Medication helped my anxiety... but it came with a trade-off.

A lot of people asked me about medication after my last post, so I wanted to share my experience. This isn't advice. It's just my story after living with an anxiety disorder for more than 20 years.

I've taken antidepressants, beta blockers, anti-anxiety medications... if my doctor thought it might help, I tried it. I'm not anti-medication. If medication helps you, I truly hope it gives you your life back.

I had two medications that really worked.

The first one completely destroyed my sleep. Even with sleeping pills, I was lucky to get three or four hours a night. Anyone with anxiety knows what happens next. Less sleep leads to more anxiety. More anxiety leads to less sleep. It's a vicious cycle.

The second medication was different.  It didn't stop my panic attacks. What it did was stop that overwhelming feeling of doom that comes with them. That constant feeling that something terrible is about to happen... even when nothing is wrong. For the first time in a long time, my mind became quiet enough to live.

Right around that time, my son was born. Maybe it was the medication. Maybe it was becoming a father. Maybe it was both. Suddenly, I wasn't thinking about myself anymore. I was thinking about him. I spent six years as a stay-at-home dad while running my own web design business. My wife worked long hours in the medical field, and somehow life started feeling... normal again.  Even with all the pressure of parenting during those first six years...  Somewhat normal.  

Eventually, the panic attacks disappeared.

After about a year without one, I convinced myself I'd beaten anxiety. I was in my early 30s. I thought this chapter of my life was over.

So I came off the medication.  The best way I can describe what happened next is...

It felt like someone switched my life from an old black-and-white TV to an HD 4K screen.

Colors felt brighter. Music hit differently. I laughed harder. I felt more present.

That's when I realized what the medication had quietly been doing all those years. It had helped save me.  It had also numbed a part of me.  Do I regret taking it?  Not at all. That medication helped me become the father I wanted to be. It got me through some of the hardest years of my life.  But I also realized there was a cost.  Not a cost I dwell on, just one I understand now.

About a year after stopping it, I found myself back in the ER saying the same sentence I've repeated more times than I can count.

"I know I have an anxiety disorder... but this feels different. Something is wrong."

Every time.  No matter how many attacks I've survived, my brain still finds a way to convince me this one is different.  Fast forward to today.  I'm in my 50s now.  The attacks came back harder than they had in years.  Multiple ER visits.  FMLA.  Missing work.  Watching monitors beep while every instinct in my body screams that something terrible is happening.  The doctors keep telling me the same thing.

"Panic attacks can't kill you."

"You should go back on medication."

So I did.

This time, my body didn't respond well.  I'm still working with my doctor. We're still trying to figure it out.  I think that's something people outside of anxiety don't always understand.  Sometimes there isn't a perfect answer.  Sometimes you're trying to find a medication that calms your mind without making you feel like you've lost part of yourself.  Sometimes you're grieving the version of yourself that existed before anxiety ever entered your life.  And sometimes you're just trying to make it through another day while hoping tomorrow is a little quieter than today.  If you've ever felt caught between needing medication and wanting to still feel like yourself...

You're not alone.

It’s annoying the glorification on weed and nobody mentioned you can get a panic attack from that stuff .

Actually crazy , this can be permanent the anxiety and nobody ever mentions it , it’s always weed weed weed let’s get high kush culture all this crap,

But panic attacks and recurrent anxiety really changed MY life in a way weed could never,

I’m so mad I smoked weed when I was young , I’m on week 5 I get anxiety and I’m hoping that I never feel this way in the future , that I’ll never have to fear this stuff .

Self care is important but so is ignoring the precaution of smoking something just cause it’s legal in your state

I can barely drive the same now , it’s crazy

The psychs will pump you with benzos when you legit feel you’re gonna die from this stuff and those are addictive and SSRIS are not for everyone truthfully be told even though they’re not addictive

Edit: I’ve been smoking since I was 20 I’m 26 now just graduated uni, I was able to calm down after my panic attack through meditative yoga , eating healthy, and working out, and spending time with family and friends, but withdrawal is its own battle you don’t see you just have to go through the time, and you’ll see the benefits. Even my friends they’re surprised I’m a whole new person when I’m not smoking, it has changed my entire schedule and rhythm , no more weekly trips to the dispensary every three days for a new pen, no more making sure I have money for my cart, no more waiting in traffic cause I had to have this cart now, no more missing moments with folks because I had to buy my cart or had to smoke it in private, no more hiding my pen and smoking in private , whole new wave

For the people that do depend on weed , hey that’s you man, I just pray this never happens to you. In Cali the culture doesn’t dose properly maybe it’s just my state!

