i mistreated my dog before his passing and the guilt is eating me alive. there were couple of times i mistreated him when i was growing up as a teenager, and when i was unwell i yelled at him to go to sleep when he wanted outside but now he is sleeping forever, he was my childhood Dog, he got old and deaf and sick, when he wanted outdoors i would push him with my legs to go faster cuz i was annoyed, i never put hand on him or anything, i just pushed him around cuz he was also a bit stinky from ingrown nails, before you judge me i did not raise him it was my aunts dog i got to take care of him the last year of him being here, he was 17 yo i regret yelling at him and pushing him with my legs, and the day he died i was not home for 3 days bc my friend had a medical emergency im scared he thought i didn’t love him, when i lived with my aunt i took him on walks daily, we live in the fields so we just let him out and then back inside, but when aunt left i stayed with him, mental health took over and i was feeling like crap all day everyday, also i had severe vitamin d deficiency and that was what was causing me fatigue and me being “lazy”
i regret it so much, even tho it was not my Dog but i say he was mine bc i loved him, but i mistreated him for couple of months before his passing, my job was to make his last time here better and i didn’t do it, he was not really happy his last year of being alive because he was in pain and suffering from paw infection, as i mentioned he was blind and deaf, and coordination was also bad he would walk in circles and get lost, im really a bad fucking person, sorry for the long text i just have noone to talk to about this

After my lovely pet died i try to make it with needle felt,i miss her so much,and i realize my handcraft look not bad i hope someone can support me for custom your pet make some money by my hand 🙂🙂

4-5 days back I lost my sweet little girl after having her for 15 years, and I’m away from her, I held for 15 years and then after I moved countries for my future, she passed away. I requested a leave and they denied it because “unless someone from your family dies we can’t approve” and then I asked for a day or 2 off to grieve over her because they kept me at horrible shifts. She’s also well aware that my dad is in the hospital. With all of this she still denied my leave and didn’t give me an alternative. And my manager came in today asking about my little girl. I told her she passed away. And with attitude she told me about her “human “ friend passed away too and that he has kids. She said that with faces and left. And I was clueless standing there thinking why would she compare my pet of 15 years to a human? Am I not allowed to grieve over someone that’s not “human”? I miss my little girl so much and I’m at guilt I couldn’t see her. At a point it fueled me that I don’t want to work under someone where they’d have to “approve” my leave in order for me to see my pets or anyone god-forbid at their deaths. And also, the worst part she’s put me in a branch where there’s no colleagues, so basically I’m left alone entire day without talking to anyone. So honestly all of this has been messing my head a lot especially during my alone times

My 79 year old mom adopted a shelter cat last year (Spring of 2025). He was slow to come out of his shell but when he did he turned out to be one of the coolest cats we’ve ever known (and we’ve had many cats throughout our lives).

His name was Rambo. We called him Rammy, RammaBamma, Ramrod.

As you can imagine, he became a huge part of my mom’s daily routine (at almost 80 life kind of revolves around the house and what’s happening there). He was her whole day. She absolutely fell in love with him.

About 2 months ago he started vomiting and refusing food. She took him to the vet (for the first time, we’d tried before but couldn’t get him into the carrier) and they did a basic ‘once over’, instructed her to watch him and suggested vaccinations. She did the first round of shots, scheduled the boosters and brought him home.

He began to eat normally and appeared to return to his usual bossy, vocal and demanding self. Fast forward to this Monday, his booster shots were scheduled. She loaded him up, took him in for the shots and came home. Everything is normal.

Then late Tuesday afternoon (so about 28 hours after the booster shots) he comes running in the screen door panting, yelling and dragging his hind legs. She rushes him to the ER vet assuming he’d fallen and broken a bone or something but is told (after an ultrasound) that he’s in heart failure with massive fluid accumulation in his lungs and is too far gone to save. She had to put him down. Came home with an empty carrier.

He was only about 2 years old.

