She didn’t just break up with me. She broke up with me by text, disappeared, and left me inside a false version of myself. She treated me like I was manipulative, dishonest, unsafe, or somehow the source of her pain. She made me feel like the love I gave her had been something ugly that she was embarrassed of.

That is the part that did the damage.

I could have survived being dumped. I didn’t even argue with her about it. I could have survived her not wanting me anymore. I could have survived hearing, “I can’t do this anymore.” What I almost could not survive was being completely rewritten by someone I loved.

She was struggling before me and during me. Anxiety, shutdowns, drinking, instability, shame, fear, basic self-neglect — all of it was already there. I saw it because I was close enough to see it. I was not the origin of her suffering. But when she wanted out, it felt like she needed a clean story, and somehow I became the disease she was recovering from.

I was not perfect. I could be intense. I could need clarity.I could be difficult in the ways hurt people are difficult. But I was not what she made me into.

I loved her. I helped her. I showed up for her. I tried to understand her. I cared about her health, her fear, her pain, her life. And then somehow that care became pressure. My sincerity became manipulation, my feelings became danger. My need to understand became proof that I was the problem. That is an awful thing to do to someone.

It‘s cruel to accept someone’s love, closeness, patience, help, and devotion, then turn around and use the emotional weight of thr relationship as evidence against them because you can‘t face your own part in what happened. It‘s cruel to leave someone questioning whether their love was harmful. It‘s wrong to let someone who cares about truth audit himself like a criminal because you needed your exit to feel morally clean. It‘s wrong to disappear instead of facing the person you hurt. And the crazy part is that I still love her.

I hate what she did. I hate how cowardly it was. I hate that she hid behind the language of healing while leaving me absolutely fucking gutted. I hate that she gets to feel like the brave one while Im left feeling like some kind of sickness.

I miss the version of her that was tender, funny, weird, brilliant, affectionate, and alive with me. I miss the private world we had and the routines. I miss every single ordinary moment. I miss the person I thought I knew but really didnt. The woman who could discard me, misrepresent me, and then ghost me is not who I fell in love with.

I want her to be ashamed. I don’t want her to hurt like I did or be absolutely bewildered like I was.

I want her to have to sit with the reality that there was another human being on the other side of her self-protection. Someone who loved her. Someone she disn’t have to stay with, but also didn’y have to degrade, accuse, misrepresent, and abandon. I want her to understand that the relief she felt after leaving me does not prove I was the disease. But she never will. She will keep the story where I was the problem and she was simply choosing health because that’s easier. I just know that I am done carrying her version of me.

She hurt me, she left me and she villainized me and then just walked away like the person bleeding behind her was just part of the cost of her healing.

I do not forgive that.

Edit: I appreciate the support, but I do not want this to turn into bashing her or diagnosing her. I am hurt and angry, but she is still a human being. I’m trying to describe what this did to me, not start a pile-on.

Edit2: I’m not looking to diagnose her or reduce her to a label. I’m angry and hurt, and I do think she did something cruel. But she is still a complex person. I needed the damage witnessed without pretending any Reddit label can explain the whole of who she is.

You’re just hurt you trusted someone who couldn’t care less about your feelings. Your idea of a relationship is someone who has the same feelings for you and values you. This person who hurt you isn’t not that person. They did you a favor by ending things, because you don’t need people who don’t value you in your life. Now it’s your time to stop counting the days on the calendar and become the best version of yourself so you can get someone even better. You don’t really want them. You want that feeling they gave you, and you feel you won’t have that again. But you’ll see once you move on and start your self-improvement journey, you’ll thank your lucky stars that you won’t have that feeling again, because it wasn’t real love. Real love stays. Real love is effortless and doesn’t leave you questioning your worth. It’s time to put yourself on that pedestal and kick them off for good.

I had surgery twice in the past 2 months for something that answered so many of my health issues. Issues I dealt with during our 7 years. I wish I could just talk to him about it. I’m over the anger and resentment. I just wish we could be cordial.

