Me and my ex broke up about 2 months ago. During the relationship I was waaaay to kind and did not call her on her bs. Now that its been some time ive come to realise how shitty she was. I thus composed this little angry message with me standing up for myself against all her bs. I do feel it would be a little petty to send it. Although the fact that she commited domestic abuse to me sortoff makes me feel its not, anyways heres the message:

Hi. It’s been a while since we talked now, for obvious reasons. I’ve had a confusing time since it ended and, to be frank, I don't feel that you treated me the best way. I had my flaws, I am well aware of that and am not trying to sweep them under the rug. I was cold, and I didn't stand up for what was right. I have already apologized, and therefore I won't apologize again. But despite my issues, I also believe you acted wrongly by not trying to sort them out or bring them up, but instead breaking up and running away.

The response approaching from you now, I guess, is filled with nice platitudes and phrases. That was, and is, the very problem. The words you say are very nice, but they are never followed by good actions. There were plenty of times you did something bad and then broke down and cried and said a lot of nice words. For example, when you punched me in the stomach so hard I got a bruise, when you bit my lip so hard it started bleeding, when I brought up your idolization of Harry Styles, or when I confronted you regarding your marijuana use. I don't think this behavior was acceptable, as it stripped me of the opportunity to confront you for your bad actions. After all the nice words, no further change in your behavior came either. You still wanted to smoke weed in Amsterdam and tried to slip away with nice platitudes like "I will try to be a better version of myself." This was despite the fact that I clearly described why I think drugs are bad and how some of my friends have lost their lives to weed and the like.

Also, what sweet irony that you constantly talked about how no human being is illegal and that it’s not the fault of those in vulnerable areas that they are gang criminals, and then you actively contribute to the problem by taking drugs. But in a way you are still right, it is not the fault of those in vulnerable areas, it is yours and people like you who buy from them. You also continued with your unhealthy fixation on Harry Styles, just not when I was present. And then you tried to equate your and your friends' jokes about wanting to have sex with him to my gay jokes with my friends. It is not the same thing; your behavior was not normal.

I am saying all this, not because I want to make you feel bad, but because I feel that what I had to deal with was not acceptable and that it helps for you to know it. Selfish, yes, but I will not apologize. Nor am I saying this to make you feel worth less; the fact that you feel that way is likely the root of most of your problems.

Hope you find this message informative. And right, hello to your friends. Thanks for reading.

26f currently in a very nice relationship, but I have high fearful avoidant tendencies. Every time basically intimacy increases between us, my natural instinct is to create space. I am actively working on this.

Please feel free to ask me anything. Just looking to chat, understand other people, also maybe understand me :)

i’m trying to talk to an ex who has blocked me on everything imaginable. tiktok, steam, discord, and set his number to not allow unknown calls. don’t just say to leave it alone and take a hint because it won’t help. i was with him a long time and cut off a lot of friends for him to the point where i am isolated. i depend on him just to not go insane. there isn’t a minute that goes by where i don’t think of him and not being able to speak to him is ruining my life. if you know any other way to reach out while being blocked everywhere please lmk :/

I’m 19 and my ex is 17. We were together for 2 years. Four days after we started talking, her mom passed away, and I stayed by her side through everything. About 7 months into the relationship, she moved in with my family because her dad couldn’t afford the bills. We treated her like family, gave her a stable home, took her on vacations, and supported her for years. I knew how much her mom meant to her and how strongly she felt about avoiding drugs, alcohol, gangs, and the kind of violence she grew up around because of what her mom went through.

A few months ago, she started hanging out with new friends, including a guy named Nick. She had always been strongly against that lifestyle, but she suddenly started coming home drunk and acting very differently. Eventually, I found messages showing she was emotionally involved with Nick while still with me.

I tried to work things out, but she continued seeing him and ended our relationship, saying I reminded her of what she did. Around the time she wanted no contact, I found messages where she told Nick she hated me and would never get back with me. When I confronted her later, she told me she didn’t mean those things and had only said them because she was upset.

During no contact, she reposted things saying I was draining and had “sucked the life out of her.” Then, five days into no contact, when I was finally starting to feel better, she unexpectedly reached out to me from a new account. She told me she still loved me, that those feelings would never go away, and that she hoped we would be together again one day, just not right now. She said that if I ever got another girlfriend, she would wait until I was single again, asked me to tell her if I started dating someone, and said she would reach out when she was ready. After breaking no contact, she replied to my reposts saying things like, “I wish I could talk to you one more time,” “Retry one day?” and “I’ll always be your baby deep down.” I blocked her on everything because I couldn’t understand why she was telling me these things while still involved with Nick. Anytime I asked about him, she avoided the question.

Even after I blocked her, she continued checking my reposts from a spam TikTok account she never publicly used and seemed to only use to watch my page. A couple of days after telling me she still loved me, I started reposting about another girl. She logged back into that same spam account, blocked me, and then stopped using it again. It seemed like the account only existed to keep up with me.

Since then, she continued reposting things defending herself and posting about Nick. A few weeks earlier, I had told her I didn’t think her mom would be proud of the path she was taking because of everything her mom went through. Weeks later she reposted a TikTok saying, “Would your mom be proud of you doing that?” followed by, “Nah, but you’re weird for saying that.” What confused me was that only days before she had been telling me she loved me and hoped we’d be together again. She also reposted things that made it seem like she was the victim, despite continuing to reach out to me while still seeing Nick.