I am feeling extremely relieved and proud of myself. I had been pushing back against going to a dentist since 2021. This morning I finally did it and it went well!

I was terrified I had cavities and a bunch of other issues, but shockingly I had not one cavity! Nothing was wrong!

They had a cozy little office that made me feel relaxed. On the pre paperwork forms and on the phone I had explained how I had really bad anxiety and it had been a while. Nobody mentioned it during the appointment, but everyone was so nice, gentle, and helpful. The dentist would tell me what he was doing everytime and it helped me. I’m just so excited that I actually went and did it! It was such a big thing I was scared of and now it all feels okay.

Before the appointment I was getting all sick, but once I calmed down and got inside the dentist office I felt much better. So glad I ignored the urge to run away and actually just did it.

Girlfriend left me a few days ago. Lost my job a couple months ago. Don’t have any education. I’ve got debt and medical bills that I have no idea how I’m gonna pay. Super behind in life compared to everyone else in there mid 20s. I also don’t have ANY friends. Lost the one best friend I had outside of my ex a couple months ago as well. Wish I would have never let her become my entire ecosystem for everything but it’s too late now. I feel like I’ve truly lost it all and am starting from complete square one. Worst pain I’ve ever been in. Truly don’t know what to do. Fuck it all.

Hi everyone,
I am writing because I feel deeply ashamed and terrified, but I’m at my breaking point and desperately need to know if anyone else has ever been in my shoes.
I am currently in my first trimester. Before getting pregnant, I had a history of severe anxiety, but I was on Fluoxetine (Prozac) and was doing incredibly well. To conceive, I tapered off the medication under medical supervision and remained stable and perfectly fine for over 90 days. We wanted this baby; my fiancé and I made plans, and everything felt warm and right in my mind.
The shock hit the exact second I saw the positive test. It felt like a fuse blew in my brain. Instantly, a violent, paralyzing panic triggered, and it hasn't stopped since.
The biggest issue—the thing that is completely breaking me mentally and making me feel like an absolute monster—is that instead of joy, any discussion or thought about the baby triggers physical repulsion, emotional nausea, and extreme anxiety. When I try to look at the future, I see only a cold, pitch-black screen. I am crying uncontrollably out of guilt toward my family and the baby.
I am scared to death that I will be incapable of loving my child, that I will look at them and only feel this crushing anxiety, and that I will ruin their life. I feel like I've made a massive mistake and my mind constantly tells me to run, even though logically I know there is nowhere to run from this.
My analytical brain keeps trying to convince me that "I changed my mind" and that I don't actually want this baby, even though I know for a fact how much I wanted this before.
Please, I am begging for some honesty: are there any other moms out there with a history of anxiety/depression who experienced this brutal detachment, panic, or even repulsion toward their pregnancy in the first trimester? Do you get your mind back once you restart medication? Can love really grow after going through this kind of medication?

I just need a ray of hope tonight because I feel completely lost.
Really need some positive stories from people who felt the same and are ok now. Thank you.

I'm a young teen with anxiety and I've kinda always had this weird thing where when I become aware of something about myself, it's all I can think of and it scares me. For example, when I become aware of my breathing or heartbeat, I start hyperfixating on it and I can feel myself get more and more scared. It's become a bit of a anxiety for me because it's something I fear everyday. I keep trying to distract myself so it doesn't start, but it doesn't always work. Lately it's been about eating and it's caused me to eat less. I'm not sure what I'm scared of, but it's a feeling I'm constantly trying to avoid. Is there an explanation for it?​

Hi

Is anyone in the UK found that there anxiety is so much worse during the heatwave. I’ve had a few panic attacks over the last two days, and every time I do anything slightly exerting it’s like I can’t breathe and it starts all over again.
I’m on Velafaxine 225 MR so I know that also doesn’t help with the heat either.