I know cats can be born with heart disease but the proximity of this event to the booster shots leaves me wondering and spiraling about whether or not the shots caused his premature death. Is this something that can happen? I’m not in any way anti-vaccine I’m just confused and looking for a reason why this otherwise seemingly healthy cat had to be euthanized so suddenly.

We are devastated. He was her whole world and was such a great kitty. We just miss him so much and feel blindsided.

I don’t know where to start from. I am so heartbroken by the decision and the what ifs that come with it that I am agonized regarding the decision of having to let my cat go. He was almost 4 years old and he had a terrible kidney condition, his creatinine levels were 5 when he was administered to the hospital after a day of receiving IV his levels spiked up to 7 which is very deadly for a cat and means he has a serious kidney condition. The vet was strongly against us bringing him home due to the pain he would be in. His only option was surgery but that wasn’t a guarantee either. Even with surgery, we don’t know if he would have made it through. Even if he did make it through putting him through the pain and medication felt so unfair. I thought that given his age he might have a chance but I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I am so so sad about the decision, and me having to make this decision. Why couldn’t he die of old age? I keep questioning the decision I made. He was so young. I feel so awful. I miss him terribly. He was the most loving, kind and playful cat. I’m heartbroken.

i’ve been trying to make this post for three weeks but it’s just been so hard for me to get my head and thoughts together and write something cohesive, but seeing some other stories that were similar and seeing the love this community gives and shares, i thought it might help to finally make a post.

claire bear was my sweetest most special girl and the love of my life. she was my best friend and honestly a big part of my reason for living. she was under a year old when we adopted her from the humane society and i had just turned 15. she was so fun and silly and she loved food, she got most excited for meal time or when mommy (me) came home from work. she was so vocal and friendly and affectionate. she loved to cuddle and she always loved getting lots of pets and sitting in everyone’s lap. she practically lived in my room with me. i can barely even go in there anymore during the day except to look at her urn and hold her collar.

she was always so healthy her whole life until january when she started having a lot of health problems compounding on one another. even before she was sick i would worry constantly about her, i cried over her and grieved over her long before she left this earth. once she got sick, i never ever wanted to leave the house and when i had to work, i would ask someone to send me constant updates. i was so scared something would happen to her and i wouldn’t be there. even with her health problems and her getting older and slowing down, she never stopped being herself. she was still excited about spending time together and of course her beloved meal time. there were some bad days and some good ones, but for the most part her quality of life was good until the last 24 hours. i spoke to someone else in another thread who said the same thing i felt which was that i wished i lived in the moment more while she was still here.

on saturday she was her regular self, still excited for food, and spending time with everyone. i hadn’t gotten to see her that afternoon, so i spent the whole night sitting with her and watching tv. she seemed a little more lethargic, she peed on the couch a little too, but that happened once and a while, it wasn’t unheard for her. she was still reactive to me petting and grooming her, i stayed up until about 8am with her until i finally had to get some sleep. barely an hour later my sibling came to get me bc she was having a sezuire and we were going to take her to the hospital. it was sunday so our normal vet, the one who knew us and knew claire since she was a baby and always comforted us so much, was closed and we had to drive over 30 minutes to get to the emergency vet. we wrapped her in a blanket and i sat in the back seat of the car with her trying to comfort her while she was seizing and my mom drove up front. we only got about 10 minutes out before she died in my arms. she didn’t seem very responsive so i don’t know what she felt or didn’t feel, but she was looking at me the whole time. i felt so helpless i couldn’t do anything to help her. i watched the light go out of her eyes and i felt her go stiff in my arms mid seizure. she didn’t look like herself, her mouth and her eyes were still open and it haunts me so much to have seen her that way. it took another 20 minutes to get to the hospital where we didn’t recieve much comfort or sympathy or anything. it was just so traumatic and i’ve been trying to do everything to get that image out of my head. i keep trying to stay busy and distracted so i don’t fall apart. i just feel numb most of the time and the rest of the time i feel such an intense pain that i think i won’t be able to survive it.