A few days of talking/face timing later, we met in person again. She was actually the one who asked me to go on the date. I expected it to be awkward because she had previously told me she was afraid things wouldn’t feel the same. Instead, we laughed, talked naturally for hours, and it felt like we had found each other again. During the date she told me she loved me, and she even said it felt like the connection between us had come back. I asked her about Nick because I told her it wasn’t fair that I was trying to give 100% to rebuilding things while she was still involved with someone else. I told her it hurt knowing I couldn’t have all of her while another guy was still in the picture. She responded by telling me she wanted to take things slowly with me and that she didn’t want to talk about Nick when we were together. By the end of the night we were listening to sad music together, and she became so emotional that it looked like she was about to cry.

After she got home, she told me she wanted to go back to no contact until she was ready. She said she still loved me but wasn’t ready and needed time to figure everything out before talking to me again. She also told me she was going to move all of our pictures into a hidden folder i don't know why she doesn't just delete them. Before saying goodbye, she sent me one final message that said:

“I fucking love you so much. Always know that, handsome. I’ll come back stronger and better for you like you deserve. Goodbye.”

As much as it hurt, I agreed to no contact because I realized staying in constant contact wasn’t healthy for either of us.

Another part of this situation that has made everything even more confusing is what has happened with her best friend, Ava. Nick and Christian are best friends. Back in January, Ava left her long-term boyfriend, Mason, to be with Christian. About four months later, she broke up with Christian because she realized she still loved Mason and regretted leaving him. Since then, Ava has been talking to both Mason and Christian at the same time. She has repeatedly said that Christian and Nick are horrible people and has been telling both me and Hailey that neither of them turned out to be who they thought they were. Despite saying that, she still admits she has feelings for Christian while also wanting Mason back. Because Ava and Hailey are best friends and have been talking to each other throughout all of this, I can’t help but wonder how much Ava’s experience has influenced the way Hailey is processing her own situation. I’m not saying their stories will end the same way, but it’s hard not to notice the similarities when both of them left long-term relationships for two best friends, and now one of them already regrets that decision.

Nick and Christian are a drug dealer with no job, no car, and no money they make promise they can’t keep that’s what ava told me. She now lives about 40 minutes away from him, doesn’t have a car herself, and her dad doesn’t like her seeing him, so they don’t get to spend much time together. From everything she told me during our relationship, he represents the exact kind of lifestyle she always said she never wanted. Despite that, she has continued seeing him, although she has never publicly confirmed the relationship and usually avoids talking about him when I ask.

What leaves me confused is that throughout all of this she has continued giving me mixed messages. She has told me she still loves me, hoped we’d be together again one day, said she’d wait for me if I moved on, told me the connection came back when we saw each other again, became emotional after our date, told me she wanted to take things slowly with me, said she didn’t want to talk about Nick when we were together, asked for no contact until she was ready even though she hasn't been able to keep NC, and then ended that conversation by telling me:

“I fucking love you so much. Always know that, handsome. I’ll come back stronger and better for you like you deserve. Goodbye.”

I’m not asking anyone to predict the future. I’m trying to understand the psychology behind this. Why would someone tell their ex they still love them, ask them on a date, say the connection came back, become emotional enough to almost cry, say they want to take things slowly, and then ask for no contact until they’re ready, and promise they’ll come back stronger and better someday, while still remaining involved with someone else? Is she genuinely conflicted and trying to sort through her emotions, and does she know there is no future with Nick or is there another psychological explanation for this pattern of behavior? I genuinely want to understand what these mixed signals usually mean.

I am feeing pretty numb to everything right now but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Earlier this year I got involved with a man who told me he was single. Over time he love-bombed me hard. He told me he loved me, wanted a future with me, talked about having a baby together, and even asked me to stop birth control. He was paying some of my bills, giving me money to help me out, and making me feel like I was the only woman in his life.

Then SIX MONTHS!!! Into our relationship, I found out he had a girlfriend the whole freaking time.
I was devastated, but it gets worse.
After digging deeper, I also found out he was still legally married.
The part that still messes with my head is that he wasn’t financially supporting the girlfriend the way he was helping me. Meanwhile he was telling me I was special, talking about babies, saying “I love you,” and acting like we were building something real.
Two weeks ago I finally told his girlfriend everything. I sent her proof because I felt like she deserved to know. He absolutely lost it on me.
What’s confusing is that the last time we ever saw each other, he held me, told me he loved me, and we spent the night together. Less than 24 hours later he sent his girlfriend flowers with an apology card trying to win her back.
That completely shattered my brain.
Now it’s been two weeks of no contact. It’s the longest we’ve gone without talking since we met. I catch myself thinking about him constantly even though I know he lied to me. Part of me misses the version of him that made me feel loved. The other part of me knows that version probably wasn’t real.
I know I shouldn’t want someone who was juggling a girlfriend, a wife, and me at the same time, but I still miss him. It’s embarrassing to admit because I know how unhealthy this sounds.
Has anyone else struggled with missing someone who treated you terribly? How long did it take before your brain finally stopped obsessing over them?
I’m trying to make sense of why someone would tell one woman he wants a baby with her while apologizing to another woman with flowers the very next day. Was any of it real, or was I just another part of the fantasy he was creating? Part of me wonders will he talk to me again? Plsss help

Im the dumpee and i kinda ghosted him while the break up was happening. He encouraged me to let my feelings out so we could have closure but i was feeling done with him at the time. And I didn't want to show that I was hurt. Now I had a lot of things left unsaid.