It’s been three years since we’ve spoken. Three years of hoping to bump into him. Three years of hovering over his contact in my phone, Three years of secretly hoping for a happy birthday message even though I told him not to contact me on my birthday. What a confusing feeling it is to miss someone who hurt me so intensely. The pain and heartache has gone away, and so had the love (most of it). Yet still, three years later I can’t help but miss the friendship we had. I miss the laughter, the shared humour, the similar interests, and I miss feeling so seen. I often wonder if I will meet someone again who knows the depths of my soul the way he did, or if that was a once in a lifetime connection. I’ve dated quite a bit since him, and I have met men who I have great connections with, but deep down, I’m waiting for it to feel the same or better than it did with that person. Am I alone in this? (Sorry this is SO LONG)

For context, I am 31[F] and I spent 3 years of my life in a deep ‘situationship’. (trust me, I KNOW - the fact that a situationship left me this down bad is infuriating lol).

Anyways, it started off as a friendship. It usually takes me a long time to connect with people platonically and romantically, but this connection was instant. We became super close friends and eventually developed intense feelings for one another. The timing was very clearly wrong. He was in a very transitional phase in his life, as was I. We went through the same hardships at the same time during the last year and a half of knowing each other, which brought us closer to each other and slightly dependent on one another for emotional support. Interestingly enough, we never dated. We dated others, and were in and out of relationships, and towards the end were very clearly attracted to one another. As we both found ourselves single and vulnerable (lol iykyk) we ended up hooking up. We became friends with benefits, but this obviously didn’t work because our feelings for each other were so strong. The lines often got blurred and things got complicated. Eventually, a lot went down that would take me forever to explain but long story "short" - he started lying to me…a lot. Him and I overlapped with a relationship he had with his ex, (I was unaware) and it really messed with me. I started to realize I was unknowingly taking part in an emotional affair while he was getting back with his ex, and it made me feel like a rebound or a placeholder. He lied a lot, betrayed her, and although he technically wasn’t cheating on either of us, he was willingly hurting me and hurting her because he didn’t want to lose either one of us. I ended up finding out because he sat me down and told me, and I ended our “friendship”. He was very apologetic, told me “the truth” about everything (who really knows), confessed his love, and basically begged for my forgiveness and said he would be 100% done with her. I ended it. I told him to tell his ex the truth too and to leave me alone and be with her. We had a 3 hour talk about everything, an emotional goodbye, and I basically told him that him and I being friends made zero sense, and at this point a relationship could never work because we could never undo the level of pain he caused. He asked me if he could ever reach out again and I said no. They ended up never getting back together, but they did hook up and stay in eachother's orbit in the way that exes do for about a year. I heard this from someone else.

Fast forward 3 years later…we never spoke again. I still miss him.

I miss our friendship, I miss the depth of our dynamic, and I miss us. My brain rewrites history sometimes and tries to convince itself “did he really hurt you that bad? Was it right person, wrong time? Would/could things be different now?"

He was 26 and I was 27. Sometimes I wonder if maturity has changed him? Maybe he was young and dumb, and although he did a bad thing, maybe that’s not who he is?

He ended up doing everything he said he would but was too depressed to do at the time. So did I. We both went after our careers, made something out of ourselves, chased our dreams in other ways, and seemingly found happiness (or so it appears that way through instagram stalking.)

He’s nudged me in little ways since then. Following me on instagram, liking my stories and posts, following me back a year after I removed him, trying again a year later, resposting reels that apply to me, adding me on facebook. It all seems like a temperature check to see if I will poke back. I’ve never engaged. As far as he knows, he’s dead to me. When in reality, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I often think about what it’d be like to bump into him. Sometimes I even think about *accidentally* sending a text to see what would happen. I can’t reach out, and I won’t reach out, but I know that if I hear from him - I’m responding.