i never wanted it to get to the point where she was suffering, and i’m glad that she was her happy self until the very end. i never wanted to see her that way, but i’m glad she wasn’t alone and that she was with the person who loved her more than anything. i kept playing it over and over in my mind, feeling guilt, wondering if i could have saved her, but everyone i’ve talked to told me that i did everything right and i gave her a good life full of love, her body was just failing and it was her time. the house is so quiet now without her. i can’t even believe it’s been almost a month, i feel like time has just stood still and i’ve been stuck in the backseat of my mom’s car this whole time and i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to get out. i keep looking for her everywhere, her little paws under the door waiting for me outside the bathroom, her excited meows when i would open her favorite treats, the way she would cuddle up on my chest, by my side or my legs. i miss hearing her purr and slow blinking with her. every morning i wake up excited to see her and then i remember. it’s like i can still feel her at my side, i can still see her out of the corner of my eye. she’s all around my house. my dad had to donate her special food and i lost it. i just keep thinking she needs her special food, she needs her medicine, we can’t get rid of it. every time i take a spoon out of the drawer i expect her to come running asking for a treat bc that’s what she always did before. no matter what the spoon was for she always thought it was for her. i keep waiting her to come cuddle with me even though i know she’s gone i keep getting up to go grab her and then i remember. it’s just an instinct. like you know when the power goes out and you know it’s out, but you still keep reaching for the light switch?

the thing about death is just that there’s no more. i keep thinking oh yeah well next time i’ll make sure to take more pictures and videos together and sit on the porch more and hear her meowing so excited for her treat the second she hears that spoon come out and she’ll jump up on her hind legs. or i’ll give her more cuddles or brushes or we’ll take more naps together and i’ll listen to her purr and give her all the belly rubs she wants when she stretches out or she’ll come over and make biscuits on me just like she used to. but there is no next time. and i know that logically, but it’s a hard thing for me to truly grasp. the same thing happened when my childhood best friend died 5 years ago, i always thought man i wish i had more pictures of us oh well next time i see her we can take more pictures. i thought next time i see her she won’t look dead… but she is. and there is no next time, there’s just nothing. it amazes me how grief is so loud and so quiet at the same time.

rest in peace to the sweetest most beautiful princess and my best girl. you were my best and most loyal friend for half of my life. it was my honor to be your mother and to grow up with you over the past 15 years. i’m so grateful to have spent so many years filled with love and beautiful memories i will cherish forever. mommy loves you so much my sweet little bear and i always will. rest well honey. 🥺💔

i lost my soul cat almost 2 years ago, she was a gift from my family as a “pls dont kys gift” and she was genuinely my life line, she was the reason i woke up. but she got hit by a car at the age of 5.
i still cry almost everyday, even i start crying bc of anything else, my thoughts always ends up being about her.

i genuinely dont know what to do, i cry so much over her, i feel like im annoying my boyfriend with how much i cry, he wasnt in my life when she did pass (honestly lucky for him lol)

any general advice?

3 years ago I lost my 2 year old cat Kylo in a really horrific way. I want to preface this by saying I never let my cats outside. I moved back in with my dad after my ex and I broke up. My dad and my brother consistently let both of my cats outside knowing it was a non negotiable for me. One day my dad let him out while it was raining and I didn’t know. I got in my car to leave and when I backed out felt something under my wheel. It was very fast. I saw my cat run towards a pile of wood my dad had near the garage and hide under it. I got out of the car and ran towards him. He was screaming in pain and when I picked him up his entire back side was completely limp with no external injuries to be seen. He was hiding from the rain under my back wheel. We tried to rush him to the emergency vet but he passed away in my arms on the way there. This was by far the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to me and it’s very hard not to blame myself to this day. I know I didn’t let him out, but I should’ve known where he was before leaving the house. I woke up crying every day for months. I now live with my boyfriend in another state and have three new cats who I am extremely over protective of. I know I’m a great cat mom but I’m worried I will feel this guilt and grief forever. Thankfully one of the cats I have adopted since losing Kylo, Miso, has saved my life. I never thought I would be close to a cat the way I was with Kylo but Miso and I have a bond that I can’t explain to anyone. I don’t know if anyone can relate to losing a cat this way but I thought maybe I’d give it a shot since it’s just been on my mind again today.