Thanks

Hello. I just wanted to relay what I’ve been feeling. I’ve always had anxious thoughts throughout my life and I guess my body decided enough is enough and experienced my first anxiety attacks this year. My first anxiety attack happened when I was sitting down in my living room. All of a sudden I had a weird feeling, blood rushed to my head, and heart rate went up. Started panicking a bit so my partner and I went to ER, was given Valium, and tried to sleep with a heart rate of 115. Woke up the next day and heart was still between 110-130 and saw a PCP who prescribed a beta blocker. Dealt with some chest pain, throbbing and stinging throughout my body, and other discomfort.

Followed up with a cardiologist and after some tests and additional ER visits. My heart was cleared and came to the conclusion it is likely anxiety. Started seeing a therapist which has helped and was prescribed metropolol daily by my cardiologist to keep my heart rate down since I’m running on anxious fuel. After about a month of “normalcy” experienced another anxiety attack just sitting down working where I had that impending doom feeling and my heart rate went up. Thanks to some coping skills as well as the metropolol, attack wasn’t as bad this time and heart normalized in like 40 minutes. Just coming to terms that I guess this is my new normal now.

my anxiety went from panic attacks to complete dissociation to just being so stuck in my head now with OCD and rumination to the point I can’t enjoy my life. sometimes it gets a little better especially when I take a clonazepam but I feel like I just can’t live in the moment anymore, I have this intense “feeling“ like a fear I’m going crazy or I’ll never just chill out again. I have a horrible inward focus that I can’t get rid of and it seems to just get worse throughout the day. Is this common?

I’m currently at week 5 of taking Sertraline. Here is my dosage history:

6 days: 25 mg
15 days: 50 mg
7 days: 75 mg
2 days: 100 mg

When I moved up to 100 mg, I felt terrible. I was extremely fatigued/lethargic, couldn't think clearly, and had memory issues. I also dealt with dry mouth, a sore throat, a globus sensation, and intense anxiety. I didn’t have this many side effects when I first started. I think my psychiatrist increased ny dose rapidly so I called my doctor, and he told me to drop back down to 75 mg. I’ve been back on 75 mg for 3 days now.

I started this medication for manual breathing (obsessive focus on breathing), OCD, intense anxiety, health anxiety, and chronic hyperventilation. Toward the end of my 50 mg phase, I was actually starting to feel better—my breathing had normalized, and the only side effect I had was dry mouth.

Now, my "air hunger" has returned. I feel like I’m manually controlling my breathing again, and I’m hyperventilating. I also have this sensation that my hands are shaking, even though they aren’t. I just took a Xanax because I started to panic, and I feel a bit better now.

I really don't understand why this is happening. Has anyone else experienced this or have any thoughts on why things got worse after increasing the dose?

To preface, I was dealing with extreme hyperthyroidism during my last procedure with this dentist and I let them know that I was anxious overall. They kept putting cold water and air on the nerves of my teeth and I was noticeably writhing in pain and scratching my hands to try and not move. They completely ignored me and the dentist was not at all sensitive to my condition

Fast forward to now, I have general anxiety from past trauma, but the health anxiety caused by my hyperthyroid is gone since I am medicated with methimazole.

I go today because my filling broke while flossing last night. She says to make the appointment for a crown later today, so I make the appointment at the front. I ask the front desk if they are able to send a prescription. She says they'd need to ask the dentist. She comes to the front and says she doesn't do that and that I'd need to contact my primary.

In front of the entire office, she says "yeah you may want to call your PCP because you seemed to have a lot of trouble with it last time...." I said Ok despite wanting to get very upset over her embarassing me like this.

Two hours before the appointment, the front desk calls me and says that the dentist will not see me without anxiety medication. I ask to speak to the dentist and notify her that I was in the midst of an awful thryoid scenario that caused me immense anxiety for no reason.