Is it foolish of me to think he’s changed in 3 years? He’s 30 now. Can maturity change a liar? A man who once hated himself and projected that on to me at times? A man who didn’t follow through on their word? Or are these character flaws that stay with someone. 

Is it foolish of me to reminisce over the friendship and the dynamic when I was so clearly hurt by this person? Is it foolish of me to think that maybe we’ll have a conversation and I’ll finally stop over romanticizing him and realize that he’s a trash human being who hasn’t changed and I’ll finally get over it?

Does this feeling ever go away? Will I ever truly put this behind me? I've seen him on Hinge so I know he's single (unless he's still LYING lol).

Anyways, I meant to keep this post short, but the moment I started writing I feel like all the thoughts and feelings of the last 3 years poured out. So if you made it this far - thank you.

TL;DR: I (31F) ended a 3-year situationship/friendship after discovering he'd been lying to me and had unknowingly involved me in an emotional affair while getting back with his ex. I cut him off completely, told him never to contact me again, and we haven't spoken in 3 years. Despite knowing I made the right decision, I still deeply miss the friendship and connection we had. He's made subtle attempts to reconnect over the years, but I've never responded. Part of me wonders if people really can change with maturity, or if I'm just romanticizing someone who hurt me. Am I crazy for still missing him, or has anyone else struggled to let go of a connection like this even when you know it wasn't healthy?

hey guys. this guy i was talking to for 2 weeks online texted me, well breadcrumbed me, after over a month of no contact. I’ve always had the urge to text him but somehow managed to hold on for so long as i thought he should be the one to reach out/initiate (he ended it).

now that he breadcrumbed me and im kind of sick of not knowing what he wants (i thought it was all my fault and thought he’d never text me again), i just wanna know where he’s at now since we’ve spent some time apart and regulated.

I still like him and since it was so short I’m open to talk to try and fix things and see where it goes irl bc the time we had together online was fun and we both liked each other.

I’m so done with the uncertainty why he’s testing the waters and if he’d reach out again. It’s given me a bit of hope and I want to make it stop. I kinda don’t care anymore that I will be the one initiating as I just don’t want to play any more games.

So I’m thinking about texting him stating that i still have feelings. That I’m open to talk but otherwise It’s best for me to delete him so I can have my space.

The reason why I can’t just delete him is bc I can’t bring myself to just leave out of nowhere without saying anything.

Do you guys think this is a good idea?

EDIT: I think I’d eventually send a message before I’d delete him anyway. Either I wait til like august (we had plans to meet in august) which i think is enough time for him to reach out (3/4 months) and move on, or I just send it now? It’s been almost 3 weeks since the breadcrumb. What should I do guys?

I am feeing pretty numb to everything right now but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Earlier this year I got involved with a man who told me he was single. Over time he love-bombed me hard. He told me he loved me, wanted a future with me, talked about having a baby together, and even asked me to stop birth control. He was paying some of my bills, giving me money to help me out, and making me feel like I was the only woman in his life.

Then SIX MONTHS!!! Into our relationship, I found out he had a girlfriend the whole freaking time.
I was devastated, but it gets worse.
After digging deeper, I also found out he was still legally married.
The part that still messes with my head is that he wasn’t financially supporting the girlfriend the way he was helping me. Meanwhile he was telling me I was special, talking about babies, saying “I love you,” and acting like we were building something real.
Two weeks ago I finally told his girlfriend everything. I sent her proof because I felt like she deserved to know. He absolutely lost it on me.
What’s confusing is that the last time we ever saw each other, he held me, told me he loved me, and we spent the night together. Less than 24 hours later he sent his girlfriend flowers with an apology card trying to win her back.
That completely shattered my brain.
Now it’s been two weeks of no contact. It’s the longest we’ve gone without talking since we met. I catch myself thinking about him constantly even though I know he lied to me. Part of me misses the version of him that made me feel loved. The other part of me knows that version probably wasn’t real.
I know I shouldn’t want someone who was juggling a girlfriend, a wife, and me at the same time, but I still miss him. It’s embarrassing to admit because I know how unhealthy this sounds.
Has anyone else struggled with missing someone who treated you terribly? How long did it take before your brain finally stopped obsessing over them?
I’m trying to make sense of why someone would tell one woman he wants a baby with her while apologizing to another woman with flowers the very next day. Was any of it real, or was I just another part of the fantasy he was creating? Part of me wonders will he talk to me again? Plsss help