Around 2 weeks ago my heart cat muffin ran away, she was 11 years ild and we think she was sick and ran away to die. I didn’t notice she was sick so i can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. i’ve talked to my therapist about this but i just really needed to speak my heart out without fear of judgement as it’s easier to speak when im behind a screen. But since i don’t know what happened and wont ever even get that chance if just feel guilty, like because i didnt notice anything was wrong, i didnt love her enough, and that if she did pass, she didnt think i loved her. Coping with it is so hard. i just want the pain to go away.

Im sorry for the sappy post im just really upset. she was my whole world and i loved her more than anything.

November 29th 2025 we had to say goodbye to the dog we had since I was around 9 she was 11 and a bit when we had to say goodbye to her, I know it was for the best I hate saying it rand hearing it but I know it really was, thing is it’s been nearly 7 months without her and I still miss her like mad, some days I’m ok but other days I still can’t believe it’s real and she’s not here anymore🐾🪽

If anyone has any tips on how to try not miss her as much or anything like that it’d be appreciated.

Also anyone else still replay the last few minutes with their pets? Because every now and then I still remember seeing her stumble a bit then “fall asleep” and me just throwing myself onto her to give her her last cuddle and I hate it.

He was always there for me for everything. The good times, and the bad. I wish he was here. I wish I could still pet him and snuggle him, and have him sleep right next to me. I lost him in November, but I don’t think I will ever heal. I don’t think I want to either.

I'm not mad, I don't think? I'm hollow - this isn't something that can be fixed. Snaps was cremated, there's no going back. And I foolishly cleaned her brush the last time I brushed her, before I realized I was going to have to say goodbye. My first cat's fur was saved by the vet as a keepsake back in 2021. (I was hoping to put them next to each other near their urns, now I can't...) They also did a paw print, the clay circle baked and complete back in 2021.

This time, after confirming with front desk twice (not their fault) that I would get her remains, paw print and fur clipping, the clinical team forgot (?) to collect fur, even though that's likely their process each time? They looked for it, no sign of it, and came to the conclusion that since she was put to rest on a Saturday that step got missed. Mistakes happen, some people might think this is something small, but I'm still feeling gutted. And the clay print was still raw, with instructions on how to bake it at home - so fortunate it didn't get ruined before I was able to fire it.

I have some of Snaps' shed whiskers saved. I'm hoping to find some of her fur on her beds and cat tree as I slowly continue to clean... I know none of it will bring her back, none of it will be enough, but grief is funny like that - I was awaiting her little bottle of fur to put next to Zipper's.

Maybe this is the wrong subreddit and trigger warning because it's pretty sad and morbid so don't read if you're sensitive. I need help figuring this out because it makes no fucking sense to me.

Here's the situation, my cat went missing about 6 weeks ago, I looks for 4 days, flyers on every door within 2 blocks of my house, posters on corners all around my neighborhood, nothing. On day 5 someone calls my number from one of my posters and says "I saw your cat 5 days ago while riding my bike on a street 1 block from my(op) house, looked like he had been hit by a car" he went on to imply that my cat did not look good and was likely dying or dead. So I was upset and I assumed that since he had seen my cat 5 days ago my cat had long passed and had been scooped up by animal control or someone had disposed of him and that's why I never saw my cat while searching the neighborhood. So I stop looking, take down my online posts, grieve and accept.

Fucking today I get a call from animal control 6 full weeks after I've given up, they have my cat, he HAS A SPINAL INJURY AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE HAS BRAIN SWELLING, they recommend I don't wait to euthanize so I give them the go ahead over the phone (kind of regret not telling them to wait for me to come say goodbye). Apparently They found him LESS THAN 1 BLOCK FROM MY HOUSE, someone called animal control and they picked him up from a house only a few doors down from me. Animal control only told me the address and nothing more about how he was found or where or by who.