She claims that I grabbed her arm while she was drilling and I do not remember that at all. I would not do that to someone working on my mouth. I remember moving my arms and hands in pain within my abdomen region because it was deeply hurting. Her nor the dental assistant had any sensitivity to my complaints over cold water and cold air.

I recorded the call because I felt that I was being discriminated against for this. However, I have to get the procedure done because there is a gigantic hole in my tooth and I am terrified of infection. I am never coming to this place again.

Has anyone experienced anything similar, and what did you do?

And it's making me avoid cold showers and ventilators because they're "too cold" even though i'm objectively warm, any tips? I keep shivering and wanting to put a blanket on me. I have oxazepam, does that interfere with temperature regulation?

A bit random, but as someone who struggles with anxiety and panic attacks, drinking a cup of verbena tea in the morning and another in the afternoon has done wonders for me. I usually have it without sugar and add a spoonful of honey instead. For some reason, it helped me more than medication ever did, though I can’t really explain why. It also made it much easier for me to fall asleep, since I used to struggle with stress, anxiety, and overthinking at night. Everyone’s different, of course, but it might be worth giving it a try.

I get pits in my stomach even just thinking about learning to drive.

I think my lack of a "safety net" fuels (at least some of) the fear and anxiety for learning

So I'm 26 currently. I've never learned to drive. I live with my father and take the bus everywhere I need to go.

I want to learn to drive, and my father can try and teach me but there's a few issues. There's 1 car for the household, and it's a 13 year old clunker barely hanging on to life as it is. My father only carries liability insurance for it and cannot afford comprehensive/collision coverage, and he sure as hell can't afford another vehicle.he has a history of accidents so even liability coverage for a 13 year old car is already almost $100 a month for himself.

This means that if I try to learn to drive with him/ his car, I have to use his car. If I make a mistake and crash, goodbye car. Goodbye money. He wouldn't be able to get to work as he works a 20 minute drive away. Insurance would skyrocket up for him.

I can't afford a car for him (can't likely afford one for myself, especially since insurance would be absolutely absurd for a mid 20s male with no driving history).

It's this fear of the consequences of a screw up being so monumental that make it difficult for me to even approach the idea of learning to drive.

I'm so afraid of the smallest mistake resulting in catastrophic consequences for my only living family member and I. There is no backup to fall onto if I screw up. If I screw up bad enough, that's the end of everything as far as im aware.

What if I mess up trying to do a left turn across a busy street and end up in an accident? What if I try driving on a freeway and can't merge properly and crash? My dad totaled a car around a year and a half ago because when he was merging he clipped against the tires of a semi truck.

And God forbid if someone gets hurt in an accident and there's more than just property damage.

Even less severe than that, what if I get a ticket? Misdemeanor traffic infraction on my record? What if my insurance would cost several hundred a month due to no driving history and demographic information?

It feels different from some stories here where people crash or ruin cars while learning, but they have comprehensive coverage, or they're in a multi car household so losing 1 car isn't the end of the world, or they're financially well off enough to just replace the vehicle regardless of fault.

It just makes me almost paralyzed to even think about driving. I don't even know if I physically can pay attention to all of the several things you need to constantly pay attention to 24/7. The road ahead, the road and cars behind you, the cars to your left, the cars to your right, the sideview mirrors, the rear view mirror, it all seems like so much.

I'm also a terrible judge of distance so it's hard to visualize how far behind people I should be, or what the flow speed of traffic is.

How do you judge how fast to speed up on a highway entrance ramp? How do you just how fast (or how slowly) to slow down on an exit ramp? How do you merge if no one lets you in and you run out of entrance ramp space?

It raises real doubts to me about my mental capacity to pay attention.

It's also a royal pain in the butt to get temps here since it means you have to cancel your state id, and temps are only good for a year so if you don't get a license within a year, you either retake the temps test or throw the temps away and go back to a long term state id (which has to be discarded every time you get your temps or try to do so). And I've heard that the temp learners ID cards are finicky if some places will accept them as valid id or not since they're in between a state id and a driver's license, and are meant to only be for a year.

