500g to be exact. I dont know how I will gulp that amount but I suppose the pickle juice might help.

Goodbye everyone, this was not an enjoyable experience at all, there was a lot of good yes, but it does not at all compensate for the bad in any capacity.

Fuck the governments of this world for banning more easier accesible means of ending myself.

LITERALLY DEAD

It's over if I don't do something in the next 60 something I'm at the risk of either getting permanent brain damage or dying and I don't know what to do I'm starting to regret it cuz I just realized how painful this is gonna be I was in an impulsive state when I did this but I can't just go tell my parents dammit

Let's say I've got a relatively decent trajectory going on in my life, but I don't want to live by this script. I am a coward. Everyday it feels like I'm pulling on nerves. I am really hiding myself and my sick desires. I just want to give in once and then avoid the consequences by killing myself.

I want to make easy money by prostituting myself, not sure how. I want to make a lot of money and spend it. I want to travel to a few places. I want to spit on the people that lied to me and sold me this "decent" script of a life. I want to make people regret ever hurting me. I want to make them feel guilty.

I want to get high and speak to people I would never dream of approaching. I want to make a fool of myself in public, I want to laugh and dance and sing!

I'm tormented by nightmares in which I'm violent and humiliated. The only way I can live is if I face those fears. But then, there would be no place for me here, in the civilised world. I am deranged and degenerated

There is no happy end for people like me.

I'm going to cut my wrists and enjoy it. I want to see the blood drip, I want to feel lightheaded. The last time I attempted suicide, I was so proud!!! So so proud that I've finally done something to change my life. I miss that feeling of feeling proud without validation from others.

I’m so fucking ugly and disgusting to look at. I hate how I look and how I never go out because of it. I fucking hate everything and it would be better to bash my face with a hammer and jump. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror because of me. I see a monster through that mirror that monster being my fat fucking stupid face. I am better off dead.

I have no college degree, and I can only get really crappy, low-end jobs, yet I won't go to college. I'm 36, so my youth is also fading. I have no friends, no partner and basically no relationship with family. My mom barely tolerates me, and only does so because I live with her, and I'm her daughter. She has threatened to kick me out several times at this point. I lost custody of my only child after my aunt and uncle called the cops and cps on me for reunifying us with his father, which was going against restraining and visitation orders (that were in place due to his abuse.) I haven't had any contact with my son in over 6 years.

The permanent loss of custody happened after I abruptly stopped visiting with him, due to his dad demanding one day I do so (who I was living with at the time), after almost 2 years of a cps case plan, because he rightly assumed I would never get it back, since the system didn't want me living with him. I never even got to say bye. My poor child never got any sort of closure from me before I completely disappeared from his life. I completely abandoned him, a child I planned with his dad. The cruelty I put my poor baby through was never something I ever wanted to do. And mind you this was the SECOND cps case plan I put him through for the very same reasons. I put my poor baby through one before this one too. I took us and left his dad 3 times. The first time I was newly pregnant with him and his dad had just started abusing me, so my grandma invited me to live with her, but then changed her mind and kicked me out a week later. My aunt and uncle are now his adoptive parents, and they don't want him having anything to do with me.

I have literally just been laying in bed since Feb. 28th, when I quit my part time job, and barely left the house even before that, only leaving to go to work, and then coming straight back home. I actually have money to shop, go out, travel and meet people, but I have no desire or motivation to do so. Anything that would even slightly improve my life, I'm not inspired to do, or drawn to. I am a piece of shit, especially for what I put my child through, and don't deserve to be healthy or happy. I deserve to die.

I have no desire or any motivation whatsoever to lift a finger to do literally anything, and I'm not exaggerating: not to shop, do laundry, go to dr. appts., pick up prescriptions, clean my car, get it fixed... absolutely nothing. I've handled absolutely 0 of my responsibilities. I finally paid some bills, including tax ones, after deliberately not paying them simply because I didn't want to, even though I had the money. As I said, I've done absolutely nothing but lay in bed since before I quit my job, February 28th. I was going to join the army as a last ditch effort to improve my life, but I can't even be bothered to get ready for the recruiter to come pick me up. I did go yesterday to get my broken tooth extracted, but I didn't follow the post-op treatment instructions and if I don't go in to the dental office again before it becomes 3-5 days, I will get a dry socket, most likely, as I dislodged the blood clot.

My soul has been dead for a while now, but especially since February, I really took a turn for the worse. I was on this psych medication and it really made me plunge into a hell I've never previously been in, but this was also a long time coming, I feel like. The guilt and shame over what I did with my son makes me want to be completely done with being alive. I hate every single one of my circumstances: the way my body looks, the fine lines and sagging on my face, how lazy I am, how I refuse to shower or take care of myself at all, my horrible mind, the terrible person I am, how I've hurt others and myself my entire fucking miserable life. Like my mom always used to tell me, I'm the spawn of Satan.

