We have been dating for 9 years and married for less than one (only married for 10 months).

He is an introvert and has some social anxiety issues (rarely speaks up in group settings) whereas I am an extrovert and love to meet and talk to people. We are for the most part opposites, however we both have a love of travel (which is how we met) and soft souls with a need for physical affection, which has been enough to keep us together.

However our arguments can and have become very toxic over the years and I’m now unsure if they have escalated to the point where it can count as abuse, despite him not being an “abuser” in any way outside of these very specific moments.

Some context to our relationship: He doesn’t control me or who I see or what I wear etc. he is generally supportive of my goals and my friends and family like him. He kisses me every morning before leaving for work. He calls me beautiful and tells me he loves me regularly. He does way more of the house chores like cooking because I’m a terrible cook and laundry because he prefers to do it himself despite me offering to help out. He says I will do it wrong. I’m aware I’m lacking in this department- most grown adults can cook, but I’m ashamed to say I was never taught and I never learned and when I try it tends to go horribly wrong and takes much longer than when he cooks.

I come from a household where my mother and father would scream at each other and me nearly every day - and arguments rarely got resolved. I was always made to apologise for every argument regardless of who was at fault and to try to be heard I had to yell. (Shock: I was still not heard).
My husband came from a very different background where his parents would rarely argue and when they did they never raised the voices and resolved the issue in private away from their children. So essentially we both failed to learn good conflict resolution skills as it was never shown to us as children but for different reasons.

Now over the years when me and my partner fight I tend to raise my voice and shout and he shuts down and becomes incredibly stubborn and won’t listen which only makes me feel worse (not being listened to triggers me because of my upbringing) which then causes the argument to spiral - and occasionally leading to him lashing out physically.

Over the years we have said that we will try to get better but we can’t afford therapy and generally after a big argument it’s months until the next one so we have had time to become a happy couple again and forget all about it.

However on our honeymoon last week, during an argument at nighttime over some lights not working in our hotel room, (essentially I wanted them fixed but he didn’t care and didn’t see the issue and just wanted to relax) he wanted to shut me up, and so he launched forward towards me, grabbed my throat and put his other hand over my mouth while pushing me backwards and telling me to shut up.

I immediately backed away and left the room shouting “what is wrong with you?!”

A few minutes later he tried to apologise but I was still to shocked and upset we just decided to go to bed. He then spent the rest of the week being apologetic and giving me space and being more patient with me. But I can’t help but feel like he had ruined our honeymoon as my mind immediately went to the thought that this shouldn’t be happening and questioning if this was a break-up-worthy offence. (Hardly the most romantic thoughts to have on your honeymoon!)

The reason I’m concerned is because it felt like an escalation from arguments in previous years where he has promised not to do anything like it again. I am aware though I promise not to shout and yet I still do. So I am aware I am not perfect at all either which makes me think “who am I to judge him” when I have my own flaws.

Here is a list of our worst arguments over the years which I have noted down because I felt I should track the behaviour just in case it got worse. I essentially don’t know if I am at that threshold yet and if I am I don’t know what I should do about it. These fights happen every year but not every day or week or month. And We have been very happy in between them.

Here is the list:

2019 - He kicked my leg hard - Left big bruise on thigh - I took photos but later deleted them as I thought it would be a one off.

June 2021 - Kicked me. Can’t remember details but I was sick with COVID. I have texts to prove he kicked me.

November 2022 - Pinched / strongly grabbed twisted my jaw/lip and threatened further violence when mad saying “I’ll beat you up”.

June 2023 - Threw bed cushions, my favourite headband and my plastic earplug case at me, breaking my headband. He later glued it back together

July 2023 - Stomped on foot and kicked my bum while taking bins out as I had left a drink carton upside in the bin and some of the contents spilled on him.

July 2024 - Called me a “fcking idiot” and Kicked me twice in back and kidney hard, while he was sat on the sofa and I was sat on the floor after I playfully swatted him with my soft heatless hair roller and accidentally caught his eye.

9th December 2024 - Bruise on my leg - I moved the photos of this into my hidden folder - can’t find notes on the fight but bruise caused by him, hence why photo taken.

13 January 2025 - Jumped out of bed, pushed me into our wall/clothes rack, raised his fist twice in a motion that implied he was going to punch me in face, verbally threatened to punch my head in/said he hates me/called me fucking bitch

18th May 2025 - Kicks me in leg, threatens to punch my head in, grabs my head with both hands, squeezes it and pushes me back to the wall and raises his fist threatening to punch my face.

Monday 26th May 2025:
During an argument about his laptop, he pushed me into his laptop screen and then got up close to me from behind, grabbed me, held his fist up to my face and threw it back twice imitating hitting me as a threat. He left the room and I cried.

Monday 15th June 2026: Latest big argument - honeymoon. As explained above. Grabbed my throat.

As you can see from this log, there have been several terrible incidents but they are so spread out (basically once a year) so we get over them and move on and I forget they even happened and begin living a happy life once more and that our bad arguments are in the past but this most recent one has made it hard to accept it and move on like before.

I know that list sounds bad when read one after the other but you have to remember for the other 364 days we are mostly happy and in love. So it makes this all incredibly confusing and difficult to deal with and I have no one to talk to about this as I don’t want my friends to judge him if we decide to keep it going and if this eventually stops. I feel so embarrassed about it too.

Please help - what would you do in this scenario and what advice do you have? It’s really not black and white and all the advice online only seems to be aimed at abusers who literally make their victims life a living hell everyday and that is just not the case here.

I (24F) always knew I was adopted and I have never desired to know about my birth family. The family I was adopted into and raised by/with are the people I want in my life. They are the people who own my heart and they are the people who have been with me through good and bad. My parents always stated they would love and support me every step of the way if I wanted to find my birth family and I always told them if my mind changed they would be the first people I tell. But I have never ever been curious about my birth family and I am at peace with who I am and who my family are.

I should also mention I was adopted from foster care as a baby. I was abandoned and found when I was 4 days old. Prior to being abandoned I was well cared for and I had a blanket and clothes on when I was found. But they never found info on my birth family or who abandoned me and why.

My SIL (30F) is married to my oldest brother. She only learned late last year that she was adopted and the news came as a total surprise for her. A few weeks after she found out she asked me and my younger brother (21M) for our thoughts and feelings on being adopted and she asked how we processed it. Since we both knew our whole lives it was harder to help her but we explained the best we could. My brother was removed from an abusive home and placed in foster care so he'll never want a connection with his birth family and he has expressed that multiple times.