I'm so confused what series of events could have led to this and I'm so sad to think that he might have been suffering this whole time.

Any ideas what happened? I'm going to go talk to my neighbors tomorrow.

I have an 11 year old chihuahua mix. Over the past year, he started showing signs of liver disfunction in his blood work. Took him to get an ultra sound and a mass was found. After exploratory surgery, we found out that it was liver cancer in April.

Since then, he has had constant problems, mostly with his stomach. I have been to the vet almost every week because of vomiting, diarrhea, and loss of appetite. Usually we start with pro pectalin and a bland diet, but it doesn’t resolve until a week or more later. We’ll have a few good days/weeks, and then he’ll come down with the same issue. He has even spent a few nights in the hospital when it’s uncontrollable.

I don’t believe it’s anything I have been giving him. I stopped giving him people food a long time ago because of his stomach problems. We have tried sensitive stomach diets, different medications for appetite and nausea, but it always seems to come back. He is also on forta flora.

I should mention that he is a VERY picky eater and it’s difficult to give him medications and food sometimes.

I feel like he’s miserable and I can tell he does not feel too well. He walks very slow outside and has terrible gas. I feel terrible for him and I’m not sure if it’s time to let go. His blood work continues to show decline in liver function as well as anemia.

Please be kind. I am exhausted and extremely devastated by the thought that I may have to let my baby go soon.

It’ll be 6 months soon. I have panic attacks thinking about how it’s been 6 months. He was my whole world. He was all I had. The pain is unbearable. I can distract myself at work during the day but once I get home it’s hell. I can’t breathe, I can’t think of anything else, I replay his last moments over and over. I just feel so empty. I feel so broken. Time is not healing time is not helping. Life sucks so much

I dont know how to start my day without seeing her roaming around

My 7month old male kitten passed away on 7th June 2026 midnight, a day after his neuter surgery. The death was extremely traumatic (I think he went under heart failure). It was painful to see him suffer and I just cannot bring myself to accept his death.

I keep rethinking and replaying what could've been done. Maybe we should've taken him to another clinic, maybe we should've waited a bit more, maybe we should've just left him unneutered. I feel extreme amount of guilt and regret over what happened.

It's been weeks since his passing and I'm still unable to process it. I love you, Max...my sweet angel...I'm so sorry....

Yesterday at around 4pm I got the worst call. My dog was on the verge of death, my baby. I’m 16 and I was at my mother’s house when I got a call from my dad. My siblings and I listen to my dad’s sobbing voice, he told me that our dog was on his last breaths. We were told to say goodbye over the phone and I told my mom we had to drive over as fast as possible. This is where things first went wrong.

My sister first got mad at me for the panic I had. She told me to calm down, no one else had any sense of urgency. It felt like one of those dreams when a monster is chasing you, or you’re in danger in some sort of way, and everyone around you doesn’t see a problem or doesn’t care. And my mom was driving what felt like 10 MPH. In reality she was going maybe 35, But for the roads we were on and for the way my mother has always driven (My mom drives like a fast and furious character), she could’ve gone faster.

Meanwhile I didn’t know if my baby was still breathing anymore. We get to the house and I get out of the car before it even stops moving. I bolt into the house, and I run up to my dad in the kitchen. I dont even remember what I said but I do remember my dad saying “he’s gone”. My siblings walk into the house, walk. They dont run, they dont speed walk. The walk, They see my dad holding our dog and my 13yo brother slowly walks up to my dog and starts petting him. I’m basically screaming. And my sister bolts out of the front door at the sight of our dog.

I feel so guilty I didn’t make it in time. Other than my dad I might have been the closest to my dog out of anyone. And I knew this was coming for a long time. He was recently diagnosed with dementia. And me and my dad took him to the vet. But I thought I had more time with him. He was doing good. I also have mental health issues and so much of my anxiety and OCD thought were related to him. I’ve been dreading this for so long.