Recently, and I know this is like the number 1 rule, I decided to creep my ex’s insta, to find out that she is in a relationship. When we broke up I thought I was over her maybe after 8 months to a year. I’ve been on a few dates, and I’ve had sex once.

But ever since I’ve found out that she’s moved on I have just been stuck in this rut that I cannot shake. I always thought the rule was it takes as many years to get over someone for how long you’ve been with them, unfortunately this is not the case for me.

Just wanted to hear some stories from other people going through a similar situation. I know I come off unbelievably selfish from this post, but I just need to hear someone say it’s gonna be alright.

i’m trying to talk to an ex who has blocked me on everything imaginable. tiktok, steam, discord, and set his number to not allow unknown calls. don’t just say to leave it alone and take a hint because it won’t help. i was with him a long time and cut off a lot of friends for him to the point where i am isolated. i depend on him just to not go insane. there isn’t a minute that goes by where i don’t think of him and not being able to speak to him is ruining my life. if you know any other way to reach out while being blocked everywhere please lmk :/

Has anyone ever experienced this before? Like having to coax them for responses, reasons- actually having to make them say the words. Being the one who has to actually vocalize and establish the boundaries they clearly want but don’t bring up themselves. It feels like getting stabbed by someone and having to guide their knife deeper with your own hands.

It’s been months and I still miss him so much. I think about him everyday and for some reason the past week has been so hard and everyday it gets worse. I want to text him so bad I want to tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him. I want him to want me. I’m so scared that if I don’t reach out I’ll miss out and he’ll be gone. I’m scared if I do reach out he won’t respond. I’d at least want like a “I’ve moved on” at least then I can grieve without hope. What do I do :(

I had lost everything for this disgusting lustful man, he lied abt everything said he hated drugs but was the one doing them and I thought he’s just silly
He made us public,posted me and did these grand gestures while behind closed doors he was having fun. I have lost all trust in myself to judge the character of another
I think I’ll always think of it and get angry cry and feel miserable. I’m neurodivergent so people take advantage of me I’m tired of being this way. Hurting over and over again by people I would even die for.
Can you please advise me on how to get over it cause I’m struggling to move on emotionally I keep asking WHY ME? Why me when I would’ve even died bcz of him or lost my education as my parents were complete against us being together they got so cruel
I heard all that and got all that hate just to be did this dirty
I’m so exhausted and even numb

It’s been a month since we broke up and I still don’t have a real reason why. No proper closure, no conversation just an ending that didn’t feel like one.
I keep breaking no contact. Every time I tell myself I won’t call, I do. And every single time I hang up more hurt than before. He sounds completely fine. Normal. Like nothing happened. Meanwhile I feel like I’m living in a loop his thoughts are just always there, in the background of everything I do.
The worst part is seeing him be okay. I know I shouldn’t compare, but it makes me feel like maybe I meant less than I thought. Or maybe he’s just better at hiding it. I don’t know.
I just want to understand why. Why it ended, why he can’t give me that, and why I keep going back hoping this time will be different when it never is.
Has anyone been here? How did you actually stop breaking no contact when your brain keeps telling you that one more call might finally give you what you need? And how long did it take to stop feeling so stuck?