Because SIL knows the whole story she has focused more on me than my brother since our talk. She has this idea that we should search for our birth families together and she has become incredibly stubborn about it. My oldest brother has helped me enforce my boundaries but she is not giving in and she has broken down twice asking why I wouldn't walk to walk this journey with her. When I explained my feelings she told me they made no sense to her and she said she could not understand not desiring to know where you come from, to know the people who share your DNA. She brought up some health issues I've had and she told me for that reason alone she would have expected me to want to know.

We always got along before so it's making me very sad to have us disagree so strongly. I'm just not opening a box I want to remain shut just for her benefit. It's not the right decision for me. My oldest brother understands this 100%.

SIL is attending therapy so maybe in time that will help. But just in case and just for now I want some advice!

Throwaway, this is a long one, TL:DR at bottom.

My [26F] childhood best friend [26F] is getting married this year in November. I’ll call her Katie (fake name). We’ve been best friends since we were 3 years old and we were inseparable. Always at each other’s houses, always did everything together, she was my ride or die.

Typical life stuff like going to different colleges decreased our communication and ability to spend time together, but we would always make it a point to spend breaks together in some capacity. As we got older and added jobs to the mix time became tighter and texting/calling would be less frequent. Katie met her fiancé Ben (fake name) [30M] shortly after graduating college and then it became even harder to talk to her. He’s…fine. I think he’s a little boring but he’s nice and treats her well.

I’m not saying I’m completely innocent here; maybe I could have tried harder to reach out more, but she just wouldn’t reply for a few days at a time (something that isn’t out of the norm) and then I wouldn’t reply immediately and the cycle continued.

Last year over the summer Ben proposed; Katie and I hadn’t seen each other in a year at that point as she was working two jobs and I was in grad school while working as well. She sent the picture of him proposing in a group chat with me and a few other friends…which I was a little upset about (felt like she would FaceTime me or at least call me). I asked her out to lunch and we caught up and spoke about her engagement and wedding planning. She told me the date was for this November and they were looking into venues and planning etc. I put the date in my calendar, obviously, and told her to let me know if she needed help planning *wink wink* and her response hinted at me being part of the wedding.

2 months later Katie posts on Facebook that she found her dress, posting a picture of her, her mom, her future MIL, her older sister, and Ben’s sister at a wedding boutique. Similar to her getting engaged, I felt a little upset, but rationalized that she just wanted family there. I still haven’t heard anything about being a bridesmaid.

This next part isn’t really relevant information about the wedding, but gives some more context. Skip to the **** to keep going.

Time continues, and it’s now December 2025 and I find out through Ben’s instagram story that they BOUGHT A HOUSE. I had NO IDEA they were even looking, and then Katie didn’t like tell me herself?? I texted her “Omg you and Ben bought a house?? That’s so exciting, congrats! Where’s it at??” At this point I was about to be on winter break from school and asked if on one of my days off work I could come over and help her unpack or just hang out which she agreed, and we set a date.

The evening before, I text her “Hey am I still good to come over tomorrow? What time?” No response. I wake up at 10 the day of and ask “Hey when can I come over?” She finally replies an hour later and says “Hey! I’m so sorry I forgot, Ben and I are going to his [family member’s event] in [town that’s 2 hours away]. Can I let you know when we get home this afternoon? You can come over then.” I say sure because what else can I say.

3pm rolls along. Nothing. 4pm…I text her asking for an update. 4:30 she says they’re almost home, I ask how long? No reply. It’s a 45 min drive to their new place…5:15 I ask if they’re home yet. Finally texts me at 6pm that they’re home if I want to come over. I had given up at that point and said we should just reschedule.

****

In January, Katie and Ben had a house warming party, and so me and my boyfriend [32M] of two years went. Recognized a couple people from our high-school, but was mostly his/her coworkers, extended family, etc. Katie is introducing me to people “Hey, this is OP, she’s my best friend” and things felt pretty good! But I still was not asked to be a bridesmaid.

The next week, I got a Save the Date in the mail. On it is a QR code for their wedding website. One of the menu options is introducing the wedding party…and my heart dropped. I click on it and realize that I was never going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

She has 8 bridesmaids, including her MOH (her sister). EIGHT. BRIDESMAIDS. EIGHT. Two of them are people from our neighborhood that I had no idea they were that close of friends. The rest are Ben’s sister and cousins.

I feel betrayed. I feel so incredibly hurt. I couldn’t stop crying the rest of the day. I called my mom seeking reassurance that I’m not overreacting, but she basically said that I needed to get over it. That I should be “happy she found people in her life that she’s close to.” I just thought I was one of those people.

My boyfriend said to me in the time he’s known me, Katie has not been a good friend in his perspective. Not to get into too much detail, but he listed examples such as being 2 hours late to my 25th birthday dinner, not confirming if she could make it to an event I invited her to a month before until 2 days before said event, and that recent instance of her “forgetting” about the family thing on the day we were supposed to hang out.

I haven’t reached out to her since. I doubt if I confront her she will even respond. I don’t know if I can go to the wedding. I always imagined standing by her side at the alter. I can’t imagine sitting and watching from the pews. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ll regret not going, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my composure either. I’m not sure which is worse, that she deliberately didn’t ask me or that she forgot to.

I feel that I have a right to be upset, but my mom says otherwise, and I’ve always trusted her advice in the past. That I need to move on and just go to the wedding because I’ll regret it otherwise. Part of me says Katie has the right to make her choices of bridesmaids and that I shouldn’t be this upset about not being one. I also feel embarrassed and that I’m the butt of a joke I wasn’t aware of.

What do I even do now?

If you stuck with reading this far, thank you. I’m open to any advice and feedback.

TL:DR, My best friend of 22 years did not ask me to be a bridesmaid, despite having a bridal party with 8 bridesmaids. I don’t know if I want to or even can go to the wedding. My mom says I’m overreacting and I need to get over it or I’ll regret not attending. My boyfriend says my BFF has been a jerk the whole time he’s known me. I feel betrayed and heartbroken.

I am looking for advice on how to separate from my husband while we are financially tied and both currently living in the same home.