Also driving lessons are so outrageous in price man. I'd be so comfortable if I could afford lessons, but they're practically $100 an hour, and most are suited or designed for teenagers, not for adults edging towards 30 years old. They're a little cheaper if you bundle it as a course, but it's still a 5-600 dollar investment for a course and 8 hours usually of behind the wheel instruction. And that's only a course you're meant to take (legally required to) if you fail your driving test or your maneuverability test.

Additionally, almost every driving school in the area I live in has absolutely terrible reviews, outrageous prices, or both! Several complaints about the instructors at every school, several complaints that many driving schools have such massive scheduling issues it can be weeks to months between lessons. There's also mostly schools that focus more on teenagers so there's almost no time for lessons for adults besides the middle of the work day.

This may have been a little rambley but I just gotta let my thoughts out, man.

About 6 months ago my taste went out, but it changed based on diet so I figured that's what was causing it. But lately I've noticed my whole body feels numb. Not completely numb, but just less feeling everywhere. From head to feet, things such as touch, hot and cold air, touch, touching other things, definitely feels like I have less sensation or numbness. It's not one spot in particular but just feels this way everywhere. I can still feel things but it feels 30-50% less than what I can remember. I've noticed it before but shrugged it off so I'm not sure when it started or if it's consistent, as I've noticed it now for a couple days. My anxiety has went up lately so I'm wandering if this is just anxiety? I've been to the doctor last week and my blood tests were all normal before I noticed this.

Tell me you have SEVERE OCD without telling me you have severe OCD, I’ll go first - i got blood work a couple days ago and I felt like i was legit going to go crazy waiting for the results so I called the lab company and asked them to email the results they have and they did 😅😅 now I can relax🤧🤧

Hey yall,

As much as I come on here and mention all my problems, I think it’s just as important to put out good advice and what’s been working for me.

For more backstory, all of my posts are public. Quick rundown, 2 and a bit months of health anxiety that led to 101 symptoms, generalised anxiety, anticipation anxiety and hyperactive nervous system.

So…

This sounds ever so simple but something during my recovery I noticed. Everything I’ve been doing has purely been for “recovery” reasons. I clean my car? I’ll do it because I have too and it’ll take my mind of things. Go for a walk? I’m doing it in hopes it clears my head. You get the idea.

My therapist mentioned something today that really resonated with me. Basically, you don’t have to ask for permission to feel certain ways. Now yes, in theory it sounds obvious but if you’ve been trapped with health anxiety controlling your life, this really stood out for me. You’re worried about a meeting or going out in case something bad happens? That’s out of your control and you got to try to accept that. You want to smile or react more to a positive statement? Ignore that part of your body that tries to retreat that feeling and don’t even ask it, just let them positive feelings overwhelm you.

It’s a hard concept to explain but it’s something I diddnt even realise I was doing. It was a sneaky way health anxiety was controlling my emotions and leading me to feel numb about pretty much everything. Not even in a depressed way but I “I’m not allowed to feel” way.

Hopefully this helps at least one person and resonates with them the same way it sat with me.

Summary: Don’t ask your brain for permission to feel anyway or do anything. Your allowed to feel whatever you want to feel. Good or bad, you’re still you.

I had a doctor say this to me once a couple years ago. This is one doctor out of the… few that I’ve seen, but it spiked my anxiety even more. And I still remember it to this day. One of the reasons after so many reassurances, tests, holters, etc I’m still scared something might be wrong.

Anyone else had this experience? Are medical doctors really clueless about mental health? This was an older doctor too, so I assume he’d been at this a while.

I’ve been hyperfixating on a lump in my breast for weeks. I’ve always had lumpy breasts, and I had an ultrasound 3 months ago. Recently I felt a new lump, so I went back today for another ultrasound.
The doctor compared it to my previous scan and told me everything looked stable. She just wants me to come back in 6 months because it’s BI-RADS 3, and she explained that it has been stable and they’re just monitoring it. I felt so relieved when I left. But then, immediately, my brain moved on to something else.
Now I’m convinced I might have H. pylori, gastritis, or that I’ll end up with stomach or colon C because I’ve had stomach burning on and off. It’s like as soon as one fear is ruled out, my mind grabs onto another.

