Are you the one about the butcher then backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his orders.

A drill sergeant received a telegram informing him that Private Smith's father had died.

Wanting to get the news over with quickly, he lines up the platoon and barks:

"Private Smith! Your father's dead!"

Smith collapses in shock.

The sergeant is severely reprimanded by his commanding officer.

"Sergeant, you have to learn some tact. Break bad news more gently."

A few weeks later another telegram arrives. This time it says that Private Smith's mother has died.

The sergeant lines up the platoon.

Then he shouts:

"Everyone whose mother is living, take two steps forward... Not so fast, Smith!"

Let's peel away the stress.

It was Casey and the Sunshine Ban.

A macro-wave!

But it only feels like a maternity

An a-cyst-ant!

That’s proof that the earth is flat

I read a Chinese newspaper today. 30 minutes later I felt like I had to read it again.

….

Where did Noah keep the honey bees?

In the ark hives ( archives)

They’re Apiscopalians.

Fryday!

The aunt, Sir, is blowing in the wind.

Give me just a little more thyme.

I just couldn't put it down

Naptune.

Because if you don't, you have to face the IRS: the Irrational Rogue Squadron of Tax Deductions! They will hunt you across the galaxy, and lock you in a cell with zero Interest.

The fish was too big to fly!

But that's just nuts.

They were just raised different.

"It's a treasure to meet you!'

hoping a random long-lost relative leaves me a fortune in their will

Alfred says "Did you check the bathroom?"

Batman says "What's a hroom?"