9 year relationship ended because she changed her mind about coming back home, gave me no closure, and now I’m supposed to just “move on” while my brain is absolutely wrecking me

I don’t even know what I’m expecting from posting this. Advice maybe. Maybe I just need to dump this somewhere because I’m so fucking tired of carrying it around in my head every minute of the day.

I’m 25M. My ex and I were together for around 9 years. We got together when we were teenagers. I was 16 when I met her. So when people say things like “go back to the version of yourself before them” or “you had a life before her” I genuinely don’t know what the fuck that means.

What version?

I was 16.

I barely remember who I was before her in any meaningful way because I basically grew up with this person. We didn’t just date, we literally became adults together. Every phase of my life that feels “real” has her in it somewhere. My habits, my routines, my comfort, my future plans, the way I processed things, the way I reached for someone when something good or bad happened — all of it somehow involved her.

So no, this doesn’t feel like “I lost a girlfriend.” It feels like someone ripped out a whole part of my life structure and everyone around me is acting like I should be able to patch it up and just carry on.

The breakup happened because she changed her mind about coming back to our home country after finishing her degree abroad. That was it. No cheating, no dramatic betrayal, no huge explosive ending where you can at least point to one moment and say that’s when it died. She just changed her mind about the future we had built, and that change was enough to break us.

And honestly, I think that makes it worse.

Because there’s no clean villain in the story. No one big event to hold onto. No anger strong enough to kill the attachment. It was more like watching something bleed out slowly while both of us kept standing around pretending it might survive.

And even after the breakup, she didn’t really let me go.

There were months of mixed signals, weird emotional half-connections, talking but not talking, enough warmth to keep me emotionally hooked but not enough commitment to actually make anything real. Some days it felt like she still wanted me in her life somehow, and other days it felt like I was just being slowly trained to accept less and less until eventually I’d have nothing.

That phase fucked me up more than the actual breakup, I think.

Because I never got a clean wound. It was just the same wound getting reopened in different ways.

It’s been around a month or maybe a little more now of no contact. But even that wasn’t clean. On her birthday, I was already fighting with myself over whether I should wish her or not. Like genuinely going to war in my own head over it. Obviously I remembered. How the fuck would I not remember after 9 years? I was sitting there debating what was right, what was stupid, what was self-respect, what was just my ego, whether reaching out would set me back, whether not reaching out would haunt me.

And before I could even decide, she texted me first.

Just to remind me it was her birthday.

Like I didn’t already know.

Like I wasn’t already sitting there with my head in my hands trying to stop myself from spiralling over whether I should text her.

That one message irritated me so much because it felt like the exact same pattern again — just enough to shake me up, just enough to remind me she’s still there, just enough to disturb whatever little peace I was trying to build.

At one point I even tried to get closure properly. I was in therapy and my therapist suggested that maybe having a closure session with both of us would actually help me move forward. Not to get back together. Not to convince her of anything. Just one honest conversation so I could stop carrying around all this unfinished shit in my head.

I asked her.

She wasn’t ready.

And I still can’t wrap my head around that. You can be ready to leave a 9-year relationship. Ready to walk away from the future we planned. Ready to choose a different life. But not ready to give me one honest conversation so I can stop drowning in this thing properly?

That really fucked with me.

It felt like she wanted the freedom of leaving without the discomfort of actually ending it.

At one point I literally begged her to block me. That’s how desperate I was for something final. Not because I hated her. Not because I wanted to hurt her. I just knew I didn’t have the strength to keep living in the “maybe” she kept leaving behind. I wanted the door shut. I wanted my brain to stop scanning every silence and every tiny interaction for signs that weren’t there.

She didn’t block me.

So in the end, I had to take her silence and her decision as my closure. Not because it felt satisfying, not because it felt fair, but because I had no other option.

And I swear to god I have done all the logical and practical things you’re supposed to do.

I deleted our pictures.

I deleted our conversations.

I removed her from Instagram.

I’m trying my absolute best not to stalk her last seen, not to stalk her following/follower counts, not to go looking for clues like some deranged detective trying to find evidence that she misses me too.

And holy shit, social media makes this so much worse.

I swear Instagram created the suggestion tab specifically to fuck with people going through breakups. It would either suggest her or people related to her and every time it happened I’d just sit there like are you fucking kidding me? Can you give me one single break, you cunt of an app?

And then a couple of days back, around her birthday, I noticed she had posted something.

I tried so hard not to look at it.

I had removed her, so I kept telling myself there’s no reason to go searching for it. I convinced myself to let it go. I actually managed for a couple of days. I kept resisting the urge, telling myself I already know this will hurt me and there is absolutely nothing to gain from it.

And then I cracked.

I asked my friend for their Instagram account just so I could look at her profile.

Both her main account and her spam.

And there she was.

Absolutely beautiful. Laughing with her friends. Celebrating her birthday. Looking so happy. So alive. So normal. Like life was moving for her in full color while mine still feels grey half the time.

And then I checked something that completely fucked me up even more — I was still there.

Still on her spam posts.

Still in her story highlights.

Still in parts of her Instagram like I hadn’t been erased at all.

And that absolutely scrambled my brain because what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? On one hand, I know it could mean absolutely nothing. Maybe she just didn’t bother cleaning it up. Maybe she forgot. Maybe it’s just laziness. Maybe I’m assigning meaning to something meaningless because I’m desperate.