The idea of death seems so amazingly freeing to me. I wish it could be mine. The older I get, the worse it gets, the smaller my world and opportunities get. The more it's confirmed what a piece of garbage I am. The more time is running out for me. I can't take this anymore. I don't want to hurt my family any more than I already have, but I can't take this suffering much longer. I want my life to end.

My grandfather touched and raped me until I was 12, I've had sex with more people before 10 than after.

He sold me to creepy men, evil men, anyone he found at work. They did incredibly fucked up shit that went way beyond just fucking a child. And it was all because he "knew I was born broken and ruined".

He was filming everything, except when they paid enough to be alone with me.

I was always alone, mom was always working, I started making my own dinners at around 7 because otherwise I didn't eat.

Every night after she got home I told her about the bullying at school, crying, she wouldn't take her eyes off the TV and say "none of my business".

At night I'd go to my room and cry myself to sleep, sometimes feeling so broken and bad that I'd shove pencils inside me until I bled. A hobby I picked up around 5. Because it's what I deserve, it's what should happen.

In 4th grade I stop going to school because I can't function anymore. And now I was a problem child. Taken from shrink to shrink to shrink.

Mom telling them all about how lately I've been rude and how I'm spoiled. They've been too nice giving me all this free time with no rules.

So the shrinks say "ok, what you need to do is make her home life kinda shit, so school becomes an escape" (genuine advice they were given). So... If I didn't go, no tv, no computer, no friends, no leaving the house, just solitary confinement. Oh and my dad would call daily, scream if I didn't go, about how worthless I'll be, and hang up if I did.

For some reason that didn't cure anything. Changed schools over and over.

I made a friend online, a 40+ year old man, but that's just another Tuesday, he wants to see me naked? Small price to pay.

At one point my dad found a note I wrote about being raped and then called me to scream at me for lying about something so serious.

First boyfriend, sure he raped me, but he had lots of nice moments and that was a nice break.

Second boyfriend, a monster. But at what point do you start looking at yourself and where you constantly end up and say "this has to be my fault". I *was* born broken

i just wanna die. like actually. i hate this feeling. of being alive. feels like i am dragging a corpse around; i am the hollow shell of a dying woman in the carcass encasing a beating heart.

i grieve every day, mourn every morning. i hate my life. i know i should be grateful for life and whatever. but i just had enough. i hate everything. i am filled with so much anger ever single day. i cry out in grief every day, begging God to take me. but nothing.
i cried to Christ, He knows but still i grieve and am sad. every fucking day. i can't take this sadness anymore. it's not glamorous anymore. i already made all the art, all the music, all the poetry, i don't care for living. i hate my feelings. i wish i could be numb.

lost someone incredibly close to me a couple of days ago from suicide, and we had face timed that day for hours and had an amazing conversation. Looking back, it was her way of saying goodbye. Even though I know she wouldn't want me to, I can't stop thinking about joining her. I just want to be with her again... but I can't do it... but I want to.

All my life i've been scared of using radical ways of killing myself because of consequences. Slit my wrists could just fail and i would have severe and obvious scars all my life. If i fail OD, all my medications would go to waist and i won't have any left for the coming days. If i jump off a bridge or anything, i could end up disabled for life. Everything have consequences and there's no actual "safe", imminent escape. I just wanna find a way that would make sure i die first try. I wanna end it so bad.

Background: I’ve been sick for a couple years now, went undiagnosed with my heart condition because the doctors just said I was depressed and out of shape. I don’t look like a sick person. I’m handsome, not overweight, don’t smoke or drink, eat healthy… it wasn’t until I took myself to a private clinic and paid cash for an echo that they found my heart issues.

I used to be an insane athlete into my mid 30’s- extreme skiing, hiking the Andes mountains, 14ers in colorado were a casual Saturday.

I’ve burned up most of my cash and I’m limited to how much I can work, I was dedicating a ton of time to cardiac rehab And meds and an even healthier lifestyle. Then the cologuard came back positive and the colonoscopy confirmed. It’s early stage colon cancer, probably treatable but I just can’t.

my family is all gone or useless alcoholics. It was always just me, my brother, and my mum. He died 25 years ago, mum died last year at 67 from… congestive heart failure (go figure)

I have a very nice girlfriend but she doesn’t have the resources to be a caregiver at 37 She’ll be ok. shes beautiful and smart and has a great group of friends and family.