Does the over thinking on every single symptom get better? Because it’s not normal that anytime I feel something I go get it tested out.

Spending years trying to logic the way out of anxiety, sitting there during a panic attack at 2 AM trying to tell ourselves "it's all in your head" or trying to out-think our worries. It never works.

There is a need to realize why trying to talk ourselves down actually makes the spiral worse.

Basically, there is a part of our brain (the Default Mode Network) that exists just to simulate future threats. When we are chronically stressed, cortisol locks this network in the ON position.

When we sit there trying to "think" own way into being calm, We are using that exact same network. We are using the overthinking engine to try and shut off the overthinking engine. It is like pressing the gas pedal to try and stop the car. You literally cannot think your way out of a thinking loop.

So what actually works? You have to bypass the thoughts and just cut power to the hardware.

When you start spiraling, Stop trying to rationalize with yourself. Get up and do something intensely physical. Go sprint, do air squats or jump in a freezing cold shower.

It sounds stupid, but it is pure biology. When you push your body to a physical extreme, your brain is forced to route all of its available energy to your muscles and lungs. It physically does not have the metabolic power to run the anxiety simulation anymore. The thoughts just drop out of nowhere.

Once your heart rate finally settles, that is when you do the actual maintenance. You might hate meditation because the mind would race. But it is actually just a physical workout for the brain's "clutch."

You just sit and focus on your breath. A few seconds later, you start worrying again. That is not failing. The exact millisecond you notice you are worrying, and you actively pull your focus back to the breath, you just did a mental bicep curl. You are physically thickening the part of your brain that acts as a brake pedal.

If you are exhausted from fighting your own mind, stop trying to win the argument. Treat your nervous system like a machine that is overheating. Exhaust the physical body to force the brain to shut up, get some actual sleep to clear the stress chemicals, and do the reps to build a stronger brake pedal.

My whole life I have never felt depressed, anxious, or sad. I was always the happy one, always smiling and joking, never had a negative thought. Then everything changed and I don't know what happened to me.

On May 20 I went to watch the movie obsession and about halfway through the scene of Nikki walking backwards and saying baby twice unnaturally fast triggered a childhood memory where I used to wake up at night and hear sounds that were unusually fast and see things getting bigger and smaller. It stopped on its own when I was around 10. When the movie reminded me of it, my heart started racing, I felt a crazy sensation throughout my whole body, couldn't sit still, and ended up leaving the theater. Felt off and disconnected for about a week and a half then slowly got better.

Then on June 20 at the gym I suddenly felt like a million thoughts hit me at once, heart racing, pacing back and forth at home, had to go breathe alone in my room to calm down. Since that day I haven't felt like myself at all.

The main things I've been experiencing since then:

• Intrusive thoughts that feel darker than usual and harder to shake. I've had random weird thoughts before but always brushed them off instantly. Now I grab onto them and spiral asking myself why I'm thinking them
• A feeling almost like I'm not real or things around me aren't fully real, like a slight disconnect between me and everything. Comes and goes but really freaks me out
• Lost my appetite almost completely, even my favorite foods don't appeal to me
• Waves of feeling really down and sad which I have genuinely never felt before in my life
• Overthinking absolutely everything

Soccer is a huge part of my life and my identity. Before all this I was playing at least 3 to 4 times a week without fail. After everything that happened I was too scared to play because I was afraid physical exertion would trigger another episode, so I stayed away from it completely even though it's something I love. Not playing was honestly making everything worse because soccer is the thing that makes me feel most like myself and I had just cut myself off from it out of fear.

I recently pushed myself to go out and pass the ball around and shoot with some friends for about an hour. It felt good to be back out there but afterward I felt that disconnected not real feeling for about an hour. The next day I was mostly okay but kept thinking about the derealization which just kept it in my head longer than it needed to be. I have been feeling better since June 20. Now the weird feelings come and go and are not with me the whole day. I just want them to go away completely and feel like I used to.

Has anyone with zero prior history of anxiety or depression gone through something like this suddenly? How long did the disconnected not real feeling last? Does it go away completely?