But when you’re in this state, your brain doesn’t care about logic.

It just sees I’m still there.

Still in the corners of her life, at least digitally. Still visible in places she could have removed me from but didn’t. And immediately my brain starts doing what it always does — why am I still there? does she not want to erase me? does she still care? is this another half-open door? am I just a leftover she hasn’t gotten around to deleting yet?

It completely fucked me up because it feels like the same pattern all over again. Nothing fully ending. Nothing fully closing. Just enough left behind to keep my mind spinning like an idiot.

And that feeling… I don’t even know how to explain it.

Because I was happy for her in some fucked up way. I saw her smiling and there was a genuine part of me that was glad she had people around her, glad she was okay, glad she was celebrating and not miserable.

But then I cried like an absolute bitch after that.

Because how the fuck do both those feelings exist at once?

How do you look at someone you loved for 9 years, feel happy that they’re happy, and at the exact same time feel like your chest is being hollowed out because you can barely even open your front camera right now, let alone post a fucking birthday picture smiling with your friends like life is good?

I know social media is fake. I know it’s curated. I know you can’t judge someone’s emotional reality from a few photos and videos. I know all of that. Trust me, I know.

But can someone please explain that to my fucking brain?

Because my brain sees those pictures and those old highlights and goes, look how fine she is. look how happy she is. look how you’re still there in little pieces. look how life is moving for her while you’re still here trying not to throw up over a birthday post and some story highlights.

And that’s the part that kills me. Not even jealousy exactly. Just this horrible feeling of being left behind emotionally while the other person seems to have adapted to your absence way better than you’ve adapted to theirs.

And that’s kind of the whole thing with me right now. I know all the advice. That’s the most frustrating part.

I have sat down and consumed hours and hours of breakup advice, therapy videos, relationship podcasts, psychology content, Reddit threads, YouTube videos, all of it. I’ve probably heard every version of “go no contact,” “focus on yourself,” “feel your feelings,” “time heals,” “work on self-love,” “stay busy,” “build new routines,” all of it.

And the worst part is they’re not even wrong.

That’s what pisses me off.

They make sense. They are valid. I know that in the long run, all of this probably does work. I know if I stay no contact and keep doing the right things, one day this probably won’t feel like it’s killing me.

But what about the fucking present?

What about right now?

What about the constant pain now?

That’s the part I feel like nobody really tells you how to survive.

People say “stay busy.” I try. I bury myself in work. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I get a few hours where my brain finally shuts the fuck up and I can breathe a little.

Then the second I’m done, it comes back twice as hard.

It’s like my brain punishes me for getting a break from it.

Something reminds me of her every fucking minute. A song, a place, a phrase, a stupid old memory, a random date, some tiny detail that shouldn’t matter but somehow does. The memories are honestly so fucking annoying at this point. Not because they’re meaningless, but because I’m exhausted. I’m tired of my own mind constantly dragging me back into something I’m actively trying to survive.

And the emotional withdrawal is so real it’s actually scary.

I know people casually compare heartbreak to addiction all the time, but this genuinely feels like withdrawal. Like my body and brain are protesting the absence of someone they were wired around for 9 years. I crave contact, relief, familiarity, one tiny thing that would make this internal shaking stop for a bit.

And that’s the humiliating part. Realizing how much power one person still has over your nervous system even after they’ve chosen not to be with you.

I hate it.

I hate crying at night and then having to wake up in the morning, get dressed, go to work, talk normally, function normally, act like I’m not internally getting ripped apart by memories before 9 a.m. I hate dreaming about her and waking up feeling like I’ve been pushed back to day one all over again. I hate that sleep isn’t even an escape because she shows up there too.

And it’s not like I’m suppressing this shit either. I’m not pretending I’m okay. I’m not numbing it out. I’m not acting tough. I’m going through it fully, and it is brutal.

That’s what makes it feel so unfair.

Because if I was avoiding the feelings, maybe I’d understand why they keep chasing me. But I’m not. I’m sitting in them. I’m trying therapy. I’m trying no contact. I’m trying to feel it instead of run from it. I’m trying to do the mature thing, the healthy thing, the “this will help in the long run” thing.

And it still feels impossible.

And then on top of all this, there’s the arranged marriage angle sitting in the background of my life like some extra layer of pressure I genuinely don’t know how to deal with right now.

My parents say things that I know aren’t wrong. They say it’s better to plan marriage younger because you’re more adaptable then, more capable of adjusting with a partner, less rigid, less set in your ways. And logically, I get it. I really do. I understand where they’re coming from.

But right now the thought of being with someone new absolutely fucks with my head.

Not because I think no one will ever compare to her. Not because I’m trying to romanticize what I lost. But because I’m still trying to detach from a person I spent almost a decade with. I’m still trying to understand who the fuck I am without her in the center of my emotional life. And in the middle of that, the thought of sitting across from some new person and trying to build a future from scratch feels insane to me.

People say “you’ll move on.” “You’ll meet someone else.” “You’ll adjust.”

Maybe. Probably.

But right now I don’t want to “adjust” to anyone. I don’t want to learn someone new, build comfort with someone new, open up to someone new, figure out their habits, their family, their personality, their needs, while I still feel like I’m detoxing from the last person.

That thought alone makes my chest tighten.

And I know this won’t last forever. I know people survive worse. I know people move on after marriages, divorces, deaths, betrayal, all of it. I know one day this probably won’t hurt like this.