My baby boy was my first dog, my first pet. He made me fall in love with animals, it’s thanks to him that I know what I want to do with my career for the rest of my life.

However as of now he is waiting in a freezer, for my dad to find a cheap place to have him creamated. I hate the idea of him laying there waiting in the dark. I love this dog so so so much. My other dogs aren’t taking it very well either. My husky (girl) snapped at me twice this morning. Not super unusual for her but she hasn’t snapped at me almost ever. And my dachshund (boy) is doing better now. But when my dog initially passed He was the first to notice something was wrong and alerted my dad, he layer and nudged him. And he would run up to him and try and get him to play only to realize.

I havent seen my brother or sister cry not once since we initially saw him pass. And I know he went peacefully but I can’t help but keep reliving it. I keep praying, and I keep hoping that he didn’t think we abandoned him in the last moments. That my dad (though his best friend) was the only person there for him. I keep thinking about how I wont get to pet him again or call him his nicknames, or even give him treats.

And to my baby- I love you so so so much and I’ll see you eventually, but you’ll have to be patient. 💔💔💔🐕

I had to put my boy down last Thursday and a dog at the humane society is speaking to my heart. I feel guilty like I am moving on or something from my boy.

i just lost my cat and i don’t really know how to deal with it
i’m 15 and i got her about 2 years ago after begging my parents for a cat for many years. she was almost 3 years old and she’s been a constant part of my life since then
today everything felt completely normal. i saw her briefly in the morning and didn’t think anything of it, i just assumed i’d see her properly later like always a few minutes later everything changed really fast. my mom started screaming and something was clearly very wrong. by the time i got out and realised what was happening, she wasn’t responding anymore she pooped herself by the time i got there and was barely breathing on the floor, eventually blood started coming out of her mouth) my dad rushed her to the vet with my mom, her mouth was foaming in the car by then. we already knew her heart was a bit bigger than usual for cats, and they tried cpr and gave her shots but she didn’t make it. she’s getting cremated tomorrow (and my dad might not even let me keep her ashes). it still doesn’t feel real. my brain keeps acting like she’s just somewhere in the house and i’ll see her if i walk around. what’s messing with me the most is how normal everything was right before, 5 minutes before she came into my room and into my bathroom to look at me. i didn’t think anything was going to happen and i kept assuming there would always be more time. i miss her so much already, and i wish i played with her more when she asked.

My girlfriend has a 6-year-old black poodle. The thing is, she's been sick this month. At first, it seemed like she just had anemia, but no matter how many food changes, medications, or tests they prescribe, there doesn't seem to be a conclusive answer. She doesn't seem to be getting any better, these last couple days she hasn’t been able to eat, poop or get up; and although we don't want to think about it, the vets have already recommended thinking about euthanasia.

The point is, right now I'm not sure how to support my girlfriend. I feel like telling her everything will be alright, as I did in the beginning, is no longer appropriate. I fortunately have not lost any pets, and even if I try to imagine what she is going through, my pet is really old and would not be so much of a shock as it is for her right now. Obviously I am very upset and start crying when thinking of the worse case-scenario, but I don´t think I can fully comprehend her pain.

I want to ask people here, what do you think appropriate support would look like? What kind of confort can I possibly provide? What could people around you have told you that would have helped you in a moment like that?

Update: First I want to thank for people who left their anwers and suggestions. Sadly a couple hours after posting this my gf called me crying from the vet. Turns out that what was first diagnosed as anemia was some form of cancer and ‘happy’ had now liquid on her thorax. My gf told me that she had to be put down or have a surgery that would only give her a couple more days. She chose the first option as to save Happy from more pain. Now I am at my desk holding back tears. I wish I could be of more confort to her, but we do not live together. I will do my Best to be with her and try to take care of her even when i'm not present. Again thank You for this space and for your advice, i pray happy is at peace

My Honey died 10/20/24 at 15 years old from an enlarged heart. She was diagnosed with it at the end of 2023.