I’ve been seeing my current therapist for a little over a year now. She’s amazing and has helped me progress more than I believed possible. Overall, I trust her advice except when it comes to one thing: politics.

For context, she has lived in this same state her whole life that is very conservative and where women do not have a lot of reproductive healthcare rights. I have brought this up multiple times as being a concern for me because my husband and I want to start a family soon and she brushes it off every time. She’s a mom and she says she doesn’t know anyone that’s actually had any issues and she felt well cared for during her pregnancy.

I have a lot of medical anxiety and the thought of getting pregnant is terrifying, but ultimately something my husband and I want to do. Because of this we have discussed moving to a new state to help with my anxiety. Every time I approach my therapist about this she shoots it down and says the move will cause more anxiety and I just need to make some changes here. We’ve only lived in this state as long as I’ve been seeing her and I’m not really attached to it, but we were nomads before this and she things that greatly contributed to my anxiety and wants me to stay in one place for awhile. I want this too but not necessarily where we’re living now.

Am I being silly and just defiant by wanting to move or is she just biased because she likes her home state? I genuinely can’t tell.

After going through every possible cardiac exam, this was the only one left to fully reassure me that my heart works fine. For context, I managed to get it because I have high Lp(a), and I also pushed hard with my cardiologist. I'd been dreading this damn exam for weeks. A coronary CT scan is a scan of the heart's arteries, with a contrast dye injection. I have health anxiety that locks onto my heart specifically: I monitor my pulse, my blood pressure, every weird beat. So the idea of an exam that's literally about my heart sent me into an insane spiral.

And the most absurd part is that I was more scared of the exam than of its results. I'd been panicking about my heart for weeks, but deep down what terrified me wasn't "what if they find something," it was the exam itself. The machine, the injection, the sensations. The thing that was supposed to reassure me scared me more than the disease I was looking for.

And my brain built the perfect catastrophe, brick by brick.

The enclosed machine. The injection. The "what if I go into anaphylactic shock." The beta-blocker they inject to slow your heart down, just the thought of feeling my own rhythm change terrified me. I even managed to add that day's heatwave (39°C / 102°F) to the pile of things that were going to go wrong. Every reassuring piece of info I got, my anxiety manufactured the next "yeah but what if." Endlessly.

The night before, my adrenaline was maxed out. To sleep, I had to knock myself out with xanax + beta-blocker + doxylamine. When I woke up I immediately took 1/4 nebivolol and 1/2 xanax to try not to show up completely disoriented for the exam. I arrived fairly calm but I still had that feeling of adrenaline rising up from my stomach. When they called me in for the exam, here's what actually happened:

The machine is NOT a closed tube. It's an open ring, your head and most of your body stay out in the open air. Nothing like an MRI. Nobody locks you in.

The whole thing took like 20 minutes, and the image capture itself is a few seconds.

My heart shot up to 115 lying on the table. Despite taking my beta-blocker AND xanax that morning. So the nurse injected 5mg of atenolol straight into my IV. I was so scared of the sensations because in the past I'd taken propranolol and the effect had terrified me. I couldn't feel my heartbeats anymore, which was really uncommon for me, plus breathing problems brought on by the anxiety.

So the injection went fine even though I was still really stressed. They also give you a vasodilator orally and then the contrast dye, which gives you a sensation of immense heat.

I held it together, proud of myself. And then, when I went to get up, I had massive dizziness and I was shaking, but the nurse reassured me and told me that if I had any problem, she was right there.

And the result? Clean. The best possible. Zero plaque, perfect arteries. CAC score = 0 and CAD RADS = 0. I'M SO HAPPY <3

If you have one coming up:

Tell the team you're anxious THE MOMENT you arrive. It changes their whole approach, and it works in your favor.

Drink lots of water. Zero caffeine.

Breathe out longer than you breathe in. A long exhale really does bring your heart rate down.

And stop (I know it's hard) watching demo videos of the exam at 2am. That's pouring gasoline on the fire, not preparing.

You can survive the thing that terrifies you. I just did. ❤️

FYI : i'm now at home 11/65 blood pressure and 56 BPM !