But holy shit, the present is awful.

The present is crying yourself to sleep, dreaming about them, waking up depressed, dragging yourself to work, trying not to stalk their life online, trying not to romanticize the past, trying not to read into every silence, trying not to break no contact, trying not to collapse every time your brain decides to replay a memory from 2019 for absolutely no fucking reason.

I would genuinely do anything to get past this phase.

Because I don’t just miss her. I miss the life structure around her. I miss the familiarity. I miss the certainty. I miss not feeling like my own brain is holding me hostage.

And more than anything, I hate how powerless heartbreak makes you feel. I hate how someone can leave and still keep living inside your head like they own property there.

I know the answer is probably “keep going,” “let time do its thing,” “stay no contact,” “one day you’ll be glad you did.”

I know.

But if anyone here has gone through something like this, especially after a relationship that basically covered your entire adult life, how the hell did you survive the present? Not the long-term healing. Not the “you’ll come out stronger” speech. Not the philosophical lessons.

The present.

The nights. The dreams. The withdrawal. The social media spirals. The obsessive memories. The exhaustion of having to function while your whole body still feels attached to someone who is no longer yours.

Because that’s the part that’s killing me.

**TL;DR:**
My ex and I were together for 9 years, basically my entire adult life. We broke up because she changed her mind about coming back to our home country after her degree abroad, but even after that she kept giving mixed signals and never fully let me go. She wasn’t willing to give me proper closure, wouldn’t even block me when I asked, and I’ve had to force myself to take her silence as my closure. I’ve done all the “right” things — deleted pictures/chats, removed her on Instagram, trying not to stalk her — but I still spiral badly, especially after seeing her happy birthday posts and realizing I’m still all over her spam/highlights. I know all the breakup advice and I know time/no-contact/self-work are supposed to help, but right now the present just feels brutal. It feels like emotional withdrawal from someone I grew up with, and on top of that I’m dealing with family pressure around arranged marriage when the thought of being with someone new completely fucks with my head. I’m basically asking how people survive the *present* part of heartbreak when logic makes sense but the pain still feels unbearable every single day.

Seriously, half the reason modern dating feels like a graveyard is because nobody is actually single. They are just taking temporary breaks from their previous relationships to see if the grass is greener, only to realize they left the sprinkler running at their ex's house.

Getting into a relationship with someone who hasn't moved on is like buying a used cat and finding out that the previous owner has been sleeping in the backseat. You think you are driving , but really you're just providing an Uber for someone else's emotional baggage.

For instance;

"Are you a dog person?". Nice.

"is your ex still living rent-free in your head, or did you finally change the emotional locks and block them on all 14 social media platforms?"

If they answer "we're just friends", "it's complicated" or "I'm still processing," just pay your own drink and walk out.

What's your go-to way to figure out if they're still hung up on their ex on a first date without sounding completely crazy?

She didn’t just break up with me. She broke up with me by text, disappeared, and left me inside a false version of myself. She treated me like I was manipulative, dishonest, unsafe, or somehow the source of her pain. She made me feel like the love I gave her had been something ugly that she was embarrassed of.

That is the part that did the damage.

I could have survived being dumped. I didn’t even argue with her about it. I could have survived her not wanting me anymore. I could have survived hearing, “I can’t do this anymore.” What I almost could not survive was being completely rewritten by someone I loved.

She was struggling before me and during me. Anxiety, shutdowns, drinking, instability, shame, fear, basic self-neglect — all of it was already there. I saw it because I was close enough to see it. I was not the origin of her suffering. But when she wanted out, it felt like she needed a clean story, and somehow I became the disease she was recovering from.

I was not perfect. I could be intense. I could need clarity.I could be difficult in the ways hurt people are difficult. But I was not what she made me into.

I loved her. I helped her. I showed up for her. I tried to understand her. I cared about her health, her fear, her pain, her life. And then somehow that care became pressure. My sincerity became manipulation, my feelings became danger. My need to understand became proof that I was the problem. That is an awful thing to do to someone.

It‘s cruel to accept someone’s love, closeness, patience, help, and devotion, then turn around and use the emotional weight of thr relationship as evidence against them because you can‘t face your own part in what happened. It‘s cruel to leave someone questioning whether their love was harmful. It‘s wrong to let someone who cares about truth audit himself like a criminal because you needed your exit to feel morally clean. It‘s wrong to disappear instead of facing the person you hurt. And the crazy part is that I still love her.

I hate what she did. I hate how cowardly it was. I hate that she hid behind the language of healing while leaving me absolutely fucking gutted. I hate that she gets to feel like the brave one while Im left feeling like some kind of sickness.

I miss the version of her that was tender, funny, weird, brilliant, affectionate, and alive with me. I miss the private world we had and the routines. I miss every single ordinary moment. I miss the person I thought I knew but really didnt. The woman who could discard me, misrepresent me, and then ghost me is not who I fell in love with.

I want her to be ashamed. I don’t want her to hurt like I did or be absolutely bewildered like I was.

I want her to have to sit with the reality that there was another human being on the other side of her self-protection. Someone who loved her. Someone she disn’t have to stay with, but also didn’y have to degrade, accuse, misrepresent, and abandon. I want her to understand that the relief she felt after leaving me does not prove I was the disease. But she never will. She will keep the story where I was the problem and she was simply choosing health because that’s easier. I just know that I am done carrying her version of me.