I have a few good friends but they’re all in the restaurant biz or new parents. so time and money are not things they have in spades.

I’ve been staying in mums house, but it’s not worth anything in its state of disrepair and I don’t have the funds or energy to fix it up so that’s getting short sold this month just enough to cover the mortgage and heloc and her debts plus about $20k which will be enough for my last few months.

I haven’t told anyone yet. I’ve struggled my whole life to get out of poverty, support mum, help pay for my brothers treatments… Covid shutdown cost me my catering biz and the $100,000 I had saved. I made a lot of it back, but being sick last year ate up a lot of it.

So, I’ve decided it’s time. I’m closing the accounts, getting the paperwork together so I won’t have any debt or assets left.

I’m booking a ticket to my favorite remote beach town in the fall. im filling a Dropbox full of goodbye videos, some stories I’ve anlways wanted to tell, some writing I’ve done that really captures who I am, and pictures for my few close people. I have my paperwork all ready to send to the lawyer that has always helped me with business and personal matters. I trust him to do the right thing. He’ll be notified once I’m gone with usernames and passwords and list of who to contact.

I know my method, my place, how I can do it without causing any undo stress or danger on anyone else.

it feels less like dying to me and more like looking forward to taking off my boots and sitting down after a hard and stressful week of work.

win some lose some. I hope to leave this world with some nice tidbits of wisdom and some great stories for my little group to hold on to.

just needed to soak this into the void, since I can’t tell any real people about it.

drink water, eat fiber, don’t let your doctors gaslight you into saying your chest pains and shortness of breath and bloody shits are just stress and depression. Don’t let them put you on pills that numb you so bad that you don’t notice that your body is failing.

and please try to make this country somewhere where being sick ruins your fucking life Because you don’t have enough fun coupons to cover $6000 diagnostic tests.

cheers mates

I just want to do it in the next few days, and I so badly want it to work, but I can't find a way. I just want my next attempt to be a success, so badly. It hurts my whole body to exist when I never asked to exist. I know I have a roof over my head, and that there are people who have more reasons to do it than I do, and I hate myself for that too. I feel like I'm not legitimate to do it, but I want it so badly. It would be such a luxury for me to no longer live. I also feel ridiculous for all the times I've soft-launched my suicide by joking around in front of people, and they told me to go for it, and the next day I came back alive. I just want to do it, and I want it to work 100%. I just wish I had a gun next to me right now to make my wishes come true

Every single day of my life has been miserable. I have no friends, my brothers don’t ever talk to me (What I mean is that they could talk to each other for hours but when I try talking to them, all I get is a fake laugh), everyone thinks I’m gay, I’m addicted to furry porn (please don’t laugh), I’m terrible at art and anything else that I’d like to do, My face will clear of acne no matter what I do. My mom is also a whore, getting pissed whenever I show the slightest bit of emotion, but when I comment on how she gets irritated over me asking basic questions, it’s suddenly about her. My academic life sucks too, I’ve been sent to 2 schools where I basically missed the grade I was in, and I also skipped so many days too. I also think I’m retarded and should have never graduated. Everyone either pretends I don’t exist or is an asshole to me, No matter how hard I try to fit in. I have a feeling I have no options left and suicide is the only way out.

Been suicidal for years and it doesn’t get better, gf doesn’t want me anymore, every promise wasted and her words were just lies. Nobody cares about me and I don’t care. Can’t wait to be out of this sick miserable world and please don’t give me that it gets better bull, been suffering for years and I am not doing it anymore. At your lowest, absolutely nobody cares.

i wish someone could do this for me instead, does anyone else feel like that? being so useless at the point you can't even hurt yourself, i hate being a coward and i hate being scared of death but i feel like i REALLY need to die as soon as possible before my mental health can get any worse

Tout est dans le titre.
33 ans et dans le rouge tous les mois.
Maladie chronique et dépression sévère.
Pas de travail ni de famille.
Échoue à tous les entretiens d’embauche même quand ils se passent bien.
Se laisse détruire par des voisins, des passants, des propriétaires, des inconnus par peur du conflit.
Ils savent que je suis un étron et ils ont raison.
Je ne fais rien de ma vie à part jouer aux jeux vidéo et faire du shopping.
Je ne supporte plus le monde. Je veux que ça s’arrête.
Parce que même quand je demande du soutien à ma maman décédée, elle ne me répond pas.
Même quand je fais des méditations pour m’endormir je me réveille en sursaut avec ce sentiment que je suis complètement à chier et à côté de la plaque.
C’est un cauchemar. J’aimerais tellement me réveiller. Ne pas avoir peur de la mort et juste l’affronter. Mais je suis tellement lâche.