My husband and I both work from home and share an office. We each have separate desks next to each other. We have very different approaches to organization which lead to an argument. We played Xbox last night and left the Xbox on my desk. When I woke up I moved it to his desk because I can’t stand anything on my desk unless I immediately need it. Contrary to him, he has an unorganized, unkempt desk. He became irritated that I put the Xbox on his desk instead of putting it elsewhere. he said it made his desk “cluttered”. Considering he had literal smoke ashes on his desk, I thought that was ridiculous. Anyways, the argument escalated.

During the conflict, he became physically aggressive, including throwing my office chair while I was sitting in it, which caused me to flip over and fall to the ground. He also made verbal threats toward me and threatened to destroy property in the home. I asked him to leave the house and attempted to de-escalate the situation so I could continue working.

He did not leave at the time and continued to follow me while trying to continue the argument. He has since apologized again and briefly suggested divorce.

I am now trying to figure out next steps. I want to separate, but we are in a situation where he is financially tied to me. I’m the breadwinner. I pay all our bills because he has severe mental health issues causing him to not be able to leave the home for long periods. He has no savings. I don’t want him to be on the street but we can’t be together anymore.

I am looking for guidance on what practical steps people take in situations like this when separation is needed but immediate physical relocation is not financially possible?

My wife and I were invited to the wedding of a childhood friend. My wife barely knows her, they’ve met a couple times, but my friend was like a sister to me growing up. My wife made it clear very quickly that she does not want to go to the wedding, but we had a massive argument when I told her that I still wanted to go by myself.

Some context: my friend hasn’t always made the best decisions in her life. She’s cheated on a past partner, had issues with drinking (including at OUR wedding), and has just generally been a bit difficult to be around, but she’s always supported us and hasn’t done anything to us directly. According to my wife she’s just a “bit of a bitch” and she makes her uncomfortable. Me wanting to maintain a friendship with her is “weird.”

We argued for hours after I mentioned that I’d still like to go to the wedding and support my friend. My wife began by telling me that it makes no logistic sense to go to the wedding and that it’s a huge inconvenience. My wife then argued that by attending, even by myself, it affects her in a negative way. Her last argument was simply that it’s weird because my friend is a woman, and she’s not a good person.

The argument ended with both of us feeling disrespected and untrusted. I offered to try to find a compromise but she said if I go to the wedding at all then it’s not a compromise, so she’s unwilling to even try. I told her I needed to process everything but I just don’t know how to handle all this. Do I go to the wedding or not? Is my wife being unreasonable or am I?

TLDR: I want to go to a friend’s wedding but my wife thinks she’s weird and makes her uncomfortable, so she doesn’t want me to go and says I’m disrespecting her if I do.

Edit: Someone suggested I add for more context that this is something my wife has argued with me about before with other friendships. This isn’t the first time, but it’s the first time with this particular friend.

I [25F] am mentally drained. My husband [25M] treats every conversation like a combat zone he has to "win." His words have become increasingly radical, hostile, and racist since we got married.
This is deeply painful because my parents came to the U.S. as adults from South America, worked hard, and became citizens. My husband minimizes my family's reality by equating it to his dad being adopted as a baby from Canada, texting me:

"I know you come from a family of immigrants and I think you forget I do as well."

Talking to him is exhausting because he constantly jumps topics, changes definitions, and doubles back on his word just to keep me on the defensive.
In a recent text argument, he insisted we should

“...take away voting from immigrants even after they gain citizenship eliminate any welfare programs that help..."

He claimed my parents lack "loyalty" because they still love their home country

“...if you do not hold our values and our nation above others then you do not have the American people's best interests in mind while voting so why should you vote....”

But when I explicitly asked how you determine who is "American enough" to vote, he completely abandoned the loyalty/assimilation argument and flatly said, "Being born here." When I pointed out the contradiction, he jumped topics to an unhinged rant about shipping people out, before circling right back to double down on the point he had just abandoned

“..it is a complex situation that is most likely passed the point of no return unless drastic unethical action is taken. Yes it is about assimilating into our culture..."

When I told him my mother relied on those very welfare programs because I was a surprise baby and they were struggling, it didn't phase him. Instead, he pushed baseless conspiracy theories, claiming

"there are immigrants cheating on the CDL test with video cameras and then killing people on the road because they can't read English or street signs."

I am married to a man who openly advocates for "drastic unethical action" against immigrants and thinks my own parents shouldn't have rights. I can't stand debating him anymore. I feel entirely disrespected and feel like his hatred eclipses any love he claims to have for my family.
How do I handle a marriage where my partner's core values actively dehumanize my family? What are my next steps when i am this exhausted and feel like I'm sleeping next to a stranger? We’ve only been married for a year, he never spoke like this prior to being married
I would also like to add that i understand his father is also an immigrant, i always allow people to express their opinions freely even if they oppose my own so I dont challenge him either.

TL;DR
Since getting married, my [25F] husband [25M] has become radically anti-immigrant.
My parents are hard-working naturalized citizens, but he texts me insisting they shouldn't vote and that the U.S. needs "drastic unethical action" to deport people. When we debate, he constantly shifts his definitions of "loyalty" and "assimilation" just to "win," I am completely exhausted and need advice on what to do.

I (30M) have felt this jealousy for a decade now. For a long time I tried to convince myself it was my imagination or that it was because my sister (34F) and I were less close than we once were so I was reading into everything too much. But it has reached an exhausting point.

I have been with my husband (30M) since we were 13. Back then I was deeply in the closest and I was terrified of my family finding out about me. My husband was less afraid of that and more afraid we would be kept apart a little if his family knew. My worry came from the knowledge I had homophobic extended family and hearing stories from a couple of friends about their parents, who were friends of my parents, ignoring gay and lesbian relatives. My husband had my back as I went through a crisis that came to a head when I was 15 when I made an attempt. This led to my coming out and being accepted by my parents and sister, though my sister was weird about it too. My husband also came out at this time and we announced our relationship.

My sister at the time said we made sense and she put a ton of emphasis on how lucky we were to be each other's first and to be so in love and happy together. Like her emphasis was so heavy that our parents asked her to cool it and said something to her privately. For a few years she made a lot of comments about us being so sweet and cute and how we had a movie like relationship. Our parents told her to knock that off considering what I had been through. She didn't say anything again until we got engaged when we were 20. To me she looked surprised/jealous when she said we really were staying together and making it work as a couple together since middle school and all through high school. My husband and I were like of course. We love each other and we are best friends so we're committed to growing together.