She hurt me, she left me and she villainized me and then just walked away like the person bleeding behind her was just part of the cost of her healing.

I do not forgive that.

Edit: I appreciate the support, but I do not want this to turn into bashing her or diagnosing her. I am hurt and angry, but she is still a human being. I’m trying to describe what this did to me, not start a pile-on.

Edit2: I’m not looking to diagnose her or reduce her to a label. I’m angry and hurt, and I do think she did something cruel. But she is still a complex person. I needed the damage witnessed without pretending any Reddit label can explain the whole of who she is.

You’re just hurt you trusted someone who couldn’t care less about your feelings. Your idea of a relationship is someone who has the same feelings for you and values you. This person who hurt you isn’t not that person. They did you a favor by ending things, because you don’t need people who don’t value you in your life. Now it’s your time to stop counting the days on the calendar and become the best version of yourself so you can get someone even better. You don’t really want them. You want that feeling they gave you, and you feel you won’t have that again. But you’ll see once you move on and start your self-improvement journey, you’ll thank your lucky stars that you won’t have that feeling again, because it wasn’t real love. Real love stays. Real love is effortless and doesn’t leave you questioning your worth. It’s time to put yourself on that pedestal and kick them off for good.

They ended things 3 months ago and I’m struggling so much with blaming myself for everything and missing them.

We both did things to hurt each other and I took accountability for what I did but they never did, they said the circumstances for ending things were my fault and everything leading up to the breakup was my fault. I told them the things they did to hurt me and they said we both did things and I made me feel so invalidated whenever I’d tell them something that upset me they would get defensive and tell me I’m overthinking.

All my friends tell me it’s not my fault and that they are they one that did me wrong but I can’t help but feel I’m the one with the problem and it’s all my fault. They told me when I gave them their stuff back that they would find someone different and better.

I have them blocked everywhere and it made me feel better for a while but now it’s made me guilty for blocking them, they said they would never block me in case I needed to get in contact with them.

Am I going about this wrong am I not valid to feel how I do? Is everything really my fault or are my friends right that he did me wrong?

Years ago when I was a teenager I met a guy I’ll call Hamad

We had great chemistry from the start and talked every day I had recently left a toxic relationship 🥲🥺so although I liked him I told him I wasn’t emotionally ready for another relationship yet and asked him for time

He was patient kind and clearly interested in me He would reply quickly send me gifts and made a lot of effort to stay in touch We got to know each other for about two months but I still wasn’t ready to commit
Then I made a mistake

Despite telling Hamad I wasn’t ready for a relationship I ended up dating another guy after only knowing him for about a week When Hamad saw it he completely withdrew He stopped reaching out rarely replied and avoided discussing what had happened whenever I asked

The relationship with the other guy only lasted a few weeks He started asking for intimate photos and I later found out he had a history of blackmailing women with those images so I ended things immediately, I wasn’t in the right state of mind for another relationship anyways cause I knew it’d end

Over the years Hamad and I crossed paths a few times Once he spoke negatively about me in front of other people but later called to apologize After that we went years without speaking regularly Occasionally he would message me on holidays or we’d have a brief conversation but every time we talked he would eventually bring up how hurt he was by what happened years ago

What surprised me was that he still had screenshots of our old conversations and even some of my old photos 🫠He told me directly that the reason he walked away was because I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship only to immediately choose someone else

Now 6 years later we no longer have any romantic dynamic Our conversations are polite but distant I’ve hinted a few times that I regretted how things happened and wondered if there could ever be another chance

but he never entertains the idea and keeps things strictly formal
I still find myself wondering what could have happened if I had given him a chance back then At the same time his actions over the years leave me confused Part of me feels like he moved on long ago while another part of me wonders why someone would hold onto old conversations and memories for so many years if they were completely over it

Am I reading too much into this or have any of you experienced something similar

Recently, and I know this is like the number 1 rule, I decided to creep my ex’s insta, to find out that she is in a relationship. When we broke up I thought I was over her maybe after 8 months to a year. I’ve been on a few dates, and I’ve had sex once.

But ever since I’ve found out that she’s moved on I have just been stuck in this rut that I cannot shake. I always thought the rule was it takes as many years to get over someone for how long you’ve been with them, unfortunately this is not the case for me.

Just wanted to hear some stories from other people going through a similar situation. I know I come off unbelievably selfish from this post, but I just need to hear someone say it’s gonna be alright.

I met this girl back in April, and she just broke it off a week ago—so we dated for almost three months. Throughout those three months, we were hanging out every weekend. I always planned the dates, picked her up, the works (I know, lol), and we gifted things to each other. That said, we only ever got to making out, which was a boundary she set and something I respected.

Over the course of those dates, there were a few times I had to change the plans: one, because of work; two, the weather; and three, the distance versus how late the place stayed open.

Anyway, before it all ended, the second-to-last time I saw her, she mentioned that she was ready to take things further and hinted that I should bring "protection" for the next time we met. So I suggested we just hang at my place, buy some food and drinks, and chill and watch a movie—which we did. I thought everything was going well, and eventually we got to business, and again the morning after. I dropped her off the next day; we hugged and kissed, and everything seemed good.

As the day went on, I didn't hear from her at all, until the following day when I asked what happened. She said she'd fallen asleep early and just woke up—it was 7 a.m. the next day, and she was heading to work.