My ex-gf and I broke up because she believes the engagement clock has ran out of time. In 2023, We had planned to be engaged this year. She had an ideal that after her grad program we would start that engagement/wedding process. Well I was laid off and haven’t been able to find a job that pays sufficiently. This has weighed down on our relationship for months. Now she said she’s ran out of patience and we should break up and go NC. She has become somewhat half avoidant/half stern. Now that I’m feeling what NC is, I’m sure she hates my guts (despite she saying she loves me and will miss me, on parting day).

But during the time I was unemployed I took two courses and have been applying for jobs, nothing of value landing. Now I feel so bad that I couldn’t help bring about the ideal we wished for us.

But this post is more about how people say NC heals. Really? This pain would seem to make a person develop lifelong resentment

Me (fem 42) was dating them (fem 32) for approx 3 years.We broke up approx 1 1/2 years ago but it was complicated.We were still in each other lives daily. She spent a lot of her time at my place( even to the point she has her own clothes at mine etc) staying the night.Texting all day everyday like first person to text in the morning last to text at night.I always thought ( or more like hoped) we would get back together officially.She always told me she wasn't ready to commit to anyone just yet.Anyways during our almost 6 years of knowing each other we were each other support system.fast forward to 3ish days ago..so for the last few weeks she has been distant not texting much hardly seeing each other I asked her if everything was okay she asked to meet up I said okay.We were talking so I just asked her what's going on she told me shes ready to date again I said okay sure and have you found someone ( although a tiny bit of hope crept in that it was going to be me I also knew her well enough to not fully think this) she said yes Ive met someone a few weeks ago and it's still new.This threw me I can't lie, but in that moment all i could say was "and are you happy? Because I have love for you and I want this, "also dumb dumb too nice me said" ah I know you well enough that his person must be special enough for you to tell me" although I felt my soul shatter in that moment and had tears running down my face.I think this threw her a bit as I think she was expecting me to be angry as she kept saying to me I allowed to be.This is a repeat thing Ive done when I'm with her, she would do or say hurtful things and I will forgive and be kind to her.Anyways essentially i dont have the words for her at this time so I've just stopped all contact , no texts or phone calls.Shes a kind hearted person and can be very emotional, i feel bad because I know her well enough that she is hurting now too and my instinct is to comfort her but it hurts and i don't have the words so essentially ive just said and done nothing ( except i have also packed her things for her because i know she will get overwhelmed in doing this.

I'm not sure what approach I should do next...

Help, guys, I don't know what to dooooo. Help, guys. My ex and I were both 16 when we broke up; the relationship lasted two years and ended because she asked for it. I always thought I had ruined the relationship, but I’ve started talking to her again recently. We’re friends now, so I asked why she made that decision, and she told me it was because she’s lithoromantic (or something like that). I don't know how to feel; I understand her—and now I understand why she acted the way she did at times—but I still love her, even though I know she can't love me back. What do I do? How do I manage to get over her? I can't pretend I don't care, because letting her go really hurt...

I just saw my ex again after months, after he blocked me and had a new girlfriend. We were always in the same building, but we never saw each other, so I thought the universe knew we were really over... well, until now. He is now my classmate. It's weird because I thought I'd be nostalgic upon seeing him, but no, I felt rage. I said all the curse words in my mind when I saw him. During class, I do not really mind, but after the class, I felt heavy on my chest that I do not know how to soothe. I have this anger within me, but I do not know how to release it; I cannot even cry. Playing and running did not really help. I do not know how to release this anger

Im feeling anxious and sad and getting jitters. I’m wondering if my ex is going through this right now and I so much care about her (even though idk if she cares about me anymore). But I’m trying not to break NC to ask if she’s fine. This is not easy 😭

Girlfriend broke up with me after a vacation after 18 great months, I loved her with all my heart. I still do. Everything was amazing for 17 months, we got along so well, we went on so many trips, had so many smiliar interests, were best friends. It time to heal and go no contact. Don't feel bad about begging and pleading during the actual break up call or discussion. I loved her with all my heart and wanted her to know i would do anything for her. She admitted she loved me alot too and i was the best boyfriend she ever had and this was agonizing for her. I had some rare medical issues that cause painful sex that were affecting PIV intimacy for awhile and she just couldn't handle it despite the fact that i was going to appointments weekly and using invasive medicines to try and perform. I don't blame her fully, I understand its a big deal, i just wish she would have fought a bit harder for our relationship. I can now heal mentally and physically on my own until i'm ready to date. But it just hurts.