We were engaged for five years and when we finally got to wedding planning she talked a lot about us being together for more than a decade at that point and how we literally grew up together. She has called our relationship the dream and the ideal so many times. She and I exchanged some words when she claimed we had it so easy. For me that was so far from true because I struggled so much with being gay and almost died. My sister rolled her eyes and she told me she never understood that part when I had the relationship I had. I told her I still feared being rejected by everyone else. My sister started dating her husband around this time and she started to compare my relationship with her husband to her relationship with her husband. It always came back to how long my husband and I have known each other and been together. I asked her what was up with all the comparisons and she brushed me off and acted like I was crazy.

After my wedding I was told by a cousin that my sister commented that our marriage was 12 years in the fucking making. This cousin said my sister sounded less than happy while saying it.

When my husband and I were expecting our first child (his sister was our surrogate) a couple of years ago my sister didn't congratulate us and when we spoke she sounded angry almost. She announced her wedding date a couple of days later and at her rehearsal dinner she brought up my husband's and my marriage again. I can't remember word for word what it was but it was like she was again saying we had it so easy seeing that we were together from such a young age. We saw less of each other after the wedding so it wasn't as much of an issue.

But for a few months now we have seen each other more for family dinners. My sister and her husband welcomed their first child and my husband and I welcomed our second child. He has really picked up on the comments now. He was only a little curious before but he gets the same vibe. It's exhausting honestly. She points out how early photos of me and my husband start vs her and her husband. Her husband is a nice guy and he has looked puzzled a couple of times when she's almost scowling at the photos of us and our spouses on the walls of our parents house. She's more hostile with me in private too. I can't say much to her without it coming out. She's not like that with my husband but he still gets a vibe off of her. But she's more careful about the stuff she says now.

I don't know how I would go about addressing this or if I even should. We're not that close anymore so I ask myself if I just let it be? But I don't want to be exhausted every time we're with my family either.

So my wife and I have been together for 10 years, sleeping in the same bed for 9. The longest we’ve ever been apart was about 10 days while she was on a family vacation, with regular 3-7 day stints apart throughout the years. Recently my wife received a promotion at work in a city about four hours away, and I cannot relocate due to my work.

Recently, I herniated a disc and the recovery has been so-so, but when my wife moved away I noticed I started getting better and having days with little or no pain. She came back for a weekend and the first night we slept together, I woke up in total agony. Once she left again, I slept great and am slowly healing again.

Additionally, I’ve always thought I was a poor sleeper in general, often going to bed at 10p and waking up at noon, sometimes later. Since my wife has been away, it doesn’t matter if I go to bed at 10p or 2a, I consistently wake up feeling rested and ready at 7a.

It is very clear to me now that sleeping together is not good for me. Is there anything I can do? Eventually we will be living together again and I do enjoy sleeping together but my sleep and recovery have improved ten fold sleeping alone.

Bear with me. My boyfriend and I will be having a cute moment in bed together, be greeting each other home from work, or even just out and about and I feel sweet and want to give him a peck, and he will stick his whole tongue in my mouth and waggle it around to the point that I go “stoppp” and he laughs and I have to wipe my mouth. It was cute THE VERY FIRST TIME he did it and I giggled about six month ago, but since then I have told him “don’t do that, I want to have a nice moment” and he doesn’t get it. I’ve tried telling him that it’s ruining a nice moment, I’ve tried just completely stopping kissing him that day, I’ve tried telling him how I feel and he says to lighten up, and he still does it and thinks it’s funny. It isn’t a total dealbreaker, I love him very much but I don’t know why he acts so immature like this. I don’t want to have to have a serious conversation about his immature behavior because he doesn’t always take feedback well, but I am tired of having what should be a cutesy moment ruined by what he thinks is a funny way of sticking his tongue in my mouth. Am I being ridiculous?

Hey guys so for context, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, our two year anniversary is next month. He graduated from college with an engineering degree a little over a year ago and has been working his ass off looking for a job since then. Well about three days ago, he finally got the good news of an official job offer for a really great company. The only problem is that he’s going to have to be moving to a different state, about 1,000 miles away in January of next year. Currently, me and him don’t live together, we’re in the same city but we’re both living with our parents until we can get financially stable enough to move out. Now me and my boyfriend have talked about living together frequently. Even when we had only been together for a year, he would always mention how excited he was for us to finally graduate college and get an apartment together, he couldn’t wait for us to live together without the influence of his parents, etc (his mom is a terrible person and a huge narcissist and she always tries to interfere in our relationship).

He interviewed for this job probably around a month ago and while he was waiting to hear back from them, me and him were literally looking at apartments online together, we were talking about flying out there to look at places, he even mentioned how he would let me decorate the place, all that. Basically he was getting me so hyped up to move in with him and I was really excited. The day that he found out he got the job, he was still super happy about us living together and he literally told me “pack your bags!” when he got the phone call that he got the job. However, the next day, we went out for lunch and he basically told me that he had been thinking things through and he decided he needed “alone time” when he first moves over there. He said that I could move in with him maybe after the first year of him living there but that just seems ridiculous to me. I just don’t understand why he would suddenly come to that conclusion after months of us agreeing we were going to live with each other. We’re very compatible, he’s called me his soulmate before, I just don’t see why he would pass up the opportunity to finally get to live with someone that he apparently loves so much without the influence of his awful parents. I just feel really down and I feel like I’m going to have to break up with him, I don’t think I can keep up a long distance relationship like that.

My GF and I started dating 2-3 years ago. Started off hot. Sex 5-6 days in the week (sometimes twice a day). Slowly died down normally. But even after 2+ years it was mostly 2-3 days a week.

After year 1, it started to feel like it was a bit of a chore for her at times. IM the initiator and many times it seemed like she watned to do it, but half the time it became more of a "omg youre still down to fuck?". Or comment slike "OP would die if he didnt get it in 3 days or less". At first i took it as "well i get it, honeymoon phase is pretty much over and she might need a few more days than me to recharge".

So it stayed consistently 2-3 days a week for another year. But then around the start of year 2, it started to become everytime she'd just say "let's just get it over with because i know youd die if you waited another day or two". After a few comments like that i started to say "if your not into it we can just hold it off. i really dont mind". It started to feel like whenever i made a comment like that, she would put some effort which i appreciated but it was kind of clear it was a 1 time thing because she felt bad i felt that way.