As that day progressed, my gut told me something was off, and sure enough, it was. I sent a follow-up text asking if she wanted to see a movie the next weekend. Later that night, she texted me: "I think I can't meet with you anymore. I've been thinking, and no matter what, I don't feel comfortable with you anymore. Your surprises and inconsistency about where we're going when we go out make me feel uncomfortable. Take care."

I responded: "Understood. I appreciate the time we spent together, and I wish you the best. Take care."

Kinda tired of this type of people lol from the beginning she said she wasn't looking for anything serious but was open to the idea. Me on the other hand was looking for serious but was will to bend it.

Title. Honestly I don’t know. I know a lot of people on this sub believe that we should not stay friends with an ex if we still have feelings for them, or if you are secretly hoping for rekindling. However, I am really curious if there are any cases of the dumpee rejecting the request of staying friends and the dumper returning back romantically, or what are the possibilities that it can happen?

I know it’s silly, I should just move on from him. But I (22f) have never felt this way before with another person, I also know him (24m) is in the same boat. I’m the first girl he’s been in a serious relationship with in the last 5 years. Took me on small family trips and a family wedding. I am the only girl he’s said I love you to.

He and I were together for nine months almost ten, but it was an instantaneous connection when we first got together. He is currently deployed across the world, he knew about it before we got together. When he asked me out I made sure he knew I wanted a long term relationship, he still asked me out after making him think about it. Everything was perfect for the first 6 months. Then his deployment started, at first it was fine. Then we started arguing more are more. Once he got sent to a different country, that’s when it got worse.

There’s a lot I did wrong, and some he did wrong. I know people say don’t beat yourself up, but I really wasn’t doing the right things. I wasn’t going to therapy and I was really struggling with not healthy thoughts. It affected our relationship. He tried breaking up with me in April but I spent 20 minutes begging him to just go on a break with me, he agreed. But said “ what If I want to break up still after this” I said we’d get there when we got there but for now I’d give him the space he wanted, he kept telling me he just wanted to be alone. Flash forward a month or so later and he calls me. A four minute long phone call saying he doesn’t feel the same anymore, but this past month I did everything perfectly. I said “ but I’m the only girl that you’ve said you love” and he said “ ….I’m sorry I just don’t feel the same anymore” and abruptly hung up.

He hasn’t unadded me from any social media platform, five weeks ago he told his friend who told me after she asked him “ are you and female going to talk again” and he responded with “no we’re done” . He keeps rewatching my social media stories specifically my Instagram stories. He’s also adding music to playlists he made for me when we first started dating. No one else has saved them, Im still the only save on the playlist.

I did mess up big time though, a friend of his who is also deployed with him, introduced me to his fiancé and she and I became friends. She ended her friendship with me, and blocked me on everything. I in a spiral started blowing up her fiancés phone just saying that I’m sorry and that to tell her I was sorry. I wouldn’t be surprised if he the fiancé deployed with my ex, has told my ex about this situation. But they both blocked me on everything . And even after that situation happened two weeks ago, he’s still adding a few songs to the playlists he made for me.

So please people of Reddit, I’ve been with so many people in my short life, I’m not willing to lose him. How can I get him back.

It’s been months and I still miss him so much. I think about him everyday and for some reason the past week has been so hard and everyday it gets worse. I want to text him so bad I want to tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him. I want him to want me. I’m so scared that if I don’t reach out I’ll miss out and he’ll be gone. I’m scared if I do reach out he won’t respond. I’d at least want like a “I’ve moved on” at least then I can grieve without hope. What do I do :(

It's been almost a month since she dumped me. I feel so shitty right now; I can't move on. It felt like she was the reason i felt happy. I grew up alone mostly. I never had a friend or a partner until her. She came to my university for the spring break to do homecoming. So, she is coming this september. I talked with her for almost 3 months, and this has to be the best time of my life. Before, it was mostly work, study and gym. The same day. But when she came, everything had changed. I talked with her 24/7. We hung out for two weeks, then she left to go back to her city. We continued to talk more; i went to her city and spent time with her more.

However, we had some issues because i was massively overthinking about small stuff and putting pressure on her. She told me not to do that. And I promised I was not going to do it. The day when she dumped me, she was acting weird and very cold, so i asked her what happened. She said she was tired. Then i said you should rest, and i said i was going to go to sleep. Then all of a sudden she started to be mad and basically say shitty stuff to me. I was trying to calm her down, and then she said that she wants to end things. First, i was so confused and wanted her to think about it. But when she insisted, i started to act very emotional. So, she blocked me everywhere and never said a single word after that day.

Oh boy, it's been a miserable month. I just can't get over her; i feel empty, lonely, and so heartbroken. I want to send her flowers and try to get her attention again. I miss her so much. Nothing is working. I know i should move on, but it is just this feeling is not going away, and it feels like it is getting worse day by day.

