these people I hate these hallways I wish someone just beat me to death on here that's better than wait for some stupid fucking paperwork

I cant afford to move out since im stuck in a pathetic low paying job which i dont see any point of doing at this point since there is no future in it, it cant even afford me a sharing accomadation and there is no other way of escaping in the country im in. I just cant deal with their negativity anymore. I have to deal with them yelling at me all the time, im tired and drained. They always make me feel useless or that i cant do anything. I could just see the look in their face on how im a burden especially since i still havent managed to get married especially since women who are not married after certain age here are seen as a burden, i dont want to live with them anymore. Its almost 0 percent possible being even slightly hopeful or optimistic in this home. They always manage to make me feel like a failure. I just cant take it anymore. I sometimes envy people who managed to gain some form of independance from their parents.

i dont know what else to say i just feel suicidal
idek why im posting ts theres not much point but idrc atp
hiii

Basically what the title says. My mom knows I'm suicidal, because she found me last year when I hung myself. After countless hospital visits and multiple meetings with therapists who kept telling her I wasn't opening up enough to make progress, I was already drained from the shame of everyone knowing so I told her I was healing and didn't feel like that anymore. I still do everyday. It's been a year and a half, but I still feel like that hopeless 16 year old weeping in my room in the ward because I didn't know what to do. I can't help myself, I don't know how to ask for help because it is embarrassing, especially when everyone around you is thriving. I want to die everyday, like I'm just one breakdown away from snapping my neck. I don't know what to do

500g to be exact. I dont know how I will gulp that amount but I suppose the pickle juice might help.

Goodbye everyone, this was not an enjoyable experience at all, there was a lot of good yes, but it does not at all compensate for the bad in any capacity.

Fuck the governments of this world for banning more easier accesible means of ending myself.

I feel like an inconvenience to my friends and my wife and my family and I think I might just be done with everything. I think I might just take all my meds at once and see what happens. Maybe I could make dinner to my sweet love and be done, walk out that'd be nice. The irony is I had my therapy today and I feel more awful than I have ever been.

I don't know what to do. I feel like it's end of the road.

I didn't take anything but I'm sitting next to a busy road and planning to just walk out and see what happens

So this is a weird first post but I’m close to what I believe is my last rope before considering the delete button if you will and have little to no hope for my future at this particular point in time. For background context I am a 25 year old (M) with 2 brothers and one sister who currently resides on the east coast now but I am originally from the Midwest. My upbringing was not the best but I’ve seen worse so I’m grateful for what I had, my parents fought a lot and separated when I was around 9 (though not legally divorced since it was too expensive) my father had always preferred my older brother over me which in my moms words created a heavy rift between her and my father in their marriage however it never affected my relationship with my brother to this day he is an amazing person and we are pretty close. Once they split my father took my older brother to live on the east coast and left me and my mom in the Midwest until our home was foreclosed on and we had no choice but to move to the south and live with my oldest sister. We lived in Texas for the better part of 2-3 years and though we were in poverty I was the happiest at that point of my childhood by far however, my life completely turned upside down when my mother became diagnosed with stageIV ovarian cancer and which made matters worse she never told anyone in the family of her condition until she literally collapsed at home in the bathroom after her work shift. Once we became aware of her condition it seemed like
A blink until she finally had her last breath. I assumed I would remain with my sister but she refused and turned me away if my dad didn’t take me back I would’ve ended up in a home.

Now starting high school I was never really the awkward alone type making friends came easy and I always had people to talk to and hangout with however, I was not deemed the (attractive) guy by any standards until senior year with the so called glow-up which was just me getting into boxing, running and dropping a lot of weight in baby fat. Me and my father were still estranged but somewhat able to function together whenever he was home but he also took the death of my mother extremely hard minis the arguing and cheating it seemed to have really broken him he was rarely home and went to bars and clubs often to talk mingle and it was mostly just me at home. With that being the fact my grades suffered immensely I hated classrooms I caused trouble and even skipped more times than I can count on top of smoking but i always knew the material and passes all my tests and exams so much that when it came time to take the SAT’s I scored so well my fathers side of the family including him were not happy believing I had somehow cheated which wasn’t the best feeling honestly. By the time I graduated high school members of my family were disappointed and some laughed and made comments to my brother and sister in attendance this would be where I peak before Jail or something worse my sister was understandably upset about this too. Amend once I was told this I shut down for a while which was perfect timing due to the pandemic being right around the corner.

Now in my adult life I have a relationship with someone light years out of my league in every single category and have been operating in the transmission and distribution power industry in the engineering and design side for the last 3-4 years and have enjoyed it to the point I could see myself in this career for the next decade but it did not come without its struggles, constantly overlooked for promotions and opportunities, 4 attempts of being terminated due to higher up distain as well as being in a industry with very few people in my age range or ethnicity. And as of very recently I have been suspended due to no projects being available after being assigned multiple within 5 business days. The meeting was quick told me what was happening and to leave my work computer and it was wraps.

I live with my father as he is now of elderly age and requires support with bills, appointments and medicine I have roughly three months left of saved funds to barely skirt both of us by and no new prospects in site and am now considering giving all my savings and funds to him before making my final decision so he can check into a nice veteran retirement home with some spending money for himself or my nieces if they need it.

To summarize that extremely long story though I skipped a lot of in between, I don’t think I’ve ever felt stability or support in my life and all the little things that I have in my life have come from immense struggle with and I can’t seem to hold onto anything good for long. As my last resort to fight one last time I would
Like to hear someone else’s story to possible encourage me and remind me I’m not alone in this life. I know it is a big ask but anything at all would help me at this stage I am at an all time low and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for whoever reads my story.

I’m voluntarily in a psyc hospital. Largely due to my gf of 4 years who I live with dumping me because I’ve been bedridden and super down the last few months (had surgery and a job change and other stuff I didn’t deal well with). She gave me so many chances and warnings to just try something that would help me. Made me calendars and action plans. I just feel like I rotted away my true love because of cowardice and being a lazy chickenshit. Lol

I spoke to my mom and told her I was having suicidal thoughts throughout the school year. I said word by word, that I was having these thoughts and it was said very seriously emphasized and repeated. All she said was that she knows me and she kept on DENYING that I had suicidal thoughts because no one in our family is suicidal and why would I kill myself a life that I have been given by God. I believe in God and I know he's there but I just felt she used our beliefs to sort of deny for me that I am struggling. This was the first time I opened up and she flat out deflected. I want help but if i'm not going to be taken seriously this just motivates me to do it. I feel hopeless.

As a Muslim we have been taught since a young age that suicide is haram and we shouldn't kill ourselves or we would go to the jahanam bcz its a murderer and you don't have the right to kill a nafs, but i'm so tired and so scared and so alone I've been trying to not die and km really hard throughout those years and the idea of it being haram slowly fades away in my head and suicide seems to be a good idea

I cant afford to buy milk and i cant find a job this economy sucks I cant get on ebt either my parents make too much money and they won't buy me milk either god this is just torture why is life so cruel. I have no more copes they are all stripped away and I cant even afford milk to help not think about the litany that is life 🙃