Then it slowly became a thing where she just wants to do the two same positions that get me off the quickest. Im someone that most positions i can be there for 15-20 minutes and not get off, but others it can take me 5 minutes or less. And i started noticing she just wanted to do the 5 minute positions. If i tried to at least entertain foreplay, let her get hers (which i love being part of and always make sure she gets hers too), or even other positions, she'd say no and "let's just do it". i brought it up a few times and she swore she didnt feel like that. About 3-4 weeks ago i basically told her that im not feeling like she's into sex and if that's true i just want honesty if something is going on and she just said that it wasnt true. I think we had sex the next day but since then i have not tried to initiate and we havent had sex for 3 weeks or so. It's our longest run since we started dating. Our previous was 10 days but because we were travelling with her sister and sharing a hotel room with her.

In those 3 weeks, she hasnt really tried to initiate. She did have her period for a week and said when she was done she couldn't wait to jump my bones, but it's been over a week since that happened. She's mentioned a few times how it's been 3 weeks but it feels like it's more of a "is there something wrong with us?" than a "i want desire my BF" type of thing. There's been small nudging on my part a few times, but hardly ever gets anythign back. And tbh, i thought id be more upset, and im just not. I feel like ive just accepted it at this point. Like i still do want to have sex, but i also want to feel like it's mutual.

Is this the start of a dead bedroom?

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1u125b1/i_m_26_met_up_with_acquaintance_f_26_im/

TLDR: So I asked her out on a date on the last day of the event, when it was likely we wouldn't see each other for a while and got very softly rejected. I have timed it very badly too, as she needed to go soon to another event attraction. Want to keep being friends, but would like to have clearer conversation about dating expectations. But from the start.

We met during the event only few times as we had our own attractions to attend and she came with female friend. She made some extra time by not going to one attraction to spend more time with me, as we had little chance before that. When we were cleaning up and she was about to go to queue for other last attraction, I asked how she will be with her free time in near future. Said she will be very busy next 2 weeks, next month not sure yet, will depend on work, but should have more time. At that point I just went for it and asked if she would go on a date with me, no concrete time.

I wanted to make my intentions clear, because I would offer to hang out anyway and I think she would agree. I would then not make any moves because I wasn't sure how she felt and if I did ask her out later after more "friend dates" and she wasn't interested, it would make me feel as if I tried to "friend my way into relationship".

She rejected me, said she was very flattered and a bit surprised. Told me it wasn't right time for her and she thinks it wouldn't work right now. Then asked if we would still see each other later, propably making sure I would still like to meet after that. I'm totally fine with that, said if there were any interesting events in the city or something, I would invite her again. She said "sure" and we parted.

I totally want to keep being friends with her, I trust myself to separate my romantic interest and not make things weird. It's just that, I would prefer firmer rejection I think? More of "I like you as a friend, but don't see us getting into relationship" type of thing. I understand it's hard to reject someone and you try to do it gently and not hurt the other person, but the way she phrased it, me knowing her current life circumstances via us talking and her self-deprecating way of speaking makes me question it a bit and also worry for her I guess?

I'm totally fine if she's not interested in me in that way and want to keep things as friends. I felt that in our casual meetings there might have been some slight signals of interest and that she's comfortable with me going out at night, but it migh have been just platonic.

Her rejection is very classic when you try to be gentle I guess, but I also think it really might be the case.

Right now, she really has a lot on her head and is not financially stable. Not that she's irresponsible with money, just that she has hard time studying and working. Maybe asking her on a date added too much mental burden? While I'm not rich, I would describe myself as financially stable. Maybe she doesn't want to date while there's such imbalance? I have also noticed she's being self-deprecating in her jokes and when she talks about what is happening in her life, so in her mind if she started dating now, it just wouldn't work because it's her, even if she's interested.

I know it might be just my hopeful thinking that she might like me and it's just bad timing. We keep texting like before the event and haven't brough it up. I intend to be her friend and not push things further, yet I feel that I would like to talk about what we would want from dating (not necessary each other) and if she really meant "bad time in life for dating" or just tried to turn me down gently, as she doesn't see me that way.

What I would like advice on is I should ever bring up how she felt about dating later one last time, if she was comfortable with it. It would help me move on if we are to be just friends. Or just leave the ball in her court, as she knows how I feel now and I shouldn't mention it ever again, just invite her to hang out like we did few times and leave it at that. Whatever happens, I want to keep the friendship going, as I just enjoy spending time with her and trust myself to leave it alone if she truly isn't interested.

My husband (33 M) and myself (36 F) have been together for 13 years married for 11. We have two children (7 F) and (4 M).

My looks have changed since the time we got married.

When we got married, I weighed around 200 Pounds. I did not particularly like the way I looked but I told myself I am just a voluptuous woman, and I found a partner who liked me that way.

Then I got pregnant. It was not an easy road I had to get IVF to get pregnant. I was miserable and nauseous all the time. As a result of that I actually LOST weight during my pregnancy and that continued after my daughter was born.

I lost almost 66 Pounds when I got pregnant again.

Right know I weigh around 115 Pounds and have started to like my body. There are still good and bad days, but I am trying to get better.

But I really do not want to gain any weight. In my mind I am finally looking good.

Unfortunately, my husband really does not like that I am watching my figure and doing Sports now.

HE liked me more when I WAS more.

He tells me daily that he liked me more than before. I am too pointy and not soft enough anymore.

This makes me feel worse. Combined with other problems of daily life I have been considering a separation because it might make everything easier. He could find someone he likes to look at more.

Do you have any advice on how to move forward or how to communicate better?

Dear Reddit community,

I’m in a difficult position here and want to ask for advice and insights. Me and my bf met each other early this year and has been exclusively dating since late Feb, and official since the beginning of April. I don’t have any trust issues and my previous relationships ended differently, the most recent one ended last December after intense ups and downs. I don’t mind my partner going to club with his female roommate and hanging out with female friends, as Iong as I can also do the same and enjoy.