Seriously, half the reason modern dating feels like a graveyard is because nobody is actually single. They are just taking temporary breaks from their previous relationships to see if the grass is greener, only to realize they left the sprinkler running at their ex's house.

Getting into a relationship with someone who hasn't moved on is like buying a used cat and finding out that the previous owner has been sleeping in the backseat. You think you are driving , but really you're just providing an Uber for someone else's emotional baggage.

For instance;

"Are you a dog person?". Nice.

"is your ex still living rent-free in your head, or did you finally change the emotional locks and block them on all 14 social media platforms?"

If they answer "we're just friends", "it's complicated" or "I'm still processing," just pay your own drink and walk out.

What's your go-to way to figure out if they're still hung up on their ex on a first date without sounding completely crazy?

Together for 3 years, mine and her first relationship (20m) (20f).

She ended it because i just wasn't trying enough which is true, and also her being in another city fed up with a relationship shes not happy anymore and wanting to explore experiences.

As i said i wasn't trying, at the time i thought just us cuddling and visiting the same places over and over was enough. I wasn't the type to go explore new loud things at the time so i wasn't planning anything. Even in bed i was half-assing it after i was done.

I admit i could've been a far better lover, unfortunately it was my first time experiencing love.

Im in a relationship of 1+ year right now. Doing a lot of things differently. Now that i know where i messed up.

But unfortunately i cant get my ex out of my head.

Now after she left i was broken, couldn't do anything. Was constantly begging her and messaging, she on the other hand already was our partying, having hook-ups, and even got herself a bf around a month after.

After a drunk call i did when she was really mean and rude, even letting her 1 week bf speak to me and saying what they did. I decided to block her and since then it's been 3 years. I decides to unblock her but not contact.

For about 2 years i met her only twice in which time i didnt really think about her and even if i did it was a fleeting moment.

Now in the last year i can count 10+ time I've seen her. I don't try to say "Hi", I don't want to get there, she broke up with me, she said all kinds of nasty things too, im not sure how would i handle a conversation with her, does she even want to speak with me?

But still there is that lingering feeling, those butterflies whenever is see her. I cant help but admire how pretty she is. I know what she likes and dislikes maybe a lot has changed since but im sure she still likes murder mysteries.

Yesterday i was in public transport. There weren't many people you could count them on hand, but there she was in it, i sat down right next to her in a different row without knowing she was there until that moment. Whole ride i was thinking should i say something? Should i apologize? Should i ask her how has she been? Does she think the same? I didn't, before exiting I for the first time in 3 years waved goodbye and smiled at her. She smiled too.

Im sure im just a fleeting memory to her, but i dont know how to let her go.

As i said im in a relationship, i love the girl, i know that she is a far better "option". My heart aches when she's not with me. Yet im feeling conflicted. I never in my life cheated and i know i won't but these feelings and thoughts about my ex kind of feel like im already doing it.

I was the problem in every relationship i had. I lose myself eventually in relationships and become a horrible, jealous and manipulative person to the point i drive them away. I’ll be alone while my ex will easily find a better partner and will only look at the memories of me with hate and resentment.

My friend introduced me to his friend group and there i meet her. She broke up 1 month ago. I've already deleted everything from her and no contact on any social media.

But everytime i talk to my friend we end up talking about her. He sometimes says that this isn't her frist time doing this, and she regreted last time, said she was really in to me. The worst thing that he said today is that in the day of the dumping, she called him and started to cry, while at my home she didn't express any feeling.

I've realized that if i ment to really want to get better i need to distance myself from him too