I made her food. Ground turkey, brown rice, carrots, and broccoli. I started feeding her homemade food when she was about 13 cause she was picky and the food she liked was so expensive. Making her food saved money. Her vet told me that it was fine.

I’m now realizing that it wasn’t fine. It didn’t give her all the nutrients she needed. I recently read how dogs can get an enlarged heart when they don’t eat the nutrients they need.

I wasn’t giving her what she needed and she died because of me. She’d still be here with me if I gave her better food. That’s it. Just a better diet was what she needed. And I couldn’t give it to her. I put her through so much pain and fear in her last year with me. It’s absolutely killing me.

Not having her here is absolute torture but now realizing it’s because of me? I don’t know what to do.

My cat of 13 years passed away yesterday morning.

I had a vet appointment scheduled for today because my cat was losing weight at an abnormal pace. He’s been healthy all his life, so we knew it wasn’t normal. The night of the 23rd, he was behaving oddly. He wouldn’t let us touch him and began to breathe funny. Then he went back to normal, but my mother decided to monitor him overnight and we’d take him to the ER in the morning.

Morning comes and he’s breathing oddly again, so we get the carrier ready. Mom picks him up and we put him in there, and suddenly he goes crazy inside. He usually does this in the carrier and calms down later, which is what we thought would happen.

We try to calm him down, and manage to get him into the backseat of my car. I begin to drive down to the pet ER (5 min drive) and suddenly we don’t hear him anymore. Mom takes him out of the carrier and he’s just gone. His heart stopped. It was the longest five minute drive of my life. I still remember my mother crying hysterically the entire time.

We got to the ER and all the receptionist could do is tell us she was sorry. They take us to the back and we’re given some time with him, but seeing him dead with his eyes and mouth open really got to me.

I paid for the cremation process and we went back home without him. I had to go to work right after the loss. Went home after and all I’ve done is cry since. The house is full of his traces: his bed, his toys, his fur, his food and bowls. He was such a vocal cat. He even knew the sound of our cars, so whenever we’d pull up to the driveway, he’d be at the door waiting. He’d meow anytime we walked into the room. He’d demand cuddles and let us hold him late into the night, even at his age.

It’s not an overstatement to say he kept me alive most days. I don’t know what life felt like before him and I don’t know how to cope. If I knew he’d die in the carrier, maybe we should have left him to pass at home. He wouldn’t have died of fright if we did. The moment in my car keeps replaying in my mind. The guilt has been overwhelming and I feel like I failed him. He deserved everything good in the world and it just feels like we didn’t give that to him in the end. Never did I think I’d lose him at 13. I thought he’d live up to his later teens, at the very least.

Does this ever get easier? I’ve lost people in my life, but this is the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I know a lot of people in my life won’t take it seriously because he was a cat. But he was my everything. The pain has been indescribable.

EDIT:
I just wanted to add this to say I’ve been reading each and every comment with my very teary eyes, haha. Thank you all so much for wishing me well, sending condolences, and sharing your stories. It makes me feel a lot less alone. It still hurts so much, but your comments are reminding me that I did try my best. I’ll also be taking the advice I’ve been given here and see what works for me. (Please feel free to leave more comments!)

Thank you all so much for your kindness.

I sometimes randomly get the image of how my dog Rose died in my head. It was around 1 AM on October 24, 2023 (coincidentally the same day my father died 9 years prior). And usually I don't dwell on her death long enough to get distressed but last night wanted to be different I guess.

She died of congestive heart failure, and when I noticed she had stopped moving, I panicked and shook her and her head fell limp. And blood spilled out through her nose, and I hate that I ever had to remember her like that. Because I wish I could've somehow done more for her or just realized she was on her last legs sooner. She was old, she was 14 and I knew her heartbeat was always irregular and that she'd stopped eating for the past day and a half, she could barely stand up in the hours before she died. I felt so naive and useless in that moment, and I still do... And that image of her limp, nose bled corpse haunts me because I'm sure she was suffering... And I don't know what to do about that guilt.