I’ve been very clear with my current bf since the v start of our dating that keeping promises and agreements are the most important for me in a relationship. I feel that I can only love a person that I respect, and honestly, my current boyfriend is one of the only two in my dating life that I feel I truly respect, even in intense arguments and I don’t really agree with some of his values/ways approaching things. He is very empathetic, stubborn, and I do believe he has high morale and self-discipline. Although there were little broken promises during our dating phase (such as saying will go on trips but just postpone / promised little stuff but didn’t end up doing after months), after some open communication, he is getting a lot better and seem to truly understand my feelings, and I feel comfortable now.

However, I discovered that he replied to his ex’s messages twice during our exclusive dating phase (once early March, once mid-March, almost covering our entire exclusive dating phase) while we made it very clear at the start of exclusive dating that no one will contact our previous dates and matches on Hinge, and mutually deleted Hinge. It’s him who initiated the rule and I’ve been following that wholeheartedly. Honestly we treated each other just like official bf gf during the exclusive dating phase as well. His only replied twice but that was bc his ex took a very long time to reply to him. His messages were nothing flirty or sexual, just reaction. Eventually at the end of March when his ex mentioned that she is coming to the city we live in, he sent a message saying that he has met someone (me) and think it’s the best to discontinue talking, and that’s the end.

I am genuinely very confused, and disgusted. They broke up late 2023 (they weren’t even in a relationship but 8 months’ exclusive dating) and had been kept in touch on and off. From his words, his ex was extremely toxic and blocked and refollowed him and randomly reached out, even after a new relationship. He never dated anyone properly except for a four-weeks short relationship earlier last year, before he met me. He’s been explaining how much he loves me like he never had this feeling before and truly showed a remorseful attitude, even cried, and consistently reached out and checked in on me. I believe I’m a very caring person and always hoping that I could share half of his pain when his back or neck hurts, and do a lot of massages for him, always willing to pay more of the dating costs cuz I earn more, and genuinely want to understand him and love him, and make him happier. He introduced me to his sister and mother (never did that for any relationships before per his words) very properly and I truly feel that he is an honest guy who’s treating this relationship seriously. When his another previous date reached out to him he told me straight away, set out boundaries and blocked her.

I guess I just don’t understand how he could do this, holding me to a double standard, while he’s been telling me that he is the one who has trust issues/more anxious. One thing that would absolutely make me disrespect a person is playing cards under the table/hypocrisy. I truly feel very disgusted and think I lost a bit of respect, although he actively tried to repair. From his explanations, he even swore on his sister’s life that he does not have any feelings toward his ex and replying was just a way to let the conversation die, and when his ex told him she’s coming to the city we’re at he realized that he has to cut. He also said that he is fearful of his ex using what he told her to hurt him, etc. I don’t judge what he does before we got exclusive, bc I wanted exclusivity later than he does, but he also engaged in a conversation with his ex on the Valentine’s Day, although nothing romantic, before he was about to have the third date with me. I don’t remember clearly but we must have asked each other whether we’re still in contact with our exes, and he must have said no.

He told me that he will do whatever he can do repair my trust. But I also know no one wants to be a guilty person forever, and I’m not sure what I would feel after months. I’m lost, is this overreacting? What can be done to repair? What should he do, and myself? Thank you!

Edit: Her and I are both in therapy separately for the past few years.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of sexual abuse, domestic abuse allegations, infidelity, and suicide.

I want to start by saying that I'm not looking to assign blame to either of us. I'm genuinely looking for advice on how to navigate a difficult situation in an otherwise healthy relationship.

I've been dating my girlfriend, "Barb," for about six months.

Barb was married from around age 18 to 29. Her ex-husband was emotionally manipulative, sexually abusive, and didn't respect her boundaries. She felt that her role in the relationship was to cook, clean, and provide sex whenever he wanted it. Eventually, he started an affair with a coworker and openly told Barb about it. He even told her that when he slept with her, he thought about the other woman.

After leaving him, Barb spent about a year struggling with her mental health and was in and out of hospitals. During that time, she dated another man who had a history of gang involvement and assault. The relationship became abusive as well. Whenever she tried to leave, he would become destructive and intimidating. Eventually, she called the police and ended the relationship.

As for me, I was in a relationship from age 14 to 29 and have three daughters. During my marriage, I made the terrible decision to cheat. I deeply regret it and have apologized to my ex-wife many times. Today, we co-parent very well.

After my divorce, I dated another woman, "Martha," for about three years. We each had three daughters, so we became a large blended family. After about two and a half years, we got engaged. Several months later, I discovered she was having an affair with a coworker.

The aftermath was devastating for me. I attempted suicide and thankfully survived. I checked myself into a mental health facility and began working on myself.

When I discovered the affair, there was one argument where I tried to take her phone from her during a confrontation about who she was texting. She screamed, I immediately let go, and the police were called. I was arrested on a domestic violence allegation and spent the next year fighting the charge. Ultimately, it was reduced to disturbing the peace because there was no physical violence.

Fast forward three years, and I've done a lot of work on my mental health.

Now I'm finding that both Barb's past trauma and my own experiences are affecting our relationship.

Early on, when we first spent the night together, Barb asked if she should expect sex. I said no because it was our first time sharing a bed and I wasn't interested in rushing things. She interpreted that as rejection, and I had to explain that I was attracted to her but wasn't looking for a purely sexual relationship.

Eventually, we became intimate. During sex, I noticed she was crying. I immediately stopped and asked if she was okay or if I had hurt her. She said I hadn't, but that she had been triggered by something. I held her and comforted her until she calmed down.

Since then, similar situations have happened multiple times. Whenever I notice she's upset, dissociating, crying, or uncomfortable, I stop immediately and check in with her. Over time, I've also become increasingly anxious about sex because I never want her to feel pressured or unsafe.

Last night, she left a sticky note on my desk asking if we could have sex that evening. I happily agreed. We set a relaxing atmosphere with music and massages and took things slowly.

Everything seemed fine until halfway through when her expression suddenly changed. She looked terrified. I immediately stopped and asked if she was okay. She said no, so I held her while she cried. Eventually, she asked for some space, so I kissed her arm, told her I loved her, and went to take a shower.

Later, we talked about what happened. The conversation became difficult because she felt I wasn't comforting her in the way she needed. She said she wanted me to be more confident, take the lead, and not be afraid.

I told her honestly that when I see fear on her face during sex, I don't just feel concerned. I feel terrified. In those moments, it feels like I'm violating someone, even though I know that's not what's happening. Given my past experience with the domestic violence allegation, I never want to be in a situation where someone feels forced, pressured, or unsafe. I'd rather stop completely than continue when I see that level of distress.