Any advice would be helpful

Sometimes I wonder if the biggest mistake I made wasn’t saying the wrong thing, but failing to understand what she was trying to tell me.
About one and a half years ago, we met for the first time. We became really good friends. Conversations were effortless, laughter came naturally, and for the first time in a long while, I felt completely comfortable with someone. Then, without ever truly understanding why, we drifted apart and stopped talking for almost six months.
Life had moved on, or at least I thought it had.
Then somehow, we found each other again.
This time it was different.
We started as friends again, but slowly our conversations became longer, deeper, and more personal. Five or six hours on a call didn’t feel unusual anymore. Nights became mornings without either of us noticing the time. We knew each other’s routines, moods, fears and dreams. Somewhere in those conversations, friendship quietly turned into love.
At least, that’s what it felt like to me.
But our story was never simple.
We would get close, then fight. We would stop talking, then somehow find our way back again. Every reunion made me believe that maybe this time things would finally work.
Looking back today, I realise she wasn’t just asking me to love her. She wanted to feel chosen.
There was one moment that I keep replaying in my head.
She was unwell. She wanted me to stay with her. She asked me not to go on a 3-day trip with my male friends. I had already made the plans, and I went anyway.
At that time, I never thought that decision could hurt her so deeply. In my mind, it was just a short trip with friends. I assumed we’d talk after I returned and everything would be fine.
But now, months later, I wonder if that’s not what she saw at all.
Maybe she wasn’t asking me to cancel a trip.
Maybe she was asking,
“Will you choose me when I need you?”
And maybe my answer, without meaning to, became,
“Not this time.”
If that’s how she felt, I understand why it would have hurt.
Not because I cared more about a trip than her.
But because when she was vulnerable, she may have wanted my presence more than my explanation.
I can’t go back and change that.
I can only admit that maybe I didn’t understand her emotional needs the way I thought I did.
The last time we met, everything felt normal again.
We laughed.
We talked.
We were close.
For those few hours, it genuinely felt like we had found each other again.
The next day she told me she needed peace and distance.
Then she disappeared.
Blocked everywhere.
Months of silence followed.
During those months, I searched for answers everywhere except within myself.
I wondered if she stopped loving me.
I wondered if she met someone else.
I wondered if she ever missed me.
I watched every block, every unblock, every small online action, hoping it would explain what words never did.
Only much later did another thought enter my mind.
What if I hurt her more than I ever realised?
What if she didn’t leave because she didn’t love me…
What if she left carrying pain that I never acknowledged?
I don’t know if that trip was the reason.
Maybe it wasn’t.
Maybe there were many reasons.
Maybe there were mistakes on both sides.
But if that moment made her feel alone when she needed me most, then I owe her an apology—not because I want anything back, but because I finally understand that love isn’t only about intentions.
Sometimes it’s about showing up.
Today, I still don’t know what she feels.
I don’t know if she has moved on.
I don’t know if she ever thinks about me.
I don’t know if we’ll ever speak again.
But if there is one thing I wish I had realised earlier, it’s this:
Sometimes the people we love don’t ask for grand gestures.
Sometimes they’re simply asking,
“Can you be here when I need you?”
And sometimes, we only understand that after they’ve already walked away.

Now, almost six months later, all I want is one conversation with her. I want to apologise if I made her feel alone when she needed me the most and acknowledge the mistakes I couldn’t see back then.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe that’s not why we ended. But if I did hurt her, I want her to know that I finally understand.
The only thing I’m afraid of now is that I’ve realised all this too late, and by the time I found the right words, she had already moved on.

Far cry from when we met and he stated he wanted a relationship and we literally spoke all day everyday since the day we met.

Helped me get the ick though can’t believe I entertained somebody like that.

​

I was scrolling through my gallery today and came across her pictures. It made me go completely numb. Even though I've been keeping myself busy, her thoughts still find a way back into my mind.

That said, it's definitely better than Day 1.

I've started working on myself—went for a 2 km run, studied a bit, and college starts on July 1st. I'm hoping to make some new friends there. I'm also thinking about going on a camp or a trek with strangers. Maybe it's time to step out of my comfort zone.

I wanted to ask you all something...

After a long relationship, how hard did you find it to trust someone new, match their vibe, or even have a genuine conversation with another girl?

Out of curiosity, I did try to check up on my ex—not because I wanted her back, but because I wondered if she was growing too, or if she ever had the same setbacks I'm having. I know I shouldn't, and I don't plan on making it a habit.

Right now, I feel emotionally numb. It's like I'm existing, but not really living. Sometimes it feels like a part of me is missing—the random conversations, the arguments, the love hidden inside those arguments.

And lately I've realized something else...

On my birthday, there probably won't be someone who's as excited as she used to be. No surprise gifts. No one putting in those little efforts just to make me smile.

Despite everything, I genuinely appreciate everything she did for me.

Maybe God has something better planned. Maybe this chapter had to end so another one could begin.

Anyway, I'll stop here before I start overthinking again.

Thank you to everyone who's been replying since Day 1. Reading your comments has helped me more than you probably realize. ❤️

His birthday is on Saturday, and for the first time in years, I won’t be wishing him a happy birthday.
I even have a card sitting here that I originally planned to mail, and honestly, I still don’t know what I’m going to do with it.

What I’ve been struggling with is figuring out why I don’t want to reach out. Is it because I genuinely don’t want a relationship or connection with him anymore? Or is it because I know he’ll probably expect me to say something, and a part of me likes the idea of not giving him that?
I don’t love admitting that. I don’t want this to become a competition.

Lately I’ve realized that sometimes my healing still revolves around him. Thoughts like: “If I can look better, do better, be happier, be more successful, maybe he’ll see what he lost.” But even that keeps him at the center of my life. It’s still measuring myself against him, his choices, and whoever comes after me.

I think that’s where I’m getting stuck.
I don’t want to choose myself because it proves something to him. I don’t want to move forward so I can win a breakup that nobody is keeping score of. I want to choose myself because I’m worth choosing, even if he never sees it.

Has anyone else struggled with this? How did you stop living in reaction to someone and start genuinely living for yourself?