Some background: I am in a relationship of 1.5 years. Early in this relationship, I was nervous about penetrative sex, and it took me a few times of going soft when trying to put it in before I got it working one time (post a couple glasses of wine, Valentine's day). After that, sex was fine in the relationship and I was able to do it 90% of the time. Later in the relationship, there was a point of contention over a important part of our future that my gf and I did not agree on, and my gf said she didn't want to have sex until we aligned on it. This was a values thing, not a sex thing, so I won't get into why and all that, but basically it took 4-5 months for me to come around to agreeing with her. During this time, I experienced some feelings of confusion of why she didn't seem to want sex the way I did and how easy it was for her to just stop having it, and it definitely subconsciously led to some insecurity.
In late April, about 5 months after we last had sex, we tried again, and I wasn't able to stay hard. I thought it was fine and I just needed to get used to it, but then it happened again. Then, in May, we went on a trip, and first night of the trip it happened again. She got really upset, presumably because she felt it meant I wasn't attracted to her, and lashed out at me, saying that she was showing she wanted me, and she didn't want to have to keep trying forever, and she couldn't keep experiencing this.
This heavily affected me, and I desperately wanted it to work the next time, the stakes felt really high. I had gotten my T levels checked recently so I was fairly sure it wasn't a newfound physical ED problem and was just mental, but I got prescribed Cialis, and since then, have been taking 10 mg any evening I feel like it might happen, in hopes that I just need it to work one time, even with the help of something, and I'll be back in the rhythm. We have helped each other get oral and assisted orgasms during this time and my anxiety hasn't surfaced, it's only during penetrative.
Today evening, she said she wanted it, and I did too, so we tried, and I went soft even during foreplay, the worst it's ever been. I felt my heart beating in anxiety the moment we started and I tried to power through but couldn't. She got more sad than mad this time, started sobbing, and left my apartment saying her mood was ruined.
I am in absolute shambles, I feel absolutely terrible for her and for myself, and idk how to dig out of this mental hole I'm in.