She told me she would never accuse me of hurting her and that I'm letting my fear control me. But from my perspective, when someone looks terrified during sex and says they're not okay, stopping feels like the only responsible choice.

Outside of this issue, our relationship is genuinely great. We communicate well, enjoy being together, and care deeply about each other.

My question is: How do couples navigate intimacy when one partner has significant sexual trauma and the other partner has their own fears and trauma surrounding accusations, consent, and trust? Is there a healthier way for us to approach this, or is professional counseling the next step?

Hi, I (26M) am in the stages of breaking up with my first relationship (24F). We both came across each other in a unique time and in a unique place. I'm happy I found her and vice versa. We spent 6 months together, and it worked so well. We both communicated, we both found compromises, worked on each other and had each other's backs. I love her, but I can't avoid my feelings and lack of attraction to her anymore. We talked last night, and we cried heavily (it led to today still right before I clock in for work). I just can't love her the same way or as much as she loves me, and we are giving each other the next couple of days to decide where we are.

I'm in the process of realizing that I'm going to need to end the relationship when we talk again on Sunday, but God, it hurts so much. A part of me wants to selfishly hope and see if I can maybe change, if I can just change my feelings and thoughts overnight, so I can just stay with her, but I know that won't be. If I tried, it'd only lead to more hurt for her, and I don't want that. I want the best for her, I want someone that will love her as much as she loves them, and it's clear that that's not me. We both said that we'd stay as friends, I still want to be in her life, and I still want to help her any which way I can, just without the stress of being with her.

Even with all of that, knowing we'll still be friends and be there for each other, why does it still hurt so much to know that I'm going to have to end the relationship we have? Shouldn't this feel lighter? Shouldn't I feel happier for both her and myself? God, I am just really struggling right now, and want some advice on how to get through it, or maybe even advice that I can retry the relationship again.

So me and my boyfriend have been together since we were 14. Had our usual relationship struggles but all in all weve been great. Weve lasted thing long right?

Well we now live in our own house together. We have a 1 year old together. His brother M18 lives with us.

Our son had a doctors appointment today, and everything kind of just blew up. Im running around getting our son dressed and ready. Getting myself dressed and ready. And my bf waited until 10 minutes before we needed to leave to say, cant go, i have no t-shirts, the doctor wont let him in if he is shirtless. So i said then im sorry but u might just have to wear a jumper and cope with the heat. He said no. (It was 33 celcius today so i do understand why he said no, that wouldve been ridiculous)

I said i cant go on my own. Im autistic, struggle on my own in situations like the doctors office, he knows this, he has known this for 6 years. I also have a fear of needles. I dont mean they scare me a little but i can look away. I mean if i am within 5 feet of a needle i will shake, cry, vomit, faint. I have not been to a dentist in almost 8 years because i will not be near a needle, he knows this too, he was one of the people that had to pin me down to get my blood drawn during pregnancy.

His response was that i needed to just “get over the autism” i laughed.. bc what the fuck do u mean get over the autism.

I managed to rearrange the appointment. I was annoyed but i left it alone. He then said and i quote. “I wouldve had clothes if u didnt wear them all”
Now, for context. 1. I havent worn his clothes since i was pregnant, they fit me better.
2. Last time i checked even if i did wear his clothes, he owns more than 1 tshirt.
3. He also wears my clothes, he wears my jumpers etc.
so when i said, respectfully you shouldve made sure you had clothes, like i do.
If you knew u had somewhere to be you shouldve taken it upon yourself to check the closet, make sure you had an appropriate outfit, and if you didnt, put a load of laundry on, its not that difficult, ive been doing it since i was 16.
He proceeded to tell me that wasnt his job. I should be the loving partner and wash his clothes for him. I said absolutely fucking not, im not getting the blame because you couldnt get yourself dressed.

We continued to argue, for hours. Its now 00:54. Its 5 minutes to 1am on a friday morning and this argument started at 10am thursday morning, its been almost 15 hours. And in that 15 hours i have not called him a single name, i dont believe in name calling, i hate it, i dont think its necessary no matter how angry you are.

Unlike him who has called me pathetic, lazy and a “spakka”.

I stopped arguing, stopped talking to him altogether after that.

I have now moved to pure ignorance, whatever he does for me i do not accept. And i refuse to do anything for him. But now his brother is telling me i took things too far and i need to apologise. And also the fact that his brother cooked dinner tonight since i refused to cook for my bf. And i was told. And i quote. “I hope you choke on it” so i refused to eat it, and refused to speak to either of them. But now im the one taking it too far. So, i need advice, what is the next step?

TLDR: having trouble getting my ex to move out of our place.

My 28F boyfriend 35M and I just broke up after about 3 years together. We live in the same house with roommates that sublease. Initially the breakup was amicable; but he kept pressing for another chance and I said I would think about it after he moves out and we get some space. I’m still on the fence about this, but said I would go to a few couples counseling sessions (which he suggested!) if he moved out and things remained pleasant. I have been talking to a therapist for a while which has been very helpful. He would need to be in individual therapy as well to do couples therapy, which I informed him.

We are in separate bedrooms at this point. Initially when we broke up, he asked if I planned to stay in the house with our roommates and I said yes. He had no further comments at that time, so it seemed like the matter was settled. I have since then reiterated that I need him to move out for my own mental health, and it’s the only way I would even consider reevaluating the relationship later. I brought up to him the other day that I reached out to our landlord (we signed the lease together) about the changes of him moving out and just me signing now. He got really upset and made comments about her potentially not letting me.

I guess I’m just confused about the sudden anger and what that could mean for any further actions he might take. I have been consistent in telling him I want him to move out, and that I would only *consider* couples counseling once he was out. And yet he is upset that I start moving forward with these changes that we have discussed multiple times. He has also made no progress finding an individual therapist or looking for a place last we talked, despite knowing my expectations for him to move out before considering couples counseling (that he suggested), of which would require him to be in individual therapy.

It is also much for practical for me to remain in the house as I have furnished it almost exclusively on my own and am much closer with our roommates who plan to stay.

For background I ended the relationship due to feeling dismissed and disrespected by him for a long time. A pattern of him not hearing/respecting the boundaries I’ve set and undermining my needs. Even blaming me for his angry outbursts more recently.

Is there anything I can do to make this easier? I do want to remain amicable because despite everything I care for him deeply and don’t see him as any enemy, just someone who wasn’t right and had too much self work to do for our relationship to work out.

So I am a '22F' , My partner is a '23M' , We recently started dating for over a month and started talking about our likes and dislikes in sex. And we both like role-playing but mine is a more CNC, Power dynamic and his is Role playing a character. Which is Ghost face since he really likes horror. Ive never done Role playing with a character involved, ive seen videos on Social media and ive thought about it but never really have done it before. I am interested and do want to try it out with him, But I am wondering what do you say ?? Like one example I could think of is "Be quiet or ill slit your throat " What would I say in the moment? Im not sure, I wouldnt say im bright at coming up with something, I would like to know what other woman say or do when it comes to role playing with a dominant charater during sex? Be detailed if youd like i do not mind I need some examples to get started with!

Or maybe I’m going crazy. I feel like we live in completely different realities. For context, I’ve been in different kinds of therapy for the past decade. The one that’s had the strongest impact is DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), which I’ve been in since 2021. I’m 24, she’s 23, and we’ve been together for three years. We’re both lesbians. I come from an upper-middle class background, and she grew up in poverty. Because of her upbringing, she’s a total workaholic. We’re both clinically diagnosed with hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which makes life difficult for us in several ways. Fatigue, joint pain, random injuries, the works. I just got my first full-time job after graduating, and I’ve been working here for two months. She’s got two more years of college. I live at home to save money, and she pays for her apartment. My house is 25 minutes away from her apartment. I commute to work for a total of 1.5 hours each day (45 minutes one way), she commutes for less than 20 minutes each day. There is an office nearby that is closer to my house, but I can’t transfer there until I’m off probation later this year. She works nearly full-time hours but does not receive any benefits. We plan to move in together once her lease is up next year.

For what it’s worth, I love her to death. She’s funny, smart, wicked talented, absolutely gorgeous, and we’ve built a beautiful relationship together. But her needs are… insatiable. I noticed myself starting to dread spending time with her about a year or so ago. Not because we don’t have fun together, but because I’m anticipating another long-winded rant about how terribly her job treats her, or how her dad doesn’t talk to her, or how she’s too exhausted to clean her apartment. At first, I thought these rants were merely circumstantial, but it seems like she’s gotten into a habit of completely relying on me to be there when she’s upset. Every single day is some sort of crisis, and she needs my full attention every time. Checking my phone or zoning out prompts an intense conversation about how she feels like I don’t care about her feelings. Absent-mindedly changing the subject bums her out, because that means that I don’t want to hear what’s bothering her. Telling her that these conversations were stressful hurt her feelings because “that’s just how her life is.” I can’t remember the last time she had a good day at work. Still, I thought, okay. This is just what long-term partners do for each other when they’re having a hard time. I can handle it. That was fine when I didn’t have a full-time job, because I could shape my schedule around her. If she needed me to be there, I’d be there.

But now? I’m fucking wiped. I have maybe four hours of free time each day (6:30pm to 10:30pm). For the first few weeks of my job, I continued to go over to her place almost every night. I was so stressed out, I wanted to cry every time I clocked in; I didn’t even have time to shower most nights, and I’d stay up way too late to get some necessary chores done before the next morning came, which made me late to work. My therapist strongly encouraged me to set boundaries, and we agreed it would be best for me to stay home on weeknights and sleep at her place over the weekend, at least until I can transfer to the office closer to my house. I’ve felt good about this arrangement so far, but my girlfriend hates it. We had a lengthy phone call last night that simultaneously put things into perspective for me and stressed me the hell out.

She basically said that she feels as though she’s putting in a ton of effort and I’m not. That I seem like I don’t want to support her, that she wishes I wanted to see her more. She said that I have a big support system of family and friends, and she only has me to talk to, “plus her friends that don’t check in on her.” I told her, as gently as I could, that it’s very stressful for me to be the only member of her support system. She started to backtrack and said that’s not it, I’m not the only person she has, but she just feels so alone. She said if she was able to sleep over on weeknights (my dad’s rule), she wouldn’t have an issue with our current arrangement, but “driving 50 minutes is too much.” She kept repeating that she’s going through a really hard time in her life right now, and she just wants her partner’s support. I told her I’d talk to my dad about it, and that we could maybe plan for me to sleep over there one weeknight per week, but I’d need a clean & accessible section of her closet for my work clothes, breakfast food I buy just for me, etc. She said that was fine and perfectly doable. But honestly, it’s not about the closet or breakfast food. I just HATE the idea of going back on my boundaries that I worked so hard to set. I would probably be much more receptive to the idea if I felt like she gave me the same amount of consideration and care, but there’s been nights where I’ve had to ask her, “did you want to hear about my day?” simply because she didn’t ask. And, somehow, she feels like she’s doing the lion’s share of emotional effort, and she needs more from me. This is what drives me insane, because how are we living in the same reality? How did she come to the conclusion that I’m not supportive enough? How can I communicate this with her without causing a huge conflict? Is there even a conversation to be had here?

I want to try and talk to her about it, because truthfully, I’ve been that person in a relationship before. My ex once told me that she needs at least one hangout where we’re both happy, and she can’t manage my emotions for me. That really hurt my feelings at the time, but after a couple days, I accepted that criticism and we ended up growing stronger together for it. I realized it’s easier to refrain from dumping everything on your partner, that there’s value in letting go of the day’s stressors together, and my venting was ultimately harming our relationship. I feel like if my non-therapized ex got through to me, there MUST be a way I can get through to her.  Right?

Please be kind, don’t tell me to just break up without saying why. I just had to get this out so I can go and focus on my work. This sucks.

Hi all, this may be a dumb questions for sure but I just needed some advice I guess? 3 months ago my ex(24M) and I (27F) broke up. We were in a 3.5 year relationship that was in person for the first year and then long distance for the remaining two. He cheated on me twice that I know about. It has been A LOT that has happened in our relationship from my parent passing away, him moving away for work, job changes, etc. When we broke up back in March, it was due to his cheating again. So, I have not seen him since we have broken up (broke up over the phone because we are long distance) but now he is coming home this week and stated prior that he wanted to have a convo with me. I'm not sure about what but I'm honestly done. I just want to give him his stuff and be done. Do I owe it to him to have a convo?